#but i didnt estimate just how much of a pain it could be

[jellyfish-grave]

I put too much symbolism for a stupid lil badge design

The sketch to this design can be found in this old post of mine

[blublublujk]

young blood (2)

part 1 part 2 part 3

word count: 6k

genre: established/growing relationship

pairings: vampy koo x vampy reader x vampy tae x taekook

summary:

Teaching your Newborn vampire lover how to control his thirst.

warnings: jungkook is like their sweet baby (he's spoiled ok >.<). major taekook warning pls do not read if that bothers you. adult content, swearing/harsh language, sexuality, sexual content (noona kink, tears, bondage/blindfold, stripping, handjob, blowjob, cock slapping, cum shots, fingering, cum eating, biting (fangs), feeding (blood invloved), ass eating, spanking??, unprotected sex/anal, multiple orgasms, denied orgasms, overstimulation) i hope i got everything, im tired SORRY

a.n: does anyone still remember me? T—T how has everyone been??? IM SORRY I TOOK SO LONG. i have been going through so many things, it’s one thing after another. i feel a bit better now but it’s been crazy lately, i feel very exhausted </3 ik i said i was done with this but clearly not… i hope you all can enjoy this in the meantime. i didnt mean to starve you all along jungkook >.< i missed everyone and i miss being active. i’ll try and be back soon. i think this will be the last time i touch these characters so it’s bittersweet. i’ll probably do drabbles if requested here and there but im done with this LOL thank you to the sweet people who check up on me. im very thankful, see you soon 🥺

ALSO much thank you to my sweet friend who helped beta read, i love you smmm honey <333

**re-edited and republished on 09/03/23

—> m.list

—> welcome me on ao3 & twt

--

Jungkook's thirst worsened over time. 

Typically, a newborn’s thirst decreases as they age within their new lifestyle. It’s an agonizing pain that affects the throat. At first, it feels like a slight ache, almost as if stuck with a stubborn cold, then it transforms into a flame. It’s like shards of glass are being forced down the throat, unable to inhale anything besides its toxic fumes. A burning flame that could only be controlled by the consumption of blood. 

When blood enters the mouth of a newborn, it’s undeniably addicting and nearly impossible to ever stop wanting more. When blood enters the mouth, that excruciating pain they once had felt, turns into a less painful burn, the blood soothing their throat as if it were ice until it becomes bearable, until they feel absolutely spent. To vampires, blood acts as a drug. A drug, they’ll become dependent on for the rest of their sorry, immortal lives. When one is a newborn this all seems like the most difficult mission of your life. The pain is different for everyone. Some deal with this pain longer than others, for some it improves within the estimated years, but as for those that never come out of that cycle, well… they don't survive long enough to tell the tale.

It hurts seeing your own kind unable to come out of that horror. You had been there too, you all had. The thirst seems never ending until it isn’t. You learn to adapt and minimize it. Some escape, but those that don’t get punished. Punished for something nearly impossible to control. It’s sad. That’s when you made it your mission, along Taehyung, to help newborns come out of that cycle. 

There was supposed to be no favoritism, that’s what you and Taehyung had promised each other, years ago when the agreement had first started. But somewhere in between then and now, Jungkook had become your most prized possession.  

But Jungkook’s thirst only worsened over time.

The more he fed, the more he wanted. Jungkook couldn’t go a week without feeding. Not only did it start to scare you, but everyone started to notice that his feeding habits weren't normal. 

When you and Taehyung first found Jungkook, he was weak. Thin. But always kind-eyed. 

Jungkook was just too easy. 

“Turn me.” He pleaded, soft eyed. “I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever you ask of me. Turn me. Please…” 

“You’re so stupid for a human, Kookie. Think of what you’re asking of me.” Shit, had you had the choice back then, you would’ve done so much more with your life. Maybe you would’ve gone to college like all the rest of your human friends, however life took a different course. Jungkook was given the choice, you never had. “You could have it all, Jungkookie.” 

Jungkook shook his head. Stupid, stupid human. His heart racing, nevertheless determined for the chnage. His smell was addictive enough, iching to sink your fangs and pierce into the vein that pounced from his neck, pulsing with sweet blood. 

“No.” The human stood firm. “I-I want more. Puh-please. I’m sure of this.” 

“So so stupid.” Taehyung echoed, stepping back, eyes a crimson red. He practically tasted Jungkook’s blood in his mouth from the overwhelming smell of fresh blood pumping within him. He, too, wanted a taste but he was also giving Jungkook the choice. 

“Please.” Jungkook begged, one last time. And how could you say no to those soft, doe-eyes? The pretty human was practically begging for it, his scent teasing your tastebuds. 

You looked back once more at Taehyung, and he nodded, giving you the final call and a form of approval. 

So you gave in. 

—

“Jungkook hasn’t improved, Taehyung. His thirst… it’s gotten worse.”

Taehyung looked up from his phone to catch a glance of your anxious pacing from across the room, then looked back down. “You spoil him too much. That’s why.”

You scoffed, stopping in your tracks. “And you don’t? Don’t act like a fucking saint. All the man has to do is say please and you fold, too.”

Taehyung sighed, shrugging your comment off. “You just have to try harder.” 

“I’m fucking trying, Taehyung. Obviously. He’s not improving as fast as the other newborns. I’m scared of what will happen to him if—”

Taehyung waved his hand. “Stop thinking like that. He’ll be fine. We just have to try a different approach.” 

You blinked, resting your hands above your waist. “What are you suggesting?” 

“Break him. Test his limits. We spoil him too much. Once he sees how much he can actually handle, feeding will become easier.” 

You didn’t say much then, but a realization had settled within you that night. Taehyung was right, it was going to take more than words to get through Jungkook, you had to break him. 

—

Two days later, you decided to test his suggestion, alone. 

“Have you ever been tied up, Jungkook-ah?” You asked the pretty boy patiently sitting at the very edge of your bed. His dark hair had grown out a lot longer than he usually maintained it, yet his face was still bright, as if expecting a treat for being himself. Always so spoiled. 

Jungkook’s brows furrowed, curious about the intent behind your question. “Nuh-uh.”

You towered over him, the younger manspread a spot for you to stand in with an oddly chilling look in his sharp eyes sprinkled with hints of dark red. He couldn’t be hungry, could he? Who were you kidding, he was always hungry. You pushed his hair back gently, his eyes fluttering at the sensation. “Do you trust Noona, Jungkook-ah?”

The boy softly nods his head, his rough hands coming up to caress behind your thighs. “Why wouldn’t I?” 

Tucking a piece of hair behind his ear, you whispered, “I want to try something, but I need you to trust me. Can you do that baby? Mm? You’ll be a good boy, no?”

Jungkook didn’t hesitate in submitting. If there was anyone he listened to, it was you and Taehyung. He knew how to behave and he understood very well the consequences to disobeying. However, you didn’t exactly think he knew what that quite meant, at least not yet and to what extent.

“Yes, Noona. I’ll be good.” Jungkook answered, while you ran your fingers through his hair. He was always down for a good time, or so that’s what he imagined was coming his way. “I’ll be so good for you.”

With a smile on your face, you slowly pushed him backwards, signaling him to push himself further up onto the bed. “Take your clothes off baby. I’ll watch you from here.” 

You stepped off, eyes never leaving him, giving him enough space. 

“Everything?” His lips formed into a small pout, he surely didn’t like doing things on his own. He liked the way you touched him, scratch that, loved. Your skin always so soft against his. 

“Everything.” You confirmed, crossing your arms.

Jungkook took his time. He pulled his shirt off over his head making sure to maintain eye contact. Teasingly, his hand caressed his abs as they went down his body, the smirk on his face did not go unnoticed. He always knew how to put on a show. Next came his pants, he slowly tugged them down revealing his confined hard-on then tossed them to the side. He hesitated when it came down to taking his boxers off. 

“Can’t you do this part?” He pouted, attempting to change the current situation.

God knows you wanted to, but instead you shook your head. “Be good, baby.”

Though his shoulders dropped in disappointment, he accepted his fate. His hands finally landed on the waistband pulling his briefs off, revealing himself little by little until his hardened member sprang out, smacking against his abdomen. Already dripping of precum. A taste sure was tempting. 

Time froze a little bit as you took in the sight in front of you, carefully placing himself at your mercy and for your pleasure. His eyes blinked, curious of what came next. Truthfully, you wanted to crawl onto the bed and give him the best blowjob of his life, but you knew that would teach him nothing. That and Taehyung would be disappointed in both of you. You knew better or at least should.

Well, here goes nothing.

“We will start now. I want you to tell me if it gets too much, okay? Are you okay with the color system? Green means good, yellow means slow down, and red means to completely stop what it is we are doing. Is that okay with you?” You carefully explained. 

Jungkook nodded once more. 

“No, use your words.”

“I understand Noona, I trust you.” 

And trust he did. He didn’t hesitate to lean into the blindfold you placed against his eyes, tightening the silky cloth around his head. 

“Is this okay?” 

The young man looked around for a moment, but saw nothing. He felt much better feeling the presence of your thumb swiping his cheek, an indication he wasn’t alone.

“This is okay.” He murmured, placing his hand on top of yours. “I can’t see a thing.” 

“Okay good. I’ll need your hands now.” 

Immediately, Jungkook set his hands out, giving in completely. He was being honest about never being tied-up before, he could never trust anyone enough to allow that sort of power and control over him. He was a competitive person after all and he, himself, liked having control of everything happening around him, but you knew you were just an exception. 

Grabbing his hands, one by one, you tied both to the headboard, giving him enough room to be able to tug on the rope without hurting himself when it all became too intense, but not enough to actually escape. With one last tug, you made sure he couldn’t get away too easily. Jungkook was stronger than most newborns after all. You couldn’t bear to imagine what would happen to him if he spiraled out of control. 

“S’ this okay?” You asked him softly, stepping off to look at your handy work. 

He nodded, his head tilting as if trying to get a better feel about his surroundings with all his senses hightened. But it all went dark, now every touch and sound was magnified by ten. It was interesting how a person adapted to the world around them regardless of the circumstances. 

“Words, Jungkook-ah.” Once more warning him of the importance of using his words in bed. 

“I’m okay.” He breathed out. His hands tugged lightly on the rope, testing the strength of the knots himself. It turned him on to know you could do anything you’d like to him and he would have to take anything you gave him. He was completely dazed by the rough material around his wrists secretly liking how it felt against his tender skin. He ached to be inside you. To feel inside you. The suspense was nearly driving him insane. 

Jungkook patiently waited as you made your next move. He felt his dick start to make a mess all over his stomach. He used to feel so embarrassed about the fact that he was easily turned on, but with a woman like you, he couldn’t blame himself. He always wanted you. 

He also didn’t know how to explain his attraction to Taehyung. Jungkook had never thought about a man in that way before and maybe it was because he never had the experience of what it was like to be completely ruined by one. Now, he was more than sure, he liked men. But he didn’t want just any man, Taehyung was his strongest desire. 

Jungkook attempted to suppress the moan stuck in his throat when he felt you tighten your fist around his length, pumping him slowly. Your breath tickled against his ear as you leaned up to kiss the mole on his neck.

“Noona will make you feel so good, Jungkookie. But only after you learn to control yourself. Don’t you want to be good, baby?” With every whisper, he felt himself already crumbling. Your hand pumped him faster using his precum as lube. Jungkook didn’t hold back the moan this time. 

“Ngh— y-yes, I want to be so good. I-I’ll be good. More Noona, more.” You could see him fighting the restraints. His chest started rising with every stroke, he was already starting to lose himself within the pleasure.

But you did the complete opposite. Dropping his cock with no mercy, he felt his stomach caving in as you completely stopped all movements. 

Jungkook shook his head, tugging at the constraints. His wrists started to become flush and swollen the more he pulled. “No, please. Puh-please.”

Leaning in, you kissed the pout that had formed on his lips. The second he felt your lips touch his, he didn’t plan to let go. Immediately, his tongue swiped your bottom lip, and you allowed him access. Big mistake. Without much warning, he shoved his tongue inside, establishing dominance over yours frantically. Attempting to pull back only earned you a light tug to your lip which you responded with a faint moan as you fisted his hair. Even tied, Jungkook made it quite obvious what he was after. He wanted more and was making it known. If given the chance he would have taken you right there and then. 

But you managed to pull away with a bite to his lip and a small shove to his chest, while you both attempted to catch your breath. 

It was hard not to lose yourself within the process of what was supposed to be “his punishment”. It started to feel a lot like yours too. Maybe you had also grown spoiled. How could you not? Jungkook always received you so well, and the more he took the more you wanted to give him. 

Jungkook blew out a deep breath, laying his head against the headboard. His dick was painfully hard, weighing against his glistening abdomen. His dark hair started sticking to the sweat piling on his forehead. He looked so pretty, so vulnerable. And all yours.

He was silently suffering, but his agonizing thoughts were incredibly loud. 

Giving him no time to adjust, you wrapped your mouth around the tip of his cock, licking against the slit painfully slow. He always liked when you did that.

Jungkook cursed, feeling you force his dick down your throat. Though he was used to the sight by now, he so desperately wished he could be looking at that view now. You always looked the best with dick in your mouth. “Ughhh, j-just like that. I wish I c-could see how you look right now.”

“Maybe later.” Jungkook seemed satisfied with that answer, raising his hips carefully to meet your mouth. You hummed quietly around his member, sinking your head deeper as you hollowed your cheeks for a greater effect. Jungkook grunted and so suddenly shoved himself further into your throat causing you to gag around him, taken by surprise. You pulled off immediately, watching him curse at himself for losing control.

“No, no, no. Fuck, I’m sorry. Come back, please.” Jungkook begged, but it made no difference. He’d burn the stupid cloth around his eyes and ties around his wrists if he could by now and show you how truly sorry he felt. Make it up to you, if only he could. 

However you didn't budge. 

With a slap to his leaking member, you pulled yourself off the bed, watching him curl and hiss at the impact. Jungkook nearly went feral, feeling you go.

“Please!” He cried out. Now he was really struggling, nearly thrusting up in the air for any sort of attention. If Jungkook thought you would go easy on him because you favored him, he felt completely stupid now. He was absolutely helpless. 

“No.” That one simple word crushed him. He felt he could cry, he was already making a mess all over himself. He was thirsty. He was in pain. He felt so dirty. He needed something, anything.

Jungkook audibly swallowed. “O-okay, please j-just touch me.” He begged, his arms stopped fighting. The more he pulled the more the ropes tightened around his wrists, he started to become sore, weak. He felt tired.

Jungkook couldn’t see a thing you were doing to him nor could he go out of the way to pleasure himself. He had to rely solely on your next move, but even that was tough when you wouldn’t give him what he desperately lusted for. Did you not want to touch him anymore? 

This time you complied, feeling upset about the frown that had set on his face. You wrapped your hand once more around his length, spitting on his swollen crown for some relief, gripping his cock tighter as you jerked your wrist. Using both hands, you applied more pressure on his tip, he immediately responded thrusting into your fists the best he could. 

“Yes, yes, yes, like that. Thank you.” Jungkook’s voice was whiny, sucking in his breath with every stroke. His back arching at the sensation of your fingertips digging into his sticky tip. God, he was going insane. Was he already going to come? “I-I’m–”

“You wanna come, baby?” You asked very sweetly, watching him fall apart in your hands. 

