#but he’s extremely active and eats and has clear eyes and a strong shell and every other sign of good health

[outer-edges]

nothing quite like stress googling things about your russian tortoise to at 1:30AM the night before a big exam at 9:00AM

[helion-ism]

I wanted to write about something that is very important to me: the way people perceive nesta and elain in this fandom (I know that a lot of people have valid reasons to criticise them and I’m not doing this to say they are perfect because how boring would that be.) and an important part of that is nesta‘s trauma vs elain‘s trauma

I think it’s self-explanatory when I say that obviously everybody deals with trauma differently, in fiction and in real life, but I got intrigued by how different elain and nesta seem to be dealing with that, so I looked it up and found something very interesting so this is kinda a long post

nesta

there is something called emotional dysregulation, where trauma survivors have difficulty regulation emotions like anger, anxiety, sadness and shame (even more so when the trauma occured at a young age). one of the methods these trauma survivors use to attempt to regain emotional control is “self-medication” or rather substance abuse, even though it is more likely to further emotional dysregulation. others are disordered eating, compulsive behaviour (like overworking), denial of emotions, and so on. (though there are more positive behaviours to regain emotional control such as physical activity) 

traumatic stress leads to two extremes: you either feel too much or too little. I think with nesta it is pretty much clear that nesta has always been the kind of person who feels too much, it’s why feyre painted those flames on her drawer, because she was always burning. what did feyre say about her in acomaf?

“I think Nesta feels everything— sees too much; sees and feels it all. And she burns with it. Keeping that wall up helps from being overwhelmed, from caring too greatly.”

a big part of nesta’s personality is who she was as a teenager and young woman, before she got made. she blamed her father for what happened to their family, she was furious with him and wanted to make him suffer. she got consumed by it, which is why in the end it was feyre who had to provide for the family. (I’m gonna be real honest here, how were so many of you guys reading the books and blaming nesta and elain for making feyre go out and hunt when her father was literally right there lol. like ... why blame the parent when the sisters are right there, huh?) being thrown into poverty, when she lived a comfortable life and was always made to believe she’d marry a prince or lord some day, it must not have been easy for her as she was the oldest but still a child. you guys, she was a kid. how can that not leave a lasting impression on her? and how can anyone blame her for that?

what do we see in acofas after the war ended? nesta fucks strangers and drinks a lot, maybe too much, doesn’t eat enough, to cope with what happened to her. so why does she do it? do distract herself from her memories, from her nightmares, from every sound that reminds her of what happened when she was thrown into the cauldron and what happened during the war. she spins out of control with her body to stop feeling too much and start numbing the pain (which I assume is why she drinks so much, it’s a great way of making you forget your problems and sleeping with strangers is a way of numbing any emotions too). 

in acosf, we see her choose a family, we see her find gwyn and emerie and we see her accept cassian as a friend (and more), but we also see her start training with him, we see her challenge herself to go down those stairs and eventually, she does not only get physically stronger, gains weight, but she also becomes more confident internally. I feel like a big part of nesta was always to come off as cold and unapproachable, but this is not at all how we see her with gwyn and emerie, and cassian notices too:

With Gwyn … he wondered whether Nesta liked the girl because with her, she was simply Nesta. Perhaps she felt that way around Emerie, too.

obviously, I feel like this is not something that one can overcome within just one book and there’s more for nesta to learn. do I think she’s completely healed? no, but when is one ever? she has started to heal and that’s good enough for me. but I’m just so annoyed when I see people call nesta abusive and other things when they’re not even trying to understand her. 

elain

in acosf nesta says elain just needed time to adjust to the world and person she’s become, but is that it? I don’t think so, not when it is so clear to me that she has not in fact adjusted to this new life.

initially, in acowar, elain is the complete opposite to nesta. which makes me believe she’s dealing with her trauma by numbing, a biological process where emotions are detached from thoughts and behaviours. elain is basically described to be this shell, doing nothing but sitting in her room and craving sunshine. I think she was mainly in a state of shock until things started changing a little bit. (and she was also probably overwhelmed because of her seer abilities)

elain has been sheltered her entire life, first by her family, especially father & nesta and feyre who never once blamed elain for anything but rather focused on nesta, then she met graysen & got engaged and their relationship was apparently very strong (she seems to have loved him and also she gave her virginity to him), and then she went to the night court where she‘s basically been underestimated and coddled the entire time AND she lets them do it most of the time 

“But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elainis sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she'd disappoint you all.” 

that’s what rhys says about her, like he knows there is more to her when even feyre and nesta don’t seem to see it, but this has changed in acosf, not only from rhys’ pov, but also during chapter 58 when nesta tells elain to fuck off

