#but if they choose not to learn and continuously neglect me and the relationship- bye.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 10) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

I feel as though I should make a statement in Logan’s defense before you read this. There is a thing called unreliable narration and... our narrator is spiraling. 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

“I have to go to work today,” Patton said Friday morning. “I am trusting you enough to not attempt to go to school like yesterday if for no other reason then so you don’t embarrass yourself.”

Logan nodded and Patton didn’t think he’d gotten his point totally across yesterday, but he thought Logan would probably not do anything today since on Fridays he only had to attend two classes and not teach or meet one-on-one with anyone.

“Good,” Patton said, biting his lip. Logan was distracted with one of his personal files and wasn’t looking at him. He’d been quiet yesterday after Patton had dragged him back from the college. He’d stopped asking Patton questions about himself or really talking to Patton at all, instead choosing to stew in his ire in silence. He read the book Patton got him and was civil when he needed something from Patton or when Patton asked something out of him, but his discontent with Patton’s presence was written all over his face. ‘Maybe I don’t want what I built’ echoed in the silence between them. It really sucked to know that Logan could so easily learn to hate him. “Bye then. I’ll see you later.” He shut the door to the apartment behind him.

He drove to the hospital in a daze of emotional numbness and sat in his car in the parking lot, staring at the tall building for almost 15 minutes with a tight feeling in his stomach before finally forcing himself into the building.

He had been hoping that having something to keep his mind busy with would help him feel better, but it just seemed to make things worse. It made the gaping hole in his chest widen and widen until it threatened to consume all of him. When he went to check on a patient’s wound, he felt like he could throw up despite the fact that he was long past being grossed out by medical things. It just kept getting worse and worse as Patton worked mechanically through the morning. Talk to patients, smile at coworkers, take vitals. Don’t rest. Don’t feel. Don’t break. Break and someone dies.

“Patton,” a voice called as the lunch hour crept closer. Patton turned to see Remy rushing down the hallway towards him. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I have a shift,” Patton replied blankly. He tried to turn away from him because a friendly face was the most dangerous thing right now, but Remy grabbed his arm. “What do you want Remy?” Patton asked, refusing to look at him. There was a pause before he was tugged on and yanked into a hall closet.

Patton rounded on him once the door closed behind them, a bit of it leaking, just not in any way that would actually help. Instead, it came out in a way that would likely just make it worse when the guilt hit later. “What?” he snapped harshly.

Remy didn’t respond for a long moment, just leaning against the opposite wall of the closet with a frown on his face. Patton bristled under the scrutiny.

“I heard Bluebird got beamed by a memory gun.”

“Yes, I’m sure everyone knows that by now,” Patton replied scathingly.

Remy again didn’t react to the harshness in his tone. He just nodded. “Bet that’s hard for people who know him personally,” he said.

“What do you want?” Patton said and this time it came out more wobbly than harsh.

Remy sighed. “Patton go home.”

Patton shook his head and could feel pressure building up behind his eyes.

“Patton this is not the place for you today. I’ll tell Bev you’re sick. Just leave.”

“I…” Patton stuttered. “I can’t. I…” he started to shake, bursting at the seams. “I can’t,” he gasped, and he didn’t think he was talking about how he couldn’t leave work anymore. Remy leaned forward to tug him into a hug and Patton shattered like a window in a hurricane.

He could hear Remy saying things to him, but he couldn’t make out anything of the words except the soft sympathetic tone.

“A little girl fell out of the window,” he blurted out, unable to keep it in anymore, “and she was so tiny and so hurt and I had to cut into her with a knife so I could try to put her bones back together right and if I did anything wrong she might not ever be able to move right again. She could’ve died on the operating table and it would have been my fault. I shouldn’t have been the one to do it. Why did they pick me to do it? I’m not any good at this. I shouldn’t be here. I’ve just gotten lucky and one day someone isn’t going to wake up that should have and they’re all going to know how much of a fuck up I am. I can’t do anything right. I pretend and pretend to be good at things and nice and perfect but it’s all just an act and eventually everyone’s going to see it and they’ll all hate me. No one loves me and no one should love me and everyone who thinks they love me will eventually find out the truth and leave me because I can never be good enough no matter how hard I try.”