“Mm...” Jungkook barely hummed, his head falling back. He was starting to feel faint. “P-Please, let me come.”

Though it was too soon for your liking, you couldn’t keep him too long without an orgasm. That is like another personal hell to a vampire. It’s simply cruel. “Go ahead, baby.” 

Maybe it was the fact that he was painfully turned on or that he really couldn’t last any longer that made him burst within that same second. Jungkook made such a pretty mess, his sperm dripped all over his blushing stomach, making a shiny milky mess around your fingers until you pumped the very last drop out. 

You let his cock drop once more, bringing your fingers near his mouth. He already knew what to do. He leaned into your hand, moaning at the taste as he lapped his tongue around your fingers, sucking them until they were completely clean.

“What a good boy, Jungkook-ah.” Though faint, he broke into a lazy smile and had those sweet eyes not been shielded, you could imagine the sparkle in them as they got praised. Stroking his sweaty hair back into place, Jungkook sighed, feeling his thirst die down, but only by a little bit. 

That was the thing about Jungkook, no matter how much you gave him, he could always take more. He needed more. This wouldn’t be enough to calm him, this was just a temporary solution. Jungkook was still painfully hard and extremely thirsty.

Pulling away for a minute, you took time to discard your own clothes. You watched as Jungkook’s chest raised up and down as he waited, becoming impatient by the second. Once you were completely bare, you hopped onto his thighs, adjusting yourself just above the mess between his legs.

He immediately buried his face into your neck biting very cautiously, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted to feed off you, but he knows it would only go worse for him. He was not allowed to feed off you unless given audible permission, no matter how thirsty he was nor how badly he craved it, which all was often.

With a light tug to his hair, he popped off your neck. “M’ so hungry, Noona.” 

“I’m feeding you now. Patience.” You assured him, but Jungkook wasn’t really up for reassurance anymore. He wanted more and he’d do anything to get it. 

“No. I can’t wait anymore. I need to feed.” Jungkook rasped, feeling his throat sting every swallow. “It h-hurts.”

Gripping his chin, you spoke to him harshly. “I don’t think you understand what’s happening here, Jungkook. You don’t get to feed every time you want, no matter how much you beg. You must learn to control your thirst. I’ve seen newborns cursed with a thirst like yours in the past. None live to tell the story. They kill people like you, Jungkook-ah. I can’t have that be you.” 

Jungkook felt his chest go heavy, his forehead flew up against yours, his nose pecking yours. “No, no, that won’t be me. I can control myself. You believe me, right?” 

He kissed your lips, desperate for you to understand, to have mercy on him.

“I do baby, I do.” Your voice immediately softened, hands caressing his face very tenderly. “Can’t you just listen to me? I promise to feed you. I’m only trying to help you. You understand me, right? We have to build your tolerance.”

Jungkook nodded, almost in a panic state. “Yes. Help me, Noona. Please, I don’t want them to take me from you. I’m so scared. Please…” 

He was cut off by another weight added to the bed, one you hadn’t noticed yourself, you smelled him before you saw him. Taehyung was quick to bury his face against the younger man’s neck, pecking it softly. His presence was so sudden, but it was welcomed. 

“Nothing will ever happen to you, Jungkook-ah. I would never let anyone take you. You don’t have to be scared.” He spoke with much affection resting against his nape. 

Taehyung had nearly torn the door open when he made his way inside, and Jungkook felt he could cry. He understood very well he had two lovers who would never let a single soul hurt him. No one could touch him. He was so loved, he felt it. He didn’t shy away from Taehyung’s kisses either, but instead welcomed them by tilting his neck for more. 

“Hyung-ie… h-help me.” Voice nearly breaking. 

Taehyung looked over at you and you immediately received the signal. You hopped off Jungkook’s thighs and sat beside him, caressing his messy curls back, kissing his tender cheek. “Taehyung will help you now baby. Is this still okay?”

Jungkook felt tears sticking to the cloth. He hadn’t even realized he was crying and he was too overwhelmed with emotion to even care. He was so hungry. “G-Green. Green. Please.” 

Taehyung pounced into action, completely removing his clothes off as quickly as possible before placing himself between Jungkook’s thighs, caressing his inner flesh to calm him. 

“Hyung, will make the pain go away, Jungkook-ah. Focus on me, baby.” Taehyung promised as he began to kiss the deprived young man with gentleness, feeling his teary face lean against his. He kissed him almost as if he would break under his touch, understanding that he was extremely sensitive, vunerable at this given moment. He wanted Jungkook to know with every kiss to his lips how cared for he was, with every swipe to his cheek that nothing could ever harm him. And that, Jungkook was starting to understand very well, the tears clinging to his cheek, leaking down his face. 

Jungkook slowly spread his legs open, allowing for more space. His mouth clinging onto Taehyung’s as relieved sighs left his lips, signaling he wanted more by grinding his bare cock against his thigh. 

Taehyung had never intended on joining and to be honest, he felt he could be of no help, but how could he starve him? He smelled his need, his lust, his desire. How could anyone starve him? How could anyone deprive him of what he so badly needed? Jungkook was just so innocent and out of touch with reality. And at some point, you and Taehyung had become the weak ones. 

“Relax my baby, Hyung will help now.” The older vampire cooed one last time, before dropping down and attaching his mouth to Jungkook’s pretty pink hole. He mercilessly licked and curled his tongue, applying pressure on the younger’s thighs to keep them from closing, devouring him as if he was his last meal. Jungkook nearly jerked off the bed, but Taehyung’s grip managed to keep him down. The Newborn let out so many pretty harmonies, already feeling addicted to the way Taehyung’s tongue lapped his juices deliciously into his mouth. 

“Nghhh. Right there, Hyung. F-Feels so fucking good.” Jungkook moaned loudly, throwing his head back, raising his hips with every sinful lick. Taehyung continued to work his mouth, prying his ass completely open, stuffing his hole with just enough tongue to satisfy him.

You couldn’t torment yourself any longer just by watching so you stuffed your own pussy with two fingers, they slid with ease, synching a moan with Jungkook. Both, completely overwhelmed with so much pleasure. 

Taehyung smiled against Jungkook, realizing what had just occurred. Taehyung knew you far too well. Couldn’t stand a minute without cock stuffing your needy cunt. 

As expected, Jungkook couldn’t bear feeling trapped any longer. With one final, strong tug on the ropes they loosened enough, falling to his sides. He didn’t waste a second to grab a fistful of Taehyung’s locks as he continued to eat him out. You were quite shocked that he hadn’t torn the cloth off his eyes first or managed to somehow destroy the headboard to pieces, but that was most likely due to the fact that he was so lost in pleasure and he was just desperate to come again. Taehyung had been caught by surprise, but continued to thrust his tongue inside him. 

“Fuck, f-fuck, Hyung, ‘M s-so close. Gonna c-come.” Jungkook kept releasing the prettiest whimpers, pulling and tugging at Taehyung’s hair while he reached his second climax. With one last moan, Jungkook came all over himself again, sweat coating his body, prettily. The sight managing to rip an orgasm out of you as well. 

Taehyung finally pulled off, wiping his lips clean with his tongue, his eyes blown out completely, incredibly turned on himself. Jungkook fell back once more, relaxing himself under Taehyung’s hold, attempting to catch his irregular breathing. But the mission hadn’t ended there.

“Keep it on.” Taehyung stopped the very weak Newborn from ripping the blindfold off with a slap to his wrist at the last second. “Hyung will take it off when that time comes. And you, come milk my cock.”

Nearly whimpering at his demand, you settled yourself on top of Taehyung because that is where you belonged. It is the place you felt like a Goddess in, he would worship your body like the Queen you were and it was the only place you could live forever. You believed you were meant for Taehyung and he for you, shaped to fit perfectly inside you. Like you were used to doing, you positioned his cock right above your leaking lips, slowly sitting into the stretch. You held your breath until he was completely inside you, feeling him pulse around you. 

“That’s it baby. Ride me well.” Taehyung grunted, hands positioned right above your waist as the man was helping you adjust, feeling your tight pussy squeeze his length. “Let Jungkookie hear how good this big dick feels inside you.”

Releasing a high pitched moan, you lifted your hips just to smash back down against Taehyung, setting a nice pace. “F-Fuck.”

Jungkook felt a spike of arousal rush to his cock once more, hardening on his stomach. This was torture to him and Taehyung knew that. You both knew that. 

You gasped, feeling Taehyung’s cock brushing your tight walls, filling you entirely, his palms striking your ass with a quick sting. “Let him hear you, baby. Tell Jungkookie how good this feels. Tell him. Such a whore for my cock, tell him baby.” 

Jungkook felt he could come again as he heard you cry out for Taehyung. “Feels so–ahh, good Jungkookie! Feel so full, I’m gonna fuh–fucking come. Ah!” 

“Don't. Not yet.” Taehyung grunted, keeping a tight grip, thrusting from below you to meet your hips. He was completely destroying your insides. Nothing you couldn’t handle. His hips came to a sudden stop and the positions shifted forcing you to face down with your ass up in the air. Though you assumed you would come in contact with the mattress, Jungkook’s chest was there to catch you. He quickly picked up the change and pulled you in closer, caressing your back as Taehyung parted your entrance to align himself and with no hesitation shoved his cock back inside you, stuffing your puffy walls entirely. 

Jungkook felt this was much, much worse because now he could feel you squirm and shiver against his chest, hearing your breathy moans right above his ear. He didn’t know how much more he could take before he completely exploded. 

“Fuck me, fuck, oh fuckkk!” You squealed feeling Taehyung fuck himself into you from behind with no plan to stop. Tightly gripping one cheek he thrusted deeply, setting a brutal pace. 

“Tell him again, baby. Tell him how much you love being fucked from behind. You’re so fucking tight baby, fuck. I should just fill you up right now.” Taehyung moaned and with his other hand grabbed a fist of your hair, fucking you exactly as you liked it. Fucking his little slut how she pleased.

Jungkook hissed, feeling you dig your fingertips into his arms in an attempt to catch a break, but you were so far gone by now. “Mmm, I love it so much. Fuck, puh–please let me come please, I can’t last any longer. Nghhh.”

He cheekily smacked your ass, continuing the brutal pace inside you that would eventually break the knot that had built within your stomach. “Yeah baby? Make a mess on my fucking dick, let Jungkook hear you angel. You feel so fucking good princess.” 

The knot within you had completely exploded the second he finished his last praise, dropping the grip he had on your hair and allowing you to release your orgasm comfortably against Jungkook’s chest, moaning a repeated ‘yes, yes, yes’ into his neck. The Newborn took everything for you, caressing you into a tight hold while you came strongly. 

Taehyung slowed down until he eventually pulled out very carefully, watching your folds drip with your sweet juices. While still panting, you pulled off Jungkook, growing relaxed on the empty spot beside him. 

Although nothing had happened to him, Jungkook was still somehow out of breath himself, still hungry for more. As expected, he was still hard and aching for a final release. But you had no energy for more, completely spent, that’s where Taehyung would come in handy. He could always handle more than you could. 

Taehyung leaned over Jungkook’s heated body, finally releasing the blindfold around his head, welcoming his eyes to the mess that had been created in such a short time. It took some time for Jungkook’s eyes to adjust to his surroundings again, but there it was. 

The only people he desperately wanted, the only people he needed. The only two people he ironically fell deep in love with. His lovers.

Taehyung placed his palm against Jungkook’s cheek affectionately. “You okay, baby? You did so good. I’m so proud of you.” 

Jungkook blinked tears away, his pretty eyes glistened in the sunlight that had sneakily made its way through a crack. “You are? B-But I tore the ropes. And ‘m s-so messy. D-Don’t you hate me?” 

Taehyung immediately shook his head, pushing his nose against the younger’s.  “No, my baby. I could never hate you. None of us. You look prettiest like this, baby. I’m really proud of you.” 

The Newborn leaned in for a passionate kiss which Taehyung granted, feeling so many emotions but for once, he was no longer hyperfixed on the burn that had been longing in his throat, but now satisfied with the warmth he felt within his heart. Jungkook loves so deeply.

With a pop to release Taehyung’s lip, Jungkook begged one last time. “Fuck me please. Just one last time, I promise. M’ s-still hungry.” 

Taehyung smiled. “I know, baby, I know. Get on your knees and face Y/N.” 

The younger man didn’t waste any time hooking an arm over your bare chest and pulling you underneath him almost as if he was gonna fuck you in the process (maybe it was possible, but that would come next time). Though still wet from earlier, Taehyung decided to spit into Jungkook's fluttering hole before easing his hard cock into him. Once Jungkook had adjusted with a muttered ‘move, please’, Taehyung pulled out slowly only to thrust his way back inside. He started fucking Jungkook like he deserved it, fast and precise. He wanted to fuck him until his legs gave out, until Jungkook understood just how proud he was of him. Being able to control your thirst as a newborn was a difficult thing, but Jungkook had proven just how well he could withstand it (even if he was a bit more spoiled than others, that was something only you and Taehyung had to know). 

“Fuck. Ah! Hyung, right there!” This time it was Jungkook throaty moans being heard above your ear as he was being railed mercilessly, repeatedly hitting his sweet spot.

He whimpers, hearing Taehyung’s moans, feeling Taehyung’s dainty hands tighten around Jungkook’s thin waist, thumbs digging into the dimples forming his back. Taehyung could only control his own release so much, he was very close, especially feeling Jungkook’s tight wall squeeze around his length with every stroke. 

Jungkook’s dick was embarrassingly hard and only kept rutting against your thigh as Taehyung made it his mission to fuck him into fucking oblivion. There wasn’t much you could do, but observe the look on Jungkook’s face as he was getting fucked like the good boy he was. Moving a hand down, you took a hold of his cock pumping him roughly. Jungkook felt his lovers everywhere, he never wanted it to end.

“I’m gonna— Ah!” Jungkook broke into sweet gasps, eyes shut, feeling himself make a mess into whatever was left beneath him. He delivered his orgasm all over your hand, his seed decorating your stomach, leaking into the sheets below. The room was filled with the stench of sex. You would argue it had never smelled better.

Taehyung soon came himself and heard Jungkook softly chant to come inside him and that is exactly what he did, filing Jungkook up completely, sperm leaking down his thighs. 

Taehyung swore he had never seen a view this beautiful in between breathless pants. His two lovers, completely spent underneath him, willing to do just anything and everything for him. He had never seen anything prettier, such pretty messes. Taehyung was careful when removing himself from Jungkook, who winced at the empty feeling. It didn’t take long for Taehyung to find his pretty lovers tangled in bed while he carefully wiped them clean with a wet towel. With him, he brought a cup of blood that was to be stored for emergencies. However Taheyung used the supply quite often for his Newborn lover, but who was he to deny his baby of anything he needed? 

Tapping his shoulder gently, Jungkook pushed himself up against the headboard immediately downing the red liquid. 

“Drink it slowly baby, slowly.” Taehyung cooed with a soft– sharp tone, both watching Jungkook swallow every last drop, his pretty lips were tainted red followed with a streak of blood running down his chin. Always such a messy thing. “Ahh– so pretty, my sweet baby.”

“Good boy, Jungkookie.” You whispered.

Jungkook felt himself melt into the sheets with a huge smile, blush setting deep within his soft cheeks. He was finally home. 

