#but god. it was so. tiring. i almost had a total meltdown about it bc i just wanted to go Home and not be Cold out in the Dark

[reikunrei]

im so exhausted but it's that kind of exhausted where i don't wanna get up to get ready for bed bc im so exhausted but that just means i get more exhausted sitting up at my desk when i could instead be conked out cozy in my bed. help

[youcantwaitforsnow]

12.23.22

[florenceandthemachine]

we all know that i will cling to my “jackson’s parents are trash” headcanon until my last dying breath, but every once in awhile i like to imagine things being a little bit happier. so. talk to me about stiles giving jackson the first healthy relationship he’s ever had and inspiring him to work on things with his parents. stiles sitting through awkward family dinners and pushing the three of them to say what they need to say. stiles telling jackson how proud he is of him with soft kisses.

ugh UGH hell yes 911 send somebody bc this post killed me. it killed me because it would be all Jackson and his personal growth. it would be Jackson who decides to work on his relationship with his parents, it would be Jackson who learns what love is from Stiles, it would be Jackson who is left with more good days than bad and that confuses the fuck out of him, because it would be Jackson that realizes one day that his baseline isn’t angry anymore. and he tries to thank Stiles for that and instead Stiles just flicks his forehead and shakes his head because “oh no, you can’t give me credit for that. it was all you, baby.” because it WOULD BE ALL JACKSON.

Well, it would be Jackson and his supernatural senses. 

it does start with Stiles though, and that Jackson is 100% sure of. it starts with Jackson picking up the phone, maybe six months into them dating and seven into being a werewolf (they moved fast, so what?) to a hysterical Stiles on the other line, begging and pleading for Jackson to come pick him up from his house, he’s locked himself in his room and Jackson doesn’t even wait before breaking a land speed record in his Porsche, leaving tire marks on the lawn and almost knocking over Ms. Fitzpatricks mailbox when he takes a turn (way) too fast. 

He gets to Stiles house just in time to see Stiles make the drop from the lattice outside his window to the ground, and throws his door open as Stiles dives into his car, literally burning rubber as he backs out of the driveway and floors it onto the road. Once Stiles is calmed down enough to talk, Jackson pulls over—some fifty miles away from either of their houses—and pulls Stiles into his arms.

It would have been something small that escalated into something big—like, Stiles would have just told the Sheriff about the supernatural and the Sheriff would have been pissed, and he would have been yelling and Stiles would have been yelling back, and then someone would have said something about Claudia and the yelling would have immediately upgraded to screaming, voices ripped raw as things are thrown at walls (never at one another, but things should not be thrown in general). It breaks Jackson’s heart, it reminds him of the fights he had with his parents, and he would be terrified for Stiles from the moment they crashed at Jackson’s place to the moment he asked Jackson to drop him off.

But Jackson is a good boyfriend so he would oblige. He’d drive Stiles home and step out of the car when he realized the Sheriff was still home. He’d be a second too late to say something when the Sheriff throws the front door open, and his claws would slice through the metal of the hood of his car when Stiles took off—but it would be toward his dad, not away from him, and Jackson would be blindsided when they both collided in a hug, apologizing to one another, crying, and thanks to his supernatural senses he could hear every word and smell every tear. 

He had thought that kind of fight would be it for Stiles and his dad, those kind of fights were it for Jackson and his parents, but they were both just... hugging and apologizing. It blew his mind. Moreso, it made him think.

He’d lay his thoughts bare for Stiles, as he always did, one evening as they were watching a movie on Jackson’s too-big TV in his too-big bed in his too-big house. He’d ask Stiles how they did that—how they just apologized. He had tried a few times with his parents, but the moment the fight was over, they acted like it had never happened, so he had just started to get angry about that, too. How did they just talk, and forgive one another, so easily?

Stiles would give him a totally bizarre look, and when he spoke, it would be slow and guarded (as though he couldn’t tell if Jackson was honestly confused or if he was about to make fun of Stiles for being close with his dad) but he would go on to talk about how important communication was to the pair of them, and how they hit their breaking point after his mom died, and how they knew they were the only family they had left so they had to make it work, even when they didn’t want to.

