#but is also anxious and scared of losing that love and it's a deceptively sad album

[aberooski]

so that surprise song mashup, huh

I AIN'T GOTTA TELL HIM I THINK HE KNOWS HE'S GORGEOUS !!!!! 😭😭😭

They are everything to me she has no idea but she did that for me I stg ✋😭

[hxney-lemcn]

The Riddle of Love — Gotham! Edward Nygma x gn! reader

summery: Edward's interest shifts to someone who indulges in his love of riddles.

tw: bullying (?), kristen kringle is a warning all her own in this fic, implied rejection (not really tho, Ed's just awkward).

a/n: I hope so much that I wrote all these characters correctly. I have riddler fever rn and really wanted to write for him, but I've always been scared that I'd write him too ooc. I think I did good tho.

wc: 3.1k

Master List

“What is it that no one wants to have, but no one wants to lose either?” I asked. I already knew it was a lost cause. Edward Nygma was the smartest man I had ever met. Dorky? Yes. Nerdy? Absolutely. Smart? Incredibly. So trying to impress him at his own game wasn’t exactly the smartest move. Yet, the first time I gave him a riddle to solve (which he solved ridiculously fast), I don’t think I’d ever seen him so happy. So I continued to scour the internet in my free time to try and find obscure riddles. 

Although this riddle wasn’t that obscure. I was running out of riddles to find, and I sure as hell couldn’t make my own. 

“A lawsuit,” Eddie replied without missing a beat, still focusing on testing blood samples. 

I couldn’t stop the pout that formed on my face, “It’s not fair how smart you are.”

I didn’t see Ed’s lips twitch up, how the praise I didn’t think twice about saying impacted him more than he’d like to admit. It was quiet for a few minutes, and I looked back down to the papers I had brought with me. Sometimes, I found myself working in the forensic lab when I could. One of the perks of being a criminal data analyst. I could make my notes on paper, and then just copy them into the computer later. 

Since I was a data analyst, I was in the record archives often. I was acquainted with Kristen Kringle, which obviously led me to Edward Nygma. She would complain about him if I came in after he had left. At that point I didn’t know him, but I also found her complaints unfounded. I’d let her vent, but I’d also speak up for him, which made her glance away in what I assume was guilt. Then there were the unfortunate times that I’d walk in on his awkward flirting. I’d just tensely put away or take the files I needed for my research and leave them to it. 

But after enough times, I’d caught him in the middle of one of his riddles. An easy one, probably to dumb it down for Kringle so she’d be enticed to answer it in the first place. Yet he had caught the attention of the wrong person. Although that didn’t seem to put a damper on his mood. He only sent me a tight lipped smile with a little ‘ding ding ding!’. That’s how I was caught hook line and sinker. His mannerisms were oddly endearing to me, and that’s how our odd little friendship formed. 

I was brought out of my reverie as Eddie shuffled over to his microscope, “I am a nine lettered word and rhyme with perfection; I am another name for love. What am I?”

I blinked, not ready for a riddle, even though I always should be in the presence of him. I looked up from my work, and I noticed how Eddie was sweating, his cheeks flushing a bright red. I tapped the metal table anxiously, the word love had thrown me off my game and my brain felt empty of anything else. I mumbled words under my breath that rhyme with perfection. 

“Deception, reception, perception,” I mumbled, yet none of them fit the rest of the rhyme. The longer I took, the more anxious Eddie seemed to get. “Affection. Oh! The answer is affection!”

Ed cleared his throat, adjusting his glasses, “Y-yes, that is correct. G-good job.” My proud smile fell into a more awkward one, thinking over the implications. That riddle sounded like one he’d save for Kringle. Was he running out of riddles as well? The thought alone was preposterous. It was tense for a bit. And when I realized I had nothing left to do but input the current data I had on some wanna be gang leader. The sad part is I knew that the cops aren’t going to be the first ones who get them. 

Even though I needed to leave, it felt wrong for some reason. To leave the situation after Edward had seemed to admit something in his unique way of sharing. I didn’t want to assume his feelings, yet I knew he also wasn’t one to just state them willingly. Biting my lip anxiously, I decided to just do it. 