-

-

-

That was what it was like most times and it is what set the scene most days. 

Two older vampires admiring their Newborn lover into fitting the lifestyle they had always known. Three lovers who loved deeply and passionately. Three lovers who would always find happiness through each other.

-

-

-

“I love you.” Jungkook whispered, feeling you both beside him, arms wrapping around his thin waist, legs entangling each other’s. “I love you both so much.” 

Taehyung kissed the boy’s cheek while you leaned deeper into Jungkook’s embrace. “We love you more, baby.”

[justmy-account]

Suspicious Minds thoughts

I finally got to read one of the Stranger Things books!

Suspicious Minds is a book written by Gwenda Bond and its Stranger Things prequel. It takes place in June 1969-September 1970 and it’s mostly about Dr. Martin Brenner and Terry Ives. We see how Terry started with this project and her experience with it. Don’t forget that everything thats in this book is secondary canon, that means that it may or may not be truth, or that if the show says something otherwise, it doesn't mean the book is complete nonsense.

I just wrote down some important information from the story, or some interesting facts. There’s a lot of them, so I color-coded them, bc why not, it’ll be better ig.

Terry’s personal life, her friends etc.

Brenner’s personal stuff

Kali’s personal stuff

how the experiment worked

terry trying to figure out whats the experiment abt

abt El

Brenner sorts out people into categories immediatly as he sees them(gender, hight, weight, race, intelligence estimate, potencial estimate)

Kali was 5 in 1969, so she was born in 1964, therefore was 20 in s2

b4 kali came to the lab, “the powers of other subjects we’re unsatisfying”

kali insisted on the name kali, didnt like when people called her “eight”

in 1969 terry had a boyfriend named Andrew, they and their friends used to smoke together(tho terry rather just drink, bc when she smoked she literally felt like seeing ghost)

terry worked as waitress

her roomate stacey told her abt some study where she participated. stacey said it was very weird and it wasnt worth the money(15$). terry didnt have that much money, so she tried it

becky was very protective over terry, but she approved bc they needed the money

becky lived in their parents house while terry lived in collage. it’s the same house as the one where they live now/in the show

terry was known as person who asks million questions

she pretended to be stacey at the experiment(it took place in psychology hall at their campus) bc she didnt sign in or sth and stacey was already signed up

terry wanted to change the world, she wrote letters to the congresmans etc., so she participated in the study bc she wanted to be “part of something big”

she was studying in bloomington, the following experiments took place in hawkins, where they(terry+other ppl that participated in the experiment)drove once a week

brenner was impressed by terry from the very start

in the first sitting they gave terry drugs and brenner asked her abt the worst day of her life(the day of her parents’ funeral-they both died in car crash) and tried some psychological stuff like “put all that pain and grief to a box and then throw the box away”

next time she went to the sensory deprivation tank

becky is four years older than terry

terry had the talent to leave good first impression

later terry didnt have to go to school thursdays bc the lab freed her and she got credit for the study(therefore she couldnt just leave the study cuz her grades depended on it)

terry participated in the study with three different people from her school;

Ken: even when they were looking for women to participate in the experiment, he said that his psychic abilities told him to participate

Alice: she wasnt studying, but she worked with her uncle in his auto-mechanic shop(idk hows it called), she tried to look as dirty as possible, so people would trust her with fixing their car

Gloria: was from a pretty rich family, studies biology and participated in the study bc she wanted to see how it works in labs. later she realized that the hnl may not be doing stuff as they should be

they didn’t know what’s the experiment for, but their theory was that maybe they’re trying to find some usage for LSD-that would explain why they gave them the drugs and did some like “excersises” with them

Alice was getting electro-shocks, once she saw “a monster with too long arms and flower-like head” in her mind, which could be demogorgon

once terry went to the wrong door in the hospital and met kali

kali said she likes secrets

terry thought kali might be brenners daughter(she called him papa), and maybe the experiment is for her, that shes sick and theyre looking for medicine for her

terry went to library and found mentions of three brenners but none of them was martin. got me thinking abt richard brenner theory

brenner thought he hypnotised terry and told her to bug phone at gloria’s parents’ store

terry wasnt hypnotised, so she remember it, and told gloria abt it. gloria was okay with putting it to the phone, cuz it wasnt their home phone, and didnt want terry to have a problem

kali eventually told brenner that “a nice pretty lady visited her and promised she’ll come back”

brenner didn’t want kali to meet other people except doctors, so she doesn’t lose her powers or sth

after she tried sensory deprivation tank, she got angry and didnt like it there, and that made her powers work

terry and her lab friends(+andrew) started to doubt abt the experiment and wanted to take some of the drugs they use at them to analyse them, go to brenners office and stuff like that

terry managed to get to brenners office(ken was pretending that he’s choking so everyone was distracted with him), she found files named “secret”, “mk ultra” and “indigo”.

she also found files named “001”,”002”,003”,…,”010”. after them she found file “project indigo”, so i assume that el, kali, henry etc. were all part of project indigo.

brenner later found out through camera footage where terry went

andrew dropped out of school bc he publicly stood up against Nixon during his speech abt the war in vietnam

since he wasnt in school anymore, he couldve been chosen to go to war

brenner wanted to “punish” terry for going around the hospitala nd stuff, so he called his friend in washington dc so they pick adrew to the war

during one trip, alice seen to the future and she saw El. she saw how she refused to do some experiment and then killed the guards(we saw this scene in the show in s1)

when kali was using her powers, she didnt struggle with starting, but it was hard for her to stop

brenner doesnt understand children(his words), but he considers himself to be “dad type”

six months after the start of the experiment(july-december 69) brenner noticed terry is pregnant(they were doing some tests on her and noticed it)

brenner didnt want terry to know that she pregnant(father is andrew btw), he told her that if she gets stomach pain, she shouldnt go to the doctor, bc they wouldnt know what to do with it, bc he said its bc of the drugs and gave her some medicine for it

terry was using “the void”

they thought the girl that alice saw(el) was in the hospital as some other children(we know it was in the future), so they decided to look for her(in alices mind)

they later figured out that alice saw the future, bc brenner was older, she saw cars she didnt recognize, machines that didnt exist yet…

in february terry was eating a lot bc of all the stress, so she thought shes gaining weight bc of that(but she was pregnant)

it kinda doesnt make sense that she didnt notice that she didnt have her period for like three months but idk

terry tells brenner to leave her alone, and thats exactly what he wants(he wants to make her angry, have emotions)

she talks to kali often in the void, they’re pretty good friends

kali used her powers to visit alice once(terry told kali abt her friends)

brenner was worried shell use her powers to escape

b4 andrew left for vietnam he broke up with terry(or they went on a break idk how to call it)(but andrew was very great boyfriend dw)

ken has some issues with his family, they never minded “weird” till he started dating a boy

terry asked kali to distract brenner

she went to brenners office again, she took pictures of the files, in the mk ultra file there were their files

kali told papa that she was talking to terry and he found the pictures she took(wasnt really mad tho)

he just gave her another manipulatational speech abt theyre the good guys

also the things with terrys period was solved that she still has her period, so ig the drugs messed sth up, but i dont think its biologicaly possible, but what do i know, ill just go with it

terry called some reporters from hawkins to come to hnl and werie artcile abt it

brenner said hes busy so they were with another doctor

the photograph suggested taking picture of him with the subjects and thats when the infamous photo was taken

at some point terry connected the dots and realized she’s pregnant

ken predicted that it’s girl

andrew died(i fucking cried)(terry found out by calling his parents)

terry didnt go to the lab bc of it

she wants to start a new life and disappear

ken named her baby jane(bc of jane goodall)

kali told brenner that alice sees in the future so he managed to get some form to permanently move alice to the lab

rest of them had a plan; glroia turned on the fire alarm, kali used her powers to make alice look dead, and terry went to alices room and started blaming brenner for her death(she knew that shes not dead btw). ken waited outside with a car. gloria pretended to be a doctor that took alices body to autopsy(brenner and his team probably never found out that alice actually didnt die). alice went to canada where part of her family lived and she stayed there. the rest of the gang went back home.

earlier that day brenner gave terry some drug or medicine and that made her water broke

i like it was “show-accurate” that her water broke in the kitchen, same as in the show, even the dialouge was the same

brenner was one of the doctors that were there and he just took el

thatd mean that els birth day is somwhere in june 1970 btw

terrys friends believed her that el/jane is alive

ken’s new boyfriend was a soldier and he worked for the hnl(what a coincidence) and he got a photo of El from somwhere(btw, ken said that he thinks/predicts that he’ll find love in hawkins so ig he was right)

that’s pretty much it

i really really liked this book, id love to read other stranger things books, but i dont think ill be able to do that cuz i cannot get any where i live. id recommend this book to everyone interested in stranger things, there’s no like mind blowing new facts abt the experiments, but it definitely gives you interesting information on how it actually might be. im the kind of person thatd like to know everything abt everything, so reading this book made me gain some new information abt my fav show, so it was really worth it. it was a very quick read, the book has like 317 pages, i managed to read it in like two days, so it was really anyway thats it ig yeah

[fearowkenya]

was off of tumblr for the vast majority of the time that i had her so i mostly just posted about her on twitter, but for anyone who knew her, my cat oskar died about two and a half weeks ago. she got really sick really fast. i miss her very much but she died peacefully and pain-free, purring in my arms

im coping like... all right? i mean, im fucking devastated and i still cant really talk about her for very long without crying. even though i started mentally preparing for this about six months ago, when i noticed some paler silvery hairs dotting her fur, these past few weeks have been really, really hard.

she was a stray so we never knew exactly how old she was, but our estimate was at least 14 years old, assuming she was recently full-grown when she showed up at my uncles doorstep. so she was old. knew it would happen eventually. didnt make it much easier but at least it didn’t come out of left field or whatever

she lived with my uncle for most of her life, and came to me when he moved and wasnt allowed pets in his new apartment. i think that was in like... march of 2018? yeah. the four and a half years oskar spent with me were the ones with my most major life changes. i moved out on my own for the first time in late 2017, so she’s been with me for the majority of my independent adult life. i built so many little habits around her that i didn’t really notice until she died, like leaving my bedroom door cracked open so she could come in, or glancing around a room for her so i could say hi as soon as i got home from work.

oskar was really sweet, very round and compact. a lot of cat in not a lot of space. she didn’t play nice with other cats but warmed up to most people fairly quickly. she liked to sit on paper, usually whatever notebook or sketchbook i was actively using. she had a really quiet little voice, didn’t quite meow, more like a “mmreh”, which apparently is common for the breed we think she was.

my roommate always joked that oskar had serious fomo. if the two of us were in the same place and oskar wasn’t, it would only be a couple of minutes before she’d pad into the room to see what we were doing. even partially closed doors were criminal offenses to her and as long as they weren’t fully closed, she’d fling them right open and waltz on in.

oskar liked to hang out in the kitchen whenever somebody was in there, hoping to get a little taste of whatever we were making. spoiled beast usually got a tiny tiny tiny little bit of mayo, cream cheese, or butter whenever i was using it. she fucking hated vanilla and made the silliest scrunched up face if i let her sniff the bottle.

even after she developed arthritis, oskar still loved to play, and her little fangs would hang down from her mouth when she was in hunting mode. she was also a total lapcat, LOVED belly rubs and chin scritches and would flop right over purring as soon as you started petting her.

i love her so much.

[izartn]

MDZS JGY fic promt

I’m thinking about Meng Yao/Jin Guangyao and I think I would love to read a fic of him snapping in the opposite direction of his desperate grab for power and respect from his shit father. We know, thanks to JGS gruesome murder that at some point, after already being a shitty human doing murdery things, JGY snapped hard and said: “if i’m gonna do the shitty things of running this sect i’ll do them for myself and fuck you to death”. Quite literally. 

So I’d like to imagine a world where he, like, not necessary becomes a much better person; I dunno about the JZX and WWX kill plot, or about NMJ. I think he’s very set in his auto-preservating self-beneficing ways, and if you don’t really work well with that part of his chara then he’s not JGY anymore. 

But instead of being, I’ll become the highest in the cultivation world, so i will be finally respected and listened to (uhm, didnt’ work especially well did it? they never let him forget his mother profession when it was his father who was the absolute worst) he decides that while cultivation is still something to aspire to -can’t forget about his mother dying dream, also longer life and health benefits + being a hero, doing the decent thing- he realises the cultivation sect system as it is horrible. 

He was in the middle of the war, he saw it from both sides. He then went to low to high but still a servant. And it’s always blood what counts. He sees what happens to his other bastard brothers, to WWX when he decides enough is enough, and how he himself is still treated by his Sect despite his intelligence and abilities. And instead of trying to take refuge in the system, he is a bit more self-aware or inquiring; maybe he is more idealistic in some ways? But still oh so bitter, and decides to destroy the system from within.

You know what? Do it so he still rises to Leader of the Jin Sect (without prostitutes murdering and necrophilia; he is now more on the side of the common, so maybe he gets the help of Sisi or someone he knows to aid him poison his father and after he gets them a nice reward and packs them to a new life in Japan or something. Or he simply uses another subtle method without intermediaries or with unaware ones, he is certainly able of doing that when he isnt being an ironic murderer shit.) because it’ll serve him, and to be the leader responsible of making sure the so estimated Jin blood is disposesed will make him smug pleased. To slowly gain power and bit by bit erase the division between the noble clans and people who learn simply bcs of talent, scouting youngsters witht the excuse of replenishing the clans after the war and quiting the idiots nobles from their spoiled positions. 

Hell you can even make LXC and NMJ (did he died before or after JGY becomes Sect Leader? Well if he is still alive, NHS doesn’t destroy him, but then WWX doesn’t come back. If he dies before, then the vengeance is still in play, but it’ll be even more fraughted bcs now JGY goals and methods are a lot more morally grey and watching WWX and LWJ confront that would be super interesting O-O), you can make them see those policies and be like, oh sure, that’s a good thing you’re doing A-yao. But also conflict with their positions in the nobility system, as time pases and JGY subtly passes more changes and brings to ruin those sect leaders more entrenched in the old ways and abusing of their people.

 Programs for literacy, for the spread of knowledge and the civil use of cultivation techniques with the excuse of avoiding beforehand the formation of ghosts and resentment appealing to the lazy nature of the rich while eliminating bit by bit the necessity of their existence, like boiling a frog, the creation of the watchtowers still fits nicely and we know in canon he faced oppposition there so here it’s more important still, even more so Su She I think, will be elated with this turn of events and even more loyal lmao if JGY sells it well and JGY sells his ideas really well. 

Maybe he helps XXC and SL bcs it’s in his interest they find success although he finds them naive; but JGY has a canon soft spot for people who treat him well regardless of his common born status, so. Maybe he intercedes with XY and convinces him to work with him taking out nobles reasonably (I bet XY will like that), and manages to avoid somehow XY elaborated revenge on SL and XXC? or executes him when he is too much of a wild card, but we know how that ended in canon... The best bet is making XY see on his own best interest to help in JGY vision but that’s well. almost crack fic lmao. 