Jackson would just stay silent as Stiles spoke, tugging the other male closer to his chest. He didn’t think he had any family left. But maybe it would be worth a shot. 

He is Jackson, though. He’s not Stiles. So he doesn’t try to worm his way into it, he doesn’t go for the coy tricks, he just comes outright with it and walks into the kitchen the next morning when his parents are making breakfast. 

“I want you both to meet my boyfriend. Properly. So I invited him to dinner on Friday night. He would probably demand pizza, but I’ll get him to compromise to pasta. Don’t...” and he would let out a long sigh as both of his parents stare at him, slack jawed in shock. “Don’t forget about it, okay? It’s important to me.”

And he would turn out of the kitchen and pretend he didn’t notice the dropped spatula or the twin looks of shock. 

Dinner would go as well as anyone would expect, meaning it’s awkward and stilted and there’s only a few jokes that actually makes anyone laugh. They have pasta and spumoni for dessert and Jackson kisses Stiles goodnight before he drives home (Jackson would be meeting him later, once his parents were both out, but that was not a part of the night he wanted to broadcast). When Stiles leaves, Jackson turns to them both, and it’s like three baby deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming train. 

“Well, he... he seems nice.” His mother would speak first, and it’s the kind of sentence in the kind of tone that would usually make Jackson bristle. He would be a half second away from snarling at them, telling them that it didn’t matter what they thought, to can their niceties and their fucking lies and—

and only then would he realize that her heartbeat didn’t stutter once. 

She genuinely thought he was nice. 

Somehow, that was the biggest shock of the evening.

“He is nice. He’s... way too nice. He’s great.” Jackson probably looks as shocked as they do as he speaks, and his father seems to take the momentum and run with it. 

“He seems like he really makes you happy. It’s a good thing, Jackson. It’s good to see you happy like that, I’m... glad.” and it’s another sentence that Jackson would have put money on being a lie, but just like his mother, his father wouldn’t have a heartbeat out of place. So Jackson would nod, and wish them a good night, and practically book it to his room to call Stiles before the shock wore off and he passed out. 

By the time he falls asleep, he can barely register his mom crying upstairs. He’s made her cry before, of course, but this is the first time that she seems happy about it. 

Nothing is perfect, though, and nothing good lasts forever. They would seem to be locked in a dance of two steps forward and one step back. They would have a few great nights and then a meltdown fight, and then his parents would ignore it and it would get even worse and it would feel like they were right back to square one. 

Now, though, he had Stiles in his corner, silently nudging him to “communicate, Jacks. God, do you know how hot communication is?” and no amount of growling could get Stiles to change his mind, so the day after their next blowup, Jackson would sit down in the kitchen and demand that they talk about it. And once they recovered and said “Jackson, we don’t have anything to talk about”, he would take a deep, calming breath like Stiles had taught him, and—

and he wouldn’t smell anything. There was no malice in the air, no anger in their emotions, nothing but some confusion between them and burning bacon. They both honestly, legitimately that the fact they had all been screaming at one another last night was magically forgotten because... what, they had gone to bed and woken up the next day?

Jackson would literally leave in a state of shock, and he’d approach Stiles immediately and “Stiles I was all fucking wrong about them oh god” and Stiles would be like “what, they’re actually great people? not likely” and Jackson would be like “what? no, they’re just a totally different kind of asshole. still not in a good way.” and Stiles would be like “Jackson there is literally no such thing as a person who is an asshole but in a good way” and Jackson would be like “uh, yeah there is, that’s you” and Stiles would laugh and punch him and then kiss him. ANYWAY.

It would be as much of a shock to his parents, honestly, that Jackson had Feelings that Didn’t Go Away and it would probably take Stiles sitting in on a dinner a month to moderate conversations in a healthy way. Which, of course, would be really weird for his parents at first (”Jackson, sweetheart, Stiles is nice but he’s a child, not a therapist” “mother if you don’t talk to him about these things in person I'll only give him my side later on”), but they would both latch on to Stiles like a lifeline the moment they realized that he was fluent in Jackson speak. 