Walking over towards Ed’s hunched form, I leaned down to place a light kiss to his cheek, “I’ll see ya later Eddie.” Then I booked it out of the room, leaving behind a very flustered dork. 

It wasn’t much later in the day when Doctor Lee Thompson entered my office. It wasn’t much of an office. The dark walls made the space feel enclosed, and it barely fit my desk and the few cabinets it held. Yet I didn’t mind it since it was a space for myself. Lee, on the other hand, was another acquaintance whose office was nowhere near mine. She’d only come to my office for a few reasons, if it was work related (which was rare since our departments weren’t similar), or if it was personal. Sometimes she fessed that it seemed I needed some company, that it would do me no good to spend all this time alone in my office. Other times…it was on a more personal note, about Eddie and I’s relationship. 

She plopped a candy bar on my desk, a placating move that was all too familiar.

“You must’ve done a real number on Ed,” She smirked, sitting on my desk. Due to the tiny size of the room, and the nature of my job, I didn’t have a seat for guests. 

“What do you mean?” I asked. Deep down, I knew exactly what she meant. I knew Edward was an awkward man, and his experience with flirting was an ultimate zero. Yet it was hard to imagine that he was still affected by a small gesture of affection… Okay maybe the gesture wasn’t that small, for either of us, but still! 

Lee’s smirk widened, “I think you know exactly what. Poor little Ed kept stumbling over his words when I brought you up. Something must’ve happened.”

I unwrapped the candy bar as she spoke, wanting to avoid any thought of the earlier moment. Looking back it was so awkward and a terrible attempt at…what? Flirting? Was that my intention? I didn’t even know my own intentions! 

I took a bite from the candy bar, savoring the sweet flavor before having to explain the painfully awkward memory. When I managed to explain the event, Lee couldn’t stop herself from chuckling, causing me to finish my candy bar with a bitter look. 

“That sounds like something you’d both do,” She smiled.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” I huffed, trying to fight off the flush of embarrassment I felt. 

“Nothing,” She sighed wistfully. “But you two really take your time, huh?” 

“Shut up,” I scowled. 

“Okay, okay,” She threw her hands up in mock surrender. “I’ll stop teasing…for now. But seriously, I think you two would be cute together.”

I let out a childish groan, “I get it. Is there anything else you need?” 

“No,” She smiled as she stood up. “Just wanted to see what had Ed all wound up.”

I rolled my eyes, but my heart skipped a beat at the implication. As Lee saw herself out, my mind kept racing. What was Ed doing right now? What was he thinking about? Did he really care enough about my opinion, about my affection, that he was still affected by it? I stared at my computer screen, the cursor blinking mindlessly. Glancing at the time, I scowled as I realized I still had 30 minutes left to my shift. The idea of going home, having a relaxing dinner and then maybe treating myself to a warm bath. 

…

That was only the beginning. It seems that Eddie’s admiration had shifted from Kristin Kringle to me. It was flattering, to say the least. At least to me. Once I gained Ed’s attention, I seemed to have gained his colleagues attention as well. Typically, I didn’t work with the officers, I’d research criminals, then that data would be added to the files. So when I walked past James Gordon and Harvey Bullock, I never thought twice. But when Ed had waved at me, that cute tight lipped smile on his face as I waved back, a smile of my own adorning my face, it drew the attention of the two detectives. 

"Careful Ed,” Harvey mocked. “Don’t wanna scare them off.” Jim only glanced up briefly, not interested in the situation in the least. I watched as Ed’s smile twitched for a second, Harvey’s words seeming to get to him. I felt my smile slip, not liking how they treat him in the slightest.

“He…didn’t do anything wrong,” I shrugged, before waving goodbye, making my way to the record archives. Not only them, but even Kringle was looking at me more than just as a person to vent to. 

“I feel sorry for you,” She stated, adjusting her thick rimmed glasses. Her hazel eyes held their usual air of judgment as she placed some files back in their spots. 

“Why?” I asked, flipping through to find the person I needed. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” She asked, raising one of her perfectly maintained eyebrows. “Edward’s got his eyes on another victim.” I frowned, anger bubbling within me at the way she always found new ways to insult him. 

“I wouldn’t describe it like that,” I managed to grit out. “I find the sentiment sweet.”

