#but he doesn’t realize how MANIPULATIVE and SELFISH he truly is he’s Delusional and has ZERO emotional intelligence 000000000000000000000000

[bo0zey]

every time my dad yells even if he’s just “raising” his voice to call one of my brothers over to him i flinch and my heart rate speeds up n my stomach drops n churns n i feel sick n if i think abt it too much like i am now my eyes sting just slightly like something inside me wants to cry from fear even tho i’m many many feet away safe inside my room alone w the door shut i still feel so so unsafe and it takes many many minutes and moments for me to calm down again i really hate this reaction i’m 22 years old why am i still responding like this trigger as if i’m a child i’m an adult he can’t yell at me anymore in fact he’s not even yelling AT me he’s yelling at someone else but still i jump n i feel my pulse pounding in my ears n temples i wish i would just stop being such a baby i wish i was stronger i don’t want to be afraid of people anymore

[vrisrezis]

I AM CRAVING MORE YANDERE ANDRE PLEASE

this man is very obsessive but relatively harmless. He won’t hurt others but he’s not against.. isolating you from others if he has to. He’s not too good at manipulating if he’s being honest, but he’s good at getting close to you and making you trust his word. Trust that these people are bad for you and aren’t good to you. His jealousy is off the walls, but he’s delusional enough to believe this is what you truly want. To be isolated from everyone except for him. He’s delusional after all. Sometimes he just has a hard time reading between reality and fantasy, which is obviously dangerous. Especially when you consider how scary some of his sexual fantasies can be.. he wants to treat you good and make you happy but.. his self destructive behavior only hurts you and himself. He’s only making you miserable but he doesn’t realize it. Maybe deep down he knows what he’s doing is wrong? But maybe he’s just too selfish to care and maybe he’s more comfortable feeding into his own delusions. It will make him feel better to continue believing you’re happy with him.

[serendipityseulgi]

8 Ways of Love.

– kim hongjoong

according to the ancient greeks, there are eight different types of love. here is:

･*:༅｡ the one known as mania, the obsessive love.

aka, the kind of love that can lead you to obsession, jealousy, and madness and can be toxic if not kept under control.

TW // sexual harassment. 

* italic text indicates flashback.

8 ways of love series; part ii

A not-so-healthy love story in which you reach your breaking point in your relationship, giving Hongjoong an ultimatum – to fix his toxic tendencies or to let you walk out on him forever. 

love catalyst: survival.

There are times where you often underestimate how much Hongjoong truly loves you. 

You don’t always fully grasp the extent he will go to make sure that everyone knows your his, and his only. The limits he will push to prove just how much you matter in his life, and the boundaries he will cross to ensure that no one would ever, ever take you away from him.

How he absolutely cannot live without you, and you can’t live without him.

Because he just loves you so much that the feeling almost consumes him, and it drives him crazy. He knows how much of an impact you have on him. How you could do absolutely nothing and he would still kiss the ground you walk on. How he worships every single part of you and will go to the absolute ends of the earth just to keep you forever. How he simply could not care about a single thing in this world except for you.

And for most people, they strive for that kind of love. The kind that consumes you so much that you would do absolutely anything and everything for your partner.

But the way Hongjoong loves you is intense, and it’s obsessive. It’s exhausting it absolutely drains all the energy out of you. To have to love and care for one another more than yourselves. That no matter what kind of shit you put each other through, you’re always going to be together.

It’s overbearing and overwhelming in all the wrong ways.

You hate how much Hongjoong loves you. Because he treats you like shit. Makes you feel like shit. Acts like you aren’t shit.

Not without him at least.

It’s unhealthy, to put it simply.

Neither one of you are that delusional, though. 

You’re both painfully aware how borderline toxic your relationship is. Hongjoong’s manipulative in certain ways and he uses that to his advantage. He won’t admit it but he loves how codependent you are on him. He knows that he can fuck up a million times and you’re always gonna be there to pick up the pieces and love him again and again. He makes promises he can never keep and gives you false hope just to make sure you stay in his arms, even if it’s only for one more day. He hears you say that you hate him more than you love him, but it doesn’t matter because he knows how you feel deep down. You’re always going to love him.

He defends his behaviour, constantly telling you he only acts that way because he loves you and wants to protect you. And you know he’s not a terrible person. Aside from his possessive nature and his intense anger problem, he’s actually one of the best people you know. It’s contradictory in every sense.

It was just the way he loves you that brings out the worst in him.

You know there’s no good that could possibly come from being together anymore. You both know that by now.

But the truth is, neither one of you will ever walk away.

12:41 AM

It’s past midnight when you walk in your apartment, your heart heavy and filled with despair. Your feet hurt from standing in those wretched heels for hours, your mascara is dripping down your tear-stained face, and your head is pounding from the events that transpired only a few hours prior.

You have no words. 

All you want to do is curl up in your bed and sleep away your worries. You want to ignore everything that’s happened even for just a few hours and deal with the damage in the morning, but you know he won’t let you.

He never does.

When you hear the door slam behind you, you feel a sense of deja vu. 

You’ve been in this exact situation more times than you could count and you’re starting to think there’s actually no hope left in your boyfriend. 

At this point in time you don’t even know if this relationship is worth salvaging anymore, and the very thought almost has you in tears.

You’re feeling a million things right now but above all, you’re just pissed beyond belief and you want to cry and wallow away in your tears. You feel every negative emotion surging through your body right now and it makes you all the more exhausted. 

Hongjoong stands behind you, equally as pissed, and you refuse to acknowledge him because you know it’s all his fault. 

It’s always his fucking fault.

“Y/n, look at me.” he commands, but you don’t listen.

Your back is still turned to him, eyes fixated on the marble pattern on your kitchen island as you try to suppress your anger. Your eyes start to water again and your body begins to shake.

He waits for you to face him. 

But you don’t. 

Because you don’t even want to talk to him right now, let alone look him in the face. You swear you’ll punch him if you do, so you save himself the trouble and start walking towards the direction of your bedroom.

Hongjoong is fast though, and he’s quick to grab onto your arm to pull you in front of him.

“Can you say something?” he asks, a little too aggressively for your liking, and you just stare at him. The glare in your eyes never falters and for a few seconds you two are just staring each other down with you still refusing to speak.

You take the opportunity to yank your arm out of his grip and he lets out a frustrated groan.

“I’m tired.” you say with a blank stare, prepared to walk away again.

“So you’re not even gonna talk at me?!” he asks with that aggression still evident in his tone.

You breathe in a heavy sigh before whipping around to face your boyfriend, your eyes narrowing immediately when you make contact with him. “What do you want me to say, Hongjoong?” you ask with frustrated tears running down your face. “What the fuck do you want me to say when you keep doing this over and over again?!”

“All you ever do is walk away when you’re pissed at me and you go off the next morning talking shit to your friends. So if you have something to say, say it to my fucking face.” he spits at you with menace and your eyes darken.

“Well what the fuck is the difference of me going to my friends and going to you?! It’s not like you ever fucking listen to me anyways! I’m sick of having to repeat myself day after day! The amount of times this has happened and the amount of times I tell you the same exact thing! When I keep asking you to change and you never do! We have this exact conversation all the time, what is the use of me talking anymore?! Nothing ever changes so why the fuck should I bother wasting all my time and energy fighting with you about the same shit that’s gonna piss you off next week?!” you shout before turning around once again.

Hongjoong doesn’t say anything back to that, because deep down he knows you’re right. He knows that you’re a broken record at this point, he knows that anything you say now would just be reused arguments he’s heard in the past, he knows that he’s not going to listen to you. So he doesn’t retaliate.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to walk away?” he counters.

You take in a deep breathe. “Why don’t you tell me exactly it is that you want to hear? That I’m just going to accept the fact that you never fucking listen to me? That you somehow find it acceptable to be punching random guys in the face for looking at me? That we fight about the same shit every week? Or how you can’t seem to control your anger? How you have absolutely no regard for how you make me feel? How you think acting so possessive over me is something to be proud of?! How we’ve been together for three fucking years and the more days I spend with you the more I realize I’d rather be dead than be with you!”

Hongjoong’s face falls for a second at your words but you soon come to regret it when he’s pushing you against your counter. He’s seething inside, you can sense it. You know your words cut deep but Hongjoong won’t admit it. His ego is too big for that. 

“You’re one to fucking talk.” he grits his teeth. “You act like such a fucking bitch all the time and yet I’m still willing to bend over backwards just to keep your ass happy. You overlook all the shit I do for you because you’re selfish. You think I don’t listen to you? When have you ever listened to me?! You’re so fucking ungrateful when all I’ve ever done was love you!”

You scoff. “This is what you call loving me?!” you gesture to your current position. “Hongjoong do you even realize what we’re doing right now?! Do you even acknowledge how messed up you are?! When you go around knocking guys’ teeth out for doing so much as looking at me, for picking fights with your own friends when they’re being friendly towards me, when you fucking call me names and blame me for the fact that you can’t bear the thought of another male giving me an ounce of their attention, do you think that’s fucking normal?! You’re just fucking insane!” 

“You think I do that shit because I like it?” Hongjoong hissed. “No, I fucking do it because I know how guys think y/n! They’d take advantage of you if they got the chance! Use you like you’re a fucking toy to them or something! You can’t trust these people all the time! I fucking act that way to protect you!”

“Yeah is that it?” you sneer. “Or is it because you’re just so fragile and insecure inside you’re too afraid that one of these days someone might actually take me away from you and I’ll fucking leave. You think you can control them and control me by threatening them, assaulting them? You go off and snap at people who piss you off because you think you have some sort of claim over me! So are you sure you do it to protect me? Because I don’t think so. I think you do it 'cause you know you can’t function without me. Because deep down you know you’re just a little bitch without me. You’re nothing without me.” you spit at him. 

“Fuck you.” Hongjoong shoves you harder into the counter, a sharp pain shooting up your spine. His arms are gripping tightly onto your own and you don’t think he realizes he’s hurting you because he’s too focused on your words and how badly they’re affecting him. 

“You have a big fucking mouth sometimes you know that? You like to talk like you’re so big and purposely rile me up, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are catching an attitude with me? Watch your mouth and how you talk to me or-”

“Or what? What are you gonna do, Joong?” you challenge, shoving him away from you. “You gonna break up with me? Kick me out again? Call me a fucking slut and send me on my way?” you mock. “Or are you gonna hit me this time? Huh? Because I get you so fucking angry. Why don’t you try it? Instead of punching holes in the wall why don’t you try doing it to my face instead? I bet you want to. I bet you really want to fucking hit me. So do it. Hit me!” you push him back. “Fucking hit me!” you scream as you repeatedly hit him in the chest and Hongjoong snaps, grabbing onto your wrists tightly.

“You’re a fucking crazy bitch.” he seethes. “I may be a piece of shit but I’m not fucking abusive. I would never hit you no matter how mad you make me. So fuck you for ever thinking I’d put my hands on you. Fuck you.” he pushes you off of him.

He storms off into your bedroom, slamming the door like he always does. You stand there in the middle of your living room shaking your head. This is nothing new. It’s nothing you aren’t already used to.

You sit on the couch, burying your face in your knees as you cry. You cry with a heavy heart because you don’t know what else to do. 

All you’re left with is your own thoughts, thinking about all the times you should’ve walked away.

Because God knows it should’ve happened a long time ago.

You remember the first incident like it was yesterday.

2 years, 6 months, 7 days ago.

You remember it was only six months into being with him when he had assaulted your ex in front of your eyes. 

There was no remorse, no regard, nothing for the human life in front of him. Just pure rage that that good-for-nothing scumbag tried to touch you. His prized possession. The love of his life. The only thing that ever mattered to him.

Seeing your ex-boyfriend touching you like you were still his fuelled a fire inside Hongjoong like never before and he absolutely lost it. 

“S-stop Chris, seriously get off me,” you stutter trying to push the male off of you. 

You don’t remember how you got yourself into this situation through your drunken state.

All you know is one second you’re dancing with Irene and the next you’re pressed up against a brick wall by your ex-boyfriend.

He’s pressing you into the wall so hard it makes your body hurt and you can feel his boner rubbing against your thigh. You want to scream but when you try no sound comes out. You’re crying and your throat closes up because you can’t breath with him pinning you so tightly.

“Y/n, baby relax.” he whispers and you smell the stench of alcohol lingering on his breath. “I’m not gonna hurt you. I’ve never hurt you, right?” you feel like you can’t breathe. “I just wanna talk, that’s it...” his voice is gentle but it doesn’t provide you any comfort whatsoever.

“Y-you don’t have to pin me against the wall if you wanna t-talk, Chris.” you breathe out. “G-get off of me.”

“I just missed you,” he says gripping you tightly. “You missed me too right?”

“Fuck off!” you try to scream, but his heavy weight on you is restricting you from moving a muscle. “M-my boyfriend is gonna find me and he’s-”

“He’s what?” Chris snickers. “You’re dating that pussy bitch Hongjoong, right? Yeah, as if he’s gonna come to your rescue when everyone knows he’s a fucking bitch boy. You know better than to go for nice guys, right y/n?” he chuckles.

“Y-you’re drunk, Chris. Let me go.” you try to shove him back but he’s much bigger than you. You stand absolutely no chance.

“Where is your little boyfriend anyways, huh? ‘Cause I’ve been watching you since the moment you got here and all I saw was you with Irene and Seulgi. Does your boyfriend even know you’re slutting it up at a bar without him?” Chris taunts you and you cry even harder. “I wonder what he would do if he saw me and you together right now. Probably nothing right? He’s too nice for his own good. Wouldn’t touch a fucking fly.”

“Please just-”

“Relax, y/n. I know you miss me. Miss what we had. You don’t always have to play hard to get,” he whispers in your ear, pushing your dress up your thighs. “Just enjoy it and-”

“Y/n?” you hear a voice call behind you, and you recognize it almost immediately. 

