#but frankly im poor and have stopped caring about social constructs

[i-am-grell]

Yall wanna read the poem about gender identity that I had to write for my creative writing class?

Everything’s a Social Construct and I’m Poor

By Corrie Maurik AKA Tumblr user i-am-grell

Born into a cruel world of organization and category I was taught that everyone and everything was binary confined to zeroes and ones that meant order. Pretty pink dresses before I learned what colour was. Dolls, and dollhouses, and glossed Barbie lips. Shoes, and hair, and not being smarter than roughhousing boys who got to do whatever they wanted in the schoolyard, in the classrooms while I sat quiet a cute, innocent girl. The binary lines blurred as I grew older and learned that these markers by which we define ourselves on licenses, certificates, passports, on our persons in the form of colour-coded clothing images of flower petals for girls trucks and skulls for boys were nothing but meaningless titles in the grand scheme of it all. I spent much time jealous that I didn’t know the proper way to put makeup on that my tits were tiny barely-A-cups that my long hair had snags and tangles that needed to be brushed every single day. But I am comforted by pretty things and loud and wild as the songs blaring through my ears by boy singers talking about pretty girls and parties and rebellion that only boys should feel. I’m fine as a girl confined to order, and beauty, and pink-coloured things. I’d be fine as a boy scrappy, untameable, and allowed to be free. I’d be fine as an androgynous blob something with no definable edges and confusing strangers on the streets. In fact to be frank some days in this world of category of work, of order, of money I’d rather have five dollars than a gender.

[theroastedpoosqueery-blog]

On johann and tenma dynamic or something

((@jyuanka so yea i wanted to bounce back on what you were saying but its so long i figured i should make a new post lmao ))

There are so many interesting characters in monster (eva being maybe the first one), but the dynamic between tenma and johann is really whats does the deal for me. Their relationship is what builds the plot, like two poles of a battery that supports the entire story ! and they only met four times !! i love that its so unclear why both of them are so intent on having the other in their line of sight, like their obsession with each other is never really explained and we can only have so many speculations. Since its monster, it cant be something like ‘good tenma absolutely want to destroy johann for world peace”/ “evil johann absolutely want to destroy tenma because hes…evil”.

(you said  you wanted to yell about monster so uh im taking advantage of it lol)

For tenma, we first think that all of this it is to prove his innocence. But the narrative voice shows us several times that this is not the case (grimmer who tells him that he should not go so far just to get his name cleared -> close-up on tenma’s face that darkens and tenma who doesnt answer = tenma does not do that to prove his innocence, theres something else). And frankly who would go that far just for that? Tenma realizes very quickly that destroying johan is,,,more than complicated and that he could lost his life at any point. He could go to a remote part of another continent and rebuild a career as a doctor there, under a new identity, if he wanted to (maybe johann wouldnt let him, but the obsession johann has for tenma is something that the latter understood at the end so he wouldnt know that at the beginning of the series). Nor is it because he has a savior syndrome and he absolutely wants to protect people (orrr well a little lol), because tenma doesnt seem to be interested in politics or in social justice at the beginning of the series. What i mean is that, like everyone, he knows that the world is unfair and that folks are dying because of horrible situations and horrible people (idk like because of the mafia, because of capitalists, because of fascists, because of human trafficking, etc). Like, everyone knows that, and some of us react and actually do things like direct actions, lobbies, associations, politics, or even just talk about it. But Tenma really doesnt seem to be that moved or concerned, hes more the type to be like “whatever. Dont see ? hasnt happened”. Yet when he realizes that its johan who does these things, suddenly it becomes his personal business. Like people always say tenma is the “absolute good” and i really, really disagree.

He has spent his life obeying orders from despotic leaders without ever questioning himself once. He was going to marry a girl who told him that all lives are not equal, ffs! yea she says this when tenma began to think that maybe, maybe, theres something wrong with all this so this sentence shocked him. But you cant tell me that the highly horrible personality of eva is something he wasnt aware of before ! and he was alright with that, because then by marrying her he would secure a brilliant career. He saves a rich person instead of a poor turkish husband, and he have to see his crying widow who tries to punch him to realize that maybe what he did wasnt really okay. And he was past his thirties, so its not a question of “the poor baby didnt knew there was inequality in the world and what he was doing was not nice ! “. He knew, and he chose again and again, for most of his life, to please a corrupt man to promote his career and have a good and safe life. So for me tenma is so, so problematic ! Because Tenma is the sort of man who sees what is wrong, but who chooses not to do anything against it. isnt this kind of people the worst ?? and thats why i love him ! and thats why his radical evolution caused by johann (when he saves the boy, then when he chooses to kill him), is so intriguing.

So yea tenma dont want to destroy johann just so people will be safe or for world peace or wtv  BS -because he spent most of his life not caring about that, or caring but not to the point of getting personally involved. I think little johann is what triggers tenma to do something for the first time of his life. He goes from the guy who sees what is wrong but who doesnt feel like he can react so he just goes with the flow and become as horrible as everyone else, making him worse because he knows thats wrong -> to the guy who chooses, to the guy with an agency who decides to react. Little johan makes tenma becoming a person, its his trigger to personhood. And thats why, after his first encounter with johann, tenma become so different. Imo, the real monster is tenma in the beginning of the series - and johann makes him someone who uses his agency, he renders him human !