“Wait,” Kringle paused, turning to look at me with disbelief. “Do you…like him?”

I sighed, finding it hard to focus on the task at hand with this irritating conversation, “Would there be something wrong with that?”

“Isn’t it kind of weird how fast he switched?” She asked, a hint of jealousy in her tone. “I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he loses interest in you.”

I slammed the cabinet shut in a bout of rage, leaving the room before I do something I may regret…or lose my job over. As I exited, my scowl worsened when I realized I didn’t even get what I needed. 

“Hello!” Edward’s excited voice greeted me as I entered the break room. When my gaze landed on him, I felt my expression soften, my shoulder’s relaxing. His brown eyes were so expressive, that silly smile on his face never failed to melt my heart. 

“Hey,” I muttered back. Looking over the options in the vending machine. Just get something to eat, and hopefully I’ll feel better. 

“Is…something the matter?” He asked, fidgeting with his glasses. I let out a long sigh as I sat across from him at one of the few tables. 

Taking a bite of my snack, I took some time to gather my thoughts and feelings, “Sometimes I just hate people.”

His eyebrows raised, nervously fidgeting with his tie, “Th-that’s…understandable.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, finally cooling down. “Someone was just saying some really mean things and it got to me.”

Edwards’ demeanor changed in an instant, a frown replacing his smile, and his eyebrows furrowed in a mixture of concern and anger, “Who?”

I blinked, “What?”

“Who insulted you?” He asked, fists clenched. This wasn’t what I was expecting. He would get annoyed, yeah, but he’d always just stew in it until he calmed down. And he was barely angry when I was around, which was something I was proud of. So seeing him react so harshly was unusual. It made me feel a bit appreciated, that he cared enough to get this angry over it, yet it was also unsettling.

“They…they were insulting you,” I clarified, rubbing my arm awkwardly. “And trust me, I was ready to do some things that would’ve gotten me fired.”

Ed blinked, calming down drastically at the revelation, “Oh.” 

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I swear if she says one more damned thing about you I’m gonna…” I strangled the air, the only way I could express how frustrated her insults made me.

Edward fake coughed, his cheeks tinged a light pink, “I assume you mean Miss Kringle.”

I paused, hoping it didn’t hurt that his past interest was still as rude as ever. “I didn’t even manage to get the files I needed,” I grumbled, hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

“...I can get them for you,” I felt my heart crack. Was he still interested in her? Was that why he was so ready to go into the den of the woman who so readily insults him? 

“Oh, no you don’t have to do that,” I shook my head. “I’ll just have Lee do it.”

Ed blinked, seeming to think over something before standing up, “I’ll be right back.” Before he was fully out the door he paused, “Whose case files did you need?”

I couldn’t help the tiny grin at how eager he was as I gave him the names of the people I needed files on. Yet that smile fell. Was he really so excited to get a chance to see Kringle that he almost left without knowing what files he needed? I finished my snack, getting a drink from the vending machine while I was at it. My mind continued to make up terrible scenarios that could be happening at that moment. How she could manage to crush Ed’s precious heart even more than she’s already managed to.

Ed was back quicker than I realized. It took him less than ten minutes! He set the files I needed on the table, that tight lipped grin on his face as he waited for my input.

“Oh! Thank you!” I thanked, flipping through the files to make sure they were all there. “She didn’t give you any trouble, did she?”

“No,” He replied simply. As I met his gaze, that’s when I finally realized that he was truly over Kringle. I should’ve felt disturbed at how intense his gaze was, at how strong his emotions seemed to be when he wasn’t even trying. Yet I only felt flattered, important, and wanted. Emotions I wasn’t completely used to, and caused my heart to stutter at how strong my own emotions were becoming. 

Standing up, I leaned in and kissed his cheek again, this time a bit more confident then the last time I did. I waved goodbye as I walked out with the files he gave me. I felt pride swell within me as I watched Eddie become a flustered mess as I left. It was a good mood lifter as I watched him fumble with his usual nervous ticks, before he was finally out of my sight. 