OH! Maybe he finds XY before the massacre of the Chang clan bcs he is searching for someone to help him above table and gets to him by offering a more subtle but still suitable appropriate revenge with the pro bonus of getting to do the same to others after and access to WWX manuscripts. You know this has a much higher chance of working, let’s go with this scenario. So he keeps XY out of his father reach, when he is searching for someone to gain control of the stygian seal and wen ning. Yeah, this will appeal immensely to JGY xD

You know, and JGY being beloved by the people, and having more than a facade of being just or fair, but proving it although it isn't in the interest of the nobles. And as he is politics savvy, although with more effort he could certainly make it so he avoids assassinations or walking in a minefield like wwx etc. 

Depending on the NMJ situation... You could make it so NMJ doesn’t die and then they enter a stalemate of grudging respect bcs JGY wants more an ally in swaying people for his cause than his revenge, although he sure could make non lethal things to inconvenience NMJ lol. And NHS as sect leader wouldn’t have the same power to his decisions and reach, no matter if he is more manipulable; after all isn’t NHS a pampered noble in JGY eyes? Who could be sure if he even would follow JGY anyways... 

And you could give it different endings depending on the development of JGY: a success where he gets to the point were factually the sects aren’t bloods based anymore, just a few like the lan (those traditionalists lol) resisting an unavoidable wave of change taht comes for everybody, and the money doesn’t flow in their pockets like a river to the ocean but instead it goes back to the people. 

You could make it so it’s a partial success bcs JGY is still himself and does more than a few morally grey things that come to light with the NMJ murder reveal, but his changes linger and the common people plus others of the same ideal now trained and in process of being cultivators won’t let themselves be cowered by the awful nobility -another big conflict breeding, and maybe it won’t be successful but people have long memories and books and the new ideals of equality would spread regardless, so it would start again and again each time a bit better-. I think WWX POV in this case would be delicious omg, LXC conflict even more pointed. This would be, I think the more realistic and interesting to write take on the idea. Iand you now, I’m in favor of a novel setting and characterization, but to make it more painful, use the 16 gap of the show and nothing else (i haven’t see the show beyond the first episodes bcs i couldn’t take it lol)  so JGY has more time to make changes. 

You could make a downer ending (this I wouldn’t like lmao, but it’s there) so that shows the cruelty and inability of making changes to something so integrated and supported by itself, that JGY loses much to his revenge he takes more and more radical actions that come back to bit his ass with NMJ and JGS murder revelation. I think XY in here would be appropriate, in an antagonist role as in MDZS. But it still has an impact; JGY’s life, despite his faults was still more inspirational, made better impact than his canon self. Make it poetically tragic and a comment on the futility of trying to change society by oneself, but find beauty in the attempt itself which has created community, which will in the future do the true work of overthrowing the yokes of the high ups, educating and helping each other in their messy human lives.

All this ending, and JL conflict, who at this point has learnt much at his uncle JGY side, who has decided to (dunno about marrying QS and A-Song’s death. depending on your take and ending it’ll have different impact) go on with his labor bc he sees the good on it and swears to not be like the worst of JGY. A legacy he can reconcile with himself thanks too, to the experience of meeting WWX. JL is in a more fraught position with JC in this verse, I think, bc for one, he is more mature/not so spoiled and that would make JC glad, but his ideas are at the same time understable and anatema to JC who puts so much of his life on honoring the clan on making sure the Jiang carry on and his name isn’t forgotten but who recruited from nothing during the war. Who sees the danger in alienating the powers of the cultivation sects bc he saw what it did to WWX and he believes in protecting his own and to hell with the rest. 

So very interesting!!! 

You could spin so many takes from this, it’d be so fascinating and satisfying. I’d love to see the chara of JGY developed in this direction, bcs he has so much potential to waste it in so petty goals. His ambition is certainly big enough to believe he will damn well do a silent revolution well. 

Just, using the classics to argue for equality and education and a good life even if you’re a peasant, using the cultivation basis and its suppose use to better oneself and the world in making a point of avoiding wars and violent retribution (to the public, he’s still a bit of an hypocrit bcs it serves him well to have a stick with which to beat his enemies lmao) and instead use diplomacy and a sort of rehabilitation or service thing. Because those ideas are there, in the different clasics and schools of thought (not confucianism, not as much) it’s just that the nobles and high scholars were never interested and used them to argue for a sort of natural hierarchy were they’re in top. 

 Let JGY create a new school of thought, and LXC and others seeing the merit on it. JGY has the reach and the intelligence and the ability. 

The best revenge is living well and destroying the system which allowed the other to harm you, the ideas, the means. Create a fantasy fulfillment ^^

[wxsuthorn]

my experience of being insecure of my body boggles my mind lmao. tw body image.

When I lived abroad I was overweight and was constantly made fun of for being fat. I went to an international school, but there were mostly white and asian kids in my school. I was mixed and didn’t look completely white nor completely asian, so i felt a bit alienated and hated the way I looked.

Fast forward to me moving to good ol’ murica. I went to a public school and i was just figuring out my sexuality and gender identity, so lmao i felt even more alienated. Plus everyone dude in my class would randomly shout “aRe YoU aSsUmInG mY GeNdEr?!?!” and istg every day i felt homicidal rage—

lmao anyways my body image started getting worse from gender dysphoria. i just didn’t like my body cuz it didn’t match what i identified with, plus i still thought i wasn’t skinny enough. During the year i moved, my mom was always saying “dont eat this, your not eating enough, your eating to much” and blah blah blah whatever. And i was like well shit :D and on my birthday she threw away my cake and im still salty about it today >:( i had to watch my 3 friends eat my bday cake without getting any cake for myself lmaooooo. I haven’t had a birthday party since then.

A year after i moved to the states i lost weight and got wayyyy taller, so i felt happier that i was skinnier. on my finsta i would say shit like “I lost ten lbs!!” and some dude in my health class who followed me dmed me asking “r u anorexic” and i was like:

👁👄👁

lmao anyways fast forward to during quarantine: i hated my body so fucking much and i ate an estimated 500 calories a day for 2 months and lost even more weight. I was malnourished and my anxiety was getting more serious so a bunch of physical symptoms occured and i was like wtf why do i feel like i ran an marathon while choking on a fucking shoe. so i went to the doctor and got blood tested and shit and i didnt have any disease or anything like that. it was all due to mental issues and shit.

Here comes the funny part:

i kept on getting skinnier due to the semi-eating disorder-anxiety-thing but i still thought i wasn’t skinny enough. and like i was insecure cuz i didn’t have a flat stomach and that my torso was wide... but i hadn’t seen an actual human being for so long so i couldn’t really grasp what the “average human body” was supposed to look like. my dad was over weight, my mom lost 20 lbs due to diabetes and got way skinnier, my brother was 80% muscles, and im just some enby who can’t eat enough to maintain their weight. So when i come back to school after quarantine, i realised i was actually way skinner than i thought...

my friend who i thought was wayyyy skinnier than me weighed more than me and was around my same height.

i have a thigh gap and almost zero thigh cleavage compared to the people in my grade

my friend who is shorter than me is 30 lbs heavier than me and i still thought their body was “better” than mine (not implying that skinny bodies are better, i just thought that i personally had to be skinnier to be considered less ugly)

nobody could relate to me when i said shit like “ugh i hate how my scapula always scrapes against my backpack whenever i move my arm” or “i always massage my back thinking i have tight muscles but im just massaged my ribcage lmao and i still have back pain” or “i can’t sit on a non-cusiony surface other wise id feel like my bones are digging into the chair/surface lmaooo”

and these things made me realise holy shit im like... too skinny now? so i went from being insecure of my body cuz i wasn’t skinny enough to being insecure of my body cuz im too skinny lmaooooo.

[sikereviewdotcom]

undercover brother (2002) review

sup been a while but didnt forget about yall and your eager butts to dive head first right in the flooding words coming out of my mouth today gonna rev "undercover brother" (2002), its gonna be solid guys

so we start with an introduction where we talk about how black culture was losing its flavour after the 70s, progress was slowed down n all as we reached 2000 but dont be fooled, its all cause of a buncha events orchastred by "the man"... a big racist mf ig whos also the kkk equivalent of the team rocket boss, sitting in a ig chair, never see his face in the flashbacks or like the bad guy in inspector gadget, more like him ig since we actually see the team R boss face quite often nonetheless, theres a form of mystery folding this whole business... THE MAN acts in the shadows and he hates to see how dark those are, he wants things to be like it used to be back in slavery times good oltime for him but.. not for the fam

ofc then here is introduced THE REAL MAN OF MEN => undercover brother, our hero and damn he has the style of a whole pack of elephants trampling around in pink disco suits every ladies wanna a piece of that sweet fro he is packing up on his head, funky

ngl, the whole way this mov is filmed n edited is sike asf, dope guys especially considerin its actually made in 2002, loving it anyway then were also introduced to the other secondary protags who are from an organisation here to stop The Mans evil doings and careful: undercover bro was actually a solo act until now cause now they gonna collaborate all throughout da mov: its the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D, with conspiracy brother (tbh a fav here, guys wack like the whole plot guy thinks computer comes from a story involving peanut and idk guys he keeps rambling bout bs which makes him a+ character) smart brother, chief and sister girl (original name/10)

so btw the organization is on a mission rn at the beginning to destroy The Man (lets call him tm for the rest of this rev) financial infrastructure aka funds to stop him better or smthg and it gets spicy as they get caught but ofc undercover bro barges in from nowhere wow big disguise as an old man no one noticed him so like slash bawow boom vlam, bad guys ko and he squeedaddle out of there like twas breeze gg man, he also get fed a nice editing of xrays battle like with a side of kungfu n whatnot, undercover bro knows his stuff

nice sounds effects ah yes btw romantic intrigue with sister girl begins here, its the zinc of the flinch as ub (undercover brother) notices her big wink wink nudge nudge, btw later she is asked to go enlist him in the corps so he can help stop the man with them n shit and he trynna get her in his bed cause thats we this brother is used to, getting laid as soon as he meets a chick, who can resist this dude?

he gots moves, fro, style, skills and also at times he is a pussy but k, not everyones perf sometimes you just simp for a white blond blue eyed woman (spoiler) and crawls on all four looking like a big preppy nerd btw in this review im trynna not spoil the whole plot cause guys, this movie gotta be on yo watch list kay? im not here to ruin this experience in yo life itd be pretty uncool of me so im just gonna state the big lines then its up to you to swoop the tiny ones out of the watch, knot your own breds n stuff

back on the whooper slapping: intro credits roll, we get some nice back story for our hero, making sure we can understand his cause in saving the black peeps from TMs assholery might truth n justice be your guide

so what the big plot then? well yknow how a big antag cant do shit on his own cause hes too busy sticking brooms up his ass in his private quarters? yea well same goes here so there this gay guy who will be twerking later on btw, a scene to behold, rumps to ogle at, so hes a bad guy and gay n gonna do most of the dirty work for TM, whats new? idk what to think of it yknow its a stereotype in movs so ig ok still uncool but ill see it as all in good spirit cause theres bad n good im not excepting this to be the best watch of my life, nah it wasnt either, but i had a good laugh kay? makes up for it cause unlike some here i got no shit up my ass alley its clean scrubbed up n down so i can smoothly take a chillax up n a shit out without a night tormented by constipation, nah its all sliding where it should no pain no sweat

so the big lines is that a war hero whos a black man is gonna become president and wtf no is the only react racist mf could have which is what they have, bad guys gonna stop it from happening at once and the brotherhood aint letting it happens cause obvs something is wrong as every black peeps gonna turn into a stereotype like waddup in this mad world? its all because of the poisonous fried chicken brand TM will get around ty to another poison to make our war hero delusional n so on were also introduced to white evil she-ra later btw, just dropping this in cause undercover brother really wants to make oreos with her n sister girl (his words) ig shes the second love interest, im not too invested in this romantic intrigue it was just necessary not like twas very developped anyway its even more of a bedroom intrigue when it comes the the white blue eyed blond chick, sister girl before hoes yo

whats it in conclusion about this movie? first, the plot: hilarious biznasty worthy a+ bs especially how its turned yknow, the clichés were turned upside down n if not theyre just turned into a big satire of themselves editing + music ? yknow its actually good, and funky asf im digging it, a travel in time nostalgia of times i lived acting is pretty neat its not an ironically good movie cause its hilariously ridiculous in the making way its all about the plot here, plot twists and characters, the whole universe ig like its superior to big mamma sorta plot or maybe im dropping this comparison cause its been a while since i saw big maam, for sure twas under estimated while over brought when this here? it got freshness packed in

the spoiling was light and this is cause this movie got a 69/10 rating jk 8/10 if were gonna be serious, im gonna list wats unwoke n uncool here: 1 gay villain stereot, gotta be honest here its not that big of a deal tme seeing when it was made and how i still laughed yknow idc this much but some could go apeshit over it 2 not enough conspiracy brother content: this is all i ask for 3 had no snacks while watching the movie, too bad id dig a aj or grape soda right about now n then 4 more lines for car wash chicks jk this last one idc about, but car wash representation is lacking once again in american movies, i cant believe how looked over it is, as if they didnt need smore rep in the medias its not an easy job washing car all day long, standin in those ghost buster lookin suit while staring at the hot guys in hot wheelys, whos gonna pay you a drink when youre just an old carwash lady? thought finally a hero would step up in this movie but there it goes thrown out da window, the potential was real until it got blown away sure sister girl was a solid character but give the washers some credits cut them a slack of free time n have a lil date together there on top of a truck to keep it native

nonetheless this is a top rec for anyone who feels like slipping into some conspiracy slippers

tg, out

[zadentbc]

Night Classes

@ravenofredacre

The darkness of the bathroom suffocated Zaden as he lied unconscious. It had grown over the hours he slept. The clean lemon scent faded away by this time, and the air grew stuffy and hot as always. The dry heat swirled around the unconscious eye, but He doesn't have the sense to let it bother him. The drowned cellphone in the sink had sank to the bottom of it, and as result the water in the sink was to the brim. It did not help that the faucet still dripped occasionally, which would send a stream of water down onto Zaden. Much of the pills had spilled out when the sink overflowed earlier. Yet, there were still plenty still floating in the sink like a medical bowl of cereal. In third person, and with much truth, it looked like a hot murder scene.

In his mind, Zaden dreamed of incomprehensible knowledge. The room, Charleston, The thing - whatever it was. All of it together no strand between them. Zaden floated between all of these thoughts. The sudden and unexpected resting state he found himself had proven to be beneficial to his research. Well, if you could call it that.

WAKE UP

A slight breeze blows over the boy. In the middle of the sea of peace and harmony, Zaden’s eye lids lift their heavy weight. They feel dusted and old, as if they had been left out in the sun to dry He could sense the feeling of his weathered body returning to him again. The alien feeling coming shortly after. The anxiety too. In only took a bit for him to feel like he was himself again. He wanted to get up quick. Yet, his body ached and cried out in pain.

So he decided lying on the floor for a bit would be a good idea. The occasional drip of water from the faucet that often caused a land slide of water to cascade from the ceramic sink accompanied him. Zaden sometimes opened his mouth to collect it.

What was that thing? Zaden could not help but wonder as another stream of water fell from the sky again. Polsky..He didnt.. He had been in Redacre for less than a year and had encountered many strange phenomenon. But nothing like this. This was something from movies, or books. Or sometimes poorly written short stories. He couldn’t wrap his head around what he saw. He didn’t want too either.

He knew much about the weird things that happened in Redacre. He knew the importance of protecting Redacre and the consequences if it should fail. He knew the goal and purpose; He wanted the peaceful reality, and would work hard for it. After all, he promised he would make it happen, and he intended to keep his word.

