#but jesu fucking texas toast hell christ...

[violet-dragongirl]

Yep I need to take a break, eat, drink, maybe get tipsy, watch some Lupin III Series 5 and chill for second

[bluiex]

i put it in google docs to check the word count it’s a bit over 1000 words so that’s fun, but without further ado, i present:

funny things i have read in smut:

“Then he hit the bundle of nerves that fanfic readers are all too familiar with.”

“Luckily he is also a slippery motherfucker.”

“inexperienced in the art of giving giant people hand jobs.”

“Getting cock blocked my a church!”

“I’m not a food (name)”

“unsure why (name) was treating him like he was at the dentist”

“Also when they arrived (name) threw a plushie at them, hitting (name) square in the face.”

“I-uh I wh-uhm I”

“Breed! Breed! Breed! Mate! Mate! Mate!”

“(name) smiled “sure just don’t kill me””

“(name) would probably just scold them and then offer some advice and (name) would probably just laugh and offer to punch (name)’s stomach or some bullshit. “

“She then sauntered her way back to the over-eager man laying in an idiotic position on the bed, probably trying to be mock-seductive.”

“"What? Don't you like what you see?"”

“he let out a shaky breath and stood up straight(gay)”

“(name) finds out where all the missing orphans went, and no, it’s not Technoblade.”

“(very unimaginative for a nonhuman, what were his parents thinking?)”

“it was at that moment that (name) had internally asked himself three questions: am I really considering sex with a dragon? Is this really what my life has come to? Dragon fucking?”

“" Sorry gang I have to take the fattest piss in the whole year."”

“"I just don't think you are gonna be screaming pickles in the middle of fucking-"”

“Angry at (name) for even having the audacity to be alive and breathing.”

““Look, I’m your chambermaid not your chambertherapist,””

““I saw a man purchasing cocaine from another man.” He mentioned offhandedly.”

“"Fuck you" he responded, lowering himself to lay on the monsters chest and stomach.

'That's what your doing'”

“Author: Am eating cucumber”

“(name” smirked with delight, reaching down to poke at his cloaca”

“he got so many new experiences (yes, even beans on toast)”

“”did you just.. call me dude in a romantic way?”

““Were you expecting me to say ‘it’s dishonourable to attack when not ready!’?””

“(names) hands are shaking so much that he might actually shoot one of them in the foot. Which would seriously kill the mood.”

“Is he not also deserving of being a sexy pirate with huge tits?”

“He doesn’t know what he’ll do if (name) pulls away and starts talking again. Cry, probably.”

“sorry i was possessed by an evil spirit called homosexuality writing this”

“im normal *paces around my cage*”

“i need to fuck this himbo.”

“am I saying that gay sex is the solution to relationship problems? Absolutel- *dies*”

“and precisely nothing changes between Pearl and Scott.”

“the real fantasy here is having a shower that's big enough for more than one person lmao”

“not like he was thinking of boneing (name) or (name) anytime soon.”

“(name) has eaten (name) out (wow that's really a sentence I just typed)”

“Tea anon *shakes you like a maraca*”

“because holy hell (name) has got to have some absolutely incredible thighs”

“I know that we all universally agree that (name) has the biggest dick on the server”

“I just think they should fuck and it would solve all their problems. Or make them worse, but at least they’d have fucked <3”

““tiddies plz? May I have a face full of them?””

“(especially after he's been fucked into the next century by her-)”

“When he is satisfyied and (name) is a right mess and a little hard- (name) just leaves lmao”

“You have my utmost respect and love person who suggested it I will give you a handshake”

“Hi I have a headache the size of Texas but that doesn’t stop the Headcanons from plaguing me like visions.”

“(name) just walkin around butt ass naked, dick out :sobs: /pos”

“getting the fucked and bred into the next century-“

“"he's a fucking dumbass jesus christ i want to bear his children"”

“(name) lingered, because he was a simple man, and couldn’t turn down a chance to look at (name)’s ass. In his defence, it was not a bad choice. Man.”

“Not that burying his face in (name)’s tits was a bad time,”

“(name) slurred out a grumbling complaint, so far from any word that (name) was almost impressed.”

“(name), I am going to set you on fire, please.”

“(name) raised his eyebrows at (name)’ choice to not wear underwear. The man was truly feral sometimes.”

“This goes even harder (hehe)”

“Why do school work when imaginary men can fuck in our heads *gets run over*”

“Unfortunately, it covered all of (name)’s actual ass,”

“his eyes relaxing and focusing in on the much nicer view of (name)’s chest.”

““Are you saying that to me, or my boobs?””

“little panting sounds as he tried to remember how to breathe.”

“He needed to scream into a pillow, like, now. And then do other things with that pillow”

“She could talk to him however the fuck she wanted after riding him like that.”