…

Edward’s courting tactics only seemed to grow after that. I wasn’t sure what changed him to do so. I could only speculate that Lee had something to do with it. She kept stopping by my office, asking how Ed and I were doing like she hadn’t just seen us the day before. I can’t lie, I was reveling in the attention that Ed was giving me, and I could tell he’d revel in my attention as well. A mutual pining on both sides. 

Normally, I’d be okay with that. Too scared to try and push things forward. Edward Nygma was different. He was just so…amazing. I’ve never felt so strongly towards someone. He was sweet, attentive, smart, and overall lovely. I couldn’t just settle for pining, I wanted to experience what it would be like as his lover. 

Which led me to this horrendous mess up of a confession.

I dressed up a bit nicer than usual, hoping to impress the cute dork. I felt confident in myself, an emotion I don’t feel regularly. I greeted Lee, who seemed like she guessed the occasion and sent me a wink when I walked past. 

“Hey Eddie,” I greeted, setting a cup of coffee down on the counter.

“Oh! Hello,” He greeted me, smiling. “You seem chipper this morning.”

Nudging the coffee towards him I smiled back, “It’s a good day today. I got you a coffee.”

“You didn’t need to,” Ed replied sheepishly, not used to people giving him things. 

I only shrugged, “I wanted to.” I tapped the counter I was leaning on as nerves started to slowly creep through me. So, before my anxiety could get the best of me, I blurted out, “What is mine but only you can have?”

With furrowed eyebrows, Ed actually paused to answer a riddle for the first time during this little game we had. His eyes flitted around the room, like he was trying to avoid the answer. I know he was smart enough to figure it out, so the fact he was taking so long to answer caused my heart rate to spike from anxiety. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I was reading the room wrong. I blame Lee for feeding me a wrong understanding. 

“I…uh…” Ed stuttered over his words, sweat dripping down the side of his face. Shit, shit, shit! I shouldn’t have said that. He does know the answer, I found it online easily, he obviously knows. He doesn’t feel the same and now he’s trying to find a way to politely reject me. 

“Nevermind!” I exclaimed, trying to quell my nerves by getting the fuck out of here. “Stupid riddle! Never needs an answer. I should get to work.”

“W-wait!” Eddie called out, making me stop in my tracks. So close yet so far. “I can be a fruit, I can be on a calendar, I can be important, and I can be forgotten. What am I?”

Turning back around, I watched as Eddie picked at his nails. We both seemed like complete messes at the moment. It was hard for me to think of anything due to my previous failure of admitting my feelings. I bit my lip awkwardly, trying to stop myself from making any more of a fool of myself.

“I…I’m not sure Eddie,” I chuckled solemnly.

Clearing his throat, he adjusted his glasses before admitting, “A date. W-would you accompany me on one?” I stared at him with wide eyes, unsure if I heard him correctly.

“Y-yeah! Of course I will!” That tinge of embarrassment was quickly overpowered by exhilaration. The smile that stretched across my face almost hurt with how big it was. Eddie’s smile was also wide as he still couldn’t meet my eyes.

“Is…is tonight okay? Dinner? 7 o’clock?”

“That sounds perfect.” 

And to make the moment better, I kissed his cheek before parting, excited for what the night held for us.

[yellow401]

In His Defense, Evan Already Hated Himself

I remember the first time I listened to Dear Evan Hansen, really listened. Up to that point, I had heard snatches of it here and there. It sounded catchy, but I was under the impression that it was a bit too first-world-problemsy for my taste. Oh, no, an angsty teenager is angsty! More touchy-feely musical theater that wouldn't interest me.

I'm not a huge musical theater listener, but my wife does have a couple of Pandora channels that delve into modern musicals (don't knock doing family history to the Hamilton mixtape 'til you've tried it). So it was that one day when my house was unusually quiet (the children not being at home) I was in the room when "Waving through a Window" came on Pandora. I listened:

 I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me

 and I thought, oh no. Oh no. I like this. I really, really like this.

Give them no reason to stare

No slippin’ up if you slip away

So I got nothin’ to share

No, I got nothin’ to say

I was unmade. I was not okay. If Dear Evan Hansen was too first-world-problemsy, then so was I, because Evan Hansen's problems were my problems. I identified with Evan Hansen on a level I wasn't comfortable with. I wasn't okay for days. This was middle-school me, sung by someone with a much better vocal range than I had, but it was exactly how I felt. Exactly. And I suddenly understood why so many people were going cuckoo for this musical. Because I was hooked.