“Woah, hey, that’s not true Patton,” Remy said looking alarm. He was trying to wipe the tears off his face with his sleeve, but more just replaced them the next moment. “That’s so very not true. You’re not a screw up. You’re a great doctor and you’re not faking anything. So many people love you for you including me.”

Patton just shook his head. “You don’t know me,” he cried. “You don’t know me at all. The only person who I’ve ever even let really known me is Logan and I love him so much, but he doesn’t love me back, because I’m not good enough. And now he hates me.”

“No, no, Pat,” Remy said. “I know you’ve probably had a rough couple of days, but that man absolutely adores you. He could never hate you no matter what. He’s a dork who’s afraid of his feelings sometimes and he gets all pissy with strangers, but I know he doesn’t have it in him to hate you. No version of him ever could.”

Patton just laughed. “No. He doesn’t love me. Not really.”

“He does, babe. I promise he does.”

“I proposed to him,” Patton said. He managed to steady his voice, but tears were still streaming down his face. “He said no.”

Remy blinked and his mouth gaped open for a moment. “When…?”

Patton sniffled. “Two months ago.” It had been a soul draining, humiliating experience.

“How do you feel about marriage?” Patton had asked one day in bed after staying in Logan’s apartment for the third time that week. He had been thinking about it for a while and that day he’d blinked open his eyes to see Logan staring at him with the softest expression he’d ever seen on the man’s face and then Patton had been slowly and thoroughly kissed the rest of the way awake. It hadn’t even led to sex that morning, but Patton had thought he wanted to wake up like that every day forever.

“Marriage?” Logan had asked in response with a lilt to his tone that had made Patton swallow.

“Yeah,” he’d replied, “uh, specifically you marrying me.”

“Are you saying you want to marry me?”

“I… yes,” he’d admitted, but felt the need to backtrack, “but only if you want to.”

There had been a long pause and Patton had felt his heart shatter in it. “Give me some time?” he’d asked, but Patton had known that meant no. They had been dating for three years and he knew Logan had likely already made his decision about Patton long ago. He didn’t need more time. He was quick at making decision and he rarely went back on them. Patton had known him saying that meant Logan didn’t think Patton was good enough. That he hadn’t loved him enough to want to wake up next to him every morning. Patton had felt tears prickling at his eyes which wasn’t fair to him, so he’d turned away.

“Of course, sweetie,” he’d said as steadily as possible and that had been the end of the conversation.

“So yeah,” Patton continued in the present. “There’s something wrong with me and I… I don’t know what. If I did, I’d change it, but I can’t figure it out. Maybe it’s just all of me. Maybe he’s too smart and can see through all of the acts and knows how horrible I really am inside.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Remy said and leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead. “You are wonderful. I promise. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met. Want me to slap Logan for you? That might fix the problem.”

Patton chuckled darkly. “Which problem?” Remy grabbed his face and made him look him in the eyes.

“You need to go home,” he said firmly. “You need to take a bath and eat some ice cream and watch a sad movie so you can pretend you’re crying about that. Okay?”

Patton didn’t respond, just averted his eyes.

“Come on Pat,” Remy cajoled, “nurses orders.”

Patton smiled just a bit. “I’ll take the day off,” he conceded.

Remy frowned probably because he could tell that Patton was not going to follow the rest of his instructions because Patton was too rotted on the inside to listen to anyone’s advice.

He let Remy deal with telling people he’d be gone for the day and headed back to Logan’s apartment.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 11

[a-butterfly-on-his-tummy]

The Path of Life and Love

“See ya later, alligator!” I say as Harry and I end the FaceTIme call with our daughter.

“I know a new one! I tell it?” Grace asks, holding the iPad in such a way that part of her face is being cut off, and we get a very beautiful view of the ceiling of Anne’s home.

“Oh tell me!! Tell me!!” Harry’s voice is laced with excitement as he leans in a little closer, waiting to hear the new way of saying goodbye.