“Joong?” you call through your hazy vision and you take the opportunity to push the man off of you. “J-joong, I wasn’t doing what you think, he pinned me, I-i tried to get him off but he wouldn’t, fuck, it’s not what it looks like-” you can’t formulate a coherent sentence because you know exactly what it looked like and you’re afraid he won’t believe you.

“Y/n get behind me right now.” he states calmly, and you don’t hesitate. You run up behind your boyfriend as Chris stands in front of him with a cold stare. 

Your heart is still beating hard against your chest and you study Hongjoong’s expression to see what his next move would be because frankly, you don’t know. 

“Can I kindly ask what the fuck were you doing to MY girlfriend?” Hongjoong asks, voice still calm and collected it almost scares you.

“Hey man, no need to get upset, we were just chatting.” Chris raises his hands in defence.

Hongjoong laughs, but there’s not a hint of amusement in his tone. “Chatting, huh?” he mocks. “About what?”

“Look, with all due respect, I know she’s your girl now and everything but you have to understand me and y/n have a lot of history. Just rehashing some old shit-”

“No you weren’t.” Hongjoong interrupts. 

“Excuse me?” Chris raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry but you’re being pretty fucking hostile right now, don’t you think? Like, what exactly are you trying to accomplish, you’re not very intimidating.” Chris laughs.

Your eyes are moving back and forth between the two males and you don’t exactly know what’s going to happen next. You’ve never been in this kind of situation before, let alone predict how Hongjoong would retaliate. You’ve never seen him angry before.

“You wanna know what it looked like to me?” he asks rhetorically, slowly walking towards your ex. “You were forcing her against her will to talk to you.” he states, still calm. “You were touching her. You were groping her.” Hongjoong begins backing him into the wall. “You were sexually harassing her. After she begged you to stop.” he states. “You lifted up her dress, and then what?” Hongjoong’s cornered him into the wall. “You were gonna fucking rape her. Right?”

“Woah, woah, hey, I was not gonna fucking rape her-” Chris defends.

“No?” Hongjoong raises his eyebrow. “Are you saying you weren’t trying to fuck my girlfriend?”

Chris scoffs. “That isn’t rape-”

“But she told you to stop, didn’t she?” Hongjoong folds his arms across his chest and your eyes are bulging out of your head as you witness this new side o him. “And if I wasn’t here right now... what exactly would you have done?”

“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend? She seemed to be enjoying it, right?” he turns to look at you. “Admit it, y/n. Tell your bitch of a boyfriend that you’re better off with me. Hey, do you know how fucking easy it is to get with your girlfriend? Ask me, I have experience.” Chris chuckles. “What do you think would’ve happened if you weren’t here right now? Y/n probably would’ve let me fuck the shit out of her because that’s how easy she is. Probably would’ve fucked her better than you ever have-”

Hongjoong lets out a chuckle before finally snapping. You see his fist raise up in one swift motion, and he punches him. Hongjoong punches the shit out of your ex and you let out a shocked gasp. Your hands fly over your mouth, covering your face in surprise.

“Hongjoong!” you try to stop your boyfriend but he doesn’t listen. 

“Keep talking, I fucking dare you.” Hongjoong spits. He’s still punching him and it doesn’t seem like he plans on stopping anytime soon. “Your mouth is fucking shit, you know that? You’re a fucking scumbag.”

He punches him again.

“You’re a fucking piece of shit talking about girls this way.” Another punch.

“You would go as far to fucking rape her if you didn’t get what you want?” Hongjoong’s fist collides with his face again. “That’s the kind of guy you are?”

You hear another punch.

“Then you deserve to fucking die here.”

He’s hovering over your ex’s body, continuously delivering blows to his head. He doesn’t stop even when you start to see blood. It’s everywhere, coming out of his eyes, his mouth, it’s covering his entire face and it scares you.

“Hongjoong stop!” you call.

“S-stop” Chris chokes out, trying to use whatever strength he had left to stop your boyfriend from continuing his assault.

“Joong stop, you’re going to kill him!” you scream.

“Maybe I should.” Hongjoong chuckles menacingly. “He deserves it, don’t you think?” he glances at you and your eyes widen.

You shake your head. “Please.” your voice is quiet. “Just leave him.” and finally your boyfriend relents.

He spares another glance to the bloodied man on the floor who’s coughing profusely to catch his breathe, and he leans over him.

“If you ever fucking touch y/n again, I will fucking kill you.” Hongjoong growled. “I will hunt you down and fucking kill you, and I’m gonna make it slow and painful. If you do so much as breathe the same air next to her, I can promise you, I will come after you. So don’t ever think about coming near her again, you understand?” Chris doesn’t say anything and it pisses Hongjoong off.

Hongjoong grabs onto his collar, lifting him up till their faces are almost touching. “Do. You. Understand?”

“Y-you’re fucking crazy.” Chris manages to say through his coughing fit.

“Yeah I may be,” Hongjoong chuckles. “But I’m not a fucking rapist like you. I don’t force girls to do things they don’t want to. I don’t try and take away what’s already taken. Y/n’s fucking mine, you’ll never go near her again.”

Your eyes are wide with horror and you see your boyfriend’s fist covered in Chris’ blood. Your eyes scan your ex’s body laying limp on the ground, spitting out the remnants of blood out of his mouth. Hongjoong stands up looking over him, and you’re frozen with shock.

“I was fucking wrong, y/n. You should fucking leave. You don’t want to be with a guy like this, he’s a fucking psychopath-” Hongjoong kicks the words right out of his mouth and you jump back with a gasp.

“Lay here and rot.” 

Hongjoong grabs onto your hand, dragging you away, and even if you want to pull your hand away, you don’t. You’re too scared to. 

You’re left in a state of shock witnessing your sweet boyfriend nearly kill the man you once loved. Granted, it was probably well deserved given that he was harassing you and was about to do far worse had Hongjoong not shown up. But you don’t think it should’ve been to such an extent. 

You don’t talk for the entirety of the car ride, but you do spare small glances at your boyfriend who’s eyes were directed onto the road.

Hongjoong can sense your intense stare and he sighs, turning briefly at a stoplight to face you.

“I only did that because he was gonna hurt you.” he sighs. “You know that right?”

You nod slowly. “Y-yeah.”

“Don’t be scared, baby.” he says gently, reaching over to grab your hand as you flinch slightly. 

The light turns green. He averts his gaze back onto the road, but he rubs the back of your hand in an attempt to comfort you.

Your heart is racing and you know you shouldn’t fear him.

But you can’t help it.

Seeing him like that was a first, and you didn’t like it.

“Y-you didn’t have to hurt him that bad.” you whisper.

“You’re not defending him are you?” he glances at you.

“I-i’m not, Joong.” you’re quick to say. 

“So why does it sound like you are?” he badgers.

“You almost killed him.” you swallow the lump in your throat.

“He was touching you, I saw him. He was going to-”

“But he didn’t.” you interrupt before he can finish his sentence. “You stopped him before he could do anything. And I’m thankful that you did but... that should’ve been it. We should’ve walked away, but you just ... you kept going.”

“He was hurting you, y/n, I couldn’t let that slide.” he tries to defend.

“But you weren’t you back there, Joong. I’ve never seen you so... violent. I didn’t like it.”

“I’m sorry baby. I couldn’t help it. I was just protecting you.”

His words repeat over and over in your head, but you can’t ignore the sinking feeling in your gut. He almost killed him. He threatened to kill him. You’ve seen possessive before, but not to this degree. 

No, what happened back there wasn’t normal.

You don’t talk anymore after that, instead counting down the minutes till you were safe and sound in the comfort of your home. 

When you do get home you run off into the shower immediately, wanting to wash away how disgusting and dirty you felt after what you witnessed.

You shoot Irene a text to tell her you made it home okay and she lets you know she’s gone home with Seulgi and is glad you’re safe.

You spend a long time in the shower, trying to ease your racing mind and your thumping heart. You know Hongjoong’s waiting for you in bed, he can’t sleep properly without you in his arms. But you dread the moment you have to get out and face the reality of what happened. So you choose to stay in there until the heat runs out.

You hate to admit that you don’t want to be near him right now, but you can’t help it when your mind keeps flashing back to seeing your boyfriend’s eyes fill with rage. How he went from being so calm to snapping in an instant. How he mostly like broke your ex’s nose and most likely gave him a concussion, and left him there without a single ounce of guilt.

You don’t say anything when you enter your bedroom, and Hongjoong notices your distant behaviour. 

“Y/n, can you come here please?” he asks gently and you lock eyes with him.

You don’t know what else to do except comply, and the minute you’re sat next to him, he pulls you into his arms.

“I’m sorry if I scared you earlier.” he apologizes, and you snuggle deeper into his arms.

“It’s okay, it just.. caught me by surprise that’s all.” your throat burns as you suppress your tears.

“You know why I did it though. I would never let anyone hurt you.” he states and you nod. “I just hate the thought of someone else touching you. Especially him.”

“I know.”

“I had to get rid of him someway, right?” he asks, it’s a rhetoric question so you stay silent. “This way he won’t ever come near you again.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” your voice is quiet and your vision starts to blur from holding in your tears.

“I love you, y/n.” he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to your head. 

“I love you too.” you choke out.

“You’re all mine right?”

You nod again, this time letting the tears fall down your face.

“All yours.”

You don’t want to say it. You don’t want to give him the power of being able to control you. But you tell him what he wants to hear because you don’t know what he would do if you didn’t.

“Promise me you won’t ever leave me.” he begs his arms tightening around your body. “I don’t know what I would do if you ever did.”

Your heart is beating rapidly in your chest that it hurts and your mind is panicking with so many thoughts. You’re scared, but you also know you still love him.

And you want to give him the benefit of the doubt that this incident was just a one time slip up, so you forgive him, and you commit to his promise.

“I promise.” you gulp. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Little did you know how true that statement would be.

Hongjoong falls asleep next to you, with your head on his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat rings in your ears. You look up at his sleeping state and your eyes start to water once more.

You think about how he was a good boyfriend, one that made you happy and did everything he could to ensure you stayed that way. He was sweet, he was kind, he was everything you wanted. 

You look at Hongjoong and think about how he made you smile and laugh like no other person ever had, how made you feel safe in his arms, how he kissed away your tears when you were sad, and how he treated like you an absolute goddess, never making you think otherwise. He was there to provide you comfort and pleasure, and he was good at everything he did. 

Up until that point he was perfect. 

A little too perfect that you knew there had to have been something wrong with him.

And now you knew.

You tried to rationalize his flaws with all the redeeming qualities he had.

He was good to you.

He absolutely doted you.

He loved you.

So why was it right now, looking at him at this very moment, you wanted to throw up in disgust at the mere sight of him.

2:07 AM

You think about that first incident as you sit curled up on your couch, and you’re left wondering why you continued to stay after that. That should’ve been your first sign to get the fuck out and leave. 

But you didn’t. 

You stayed.

And right now, you’re looking at yourself with disgust.

Seeing as how things haven’t gotten any better.

No improvement, no changes.

Nothing.

So why the fuck are you still here? you ask yourself.

But you know it’s because you love him. That you’ve never loved anyone the way you loved Hongjoong. You knew from the moment you met him you knew you wanted him to be your forever.

But this wasn’t what you meant.

This wasn’t what you signed up for when you gave your entire being to this very man. 

You’re smart enough to know you’re only going to keep getting hurt. But your love for him remained so strong and completely outweighed the bad. You know you’ll never be able to bring yourself out the door and leave him behind.

You’re stuck with him. Forever.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of your bedroom door opening, and you watch as Hongjoong passes the kitchen into the living room where you’re sat. You don’t know how much time has passed until you look over to the clock and see that it’s been well over an hour and you have yet to move a muscle.

Hongjoong walks over to you as he sits down beside you.

“Are you done having your bitch fit?” he chided and your eyes narrow at him.

“That’s how you’re really going to start this conversation right now?” you scoff. 

“What, you think I was gonna come here and beg for your forgiveness? I didn’t peg you for an idiot, y/n.” Hongjoong rolls his eyes at you.

“You’re unbelievable sometimes, you know that? It’s like you want to keep fighting with me!” you shout, getting up from your spot to stand in front of him. “You make me feel like I don’t have a right to be pissed at you and then you come back an hour later and talk to me this way?”

“I came down here to tell you to get the fuck up to bed. Like aren’t you fucking tired of doing this every time? Let’s just fucking be done with this shit and go to sleep and-”

“And what? Deal with it in the morning? Or fuck me until I eventually forgive you? Because that’s always what happens right? You know exactly how to make things better, right? But it’s always temporary! We’re always just gonna keep coming back to this over and over again! Nothing’s changed in the last three years!”

“You’re constantly throwing around the fact that I don’t listen to you, that I don’t fucking change, but what about you? What have you done for me to compromise?!” he retorts.

“Compromise on what?! All I’ve been asking you to do was to control your behaviour! Stop acting so possessive and violent over me because you should know by now, I’m not going anywhere! But you keep doing this, you keep lashing out on other people who don’t always deserve you, you put me in a position where I have to fix your mess, while you live a guilt free life! You’re just driving me away at this point! You continue to lie to me, saying you’re going to change and fix your behaviour but you never do! Why can’t you just do this one simple thing for me?!” you badgered with annoyance.

“Because you’re mine!” he screams at you.

You look at him with a glare, and you shake your head.

“But that’s the thing Hongjoong, I’m not! I’m nobody’s! I belong to fucking nobody but myself. You don’t fucking own me Joong. I’m with you because I love you. I stay with you because I love you. I can acknowledge that you might be bad for me but I choose to put that shit aside because I fucking love you! You make me fucking miserable and yet I stay with you when I know I fucking shouldn’t! That’s how much control you have over me!” you return.

“And everything I’ve done for you is because you have control over me! Why don’t you understand that?!” he asks, getting up in your face.

“This is fucking toxic, this isn’t good for us!” you pull at your hair in frustration.