I listened obsessively to the music. I wept. I apologized to my family for not treating them well enough. I've referenced it every time social anxiety comes up in conversation. It's been go-to listening for me when I'm in a bad mood ever since. It speaks to a part of me that I didn't know still existed. I've since graduated high school, and college twice; I successfully interact with scores of people each day at work. I can have the whole room in stitches when the mood is right. I regularly teach classes and give talks at church. I have three kids, a house, and a minivan, and we go to CostCo in our minivan, and I wonder what happened to my life as I'm loading boxes into the back of the minivan--but underneath all that, it turns out, is still a scared, socially anxious teenage boy. I've learned to deal with him, even befriend him, but he's still there, and Evan Hansen's words might as well be his. I didn't realize he was still there, but I feel more whole now that I can recognize that fact.

Because, for me, Dear Evan Hansen is ultimately a story about healing and forgiveness. In explaining why, I'm spoiling everything but the last thing--so if you aren't familiar with the plot, you could go listen to the music for free on the official Dear Evan Hansen YouTube channel. That's a good start.

When Connor Murphy tragically takes his own life at the beginning of his senior year in high school, Evan Hansen must overcome his crippling social anxiety and self-doubt to make sure his best friend's life is not forgotten. Nobody knew Connor and Evan were friends, but after Connor's family finds a note to Evan in his pocket and Connor's name written on Evan's cast, they learn the story and welcome Evan into their lives. With his friends Jared and Alana, Evan launches the Connor Project, a school-wide initiative dedicated to preserving Connor's memory. Evan speaks at the school assembly about how Connor was there for him when he broke his arm the previous summer. His story goes viral, softening hearts and driving home the message to people all over the country that no one ever has to be alone, or as the song puts it, "You Will Be Found." Evan gains confidence, finds love, and learns that he matters—he can make a positive difference in the world.

Except that it was all a lie. Connor and Evan weren't friends at all. A set of unfortunate coincidences combined with Evan's abject inability to stick up for himself leads to ever more convoluted manipulations of reality. The suicide note Connor's family found? A therapy letter from Evan to himself. Connor being there for Evan and taking him to the hospital after he fell? Nope—Evan was alone, and his boss drove him. And so it goes—Evan digs himself deeper and deeper; the cracks begin to show in his story and he becomes increasingly desperate to hang onto what he has gained. His efforts backfire: the original "suicide note" gets shared online, prompting a frightening internet backlash against the Murphys.

Evan finally comes clean to the Murphys in the song "Words Fail." He makes a last-ditch effort to explain why he let the lie go on for so long: he wanted to be part of the Murphys' perfect family.

I guess . . . I thought I could be part of this

I never had this kind of thing before

I never had the perfect girl who

Somehow could see the good part of me

I never had the dad who stuck it out

No corny jokes or baseball gloves

No mom who just was there

‘Cause mom was all that she had to be

This hail Mary fails utterly—the Murphys all walk out without saying a word. It is here that some critics have taken issue with the story, because they believe Evan got off far too easy. There is no retaliation, no public humiliation in store for Evan Hansen, just silence and loneliness. Evan manipulated the lives of Connor's grieving family for his own benefit, including dating Connor's sister, Zoe, on whom he's always had a crush. He manipulated the sympathy of other students and many people on the internet for his own fame and gain. He ruined his relationship with his hardworking single mother because he wanted something better. And his defense for this is that he didn't come from a loving, stable, two-parent household? That's it? Screw you, Evan. And screw all the fans of the show for being taken in by all this.

I understand where these critics are coming from, but I think they are wrong. I think this is because they hate themselves insufficiently to truly understand Evan Hansen.

Previous to his confession to the Murphy family, Evan has been conversing with the demons in his head via Imaginary!Connor, who has visited him before under happier circumstances. Connor mocks Evan's desire to come clean, stating that Evan can't even be honest with himself and reminding Evan that if he confesses, he will lose everything he has gained by lying. He will be all alone. And indeed, when the Murphys all wordlessly walk away from Evan's confession, the light slowly goes out on Connor as well, and Evan is left alone onstage to finally indulge his self-hatred.