“O-tay! Bye-Bye Butterfly!” Grace bursts into giggles as she tells her parents the new saying. Saying funny salutations has become a tradition, and it always makes Grace laugh.

“Oh I like that one!! Bug, we love yeh butterfly much! Call us in the morning okay?” Harry says, waving at the screen. “Be good for Gran.” He adds, smiling at his daughter.

“Kiss!” Grace kisses the camera, her lips expanding on the screen, and it makes me smile. Harry and I return kisses to the little one. “I kiss da baby goodbye?” I nod my head, moving the camera so that my 30 week bump can be seen. Once again, small pink lips take over the whole screen as Grace gives her sibling a big sloppy kiss.

“Love you, baby!! Talk to you soon!! Sweet dreams!” I wave to my daughter as my husband ends the call. Harry takes the iPad from my hands and places it on the coffee table.

“Oh I love her.” Harry says, letting out a sigh as he sits up; raising his hands towards the sky, he stretches his muscles, letting out a small groan.

“Me too. She is quite the goose!” I say, chuckling to myself as I recall the conversation we just had. “Wanna go lay outside with me? Feeling like I might want a nap.” I say through a yawn.

“I would love to.” Harry pops up from the sofa, holding out his hands so I can grab hold and use them to stand. My hand rests under my baby bump to give it support as I move my body out of the sitting position. Harry threads his fingers through mine as he guides me through the open doors of our private villa and out onto the deck that ends with a bed above the water.

The wood of the deck feels warm against my bare feet, and the sun feels lovely against my skin. I climb onto the bed, crawling across to make room for my husband. Stripping off his shirt, Harry climbs on the mattress next to me, pulling me in close against his inked skin.

“Thank you for planning this.” I say, resting my head against his shoulder. My bump is nestled close to his body, and I can feel the little one adjusting inside. Running my hand down my stomach, I rub back and forth in an effort to calm our baby.

“It’s relaxing, init?” Harry looks out across the ocean, and I can see his curls flying softly in the wind. In ten short weeks we will be parents of two children, and that just blows my mind. I am thankful that Harry planned such a private babymoon. Our villa in Tahiti is away from everyone, creating a private atmosphere that helps us to feel comfortable and not like we are being watched. After losing our last baby, we tried really hard to keep this pregnancy quiet, just in case something happened again, as the risk of miscarriage is higher after happening once. We tried really hard to keep it between family for as long as possible.

“Yes, and nice to get out of the cold.” I reply, tracing my finger against his butterfly, outlining the wings slowly, covering every detail.

“Can yeh believe that 8 years ago next month, a beautiful girl walked into my birthday party not having the slightest clue who I was. The room was filled with people who were there for Harry Styles, but she was only focused on the art.” Harry starts to recall the night that changed our lives forever, and I can feel my heart melting into a puddle that will rival the ocean that is under us right now. “From the moment we first said hello, my mind was pushing for one thing. To get to know that beautiful bird with a smile that was lighting up the world.”

“Like nobody else?” I say, trying to hold back my giggle as I look up at my husband to see if he got my reference to his very first single with One Direction.

“Hey, I’m tryin’ to be sentimental here.” His scowl makes me laugh because I know he is secretly proud of my reference.

“Okay. Continue.” I pat his stomach and encourage him to continue his story.

“And then I married her on what I believe to be one of the best days of my life.” His hand dances down my side, sneaking his fingers under the hem of my swim suit cover up. His fingers draw circles on the skin of my belly and it makes me feel calm and content. “Then, we created a beautiful, dramatic, creative soul that will change the world someday.”

“She gets the dramatic side from you.” I tease, and it makes Harry chuckle.

“And her eye roll from her mum.” Harry teases back, and I roll my eyes at his response. “Then we were blessed with 14 brilliant weeks, where we loved and lost and grew in so many different ways.” His voice shakes slightly as he talks about our baby in heaven. I can feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I choose not to hold them back, allowing them to fall slowly down my cheeks. “And now, we are welcoming another baby. Our world has evolved so much in the last 8 years. But I wouldn’t change any of it.” He kisses my head and hugs me closer to his body.

