#but like when he goes and beats the shit of michelle's sister's ex

[emimiketrash]

That EmiMike x JJBek Highschool AU Headcanon that Nobody Asked For

Like really, nobody asked for two pairings in one headcanon. This was a random idea at 3 in the morning. Excuse this shitty sad piece of work.

This is basically Part 1 wherein I lay the groundwork. This is going to be long so go eat some food and a mug of hot chocolate while reading this. Please let me know if I should continue this. Thank you! Mickey and Otabek (The Bros)

Mickey and Otabek are best friends (mainly because Mickey knows that Beka is gay af and wouldn’t dare touch his sister, Sara). The first time they met, Otabek made it very clear that he wasn’t interested in women let alone Sara (she thought Otabek was rather cute). Like… M: (angry-threateningly) Let’s make this perfectly clear. Stay away from my sister or I will cut you in half in your sleep. O: Let’s make THIS perfectly clear. I’m not interested in your sister. S: *gasps* WHAAAAT??? M: (angry-surprised) …wha …what did you say? I call bullshit on that!!!! How can you say that so calmly?!?!?!? DON’T THINK THAT BY SAYING SUCH THINGS THAT I’LL LET YOU DATE SARA— O: I’m not interested in Sara because it’s how it is, Michele – I’m not interested in women. S: … M: …what? Sara understood what that meant immediately. Mickey took more time to get convinced.

Eventually, Mickey and Otabek bond over some little things like appreciation for good coffee, amazing literary pieces, and eventually, a love for good movies. They get to know each other better and become something like blood brothers.

People in school are afraid of Mickey (because people think he’s angry-crazy). He actually just cares too much. But he’s the best guy to go to for help with home economics stuff (but because he’s introverted as hell, he’s not used to helping people out). But he’s good with other subjects, too.

Mickey (and Sara) help out at their dad’s restaurant, which is the best one in the city, part-time. Mickey wants to take over the restaurant one day. Sara wants to do something else with her life (like being a theater actress with her “best friend”, Mila. At least, Mickey thinks they’re best friends. Otabek knows what’s up but won’t tell Mickey because he thinks Sara should do the honors.)

Otabek is a genius in music, art, and literature. He’s also quite good with history. Otabek wants to be a musician. He also DJs in his spare time. While he’s a god at dropping some fire-ass beats, he’s also experimenting with a more retro sound, like that of the 80’s.

Otabek goes to school on a foreign student scholarship, and lives with the Crispinos, and he also helps out at Mr. Crispino’s restaurant. Although Mr. Crispino, kind man that he is, is insistent that Otabek doesn’t need to work, Otabek says otherwise. At least he gets paid (and quite well) to help, and all that income is divided into 30% allowance and 70% sent back to his family at Kazakhstan (what an Ota-bae). Otabek’s allowance sometimes goes to saving up for new DJ-ing equipment.

Otabek keeps in touch with his other best friend, Yurio Plisetsky from ballet school back in Russia, through Skype (Yurio’s on tour at the moment). Every time they call, utter chaos happens in the house (ex. the police show up at the Crispinos because the neighbors heard loud screaming because of Mickey or Mr. Crispino yell at Yurio for the litany of offensive shit he says. #CrispinosHaveNoChill). Otabek still has no idea how to calm everybody down.

JJ and Emil (The Other Bros) Sidenote: I got the idea to make them best friends from this headcanon by @pasteurellapestis​. Bless them for their amazing EmiMike/MichEmil headcanons

JJ and Emil, the star hockey players of the school, basically rule the school. JJ is the well-celebrated King Bee captain and Emil is everybody’s favorite lovable dork.

They’re best friends because they both love sports, they’re both so lively it’s infectious, and they’re both the hottest guys at school. They’re both huge dorks. They’re nerdier than the science club nerds at school. Only Emil knows about JJ’s love for science.

They met back in freshman year when they both signed up for the hockey team. He saw Emil reading a science magazine and asked if he read that new article that dissected the study on positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles and why the process was impossible.

JJ’s family is loaded as fuck because they’re a family of professional athletes.