Elain blinked. Nesta blinked back, horror lurching through her. And then Elain burst out laughing. Howling, half-sobbing laughs that sent her bending over at the waist, gasping for breath. Nesta just stared, torn between questions and wanting to throw herself into the icy Sidra. “I— I’m so sorry—” Elain held up a hand, wiping her eyes with the other. “You’ve never said such a thing to me!” She laughed again. “I think that’s a good sign, isn’t it?“

look at her reaction when somebody is finally saying something to her but not sugar-coating it. she laughs. there’s no way of knowing what elain really feels all the time, but you have to admit, this reaction hints that that’s something elain has wanted for a long time. like she’s surprised that nesta is so bold and harsh with her, she says that nesta has never spoken to her in such a way and she’s not actually offended by it. to me it seems like she’s tired of everyone treating her like a child and maybe that scene was somewhat of a revelation to her. 

she’s been so passive for a majority of the series that fans have started calling her useless and plain, but man, I just disgree. as I said, there is valid criticism to be found everywhere (like the way she treats nesta in acosf, but in the end, I don’t really blame her for it when I think she’s still dealing with her own problems). but elain has started to make use of her agency when she helped kill the king of hybern or decided to give azriel back that necklace (for whatever reason, we don’t know yet) even though it seems like she’s still primarily passive most of the time.

so this leads me to hope that things will improve greatly for elain in the following books, especially in her own book. 

basically we have two opposites here in how people deal with trauma. elain is passive and quiet, I believe she still suffers a lot, there might be more to her abilities and that might be a part of why she’s changed her behaviour so drastically to lucien since acowar and all that. but a huge factor is also the way people treat her and implicitly force her to just continue with this coping mechanism. she’s a people pleaser and if that’s what people expect her to do ... then that’s what she’ll do until something eventually happens.

nesta is very wild and bold in her behaviour. we’ve seen her regain control over her emotions in acosf and we’ve seen her accept her new body, her new self. when cassian told her that there is nothing broken to be fixed and that she has to start forgiving herself too, I think that was a gamechanger for her. because when nesta started to forgive herself and deal with her own guilt and shame, that’s when she could truly begin healing. and I love that for her. 

[therunr]

Mt. Shasta Trip Report

Mt. Shasta (14,179 ft / 4322 meters) has been on my list of objectives for a while now! I attempted the Mt. Shasta climb last summer (2017) but had to turn around due to bad weather and rockfall danger; we barely made it to 11,000 ft or just under the popular structure called “Red Banks”. That was an unusually warm day which made the ascent out of “50-50″ campsite arduous and painful since we were practically post-holing at 2AM; for comparison - this is usually the conditions you’ll find on your descent, and on a really warm day.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend in 2018 and I was driving up I-5 to attempt Mt. Shasta one more time and this time, the weather looked perfect temperature-wise and the big unknown would be the wind. Forecasts called for high winds at altitude above Lake Helen which is the usual campsite for most people attempting a two-day ascent via Avalanche Gulch route. I kept an eye on the weather and frequently checked NOAA and www.mountain-forecast.com; NOAA typically is extremely conservative and MF being liberal so I was hoping we’d end up right in the middle and a perfect to attempt the Summit on Monday morning.

After gear-check on Sunday morning, we made space in our respective packs for group gear (I got to carry part of the tent, fuel for cooking and a shovel in addition to my items), we departed for the Bunny Flat trailhead at about 9AM. The trailhead is at 6,950 ft, and is a short 11 mile drive from town. 

Being a busy weekend, I had to circle around once but was extremely lucky to find a spot right near the bathrooms at the trailhead.

The plan was to go up Avalanche Gulch route. 

It starts with a hike up to either “50-50” campsite (just under 10,000 ft) or to Lake Helen (10,400 ft) where we’d setup “high camp”. The latter is the more popular choice for people doing this route, and given the long weekend, and possibly windy conditions, we were ready to camp about a 1,000 feet lower. This would not only mean a less crowded site, but also one that’s not as contaminated (since you’re making water from melting snow, and not everyone is diligent about being clean on the mountain). However, this meant that we’d have an extra 1,000 ft to cover the next day on our way to the Summit; it wasn’t too much of a concern since I’m just coming off an Ironman two weeks ago and should be in decent shape to move rather quick. This initial section is a short ~3 mile hike with a quick stop at Horse Camp where we topped off our water.

The trail to horse camp in 1.7 miles, and was melted out so it was a rather casual walk up to there, and from there to high-camp was more about negotiating steeper and direct terrain in somewhat soft snow. It’s about 3,000 feet and with fully-loaded packs so expect this to be slow. 

After setting up camp (below),

and covering some basic safety, and communication procedures (always good to level-set in a group), we talked about objectives for the day ahead of us: Safety first, and a shot at the Summit. A turn-around time of 11AM was established and I was confident we’d not have to come to time being the deciding factor but it’s always good to be clear about objectives. The rest of the evening was fairly low-key, and we enjoyed a simple dinner of rice and vegetable soup and an incredible show of alpenglow as the Sun set behind the mountains. 