“It’s not like you’re going anywhere anyways! If you think this relationship is too much for you, why do you continue defending me and putting up with it?!” he argues.

“Because I’m still trying to make this work!” you cry. “I’m still trying because I still love you! But I can’t keep seeing past all these problems we have! I’m done overlooking all the shit you put me through. I’m reaching my last fucking straw, Joong! I’m reaching my fucking breaking point!” you scream in frustration. “So let me make one thing clear, the minute I decide I’m done, that’s it. I will fucking leave you if you push me to it, and you’re gonna let me because you don’t own me.” you say. “I’m giving you one last chance to prove to me that you’re gonna fix up and change your attitude. I want you to prove me wrong, prove that you aren’t gonna screw up again. Because the minute you fuck up, Im gone.” you threaten.

“You’re just fucking saying that.” he scoffs. “You always fucking say that and then you come back to me!”

Your mouth falls open in disbelief. “You know what, fine. Watch me leave then.” you stomp upstairs and Hongjoong follows suit.

You close the door behind you with force but Hongjoong opens it before you can shut it fully and he watches you messily grab random articles of clothing, pushing past him to retrieve every item you can take. 

You’ve always made empty threats, you’ve never actually left him before and he knows you won’t. You’ve never been able to. 

But when he sees you grabbing a duffle bag and filling it with clothes it actually starts to scare him.

“Cut the fucking act, y/n. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove-“

You stop forcefully throwing hangers around and throwing your clothes around so carelessly to look at him. “You think I won’t leave you? I told you to fucking watch me.” you state continuing your haphazard packing.

Hongjoong lets out a frustrated sigh and grabs onto your arms to stop you. “Stop it.”

“Fuck you, let go of me.” you spit.

“I told you to fucking stop.” he says through gritted teeth.

“I swear to god if you don’t fucking let go of my arm-”

He doesn’t let you finish. Instead he pins you to the bed, hovering over you. “You’re not fucking leaving, stop being so fucking dramatic and just go to fucking bed! It’s fucking late, you need to chill out!” he scolds but you don’t listen. 

“What, so now you want to stop me?” you glare at him. “You could just kick me out again! You’ve done it before right? So why won’t you let me fucking leave this time on my own!”

“You always feel the need to bring that shit up, get the fuck over it! I’m not letting you leave-”

“WHY NOT?!”

“Because you’re acting fucking crazy and you’re out of control right now! Just fucking relax for once-”

You punch at his chest but his grip is too strong and you let out a frustrated groan. “GET THE FUCK OFF!” you screech at him but he doesn’t relent.

“Y/n, stop-”

“I FUCKING HATE YOU!” you scream. “I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU!”

“YOU CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU’RE NOT LEAVING ME!” he screams back at you.

You manage to free your grip from his wrists and you do the one thing you’ve never done before. You slap him.

It shocks the both of you and your mouth fall slightly open in surprise. He doesn’t say anything at first and you can tell he wasn’t expecting it either.

But then his eyes darken and they glare into your wide ones and he pulls on your wrist, teeth clenching. “Don’t ever fucking hit me again.”

You open your mouth to speak but no words come out.

“You’re not going anywhere.” he states. “I’m gonna go into the living room and you’re gonna stay in here and calm the fuck down. Then we’ll talk.” he says. “and if you still want to leave after that, fine. I won’t stop you this time. But you need to fucking relax and clear your fucking head. You’re fucking insane.”

And he leaves you alone once again.

You think about the one time you actually did leave.

But it wasn’t a choice you made on your own.

1 years, 9 months, 23 days ago.

You were used to his possessiveness by now. You knew his love for you was borderline obsessive, and you hated the fact that you still loved him too. You still chose to ignore all the red flags, overlooking every toxic trait he had.

You continued to put up with it and you excused his behaviour because... well it wasn’t like he controlled you completely.

He never forced you to tell him things you didn’t want, never controlled the things you did, never gave you shit for the things you wore, never made you feel like you needed to rely on him for everything.

He still gave you your freedom.

He just didn’t hold himself back from how other people acted around you. 

It was at his birthday party, you recall.

And it was the first time you were meeting the majority of Hongjoong’s friends. You wanted to make an effort to mingle with them to show your boyfriend you cared about the people in his life.

Sure you knew of his closest ones, the other seven boys he allowed you to be near. They were the only ones that Hongjoong felt comfortable with you being around.

But this time you were surrounded by new faces, and it wasn’t like Hongjoong warned you of any of them so you took it upon yourself to befriend a few of them. You figured if he let him into the comfort of your own home, they had to have been good people.

You saw no harm in it, and at first he didn’t see the harm either.

Until he noticed the lingering stare in Sehun’s eyes, and the way his fingertips would ghost over the skin of your shoulder, and how his knee would brush against yours every so often. 

Anger started to bubble up in his chest at the sight of you laughing at something Sehun said, and the jealousy ran rampant in his veins. 

He tried to control his feelings at first, brushing it off as Sehun’s overly flirtatious nature. 

But it was when he saw his friend place his hand over your bare thigh that Hongjoong finally lost it. 

Before you could even take Sehun’s hand off of you and tell him to back off, Hongjoong’s grabbing onto him in an instant, throwing him away from you.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Hongjoong seethes as Sehun’s eyes widen.

The guests eyes avert to the scene in front of them and you look over at Seonghwa and San pleading for help.

“Woah, calm down, Joong.” Sehun says with a light chuckle. “I was just telling your girlfriend about-”

“Yeah, exactly, MY girlfriend.” Hongjoong interrupted. “So why is that you feel the need to touch her like she’s fucking single? You don’t think I’ve been watching you eye fuck her this whole night? Don’t you know how to back off?” he pushes at his friend’s chest.

“Dude, relax, it’s not that serious.” Sehun rolls his eyes. “You know me man, I would never do anything to disrespect you, or your girl.”

“That’s not what it fucking looked like you prick-”

“Okaaay, Joong, how ‘bout we go somewhere else, hm?” Seonghwa calls, placing his arm around your boyfriend’s shoulder as he and San guide him into one of your guest rooms.

You follow suit with Wooyoung and Yunho behind you as you leave the confused party guests to themselves.

“Are you okay?” Yunho asks and you nod your head.

But inside, you’re heart seizes with fear, because you know exactly where this conversation is gonna go. 

When you enter the room, it feels tense right away, and Hongjoong eyes you with a cold stare. “Do you have anything to say for yourself right now?” he calls over San’s shoulder.

You shake your head. “W-what did I do?” you ask genuinely.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Hongjoong scoffs.

“Joong, stop.” Seonghwa sighs, placing a hand on his chest.

“You know what your problem is, you fucking act like such an innocent little bitch when in reality you’re the biggest slut i know.” he spits at you suddenly, and it has everyone’s eyes widening at his bold statement.

“Pipe down, hyung. Don’t call her that.” Yunho shakes his head disapprovingly.

“What was I doing wrong?! Talking to him?!” you scoff.

“For letting him touch you like that! He was fucking flirting with you and you didn’t do shit about it-”

“Oh my god, you didn’t even give me the chance!” you say, throwing your hands in the air. “If you just waited one more fucking second I would’ve told him to take his hands off me and-”

“Bullshit.” he laughs. “You wanna go whore around? Fine. But don’t fucking lie to my face and pretend that you didn’t do shit.” he pushes past Seonghwa to get in your face. “Go back out there with him if that’s what you want.” as he shoves you back.

“Woah hey, Joong, don’t do that.” Seonghwa intervenes when he sees his best friend push you a bit too hard.

“How are you gonna blame me and say it’s my fault? All we were doing was talking!-“ you try to defend, tears threatening to spill.

“Talking my fucking ass,” your boyfriend scoffs at you.  “You’re just a fucking attention whore. What, I’m suddenly not enough for you? So you go around prancing like the little slut you are because you need validation from other guys?!”

You feel embarrassed at your current situation, feeling the heavy stares of Hongjoong’s best friends on you. Fighting with him in private was one thing. It was shitty and made you feel terrible, but you could handle it. 

But being in the same room, hearing your boyfriend call you names while his friends watch from the side has you recoiling in pure humiliation.  

“Hongjoong that’s enough! Fuck, what is wrong with you man?” Seonghwa pushes his friend back.

“Why don’t you ask her? Why are you guys acting like i’m the fucking villain?!” Hongjoong sneers. “You think she’s the fucking victim here? Look at her. Acting all innocent and crying like a fucking bitch. What are you so upset about?” he glares at you and you stand still in your spot, not knowing what to say. 

“Joong, I’m sorry but I don’t think what I was doing was wrong!” you say. “You wanted me to get to know your friends and that’s exactly what I was doing! You can’t get mad at me for doing what you wanted!”

“You let him fucking feel you up, you let him touch you when you know I don’t like that shit. You’re making all these excuses to justify the fact that you can’t be satisfied with one man giving you all his attention?! How are you gonna say you didn’t do anything wrong when you let that happen?! When you know it would upset me, on my fucking birthday no less? Fuck you y/n! Your mouth is fucking shit, all you know how to do is lie!”

“You know what, fuck you too Joong. I put up with so much of your shit, I forgive you every time you get pissed over another guy being around me. I clean up your fucking mess time and time again and this is how you treat me?! Are you just going to get mad every time a man does so much as breathe next to me?! You’re going to blame me for shit I didn’t even do-“ he interrupts you, refusing to hear your side.

“Yeah I fucking blame you!”

“God can you fucking relax and think about what you’re saying right now?! You’re literally causing a scene at your own fucking birthday party-”

“Yeah and what?!” he screams at you. “You don’t think everyone at this fucking party should know how much of a fucking slut you are?!”

You gape at him and so does Seonghwa and San whose holding their best friend back. 

“Woah, hyung that’s not fucking cool.” San says. “I know you’re pissed off and drunk as fuck right now but do not treat your girlfriend that way.”

Hongjoong chuckles, “Why? She thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants anyways. Why the fuck can’t I call her out on her shit?”

“Because she didn’t do anything!” Wooyoung shouts, coming next to you protectively. “You need to fucking relax. Yunho, help me get everyone out of their house. They need to deal with this shit with less people here.”

Yunho nods his head, leaving the room with Wooyoung to usher all the party guests out.

“Joong, don’t be unreasonable right now. Be mad at Sehun all you want, but don’t accuse y/n of being at fault when she didn’t do anything. She’s your fucking girlfriend for god sakes, don’t treat her this way-” Seonghwa begins to defend you but Hongjoong stops him.

“You know what, take your fucking shit, get the fuck out of my house, and don’t fucking come back!” he grabs your purse and throws it in your direction and it nearly hits you in the face.

“Hyung!” San shouts as he holds his elder back.

“Are you actually kicking me out right now?” you ask in shock.

“You’re damn right I am.” he states. “Go fucking slut it up on the streets for all I give a shit! Since you want male attention so bad, see how long you last out there!” Hongjoong taunts you.

“D-don’t fucking do this, Joong.” you plead. “I know you’re pissed at me but don’t make me leave, I have nowhere else to go.”

“Ask me if I give a shit.” he rolls his eyes. “You want to act like an ungrateful bitch then get the fuck out of my place. I literally fucking give you everything, I love you like no else fucking will. You don’t fucking appreciate me then Get. The. Fuck. Out.”

You don’t move for a second, but Hongjoong pushes past his friends, gripping onto your arm as he drags you out of the room. 

The guests are long gone by now, and you don’t admit that you’re thankful that no one else has to witness this right now.

“Joong, let go of her!” Seonghwa calls after him, as him and San follow you both out the door. 

Yunho and Wooyoung are in the kitchen when they see their friend dragging you outside and they’re quick to try and resolve the situation, but there’s nothing they can do at this point that’ll calm Hongjoong down.

“You don’t want to fucking leave? I’ll make you leave! Don’t ever try and come back here, I mean it!” he pushes you forcefully out the door and slams the door in your face and his friends stare with their mouths open in pure horror.

“Are you crazy?! What is wrong with you?!” Yunho gapes.

“She wants to act like a whore then let her. When everything I do is for her, it’s not enough! She wants to find comfort in other men then she can fucking do that.” Hongjoong simply shrugs. “Let her learn her lesson. See how long she can survive without me.”

The four boys don’t say anything, instead choosing to leave and find you to ensure your safety. They don’t recognize this man in front of them, and they never thought they’d witness him act this way.

They hate him right now, and they think you deserve to hate him too.

They find out downstairs in the lobby, crying on the bench hysterically. It’s 2 in the morning and they know how tired you must be, so Seonghwa kindly offers you to stay at their place for the time being.

“Y/n, don’t worry about Hongjoong right now.” Seonghwa sits next to you.

“I have nowhere to go-”

“You’re going to come stay with us.” he states. “We have a spare room, you can stay there for as long as you need. You don’t have to worry about him right now, he’s being a fucking dick. Drunk or not he shouldn’t be treating you this way.”

“He’s gonna get mad if I go with you-”

“Let him get mad then.” San interjects. “It’s better than you sleeping on the streets by yourself. You’re better off with us.”

You don’t hesitate after that and you agree, thanking them profusely for their generosity. They sit with you until the Uber comes, asking you every few minutes if you’re doing okay. You realize that not even your own boyfriend has shown this much compassion towards you in a long time. 

“Does he always do this to you?” Wooyoung asks and you shake your head.

“No, no..” you say. “He just, he gets jealous easily. Doesn’t like when other guys are around me. He’s kind of possessive and he just, acts out I guess.”

“I didn’t know he was like that.” Seonghwa sighs. “He doesn’t ... hit you does he?”

“No! Never, no.” you’re quick to say. “He just needs to control his anger better...”

The Uber pulls up in front of your building before any more words can be exchanged, and the boys guide you over to the car.

When you get inside, you rest your head on the window and cry again. Silently this time, but the boys know. They can only imagine how you’re feeling at this very moment, and they feel terrible inside.

You look over to Yunho who’s sitting beside you and he stares back at you. 