(the first few explanations that Stiles gave they actually laughed at, like they thought it was a joke. but the minute they turned to Jackson, who was bright red and stone faced and unable to meet any of their eyes, they both sobered up so fast it gave Stiles whiplash. it was a little dramatic, but if it got through to them, Stiles was okay with it.)

that time that Jackson stole his dads truck? was to go practice lacrosse after dark on the school field, where he knew his Porsche would get stuck, because he thought if he got good enough to be captain again his parents would come to a game. that time that Jackson dumped Lydia out of the blue and demanded that they change the locks on the house? because he didn’t think he could trust the one person he had given his heart to at the time, but he couldn’t risk breaking that last tie between them, just in case. the time that Jackson had come back from the winter dance after dawn, with blood spatters all over his tuxedo? 

“Jesus, his best friend had almost died. Have some compassion, you assholes.”

Stiles looked as shocked as they were, but before he could apologize, Jackson was laughing.

It would be another few months before they were finally comfortable around one another. Not great, not by a long shot, but comfortable enough that Jackson’s parents knew they actually needed to take the first step in talking with their son, and Jackson would usually actually give them a complete answer.

it wasn’t perfect, and it might never be, but it was progress. and Jackson was happy enough with that. 

one night over dinner—Stiles and Jackson’s one year anniversary—his mom has a question. “okay, so wait, what did we do wrong when you started to shred your sheets?” she asks, and Jackson and Stiles look baffled, before waiting for her to elaborate. “you know, like a year ago, maybe a little more—right before you two started dating—I used to do the laundry and find Jackson’s sheets completely torn up. Well, no, not torn, because they were cut perfectly smooth. It was like you were hacking away at your bedspread with a pair of kitchen shears.”

Stiles chokes on his coke, putting two and two together, trying not to laugh at the mental image of brand new baby werewolf Jackson accidentally clawing at his sheets. Jackson just groans, his face bright red, head on the table.

[littlebabycrybtch]

internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma. 

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

[jocelynships]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got into Marvel and how at first it was just a silly little obsession and how it turned into something that ended up meaning so much to me.

So, I apologize for this sounding so sappy and for how long (it’s really long and I apologize greatly) and emotional this gets, but here:

Warning: Talk of past mental abuse and thoughts of self-harm/suicide

So here’s the funny thing, when I was between the ages of 10-13 I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with Marvel. Everyone was talking about it and I will admit I was a bratty kid and if something was popular I had to Hate It™️. I’ve grown from that mindset and I’m SO glad I did. But anyways, not the point of the story.

When I was a little kid I watched the first Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and Fantastic 4. I watched a lot of Spider-Man cartoons too. I can’t remember if I ever watched X-Men or not, but I remember seeing them in a few Spider-Man episodes. My dad liked Marvel and he’d play the movies (this was all pre MCU I should mention) and I think I’d watch bits and pieces of them while I played with whatever toys I had in my parent’s bedroom or living room (when I was a kid if my dad was home I HAD to be around him). So I had a VAGUE understanding of superheroes and who they were. I’m certain I could have named a few of them when I was younger, I just didn’t necessarily care.

So Avengers came out when I was finishing up 8th grade, and all my classmates were talking about it, but it annoyed me greatly. My best friend, Rebecca, had seen it already, and was freaking out about it with some of our other old friends. I made a comment like “is it really good or are you guys just trying to be cool like everyone else?”

And Rebecca goes, “Jocelyn, you really need to see it. I think you’d actually like it.”

“Superheroes are so overrated!”

“At least watch the trailer!”

So Rebecca pulled up the trailer on her iPod Touch (god I feel old just saying that), sat me down at one of the benches by the basketball court our tiny private school had, and I watched the trailer. I was kinda interested, but not totally sold. I decided the guys were hot, and if I would go if asked.

Then when I got home from school, I was looking for something to watch like most kids were. Nothing was on, but Disney XD was playing some Marvel cartoons and out of simple curiosity and not really liking anything else that was being played, I turned it on. And holy shit I ended up getting hooked.