Emil’s dad designs cellphones for a huge tech company, and that’s how Emil not only got interested in technology, but it’s also how he gets a new phone every year (for free). His mom’s a doctor and is actually the Crispinos’ family physician. Her caring nature rubbed off on Emil, which explains why Emil cares so much for his loved ones. The Nekola family isn’t rich nor poor but they’re a happy bunch.

But because JJ is… well, JJ, it’s harder for him to be as endearingly nerdy as Emil. JJ has the whole cool guy branding he needs to maintain. But JJ is a huge science dork. He raves over everything new in the science world with Emil. Emil hits back with some new tech stuff.

JJ loves music. He secretly has a thing for 80’s music, especially power rock. But he doesn’t mind a fire beat every now and then, especially if it doesn’t sound either super basic or the music isn’t something annoyingly mainstream. He writes his own music sometimes. He’s also quite interested in photography. JJ sometimes crosses over to another town for photowalks because he can’t be seen in his local town because these kinds of things aren’t cool. (JJ does spot Otabek during one photowalk and wonders to himself, “Do I know him from somewhere?”)

Because Emil’s free as a bird to be himself, he’s actually part of the robotics club at school. He sometimes makes things that end up blowing up. One time, the whole school had to be evacuated because Emil’s latest robot set off the fire alarms. (Mickey scolded him for that one.)

Emil also loves anime, movies, TV shows, etc. with inventors, robots, hi-tech shit, and fantasy. He also loves “Phineas and Ferb” and the entire “Voltron” series. (He always thought of himself as Phineas and Mickey as Ferb.)

Mickey and Emil (EmiMike/MichEmil), Part 1

Mickey and Emil were childhood friends and neighbors. Their houses are next to each other’s. In fact, Emil and Mickey can see each other from their windows. Even if they both grew up and apart (or at least, Mickey thinks they grew apart), Emil still always loved Mickey.

Whenever Mickey wakes up in the morning and looks out the window, he always sees Emil waving at him (sometimes shirtless) and mouthing, “Good morning, Mickeeeey!" Mickey reacts by either yelling at him to put a shirt on or ragingly shutting the drapes.

Sometimes, Emil offers Mickey (and Otabek because Emil is such a nice guy huhu) a ride to school, to which Mickey vehemently refuses, thinking that Emil (and other guys) is just after his sister ever since puberty hit her like a big, yellow school bus.

Emil usually invites Mickey to sit with him at lunch, but Mickey regularly refuses. Mickey did sit with them once but he hated the experience because he thought JJ was radiating douchiness everywhere. (JJ is just bad at making good impressions, poor baby.)

Emil is always one to invite Mickey to go places with him: the groceries, the beach, the park, the mall, the local drive-in, etc. He even invited Mickey to dinner (just the two of them). Mickey always says no. Sometimes, Emil feels defeated because Mickey says no and sometimes doesn’t understand why his childhood friend became so distant.

Emil tried dropping shit tons of hints that it was Mickey he was interested in and not Sara, but all those hints just did was make Mickey think Emil wanted Sara. Mickey always fails to pick up those hints. Sara is tired af of her brother’s obliviousness. It’s clear to Sara and even Otabek that Emil is gay af for Mickey.

Emil confided in JJ about his feelings for Mickey. JJ was like, “Uhm, duh.” It went down like this, non-verbatim: E: Wait you knew? J: The whole school knows, man! Well, except Crispino himself. I think his sister knows, too. E: *smirks* Hmm, do you think Beka knows? J: Wh-- wha-- Beka? Who’s that? E: *teasingly* Oh, you know? Beka, our dear friend from Kazakhstan? J: Beka? Like, B-Becca Mitchell? E: *laughs his ass off* Yeah, sure. Becca Mitchell. Emil thinks JJ has a thing for Beka. And he was right.