Drip!

But that still never stopped him from feeling scared. He had heard stories of other eyes being kidnapped during their missions. Children being taken by a mysterious boogeyman, and people rising from the dead anew. While many do return eventually, some don’t. He knew the children could be dangerous, and that the voices were worse. He knew it was a risk whenever he went out at night, but the reward was greater than he was. Greater than anyone for that matter.

Zaden coiled his body as he slowly rose up. His bones pop and rattle as they slid back into place. The bathroom was dark after hours. Whoever closed up did not bother leaving on the lights. Albeit economical, Zaden could not help but feel a slight disrespect. Despite this, the darkness did not scare Zaden. It comforted him almost. He couldn't see what was on the other side, but it also couldn’t see him. Or.. well he hoped.

Still...how do i find my way out? Zaden sighed. He pulled out his hands and started to feel for the faucet. He felt silly just waving his hands everywhere, but it was a proven strategy. Jeez, not even a window? What if a fire happened... Who did safety regulation? Zaden moaned. Ah! There it is! His hand pressed against the metallic faucet. It was cold. He dipped his hand into the water and retrieved his phone sliding careful around the yucky pills. The water was surprisingly warm. Oh, this thing is “rek’d.”  He pulled it out.

Zaden shook the phone, and a stream of water shot out from it. Sorry CHORUS, I dropped my phone in the toilet excuse #21312312 He sighed as he stuffed the wet metal in his pocket. Speaking of stuff...my bag? Zaden felt around the floor for his backpack. And for a bit longer. Then longer. This is useless! I can’t see shit! His own breathing frustrated him at this point. 

What If I pop open the door? He almost grinned at the idea. Until he realized the potential that the bathroom door might be locked. Well, only one way to find out.. Zaden reached out his hands and pressed them against the walls and felt for a handle. It took a bit, but he found it. He pulled on it gently, hoping to not make any loud noise. Creek!

The squeaky door hinges sung a soft tune as he opens the door. At night, Central High transformed from the warm and inviting environment it brought into a dark and hellish Fort Knox. Zaden never came here after hours. It was more forbidden than most things, and a lot of things were forbidden in Redacre. He often only came after the custodians had already arrived.

In the current state. It was obvious that the they had not arrived yet. It gave Zaden a rough estimate of time for him to escape without being noticed. He crossed his fingers for a red door he could use. He wasn’t aware of any in the school, but he had seen some in the Daycare. Maybe..down..? Zaden had no idea the layout or the shape of the school. He often blacked out in between his curriculum. Fire escape map? Maybe? He continued to peek out from the bathroom, and searched for another room he might be able to enter.

The open door seeped in just enough light to see the inside of the bathroom. The backpack was nowhere to be seen. Zaden groaned. This show was become routine now, and it only tired him out. Something is out to get me.. The thought made him grit his teeth. He took a deep breath, and stepped out of the bathroom. The halls looked much larger than before. The empty shadows hid and obscured the forgotten words of the students that never returned, and if this experience had taught Zaden anything; it was that even ghosts had reasons to be afraid. Central High was turning into a mass grave, and Zaden had to do some digging. He just hoped he wouldn’t end up digging his own grave.

[dailrpwmf-blog]

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[rikkisixx]

rant ahead

so heres where im at

im still looking for work. thankfully im still getting unemployment but after rent for the month, it only leaves me about $100 a month in gas, non-food groceries, meds, bills, etc. which obvs is not enough. 

my car didnt pass deq so i have to get an estimate to find out what it will take to get it to pass. 

i had received a check just prior to being let go for my migraine study that was initially meant to pay for my plane ticket to Massachusetts where i am to be maid of honour for my best friend in july. that money all had to go toward bills. my hope was to get enough back in taxes to just cover the plane ticket and i could worry about the rest over time. 

my refund is not great but would probably cover MOST of my travel.

however, my BELOVED parents keep telling me that if i pay for this plane ticket instead of paying them back for the money they’ve loaned me during this, that, in no certain terms, ill be cut off. i respectfully informed them that i understand that my circumstances may prevent me from going, that i have time to pay them back but only one opportunity to see my best friend marry (and be the maid of fucking honour), but these words fall on deaf ears. 

i even went so far as to tell them how i am in a very dark and bad place and that wedding is giving me hope. something i desperately need. so i dont kill myself. 

pretty serious statement, even surprised me but in that moment, as it happened, i knew it was true, not just an attempt to sway their opinions. 

the next day my mother spend time with my sister. the day after that, i visited my sister, my great niece, and the puppers. i found out that my mother was still going on about being angry about the wedding, in spite of having spent NOTHING on it so far.  and in spite of my sister agreeing that this is a once in a lifetime event vs paying them back is going to take quite a bit of time anyway. and the choice to go to the wedding isnt IN LIEU of paying them back altogether, its a delay for a chunk to be repaid. 

but here’s the best part guys... after everything I said... the first thing she said to my sister about my visit...

it looks like ive gained weight.

thats right folks, step aside for parents of the year. I heard my daughter cry and tell me shes in a bad place and assure me for the 654123rd time that she hasn’t spent money on this wedding yet, but you know what i heard? or saw? FAT.

oh and it gets better! prior to the joys of tax day, my mother and other sister had spent a considerate amount of time discussing how i probably wont fit into an airline seat. My mother apparently even googled the fucking measurements for first, business and coach class seats. 

so if i dont get to go, is this how they propose to console me? well, you wouldn’t have fit anyway! no harm no foul!

but they dont get it. for one, not going would not only be DEVASTATING to me, it would be horrible for my best friend who is COUNTING ON ME. I already did my research on airlines seats and big person policies IN CASE i dont fit. cos we dont actually know if i do or not. my chub tends to stack in the front and back of me more than spilling out the sides so its possible that all ill need is a fucking seatbelt extender. 

and im sorry, when your CHILD says theyre not in a good place and even mentions suicide in passing.. .MAYBE THE FOCUS SHOULDNT BE THE WEIGHT. its certainly not out of concern for my health, ive shown them repeatedly that my lab results are excellent. and apart from some back and knee pain, my weight doesnt really have much effect on my health. MY MENTAL HEALTH ON THE OTHER HAND HAS A GREAT DEAL OF EFFECT. 

my own parents cant see past my appearance and one sister would rather join in on the gossip than lose their approval. at least thats what i suspect.

so yea. i tried to drink away the thoughts in my head last night but it didnt work. i was just sad all night long. i slept like ten hours last night. i havent been able to afford my meds in over a month either, so im sure im feeling things 465231 times greater than i need to be. 

and even tho IM okay with me, just knowing how my family sees me is like... so harmful to me. i just dont even know what to do anymore. im giving up. 

[sirveltic]

Hey hey hhey! This is my first one shot and i hope i didnt get too ooc with Mute!

Mute and rainbow six siege belongs to ubisoft, Lynx and this fanfic belongs to me!

---------

The world was rough. It could be your best friend, as well as your worse enemy. The world liked kicking innocent people in the ass to make them suffer. In that case, only the best of the best would survive, only to delve back into misery again, or, to finally get the reward of life.

Others would turn back to the world and make it suffer in return. She's heard countless screams of agony and pain, wailings of fear and heartbreak. She'd seen people get their life extinguished like a fire. She'd failed those who had fallen. All those who she swore to protect and yet, she had failed to keep them alive long enough so they could see their family again, or even see the light of another day once more.

She sighed, rubbing her forehead with a hand and tilting her head down, breathing heavily. Another one of those fucking nightmares. Not only that, her hip decided that it hadn't been an annoyance long enough, and had decided to wake her up with a violent bite to the ass.

Tiredly, the woman closed the door to the roof behind her and limped over to the railing, gripping it tightly and leaning on it, her arms trembling. With shaking hands, she reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a half-empty packet of cigarettes, bouncing it softly a few times until one of the butts perked out. Quickly, she grabbed it and placed it in between her lips, closing the packet and sliding it back in her pocket before taking out a lighter. She brought it up to the end of the cigarette and lit it up, putting the lighter back in its original place.

Finally, she felt her worries slowly begin to fade. She inhaled deeply, exhaling the smoke through her nose. She went quiet, observing the area around her.

Crickets chirped, winds blew softly and stars danced within the night sky. Everything felt so peaceful, breaking her from the harsh reality that any day, she took a step closer to death. In fact, all the operators in team Rainbow did. Some more than others for personal reasons.

The soft light of the lit cigarette illuminated her features faintly, her brown eyes never leaving the sight of the horizon. With an exhale, a small cloud of smoke blew from her nose, disappearing into the air around her. The woman's hands trembled as she placed the cigar back in between her lips and took another drag, repeating the process from before. So many things to take care of, and so little time was left. Softly, she sighed and dipped her head down, closing her eyes for just a brief moment, shivering when a soft gust of cold wind blew near her, her dark auburn hair waving in the currents.

The Romanian's eyes snapped open when she felt something get placed on her back. It wasn't heavy, and it felt like a jacket, a leather jacket with the softest wool lining in the interior she could muster to think about. She spared a glance to her side, only now noticing of the Brit that had accompanyied her to the roof.

Mute.

"Fancy seeing you here." She commented, breaking the silence. The man merely shrugged, his gaze moving to the dark blue sky on top of them, the stars reflecting off of the goggles of his gas mask. Lynx huffed, puffing out another cloud of smoke. Silence once again overcame them, the crickets taking over with their music. The woman shifted her weight from one leg to the other, wincing as she did so, a soft hiss escaping her. Fucking hip. Not one day of a break, huh?

"Didn't take you for a night owl." She said, hoping to strike a conversation with the usually silent man. He only raised his shoulders in a shrug. Lynx rose a brow, tapping the cigar lightly to let some ash fall on the ground beneath them. With that done, she inhaled more of the smoke, this time coughing it out, snuggling deeper into the leather jacket when another gust of wind blew by.

Mute gazed over at her and took a step closer, their bodies now only inches apart. Finally, he spoke after a while.

"Doc told ya t'stop smokin'." Lynx barked a weak laugh, shaking her head in amusement.

"Doc can kiss my ass with his rules." She mumbled. After all, what did the Frenchman know about what was good for her? It's not like he knew what it was like to live with a semi-healed fractured hip. Mute looked down at her hip, hidden by some sort of cushion to soften falls.

"Uncomfortable?" He asked, earning a scoff from the woman.

"In fucking agony, Mute." Mute hummed, returning back to his silence for only a short moment.

"How'd it happen?" He asked, causing the Romanian to sigh, take a drag of the cigar and breathe out the smoke through her nose. She brushed some of her hair away from her eyes, shifting her weight to the leg she had a good hip for. She shrugged.

"Some... idiots. They hit me with a bat and managed to fracture it. Doesn’t hurt as much, but it’s an annoyance." She chuckled, yet she held regret in her voice, that much, he could point out. His hidden eyes gazed back up at her face, taking in as much detail as he could, now that they weren't fighting for their lives. Though the dark did hide a few things, he could make out quite a few things. 

Like the pain she hid in her emotionless expression, but not her eyes.

"You never got to get even, did'ya?"

"…No." He rose a brow.

"I had to take care've my sister. Mama turned alcoholic after dad died, so is just me and my sis. When I turned old enough, I said 'fuck it' and moved enlisted in the army, despite her wishes. Look at where it’s got me now." She rambled on, tossing the butt of the cigar to the ground next to her and snuffing it out by stomping on it with her foot. Mute gave a nod, turning his attention back to the stars, letting her ramble on.

"Doc's a good man, but fucking hell he can stick his no smokin' rules up his ass." Lynx snickered, sliding her arms into the sleeves of the jacket and crossing her arms on the railing, leaning against it, sniffling a little. Despite the heavy smell of smoke, she could sniff faint traces of Mute's cologne on his jacket. A smell she had grown to find comforting in times like these. If only it was like this all the time. The  SAS and SIAS operators went quiet, now merely enjoying each others presence. It was, she estimated, around 2 AM, meaning she'd been on the roof for over an hour, smoking.

The woman closed her eyes, letting her unkept auburn hair dangle in front of her face as she dipped her head down.

"So, what kept you up?" She finally asked the British man, who only chuckled with the softed voice he could muster.

"The boys snore. 'Specially Smoke."

"And you don't?" Mused Lynx, nudging him a little with her hip.

"Fai' point." He mumbled, leaning next to her, his arms crossed on the railing.

"Sledge's the worst."

"Definitely. Sounds like a fucking motorcycle geeked up on speed." Mute allowed himself to snort, dipping his head down as his shoulders shook in laughter.

"The fuck's a motorcycle geeked up on speed sound like?" He asked in between laughs, looking at the Romanian, who would only shrug and snort in reply.

"Like Sledge, whaddya think?" She said, causing the Brit to bang his fist into the metal railing. Man, they truly felt like teenagers at this moment. Being able to talk shit behind the backs of their teammates, knowing they won't ever find out about the gossip. Makes the two remember the good days of their childhood, where they didn't have a care in the world and they could do whatever the hell they wanted to do.

As the laughter died down, their eyes met the darkened sky again, taking in detail every single one of the bright spots that were known as stars.

The roof always had some of the best views, tonight was no exception to this. The few clouds moved slowly to the side, never once blocking the half-moon that shone brightly, luminating the grounds that were covered in darkness. Man, he would kill to see another sunrise on this roof. The last one he saw, it had left him with peace. A truly wonderful sight to start the day with.

Lynx sniffled again, burrying her nose in the soft wool lining of the jacket. Unknowingly, she'd begun to lean on the man, looking for more warmth from his body. After making sure they were completely alone, Mute's arm slid around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He'd only ever get this affectionate when they'd be alone. And each moment was to die for.

"Thanks for the jacket, by the way."

"Figured ya'd be cold. Brought 'n extra one, just'n case." He shrugged. The corner of Lynx's lips tugged up in a smile. She lifted her head up and leaned it against his shoulder, blinking tiredly. Heh. Not even a few moments ago she was wide awake, stressed out of her mind and now? She was moments away from passing out in his arms.

The crickets had stopped chirping by now, probably entering their own slumber until the next night.

"C'mon, le's go inside. 'S gettin' cold." Mute informed, removing his hand from her waist. Lynx nodded, leaning off from the railing and arching her back, groaning in satisfaction when she heard it crack. Oh, that felt so good. The two looked at each other, Mute gesturing towards the staircase.

"Ladies first."

"Oh shut up." Lynx laughed softly, walking over to the door and opening it, making her way down the narrow, spiral stairway, Mute close behind her.

It wasn't long before they walked the spacious hall side by side, enjoying a small talk in hushed voices as they passed the dorms of the other operators. It was no secret that the British slept in the same dorm, the Russians in a separate, and so on and so on. Their boots thumped softly against the polished floor, the noise soft, barely audible.

Along the way, the two passed the lockers of the others, again, who were divided in sections, just like the dorms.

"How much are you willing to bet that Bandit keeps cocaine 'n his locker?" Asked Lynx, pointing over to the German's locker with a thumb.

"Mate, Doc's caught 'im before." Mute chuckled, shaking his head in amusement.

The trip to the lounge was short, taking only about 10 minutes, give or take. Lynx made her way to the couch and let herself drop on it, huffing as she did so. She kicked off her boots and put her feet on the coffee table, sighing in relaxation. The warmth of the base was wonderful.

