#but it's just soooooo boring and unfulfilling....

[ikyw-t]

does anyone here have any wisdom on knowing when it's time to quit a job? I've been working for a nonprofit research company and my job is to go to people's houses to try to get them to participate in this national research project. which i do actually believe in and I think people should participate and it's important work and everything and my manager/everyone at the company is actually very nice and want to see me succeed and are generally very nice and helpful

but my job is basically just me driving around in my car all day, knocking on doors, and i actually love talking to people but most people don't even open up so in reality it's just me in my car for multiple hours at a time not talking to anybody. and this is a temporary that goes until late dec/ early jan so it's not even that long and i wanted to try doing something new and I believe in the mission but i just don't like actually doing the job :/// and it feels stupid to quit bc it's already temporary anyway, and also im only 1 of 2 people that are working in my state so :// but also i feel like I'm not even doing a very good job like ive gotten 3 people to register for the program in the past two weeks and i feel like if I'm not even enthusiastic about it then the people who's door I'm at can probably tell and so I kinda feel like I'm wasting everyone's time :////

i wanted to do this job bc i was thinking i would get to talk to more people but as it is i just feel lonely in my car all day and im not even getting any results and I kinda feel like I'm just wasting the nonprofit's time and money but if i quit there won't be a lot of time for them to rehire/retrain someone to work in this state so.... Idk does anyone have any thoughts about this bc i feel kinda ://///////

[punk-scum-of-the-earth]

I just rewatched queen charlotte and i'll be honest that show is nothing without the brimsley & reynolds side plot (to ME!! i will watch shows for gay characters. sue me.) so it annoys me that they did it kinda not interestingly. like. so soooooo much potential and it did nothing, nothing about how they could only ever talk about themselves by using metaphors for the king and queen or how detached reynolds is in comparison to brimsley. no I had to settle for almost nothing. it would have been so easy to make that storyline absolutely devastating but alas no we had to spend all our time on the other hetero relationships, not to say the other storylines were boring or uninteresting I think they were actually quite nice it's just for the first non hetero couple in the bridgerton universe to feel so thin was really disappointing. it felt like somebody somewhere had mapped out a whole elaborate storyline for the two of them only for it to only partially be incorporated. I like the show I thinks it's nice and easy and very shondaland (not always a compliment mind you) but I'm just annoyed at how unfulfilled brimsley & reynolds story felt especially since there's no season two.

[lem-cup-rev]

Hawkeye (2021)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

January 21, 2022

-Spoilers-

What a lovely little mixed bag! I think it could have been great tightened up to one movie. There were several plot points I thought were boring, but some stuff was SO worth it.

Kate is a really fun character. I love her acting, she's always sort of wide-eyed and alert, but more to make a joke than to make a plan. I like that she brought a funny, madcap tone around with her, but I think it also had the effect of not making me feel like she'd learned anything new about responsibility or perspective by the end.

I really liked Clint too. He's so palpably tired and grieving and it shifts the vibe of the whole stock villain conflict in a compelling way. I really like people that are kind as routine and don't draw attention to it. His desire to keep Kate away from danger is compelling, and I didn't feel like there was a reason for that to change and him to let her be his partner at the end, although it was really sweet.

Maya was cool but it's hard for me to get into her motivation. She seemed to think Ronin was an evil, senseless killer, but surely as a mobster her family has hurt people.

Yelena was soooooo good. The light of my freaking life. The thing she has where she casually goes between fighting and threatening and chatting and making friends?? Oh my God. What she has with Kate is so good. And her looks in this are so sexy. But God, her motivation was nothing for me. Feels like such a trite, unfulfilling trope to have someone convinced the good guy is the bad guy for no deeper reason. The point at which she can finally be convinced of the truth and stop attacking feels arbitrary.

I freaking love that the mom turned out to be a 'villain' and the smarmy, suspicious father-in-law was fine and was just like that.

OH. And ROGERS THE MUSICAL. That was MY Christmas present.

[hommebizarre]

The Beginning: Part 2

This is the second entry to a six part series. Please read the first entry if you haven’t already, it was posted October 1st. Happy scrolling!

“Translation” of the entry pictured above:

“Hanna 9-25-?

Once upon a time there was a unicorn. That unicorn was so bored, so it went to Bunny’s house. Bunny had a sign on the door. It said, ‘Dear friends, I can’t play today. My mom took me to the dentist to get three teeth pulled out. -From Bunny’ Then he went to turtles house. His mom opened the door [and] Unicorn said, “Is Turtle there?” [She responded,] ‘He’s at soccer practice.’ So he went to Elephant’s house [and] he went to Lizard’s house to do homework together. So Unicorn went to Dolphin’s house, he had to go to her brother’s football game, so [Unicorn] went home.

[Unicorn] opened the door, he started to cry. His mother said, ‘What’s the matter?’ [He responded,] “I don’t know who to play with. I went to Bunny’s house [and] she had to get three teeth pulled out. Then, I went to turtles house [and] Turtle had to go to soccer practice. Dolphin had to go to her brother’s football game, and then I went to Elephants house. Elephant went to Lizard’s house to do homework together, so who am I gonna–’ ‘Me!’, said his mother. And they played lots of fun crafts and games.

The end.”

As I stated in part one, these journal entries say a lot and it is clear that something was wrong. Why is a seven year old child feeling the need to express such sadness through handwriting? I read all of the entries to a friend of mine and he was literally astounded. It didn’t occur to me how unnatural it was, but after the look on my friends face, I could tell these entries were powerful. Unnatural is the wrong adjective, powerful is more fitting.