“Harry? What can we do better?” I ask sincerely. In 8 years we have had a lot of challenges, and things get neglected, especially when it comes to our relationship.

“As parents?” Harry asks, holding his hand still as our baby begins to move against his palm.

“No, I think we are pretty good at being parents.” I smile as I make the joke because we learn and grow everyday when it comes to parenthood. Parenting isn’t easy, and I feel like I am constantly learning. “I mean with us. Is there anything that I am doing or not doing for you?” There is a moment of silence, where the only thing I can hear is the waves of the ocean crashing against the beach. Harry takes a moment to process my question, allowing it to sink in before he answers.

“Hmmm, something we can improve? We both get in our head at times, and I think we struggle communicating when we are in a bad headspace if I’m honest.” Harry is thoughtful in his comment and I agree with what he is saying.

“Yes, I tend to withdraw, isolate, because I feel like there are bigger problems that need my attention.” I add.

“Me too.” Harry says quietly. “So can we work on being open, honest, and raw about our anxiety and worries?”

“Yes. I think that is a good thing to work on.” Kissing his chest softly, I move my hand from his butterfly to the laurels that lay on his hips. “I think a lot of the time, I get caught up in the routine of being a parent that I feel like I don’t give us what we need. I want to work on giving us more time and attention.”

“What if we spend an hour each day, just us? Kids are in bed, we can watch a show, or take a bath, or paint our nails. I do love a good spa night.” I don’t even have to look at Harry to know that his dimple is deep as he smiles. “Even if I am away, I promise to make time, even if it is fifteen minutes. Just for us. No Jeff. No kids. Just me and my darling.”

“I like that idea.” I say, brushing the hair out of my face. “Hey, I love you. So much. Always have, and I always will.”

“I love yeh too.” Harry kisses my forehead, tucking the stray curl behind my ear. “Thank yeh for being all in, and for loving me and our children.”

“You’re lucky you’re easy to love.” I giggle, biting my lip as I tease my husband. “Thank you for loving me, and allowing me to share this journey of love and happiness.”

“The pleasure is all mine, darling.” He smiles before capturing my lips in a sweet, soft kiss. We lay together, enjoying Tahiti with a new vision of our path in this thing we call life and love.

A/N: Happy National Best Friend day to my bestie and beta @whoopsharrystyles. This series wouldn’t be the same without you. Same with my life. It will forever be better because I know you!!! Love you friend!!

Read NOW on Wattpad!!!!!!!!

[jrxx]

“As I lean towards towards the art of growing up, there are many things at this moment that I wanna be remembered by my future self. If you are reading this you’re about to waste 3 mins of your life.

Continue.

I don’t wanna sound like a cliché so I am gonna make this seriously unique.

Do you remember the last days of your life before you realize you’re actually already an adult? For the past 8,760 days of my life I have never felt this satisfied of just living in this “fucked up” world. I quoted it because it’s not only coming from me but does from a lot of people. Seriously. Go ahead ask yourselves.

Yet the real reason why I am writing this piece of crap, aside from boredom haha, I wanna share this real shit that we don’t usually talk about. And some of it , we don’t about at all.

When there’s this little voice inside your head and it wants to escape, and you don’t know how. This one’s might be for you.

People tell us to win in every fight in life but nobody tells us how. But you know what’s the secret?

It’s maturity.

In my 20’s I learned that people are not just people, life isn’t just waking up on alarm, or after, thinking about the things to didn’t do yesterday and that you still want to do and thinking about the things that could happen just because you just feel like doing them - all kinds of anxieties.

I was completely suffering. Who made me to it?

Me. At least that’s what I believe.

It is I who choose the battle to win by.

It is I who decide which path to take.

It is I who is responsible of my own emotions.

It is I who does it all because it is I that has my life. This shit is all mine.

And I am feeling nervous because I feel like I just woke up from deep sleep like a new born baby and still don’t have any idea what the fuck am I doing at the this very moment.

And that is okay. It is okay to rush things and it is okay NOT to rush things.