Mute sat himself down next to her an arm wrapped around her shoulders, making her lean on him.

Silence. This time, the crickets weren't there to sing their song and the stars weren't dancing along. It was pure, undisturbed silence. The Brit glanced over at the clock on the wall.

2:49 AM.

It'd be a while until the others would wake up. Or at least until Jackal appeared for his daily dose of 4 cups of coffee to keep him going for the day. Thatcher? Well, knowing him, he would drag the others out of bed, quite literally, if he had to. He'd done it before and he'd do it again. It was also usually around that time that the others would wake up by the alarm clock in each one of the dorms. Sledge had broken a few before, hence why he now had to leave his sledgehammer in his locker.

Lynx chuckled at the thoughts and allowed herself to close her eyes, snuggling deeper into the leather jacket and resting her head on his chest. She inhaled deeply, then exhaled, enjoying the now stronger smell of the man's comforting cologne. Mute tilted his head back and sighed, closing his hidden eyes for the time being. Based on Lynx's slowed breathing, he could safely say that she'd fallen asleep, desoite having told him in the hall that she was done with sleeping for the night.

Tsk.

"G'night t'ya too."

[jedimasteramell]

no such thing as ethical food consumption was a painful tag to read, like its somehow altruistic to starve to death. Food out of necessity is one thing, one of the biggest reasons we eat cows is that they are so big and can feed a lot of people. I think free range cows and chickens are a wonderful thing, an animal can life its life happily, and then be use for human food consumption. Its terrible when they are kept in small terrible conditions and thats how the dogs at the festival are kept.

Look I see where youre coming from but you need to look bigger. (Also bear with me, Im on mobile and cannot link sources)Firstly unless you are going to a local farm and picking out your own animal to butcher, just because something says stuff like 'cage free' or 'free range' does not mean it has some lovely hollistic lifestyle. Aside from the legal definition being variable across countries, the USDA definition simply requires 'that egg producers be able to demonstrate that "free range" egg layers have access to the outdoors', though there is no government oversight as to the quality of the external environment, or the amount of time the hen has access to it. Same for cattle and pigs. That means if I had a chicken farm and had one 4x4 square the hens could go out in outside, I could call my eggs free range. So that definition is arbitrary and unenforced.And thats before the massive amount of destruction and pollution the meat industry causes. Its estimated about 30% of the dry earth is used for animal grazing and producing the subquality grains that go into animal feed. Thats a staggering amount of space that requires pesticides and fertilizers that run off into the water shed, promotes deforestation and the destruction of indigenous plant life, AND require fresh clean water. Between the fuel needed to develop the cattle to slaughter stage and the methane cows produce in their farts, theyre the number one cause of global warming. Small scale farms have less overall impact, but theyre forced to utilize the same avenues of production and comply with the chemical usages as defined by the USDA, FDA, or their countries equivalent. Also the commercial fishing industry, yeah not good. Then theres plant material, so vegans and vegitarians dont get an easy out either. Along with similar numbers with just how much water is used and chemicals are dumped on global crops, how deforestation especially in the amazon is a direct product of the mass food industry, increased demand for things like quinoa hurt the human cultures that rely on those staples that are now being mass harvested and sold as better alternatives for diets in 1st world countries. Plus theres the very people doing the harvesting in the US 1 out of 4 migrant farmer families makes below the poverty level (which is about 19k) and these people arent doing easy work. AND thats just the legal workers, saying nothing of the companies that use undocumentes immigrants whom they can get away with paying even less. (And this says nothing about the fact these people have no benefits and no job security). What happens in other countries I dont know, but I imagine its as bad if not worse than the US. Look I know all this sucks, and Im not saying at all you should starve, simply think about where your food comes from. We live in a capitalist world, and to save money, companies cut corners. Sometimes thats with calling a 4x4 patch of land enough to say the chickens are free range and charging an extra $1.50 a dozen, sometimes thats with importing foodstuffs from other countries at the expense of their land and workforce because it circumnavigates US worker and enviromental protections. That steak or that pile of rice, unless you grew it and didnt poision the environment, didnt divert water or cut down trees, comes at the very real expense of the people who helped produce it, the fuel used to manufacture and ship it, and the very land it was raised on, you simply have no way of knowing or ensuring what you eat is ethical. Because of this you have to pick and choose. Buy from your neighbors or local farmstands, raise the plants yourself, get products that are ethically sourced and rainforest certified. Its impossible to sustainably eat ethically, just like its impossible to 100% ethically buy your clothes, somewhere, somehow, there was a corner cut, a persons health sacrificed, a piece of the earth destroyed for profit. Just be mindful of that and dont let what you take go to waste, and dont judge other cultures for what you perpetuate yourself.

[biebervibez]

Fck Cancer.

Request: Y/N is known as Justin's girlfriend/backup dancer. These past few months have been rough for Y/N as she experiences harsh symptoms which she later understands are symptoms of cancer and she is estimated to only live until next month, now she has to tell her family, friends and Justin.

You glance slowly towards the clock. 4:57 a.m. You let out a groan before flushing the toilet for the third time this night. You weren't sure what was wrong but these past few months have been hell. You've been experiencing migraines, extreme fatigue and seem to never have an appetite. As unhealthy as it sounds, you decide to ignore it thinking it was just allergies or a phase.

You walk towards the sink and rinse out your mouth before taking a glance at yourself in the mirror. You touch you face not realizing how thin you became, you brushed the thought off thinking it was probably from appetite loss and overworking during rehearsals.

Yes, you were one of Justin's backup dancers whenever he had a concert or tour. That's also where the two of you met. Weird or romantic? You chuckle as you remember the thought of how you two met.

You walk out of the washroom, and suddely you began to lose balence. You quickly grab the chair next to you. Your grip was firm. You ngrabbed your phone on the drawer and dial Justin's number. After a few rings, he picks up. "Uh hey..." You whisper softly over the phone.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Justin says worried, you hated the fact that no matter how many times you tried to hide it, he would always know if there was something wrong.

"It's nothing. I think I just have a cold or something. Probably due to the weather." You say trying your best to sound convincing.

"Maaybe you should stay home. Don't force yourself to come to rehearsal. I'll let Scooter know, but for now you need to get some rest." Justin says gently and you couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you."

Suddenly your chest began to hurt. You clenched yor chest with your hand at an attempt to reduce the pain but it wasn't working. You tried your best to speak but no words were coming out, all you heard was Justin's muffled words over the phone.

You began to let out a cough which led to one after the other until your chest began to hurt.

After a while you finally calmed your cough down and your chest hurt less. You heard Justin call your name multiple over the phone. "Sorry something just got caught in my th-"

What the- you thought to yourself. You attention moved towards your sleeve on where you coughed and noticed the blood.

"Y/N?" Justin says annoyed but you knew he was just trying to get your attention.

"Oh sorry uhm what were you saying?" You still were focus on the blood, you felt your heart race.

"I'm going to leave rehearsals early to go buy you medicine and I'll be there to take car-"

"No!" You blurt out. "I mean no babe I swear I'm fine. I'm just going to drop by the doctors office then I'm heading straight home. You don't need to leave." You say nervously trying to persuade him that you were fine.

You didnt want Justin to agonize, that was the last thing you wanted. Besides he has a career to focus on.

"Babe-"

"It's nothing serious. I promise." You say reassuring him.

(A few weeks have passed and Y/N has been in and out of the hospital for checkups without Justin's knowledge. She finally received a call from the hospital.)

You tap your foot continuously, as you waited impatiently for the doctor to come in with the results.

What if something is wrong? You thought to yourself. You obviously didn't want to think negative but there's always a possible chance. You felt your heart skip a beat when the doctor entered. The two of you exchange 'hellos' as he takes a seat at his desk.

It was silent for a while and you felt your gut sink, something was definitely wrong.

"Ms. Y/LN I hate to say this but I have some awful news about your results..." he says lowly. Your heart was beating so fast your chest began to hurt once again.

"What are you trying to say?" You ask confused.

"I am very sorry Ms. Y/LN but you are diagnosed with lung cancer, stage 4...."

Lung cancer....stage 4?

"W-what?" You say shocked. You couldn't believe what he was saying nor did you want to believe it.

Tears began streaming down your face as you tried to comprehend what was happening but nothing seemed to focus.

"No, no, no there's got to be a mistake!" You say feeling tense. You didn't want to be convinced it was true and you pulled out every excuse you could think of to make the statement false.

"I'm really sorry, but we ran multiple tests and they all came out...positive." The doctor says. Your world came shattering and it hurt more than you could handle, physically and emotionally.

"How long do I have?" You manage to say.

"One month..."

"Justin she's just running late..." One of the staff members say. Everyone was eating breakfast but the only person who wasn't present was Y/N and Justin was beginning to fret.

"Even though, she would have answered my calls or respond to my texts..." Justin says still worried, as he dials your number once more.

"Bro, she's probably avoiding you...I know I would if you called me that many times...." Ryan, Justin's best friend says jokingly.

"Shut the hell up Ry" Justin says before shooting him a glare.

"He's just moody because he didn't get any morning sugar..." another member calls out causing the whole crew to burst in laughter.

"I fucking hate you guys!" Justin says with a stern tone but he can't help but crack a smile.

(An hour has passed and the crew is packing up)

"There she is!" You head one of the dancers call out. Instantaneously all eyes were on you.

"Babe! Where were you?" Justin says as he jogs towards you worried.

"I'm sorry I'm late, it's just uh-"

"Is everything okay Y/N?" Scooter asks worried aswell. You look at both of them as you place a fake smile reassuring them.

"Uh yeah I just had to drop something off at my moms place and it took longer than I expected..."

I lied I know but what I couldn't do it, you thought to yourself.

"Hey..." Justin whispers as he places his hand gently on your face causing you to look at him. "Are you sure everything's okay? You look pale-"

"I swear I'm okay!" You yell. You didn't mean to raise you voice, it wasn't your intention but all the questions made you feel sick. You sigh, avoiding eye contact. "I'll just go talk to the choreographer to see what I missed. Excuse me." You say before excusing yourself, walking towards the choreographer.

Scooter walks towards Justin, confused. "Is Y/N alright?"

"I honestly have no clue..."

You take a break from stretching as you see Scooter standing near the doorway.

"Hey Y/N? Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asks motioning you to come with him to the hall.

"Uh sure..." you say, slightly confused. Scooter has never interrupted a rehearsal unless it was about something important. You jog towards Scooter. "What's up?" You say curiously.

Scooter take a few deep breaths and it was starting to make you worry. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

"Yeah of course, Scoot you're like my dad." And it was true, Scooter was the closest thing to a father figure ever since your real father left. You knew what you said was a lie but you didn't have the strength to tell him the truth.

Scooter looks at you unconvinced before taking another deep breath. "Look, I've notice earlier you looked awful...no offence."

"Wow thanks." You say offended.

"Wait. Let me finish." He says and you knew he was was being serious. "I couldn't help but stare at your wrist, you had a hospital band?" He asks and your heart stopped.

"No I uh was just getting a checkup, I had a really bad cold and I thought I was coming down with somethig." You lie, once again.

"I did some digging and Y/N you've been in and out of the hospital these past few months-"

"Scoot!" You yell, out of all people you didn't expect Scootet to be the person to go behind your back and do some research. "You have no right-"

"I do! I have the right to know if something is wrong with your health. Now tell me what the hell is going on?" Scooter yells furiously. You were taken back, Scooter never yelled at you, and you have to admit you felt hurt and ashamed for keeping the secret from everyone.

You take a deep breath. You felt tears peak at the corner of your eyes.

"I have stage 4 lung cancer..." you say vulnerably. You couldn't even look at him once you said it, it hurt too much. "One month Scoot, that's all I have." Your voice was shaking and your eyes became so watery all you saw were you tears repetively coming down.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Scooter says almost in a whisper and you knew he was hurt.

"I was scared..." you say truthfully before looking down.

"Y/N you can't keep something like this..."

"I'm sorry..." you sob once again and Scooter immediately pulls you in for a hug. He silently wipes his own tears.

"You need to tell the others....especially Justin."

(Y/N finally told everyone, family and friends about her illness except for Justin).

"What's going on?" Justin asks agonized but no one answered. He quickly walks towards you. "Why are you crying?"

You began to cry, more than you have today. You didn't know how to tell him or how he was going to react. If he was going to be upset or angry? You didn't want to know.

After a while you finally gained the courage.

You look him in the eyes and take a deep breath.

"I've been diaganosed with cancer..."

"W-what?" Justin says shocked.

"Stage 4, lung cancer...." you felt tears streaming down your face once more.

Justin runs his fingers through his hair, his jaw was clenched and he couldn't even look at you after many attempts to get his attention.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Justin says raising his voice. You were taken back by his sudden outburst but understood he was just hurt.

"I was going to-" you begin to say but immediately get cut off by Justin.

Justin chuckles sarcastically, "When? The moment you're gone? What did you expect was going to happen? That you would just be gone, some random person will explain it to me and everything would be okay?" He yells as tears were running down his face.

You felt sudden guilt, you hated to see him like that.

"Justin, take it easy..." one of Justin's staff members call out.

"No!" Justin yells, everyone was now staring at us. "How the hell can I take it easy knowing my own girlfriend isn't going to be here with me the next few months..."

That hit you. Did he expect this to be easy for me aswell? You thought to yourself.

"Jay..." you say gently as you try to hold his hand but he pushes you away.

"I can't do this right now..." Justin immediately leaves the room, a few of the members plus Scooter follow him out.

"Justin!" You call out as tears ran down your face.

Your head choreographer walks up beside you and wraps his arms around you. "Just let him be, he needs time to adjust, its a lot to take in."

You nod simply before getting ready for the show.

Justin was midway through his last song of the night. You danced and gave it your all, afraid that it was your last.

Suddenly, the music stops.

You stop dancing as you look at the other dancers confused and wondering if you should keep going. You watch as Justin adjusts his mic before centering himself on stage.

"Hey guys...." Justin says and the crowd goes wild causing you to chuckle. "Change of plans tonight I want to dedicate this show not just to you guys but to my girlfriend aswell...." he says as he turns to look at you, the crowd erupts into "aw's" and excitement. You look at him shocked but you show him a smile to show your appreciation. He takes a while before speaking up. "Horrible news came up and my reaction wasn't the best nor was it supportive, I was angry, hurt and bitter." His voice was shaky and he kept looking at the floor. "Now I just want to do something special for her, so before the show I had help from my amazing friends and crew to put up this tribute video of Y/N it took a long time but every part is worth it... I hope while I play this tribut I hope you keep a small place for Y/N in your prayers and she needs all your love and support tonight. I know you may all be wondering what the hell is going on? That's for Y/N to personally tell you guys when she's ready but all I'm asking is to pray for her and for your moral support". Justin turns around towards you and smiles. "So babe do you mind joining me over here?" The crowd goes crazy and you can't help but smile, you let out a few laughs before heading towards him.

You suddenly hear the music to "Be Alright" one of your all time favourites begin to play. You felt tears streaming down your face but this time they were happy tears.

Justin begins to sing and you cant' help but melt at the sound of his voice. As he sings, he would wipe away your tears, hold your hand and pretend to dance with you on stage causing you to laugh.

He then turns you around to watch the video and it just made you cry more as you watch your closest friends and family giving you motivation to keep fighting.