“Do you think he hates me?” you ask quietly.

“No, y/n. He could never hate you.” he sighs. “He loves you so much.” he tries to reassure.

“So why does he treat me like this?” you return, and Yunho’s heart breaks for you.

He doesn’t know what to say because he doesn’t even know the answer to that himself.

He shakes his head with another heavy sigh, reaching over to comfort you. “I don’t know, y/n.” he admits truthfully. “All I know is that I’m sorry he did this to you.”

Everyone else in the car can hear your conversation, but out of respect for you they pretend to ignore it.

But in their heads, they’re all thinking the same thing as Yunho.

They’re sorry he did this to you too.

4:12 AM

A few hours pass and you’re calmer now.

Your head still hurts and your heart feels heavy but you’re less angry. So you figured that counted for something.

You’ve sat with yourself for the last two hours, weighing your options.

You could still leave.

But just like the first time you left by force, you still have nowhere else to go.

You could go back to Seonghwa’s place, but it took a long time for him and all the other boys to forgive Hongjoong, you didn’t want to burden them and drag them through this mess all over again.

You somehow managed to convince them you and Hongjoong were doing better, and you didn’t want to have to put them in another uncomfortable position where they would have to pick sides.

You figure here is better than nowhere, even with the endless cycle of this torment. 

Half of you wants to leave, to forget about this whole nightmare and leave this life behind. To not look back and leave your boyfriend for good. To find someone else who could probably treat you better than this.

But the other half knows you depend on Hongjoong too much for your happiness. It’s the optimistic part in you that keeps reminding you that despite all these reoccurring fights, he still makes you happy, in some ways. 

You’re conflicted to say the least, and you don’t know what you truly want to do.

Because if you leave you’ll come back, and if you stay, you’ll just subject yourself to this miserable life over and over again.

You don’t see any winning options.

Hongjoong’s soft knock interrupts your thoughts and he comes in shortly after. “Are you good now?” he asks softly and you nod.

You scoot across the bed to make room for him and he takes it as a sign to lay next to you. You two don’t say anything for a long while. Just staring into the plain white walls of your bedroom. You can hear each other breathing heavily, words lingering on the tips of your tongues, yet, none of you say anything.

The silence lasts for what feels like an eternity before he finally decides to speak first.

“So are you going to leave?” Hongjoong asks, turning to face you.

You shrug. “I want to.”

“So why don’t you?” he asks, but this time, there’s not a hint of malice in his tone. For once, it’s just curiosity.

You finally lock eyes with him and your face softens. “Because I fucking love you.” your eyes water, and Hongjoong pulls you into his arms. “I don’t know why I can’t leave you Joong. I fucking hate you and love you at the same time. You literally make me feel like shit. You do nothing good for me. You ruined my life.” you cry into his chest and he hugs you tighter.

“I know baby.” he murmurs, and it shouldn’t comfort you. But it does.

“I should leave.”

“You should.” he agrees.

“There’s only so much I can handle. I can’t stay with you if you aren’t willing to change, even a little bit. This is getting too much and I keep giving you all these chances when I should’ve walked away a long time ago.” you exclaim.

“I know.” is all he can say.

“I want to leave you, but at the same time I can’t stand the thought of not being with you.” you sigh.

You hate yourself right now because you sound so fucking stupid.

You could never explain why you continue to stay with him, because you don’t even know the answer to that yourself. All you know is that you’re a fucking idiot.

“I know I don’t deserve you, but I need you here with me, y/n.” he sighs. “I don’t ever want to know what it’s like to not have you anymore. I love you, you know I do. That’s why I do this, it’s just because I love you.”

You’ve heard it all before.

You shouldn’t believe him.

You shouldn’t even let him convince you of anything.

He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness for the millionth time.

“If you forgive me this time, it’s the last time I’ll put you through this ever again.”

“Don’t lie to me, Joong.” you shake your head.

“I’m not.”

“I want to believe you so bad.” you sigh.

“So believe me.” he turns to you. “Trust me now like you’ve trusted me all the other times before. I swear to you that I’ll put more of an effort this time.”

You sigh, looking up at the ceiling, refusing to meet his eyes.

You think about the time you forgave him for kicking you out.

1 year, 8 months, 23 days ago.

One month later, Hongjoong’s begging for you back, asking for your forgiveness as you sit at Seonghwa’s dining table, void of any emotion.

You’ve lived 30 days without any communication with Hongjoong, and you hate to say that it was the worst thirty days of your life. 

Even after tossing you out like you were nothing, you still missed him beyond belief, and your heart craved him every night he wasn’t right beside you.

You know at this point, you were just as fucked in the head as he was.

For continuing to love a man who proved time and time again that he wasn’t good for you, and he never would be.

“What makes you think you deserve to talk to her after you pulled that shit last month?” Seonghwa raises his eyebrow, folding his arms across his chest as he eyes his best friend.

“I-I was drunk, Hwa.” Hongjoong excuses and his friend scoffs.

“You’re pathetic.” Seonghwa rolls his eyes. “You can’t just come back and expect her to be okay with what you did to her. And why now? You should’ve done it the night after you tossed her out but instead you choose to wait a whole fucking month?”

“I wanted to clear my head. I wanted to think about what I did wrong and make sure I made it up to her the right way.” Hongjoong defends himself. “Can you just let me in so I can see my fucking girlfriend? Since when were you so protective over her?”

“Since you treated her like fucking garbage!” Seonghwa retaliates. “I shouldn’t even let you do this, but you’re my best friend and you need to do what’s right. But if I ever catch you treating y/n that badly again, I will make sure you never see her again.” 

Hongjoong nods his head, but inside he’s rolling his eyes at his elder. He hates that Seonghwa cares about you all of a sudden, but he won’t be unreasonable this time. He’ll admit his faults. Right now the only thing he cares about is getting you back.

Seonghwa finally lets him in and he takes you to the dining area where you’re seated reading a book. You don’t notice the presence of the two boys right away until Seonghwa clears his throat and you look up.

“Y/n, Hongjoong wanted to talk to you.” Seonghwa states, leaving the two of you alone.

You just stare at him at first, not knowing exactly what to say or do. You don’t know if he’s going to lash out at you, or forgive you for pissing him off the night of his birthday.

He approaches you gently, leaning down next to you as he places a small bouquet of roses on the table.

“I know this isn’t enough of an apology for what I did, but, I didn’t mean what I said that night.” he says gently.

You look at the roses in front of you and sigh. “You really hurt me you know that?” 

“I know.” he bows his head down in shame. 

“I get it, Joong. I can deal with your possessiveness, I can deal with your anger problems, but calling me names? Kicking me out? I let so much shit slide but when you go off and blame me for things that I didn’t even do...” you say quietly.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, baby.” Hongjoong sighs. “Everything I said that night was out of anger towards Sehun. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, but it just killed me to see him all over you like that. You know that I love you too much and sometimes that makes me act out.”

“You can’t keep doing this when someone makes you mad.” you say. “You should know by now I’m all yours. I told you that so long ago. You don’t have to worry about me leaving because I won’t. But you can’t do this ever again, Joong. Please.” you plead.

“I won’t. I promise, I won’t do this again. But please forgive me, because I can’t live without you. I miss you so much. And I still love you. No matter what I said, that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I always will.”

Your heart softens hearing his words and your eyes begin to tear up. Hongjoong looks at you endearingly and you suddenly remember the face of the man you fell in love with so long ago.

You go against your better judgement and forgive him.

Like you always do.

“I love you too.” you say.

“So you forgive me?” he asks, placing his hand on your thigh comfortingly.

You sigh.

You take his bouquet of roses as a silent sign of forgiveness and you scoot over to let him sit next to you.

Hongjoong pulls you into his arms, hating the prideful feeling inside of him, knowing very well things were going exactly how he expected. He knew this was going to happen. He knew you were going to forgive him and take him back.

Because you always take him back.

4:30 AM

“Y/n, I love you, you know that right?” he says.

“I know.” you swallow your tears. 

You do know he does.

But it never really feels like it.

“But.. if you claim to love me why can’t you change? Or at least try to? You keep hurting me and then you say it’s because you love me but, you don’t exactly show me that. I don’t understand how you can keep putting me in this position and say you do out of love.” you ask.

“I can’t explain what makes me act this way. But I go crazy when it comes to you, and it’s because of how strongly I feel for you. I don’t know why I treat you like shit. I don’t know why I do the things I do.” he admits.

“Sometimes I feel like you don’t love me at all. You just look at me as something that belongs to you.” you say.

He hates that you’re partially right. 

“That’s not true.” he lies. 

He does love you. He loves you more than anything else in this world, that much is clear.

But you’re right about you belonging to him.

Deep down he thinks you’re stupid for thinking you don’t belong to him. 

You are is his. You always will be his.

But he doesn’t try to prove you wrong. He keeps his mouth shut.

It’s silent again, and your heads are both swirling with a million different thoughts, and you want to say a million different things to each other. 

But you feel like there’s nothing left to say. 

Because everything that could be said, already has been.

The cycle will just continue. It’s never going to stop.

And there’s no one else to blame except for the poor decisions you both make.

You let yourselves get to this point.

“You need to let me leave, Joong. I can’t keep doing this.” your lips quiver and your voice breaks.

“No y/n-”

You stop him. “No, listen to me first.” you say. 

“I told you. I’m tired of doing this again and again. You need to promise me right now you’re going to do something to change yourself because I meant it when I said I will leave if you keep driving me away. Because if you can’t promise me this one thing, and actually mean it, you have to let me walk away. If you claim to care about me, and if you really do love me, you’ll either do this for me or you’re going to let me be happy without you. So please, Joong. I’m begging you. Please. Please just do this for me or just let me fucking go.” you cry, and he pulls you into his chest as you sob.

He doesn’t know what to tell you.

Because if he promises he’ll change, he’d only be lying. 

But if he doesn’t, he has to force himself to let you go.

And he could never do that.

“I’m not letting you go.” he states, and you know that’s his way of avoiding your promise.

“We aren’t good for each other. We shouldn’t be together.” you bury your face in his chest, and his hold on you tightens again.

Hongjoong’s throat starts to burn. “I know.” he whispers. “But we also can’t be without each other.” 

He feels your tears soak through his shirt.

“You’ll change this time, won’t you?” you look at him with pleading eyes. 

He doesn’t want to, but he nods anyways. 

He just doesn’t offer any sort of reassurance.

You want him to say sorry, Hongjoong can feel it. He knows all you’ve ever wanted was to hear him apologize and mean it.

But he never does. Because he isn’t sorry.

He isn’t sorry for scaring away those guys who threatened to take him away from you. He isn’t sorry for calling you those names. He isn’t sorry for making you feel like you can’t get anyone better than him. He isn’t sorry for knowing how much you truly depend on him and need him. 

He’s not sorry, and he never will be.

So instead he chooses to say ‘i promise.’ like he’s done again and again. He repeats those same words to you and he feels you relax in his arms.

He knows you’re not stupid enough to believe him, but you’re too optimistic for your own good. Always choosing to believe he can change. Always seeing the good that’s left in him and your broken relationship. And for the record, he does try, but his love for you is just so obsessive and consuming it drives him mad. He just can’t bear the thought of someone else taking you away from him. He can’t control the way he acts and he knows its unhealthy. 

But he lies to you because he knows it’ll keep you with him. 

“I promise I’ll change.” he whispers in your ear.

And you want to believe him so badly. But you know it’s just an empty promise. Because you know the next chance he gets, he will put you through all this again. And Hongjoong won’t admit it but he knows you’re always going to forgive him. No matter how many times you threaten to leave and actually try to, you’re going to end up back in his arms every night, loving him like you’ve never loved anyone else before.

So for right now, you just pretend. You pretend he means what he says and you pretend that things are going to get better. 

You want to believe that he’ll change.

But deep down inside, you know he never will.

LA FIN.

[dear-yandere]

amidst hell.

yandere! sypha, alucard, trevor, and hector. requested by anonymous.

Sypha is protective and lucid.

Having been raised by the nomadic Speakers, she understands the importance of watching out for those she cares about; with her darling, she quickly realizes how intense these particular feelings are around them and only them. Sypha isn’t rash about this, choosing to put her feelings aside in order to focus on perfecting her craft and, later, aiding Trevor and Alucard. 

Out of the trio, she is by far the most well-adapted yandere, displaying only slight tendencies when her emotions get the better of her -- tendencies she is quick to catch and correct. As an idealistic woman, she is careful to put her feelings aside for the good for her companions and the future.

For Sypha, discipline is key. Still, should harm befall her darling, she can’t promise she won’t overdo her magic when getting revenge.

Alucard is manipulative and reluctant.

There is nothing in this world Alucard wants less than to become just like his hateful and vengeful father; and yet, the young dhampir cannot snuff his feelings as soon as they surface. Alucard is secretly jealous of Sypha because she can conceal and control her feelings with an accuracy and discipline far beyond him.

Alucard is not without his selfishness, a trait he only wishes he could inherit from his mother. Alucard has her patience, sense of justice, and kindness, but what semblance of patience he thought he had is proven to be null when he falls in love. He’s prone to jealousy and bouts of stubbornness, and while he is slow to anger, he does not tolerate rampant dishonesty or defiance from his darling. Before he realizes what he’s doing, he’s already used his intellect and charismatic presence to convince his darling to behave.

Under it all, Alucard is deathly terrified of being like his father -- he is deathly terrified of falling in love. This is a truth he has to accept when he falls in love, just as his father had.

Trevor is possessive and protective.

His tendencies only really show when he’s drunk, and unfortunately, that’s nearly all the time -- at least before he meets Sypha and her Seekers. His deep morals and protective nature are overshadowed by his harsh treatment of his darling when intoxicated. He’ll yell at them, grip their skin harsh enough to leave bruises in the morning, force kisses and touches upon them until they scream that they’re his.