You see, there will become a time that you have to isolate yourself to think and compartmentalize your head up. Because if you don’t do that and you react straightaway on every single shit that is happening around you, you may not make it at all. Sorry, but it’s true. So think. If you are having deep emotions and you don’t know what to do with it, sit with it, alone and analyze the situation, carefully. It is okay. Just make sure that you will get something out of it. And when you figured out what to do, then it’s the right time to act.

And then you remember some time in college that you are really not sure what course to take, hell, after you graduate from your desired course, you end up getting this job miles away from what your course is all about? Then you got a good job but it doesn’t appeal to you and you still want to find your line in life? That’s okay. It still happens after you graduate, when you get a job and there will come a time that you don’t know what to choose because you like a lot of things. Because things are never enough, we get unconsciously discontented. And why do you like a lot of things? It might be driven by passion, deprivation, curiosity, peer-pressure, you name it. Therefore, you must learn to prioritize. Which among do you like the most, which among aren’t really necessary at the moment.

Then you meet new people every year and you have mastered a pattern of unhealthy friendships, relationships. Duh, that’s okay. Remember that you can be toxic to them too without realizing it and that people might actually hate you for just being simply who you are. And THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Always remember that anyone’s interpretation of you is a huge reflection of themselves. As long as you didn’t do anything to hurt people intentionally for your own benefit, DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

I say there are some people who have been with me for quite a bit that meant a lot and some people that you expected to stay but just left nothing but a piece of black hole in your chest. And some who gave you the best days and end up just leaving because we all have to move on in life, that some of us aren’t meant to stay together but are just enough to leave a mark on each other.

I had depression and anxiety and still probably have it hidden in the corners of my head. I talked about it alot. How it feels and how it really is annoying but today, I’m not gonna talk about it because I’m far beyond that shit. Can’t say I’m well but, hello, it’s an everyday battle. That’s my norm. I’d rather deal with than complain about it.

You will make bad decisions, you fail, hell, you will fail again every time you try different things. You will be threatened and will lose respect of yourself. A lot of things will disappoint you. You will be neglected and you feel what seems to be the worst pain. It will all happen! And you will hate yourself and hate everything around you and hate people and hate doing this you were once interested in above all.

Be brave.

But being brave isn’t just a state of mind. It has to be learned in the right way. In a way that you can be out so soft and firm from the inside. Being brave, is all about a hell of ACCEPTANCE. Lemme break it down for you.

- Understand that you have your own unique way of thinking and that no one will ever beat you to your standards because we learn at different place and time and in different ways. So it doesn’t matter how well you explain yourself to anyone, they will never get you. They will only meet you where they are at in life.

- You can express yourself, your emotions without hurting anyone’s belief and dignity.

- Understand that we don’t get enough in life. Everything will never be enough. But while you are standing where you are right now, you must taste every bit of it, bitter and sweet. Do not miss that glory. Even in hard situations. Make it a collection. Life is boring without those hardships anyway. Just know that in every milestone you get a prize and that will become your knowledge and your truth. And always remember that you are not alone and anything could be worse than what you’re facing right now. Be grateful still. For one day you will just laugh at it and you see them as an art framed at the wall of memories. And you’d sigh and say “can’t imagine I did it.”

- Understand that people get mad about something that’s said to them because they are afraid it might be true. Denial is a tool for doubt.

- It is not always okay to be straightforward. But it does some good things too.

- You can never get stuck in the middle, you always get to choose a side. Make a decision. See if it’s worth it. And if it doesnt work, then back off. Doesn’t matter if they call you a quitter. Just look up and tell em “Dude, it’s just not my fight. Bye” 😂

- Understand that there are infinite versions of truth based on how people interpret things with their thoughts, knowledge and experience. I wouldn’t say do not trust what anyone say. Rather, get a piece of fact and figure out the rest of it.

- Understand that we do not have to always give out kindness at people and assume to get same amount of kindness. Leverage if only good for business but not for your mental health.

I’m not sure how to end this article. My purpose of sharing my piece of insight to somehow help people who are having a hard time right now. Well, hard times don’t end you just gotta get stronger.”

🖤