Anyway, this entry isn’t about my exciting trip to the fair (once again, refer to part 1). Instead it’s a fictional story about a unicorn who reached out to several friends wanting to play, but alas, the unicorn ended up alone. There are many aspects of this entry that make it interesting to reflect on as an adult. I’m gonna try and make a list of these things, bare with me.

1) I’ve always been an animal lover, and all of the characters in the story are animals. I love animals, but especially sea animals and reptiles/amphibians, so the turtle, lizard, and dolphin characters make sense. Sounds endearing until you realize how fucking sad the story is. I wish I could give seven year old Hanna a hug.

2) Many characteristics show that this fictional tale is a thinly veiled autobiographical story. Around this age, I went to the dentist and got some of my teeth pulled, which was a fairly traumatic experience that I remember quite vividly. I cannot confirm whether it was three teeth or if it was in 2003 (I called my mom and asked), but I wouldn’t doubt it. It’s just a weirdly specific detail. Another reason I can tell I am actually writing about my life is that I played soccer at this age, hence the part where I mention soccer practice.

3) I am obviously writing as if I am the unicorn, but the unicorn is a guy. I probably shouldn’t read into it too hard because I was trying to write as a seven year old, but I found it to be interesting. I knew I was a girl at that point obviously, so why not the unicorn be a girl? Was I trying to hide the fact that I was actually the unicorn? I have no idea. But, to this day, any inanimate object or living animal I always call a “he.” I don’t know why, but when I look at something my brain automatically personifies it as a guy. It doesn’t happen 100% of the time, but I would say a good 85% of the time.

4) As a child I cried. A lot. So much so that my mother would reward me by marking the days on the calendar when I didn’t cry. I cried every day of my life for the first decade. My poor mother. My reaction to not finding anybody to play with are immediately tears. I didn’t say that I was sad or angry, I said that the unicorn went home, opened the door, and started to cry. Sounds like Hanna. *P.S. I still cry at least once a week. Sometimes more.*

5) The storyline itself reflects my lack of friends while growing up. I have always been an outlier that struggled to fit in. I was running around the mountains and collecting rocks as a kid while being alone, I don’t remember there being a friend with me often. This used to be a lot more difficult for me to deal with than it is now. Don’t get me wrong, even today there are times where it isn’t easy being the weird one, but I can appreciate it more than I once did.

6) And last but not least, my mom has always been a source of security for me. Solace was found by the unicorn when he came home and “played lots of fun crafts and games” with his mother. Up until I was about 18 years old I was dead set on the idea that my mother was some sort of godly figure that made no mistakes. Obviously she is human and has made her fair share of mistakes, but learning that as an adult threw me on my ass. She was the only person I had amidst all of the chaos in the household caused by my father. Now I am 22 and I have recently been processing my relationship with my mother in a way I never have before, similarly to when I was 18, but it’s also completely different. This is actually hard for me to even write about because I am still trying to figure out what the fuck I am thinking. Tangent in 5...4….3...2...1.

So, let’s just get a few things out of the way. I know my mom loves me and I have never questioned that in my life. Ever. She supports me in my decisions through my academic career, my career career, my artistic abilities, sometimes even financially when I am struggling to make ends meet (shout out to being a student and a teacher aka I am broke). If I am sad, my mom will always listen to what I have to say and hug me and tell me it’s going to be alright. Awesome, right? I am not questioning her ability to love me, I know she loves me, but recently I have been feeling like there’s always been something lacking in our relationship.

Emotional intelligence is what is lacking. I cannot reprimand her for this, because her awareness is just part of who she is. Certain things that she does/has done indeed hurts me, although she is completely unaware why or how she’s hurting me. Let me list a couple of things that evidence her lack of emotional intelligence: a) the obvious one is carrying my father on her back for the majority of my life. That relationship was toxic and clearly traumatic for me, but my mother stayed in hopes of keeping her family together and to get some money from her mother in law. b) her unconditional love is sometimes too unconditional…? As in, sometimes the best decision to make is to not help somebody, like if helping them is just enabling them. This applies to my dad and also my sister. My mom recently got ordained so she could marry my sister to her second husband on October 20th, 2018. I didn’t go to the wedding, I went skydiving in Vegas instead. Nothing says til’ death do us part like jumping out of an airplane. My sister split from her first husband about a year ago and she is already onto her second marriage. Everything about the story is fishy to me and anybody else I have shared it with, but mama bear supports her babies through it all, even if it’s not the greatest decision on the baby’s part. They also got married in a location that my family and I have been going to since I was an infant. It’s a place that I hold dearly to my heart because it reminds me of family, something that I don’t have much of. So of course my sister marrying her second husband under unclear circumstances in a location I deem as a temple is going to hurt my fucking feelings. I’m scared for my sister because she is clearly not processing things and is suppressing soooooo hard. But, again, mama bear supports her babies through it all. Lack of emotional intelligence. Catchin’ my drift? c) I don’t even have a c), but I don’t think I need one.

Let me try to swing this back around to my original point. My mother has always been a pillar of comfort in my life, as portrayed in the conclusion of my fictional story, but as I grow older I reflect on our relationship and feel a lack of fulfillment somewhere. It’s hard for me to explain exactly what that is because I am currently trying to figure it out, but as I said, her lack of emotional awareness hurts me. I don’t want it to hurt me because I know that it is something fairly out of her control (or is it not?). Ugh, ambivalence. It’s just hard to know that the one consistent human in your entire life is not on the same page as you. Regardless of how many hugs, kisses, gifts, or words of affirmation are given, if your emotional comfort is not on the same page as you then it will result in a feeling of some really confusing unfulfillment.

So yeah. That took a really fucking weird unexpected turn. Sorry if you’re confused. Actually, not sorry if you’re confused, because I am clearly confused so it would only make sense that you also may be confused. And that’s all folks. Thanks for reading.