He doesn’t like sharing, but he loves showing off; unfortunately, this brings even more unwanted attention when he’s drunk, but no one dares to bother him and his darling once they realize how easily he can beat anyone who interrupts.

His possessiveness melts away when he’s sober, and although he is no longer physically harsh with his beloved, his words are crude and thoughtless as a result of his low temper. He means well, truly, but Trevor has a way with putting himself in a bad light; his actions always go against his feelings, and more often than not, darling will think he views them as no more than a nuisance and occasional toy.

Hector is delusional and possessive.

The Forgemaster is naive and childlike, and perhaps that’s the main driver of his morbid delusions and possessive behavior. A child in a human man’s body -- he is easy to manipulate, provided his darling is intuitive enough to pick up on this. Still, it won’t do much if his darling happens to be undead, brought back to life thanks to his power -- completely under his command. As much as his darling would like to be free from his grotesque version of love, they are physically and mentally unable to resist him.

Hector treats his darling like another one of his pets, though his favoritism isn’t to be looked over. He loves all his pets equally, but his darling garners more attention than the rest simply because the Forgemaster is unused to keeping a human (or...what’s left of a human) as a pet. He’s always felt far more connected to animals, so this is new to him.

But even he wants to love and be loved -- he realizes that much. That’s why he won’t let his darling say no.

It’s not like they can escape.

[cowtale-utau]

Hey here’s another alt of the cast, because apparently I hate myself or something. (that’s a joke, mostly) Here are the ‘canon breakers’. Originally known as the ‘dark’ alts, I realized not all of them were that dark. But they are all based off breaking canon soul lore so. ‘Canon Breakers’ it is.

However I should warn, some of these versions are for the most part, built on much darker themes and touch on delicate subjects. These mini bios are short, but might still be bothersome to some. Please be careful.

Undertale Sans/Magister : Is highly manipulative. He seems passive, but is always pulling the strings. Even when it seems like someone was doing something he didn’t want, it’s inevitable that it will actually be working in his favor.

Undertale Papyrus/Hero : Delusional, with a hardcore savior complex. He will help everyone, whether they truly need it or not. He plows right over anyone else’s will to do what he believes to be “correct”.

Underfell Sans/Blossom : Skittish and fragile in many ways. He’s prone to outbursts of anger but quickly reverts to fawn out of trained fear. He’d do and has done everything for his brother, to his clear detriment.

Underfell Papyrus/Boss : Very much full of himself, but also able to back it up. He has a cruel streak, but doesn’t usually seek to harm people specifically. He does let his temper get the best of him at times, and expects everyone to bow to his whims.

Underswap Sans/Marauder : Leans into his “cute” image heavily, all the while playing everyone for the fools he thinks they are. He’s convinced even his brother he is this sweet innocent being in need of guarding, all the while indulging in untold levels of debauchery. He doesn’t care who gets hurt, as long as he gets his way.

Underswap Papyrus/Smoke : Wildly moody. At times he can seem a chill sort to vibe with and at other times he flips to a cruel and vindictive being. His words cut deep and he has driven people over the edge before. He is wildly possessive and unpredictable.

Swapfell(Red) Sans/Chain : Very much full of himself. A violent megalomaniac prone to incoherent tantrums. The problem is, that when his rage tapers off, the grudge still exists and his true cleverness can shine through.

Swapfell(Red) Papyrus/Jackal : Apathetic and cool. He does as he pleases. While he never goes out of his way to break laws or rules, he also doesn’t care if he does. He obeys his brother mostly to humor him, but also enjoys being an ass about it. Malicious compliance is one of his favorite things.

Horrortale Sans/Han : A ruthless, sadistic hunter. At times he can be good company. Good, albeit dark, humor, a relaxed confidence, he can be quite pleasant to be around. However, he is also willing and able to kill damn near anyone at the drop of a hat, and rather enjoys it.

Horrortale Papyrus/Lector : He doesn’t enjoy killing per se, but he has no issue with it either. He does enjoy rather dangerous and violent traps, and gets a thrill out of startling people. However, more than anything, he loves to consume. Food, media, anything.

Swapfell(Purple) Sans/Hyde : A very broken, shell of a skeleton. Not only pushed away, but violently abandoned by his brother, he seeks to regain Addict’s company at any cost. Unfortunately this desperation goes unanswered, and Hyde often finds himself chasing a hopeless dream.

Swapfell(Purple) Papyrus/Addict : Entirely self-driven. He has absolutely no care for the wants or needs of anyone else. He enjoys causing problems on a larger and more malicious scale than his original counterpart.  Cruel, selfish, and above all, greedy.

Fellswap Gold Sans/Vincere : A much more controlled megalomaniac. He has an extreme sense of self importance. His opinion is the correct one, and everyone should obey him at all times. His word is law, and he deserves to be revered.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus/Servire : There isn’t much of a person left in him. Quiet, stoic, the perfect soldier in that he follows commands to a T without question. He no longer bothers with his “silly childish hobbies” and rarely interacts with anyone.

Underlust Sans/Nox : Ever since the loss of his child, has been desperate for another. He doesn’t care about anyone else’s wants in the matter, only that he gets to have his kid. When not actively seeking that eventuality, he’s wild and over indulgent.

Underlust Papyrus/Lux : Leans just as far into his “otherness” while also using it to his direct benefit. Rather than the largely passive actions of his counterpart, he manipulates people and events to get his way. He’s garnered quite the following, and they all bow to his whims fervently and without question.

Dancetale Sans/Locke : He exists in a constant fog of sorrow, which he cannot source. This leaves his struggling to understand why he feels as he does, and leads to him withdrawing so as not to “drag others down with him”.

Dancetale Papyrus/Twist : Questions his own value desperately, and in turn seeks validation from any and all sources. It doesn’t matter how bad or toxic the situation or relationship. If he is being acknowledged he will cling. He can be prone to outbursts if he feels he’s “falling out of favor”.

Outertale Sans/Atlas : Is convinced he must ‘save’ this backwards time, and is very cross about it. His temper is short but burns dangerously cold.

Outertale Papyrus/Sisyphus : Is literally incapable of experiencing negative emotion, which makes for a very strange life experience. All of his “empathy” is built on book knowledge and watching people, as he truly has no practical point of reference.

Farmtale Sans/Dust : He ultimately won against Frisk, but at what cost? Driven to kill everyone before Frisk could, he came out victorious and left the barrier, but now he is alone, and haunted by his choices.  He tries to keep to himself, eke out a quiet, isolated living, but that isn’t always allowed.

Farmtale Papyrus/Rot : Full of anger, sorrow, bitterness and hate, he feels his death was meaningless and rages over having life stripped from him. He will influence or at times outright possess Dust, pushing him into killing sprees. At other times, regret sinks in, and he tries to comfort his beloved brother, only for the rage to seep back in and take over once more.

G!Sans/Beller : All of the impulse, none of the regard for the saftey of others. He does as he please with little consideration for anyone beyond his brother. He goes where he wants, takes what he wants, and lives like to the fullest, even if it means someone else suffers.

G!Papyrus/Ophon : All the science, none of the morals. He doesn’t go out of his way to hurt people, but won’t let it stop him from testing a theory either. He figures a few bad tests will likely make things better or easier for the survivors later, so oh well.

Bermudatale Sans/Shoal : Has absolutely no interest in leaving the island, and uses his role as Judge to ensure the barrier remains intact. Anyone who arrives on their shores and finds themselves comfortable settling in, is allowed to stay, but anyone with delusions of “saving the monsters” meets a swift end. This is the only circumstance that will push Shoal into action. He likes his peaceful, slow, life, and will allow no one to take it from him.

Bermudtale Papyrus/Reef : He is very similar to the classic form, but minus most of the self control, or understanding of other peoples limits. He pushes not only himself but everyone else to and past their limits, and fails to understand when people can’t keep up.

There we are, the spin offs of a spin off of a collection of spin offs. Lmfao. I’ll have the ladies done and posted at some point as well. c:

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I read your post about Marlon surviving and joining the delta. I'm super curious about how Louis would react to this, especially the part you wrote about him being the one to cut his finger off. And what would Marlon's reaction be to seeing Louis in a relationship with Clem?

Well. 

This gets wild.

Sorry ‘bout that. 

-

Their relationship would become incredibly strained once Clementine and AJ entered the picture, and eventually hostile depending on choices. 

In the beginning, there are several instances that show how close Louis and Marlon are; the photo in Marlon’s office, Louis being referred to as “Marlon’s lap dog,” defending Marlon and making excuses whenever he gets angry, Louis sharing a story with Clementine about him and Marlon when they were kids and how Marlon stepped up when no one else would, as well as more scenes of them standing together in the background and conversing. 

However, the closer Clementine gets to him, the more changes you see in their friendship. It becomes clear that Marlon feels a bit possessive of Louis and their history together, and with him planning on giving Clementine and AJ away to the delta when the time comes, he’s afraid that Clementine will break his heart. 

It gets to the point where Marlon takes Clementine out for a hunting trip and asks her intentions with him. Regardless of your response, the next morning when Clementine’s going to Marlon’s office, she hears arguing before Louis leaves. For the rest of the day, Louis keeps his distance and it’s clear that it’s Marlon’s doing, further telling the player how much of an influence [or rather, control] Marlon has over Louis. 

And when the final confrontation comes and Clementine turns to Louis, it goes down about the same with some extra dialogue showing the true strain of the lies forming around their friendship. 

Now, as I said, depending on if you attack him or not, Marlon will survive and be put down in the basement or AJ will kill him. For the sake of this, Clementine attacked him and got the gun, preventing his death.

The next morning comes and after Brody’s funeral, Louis and Violet, as well as the rest of the group, argue about if they should kick Marlon out. 

Violet argues that he murdered Brody and is still a threat to everyone, while Louis argues that Marlon will die out there by himself and that he can atone by helping them against the delta. 

Clementine has the choice to side with either of them and when she agrees with Louis, he’s incredibly thankful to her. 

But, in the end, the majority vote is to kick Marlon out. This leaves Louis upset and unable to face his longtime best friend, but expresses his gratitude to Clementine for her support, even though he can see that she doesn’t truly agree with him. 

Clementine and AJ lead Marlon out into the woods.

 During this time, Marlon asks why Clementine would vote for him to stay. Clementine responds that she did it for Louis, which upsets Marlon. Then, they run into Lilly and Abel, they take Marlon, and Clementine and AJ are saved by James. 

Back at the school, Clementine explains what happened to Louis and the others, and they prepare for the attack. 

 She and Louis have a quiet moment together in their graveyard where Louis goes more in-depth into his guilt about leaving Marlon to take all the responsibilities and how he noticed something going on with him, but always turned away from it. He always wanted to believe in him, and a part of him still can’t comprehend that Marlon killed Brody and gave the twins away. 

The piano scene goes down the same [EXCEPT I get my piano mini-game!!! If Violet gets constellations then Louis gets a duet!!] and so does the fight, except Lilly mentions Marlon in hopes that someone will come forward. 

Fast forward to the boat, we see Marlon for the first time weeks, and he’s fucked up. I’m talking his head is shaved, he’s got healing bruises all over him, his eyes are sunken in, and he speaking much differently. He’s clearly been subject to the delta’s “training methods” and it’s made him damn near a new person. 

And here, he replaces Dorian, telling Clementine to not try anything or else they’ll hurt Violet more.  Lilly shows up with Minerva, they chat, Minerva confesses to killing Sophie, and Louis freaks out. Marlon tries to calm him down, but it’s too late. 

Lilly orders Marlon to pull Louis out of the cell, to which Louis and AJ try to stop him, but ultimately Louis ends up on the ground with Marlon on top and ready to cut off Louis’ finger. 

AJ bites him, and Louis is dragged back into the cell. Marlon’s left to watch the others while Lilly drags AJ away, and here’s where we see Louis completely come apart. 

Up to this point, we’ve watched Louis slowly come to terms with all the fucked up shit Marlon’s done and realizes how he manipulated him into avoiding Clementine all out of selfishness. And here, after Marlon did this to him- his best friend? 

You thought Louis screaming “FUCK YOU!” at Minerva left you shook? Oof. OOF. Double that you and you’ve got his heated argument with Marlon while Clementine escapes. 

Louis gets out of his cell and fucking tackles Marlon off of Clementine. Louis isn’t as physically strong as him, so Marlon kicks Louis off and goes after Clementine with a knife. Louis crawls to grab Marlon’s crossbow and shoots him through the shoulder. 

Realizing what he’s done, Louis goes into shock, but instead of going to Marlon’s side and apologizing, he turns his back on him and grabs Violet out of her cell. 

The group leaves Marlon lying there. 

Back on land, we’re left with a split second choice: Do you shoot Minerva or Marlon? Whoever you shoot gets killed by walkers while the other only gets bitten. 

Marlon gets bitten, and we’re left to think he died as well. 

Now, depending on if Tenn or Mitch is alive, they’ll travel with you, Louis and AJ to the bridge. For the sake of this scenario, we’ll say that Mitch is with us. 

Marlon corners us on the bridge. He’s even more fucked at this point, dragging his feet and talking to himself. When he sees Louis, he begins to reminisce about them when they were kids, apologizing for not being a good friend. He apologizes for killing Brody, for giving away the twins, for betraying everyone. He knows that Louis likes Clementine, but she’s not worth it. She’ll get him killed. Marlon begs Louis to leave with him, saying he’ll protect him, completely delusional about how near-death he really is. 

He says that it’ll just be the two of them, no Clementine, no school. Louis tries to talk him down, and it’s a jarring contrast to their previous seen together. It’s quiet, with only the growing groans and growls of walkers closing in on them and Marlon’s sobs echoing. 

Clementine and the others try to quietly sneak across while Louis keeps him distracted, but Marlon catches a glimpse of Clementine, causing him to break down. He shoots the gun off, brings the walkers to full attention. 

It plays out very similar to the Minerva route, but here Clementine [her leg fucked] and AJ are both across, but Louis and Mitch are left trying to escape. 