I use the word "indulge" deliberately, because it matches my own experience. In our society, we are often encouraged to "stay positive" and to "believe in yourself." There are expectations that we will react positively to certain events deemed "good" and negatively to others deemed "bad." These expectations are not in and of themselves evil, but can break us as it is simultaneously exhausting to keep up appearances and unrewarding to be honest about our situation. For example, last year when we found out we were expecting a child, the traditional response was presumed to be one of joy. But we were also worried because the doctors had identified potentially life-threatening complications with the baby. It ultimately became too tiring for me to pretend to be excited about the baby or explain away why I wasn't, so I wrote a sappy email to my co-workers explaining some things. And it was awkward, and I'm sure it was TMI, but it was much easier emotionally after that, because I didn't have to pretend anymore.

Easy for me to say. But Evan is seventeen and has been pretending one way or another for most of the show while hiding his true insecurities and dark feelings from a world he has found through experience will be unsympathetic. After all the whirlwind of emotions and changing relationships as Evan became someone he wasn't, after ignoring all the lingering feelings of guilt and inventing ever-more-complex fixes for growing inconsistencies, after being "encouraged" to be positive by his mom and lifted up as a viral example to a fickle society, it must feel good to let it all fall away and just sit and HATE himself for a while.

Because here's the thing. Evan already felt that way about himself.

Make no mistake, Evan has effed up pretty bad by this point. But all this is just that he has found a particularly good reason to hate himself today. Even if he hadn't been involved in a large-scale deception involving the family of a classmate who took his own life, he would have found some minor error to loathe himself about. The lines

I never meant to make it such a mess

I never thought that it would go this far

could have been sung, for all we know, about the fact that he had an awkward conversation with Zoe at the beginning of the show. I know I've beaten myself up at length before for things that would be embarrassing to admit because of their triviality. I have practiced no large-scale deception, but the other day at work when I was discussing an upcoming unpopular decision, I sardonically said, "I've spent some time alone in the dark thinking about this," and one of my employees said, "Calm down, Evan Hansen."

So Evan is left alone in the dark to sing his anthem to self-loathing:

This was just a sad invention

It wasn't real, I know

But we were happy

I guess I couldn't let that go

I guess I couldn't give that up

I guess I wanted to believe

'Cause if I just believe

Then I don't have to see what's really there.

No, I'd rather

Pretend I'm something better than these broken parts

Pretend I'm something other than this MESS that I am,

'Cause then I don't have to look at it

and NO ONE gets to look at it

No, no one can really see

including a devastating reprise of the words he sang at the beginning, with soft piano and guitar-as-percussion replaced by passionate strings and devastating silence:

'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key,

Before I make the mistake,

Before I lead with the WORST of me.

I never let them see the worst of me!

'Cause what if ev’ryone saw?

What if ev’ryone knew?

Would they like what they saw?

Or would they hate it too?

(emphasis Ben Platt's)

All has come crashing down. "The mistake" is no longer an abstract concept. It's just as he feared, just as the Connor in his head warned him. Or is it? At the end of "Words Fail," Evan finally confronts his real self:

Will I just keep on running away from what's true?

All I ever do is run

So how do I step in

Step into the sun?

Step into the sun

Evan goes home, where it turns out the demons in his head were wrong about one thing. Evan's not alone. His mom is there, and she's figured everything out. But despite Evan's asserted fear to the contrary, she's not mad at him. In fact, she apologizes for not being there for him when he most needed her. She sings him a song about the day his dad left, ten years before—a song that would make me ugly cry even if I'd just been handed a check for ten million dollars. (As an eclectic pal of mine remarked, "What do [people] mean, 'He got off too easy?' He's been punishing himself for the last ten years!") She promises him this will one day all seem like a distant memory. Evan just walks away, as she says, "You'll see. I promise."

So begins the redemption of Evan Hansen. Most of the rest of his redemption is shown off-camera, because it's not actually all that important just how it happens. There are plenty of other stories about how someone is redeemed, and we can assume it was heavy work for Evan to confront his demons and face life as a real person instead of a constructed one. Rather, we are granted a glimpse into life a year later that shows evidence of progress, but also an act of forgiveness. Because forgiveness, as I mentioned 1,666 words ago, was actually the point.