Otabek and JJ (JJBek), Part 1

JJ, being observant as hell, always seems to notice Otabek whenever he sees the Kazakh boy anywhere. The first time he saw Otabek was at a photowalk in a neighboring town. (Otabek also noticed JJ but didn’t want to say anything. Beka thought it might not be a good idea to draw attention to JJ without the latter asking for it.) The second time was when he saw Otabek arriving to school on his motorbike (which JJ dubs as “The Otabike”). No one else except the Crispinos notices Otabek.

JJ asks Phichit Chulanont, everybody’s go-to information database, to dig up some information about Beka, to which Phichit took longer to do it than usual because Otabek hardly uses his social media accounts. Phichit had to resort to traditional investigative means to deliver.

JJ learned as much about Otabek as Phichit could uncover: that Otabek was from Almaty, Kazakhstan; that he was on a foreign exchange scholarship; that he lived with the Crispinos and works part-time for their dad’s restaurant; and that his closest friend was Michele Crispino. Basically, it was hard to find something about Beka other than that.

JJ decides to take it from here and attempt to be friends with Mickey (so he can get to Beka), only for the Italian man (who assumed that JJ wants to date Sara) to glare at the Canadian darkly and utter (of course), “You stay away from my sister or say goodbye to your dick. You pick.” JJ basically sweats nervously and quietly retreats. Otabek, who was watching the whole time, raises and eyebrow and wonders what the hell that was all about.

Otabek secretly is interested in JJ because he could see there’s something different about JJ that separates him from the other hockey players. Well, everyone knows Emil’s a dork, but with JJ, it’s something Otabek couldn’t seem to lay a finger on.

One time after PE, Otabek saw JJ step out of the shower in his post-shower naked glory. Otabek was sent to the infirmary because of extreme loss of blood. Mickey had to stay till his dad could pick Otabek up.

Otabek once told Yurio about JJ through their Skype convos and even sent pictures. Yurio thought that JJ looked like a douchebag, but willingly supports Otabek if he thinks JJ will make him happy (even if Yurio visibly cringes at the thought. Otabek smirks and laughs it off.)

Bonus Headcanons (in case y’all be wondering where everybody else is):

Phichit Chulanont is the local walking information database with huge-ass brows full of secrets. He runs the school newspaper (and its social media accounts), with Sara Crispino as his associate editor and Minami Kenjirou as a news correspondent. Phichit is also the number one source for information trading at school, but requesting for his services comes with a hefty price. Phichit sometimes uses his information to play matchmaker.

Yuuri Katsuki and Phichit are still best friends (like in canon-verse) because why the hell not. Minami usually tries to hang with them when he gets the chance. The two forget he’s even there sometimes. (There was one time when Phichit and Yuuri drove off just as Minami was about to open the door. Yikes.)

Yuuri and Victor Nikiforov are the crowned Homecoming power couple of the school. Victor is the head dance captain of the school and also rules the school alongside Yuuri. Because, well, why not? There’s no conflict of social power between Victor and JJ; Victor just doesn’t give a shit about JJ (ouch). When Victuuri walks down the hallways together, they basically come with their own theme song. (refer here)

Sara Crispino and Mila Babicheva are totally dating. Mr. Crispino whole-heartedly supports his daughter’s relationship. Mickey took more time to be convinced (especially about the existence of lesbians like wtf Mickey seriously) but came around. Sara and Mila are also part of the school’s drama club.

Leo de la Iglesias and Guang-hong Ji are also part of the hockey team and are basically falling in love with each other. Although the two haven’t said anything, JJ totally ships them. He also sees Leo as his potential heir apparent.

Chris Giacometti is the guidance counselor at school who regularly promotes safe sex when someone comes in for counseling. He gives sex advice sometimes. His most notable counseling session that came with sex adviuce was with Leo and Guang-Hong (gee, I wonder why). When the old sex-ed teacher retired, Chris immediately applied for the position (and basically sweet-talked his way to get the job). He also brings his cat to school sometimes. Chris’ husband sometimes visits and brings him lunch.

Minako Okukawa, one of the dance club advisers, just loves watching Chris’ thicc booty bounce. During trainings, Yuuri sometimes has to catch Minako-sensei’s attention back to Earth just to refocus her attention on club practice.

