#but like... ok i joke about rich being a disaster man but in all seriousness this is what i love about him

[astromechs]

you ever think about how during the annihilation war, rich rider fell in love with not one but two different people

[antiloreolympus]

11 Anti LO Asks

1. I don't get it, weren't the fans praising Persephone for wanting to own up to her crimes and saying she deserves any punishment she receives? Why are they now upset she got a temporary punishment  that isn't even different from her life pre-uni? Why is Persephone upset too? It's not forever. It's almost as if the fans only care about the aesthetics of looking morally "good" while they really wanted her to get away with murder, and Persephone is a bad person who lied to keep up her nice facade.

2. I legit do not get why LO fans act as if it's some personal affront when people don't like it and even critique it. How self centered if their worldview to think everyone has to obsessively love and praise what they like? What reality are they living in where this is a thing? Get a grip, kids, you're not important and people not liking what you do is not a personal insult, it's just life.

3. LO would probably be better handled if it was put under an age restriction like more mature romances and other comics are, but WT and Rachel would never allow it because then they can't market it as YA and get the biggest draw of tweens and teens to spend their parents' money on it, so now LO is left w/ trying to be tween friendly while also trying to do serious topics with all the nuance of "bullying is bad >:(" but instead of bullying it's being critical of rich mass murdering slave owners 🤔

4. how does rachel have at bare minimum four people working on LO and it only looks worse?? like is it because they arent paid well, is the pay as low as the effort theyre expected to do. i dont care how much thhe fans are obsessed with it they seriously cant think this looks better??

5. What's going to preemptively anger me is that with IRL people I know, r/aita, and even tumblr anecdotes, giving a teen time away from a grown man for a long enough period of time usually results in the teen going, "wow, that was actually fucked up. thank you for stopping that disaster." Yet I KNOW that in LO, Persephone's probably gonna have her love grow by tenfold and miss her dearly totally-not-creepy beloved.

From OP: On a side note, I hate when fans try to justify the age gap by saying “it’s normal” or “perfectly fine since they’re adults” when most people (especially from tumblr, reddit, and just people irl) find it weird as hell and very questionable on the older person’s end. It’s just a blatant lie to try and justify this creepy dynamic.

6. introducing a major villain with no actual build up or reason for them to be in the plot right before a season finale is, no matter how you cut it, bad writing, and that's only one of several poorly planned and executed writing in this thing.

From OP: Yeah, even Apollo had some kind of foreshadowing. The only thing that hinted at Eris was an old tumblr ask from RS (Before LO became an original, RS said something about Eris and Hades having a bad date but that’s probably retconed) and Hera’s line to Hebe about getting her sister. With the sister thing, it’s too vague to pinpoint on Eris since she could also be Nyx’s daughter.

7. ok now LO fans are just lying and saying it was "always supposed to be a dark story" and people who are calling out it didn't develop these aspects well and it should have stuck to its original lighter tone "cant see context clues" like?? yes it did have SA shown early on ... which was IMMEDIATELY dropped and had rachel right way go into making puns! even persephone admitting she killed a village was framed with fart jokes and forced romcom flirting! how is that being a "dark and serious" story?

8. Rachel Smythe seems to have taken a weird approach to making HxP sympathetic? Like, I feel like she's trying to make the infinitely threatening villains more infinitely threatening as a way to make it seem like the rich, straight, cis, white coded deities in the story are the underdogs. The classism almost seems to come from her being too concerned about the image of rich people. Which, come to think of it, actually makes a lot of sense.

9. Even if we get Perse aow "justified" by Eris blessing it still doesn't mean she is innocent. She knew for a very long time that there is something "wrong" with her and she may be dangerous to others but she did nothing with it. Even now after everything that happened she still let that feeling affect her and didn't tell anyone beside Hades who equally doesn't care she may hurt someone again. Her wrath may be not her fault but her actions are

10. Part of me wonders if RS actually took any writing classes or even... just did basic research about how to write cohesive stories? The plot and timeline of LO is all over the place and it includes a lot of unnecessary scenes with characters who don't have a large bearing on the plot (like that whole subplot with Eros and Psyche, Thanatos and Daphne, that flashback with Persephone and the yellow war god who's name I can't remember. Like what was the point of that flashback? She could have just told us they'd met before and left it at that). Even just stuff that could have taken much less time than it did, such as those Medusa ladies spying, that dinner with HxP, Hera, and Zeus, or Hades taking the photographer's eye out.