Marlon wrestles Louis to the ground, choking him until Louis finds the strength to claw at Marlon’s eyes, kicking him off and into the walkers. Louis, coughing and holding his bruising throat, watches in horror as Marlon is ripped apart and eaten alive by walkers. 

Mitch tries to help him up, and this is where he gets bit. 

They both make it across, and Louis is just…. a mess. His best friend [his brother] is dead, he can barely breathe, Clementine’s hurt, and now Mitch is bitten because of him. 

In the end, Louis still makes a marker and grave for Marlon, burying some of his belongings in place of a body and he says his final goodbye. 

This is just the basics. 

I really wish the game had an extra focus on Louis and Marlon and the conflict Clementine brought to their relationship for several reasons. This whole “AU” I’ve created, I guess, is just what I would’ve loved to see. 

More Louis, more Marlon, more tragic conflict. 

[thesupergamercorpus]

07/07/2019 - Dialogue with love

A dialogue between two versions of me: Self-content me (~18 years) and hopeless lover (~15 years). It is inspired by the current book I am reading, ‘Meditations’ by Marcus Aurelius where he writes a dialogue to himself from time to time.

Self-content me: An another great deal of pain I see, but this time it is also commonly shared among the others. That of love.

Hopeless lover: Yes, love. I don’t get it.

It’s not good enough.

It’s too weak to deal with the jobs.

Why would I hopelessly try to be ‘kind’ and ‘compassionate’. To try and show others that I love them when I never get what I want anyways? It seems to be much easier to just manipulate them and stroke their ego’s, although some of them, rather, seem to require a kind of fear so they will have the feeling to prove themselves to me.

Self-content me: To weak to deal with ‘the jobs’?

Hopeless lover: Yes, too weak to make me achieve what I want. Countless times have I met girls who I tried to show ‘kind love’. It didn’t work no single time. Instead, once I began using some neat manipulation techniques, they all hella started to love me.

But my techniques weren’t based out of thin air. No, they were based on myself: how easily I could be manipulated. So I began to, thanks to my almost perfect memory, recall my past memories and analyze what attracted me to these girls. What beautiful techniques they used to lure me and all the others.

It was so simple yet so complicated: If people started to talk about you or simply just called your name out loud without you being near their presence and in a positive manner, you would automatically attract, not just the one you want to attract, but almost everyone around them too.

You should have totally seen this girl, Hera, who became instantaneously attracted to me after all of the people around me began talking positively about me! She will become the perfect girl. My perfect girl.

Self-content me: Yes, you were easily manipulable. Yes, you learned the techniques relatively easily. But no, you are far from perfect, young one. All that you do, right now, are based on mere instincts. Short-term goals that will soon fade away and make place for new upcoming anger and frustrations. You are being erratic and foolish. Sure they make you feel good, but any animal can have good feeling emotions, it is the hallmark of being human, that of rationality. And currently, your rationale is based on feeble, animalistic emotions and feelings. You are just as much in control of yourself as any animal.

Yes, you should keep trying to learn how to positively influence others around you, but do not think you are close to perfection without having mastery over yourself. If you cannot be content even in failing to positively influence others, then the path is still a long way.

And yes, of course, this girl we call Hera, you see her as the perfection you want to become. The ultimate being that can enslave and command others the way she pleases. You see her as a reflection of who you want to become. And even if she is perfection, you are nonetheless being blinded by her. By being so fixated, you are making yourself close-minded. And by being close-minded, you are making yourself more ignorant in the long run than you otherwise would be.

It is time to free yourself of hopes and fears, for every hope has a fear and every fear has a hope, the principle of opposites by Carl Jung. Start to doubt yourself more. Your beliefs and ideals. As a byproduct, it will also make you more humble. You will, however, see in the future that she is far from perfect.

Hopeless lover: Far from perfect? But look at how easily she seduces all these guys! Look at how they try to do everything just to get her attention! Even if she’s not perfect, she at least must be more perfect than these guys right?!

Self-content me: These guys you talk about are feeble-minded. They don’t know how to resist urges and neither do you. They are, what people call, doormats. You will soon learn that the average human being is far from exceptional. It is a shame that you compare perfection with these guys. It is like comparing an ant with a god instead of a human with a god.

You are being delusional by focusing on your small world: your environment. And even if you encompass the whole world, you will soon learn that that too is small, for the way you think right now is 3-dimensional. Once you begin to learn how to think multidimensional, yourself will be more than enough to encompass the whole universe. There won’t be a comparison to ‘these guys’. It will feel way too close-minded for you.

You will soon read books about real great men. Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Diogenes, Socrates, Epictetus, etc. Soon you will compare Hera with these men of wisdom and realize how far from perfection she is and how far from perfection you are.

Tell me about her qualities, let us jot it down one by one what makes you attracted to her, and let us not compare her with these feeble-minded guys but, instead, to real godlike men.

Hopeless lover: Well, I am truly amazed by her ability to seduce all these guys for selfish purposes.

Self-content me: Yes, seduce these simpletons. Let us compare her with Hannibal Barca. This great general who crossed the Alps and losed hundreds of men in turn was capable of not only convincing his own people to fight alongside him against Rome, but also many barbarians. They all followed him until the end of the war between Carthage and Rome. They all followed him even if they saw a lot of brethren die and would prefer to die heroically too.

You think these simpletons would die for Hera? That she has seduced them enough for them to die for her? Not by a long shot!

Secondly, the difference between her and the great Hannibal Barca, is that the latter had mastery over himself. You think self-mastery is not important when it is the key ingredient to get closer to the gods themselves? To be self-content.

“It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing, and of godlike men to want little.” – Diogenes of Sinope

You will soon learn how self-mastery is one of the most powerful things you can show others and how others will respect you for it. Believe me, they will see it, unconsciously or consciously. Any other qualities to name?

Hopeless lover: Yes, I am truly in love with her ego. I love how she calls herself a goddess.

Self-content me: Why?

Hopeless lover: Because I see her as a reflection of myself.

Self-content me: I see how you see her as a prize to be won. A prize to make yourself more complete. You will learn, however, that abstaining from all these rewards is what truly will make you complete.

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

She’s not the prize to be won. No, yourself are. It is all within you, the art of abstaining from pleasures. Anything else that is important for us to note down?

Hopeless lover: I guess I really like how she feels like a second mother to me. How she listens to all my problems and wishes the best for me. She treats me different than others.

Self-content me: Of course because she’s in love with you. Everything right now, is what you soon will learn, a period of prosperity. There’s no scarcity. No need to compete for every little resource. There’s an abundance. Post-scarcity.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

You will soon enter the era of trying to discover who you are and why. You will soon get to know how one of your unique abilities is to, thanks to your intelligence, adapting to your environment and people are part of that environment. She treats you like no one else not only because she’s in love with you, but also because you know how to adapt to the other. How to make the other experience comfort, safety, abundance, and group mentality rather than competition.

Yes, she treats you like no one else, but the problem is, you don’t treat yourself like no one else. You don’t value yourself enough despite your big ego, so the way she treats you will feel heavenly, but once you get to know everything I know right now, all those treats won’t feel that special.

And lastly, you will learn how the first impressions during times of prosperity are of no value compared to times of adversity.

“There is no great credit in behaving bravely in times of prosperity, when life glides easily with a favoring current, neither does a calm sea and fair wind display the art of the pilot. Some foul weather is wanted to prove his courage.” – Seneca the Younger

You won’t learn this the easy way however. You will learn this the hard way.

Hopeless lover: I also seem to love the challenge. Everything around me has become a playground especially with her on my side.

Self-content me: Who doesn’t love a challenge? The problem, however, is that yours is not aimed at Nature. It even goes contrary to Nature since you are creating a scarcity.

“For those who follow nature everything is easy and straightforward, whereas for those who fight against her life is just like rowing against the stream.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

So yes, aim for challenges but do not fight against Nature. Again, you will learn this the hard way. And the most disgusting idea of yours seems to be a wish for eternity. An eternity with her into the future. That too is contrary to Nature.

“This too shall pass.”

While you are enjoying the pleasures, you are not preparing for times of adversity.

“It is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself to deal with difficult times; while fortune is bestowing favors on it then is the time for it to be strengthened against her rebuffs.” – Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

We shall meet again when you have learned the things the hard way I am afraid.

[fictionerd]

Good to see you, friends!

Oh boy... This is LATE getting out, huh? Oh well I’m covering so few series at this point things are bound to get a little sloppy. My apologies for that. Still that’s enough dwelling on my problems let’s talk about the show.

Synopsis: So Nurse Magical girl transferred to Asuka’s school as we saw at the end of the last episode. Now you may think that this was done by SDF guy who is acting as Asuka’s guardian. Maybe he thought having her old comrade-in-arms around would convince her to join up with the new spec-ops group. However, you would be incorrect. See, Kurumi actually twisted SDF guy’s arm into getting her transferred there by threatening to quit her post. (Yeah, real solid morals you have there.) She again lays on a nice big slathering of guilt for Asuka. Telling her the enemy obviously thinks she’s still a part of this and that it’s best for them to be together as often as possible.

[takes a deep breath and exhales]

Then she goes so far as to say it’d be good if they could live together too, but that gets interrupted by the arrival of Sporty and Bookish. This is when we start to get the very clear picture that Stalker Nurse is completely infatuated with Asuka and is a jealous bitch on top of it all. She starts strutting around like some sort of territorial animal trying to simultaneously reaffirm her relationship with Asuka and let the other two know that she’s the Alpha-Bitch in this scenario.

Believe it or not this is not helped knowing how she was recruited to become a magical girl, and it’s also not helped by the flashback we see this episode that reveals Stalker Nurse was bullied in her younger days. Apparently getting drafted into the magical war effort was the best thing to ever happen to her. 

I’m sort of skimming over points so let’s back up a bit. Stalker Nurse officially joins the group as I said before and the four of them start hanging out. Stalker Nurse gets petty and jealous and is kind of obvious about it, but I guess Sporty and Bookish are too kind to mention it. In the lunchroom one day a sound like a suppressed gunshot is made. I couldn’t really tell how the people were making the sound, but it triggers Bookish to have another panic attack. Sporty, having seen Asuka help bring Bookish down once walks her through it herself this time. 

They discuss how intense things have been lately, and Sporty spouts off that if things get really bad then the Magical Girls would appear to save them. This visibly irritates Stalker Nurse who seems about to say something dumb when Asuka interjects by quietly putting her hand on Kurumi’s under the table.

I like this. It sort of harkens back to how she’s been handling questions about Magical Girls. It’s a move informed by her character and the secrecy she has to uphold. Quietly telling her friend to just smile and nod because in an ideal circumstance: YES they WOULD show up.

Picking up on the awkward vibes Sporty is quick to try and think of a way they can all get back to some normalcy and invites them all swimming. Asuka and Stalker Nurse agree (Largely because Stalker Nurse starts fantasizing about Asuka in a bikini) and they all end up meeting up for this. We get to see a bit of them hanging out at the pool, swimming, and Bookish climbs up to the tallest diving platform and jumps off as a way to symbolically face down the fear she’s been dealing with. I’m hoping that this doesn’t magically make said fears go away. It works to show she’s moving forward and to feed into Asuka’s character. She really is a lot like Bookish. She’s letting her fear and weariness keep her from truly moving forward. Whether to officially put her foot down about not being a magical girl, or to step into the fight where people need her.

After the swimming trip the four decide they should hang out like that more often and Sporty suggests they all catch a movie together and of course picks what appears to be this universe’s equivalent of a SyFy original: Samurai Cheerleader vs Megaton Shark. She buys them all tickets and the four part ways presumably because the tickets are for another day (Do movie theatres work that way in Japan?)

Now, I’d like to introduce a secondary section: WORLD SYNOPSIS. This is specifically for this show (And any future ones I cover) Where I feel world events need to be addressed separate from the main cast’s progression. So without further ado.

World Synopsis: In world events for MSSO this week we get to see a bit more detail of what the one magical girl in Mexico has been up to as she raids a drug cartel’s den. There she and her team find a barely-alive guy reciting numbers over and over who makes mention of something called “Babel” and “A more terrible war.”

SDF Pops introduces Asuka to the magical combat specialists in training from his group which, naturally ticks her off since she doesn’t want to get involved in the law enforcement stuff (At least not without having her arm twisted into it by necessity). He conveys to her that the world has been forever changed by interacting with other realms. There are criminals from the Magical realm trading magical items to people in exchange for valuable materials. Thus giving us an explanation as to where Babel is getting their toys. Finally he drops the bombshell of illegal Magical Girls. Asuka, of course, is still hesitant to join the fray.

Cut to the foreign affairs department of the Japanese police. Sporty’s dad has apparently been personally torturing mophead from episode one until he spills a few choice tidbits.

“Magical Girl..” “Prey..” “Remake the world” “New Organization” “Library of Babel” “Babel Brigade”

And the repeat of that phrase from the guy in the beginning.

“A more terrible war.”

Sporty’s dad speaks to some one who I assume is his partner in the investigation or a subordinate or something. He says that regardless of how big this is they’re police officers. It’s their job to uncover the truth and do everything in their power so normal people can live peacefully.

The final World Synopsis event of the episode which kind of coincides with the Character synopsis is Sporty, on her way home from hanging out with the Protagonist Posse, gets abducted by shady looking dudes working for Babel. Obviously they know who’s been interrogating their man Kim, and have decided to get to the officer through his daughter.

The episode closes with Asuka receiving a text (Presumably earlier) from Sporty saying she’s looking forward to seeing the movie. CLIFFHANGER!

Thoughts: I think this series is okay. Just okay so far. It still feels a bit rocky in places, but so long as you aren’t coming to this expecting the usual sugar and sweetness of a magical girl series you should be fine. I feel like the focus of the story is a bit scattered, but that could be helped as the world plot and character plots become more wound together in future episodes.There is, however, one thing that bugged me in this episode. To explain I need to introduce you to some one.