“And my god if anyone saw his back they'd think he got attacked by a bear or something “

“(name)’s sense of time is a little – hah! – fucked right now.”

“resisted that dang mouth”

“(name) has two tits!”

“a worker is giving him a weird look for clearly having boner while staring at some bell peppers.”

“He really was a friend shaped nugget”

““If it's not a booty call I'm not interested,” “

“(name) bussy canonically has the power to unlock peoples closeted inner fruit”

“the glass was so fragile that gay sex was enough to shatter it”

“just waiting for (name) to calm down. (name) also waits for (name) to calm down.”

“and enjoy the ride””

“nor does (name) actually get off on being commanded to fuck. (well, he might. i've never asked.)”

““I’m at a vulnerable time in my species transition and you’re making sex slave jokes?””

““Well, stop being horny for five seconds and let me finish explaining.””

“Gotta have a weird gay thing going with at least one of your friends at all times.””

““Oh no, your dick is broken! I’m prescribing you blow jobs~””

“trying to look calm and collected. like a cucumber.”

“giving it the sloppiest toppy he could in his state.”

-🍞

“Breed! Breed! Breed! Mate! Mate! Mate!” I felt that. LOL

““Are you saying that to me, or my boobs?”” FAVE FAVE FAVE

[pointreyesjournal]

The Chicken Holocaust : ep167

According to Christopher Cross sailing “takes me away to where I've always heard it could be.” It’s a romantic notion, and with the girls onboard, it’s a romantic thing.

Take the girls out of the equation and sailing becomes a whole different animal.

While at anchor the girls transform the entire aft cockpit of the yacht into a lounge with softly glowing LED edison lights, a table, and comfortable pillows everywhere. Honestly, for eating charcuterie and sitting out under the stars with a glass of wine, it’s magical.

But the girls are gone (by their own admission in the last text we received, they never made it to the city. In fact, they only made it to my house and they claim to be skinny dipping in the hot tub and drinking more wine) so Henrik stows away the lights and pillows and converts the boat back to sailing trim in preparation for our morning departure.

With the girls gone, peeing becomes much more entertaining. Sword fights off of the transom are the rule, not the exception. And considering how much we’ve had to drink today, the weasels are being drained off of the back of the boat every twenty minutes or so.

We are devolving quickly. Henrik’s shirt has come off and he looks a helluva lot like Lieutenant Dan. I look and sound a whole lot like Colonel Kurtz, and Floody … well Floody kinda looks like Floody. He’s already fucking nuts.

And as predicted, Henrik has smuggled Romeo y Julieta Churchill cigars from the caribbean. Churchills are glorious cigars. They’re medium dark, with a rich, woody and complex aroma. The boat is the perfect place to store them because of the high humidity. So they taste fresh and delicious. Henrik’s even got the little cigar cutter that looks like a medieval circumcision tool and the mini blow torch to get the party started.

Someday in the not too distant future, 50% of this yacht will be Beri’s and shenanigans will be disallowed or discouraged. But that day has yet to come, so tonight we’re drinking 30 Year Sherry Cask Aged Macallan and smoking Churchill cigars below deck.

The game tonight is Texas Hold’em. $100 buy-in, no limit, two rebuys. Since we’re all about the same skill in poker, we each rebuy once and the money mostly just travels in circles around the table.

Henrik finally cleans me out when I go all-in with a King-high straight. He beats me with the only card in the deck that can do it, the Ace of Hearts. Fucker.

Out of the game, and idle hands being the Devil’s playground, I begin rummaging through the galley. It’s not long before I stumble upon the goldmine.

Me: What the hell is this?

Henrik: Chicken wings.

Me: How many?

Henrik: Six dozen.

Me: Jesus Christ, why did you bring so many?

Henrik: Well the girls were supposed to be here with us tonight.

Floody: Dude … girls don’t eat that much.

Henrik: Guys … do I look like I grocery shop? This was all Beri’s idea. You should see all the deviled eggs in there too.

Me: Dude, your fridge looks like the chicken holocaust!

Henrik: Little brother, can’t you see I’m trying to win all of Floody’s money too. Why don’t you go topside and fire up the barbeque so we can eat those damn wings.

Me: Aye aye captain! Wings coming up.

Over the sizzling sound of grilling chicken wings I hear Henrik cursing in his native tongue. Floody has cleaned him out and walks away with a tidy $500 profit. 

We end the evening toasting Macallan on the rocks to the three best friends in the world and eating buffalo wings fresh off of the grill and throwing the bones off of the transom into the bay.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm kinda glad the girls bailed on us tonight, it was a lot of fun. I needed this.

[violet-dragongirl]

Bed

The day was good. Uneventful.

Save of course for that one post I had to respond to because honestly jesu fucking texas toast wisconsin waigyu hell christ

Gears 5 as usual was frustrating but I had a good roll of matches with the crew I play with so it's all good

Rest well when you do everyone <3