Georgi Popovich is the adviser of the drama club (because why not). During an “investigation”, Phichit unearthed photos of Mr. Popovich’s career wherein he played Caribose during a run of Sleeping Beauty at West End, and he looked like he applies makeup like it’s a pie to the face. No one could look at Mr. Popovich the same way again.

Phichit has a particular crush on the fashion club’s vice-president, Seung-gil Lee. Seung-gil feels the same way but doesn’t know how to express his feelings.

Yakov Feltsman is the school principal. He particularly dislikes Victor sometimes for being unconventionally rebellious and annoyingly chill. Yosek Karpíšek is the vice-principal. Lilia Baranovskaya is the head of the arts department and is sometimes confused as to why the hell she hired Minako.

It’s actually much longer than I anticipated, but if you stayed till the end, thanks for reading this. Stay tuned for Part 2 (where somebody saves the school dance and enthralls one of our main characters loljk)!

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week 32

brief reviews of the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 16 august 1997, 18 august 2007, and 19 august 2017

8.16.1997

6) "2 Become 1," by Spice Girls

This is just a '90s R&B song! This song doesn't even have the courtesy to be kitschy! This is completely indistinguishable from the rest of the '90s R&B, breathy whispered vocals about sex. There's no -- "Be a little bit wiser, baby/Put it on/Put it on" -- okay. OKAY. Sure. I guess that's something. If your song has no other value, might as well throw quality actionable advice in there. I hope the next song is some milquetoast R&B beat while people sing lines like "Your stomach takes a while to tell your brain it's full/Don't have that third slice of the ‘za, baby."

51) "All I Want," by 702

Oh hell yeah, I love this. I love that this is a Missy Elliott track, and I also love that this group did the titular song for Pootie Tang. I am way into this. This is a breezy summer jam that hits all the Good '90s R&B buttons.

54) "To Make You Feel My Love," by Billy Joel

this sounds exactly like you think it would sound and is as pleasant to listen to as you think it would be and i'm just gonna bounce after 30 seconds because i get it, i see what he's trying to do here and don't want to stick around to see if he pulls it off

55) "Big Bad Mama," by Foxy Brown ft./Dru Hill

I don't disagree with this! I can't find any way to hook onto this, but I already called one thing a breezy summer jam because I didn't feel like thinking too hard about it, so I'm in a bit of a predicament here. Like, this song is OK. It has a memorable bass line, Foxy Brown's pretty great at her thing, and whichever member of Dru Hill showed up sure did the most singing of anyone in 1997!, but like I can see why we've left this behind. It's fine. No one needed this one unearthed, though. We've found some buried treasures, y'know? This is like finding a buried booklet of commemorative state quarters. Like, neat! But also, not even $15.

83) "Far from Yours," by O.C. ft./Yvette Michele

"I be the Chosen One/Beyond the Moet and Cristal/A son of King and a Queen/Therefore ability/For song run in my genetics/I gave ideas to L. Ron Hubbard to write books on Dianetics" ...Setting aside the major issues I have with this man's rhyme schemes, IS HE TAKING CREDIT FOR SCIENTOLOGY. IS THI -- IS HE SAYING THAT HE IS THE INSPIRATION FOR SCIENTOLOGY. What the fuck kind of boast. He's saying his raps are so powerful they inspired a crazy man to write books about bad science. I am flummoxed by this song. This would have been just another okay song by a rapper who honestly just seems like a normal-ass dude who somehow wandered into a recoriding studio, but HE'S TAKING CREDIT FOR L. RON HUBBARD'S IDEAS. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LUNATIC IS THIS MAN.

