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#but i have adhd baby!! the longest ive applied myself to anything since hs was a month of korean at the start of 2021 before spring classes!
depresseddepot
·
3 years
Text
kids who learned an instrument growing up are superior to everyone else, actually
#this is a vent post dont be mistaken by the humor
#not to be dramatic or anything. but there's a lot wrong with me that would've been solved by me just. taking band
#we couldn't afford the instrument and i was a 10 year old w crippling anxiety so ofc i refused the offer to borrow or rent one
#i heard my mom go 'haha....!! uh oh!! careful you don't break it!!!!!!!!!!!!haha!!' and changed my whole mind
#but like i would've remedied my stage fright and i wouldve learned a genuine skill for once in my fucking life
#instead of all the useless shit i know how to do that doesn't do anything
#im not good at anything useful
#i cant cook or bake or play an instrument or draw or speak another language
#the only useful 'skill' ive learned in the last 3 years is how to use fucking chopsticks
#thats it
#im trying to be a little nicer to myself because if i apply myself to something i do catch on really quickly
#but i am....as the kids say.....mentally ill
#in order for me to feel like ive accomplished something i have to do it all by myself start to finish
#but i have adhd baby!! the longest ive applied myself to anything since hs was a month of korean at the start of 2021 before spring classes!
#i keep saying 'ill pick it up again in the summer' but what then? i drop it again for a year until i dont have classes again?
#im trying so hard to better myself but its like half of me is always trying to sabotage it
#i need structure and responsibility that i just cant give myself
#and w covid everything is either online or closed and like. im starting to lose it.
#im so frustrated with myself all the time
#im no better than when i was 3 and frustrated at myself for not being able to talk
#was the developmental issues not enough like do they really still have to be a problem as an adult
#everyone around me has so many accomplishments and skills and i can what? make cinnamon rolls?
#all of my interests mean nothing! everything i love distracts me from the things i want to do to better myself! this is a fact!
#u know ur right im a little better in that i dont hate myself for my appearance the way i used to
#but its just evolved into something that is arguably so much worse and i dont know if i can ever 'accept' this the same way i did that
#covid is no excuse i have no excuse for being this fucking useless
#i just want to be able to commit to things why does that have to be so hard for me
#im so disappointed in myself all the time
#thank you to the one person who reads these you know who you are
#please know i love and appreciate you and i think abt you every day and you are much more endlessly patient w me than i deserve
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