#but ill flounder w/o em so! hard work that i am mostly failing at but i Keep Trying
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the desire to do comms vs my inability to remember that i got a message FIGHT-
#its like 'oh a message! i will respond later'#and then later never comes cause i have no damn object permanence Or working memory#then its like... what do i even say#'hi sorry i ghosted your simple question for two days i forgot you messaged me' AGH#or especially lately#i mean to do things and then i get a New piece of distressing information about the way my life is going#which then consumes my thoughts and leaves no room for anything else#ahaha thanks! ill claw my eyes out now!! wow!!! FUCK!#trying to keep up the things i enjoy is. so tough rn#but ill flounder w/o em so! hard work that i am mostly failing at but i Keep Trying#yes i wanna do comms. yes i wanna draw. yes i wanna talk to people. can i? mmmmm......#can't wait for this chapter in my life to be over. goddamn.#ive been in a perpetual state of intense stress since early childhood#but my fucking duck things lately have been taking the cake#absolutely unprompted#oh no this is turning into a vent post Look Away#well my mother called again last night and was all 'im getting you a car'#and uh. i started physically shaking while profusely thanking her (lying through me teeth)#GIRL!!! I DONT NEED A CAR THATS TOO MUCH RN!!!#she's always mentioning how the collective We are tight on money#and that rn i need to focus on making decisions and getting a job ill hold for like. a month#and then she slams this down outta left field??? thats so much extra stress i dont need right now???#now i gotta worry about parking and maintaining it and gas money i dont have And And And-#i cant exactly tell her Dont Fucking Do That bc then she'll blow up in my face and call me inconsiderate & ungrateful again#me and my stepdad dont have the fucking TIME to get one! and then she was like 'oh i can always come down to help'#please dont. do not do that. i cant deal with you in person right now that sounds hellish#anyway. case in point#cant even think about messages and stuff i Want to think about bc all this bullshit is taking up my entire mind#metaphorically slamming my face into a brick wall till theres nothing left. aaaghhahsbkjadadj#its too much its Too Much everything is so much and its too much and can i be let be for two fuckin seconds please
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