89) "Tide Is High," by Angelina

Someone went to the store and said, "OH BOY! Another new verson of 'Tide Is High!' I gotta pick up this new interpretation of this song, which is of course someone's favorite song ever because it's MY favorite song ever!" Also none of the back-up dancers in the video looked like they were trying their absolute best. They knew where they were. They knew it didn't matter. They took a few plays off and got that check. I have so much respect for those backup dancers. ROCK TO THE BEAT ROCK ROCK TO THE BEAT, ROCK TO THE BEAT ROCK ROCK TO THE BEAT and so forth

92) "Relax & Party," by Ivory

So I've been sick the past couple days, which is why this post is going up on Wednesday and why there's no Thing Journal for last week (SUNDAY DOUBLE) and real talk why this has been a weak edition of YAS so far, ‘cuz I'll be honest, I'm still in the doldrums. My back hurts, which is a fun side effect of getting sick in your late 20s, I've found. So I'm not. In a mood? Conducive to caring about this song. I'm sure this is OK, but honestly, right now, in this moment in which we find ourselves, me and this song, sharing the same space on this planet, I could not care less about the things it wants to bring to my life. It's a stupid song and doesn't do anything. It just goes on for four minutes. Great. Great! Hey, just release an album of that fucking bass line for fifty minutes, honestly, it's probably your best bet if you want me to at least respect you.

95) "Dancehall Queen," by Beenie Man ft./Chevelle Franklyn

So there are two different versions of the song "Dancehall Queen" that I could find. There is this one, but there is also one released more recently with Lady Sovereign as the featured artist. So I have a few questions about our beautiful ever-expanding dying universe: 1) What did Chevelle Franklyn do to get deposed? 2) Does Chevelle FRanklyn give input into the decisions Lady Sovreign makes? 3) Who gave Beenie Man the powers of coronation? As far as I can tell, he does not proclaim himself the Dancehall King. 4) How often does the Dancehall Queen title change hands? 5) Is there a library that has data on the Dancehall Queen history which I can look up? 6) What are some books on the Dancehall Queen succession which you would recommend? Let me know in the comments! Hit that follow button and LIKE THIS POST!

8.18.2007

28) "Me Love," Sean Kingston

This is like a song you enjoy if you've never enjoyed a song before. If you're someone who appreciates music and attends symphonies and has opinions on concertos, and you're approached with this song, you'll probably use snooty music language to say, "This is a delightful confection!" Or like, if your musical diet consists entirely of Gary Jules' cover of Mad World and songs of that ilk, if the only songs you've been allowed to enjoy in this life are Gary Jules' "Mad World" cover and other songs which could have been selected for the Donnie Darko soundtrack, and you hear this song for the first time, this is probably the most amazing thing you've ever heard. This would sound so revolutionary. But if you've even heard one other fun pop song, you know this is useless.

89) "Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go)," Dierks Bentley

it is good when things are nice! at last, a song that says what none of us are brave to say out loud

90) "All My Friends Say," Luke Bryan

I think a couple months ago I tabbed this as a semi-iconic Luke Bryan song, in the sense that it's a song I hear and immediately attribute to Luke Bryan, which is something I can't do for any Blake Shelton song. But like, this is the song that establishes Luke Bryan's persona -- he's a free-wheelin' sumbitch who's gonna drink too much and try not to drunk-dial any ex-girls. There's personality in this song, a hack and shitty personality, but hey at least he hacked up and/or shitted out an identifiable character. All Blake Shelton's songs are about a man who wishes things would either be better or remain the same, depending on how good they presently are. The song is garbage and Luke Bryan only ever got worse, sure, but it is undeniably a product of Luke Bryan’s particular brand of dunderheaded twanging.

100) "Can U Believe," Robin Thicke

There is a long list of things I need to do with my life. Near the top are items like "only wear a suit at your little sister's wedding," "learn the lttp any% nmg speedrun," and "write a whole good thing," you know, standard stuff, standard life goals, and then there's a million pages of things I will never accomplish. Nowhere on that list was "listen to Robin Thicke tell you that I don't know when someone's watching." I did not need to hear Robin Thicke tell me he was stalking me before I died. I could have learned the Blind script with this time. Maybe this is about God? But it's not even vaguley Christian, he just randomly starts saying you never know when someone's watching, which is only something anyone says WHEN THEY ARE PRESENTLY LOOKING AT YOU THROUGH A TWO-WAY MIRROR. Been a decade of garbage with this man, my gosh.