So a few days later after watching these cartoons I suggest seeing Avengers to my dad. He gets this look on his face like, “who the hell are you and what did you do to my daughter because she hates superheroes?” He asks me if I’m a Marvel fan now and I mentioned the cartoons, so he went and rented the movies leading up to the Avengers, and I wasn’t actually expecting to like anything, I just wanted to see it because I thought the guys were hot.

So I ended up really enjoying the movies, and my dad and I started seeing the other MCU films that came out. I told myself I was only interested in the Avengers and Spider-Man really (the Amazing Spider-Man came out the same year as the Avengers and my dad took me to see it). I told myself didn’t really care about any of the other hero teams.

BUT THEN I GET INTRODUCED TO THIS REALLY COOL FACEBOOK MARVEL GAME! They sadly don’t have it anymore which in my opinion is BULLSHIT, but it was called Avengers Alliance and they had a shit ton of characters in it. My goal was to get them all but I never did bc it got shut down (listen I would kill to have it brought back okay THEY HAD A BUNCH OF X-MEN CHARACTERS) But basically I saw all these characters I had no idea existed and me being me, my mind went “I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM”! I really don’t know everything about them and I’m still discovering characters but that’s okay!! The Marvel universe is HUGE and I love learning new stuff about it!! But anyways back to my original point!! I remembered I really liked the Fantastic 4 when I was younger so I started watching the original two movies again (I haven’t seen the 2015 remake nor do I plan to ever). Then I saw we had the first two X-Men films, okay lets watch those. Oh, who’s Daredevil and the other Defenders? They seem cool!! Ghost Rider? Hell yeah, a skeleton on fire how cool is that?! Agents of SHIELD? I loved Phil Coulson, I had to watch it! Hey, the Guardians of the Galaxy are really cool too! I know nothing about Doctor Strange but he was in some Spider-Man cartoons and he seemed awesome! Blade, a vampire that doesn’t sparkle? SIGN ME UP!

Basically from the time I was 14-17, I was just basically running down an aisle at a grocery store picking out characters I thought looked cool. I also learned a lot about the characters from some mobile games I downloaded bc hey, I like games.

But at the same time as I was going through everything, I started developing some extreme anxiety and depression problems. I didn’t exactly realize it WAS anxiety and depression, I just thought I was extremely sensitive and did a bunch of shit wrong, so I assumed I was just a screw up whenever my mother yelled at me for getting a B in class or blamed me for her being late to work when I was ready to go and she was just getting in the shower. It wasn’t until my senior year did I realize something was wrong with the way she was treating me and the way I was feeling. But again, I brushed it off as nothing.

I went through my senior year feeling anxious and depressed a lot. But I was a SENIOR! I was almost done with high school! I had a great group of friends and we’d hang out on the weekends and go off campus for lunch to the Taco Bell down the road! Things couldn’t be bad!

But tensions were rising high at home. I was sort of oblivious to a lot of it and to be honest, I’m a little upset with myself for not noticing it sooner. My parents were fighting a lot, and halfway through my senior year of high school, my sister and niece had to move in with us because her ex husband was an alcoholic and was getting abusive. (She ended up going back for about another year, but left permanently the second time she moved in with us) And needless to say things were really rough since there was now five people in a two bedroom apartment and my sister and my niece stayed in my room with me. Which was difficult since my niece was 4/5 at the time and had quite the temper, and I was also her favorite person, yet I was occupied with school work.

My anxiety and depression got worse, and it got to the point where I was having meltdowns in class and would have to leave school early or just stay home. After a month or two and a HUGE fight between pretty much everyone (except me, they only stopped when I had a massive panic attack), my sister moved back.

And things were slightly okay again. During that break I got reintroduced to X-Men through a couple different things: my best friend, @rosyinlove, X-Men Apocalypse was coming out, and my brother gave me his old Xbox 360 and the game Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I’ve seen the first two movies at this point and I was already kinda curious about them, but wasn’t until that year did I realize “hey these guys are kinda cool!” So I played as them in Ultimate Alliance just because they were the most fun to play. And while he sadly wasn’t a playable character, Nightcrawler was a character and you had to rescue him in a quest (or kill him and save Jean instead, I had a dilemma over the very idea of killing him and this was BEFORE I started shipping with him!) and he fascinated me. IDK if it was my brain just liking him as a character or going “WHOO BOY HE’S HOT”, but my interest in him was growing and I was kinda sad he wasn’t a playable character!