"Everything's gonna be alright...." Justin sings the last few words before pulling you in a hug. The crowd erupts into screams once more. You whisper in his ear "thank you" before hugging him back tighter.

As the screams die down you both pull away, but Justin grabs your hands.

"I love you and nothing's going to keep us apart not even what you're going through right now. You're not alone baby, I promise".

You gently grab Justin's face before pulling him in for a kiss.

"I love you Jay....thank you."

Fuck cancer.

Requested by @yoshieeperez

Enjoy! Send me your requests!!

[keenongreenrecycle]

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[trendingnewsb]

I could hear things, and Icould feel terrible pain: when anaesthesia fails

The long read: Anaesthesia remains a mysterious and inexact science and thousands of patients still wake up on the operating table every year

When Rachel Benmayor was admitted to hospital, eight and a half months pregnant, in 1990, her blood pressure had been alarmingly high and her doctor had told her to stay in bed and get as much rest as possible before the baby came. But her blood pressure kept rising this condition, known as pre-eclampsia, is not uncommon but can lead to sometimes-fatal complications and the doctors decided to induce the birth. When her cervix failed to dilate properly after 17 hours of labour, they decided instead to deliver the child by caesarean section under general anaesthetic. Rachel remembers being wheeled into the operating theatre. She remembers the mask, the gas. But then, as the surgeon made the first incision, she woke up.

I remember going on to the operating table, she told me. I remember an injection in my arm, and I remember the gas going over, and Glenn, my partner, and Sue, my midwife, standing beside me. And then I blacked out. And then the first thing I can remember is being conscious, basically, of pain. And being conscious of a sound that was loud and then echoed away. A rhythmical sound, almost like a ticking, or a tapping. And pain. I remember feeling a most incredible pressure on my belly, as though a truck was driving back and forth, back and forth across it.

A few months after the operation, someone explained to Rachel that when you open up the abdominal cavity, the air rushing on to the unprotected internal organs gives rise to a feeling of great pressure. But in that moment, lying there in surgery, she still had no idea what was happening. She thought she had been in a car accident. All I knew was that I could hear things and that I could feel the most terrible pain. I didnt know where I was. I didnt know I was having an operation. I was just conscious of the pain.

Every day, specialist doctors known as anaesthetists (or, in the US, anesthesiologists) put hundreds of thousands of people into chemical comas to enable other doctors to enter and alter our insides. Then they bring us back again. But quite how this daily extinction happens and un-happens remains uncertain. Researchers know that a general anaesthetic acts on the central nervous system reacting with the slick membranes of the nerve cells in the brain to suspend responses such as sight, touch and awareness. But they still cant agree on just what it is that happens in those areas of the brain, or which of the things that happen matter the most, or why they sometimes happen differently with different anaesthetics, or even on the manner a sunset? an eclipse? in which the human brain segues from conscious to not.

Nor, as it turns out, can anaesthetists accurately measure what it is they do.

For as long as doctors have been sending people under, they have been trying to fathom exactly how deep they have sent them. In the early days, this meant relying on signals from the body; later, on calculations based on the concentration in the blood of the various gases used. Recent years have seen the development of brain monitors that translate the brains electrical activity into a numeric scale a de facto consciousness meter. For all that, doctors still have no way of knowing for sure how deeply an individual patient is anaesthetised or even if that person is unconscious at all.

Anaesthetists have at their disposal a regularly changing array of mind-altering drugs some inhalable, some injectable, some short-acting, some long, some narcotic, some hallucinogenic which act in different and often uncertain ways on different parts of the brain. Some such as ether, nitrous oxide (better known as laughing gas) and, more recently, ketamine moonlight as party drugs. (If you have an inclination to travel, take the ether you go beyond the furthest star, wrote the American philosopher-poet Henry David Thoreau after inhaling the drug for the fitting of his false teeth.) Different anaesthetists mix up different combinations. Each has a favourite recipe. There is no standard dose.

Todays anaesthetic cocktails have three main elements: hypnotics designed to render you unconscious and keep you that way; analgesics to control pain; and, in many cases, a muscle relaxant (neuromuscular blockade) that prevents you from moving on the operating table. Hypnotics such as ether, nitrous oxide and their modern pharmaceutical equivalents are powerful drugs and not very discriminating. In blotting out consciousness, they can suppress not only the senses, but also the cardiovascular system: heart rate, blood pressure the bodys engine. When you take your old dog on its last journey, your vet will use an overdose of hypnotics to put him down. Every time you have a general anaesthetic, you take a trip towards death and back. The more hypnotics your doctor puts in, the longer you take to recover, and the more likely it is that something will go wrong. The less your doctor puts in, the more likely that you will wake. It is a balancing act, and anaesthetists are very good at it. But it doesnt alter the fact that for as long as anaesthetists have been putting them to sleep, patients have been waking during surgery.

As Rachels caesarean proceeded, she became aware of voices, though not of what was being said. She realised that she was not breathing, and started trying to inhale. I was just trying desperately to breathe, to breathe in. I realised that if I didnt breathe soon, I was going to die, she told me.

She didnt know there was a machine breathing for her. In the end I realised that I couldnt breathe, and that I should just let happen what was going to happen, so I stopped fighting it. By now, however, she was in panic. I couldnt cope with the pain. It seemed to be going on and on and on, and I didnt know what it was. Then she started hearing the voices again. And this time she could understand them. I could hear them talking about things about people, what they did on the weekend, and then I could hear them saying, Oh look, here she is, here the baby is, and things like that, and I realised then that I was conscious during the operation. I tried to start letting them know at that point. I tried moving, and I realised that I was totally and completely paralysed.

The chances of this happening to you or me are remote and, with advances in monitoring equipment, considerably more remote than 25 years ago. Figures vary (sometimes wildly, depending in part on how they are gathered) but big American and European studies using structured post-operative interviews have shown that one to two patients in 1,000 report waking under anaesthesia. More, it seems, in China. More again in Spain. Twenty to forty thousand people are estimated to remember waking each year in the US alone. Of these, only a small proportion are likely to feel pain, let alone the sort of agonies described above. But the impact can be devastating.

For Rachel, sleepless and terrified in her hospital room, it was the beginning of years of nightmares, panic attacks and psychiatric therapy. Soon after she gave birth, her blood pressure soared. I was in a hell of a state, she told me.

For weeks after she returned home, she would have panic attacks during which she felt she couldnt breathe. Although she says the hospital acknowledged the mistake and the superintendent apologised to her, beyond that she does not recall getting any help from the institution no explanation or counselling or offer of compensation. It did not occur to her to ask.

Things can go wrong. Equipment can fail a faulty monitor, a leaking tube. Certain operations caesareans, heart and trauma surgery require relatively light anaesthetics, and there the risk is increased as much as tenfold. One study in the 1980s found that close to half of those interviewed after trauma surgery remembered parts of the operation, although these days, with better drugs and monitoring, the figure for high-risk surgery is generally estimated at closer to one in 100. Certain types of anaesthetics (those delivered into your bloodstream, rather than those you inhale) raise the risk if used alone. Certain types of people, too, are more likely to wake during surgery: women, fat people, redheads; drug abusers, particularly if they dont mention their history. Children wake far more often than adults, but dont seem to be as concerned about it (or perhaps are less likely to discuss it). Some people may simply have a genetic predisposition to awareness. Human error plays a part.

But even without all this, anaesthesia remains an inexact science. An amount that will put one robust young man out cold will leave another still chatting to surgeons. More than a decade ago, I found this quote in an introductory anaesthesia paper on a University of Sydney website: There is no way that we can be sure that a given patient is asleep, particularly once they are paralysed and cannot move.

Last time I searched, the paper had been adjusted slightly to acknowledge recent advances in brain monitoring, but the message remained the same: just because a person appears to be unconscious, it does not mean they are.

In a way, continued the original version of the paper, the art of anaesthesia is a sophisticated form of guesswork. It really is art more than science We try to give the right doses of the right drugs and hope the patient is unconscious.

The death rate from general anaesthesia has dropped in the past 30 years, from about one in 20,000 to one or two in 200,000; and the incidence of awareness from one or two cases per 100 to one or two per 1,000. Obviously we give anaesthetics and weve got very good control over it, a senior anaesthetist told me, but in real philosophical and physiological terms, we dont know how anaesthesia works.

It is perhaps the most brilliant and baffling gift of modern medicine: the disappearing act that enables doctors and dentists to carry out surgery and other procedures that would otherwise be impossibly, often fatally, painful.

The term anaesthesia was appropriated from the Greek by New England physician and poet Oliver Wendell Holmes in 1846, to describe the effect of the drug ether following its first successful public demonstration in surgery. Anaesthetise: to render insensible. These days there are other sorts of anaesthetics that can numb a tooth or a torso, simply (or unsimply) by switching off the nerves in the relevant part of the body. But the most widespread and intriguing application of this skill is what is now known as general anaesthesia.

The first public demonstration of the use of inhaled ether as a surgical anaesthetic in 1846 by an American dentist, William Thomas Green Morton. Photograph: Design Pics Inc/Rex/Shutterstock

In general anaesthesia, it is not the nerve endings that are switched off, but your brain or, at least, parts of it. These, it seems, include the connections that somehow enable the operation of our sense of self, or (loosely) consciousness, as well as the parts of the brain responsible for processing messages from the nerves telling us we are in pain: the neurological equivalent of shooting the messenger. Which is, of course, a good thing.

I am one of the hundreds of millions of humans alive today who have undergone a general anaesthetic. It is an experience now so common as to be mundane. Anaesthesia has become a remarkably safe endeavour: less an event than a short and unremarkable hiatus. The fact that this hiatus has been possible for fewer than two of the 2,000 or so centuries of human history; the fact that only since then have we been able to routinely undergo such violent bodily assaults and survive; the fact that anaesthetics themselves are potent and sometimes unpredictable drugs all this seems to have been largely forgotten. Anaesthesia has freed surgeons to saw like carpenters through the bony fortress of the ribs. It has made it possible for a doctor to hold in her hand a steadily beating heart. It is a powerful gift. But what exactly is it?

Part of the difficulty in talking about anaesthesia is that any discussion veers almost immediately on to the mystery of consciousness. And despite a renewed focus in recent decades, scientists cannot yet even agree on the terms of that debate, let alone settle it.

Is consciousness one state or many? Can it be wholly explained in terms of specific brain regions and processes, or is it something more? Is it even a mystery? Or just an unsolved puzzle? And in either case, can any single explanation account for a spectrum of experience that includes both sentience (what it feels like to experience sound, sensation, colour) and self-awareness (what it feels like to be me the subjective certainty of my own existence)? Anaesthetists point out that you dont have to know how an engine works to drive a car. But stray off the bitumen, and it is surprising how quickly pharmacology and neurology give way to philosophy: if a scalpel cuts into an unconscious body, can it still cause pain? And then ethics: if, under anaesthesia, you feel pain but forget it almost in the moment, does it matter?

Greg Deacon, a former head of the Australian Society of Anaesthetists, told me about a patient who was waiting to have open heart surgery. Deacon had been preparing to anaesthetise him, he said, when the man went into cardiac arrest. The team managed to restart the recalcitrant heart, then raced the patient into surgery, where they operated immediately. It was only once the operation had begun, the mans heart now beating steadily, that they could safely administer an anaesthetic. It all went well, said Deacon, and the man made an excellent recovery. Some days later, the patient told doctors he remembered the early parts of the procedure before he was given the drugs.

That is a sort of incidence of awareness which was thoroughly understandable and acceptable, Deacon told me: he had not even known if the mans brain was still working, let alone whether he would survive an anaesthetic. We were trying to keep him alive.

This is not denial. This is the tightrope that anaesthetists walk every day. They just tend not to talk about it.

In 2004, and against a backdrop of growing public and media concern, Americas Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations finally issued an alert to more than 15,000 of the nations hospitals and healthcare providers. The commission, which evaluates healthcare providers, acknowledged that the experience of awareness in anaesthesia was under-recognised and under-treated, and called on all healthcare providers to start educating staff about the problem.

The American Society of Anesthesiologists subsequently acknowledged, in a 2006 practice advisory, that accidental intraoperative awareness, while rare, might be followed by significant psychological sequelae and affected patients may remain severely disabled for extended periods of time.

Before that acknowledgment was published, however, then ASA president Roger Litwiller made a small but telling observation. Despite his organisations concern about anaesthetic awareness, he did not want the issue to be blown out of proportion: I would also like to say that there is a potential for this subject of awareness to be sensationalised. We are concerned that patients become unduly frightened during what is already a very emotional time for them.

This is the anaesthetists dilemma. Under stress which affects just about everybody facing a general anaesthetic we lose our ability and often desire to process complex information. More than half of all patients worry about pain, paralysis and distress. High anxiety or resistance to the idea of anaesthesia may even contribute to anaesthetics failing, or at least increase the chances that we will remember parts of the operation. The more anxious we are, the more anaesthetic it may take to put us to sleep.

This creates a quandary for doctors: how much to tell? When we are anxious, our bodies increase production of adrenaline-type substances called catecholamines. These can react badly with some anaesthetic agents. So what does an anaesthetist tell a patient who, because of the type of operation, or their state of health, is at higher than average risk?

I mean, were trying to make people not worry about it, said one Australian anaesthetist I spoke with, but in the process I think we blur it so much that people hardly ever think about it, and thats probably not right either Should I be telling you that youve got a high risk of death? Is that going to frighten you to death?

Today the profession makes much of the emergence of a new generation of anaesthetists who are more attuned to the experiences of their patients. But the reality is that anaesthetists remain for the large part the invisible men and women of surgery. Many patients still dont meet them until just before or sometimes after the operation, and many, muffled in a fug of drugs, might not even remember these meetings. Nor do anaesthetists generally leave anything to show for their work: no scars or prognoses. When they do leave evidence, it is invariably unwelcome nausea, a raw throat, sometimes a tooth chipped as the breathing tube is inserted, sometimes a memory of the surgery. It is unsurprising, then, that by the time an anaesthetist makes it into the popular media, he or she is generally accompanied by a lawyer.

For the doctors who each day make possible the miraculous vanishing act at the heart of modern surgery, this invisibility can be galling. It is not surgeons who have enabled the proliferation of surgical operations numbering in the hundreds 170-odd years ago and the hundreds of millions today. It is anaesthetists. In hospital emergency rooms in Australia and other countries, it is not surgeons who decide which patient is most in need of and mostly likely to survive emergency surgery: anaesthetists increasingly oversee the pragmatic hierarchy of triage. And if you have an operation, although it is your surgeon who manages the moist, intricate mechanics of the matter, it is your anaesthetist who keeps you alive.

One of the first articles I came across when I started researching this subject was a 1998 paper by British psychologist Michael Wang entitled Inadequate Anaesthesia as a Cause of Psychopathology. Wang pointed out that pain even unexpectedly severe pain did not necessarily lead to trauma. Post-traumatic stress seldom followed childbirth, for example. What could be devastating, he said, was the totally unexpected experience of complete paralysis.

Even today, most patients undergoing major surgery have no idea that part of the anaesthetic mix will be a modern pharmaceutical version of curare, a poison derived from a South American plant, which causes paralysis. Few will be aware, either, that during surgery their eyes will be taped shut, that they may be tied down, and that they will have a plastic tube manoeuvred into their reluctant airway, past the soft palate and the vocal cords, overriding the gag reflex, and into the windpipe.

