#but i raise you 'ace ppl and bi ppl are the invisible members of the queer community and they gotta look out for each other'

[rupertgayesarchive]

Noticed your post so... Prompt: Fahc ryan is asexual and he offhandedly tells the crew this but they have a hard time believing him. Why would someone like Ryan not like sex, he must be pulling their leg. Hope you feel less bored!

Ryan, to most people’s surprise, was actually quite good at covert missions. The fact that the infamous Vagabond always wore a mask meant that most people outside of the Crew connected that fearsome visage with regular ol’ Ryan Haywood, giving him extra cover compared to everyone else. And while he didn’t enjoy being inconspicuous, the fact that he didn’t really drink, do drugs, nor seemed to be affected by the flirty women (or men) that came his way made it rather easy for him to sneak around a fancy party, snag some intel, and leave. 

Tonight’s mission was rather interesting, as Gavin and Jack - Ryan’s handlers for the night - pointed out through the comms link. The Crew wasn’t the only one trying to get their hands on some valuable blueprints to a bank vault. Twice now different honeypots had tried to lure Ryan away for some ‘private time’ - no doubt to take him to some abandoned bathroom and knock him out, or worse. It had been difficult to wave off their advances without causing a scene. 

“That girl’s fallin’ out of her dress, what is she doing,” Gavin admonished. 

“How’re you holding up, Ryan?” Jack asked, her voice sounding apprehensive. “I think those two have managed to take out nearly a quarter of the party.”

“Without anyone noticing, too,” Gavin muttered. “Not that it’s hard to see why.”

“Can you just hurry up and get the office door unlocked?” Ryan asked, bored. He had stalked away from the rest of the party and was now upstairs, trying to surreptitiously figure out which door was the one he needed. 

“I don’t think it’s an electronic lock. It needs a key,” Gavin said.

“Or a lockpick,” Jack added. “Wait. Stop.” Ryan paused in front a door. “It’s that one, I think. Can you get it open?”

“’Can I get it open’,” Ryan echoed, digging into his suit jacket and pulling out a small lockpick. He was about to jam it into the lock when the door flung open, a beautiful woman in the entryway. She stared at him, silk robe hanging off her shoulders and clearly not hiding anything. 

“Oh my God,” Jack whispered.

The woman smiled and tugged on Ryan’s hand, pulling him into the room - which was just a bedroom, unfortunately. “Hey there, sweetie,” she purred. “My friends were talking about you - said someone was playing hard to get.” She slammed Ryan against the door, forcing it shut. She locked it, smiling up at him. “Now, let’s get rid of any distractions, and see if you can help me out, hm? I’ll make it real good for you, I promise…” And with that she plucked both the small plug out of Ryan’s ear, and yanked the tiny video recorder from his suit lapel, tossing them onto the ground. With the comms link effectively closed, Gavin and Jack could just sit in open-mouthed silence.

“Do you think -” Jack ventured.

“No. Did you see her? Woof. There’s no way he’s walkin’ out of that. Let’s just hope she doesn’t take the comms stuff back with her, otherwise we’ll have to redo the encryption on all our equipment.” Gavin groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Hopefully he just doesn’t die in action.”

“There’s probably worse ways to go than out from under a pretty girl,” Jack commented. They both decidedly did not call attention to the blush on their faces.

-

Ryan showed up at the penthouse an hour later, looking perfectly put together, aside from some red smudges on the collar of his shirt. He had the codes. “She was keeping the key to the office on her till she knew where to go; her partners were gatekeepers, trying to draw all the guests away from that hallway so she could snoop around at will. When they couldn’t convince me to stay down at the party, she set up a trap for me,” he explained.

“Is that what we’re calling her vagina now?” Geoff said with a laugh. Ryan frowned. “Hey, good work, though.”

“Yeah,” Gavin added. “When we saw her take the comms link out we thought - I mean there was no way you would’ve been able to get to the blueprints before their crew.” 

“Why?”

“It’s pretty hard to finish a mission with your pants down.” Michael said with a smirk. “You must’ve been like 007 in there, charming her and leaving before she knew what hit her.”

Ryan’s frown deepened. “I’m not following. I was totally professional. I mean, for once.”

Gavin grinned. “Uh-huh. Then what’s with the lipstick stains up there?” He pointed to his own shirt collar.

Ryan blinked. “I mean. Stab wounds can be messy. You guys said I couldn’t bring a gun, so.” Geoff, Jack, Michael, Gavin, and Jeremy all laughed at the joke. “I’m serious! I couldn’t just let her take the comms back with her and hack them or something. And if she was the ring-leader, well, that should buy us enough time to get some intel on who those people were.”

Jeremy blanched. “Wait, you mean you actually -” Ryan slid his forefinger from one end of his throat to the other. “What the fuck, Ryan?”

“I’m a murderer! It’s what I do!”

“Was that before or after she sucked you off?” Michael asked. “Or maybe we don’t wanna know.”

“She didn’t - you think I would have been dumb enough to let my guard down around her?” He scowled. “Who do you take me for?”

“A guy with a working set of eyes,” Jack said dryly. 

“They were all very pretty,” Ryan acquiesced. “But the whole ‘lack of sexual attraction’ thing really puts a damper on physical attributes.”