And with Apocalypse coming out the day after I graduated high school, I decided I had to see it, so I impulsively bought the other movies and well... the rest is history. I started watching the cartoons and while I didn’t get my hands on any comics, I read bits and pieces online.

And for some reason, the X-Men just spoke out to me in a way I can’t explain. I loved all the other heroes I came across, but there was something about the team of mutants that really pulled me in. Maybe because I related to the fact of being outcast? But in any case, I was drawn to them and I latched onto them and just didn’t let go. Even when 70s and 80s pop culture was the main thing on my mind in 2017, I still had the X-Men in the back of my mind and I thought “oh hey, this song reminds me of the X-Men”, “Kurt would like this song”, or “omg this movie would be a cute AU for me and Kurt!”

But anyways, the summer of 2016 was kind of rough. My mother was getting onto me for every single little thing and even yelled at me in front of my friends once for asking her to bring some some soda after she OFFERED to get us some. My friends pulled me aside and said, “hey, that’s not normal”. And I was in a really bad place. I loved my mother, but I felt awful being around her. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her. If I said the wrong thing I’d be punished. I was afraid of her.

So I noticed whenever I got anxious or depressed I would turn to the X-Men movies and cartoons and I’d feel a little better. Then I started writing dumb little stories and made silly doodles of me hanging out with them. It was something that was fun and made me calm down when I was getting anxious.

Then August of 2016 came around.

I came home from spending the night at a friend’s house, and I was feeling really tired so when my dad asked for me to sit down and talk to him about something, I tried brushing him off because I just wanted to shower and go to sleep.

But he said, “it’s really serious” and whenever someone says that my anxiety shoots through the roof and I think of the worst case scenario, such as someone was dying or was dead. So I sat down with him and I’m expecting him to tell me someone was dead, but he just goes:

“Your mother and I are splitting up.”

Basically my world came crashing down at that point.

My mother started getting more and more irritable and began yelling and screaming at me over the smallest things. And she was convinced I was going to stay with her and she talked to me about all her plans she had for us, but I was going to move out with my dad. But I didn’t want to tell her because I was terrified of how she was going to respond (she lashed out when things didn’t go her way), and I said, “I still haven’t made up my mind on who I’m going with”. That still caused her to lash out.

So she screamed at me and told me things like “I was leaving her to die” or “I was a horrible daughter for abandoning her”. And from that she just lashed out over everything. Not to mention my sister and my niece moved back in that September.

So my mother was constantly fighting with my dad, berating me, and my sister and my niece never gave me any alone time despite being in my first semester of college. I had very little time to work on homework and would stay at school for longer than I needed to be there just to work on homework without my sister and my niece bothering me. And I also got stuck watching my niece quite a bit because my sister was running off with a guy she had just met. And I get that she was going through a really rough divorce as well and really liked this dude, but it happened every night. I needed an escape from it all.

So I started binge watching Marvel movies and cartoons every chance I got. Mainly X-Men. I fantasized often about Kurt bamfing himself and the X-Men into my apartment, sternly telling my family I was going with them and they couldn’t stop them. I wrote and drew more and more of my silly self insert stuff because it was a way to forget about all the bullshit that was going on at home.

Eventually things just got worse as the time for my dad and I to move out got closer, and my mother would start up fights with my dad just about every night. And she did this when I was in the next room and could hear everything. She also got physical with him and while my dad could have easily defended himself and fight back, he didn’t because she was trying to get him fucking arrested.

So I was having difficulties dealing with their constant fighting and my mother trying to pull me into the middle of the drama. My dad told her to keep me out of it since none of it had to do with me. Needless to say she kept pulling me into the middle of things and tried to get me to side with her and would scream her head off if I didn’t want to talk about it. I got called selfish for having anxiety and depression, and she threatened to hit me on multiple occasions. She never did, but holy shit I got so scared every time she held her hand up like she was going to smack me across the face. I showed up to class crying quite often and when my classmates asked what was wrong I’d brush it off and tell them it was nothing. 