An anaesthetist checking a patients pupil to gauge the effect of an anaesthetic. Photograph: Cornell Capa/The Life Picture Collection/Getty Images

For the patient paralysed upon the table, said Wang, [t]he realisation of consciousness of which theatre staff are evidently oblivious, along with increasingly frenetic yet futile attempts to signal with various body parts, leads rapidly to the conclusion that something has gone seriously wrong. The patient might believe that the surgeon has accidentally severed the spinal cord, or that some unusual drug reaction has occurred, rendering her totally paralysed, not just during the surgery, but for the rest of her life.

As soon as anaesthetists explain to patients how the process works, it all starts to seem a lot less mysterious. And talk, it turns out, is not only cheap but effective: a preoperative visit from an anaesthetist has been shown to be better than a tranquilliser at keeping patients calm. I know from my own experience I had surgery on my spine how reassuring such a conversation can be. For me, it was not just the information; it was the fact of the human contact, of being treated as an equal, of being included, rather than feeling like an appendage to a process to which I was, after all, central.

Hank Bennett, an American psychologist, remembers a young girl whose mother brought her to see him some time after the girl had her adenoids removed. The surgeon referred the mother to Bennett after she had returned to him in a state of anxiety about her child. The surgery had been straightforward, but the mother felt that something was very wrong with her previously happy daughter: the child had withdrawn from her family and friends, and had stopped working at school. She could no longer fall asleep without her mother sitting with her, and was afraid of the dark.

Bennett spoke with the girl. He told her there must be a reason she had changed her behaviour, and asked if it might have something to do with the operation.

Bennett recalled: And she said, Yes. They saidthat they were going to put me to sleep, but the next thing I knew, I couldnt breathe. Now, she was only momentarily like that she does not remember the breathing tube going in but when I asked why she was doing these things differently at school and at home, she said: Well, I have to concentrate and I cant be bothered by anything. Ive got to make sure that I can breathe.

Bennett referred the girl to a child psychologist, and within weeks she was back to herself. Today she would be approaching middle age. But lets say that was just luck, Bennett says now. What if nothing had been picked up about that? Would she have been permanently changed? I think that you would say, yes, she probably would have been.

So if you were my anaesthetist and I your patient, there are some other things Id hope you would do in the operating theatre. Things that many already do. Be kind. Talk to me. Just a bit of information and reassurance. Use my name. Patients who remember waking are often greatly relieved at having been told what was happening to them, and reassured that this was OK and that they would now drift back to sleep.

The Fifth National Audit Project on accidental awareness during general anaesthesia states: The patients interpretation of what is happening at the time of the awareness seems central to its later impact; explanation and reassurance during suspected accidental awareness during general anaesthesia or at the time of report seems beneficial. Hospital staff could put a sign on the wall of the operating theatre: The patient can hear. Because one of the strange things about anaesthetic drugs is that they can exert their effect in each direction not just upon the patient, but upon the doctors and theatre staff performing the procedure.

After the teenage son of a good friend was badly burned in an accident some years ago, he had to endure weeks of intense pain, culminating each week in the agonising ritual of nurses changing the dressings on his chest and arms. They did this by giving him a dose of a sedative drug designed to distract him from the pain and prevent him remembering it. My friend would attempt to comfort her son as he yelled and as the nurses got on with their difficult task. What she observed was that while the drugs did give her son some distance from his pain, and certainly his memories of it, they also gave the nurses some distance from her son. It was an understandable, perhaps necessary, distance; but inherent in that tiny retreat (the lack of eye contact, the too-bright voices) was a loosening of the tiny filaments that connect us one to another, and through which we know we are connected.

It is a process inevitably magnified in the operating theatre, where the patient is silent and still, to all intents absent, and where their descent into unconsciousness is routinely accompanied by the sounds of the music being cranked up (one prominent Australian surgeon is said to favour heavy metal), and conversation. It need not take a scientific study to tell us that this deepening of respect and focus is good not only for patients, but for doctors, too. In the end, it might not even much matter what you say. During an operation, a soothing voice may be more important than what the voice says, writes psychologist John Kihlstrom, who still encourages anaesthetists to talk to their anaesthetised patients (about what is going on, giving reassurance, things like that) but acknowledges that he doesnt expect them to understand any of it not verbally at least.

Japanese anaesthetist Jiro Kurata calls this care of the soul. In an unusual and rather lovely paper delivered at the Ninth International Symposium on Memory and Awareness in Anaesthesia in 2015, he wondered if there might be part of our existence that cannot ever be shut down, which we cannot even conceive by ourselves a subconscious self that might be resistant to even high doses of anaesthetics. He called this the hard problem of anaesthesia awareness. I have no idea what his colleagues made of it. But his conclusion seems unassailable.

Any solution? Science? Yes and no. Monitoring? Yes and no. Respect? Yes. We must not only be aware of the inherent limitation of science and technology but, most importantly, also of the inherent dignity of each personal self.

Anaesthesia: The Gift of Oblivion and the Mystery of Consciousness by Kate Cole-Adams (Text Publishing Company, 12.99) is published on 22 February. To order a copy for 9.99, go to guardianbookshop.com

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Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/feb/09/i-could-hear-things-and-i-could-feel-terrible-pain-when-anaesthesia-fails

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[priestcatte-blog]

Sini’s Dark Knight story part 4

Sini would now leave the mansion more often, not only to go visit his love in the Goblet, but also to meet with the Dark Knight in La Noscea, to train away from prying eyes several times a week. The Jackals would not like having a broody stranger around the mansion and garden, and the wilderness had much more space and privacy. As per the Knights advice, Sini fought with a simple greatsword now that Bert had made for him, and he was slowly making progress.

It was a truly cheesy name, Dark Knight, Sini thought to himself as he crossed swords with the older Keeper again, but he couldnt think of a better name. The man had told Sini his name by now, Ome'a Molkot, but being mentor and pupil Sini wasn't gonna call him that. And the guy was clad in a blackened heavy armor after all... Sini had asked him once why, and the reply had been: "There are several like me, i know that much, but they don't all look like 'Dark Knights'. That's just a name people made up because it's so ominous and mysterious. And many of us are not much liked either. But i digress... this armors colour is just coincidence, personal preference. Some look like normal Knights. Some look nothing like Knights at all, more like commoners, but that doesn't change what they are and do." Sini already knew what they all had in common, the fight against injustice and the use of the so called 'dark arts', a technique they developed in Ishgard in secrecy. Sini knew that much already, so he didnt have to ask his mentor about that. He had already made some visits to Ishgard, to see the seminarium and learn more about the ishgardian way of priesthood, and at these occasions he secretly looked some of the stories about these 'Dark Knights' up.

He would ask about the Dark Arts at some point, maybe, probably... he didn't plan to yet. For now it was important to simply learn how to fight well with a greatsword and armor. Sini had told him about his first succesful, real fight. It had been on the bridge in lower La Noscea, where Sini and Shin, together with some friends of hers, had to fight off a group of scoundrels who wanted to get rid of her. Among these, Sini succesfully fought and killed a Hyur with a greatsword, an Elezen swordsman and a Roegadyn with an axe. All in teamwork with Shin and her friends of course. Why all Roes seemed to fight with axes was a curiosum that probably would keep puzzling scholars for ages... In any case, this earned Sini the approval and respect of his mentor. Good job and keep it up, the usual words one would expect. But also "Seems i were not wrong with my estimation of you." Well that was nice to hear.

But training would continue further of course, and so it did on this day too. Although Sini didn't seem very concentrated. They were sparring, training moves and reactions, as his mentors sword slammed against the protection on Sini's upper right arm. They lowered their weapons and Ome'a took off his helmet. "Get yourself together, you are not really here, not in the fight with your thoughts! Are you thinking about your sweetheart again?" Sini held his right arm in pain, but a wide grin spread on his lips nonetheless as he thought about Shin. He could hear Ome mumble something about "worst priest...", but Sini shook his head. "No... no, it's not her, actually... we got trouble in our company. Nothing i should share with outsiders..." The older Miqo'te nodded, and gestured him to follow him to the side, where they took a break standing in the shadow beneath a tree. "Yeah, thats understandable... but it eats at you, it seems." Sini leaned his sword against the bark, and rubbed his neck while looking away. "Yeah, well... it's someone i don't have a problem with usually... her name is Thya. You fought with her in the job you gave us." He nodded again, remembering. His interest was peaked. "Ah, yes... i do remember her. Fights similar to me, i am quite curious how she learned the arts... but it's not that which worries you, right? You knew about that." "Yeah... you cannot miss it when fighting with her, and i did. But no... it's something else. I just... i won't talk about it. But i feel like i cannot trust her anymore. For Reasons i cannot disclose. And that makes everything... complicated of course... I still have to work with her. Wavering trust is a problem, but i see no way how this can be solved easily." "Hm... yeah... thats bad..." The old man sat down, his armor creaking a little. He flicked his black furred ears and looked back to Limsa Lominsa, the cityscape visible in the distance. They fell silent for a moment, with only the sound of the wind and the sheep grazing nearby reaching their ears.

"I will be honest, i don't know a simple solution either. Or any advice. It's a shitty situation, but there's no help beside her regaining your trust. However she could accomplish that, i don't know the details..." Sini sighed, running a hand throuhg his grey hair and sitting down with his back against the tree. "I know... i will figure something out." Ome'a suddenly grinned, and looked back to Sini'to. "Heh, i was gonna say, i can maybe give you something to distract you from that. But i guess you have plenty of distraction with your sweetheart already, whenever you want." Sini smiled again. Yes, he had been very happy lately, before the thoughts about Thya and her family clouded his mind, but it had been pretty obvious still. And it was a nice feeling to see when people were happy for him. "But i am a curious sort... you can still show me. What did you have in mind?"

The old man reached for something under his armor, a little bag that he seemingly always had close to his body. He opened it and took a small black crystal out, adorned with a golden symbol. It was fitting into his palm perfectly. "Do you know what this is?" Sini straightened up a little, raising his brows. "Yes... that's a soulstone, no? I heard they are pretty rare. But i read about them. That little symbol differentiates it from a gem." Ome'a nodded. "Yes, smart one. It's my soulstone. I got this one from my master, the one who picked me up from the brume after my mother died and trained me. He got it from his master and where he got it from, i have no idea. I assume some Knights just started to make these, like other soulstones that are around, to pass them on. Like we do with our art. Master, apprentice, master, apprentice, and so on... So you know what it can do." Sini leaned forward, inspecting the stone curiously. He nodded slowly, hesitant. "Yes... i assume it could allow someone to learn your dark arts, as you called them... i have spoken with Thya about it once. She said it's a dark force inside you, that you can harness to empower yourself, but you have to be careful... the price to pay is an internal struggle. She called it a voice in your head, that speaks to you and wants to make you do things, or even take over herself... but then again it's not really just some voice, it's still you. It's another you, but still you. Part of you. She said it's hard to describe..." "Hmm, yes..." The black haired keeper held the small stone up betwen his index and thumb, tilting his head a little as he watched it. It was slightly heart shaped and deep black, like the purest Onyx Sini had ever seen, the light shining on its polished surface. "That's one way to put it. I also heard it does differ from person to person, and manifests differently for different people. She is right, it's nothing from outside, it's all you. So you don't need to worry about that, you don't get a voice in your head. It is like... urges and desire. You know? We all have urges, but of course, we don't just give in to them. We are civilized, we know what we can do and what we better shouldn't do. We fight our urges. It is like that, just stronger. Go ahead, bash that guys face in. He deserves it! Make him pay. Who cares about the people staring? Just let him feel the pain, pay him back tenfold, nay, hundred! Like that. For example."

He was very calm as he talked about it like that, and Sini watched him with a frown, not sure what to think. "You can control it. You learn that. It's not much different then than controling our daily urges. It's just when we tire and slip that it gets dangerous. If the urges take control of us, if we go and bash that guys head in, we have to live with the consequences. But... the powers it can grant are very, very useful... you might have already seen some of the things one can do with it from your friend Thya." He held it out for Sini, looking him straight in the eyes. "You'll have already guessed it by now, i want to give it to you. I had an apprentice once, but he died, and now im old and dont want to go through that again, and i dont know if i would even live long enough. But you are smart, you are capable, and you can make good use of the things i show and teach you. You're not a warrior, but a mage... you have to learn to fight, but the powers and magics you will learn with this stone will be much easier for you, i am sure. You are smart, you can figure it out. And i figure using the magics the dark arts grant will be very useful for you. You can, no you must incorporate them into your fighting. That's what makes a 'so called Dark Knight' much better than any other ordinary fighter. You could use magical shields, for example. But as said, you'll prolly have seen from your friend what else it can do..."

Sini was staring at the stone with a frown. He was clearly hesitant, reaching out but not taking it yet. "I don't know... Thya said there's no going back." Ome'a shrugged. "That's true, i guess. I never tried. But yeah, i guess think good about it. Go ahead, you can take it, it wont just go and imbue you with scary dark powers. It won't do anything unless you concentrate on it." "You don't need it anymore?" "No... it literally only teaches you. It's filled up with... the experiences of its former bearers, to say it in lack of a better description. I can't describe how it works, but you can learn with it, things just seem to come to you naturally with it. I already know everything, i know how to use the Darkness. You don't need to stone for it, it just shows you how. And i will give it to you anyway, if you decide to learn it or not. I'm old, as said, and i rather give it away before i die somewhere and it gets lost. Even if you don't use it, you can give it to someone else." Sini nodded and sighed, reaching for the stone and taking it. It felt cold in his hand, and smooth, not different to any other gem. Unconsciously, with his other hand he reached for the glas encased pieces of topaz that were hanging on a chain around his neck, a gift made by Shin. They were the broken remains of the gem with which he always had summoned his carbuncle Puff, since his childhood. Symbol of his lifelong practised arcanism, that was failing on him now and again lately.

He nodded to the old Knight and closed his fist around the soulstone, his voice steadfast. "Alright. You are entrusting me with something important to you. I thank you, and promise to make or find good use of it. I apprecaite it."   The other keeper smiled faintly. "Heh. Well... thanks for taking care of my legacy, so to say." He got up and stretched, holding his back like a typical old man. He looked back to the City in the distance again, and Sini swore the Knight even got a bit melancholic. "It's a chain of tradition that goes on and on, and should be kept going...keep the art alive and all that. It's like life, really. Old teach the new, things get passed on from generation to generation, and so on and so on..." He gazed out into the distance and fell silent, and Sini could only imagine the things that probably went through the old keepers head. What if his life had taken different turns? What if he had grown up in the shroud instead? What if he, instead of leading a vigilante life, had settled down and got a family? Who knew, who knew... what if, could have been, all that didn't matter in the end... Life was what it was right now, and none of us could change the past. Ome'a chuckled and shook his head, probably thinking just the same as Sini right now.

He took his helmet and put it back on his head. Now he was the image of a Dark Knight again, gone was the old man, hidden beneath a blackened suit of armor and only for few to know. "Heh. Thanks again. See you around next time. And don't die, alright? Would be a shame. Your sweetheart would be sad." With that, he strode off, towards Limsa Lominsa, leaving Sini behind underneath that tree. The grey priest in a training suit of armor followed the Knight with his gaze until he was out of sight, sitting there and pondering.