This is Kuroko Shirai. She is my favorite character in A Certain Scientific Railgun (And to a lesser extent in Index since so far she’s hardly shown up there). She is a blatant lesbian in love with the main character. I often refer to her as “The Teleporting Lesbian Stalker” because she really is one. She is viciously jealous of time Misaka spends with other people. Is suspicious of any guy Misaka meets or shows even passing affection for. Pulled strings to get herself assigned as Misaka’s roommate. Basically worships the ground Misaka walks on, and a running gag with her is her throwing herself at Misaka.

Now you may be wondering to yourself “Aren’t these qualities strikingly similar to Stalker Nurse Kurumi?”

Very astute you are correct, and yet I do NOT like Kurumi in the slightest. Why do I find Kurumi’s actions detestable when I see them as charming from Kuroko? I think the reason is that in the case of Kuroko and Misaka there’s a level of obvious friendship and trust between them. Between Kuroko’s delusional fantasies and inappropriate behavior we see that their relationship is one of friends. One might even say confidants. It also helps that Misaka is able to easily bugzap Kuroko if she gets too hug-happy. Underneath the over-the-top antics there’s a healthy relationship burried away.

So far there’s no indication of that with Kurumi and Asuka’s relationship and that’s a problem. I pointed out last week how Kurumi seems to be positioned as some one meant to manipulate Asuka into working as a magical girl again. Now it seems that she personally needs Asuka to rejoin the fight in order for her to function. She’s desperate to... well I’ll just out and say it. She wants to get in Asuka’s pants. She has this ideal of Asuka built up in her head it seems, and I can’t exactly blame her. 

The problem is that Kurumi makes a big deal about her being “Asuka’s Best Friend”, but she doesn’t seem to be able to read Asuka at all. She’s not picked up at all on why Asuka doesn’t want to fight anymore. She doesn’t even have a mistaken impression as to why. She just thinks it’s wrong for Asuka to be trying to sideline herself, and while that opinion isn’t precisely incorrect she’s not exactly coming across as some one concerned about a close friend. 

Now I’ll grant: If all this is intentional. If Kurumi’s arc is to realize that she’s been selfish. To learn to love who she is without her powers, and to see Asuka’s flaws instead of this ideal she’s built up. This will all have been worth it. I could enjoy that sort of story for Kurumi’s character. She’s supposed to be the support unit, and she needs to learn better how to support others.

My fear, as it has been for the first two episodes, is that I’m seeing potential which will ultimately not be fulfilled.

Until next post keep talking fiction, friends. I’ll see you soon.

[a--musings]

The anniversary of lessons.

June 13, 2019. Today is a very special day, and I denote “special” in the most peculiar and unexpected of ways. I have finally reached a meaningful date in which I can more objectively view such growth—an actual starting point from which I can tangibly count the days of my rapid change. A year ago, I very erroneously believed that I was a finished product. At 26? How funny. How quaint. I was not a finished product, nor am I now, nor will I ever be. This vision of myself as a happy old lady, staring at the sunrise over green pastures in permanent clarity and peace, reaching the high point of enlightenment was always just an unattainable ideal that no living being would ever reach. 

Last fall, a friend of mine told me about one of the greatest books he’s ever read in which a Roman philosopher (was it a Roman philosopher? maybe?) wrote about a list of people in his life who had impacted him in some way, detailing what he learned from each of them. He wrote about his mother, his friends, his colleagues—anyone who at some point and in some way impacted him. From each, he was able to derive some profound message and life lesson that allowed him to develop his perspective and form his identity. What a beautiful thing it is to sit back and fully realize what it is that each person in your life has given you, and fully acknowledge the impact that every single person can make on your life and your being and your transient existence. When you turn experiences into something you can learn from, you gain closure and you can finally move on. Above that, you gain opportunities for insight into growth, and an opportunity you might have missed, without the pain and the chance of reflection. I thought it was wonderful and useful and fascinating the way that Roman philosopher (maybe?) was able to look back and speak on what each individual soul had gifted him throughout his walk of life. So I thought, what painful and beautiful and heartbreaking and funny and carefree and impactful lessons could I write about? What has the human condition taught me about my own existence?

This is the story about the culmination of lessons that I accepted one year ago today. This is the story about T. 

What did I learn from you, T? You were so important in so many ways that it’s so very hard to create a simple list. It would never do you and all your complexities justice. So many lessons from that earth-shattering heartbreak that I know can be written so beautifully. But it’s all just so complicated to fit into one piece of writing. You were the shockingly abhorrent eye-opener that I needed to wake me from my illusions and my strictly narrow-minded perspective on life. You were the most horrific pain that I desperately needed to feel, to shake me from the trance that held me back from accepting and truly knowing myself. I was naive, foolish, and so assuming that I had finally reached the end of the throes of life. That the hells I went through prior to meeting you was the payment I needed to make for having you. That in order to reach the eternal bliss—the heaven that I thought I found in you—I had to earn you through passing tests from the universe. You were my reward for going through so much strife and struggle. You were my prize that I won for making it through, and everything was going to be okay after having you. You were what I suffered for. I cringe now, but a year ago, this was my truth.

For months, I believed this. You were too good to be true. You were everything I ever wanted. You knew about philosophy, and loved it as much as I did. We coincidentally had been reading The Alchemist at the same time that summer. Transcendentalism was also your favorite. How many Emerson quotes did we recite back and forth to each other? We both had an affinity for Eastern values being integrated into Western. You introduced me to Alan Watts. I introduced you to poetry. We read Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet every night together, before falling asleep. We took walks together, cried in the library together, marveled at the random butterflies together (the omens, remember?). We read books at the beach together, without saying a word. You taught me how to ballroom dance on rooftops, and learned my favorite songs on the piano to play for me when it was 1 AM and I was too discouraged to keep studying. You taught me about mental toughness. I taught you about compassion and perspective. I wrote you love letters almost every single day. You inspired me to create beautiful things again, when I had been stuck in the darkness and shadows for so long. We were soulmates. You made my world beautiful.

But for some reason, the more you said you loved me, the more I questioned myself. The less I could see my worth. Did you love me? I never believed you. I couldn’t accept it. It was a feeling impossible to describe, but it just never felt quite right. It was all off, all wrong—like forcing puzzle pieces to fit together, even though they didn’t quite perfectly align. I became restless. It was a gut feeling that nagged me to my core. It was an instinct kept warning me through my daily anxious thoughts and tendencies. I never felt like I could rest, like I could never be at peace. It consumed me and I let it, because if I didn’t, I would lose you. My life and daily behavior centered around trying to make it feel okay, trying not to lose you. I spoiled the shit out of you. I gave you more of myself than you ever deserved. All to appease the uncomfortable, gnawing anxiety that I had to do everything in my power to keep you. And in doing so, I utterly lost myself. I neglected my true self, my own bearings. I stumble upon the rough drafts of those love letters I wrote for you, and I see now that my language reflected an obsessive need, a way to fill a void. I cringe. I feel disgusted. 

“I love you,” you would tell me, much too often. 

“No, you don’t,” was my immediate, reflexive response. With no thought and no hesitation, “no” was always my instinctual rebuttal. I never asked myself why. Why did I always deny it? 

“You don’t love me, and you don’t really want this,” I would say. “You’re not ready for a relationship. You’re too young. It doesn’t feel right.” But I watched as you fought me and grew tired and frustrated with my rejection of the love you offered. You said I didn’t believe you because I didn’t recognize my own worth. That I could never accept that you loved me because I didn’t love myself. I said I’m sorry, over and over again. I would get angry and call it subconscious self-sabotage, fully believing that I would be our demise. What is wrong with me? I would sob into your chest. Why do I have to ruin everything? You blamed it on me and my insecurities. I accepted the blame. You were right: I was paranoid. I was just insecure. I was letting you tell me what was wrong, totally and completely disregarding my intuition. I hated my unbearable skepticism, and my illogical cynicism. I’m incapable of accepting and trusting beautiful realties--that’s why I feel like this. I ruin everything. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Very soon I would learn that I was very wrong.

Despite my attempts of forcing puzzle pieces to fit, I still felt the inescapable gnawing “off” feelings. I still saw the subliminal signs and hidden messages--the warning signs to walk away. And slowly, the facade started to unravel to objective evidence supporting my suspicions. The way you tilted your phone around me. The way you treated our classmates that meant nothing to you. You weren’t friendly to my friends. You didn’t care to impress my sister. The way you played so innocent and naive when a girl would send you naked pictures. The disgusting stories you told me about how you mistreated women in the past, and the lies you told to get what you wanted out of them. You told me about all the fuckboi bullshit you actually put women through, and made fun of them for their “stupidity” and falling for your manipulative tricks. I laughed along so uncomfortably, but I was horrified with the realization of what kind of selfish, devious monster you were capable of being, and of all the lies you were capable of telling, and your disrespectful, dehumanizing outlook on others you felt were beneath you. Truthfully, I had never met a person so deceptive and vile as the person you were in those stories. But I was the one who changed you, you urged. I was different. You were different now, all because of me. Yet, I began catching you in weird, meaningless lies, one after the next. From the random time you told me you didn’t buy something off of Amazon, though I knew you had (what was the point of that stupid lie?) to the more detrimental dishonesties, like kissing your best friend or meeting up with your ex behind my back. You had an honesty problem your entire life, you admitted to me towards the end of it all. You were a pathological liar. That should have been enough. But it wasn’t. I was still okay with the illusion and I was accepting of remaining in my fantasy world. I forced myself to be. I was hiding the truth from myself, dodging mirrors that would force me to face the facts, avoiding all the inklings and urgings of which my subconscious was desperately trying to make me aware. I chose to see the world through rose colored glasses, as opposed to accepting it all for what it really was. I was smiling through the pain, delusional in my conviction that you were made for me. Nobody in this world would get me like you did. I wasn’t me without you. I couldn’t live without you. I never wanted to be in a world that you didn’t exist ever again. 

And then so abruptly, last June, you left. “I’m not ready for this,” you explained over the phone.It didn’t make sense. I had told you that it didn’t feel right the whole time--that you never felt quite mature enough. You weren’t ready, I would always argue. I was paranoid, you would invalidate. Oh, T. I was right all along. I was angry with myself for not stubbornly sticking to the truth. “I told you that you weren’t ready and you lied to me,” I sobbed. “I know,” was your only reply. It didn’t matter, though; it was inevitable. I didn’t trust my gut feeling; I should have expected this. I mourned your departure and stopped eating for weeks.  And despite it all, I still spent the whole summer trying to transform myself in ways to win you back. So pathetic. My undying loyalty has always been a gift and a curse.

We reconnected in early August, forced to return to school to face each other. And for a moment, I regrettably believed the story wasn’t over. I spent time with you back then. I talked to you. I laughed with you. It started feeling normal again. I still love you, I would slur in your ear when I was drunk. I’m sorry for everything I did to ruin it. I’m sorry. I met other great guys that August, but I couldn’t fully shut the door on you. I didn’t understand why weren’t together anymore. Everything made sense when it was the two of us. I demanded the answer from you: don’t you remember how happy we were?

“You never would have loved the real me,” you vaguely said to me one day. “I wasn’t myself that whole time.”

“What does that even mean? Are you a serial killer?” I joked, though secretly alarmed.

“We’re not as compatible as you think we are. That just was never me,” he continued. “I can’t be with one girl forever. I have to end up with someone who will let me have sex with whoever I want while she stays loyal to me.”

“What? Like an open relationship?” I was repulsed, but I tried to feign nonchalance so you would continue to open up.

“Ew, no,” he said, disgusted. “I can’t be with a girl who’s fucked a bunch of dicks in her 20s. She has to stay loyal to me. I need to be able to do whatever I want, but she can’t. I just love pussy too much.”

I shuddered, horrified, and overcome by feelings of terror.  Ew, what the fuck? Never did I ever expect this selfish, misogynistic garbage from you, T. I felt like I was trapped in a dark room alone with a complete stranger. I was afraid. Who were you really this entire time? Did you actually like The Prophet? Did you just google Thoreau quotes before seeing me so you could sound like you knew who you were talking about? How much of the T that I knew was real? 

I froze, still stunned with the realization that you truly were the professional liar that you warned me about. I had to pause to catch me breath while we sat there in silence. As I began processing it all, I had one tiny moment of “well....maybe I can do this. Maybe I can allow him to do whatever he wants. As long as he comes home to me afterward. Physical intimacy doesn’t compare to the connection we have...” And as soon as I heard my inner voice contemplate such a dynamic, I instantly detested myself. I finally began to put myself first. What is wrong with you, A?! My inner monologue finally shifted. Get your shit together and gain some self-respect, you idiot. You’re above this. And I swear, in that moment, I could hear the door finally slamming shut on you, on us. We never had another conversation about us ever again, unsurprisingly. After all, we never really did exist in the first place.

I learned so much from you, T. I learned that I’m smart enough and strong enough to figure out what I deserve and to demand it. I know much more than I believe I do, and I know that I have never given myself enough credit—that I too quickly look outside of myself for the answers. That I am inherently valuable and capable on my own, I have had all the answers all along, inside of me. I learned that I have gift of intuition, and that if I feel a certain way—if something seems wrong or off—there is probably a very good reason. I always knew I was settling, deep down inside.

Our end was never my fault for my insufferable skepticism and pessimism. I learned that I had a very dangerous and toxic tendency to blame myself for all the wrong, and that my ready acceptance of all the guilt could be used to take advantage of me one day. I let you blame me for so long. I learned how to finally respect myself. 