While the approach in the day was warm to the say the least, the temperatures dipped quickly as the Sun disappeared and we were in the tents trying hard to fall asleep at 8:30 PM (Sunset: 8:30 PM).

I didn’t sleep too well, and the wake-up time of 1:00 AM came quickly! Our target was to eat, and get ready to head out by 2:00 AM. I decided to skip the hot food so as to not stir my system too much, and ate a Clif bar and was ready to go. It was a well-lit night given that full moon was just a day away so headlamps were barely required!

We started just about on schedule (at 2:15 AM) with helmet, gaiters, ice-axe and crampons right from camp given that the temperatures were favorable, and ice was firm. For layers, I had merino wool bottoms and shell pants and a base layer, mid layer and a shell for the top. Puffy was always handy when we stopped for breaks so as to maintain body heat.

From here on, the climb was mostly just cutting switchbacks as we climbed up the gulch and stopping from time-to-time to admire the beautiful almost-full moon, and the lights of Mt. Shasta City in the distance. We took a break every hour to eat and drink so we could maintain a constant energy source. As we climbed, a steady stream of headlamps formed behind us (and a few groups in front of us; we were one of the first ones), and it was a cool sight to see a line of headlamps taking small, but steady steps making up this incredible, and potentially active Volcano. Yes, it’s still considered as an active Volcano and the last recorded eruption was in 1786. Apparently it averages 600 years per eruption so I suppose we’re good for a little bit but note that the USGS does categorize it as a “high threat” volcano.

As we climbed higher, the prominent “Red Banks” appeared closer (on our left), and the “Thumb Rock” to the right. This ascent from Lake Helen to the top of the Red Banks is probably the steepest bit, and while it’s not necessary to rope up, I did rope up with Tyler for a brief section as we made progress to the top. It’s also usually in this spot where you see one of the best Sunrises you’ll ever see where the rising Sun creates a magical shadow of the mountain on the Earth - it’s essentially a giant triangle-shaped shadow that you can see drawn out in the distance. It’s something I had seen in pictures, and read about in trip reports but you have to create your own memory of this beautiful sight that has happened for close to a half million year, and will continue to happen every single day.

Right at the top of the Red Banks (we’re at about 12,800 ft here) is where you see another magnificent feature of this mountain which are its seven glaciers! Depending on the weather, you carefully traverse this part and quickly find yourself at the bottom of another long climb called the Misery hill. I assume the name gives it away, but it’s just one more objective ahead of us as we get closer to the summit.  At this time, the wind had gradually picked up as we gained in elevation and there were parts where we were getting hit in the face with strong wind, and blowing snow that came with it but still bearable enough for us to make steady progress.

As we climbed up Misery Hill, again switchbacking up the slope and making steady progress, we saw Shastina (highest satellite cone of Shasta, and at 12,330 ft) which features a nice crater at the top. I’ll have to come back to climb that someday!

The top of the Misery Hill and we’re at the summit plateau but we’re not done with the climbing yet! The ‘walk’ across this plateau is a gradual uphill grade. It’s at this part, and right before the climb up to the Summit pinnacle is where I smelled Sulfur. Tyler was quick to point out that we are indeed on a Volcano and the smell (and sights) of Volcanic activity adds additional points to the overall experience. From here, there’s a few short switchbacks that brought us up to the Summit (at 9:15 AM, exactly 7 hours after we left high camp; and covering about 3 miles, and over 4,000 ft) where we took some mandatory photos and signed the summit register :) 

After a quick snack and water break, we left the summit within 10 minutes of arriving there, and started the most important part of the trip - the descent back to high camp.

The descent, as you’d imagine, is quicker and we made good progress down - retracing the steps and covering the same landmarks and features we had just crossed hours earlier. After downclimbing the steep parts of the gully after the Red Banks, the snow finally softened up enough and the conditions allowed for safe glissading all the way down to high camp; we were back at 12:45 PM (about half the time it took us as compared to going up). We spent about an hour here to eat and hydrate and then packed up camp for a 2 hour trek back to the trailhead. There was a couple of short glissading sections here as well but as we got closer to horse camp this time, we saw a lot of snow that we walked across just a day ago had melted and exposed the rock causeway - it made for a pretty uneventful walk, sprinkled in with some short bursts of excitement and high fives on a successful trip!

If you’re interested, here’s what John Muir wrote about his trip up to Mt. Shasta:

https://vault.sierraclub.org/john_muir_exhibit/writings/snow_storm_on_mount_shasta.aspx

It sounds like he had quite an adventure - especially this part: “and that our only hope was in wearing away the afternoon and night among the fumaroles, where we should at least avoid freezing.”