So 9 years later, when tenma finds out that the trigger of his humanity is actually the very negation of what is human, it goes ‘bam’ in his brain. We can understand why ! During this 9 years, he had the time to inhabit his new role of “a person with an agency” - he seems so calm, so confident and happy. Hes not the guy who knew that everything was wrong but just followed orders and closed his eyes anymore, he has a personhood and uses his newfound humanity to make the world a better place. He has a sense of purpose and realizes what it is that life is worth living (okay im projecting here lmao). Above all, he thinks that the choice he made (to become a person) is ultimately absolutely good. But then he meet johan for a second time, and actually realizes -wait, so me becoming a person can causes bad things ? was i wrong ? should i have stayed how i was before ?

And then we enter what is the core of Monster : we just follow someone who struggles to define what is being human. Before, like i said, tenma wasnt using his personhood. After johann triggers him to become a person, he basically lives a morally ideal life -save people, be a good person, no headaches of ‘what should i do’. The people who could have forced him to make actual difficult choices (his corrupt chief ) were conveniently dead. Then he met adult-johan, and bam ! so many contradictions. suddenly the answer is not that clear anymore. Then he realizes than with personhood comes the obligation to make dubious moral choices. Because for each choice we make, there are negatives consequences and positives ones, and we have to judge when the positives outcomes prevails on the negatives ones without ever being sure. And i think tenma chasing johan is him refusing this existing situation, is him trying to run away from the negatives consequences of becoming a person. Its him on a quest to know if getting access to personhood is absolutely good, a quest to know if his reason of living is legitimate. He cant think that there are not absolutely good choice, that sometimes the good choice can be to kill someone - or to save them, depending on the situation. There isnt absolute anymore : no real monsters, no real good person. We’re just human who struggles to do what we can. Once you have an agency, you have to take decisions. So for tenma, who basically have never taken decisions to construct himself as a person, his johann-hunting is basically that : hes chasing after his own definition of humanity. Whether he would have choose to kill johan or not, at the end, the manga completed the mission : theres no good choice, only choice you think are the best at one point. If he had chosen to kill johan, he would have chosen to kill someone ; if he had chosen to not kill him, he would have chosen to let someone else die. Whats better ? I am not sure. Personally, i think that if i could kill certain people i would do it, while knowing that this people are humans like me, just raised in different circumstances, because my ideas and my buddies’ lives are worth more than the life of the ones who threatens us : thats my answer of humanity. We alas dont get to see tenma’s answer… but anw. Thats my personal interpretation of what johann makes tenma do lol.

For Johann, the reason for his obsession with tenma is even less clear for me. Why johann wants tenma to understand him, to see him, so badly ? What makes tenma so special ? Johan seems to have a daddy complex, because tenma not the first middle-age man to have the dubious pleasure to be the object of johan desire to show “his” world to someone else. General wolf and schuwald both had to loose everything that was dear to them until they only have johann who then betray them deeply. But these two dont seem to catch the “scenery of the doomsday” so dear to johann ; and yet johann appears to be convinced that tenma can (and so that tenma is the one who should kill him). Why is that ? Why tenma is so different than wolfe and schuwald ?

I have numerous ideas but not one that convinced me too much. The first one would be how their first encounter resonates with them both and had the same effect of ‘triggering their humanity’. I already explained why i think johann is tenma’s personhood trigger. I also think tenma is johann’ trigger to humanity. Its kind of simple : tenma is the first one to show him that human could be good. Tenma saves him and risk his career without ulterior motives (or at least material motives, because like i said there were many philosophical and psychological stakes for tenma). For johann, who never knew that humans could be like that because his childhood environment was kind of,,not good, and who is still young enough to be impressionable, it could be enough to be interested in what tenma has to offer if he were to play with him. That plus the fact that he has deep parental issues and tenma is, like he said, a “second father” to him, so maybe he acts like a child would with his dad (in his twisted way), or rather with his god -tenma who creates him, tenma who destroys him. But i think its too emotional for johann.

Other idea : johann, being this prodigy, understand exactly what is tenma situation while saving him and his philosophical questions -lets keep in mind that tenma talks to johan often whil the boy is in a coma. He understands that tenma chooses ultimately *personhood* over everything that could make his life easy. And tenma’s answer is exactly the opposite of johann's way of seeing life, since johann chooses again and again to negate humanity. So he wants to destroy tenma’s philosophy, destroy tenma sense of what is being human : he creates the perfect life for tenma, wait for tenma to be really at ease with his situation, then slowly destroy everything until tenma would be forced to recognize the superiority of johann’ response. I really think johann is prepared to die just to win his mind game with tenma lmao, he’s that much of a sore loser.