“Lack of… What, like an asexual or something?” Geoff asked.

“Yeah, or something.” Ryan turned to them all, looking more lost than ever. “I’ve told you all I’m asexual, haven’t I?”

“No!” They all yelled.

“Oh. Well. Yeah, I am.” Ryan shrugged. “Honeypots don’t phase me. And neither do you all staring at my like I suddenly grew a second head.” He dug through his pocket, sliding a USB drive over to Geoff. “Look over at that, I’m taking a shower.” And with that he stalked off, five sets of eyes following him.

-

Ryan had always been an anomaly, even amoung the Crew. He was the weirdest mix of criminal mastermind and a bumbling father figure that no one really knew exactly which side of him was the more honest depiction. He also seemed to enjoy confusing people - especially Gavin - with cryptic answers and false explanations. So when he easily explained that he was asexual, no one actually believed him. 

For one - Ryan was, well, good looking. Geoff had, at one point, labeled him a ‘golden god’. And when he wasn’t being incredibly obtuse, he could be rather charming; Gavin always lamented that whatever girl he found attractive was bound to notice Ryan first, and the man seemed to take a sick joy in keeping said women around just to torture him. Even Meg, who he had been dating for ages now and was far from being an innocent civilian herself, was content with hanging out with Ryan way too often.

While the other Crew members occasionally discussed the utter bullshit of Ryan trying to pass himself off as asexual, Gavin eventually decided to broach the topic with Meg herself.

Her response was… not what he was expecting.

“You mean he didn’t tell you till a month ago?” she asked over breakfast. “I’ve known for - forever, I think. Long as I’ve known him, pretty much.”

“Wha - but you don’t actually believe him, right? He’s just having a laugh.”

She took a bite of her toast. “Why would he be having a laugh?”

“I mean - you’ve seen him. No way he’s not interested in - I mean he looks like a regular guy.”

Meg looked up from her plate. “Gavin, what does a bisexual look like?”

“Uh - um.” He squinted. “You?”

“No - a bisexual person can look like anyone. Same thing with someone who’s ace, okay? I mean, you’ve never seen him with a girlfriend or boyfriend -”

“He could just be keeping that all a secret!”

“From you guys? Why?”

“Because he’s Ryan. And anyway, he makes sex jokes, and -”

“Sex jokes and having sex aren’t related. If that were true every sixth grader on the planet would be getting some and - ew. Fuck you for making me think about that.” 

“He tells me he thinks you’re pretty!”

Meg smiled. “Do you want to have sex with me every time you think I look good?”

Gavin frowned. “I mean… No. ‘Guess not. It’s just. Weird.”

Meg rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you can think it’s weird. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just let the poor guy rob banks in peace, okay? That’s all he wants.”

“And to go out to lunch with you,” Gavin grumbled. “And any other girl I’ve looked at for more than five minutes.”

“Maybe he gets along with girls because he never wants sex with them so they decide to stick around longer.” She took a sip of her mimosa. “Just a thought.”

-

Evidently, Meg wasn’t the only one who had slammed some sense into the Crew members. “Guys, I was talking to Meg about Ryan and -”

“Since when aren’t you talking to Meg about Ryan,” Michael asked, sitting on the coffee table in front of the television, playing some FPS game with Jeremy.

“No, I mean - about the asexual thing.”

“Oh.”

“She said I was being a real tosser about it.”

“Funny, Mica told me the same thing,” Jeremy mumbled.

“So did Lindsay,” Michael said, after a pause. “So are we just - we’re wrong, right? Is that what’s happening?”

“Do we have to apologize for being assholes?” Jeremy asked. “I don’t know if I could say sorry to the Vagabond - that’s just too surreal. Maybe we should get him a card, instead.”

“Why am I being apologized to?” Ryan asked nonchalantly, walking over to the three of them. The three lads shared a glance, silently wondering where the fuck he came from.

Eventually, Michael spoke up. “…Because we were being dicks and not believing you about the whole, uh, you being asexual thing,” Michael said. Gavin was looking at his shoes and Jeremy was just looking anywhere but Ryan’s face. “I mean we’re always dicks - especially Gavin - but this was like, too much, you know?”

“Yeah, not cool.” Jeremy supplied, before reaching over and pinching Gavin’s arm.

“Ow! I mean, yeah. Sorry.”

Ryan smiled. “Apology accepted. I’m glad you all came to the realization yourself.”

“Ah - we may have been pushed…” Jeremy supplied. Ryan just shrugged.

“Either way, I just came back from a very informing talk with Geoff and Jack about the same subject, and I’m kind of worn out, so it’s nice that I won’t be forced to give you guys the same treatment.” 

“Yeah, yeah, real funny, Rye-bread,” Michael said. But Ryan just smiled wider, his grin growing sharp and his expression haunting. The look the lads were leveled with dug under their skin even after Ryan turned around and walked away. Michael chuckled nervously. “That - that was a joke, right? Right, Ryan? Ryan! Get back here! Don’t just fucking - Ry-yan!” Michael got up from the coffee table and vaulted over the couch, chasing after the other man.

Gavin rounded around the couch and picked up Michael’s controller, unpausing the game. “Up for a new round?” he asked Jeremy.