8.19.2017

(38) "You Da Baddest," by Future ft./Nicki Minaj

Beach Future is such a weird thing to consider. I'm on the record as being pro-Beach Future in general, it's not as random a pivot as the time Lil Wayne picked up the electric guitar and said "OH YEAH! THIS IS A THING!" but it's still hard to get the brain around the idea of Beach Future after, what, three years and roughly 20 albums of morose, despondent Future? All of the Future songs I know are about the nightmare of being Famous and codeine, and now he's dropped two songs that are just, "Yeah, man, chillax! Life's pretty breezy, friends, pull up a chair, let's just enjoy a sunset together!" I'm into it? But it feels like the world is imbalanced right now. Beach Future has completely thrown off my equilibrium and I am Scared.

(68) "Unforgettable," by Thomas Rhett

Ah. Balance! After making a surprisingly hot '80s jam earlier this year, Thomas Rhett just sort of bleats over an acoustic guitar for two and a half bland minutes. This song tries to turn the word "mangorita" into a stirring kick-off to its chorus, and while I recognize the enormity of the task it placed upon itself, that doesn't mean it didn't fail to accomplish its goals. "From your blue jeans to your shoes/Girl, the night was just like you/Unforgettable." I'D NEVER SEEN JEANS JUST THAT BLUE BEFORE. I NEVER EVEN KNEW THEY MADE BLUE JEANS IN THAT PARTICULAR SHADE OF BLUE. WHY, THEY WERE... DARE I SAY? TURQUOISE! ALL HISTORY'S SCULPTORS DEVOTED THEIR LIVES TRYING TO MOLD YOU

(85) "When it Rains it Pours," by Luke Combs

A lot of the reason I don’t mind Rascal Flatts and Keith Urban when we run through 2007 is because, when I was growing up, my mom would only listen to country music, and those artists are the ones I minded the least when we were on the half-hour rides to and from church. I forged deep and lasting connections with the dudes I minded the least of anyone else. This song is definitely "best song on the ride to church" quality. It has a Toby Keith-y sense of humor which is more or less agreeable -- I can't imagine any scenario that a waitress at Hooters is impressed enough by any customer at Hooters to leave their number, but here I am, complaining that my suspension of disbelief in a country song was interrupted -- and it's unique, I haven't heard a lot of "fuck her, she's outta my hair!" songs from dude country artists this year. It’s not “I’m Gonna Miss Her,” but what is? Once again, Luke Combs has made a song that's unique enough that I can appreciate its charm, but not so intriguing that I'm gonna seek him out on my own. I'll give his next album a spin, see if he takes the right lessons to heart, but the one he’s got out now, I think I’m good!

(87) "They Don't Know," by Jason Aldean

"Just another field/Just another farm/No, it's the place we grew up on." Jason Aldean is a multi-millionaire who owns several hundred acres of land in a major metropolitan area nad has the chutzpah to speak for the common man. Fuck this dude and fuck him for this Trump-vote of a song.

(88) "Honest," by The Chainsmokers

hey guys the chainsmokers made a song about how they're sensitive boys who're sad about breakup, wow what a fascinating new look for these cats, truly evolving as artists before our very eyes. see, this is the one where they go "whoa-oh." i don't think they've gone "woah-oh" in a song yet. this is a pony certainly capable of developing a second trick!

(89) "The Weekend," by SZA

"What kind of deal is two days?/I need me at least 'bout for of 'em" is one of the single-saddest lyrics 2017 has produced. This song is so good. SZA in general is so good, but I never had to deal with how good this song is, given how much there is to parse with Ctrl. When's the last time we heard from a side piece's perspective, y'know? When's the last time we heard how a booty call felt about being a booty call? We heard "Booty Call," which was about the act of engaging in a booty call, but we don't know anything about the booty call's wants and desires outside of that moment. I enjoy hearing this perspective on the events, hearing from the girl the '90s R&B dude has to apologize for seeing, because that's a person, too, that's a person who's alive and lives a life of their own. It took us until 2017 to get the side piece's take on things. What were the rest of us doing?