Other theory, who dont necessarily conflicts with the others ones, its that johann didnt plan to make tenma this important in his life. He at first intended to do to tenma the same thing he had done to schuwald and wolfe, with maybe more sentiments knowing tenma was his second father and everything. But what changed his plan was tenma reactions. I dont think johann thought that tenma will go all lone ranger in the arizona forest to train to become a killer spy lmao, and when he saw that, he was like ‘oh funny’ (lets keep in mind that during the first half of the series, while he still thinks he was the one in the red rose mansion, johann is basically just playing a nihilistic game and dont put that much valor into anything). Maybe he became attached to him (whatever sort of attachment you headcanon), which was kind of a novelty to him since he didnt have any feelings toward anyone until then -his sister was himself and he was his sister, i dont think johann ever understand that nina was her own person until the end so feelings toward his sister doesnt count- and he was unsettled enough to want to keep tenma at hand. Like each time i see the schuwald arc im lmfao, when johan is all like little devilish smiles and sidelong glances each time he knows (how? no idea, he must have super powers at this point really) tenma is watching him like how much of an act it is ?? theres no reason for johann to do this ‘hihi cant catch me hellooo ;D ;D’ except being a drama queen. Which he is. so yea i cant help but wonder why he is acting this funny towards tenma lol

Or maybe johann never succeeded in negating his own humanity and ultimately couldnt bear to truly erase his own existence at the end, so he wanted someone to remember him to have a chance to live at least once -because johann understood that what makes us be is to make other people witness your existence. Tenma was the ideal candidate he stumbled upon -his sister being out of play since she was himself so not a true external witness and everyone else being too,, afraid of him or too under his charm to do anything.

AAAh so many ideas !! what is sure is that tenma is johann most important person and conversely. And since they met so infrequently the fandom has a highway to imagine other interactions. please people imagine other johan/tenma interactions. please im dying i dont understand these russian fics at all

So anyway sorry for this loooong ass post that nobody is going to read !! i just,,,,,,,,,,love monster,,,,,,,,,so much

[oddeyefrog-remade]

im posting my comments to kalvin transgender jesus’ video since the fucker deleted by comment with 400+ likes because perhaps i snapped and i want to repost this shit forever so ignore if u dont care and read if u do i guess

warning: video linked is tragic and i couldn’t get past the 5 minute mark i never wanted to punch a human harder in the face

comment 1: you realize, by making this video, you are validating the millions, if not billions, of people who constantly misgender trans individuals for not being "trans enough"? you've presumably got supportive parents (not to mention your ~republican dad~) who are wealthy enough to fund you and your transition, and somehow deal with your unparalleled narcissism.

but what about poor trans people, trans people without supportive parents, disabled trans people, trans people without access to health care, trans people who are refugees or immigrants, trans people who live in asian and central african countries, trans people who carry heavy biological traits (that are socially accepted to belong to) of their birth sex? these individuals make up a large part of the trans community. dysphoria doesn't care that you're not rich or have shitty parents. when trans people wear certain clothes are they not entitled to respect? are people who have difficult times passing undeserving of being called the right things?

your definition of gender dysphoria is complete WACK. how is a social construct going to develop in your brain before you're born? how in the fuck does that work?

your attitude is completely self-validating and you act as if you're entitled to speak for all men of trans experience. you do not represent me in the slightest. you were a complete dick to this person outside of disagreeing with their comments and opinions. there were countless ways to go about making a video that wasn't humiliating and utmost representative of your conceited nature.

values aside, your video was trash. you're so unbelievably egotistical and your reactions are simply recounts of what anyone just saw. thanks for explaining what just happened like i wasn't just there to watch it. if you wanted to make this video accessible, you could have at least put subtitles, no one needs your half-assed narration, and frankly, no one wants it. no one needed this video. no one wanted this video. stop making them, you token trans brat.

comment 2: god, like how helpful is this? who is this helping? this video was created in selfishness, if anything. to define HIS OWN transness to cis viewers by throwing, yes, POTENTIALLY another trans person, under the bus, subjecting them to humiliation and bullying.

he is opening the gate to cisgender individuals, permitting them to put their perception of gender into a calculation of sorts, determining whether or not trans people (like myself) are deserving of respect. to have the AUDACITY to shame this person, commenting on topics outside of their video, implying that their body is fat because of being "not in shape" (instead, get this, some people are just BORN FAT) or insinuating that they are ugly, and their body should be hated because of being "unattractive", reduces this person to their looks. something trans people have to already deal with on the daily.

to see that half a million people now believe that they can define me because i cannot pass well as transgender jesus reincarnated, kalvin, can, because i can't afford transition, despite my job i've had since i was 14 and because i don't have parents who support me, to have him say that because he possesses the traits to have him pass better than i do, he deserves to be respected more.

if kalvin wants to help the trans community, he can, with the platform he holds. he chooses not to because he is a selfish brat. he validates himself by conforming to gender roles and shaming questioning individuals. these people will figure out if they are trans or not, regardless of being publicly humiliated.

if kalvin really wanted to help the trans community, he would talk about bathroom laws (actually, he believes if i can't pass, i don't deserve the men's room). the dozens of murders of trans women of color throughout the united states he would talk about the oppression that trans people, especially trans women, face as a result of religious police in malaysia. he would talk about literally anything else, but no, he profits off of making fun of other people. kalvin doesn't care about trans people. he cares about himself.