It's clear from Evan and Zoe's conversation that it's been a hard year—they both admit it out loud; Evan hasn't been on speaking terms with the Murphys since his confession; he's never even seen the orchard he spent so much time talking about earlier in the story.

But there's also evidence of progress. Though Evan is feeling a range of emotions here, being intimidated by Zoe isn't one of them. Their conversation is bracingly honest. Evan's working in retail—so much for social anxiety! And when he starts another therapy assignment, the letter he writes is as to a friend: ". . . today, you're you . . . And that's . . . that's enough." He's clearly not done progressing, but he accepts himself, which was unthinkable at the beginning.

None of this should really be a surprise. Even in middle of all the lies, the fear Evan overcame when he spoke to the school assembly was real, and the relationships he formed were real while they lasted. The message of hope he shared resonated with thousands because it is, in fact, a message many of us need. Even though it didn't go well, he's been able to stand up to people, including the "voices in [his] head." Even in the midst of his despair, Evan has grown and can find new strength to stand.

And it is enough, honestly, that Evan's progressing, because who didn't have something to regret or move on from, here? Larry and Cynthia Murphy, whose marriage was on the rocks and who were deferring their guilt over the loss of their son by replacing him with Evan? Heidi Hansen, who flaked out on her son so many times he's not even surprised by it anymore? Jared and Alana, who each had their own personal reasons for prodding Evan further down the path he was on?

No, I'll tell you who—Zoe. Zoe, who got treated like trash by her brother and was told that it was she who needed to be more “constructive” with him; Zoe, who reached out to loser Evan in compassion when he got shoved to the ground; Zoe, who forgave her brother as soon as Evan mentioned that they said nice things about her; Zoe, who assured Evan that he was relationship material even as he apologized for apologizing. There's a poignant irony in the fact that Evan spent the whole show trying to build up Connor, who shoved him to the ground, who freaked out at his therapy note, as a nice guy, as his secret best friend; but it's ultimately Zoe, who was only ever good to Evan and who was truly hurt by his lies, who shows Evan the orchard, who tells him that everything turned out all right in the end. It's a small glimpse, but Zoe's act of forgiveness toward Evan ultimately shows us that everything can turn out okay.

If there's a moral to the story for me, it's that everything turned out all right—but maybe it didn't have to happen at all. It's hard to imagine how Evan would have gotten himself out of the mess he was in, knowing what we know about him, but we aren't him; we don't have to be him. We can stick up for ourselves. We can speak the truth, even when someone desperately wants it to not be true. We can take a good, long look at ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are—and we can work to change ourselves and our circumstances rather than simply pretending to be something we're not. Unfortunately, it won't be enough to "just believe [we] can be who [we] want to be," but it will be infinitely better in the end when we do achieve lasting improvements in our lives.

And we can reach out to the Evans in our lives. It turns out that, as much as teenage me identifies with Evan Hansen, 34-year-old me is closer to Heidi. I have three beautiful children that miss me when I'm not home and pester me when I'm on my phone. I can "just gimme a minute" my son out of playing a game together until it's past bedtime unless I consciously make an effort not to. The stresses of my day don't matter to my kids. They just need to be loved (and put back to bed 1,000 times, which is an expression of my love for them, I guess). I am, against all probability, a leader in my own congregation, and the responsibility is partly mine to help these people feel God's love and understand they don't need to be a different person to be a better person. I'm not a licensed therapist, but people do ask my advice about being gay and a Latter-day Saint, and I hope I'm helping them get their questions answered in such a way that they loathe themselves, maybe, a bit less when we're through. I've received much and now I must give much, probably for the rest of my life.

When I hear Evan sing "And oh, someone will come running," I weep inwardly with weariness at the thought that I have to be the one who comes running, and that there are so many people "broken on the ground." And then I have to look at myself honestly, make sure I am not "[running] faster than [I have] strength (Mosiah 4:27)." What can I do? So little. But it's something. "And that's . . . that's enough."

(Thank you, Evan Hansen.)