And as time went on I had falling outs with everyone on my mother’s side of the family and both of my siblings (I have made up with them separately, but things are tense between them still because they don’t like each other’s spouses and it stresses me out because they shit talk each other to me and I have to act like I’m on their side), and my dad and I were struggling and I felt like a huge burden on him. Needless to say it got to the point where I felt like I was doing something wrong, that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to end it all.

I actually did go to grab a knife once when no one was home bc I was having urges to hurt myself, but the instant I grabbed the knife a little voice in my mind just went into panic mode and screamed, “Captain America wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself!”

And then that voice kept listing off as many heroes as it could, and when I started thinking about the X-Men not wanting me to hurt myself, I just dropped the knife into the sink and had a breakdown.

And still to this day when I do get those thoughts I always think about how a certain fuzzy elf wouldn’t want me to hurt or kill myself. I haven’t cut (I have participated in other self destructive behaviors in the past I don’t wish to discuss, but I’m fighting it), and honestly it’s because I don’t want to worry the X-Men.

They may not be real, and I’m not sure they would really care about me if they were, but still the idea of having a group of people who also come from fucked up families and are outcast from society acting like a family to each other really helps me get through all of this.

I just keep telling myself that if all these superheroes could go through hell and back, then so could I. Sure, I’m not fighting villains hellbent on taking over the world or struggling with having superpowers I can’t control, but still it’s inspiring to see them continue on despite their hardships. If they can do it, then why can’t I?

And the X-Men have really helped me through that. Like I said, they aren’t real, but they are extremely relatable characters. Especially Kurt. I’ve been outcast before and while I do have my group of close friends, I still feel like I don’t belong. He’s been outcast and shunned by society for his appearance. While both of Kurt’s parents are awful and my mother didn’t try to kill me (to be honest I was afraid she was going to snap and kill my dad a couple times), we both have kinda fucked up familes. But despite all of this we still try to see the good in others and do good for people. And I want to help him through his hardships and have him know he can always come to me for comfort.

When I started the Night Roses and the Jocelyn and the X-Men stuff, a lot of it was coping. I wanted to be rescued by Kurt and the X-Men, and I wanted to help them overcome their issues. A lot of the Night Roses relationship is being each other’s support system. The idea of not only having Kurt comfort me, but me comforting him helps me so much. It gives me something to live for. When I was going to therapy, I told my therapist about it and she said it was a great coping mechanism and a way for me to practice self love and acceptance.

And while he’s just a comic book character, I sincerely hope I can find someone just like Kurt in real life one day. He means so much to me, and I hope whoever I get with in the future will understand that.

I apologize for this being so long, but really, Marvel means the absolute would to me, and it’s really hard to explain to people why and I often get written off as an obsessive nerd who has no grasp on reality. But I know how I feel and I know the people who matter understand how important Marvel is to me. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without Marvel. I probably wouldn’t be here. I’m still struggling with a lot of issues, but I know I can get through it thanks to the X-Men and the other superheroes of Marvel. ❤️

[ecfandom]

Kristin Bell! OMG that's exactly the kind of personality I thought for PSI Clarke like that type of bubbly, positive and an amazing sense of humor that's just a lot of fun and funny. Speaking of, I always remember Kristin Bell's sloth meltdown on Ellen. Would PSI Clarke ever be put in a situation like that on Ellen... maybe something that has Lexa's blessing? Like, a positive, but emotional surprise?

OH my gosh yes! So there’s this one day when Clarke is shooting on location way out in the middle of nowhere and it’s a really small cast, so it’s basically just her, a couple other minor characters and the crew, so she’s really lonely and it’s been a really rough shoot. It’s out in the desert, so everything’s really hot and dusty, everyone’s exhausted, there’s absolutely no cell service or wifi. It’s not that long after CJ is born, so Clarke is having some serious home sickness, and she can only call/facetime home once a week or so and it’s killing her. She misses Lexa and baby CJ so much. 

