#but i don't wanna write a paragraph of tags or rope in people who aren't interested

[diicktective]

Character Interview

What is your name ? “Swift. What, ya mean my FIRST name ? Fine -- it’s Ulysses. HAPPY ? ”

Do you know why you were named that ? "I dunno why my Ma did anything, really.”

Single or taken ? “Single & keepin’ it that way.”

Stop being a Mary Sue ! “First off, HUH ? Second off, NO . ”

What’s your eye color ? “Brown.”

How about hair color ? “Black.”

Have you any family members ? “Last I checked there were some kickin’ around out there. We’re not in touch.”

Oh, how about pets ? “Nah, but sometimes the local alley cats follow me around.”

Now tell me something you don’t like.  “Tell ya somethin’ that GRINDS my GOAT  -- when people act like they KNOW shit about me. MOTHERFUCKER  -- you’re WRONG , and I’ll PROVE it. Anyone who’s ever thought about me WITHOUT a hand down their pants is just wastin’ time, and I don’t wanna hear’em pretend otherwise ! ”

Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do ? “Uh . . . Drugs.”

Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before ? ”I do plenty of that. Don’t we all ? ”

Ever … killed anyone before ? “Is that rumor still in circulation ? ”

What kind of animal are you ? “The worst kind -- a human one. Or do ya mean METAPHORICALLY ? Probably a fuckin’ cockroach or somethin’. A sewer rat, maybe. One’ve those things nobody LIKES but can't get rid of.”

Name your worst weaknesses ? “Occasionally I give a fuck. NASTY habit.”

Do you look up to anyone at all ? “What am I, a sucker ? ”

Are you straight, gay or bisexual ? “I like all sorts.”

Do you go to school ? “I’m done with that shit.”

Ever want to marry and have kids one day ? “Hell, no.”

Do you have fangirls / fanboys ? “I'm a popular guy -- but not THAT popular.”

What are you most afraid of ? “Right now, I’m REALLY afraid of this buzz wearin’ off. ‘ SCUSE me while I re - up.”

What do you usually wear ? “Uh . . . pants. A shirt. Shoes. My coat. A tie. I keep it simple. Best accessory’s a holster -- the Colt really adds all the GLITTER I need.”

What’s one food that tempts you ? “Fries’re pretty damn irresistible when they’re all fresh & hot. Splash some malt vinegar on those babies . . . get a nice thick vanilla shake to dip ‘em in . . . SORRY , I’m havin’ a moment.”

Am I annoying you ? “Oh, so you CAN tell. That’s good -- I was I worried I was bein’ too SUBTLE . ” 

Well, it’s not over ! “Great.”

What class are you ( low class, middle class, high class ) ? “Put it this way -- what I make wouldn’t be BAD if I didn’t SPEND so much more ! ”

How many friends do you have ? “Oh, lots.”

What are your thoughts on pie ? “Am I supposed to answer this WITHOUT referencing cunnilingus ? Cause that ain’t happenin’.”

Favorite drink ? “Straight whiskey, black coffee, or both.”

What’s your favorite place ? “The office, I guess.”

Are you interested in anyone ?  “I get PAID to be interested in people.”

That was a stupid question… “You said it, not me.”

Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean ? “Neither. Fuck you.”

What’s your type ? “Dangerous. Uh, or anyone I ain’t SUPPOSED to be screwin’ with. & the rough ‘n tumble sort in general. THEN there’s the real prim & proper ones . . . OR  -- hell, anyone, man. I don’t care ! ”

Any fetishes ? “We don’t have time for THAT conversation. Tell ya this for free -- I got a whole THING about pain. It ain’t always sexual, but . . . it’s usually sexual.”

Seme or Uke ? “Gesundheit.”

Camping or indoors ? “Indoors. I haven’t lost ALL my marbles.”

Who asked me to interview you ? “I don’t usually KISS & TELL , but . . . @patiencetaught​.” ​

Who would you like to send me to ? “Uh, lemme pull out the little black book -- ” @madame-coquette​ , @gghoulish​ , @grenkids​ ( dean or tilde maybe ? or anyone ! ) @genrcsavvy​ ( or any of your blogs ) @missmxrcy​ , @axgmented​