I learned what love is. I learned what love is not. I learned how it felt to be loved conditionally, to know the harsh, painful reality of what it was like to be loved only to a certain extent—only if I would give you what you selfishly desired. That was not love. That was ownership. That was inauthenticity. I don’t need someone who reads The Alchemist or puts up with my 2AM musings on poetry or teaches me about Alan Watts. I want to be with someone who simply appreciates all these parts of me, and allows me to feel whole on my own. I learned how to identify my inherent values, and how to walk away from people and things that do not align with them. I thought I needed you to be at peace with myself, but here I am proving myself wrong. There is no one in the entire world that you can’t live without. And I know exactly what I do not want for myself anymore. I am unwilling to compromise. 

Maya Angelou said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I bore the consequences of choosing someone over my own intuition—of trusting someone who proved to me to be untrustworthy countless timeless over trusting myself. I’m intelligent enough to see the truth early on--I learned that I am gifted in sensing the inauthentic and dishonest motives, and seeing through the disingenuous bullshit. 

There was a part of me that knew I clung onto the concept of you, T. I forced myself to believe you were the T I so desperately wanted you to be, and you loved me enough for those 8 months to play the part. But in the end, you were just another bandage to cover my wounds—to hide the broken parts from myself. There were so many things wrong with me, so much work on myself to be done, but I was always finding distractions to deter me from the pain of growth and moving on. I wasn’t ready to love anyone. I needed to “love” this concept of you as a diversion—a way to avoid loving myself. When you left, I was stripped of everything. I was naked and alone. But I realized I needed to be to establish who I was on my own, outside of anyone telling me who I was. I never would have learned all these things about myself if it weren’t for you, T, so I thank you and your (quite frankly) fucked up mentality for granting me wisdom and insight into myself and humanity. I look back in hindsight and with clarity that T never even existed in the first place. Your sole purpose in my life was the lessons that you brought, and now they are complete.

It took me 76 days to tell you that I loved you. It took me 171 days to realize that I probably never did. I’m sorry. I will never apologize for that.

—a.

[lonelylady22-blog]

Wondering

If I were to do it right now, would anyone regret how they’ve treated me recently? Would my family wish they could change their responses to whenever I open up? I close myself off to them, I show them 5% of who I really am, because any more than that and they get angry/defensive/say things they may not mean. I’m not blaming them for that, perhaps I’m intolerable, something they put up with for the sake of family. I can’t tell them about the struggles I have inside my mind - anytime I have in the past it’s just made things worse. So, would they be able to look back retrospectively, and realize how they should treat people in those dark moments? Or would they come to that moment with anger, for how could I be so selfish? 

Would my high school best friend wish she put in more effort with me? Of course, I know she’s battling a lot within herself right now, so I don’t say that with the intention of blame. But it feels like every interaction between us is me forcing it on her, except when we’re intoxicated in some way. I just feel like I’ve lost that part of me, and I don’t know how to fix that.

What about my boyfriend? Would he realize that in those moments he should have recognized just how not okay I really was? Because he knows, to some degree, how bad my mental state can get. I’ve told him multiple times how dark it is lately, and yet he still acts in ways that leave me to feel so alone. I feel like I’m so broken beyond repair, and he’s finally starting to see that, and is struggling to care about me like he used to. Because we’re never okay anymore. I’m always in a bad mental state, always depressed/anxious/paranoid/hallucinating and I try my fucking hardest to hide it, but I’m not good enough at that. He always knows, and still doesn’t really care? I think that’s my issue with us - he say’s that he cares, he puts an emphasis on open communication but then when I do tell him how dangerous my mind is lately, nothing really changes. He doesn’t act much differently, he doesn’t go out of his way to help. Maybe he thinks he does - it’s not like he doesn’t ask me how he can help, but what am I suppose to say? “You should show me more affection, act like you did before we became official, like when we use to spend hours connecting and just being together. You should realize that when I’m bad, I need you to be overbearingly loving, take me out of that moment, do something for me. You should plan a nice romantic adventure or date, or even a sentimental gift that you know would help me feel better, like we’ve spoken about - but you never have. Not while we’ve been official. And it doesn’t need to cost any money - a letter, or poem, or a nice surprise picnic barely costs anything. But you don’t do that. Am I not worth that to you? Have you already given up on me? Do I not matter anymore? How come there are so many more important things to you than me, yet you refuse to acknowledge it? All I need when I’m sick is for you to be close and loving, because that’s when I’m now vulnerable mentally and physically and that’s a bit too much. But you want to stay as far away as possible, because you don’t want to catch anything - that didn’t matter 3 months ago, did it? You invite a friend over and spend all night with him, while I’m in your bed, alone and numb, and you don’t notice? Maybe this is all my fault - maybe I should have listened when we both said we weren’t ready for a relationship yet, because you sure treat me like that a lot of the time. I know your mental health is really rocky at the moment too, and I completely understand that - but how come I can still give you everything you need when I’m like this, but you can’t give that back to me? All of this inconsistency fuels my already present self loathing, the picture in my head that no one could ever love me/find me attractive/want me, because I am the ugliest, most unappealing person available. But my personality is okay, I can be funny sometimes and I give everything I can to other people to help them, so that’s the only reason people end up liking me. This is why I think you don’t want me. Why I think you are going to leave me for the next hotter girl that comes around. This is why I’m so insecure about the people you’ve been with in the past, especially the ones while we were fucking. Because why her and not me? For so long not me. It’s never me. What’s so wrong with me, that I can’t even get my boyfriend to choose me first?” - I can’t say that to him. That’s hurtful and rude, and I know it will just cause a fight, because he will just take it as an attack. Me saying that would be the start of the end of our relationship, and I’m not ready to deal with that. So instead I just tell him it’s not him, and it’s just my head being “bad” and I leave it at that for the most part. But I wonder if he would realize how destructive he can be? He’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, but as a partner? I don’t think he knows how to play that role yet. Or maybe I’m just not worth rising to that occasion. Would he blame me for doing it? Would he get angry because I didn’t tell him my plan this time? Because I didn’t give him the chance to stop me? Would it help him learn how to treat the people he tells are important? I want to know what he would change, if after I do it he could go back. 

How about my ex? Though my hatred for him has never been higher, he was a quarter of my life, so I guess he would be affected a lot. Would he regret the lies, manipulation, cheating, enabling and anger even more so? Would he finally do the needed work on himself and change? Or would he use my death as an excuse to become worse? 

This all intrigues me a lot, because in these moments I feel my absolute worst. I feel so fucking low, so much pain about every moment of the day - and yet the people closest to me in life have no idea. What really hurts me is, even if/when they do know, they don’t really care. Because they have their own shit to deal with - it’s the human in them. If I were to be 100% honest, I’d be labelled “dramatic” and told that I need to fix myself. Which is true, I’m trying to fix myself, I truly am - but nothing is working and nothing has worked for almost 10 years. I just feel like I’m all out of options, and I really can’t think of anything else. I know I won’t do it - let me rephrase that. I know I don’t have the balls to do it most of the time - I’m not delusional, I know how much it would effect a lot of people - especially my parents. So, when I’m in a normal head space, I’m too much of a pussy to do it. But fuck, I’ve come close when I’m distanced from reality. 

[understandingthevoices]

I appreciate the well thought out response! Lets do a quick survey- In regards to the narcs you have personally dealt with, what careers are they in? On to a heavier question- what type of person would be a good partner for the narc- not someone for the supply and fuel, but truly who would be compatible with the narc and help him/her get out of their narc behaviors? So not someone that would continue the supply but someone that can actually help and be in a fulfilling relationship with the narc?

no problem ! hmm so i haven’t dealt with many - at least not in a close enough proximity that would allow me to definitively diagnose them (usually there is something so off about them that i keep away; my close friends have always been nothing but highly empathetic and supportive) - but i do have my suspicions about a few people i know and have come in contact with, including the ex and the friend. the ex and one of my acquaintances i highly suspect is a narc are in med school (allow me to voice my disgust here… they really have no place treating patients…i wish med schools screened for lack of empathy and compassion tbh) and then the friend works in an investment firm in wall street – which imo is a much more suitable career for the narc types. i can’t see him even batting an eye at the immoral actions they probs have him do day after day; i genuinely don’t think he would have any trouble financially screwing some poor person over as long as it meant he was getting rewarded for it

but it’s actually a very interesting (albeit sad) reality that the traits that one associates with narcissism - a lack of empathy/compassion, an emphasis on self-aggrandizement, on showboating, on self-fulfillment, on selfishness - are very much the traits that allow individuals to prosper and get ahead in the professional/career world. the empaths, that are too concerned with other people’s feelings and how they might be affected - often fall far far behind as a result of their inherent nature to think about others… and this is true for all careers, including some you wouldn’t think about - like medicine, unfortunately

so now your next question – which hits pretty close to home, as you can imagine. since my ex was a narc i thought about this question often, especially when the breakup was more recent, and wondered if he was gonna treat his next supply different, if maybe she’d have some insider narc knowledge that i didn’t… but tbh from the outside i know its just the same old fake love that i’m so familiar with… gagi don’t think there really is a partner that would be good for the narc, and who the narc won’t just treat as supply/fuel. i know it may seem i’m biased here, but i’m trying my very best to be as rational as possible the thing is, the narc screens out people who he knows he can’t manipulate - people that have such a strong sense of self, are hella outspoken, won’t ever give him the benefit of the doubt, those that have heard about his antics from other people - so those people are not even in the running when the narc decides to get into a relationship. so the only people really left are the empaths, which of course act as the supply/fuel for the narc… and once they recognize the narcissistic abuse (this usually comes later - but once they recognize their needs aren’t being met and their emotions are being ignored), and subsequently become outspoken, stand up for themselves, demonstrate that they won’t be walked all over, etc, the narc initially tries to gaslight, then tries to manipulate the situation in his favor, but then finally realizes the situation is hopeless and leaves, only to be tied up with another empath supply a few weeks later…so for that reason, i can’t think of any kind of personality that would be a good partner for the narc, that would “help him get out of their narc behaviors” and even the notion of that very quote is dangerous —-thinking you can help a narc out of his behaviors is how the narc continues to keep his victim trapped; since his victims are empaths, they want to help him - it’s what they’ve done their whole life and been rewarded for - and so they think to themselves, oh maybe if i show him enough love, he’ll take off the mask and be actually loving with me… nOPE not how it worksinstead, the narc will continue to manipulate, by promising the empath he is gonna get better and is trying and only needs a bit more time and support, but now that the empath is helping them he’s SO CLOSE TO FINDING HIS TRUE SELF - but in reality he’s just continuing to string along the empath, knowing full well he has no desire or impulse to be better, work on himself, or take the necessary measures to become emotionally mature and healthy by going to therapy, etc

the bottom line is the narc doesn’t have the ability to emotionally connect to another human being, the idea of love as an emotion is so foreign to them… so they don’t care about others apart from what they do for him - and so because they only care what others do for them, they can easily replace themwhen they say “i love you” they really mean “i love to use you”soo when you’re with one, you’re just as replaceable as the cellphone they use everydayand of course, if your cellphone malfunctions, you just get a new onesame thing here if you leave or if you decide to not follow the script anymore, they’ll feel sad they lost a familiar supply but they won’t do anything about it - they won’t take responsibility for the relationship’s end or try to fix what was wrong…(even if you tell them exactly what it was and what they have to do to fix it) instead, they’ll just find a new supply who is more gullible, malleable, and subservient to their needs (what you were in the beginning) to take your place no harm no foul in their mindsand because they have no empathy they dont care about what you’re going thru as a result of their actions –

even when you google it, they say the only real therapy for narcissism is “talk therapy” - and if you’ve ever dealt with a narc, you know how that goes - THEY ARE MASTERS at social situations, especially ones that require them to talk/convince/persuade, and can manipulate any situation to their benefit, and i can definitely see them doing the same in therapy…so even if a narc dated a psychiatrist or a mental health aide, there just is no real way i can see that being/becoming healthy and fulfilling for the empath (the narc tho of course is fulfilled)the truth is despite the illusions of self-confidence and self-aggrandizement the narc is deeply insecure about who he is - and that’s why he puts on the social masks and has such a huge thirst for fuel/supply (which is really just validation) – it doesn’t even matter who that supply isand anyone that can see thru the mask and see the little insecure boy that has wanted for love and affirmation his whole life has gotta go he doesn’t care to fix the roots of insecurity… why would he? that would require him facing the truth & he’s as happy as a clam in his delusional world

in some of my other informal research, psychiatrists actually said to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist - don’t try to help them… just get out, you’ll just be wasting your precious time trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. and if you don’t have that freedom - if there’s social or financial restrictions, for example -  you have to learn to manage your expectations. never expect the narc to be that loving, dutiful bf/husband/partner that you envisioned him being in the beginning - all of it was fake in an effort to lure you in and blind you to the real them – the person who he really is is the one you’re living with now - the selfish, controlling, mean one – and you have to learn to live with that. manage your expectations, and look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere, like in hobbies or friends, etc ngl i often felt like i was in a “loveless marriage” when i was with the narc… and i really did think i’m way too young to feel like this …where is my hollywood romance????? - but since i had nothing to compare it to and i was convinced he was the LOML who i was meant to be with i didn’t think it was as toxic as it ended up being

if i were to dig rly deep though, the only way to get a narc to cooperate and to think about your needs would be to present yourself as such a high-quality supply (supporting his selfcentered worldview, grandiose beliefs about himself, contributing to it even) and thereby foster dependence on you by the narc – thereby forcing the narc to meet your needs if he wants to continue getting his supply – something i tried doing but it was exhausting because he was only doing the VERY bare minimum and made me feel like a huge burden in his life as a resultplus i don’t think you should have to beg/manipulate someone into loving youit def worked for a while but it was just another twisted game in the end and not truly the “healthy and fulfilling relationship” i think you’re asking aboutit’s never gonna be fulfilling- just fuel-filling LOL (i had to do it lmaooo)

and that’s the realitynow if you have an avoidant attachment style and don’t require emotional fulfillment, then that’s a narc’s wet dream – they will never have to get better, and they’ll have the supply and fuel they need - but is that healthy and fulfilling for either person???? nah at that point they’re just enabling each other lmao