So Lexa’s got a surprise for her. Towards the end of her shoot, Lexa flies up with CJ, gets picked up by production and hikes it all the way out into the middle of the desert. 

Clarke’s in her trailer between scenes and she’s like overtired, over stressed, and most of all, over hungry. The caterer broke down on the way to set, and by the time they’d gotten the food there, Clarke needed to be off site at ADR. So at this point the only thing she’s had all day is like a granola bar and she’s laying in her trailer waiting for some PA to come back from town with some food for her. 

Meanwhile, Lexa has reached set and she’s corralled someone into knocking on Clarke’s trailer door for her and saying “Food’s here” and someone else to hold the baby. Clarke is like almost in tears at this point she’s so tired and hungry. So she opens the door and the first thing she sees is the bag of food being handed to her. 

It takes a second to notice the watch on the wrist of the hand holding out the bag. Her head whips up so fast people worry about the possibility of whiplash. And as soon as she sees Lexa, she just bursts into this hysterical cry/laugh and is just standing there covering her mouth. Like not even moving and Lexa’s just standing there chuckling, not really sure what to do. And she just kind of coos like, “Oh, love.” And she steps closer and goes, “Do you want a hug?” And Clarke’s nodding behind her hand and beckoning her closer like why aren’t you in my arms already?? 

So Lexa steps in and Clarke clings to her like a koala and everybody “awws.” But then Lexa’s like, “I have something for you. Do you want it?” And Clarke pulls away and is looking up at her giant all confused and wiping at her cheeks and not sure why people are still hovering around her open trailer door with iphones. Lexa’s just like, “I’ll be right back.” And she steps out and then comes back with the baby and……

HOH MY GOD. It’s full water works, bouncing up and down, Clarke literally has no idea what to do with herself she’s so happy and excited to see her baby. At one point, someone picks up the bag of food she drops and tries to hand it to her, but she’s got the baby up to her face and is all, “I don’t even want it anymore.” And someone’s like “You can’t eat the baby, Clarke,” which makes everyone laugh. Lexa’s standing back a little bit giving Clarke room to reunite with CJ, and someone filming on their phone catches her in the corner just with total heart eyes looking at Clarke and CJ. 

So of course, it goes viral. 

Back in LA, Lexa is on the Ellen show (or the Ellen equivalent show in the PSI verse, whatever) to talk about this new merger PSI is doing (and also to talk about all things Lexa and the new baby). And of course the video of Clarke losing it is all the rage. So the host brings it up and they’re talking about how grueling that shoot was. And Lexa at one point says, “She was tired and hungry, but that level of emotion…that’s not novel. I mean, that’s not just circumstantial. She like always WAY UP HERE and I’m way down here, so it’s aways…it’s something.” And people are laughing bc Lexa is probably the most chill person in hollywood and Clarke is on a whole nother level. 

So the hosts is like, “Oh, I thought it was because she was super hungry and sleep deprived!” And Lexa’s like, “Oh yeah, for sure. But that reaction is the same for, ‘Oh, I could maybe eat, it’s dinner time’ as it is for ‘I haven’t eaten in twelve days, I’m starving.’ There’s no variation.” And the host and audience is cracking up because there’s a video in the background playing that Lexa secretly took of Clarke in the being like, “I’m going to literally die if I don’t eat. Like I’m so hungry, oh my god. I’m going to cry. Lexa, I’m going to cry. I’m so hungry. Are you listening to me? Great, now I’m crying. Do you see this? I’m crying. I’m so hungry. Are we going to eat soon?? Lexa?!” 

So then after that it becomes a thing. And when Clarke is on the show next, they have a whole buffet out on the coffee table waiting for her. So the host introducers her and Clarke starts to walk out and she sees the array of food and just bursts into laughter, shaking her head. And she sits down and is all, “My wife has blown my love and need for food way out of the water. I have much more control over my faculties than that. She conveniently forgot to mention that I was five months pregnant in that video. So now I just look like a crazy person. Thanks, babe.”