(90) "New Rules," by Dua Lipa

This is really enjoyable. Nothing terribly complex, just a "don't fuck your ex" jam, but it's confidently delivered (I get the sense that Dua Lipa is a much better singer than the current musical trends are going to let her be), and I love the subtle horn drop. Evidently, the producer of this song was also involved with "Bad Liar" and "Now and Later," so I'm getting on the Ian Kirkpatrick train. I approve! Great work, all.

(93) "I Wish I Knew You," by The Revivalists

oh wow fuck everything about this. where did this come from? why am i listening to this? did 13 reasons why drop another season? who wanted this. who wanted another indie band biting the hell out of franz ferdinand. they're not even biting franz ferdinand, they're biting all those bands that were biting from franz ferdinand a few years ago, except they're doing so nakedly, "the revivalists" is code for "we have no original ideas." way to revive 2013, yeah dude, it was so long since i heard the neighbourhood, i'm so happy you're reviving four years ago. also this willy wonka-ass muthafucka's hat is stupid. i'm honestly not sure i'm reacting to the song as much as i am the stupid goddamn hat in the music video. (also: i'm not into this song, despite the presence of a saxophone. i have limits. i'm not gonna go home with just any brass instrument, you guys.) white men ruin everything.

(94) "Every Little Thing," by Carly Pearce

Well, number one, it's a country music song with actual drums, so it's automatically starting with 95 points out of a possible 100. This is dope. "They say time is the only healer/God, I hope that isn't right/'Cause right now I'd die to not remember." Fuck, man. That is heavy. And this is a solidly-produced song, too, there's enough going on that the song feels rich and lived-in, but not so much so that it's distracting, it's definitely in the backseat wearing a seatbelt so the lyrics and what might be the saddest fucking voice in 2017 country music can drive in peace. More from this woman, and more from other women, look how good you are when you let women do things, country music!

(97) "Learn to Let Go," by Kesha

I think this is fine. I'm not as into EDM-lite Kesha as I am Kesha declaring her womanhood backed by a million beautiful horns, but this is fine! Three songs. Three songs is enough distance to start delivering back-handed not-criticisms. But no, like, I wouldn't mind this as the opening track to the album, this sets a tone and opens up the possibility for cooler things to come, but on its own, hey! It's just alright, and that's fine! I'm just glad Kesha's making music, y'know?

(98) "All the Pretty Girls," by Kenny Chesney

this song wasn't even released in 2016, what is it doing here, what, why would, i don't, how did we end up here? what do we hope to accomplish while we're here? did he just say "don't blow my cover on freedom night?" what is freedom night? i don't -- you know what country radio, you batted .400 this week. that's ted williams hype, right there. .400 is better than any of us ever could have anticipated, and i can appreciate that you got things as right as you ever possibly could. please tell me what freedom night is, though.

(99) "For Her," by Chris Lane

...adjust that number down to .333. i'm sorry. i saw the haircut and assumed edm, which you'll agree is a fair assumption to make. this dude sucks. he is trying his best with that falsetto but, and i hate to repeat myself, you can't make your own outsized ambition an excuse for your failure. know your limits. i'm sorry i was ever lukewarm about any kesha song. i kinda feel bad for saying those things about the revivalists' hat. this was a good week apart from the bro country! "For her I would walk a straight line/Wear out the soles of my shoes for her." WOAH! SLOW DOWN, BUDDY! LET'S NOT MAKE ANY PROMISES WE CAN'T KEEP, NOW! Careful! Girls remember things you say to them! Imagine how disappointed she'll be when every day she spends with you your shoes still shine as bright as they did the day she met you.

Who won the week?

Well, 2007′s best song was a Luke Bryan joint, so that’s out. Think we gotta give it to 2017. Four shitty country songs, yeah, but 1997 countered with Spice Girls and a Billy Joel cover of a Bob Dylan song, so those cancel out, and the cream of 2017 was much better than the best 1997 gave us this week. I’m still thinking about that Carly Pearce joint, that was really cool, and it anchors an earned win for 2017. THE STANDINGS: 2017: 12 1997: 11 2007: 9 Next week: keep your heart, Three Stacks.