I just always found the story very confusing to read. I've taken writing classes for my novels before and LO follows none of the guidelines for good writing.

11. I'm just upset that RS chose to make Persephone a young, impressionable literal teenager when she could have made Persephone an older, elegant goddess with years of knowledge and experience about how her world works. Like, if she wanted the r*pe subplot so badly, it could have been set up as Persephone deliberately avoiding Apollo/trying to expose him throughout the story, whilst the readers and Hades try to piece together what happened between them in the past before it's actually revealed. It also would have eliminated the gross age gape and Persephone acting like a child, etc. While we're at it, we could probably just take out that whole uncomfortable, unnecessary subplot where Apollo takes those photos.

[apenapaperandadoofus]

SKKSKSKS your new post gave me an idea! hear me out, ok so MC is a STRUGGLING college student. Anyway, the rfa (plus jihyun&saeran) finds out MC is opting to get a sugar daddy 😳 (MC's fellow broke friends says try it out lol!) And so, MC is meeting SD for lunch. Turns out it's a weird disaster. Which of them will be spying & ready to fite, or drag MC away before she even gets her ass to the seat? i feel like jumin will go 👁👄👁 with this whole thing. just curious how they'll react oop-

I love it and I love you lmao this is the best thing everrr, I had so much fun writing it ASKFBDJ

I’m going to save Jumin for last because I just loved writing his head cannon lmao

RFA + V and Saeran reacting to an MC that gets a sugar daddy/mommy:

Zen:

So Zen found out about your little sugar daddy plan

He was LIVID

He will cancel every single thing he has today

And he will go and spy on you

Zen will literally have everything he needs, he’ll have a disguise and he’ll be hiding in the bushes watching your date

If he sees your SD trying to touch you he will tackle him

And then he’ll grab your hand and lead you away, no matter how much you complain

When he brings you home he will sit you down and oh boy, get ready for the biggest lecture of your life

You see him BECOME your mother

He will talk with you for about an hour

“Y/N seriously! Why didn’t you tell any of us, we could have helped you, YOU LITERALLY ARE FRIENDS WITH TWO RICH ASSHOLE WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!”

But then Zen will calm down and sit next to you, his face a bit red

“I just...I’d like you to depend more on us...on me. I will do anything for you so please, promise me you won’t go dating old guys for money again?”

And how could you say no to those puppy eyes?

Zen will work hard so you don’t struggle so much alone

Yoosung:

He will be an angry boio

He’s like a mad chihuahua

When he figures out your plan he will drag Seven down with him to spy on you

Of course Seven will make fun of him, and he won’t help with shit lmao

But Yoosung will take it seriously

He will be watching you from the shadows, and you know what? He will try to even screw up your date

The next time you see him he will be all pouty and won’t talk to you for a while

He won’t even look at you

So Seven gives up and tells you that Yoosung found out about your sugar daddy adventure

You will come up to Yoosung and talk it out with him

“Sorry Y/N...it’s just...I got...mad! I could’ve helped you, you know? You don’t have to date gross guys like him to get money. The RFA is here for you! Also...I may have also gotten...a bit jealous. Just. Don’t do it again. Please...I’ll help you!”

Aw he’s so adorable so you agree

Now Yoosung won’t have to go and murder that guy

I mean, what, Yoosung and murder? WhaaaaAAAAA- he had everything planned who am I kidding pft

Jaehee:

Honestly, when hears you got a sugar mommy she’s a bit jealous and worried

But who is she to tell you what to do?

I mean don’t get her wrong, she wants to slap that woman for looking at you like that and for abusing your need for money

So she will slowly help you without you noticing

She will bake something so you can go an sell it at school

Or she’ll lend you some money

If she sees you struggling she will do everything she can so you don’t need to get a sugar mommy again!

One night, when you are finally able to have enough money for some other things, you invite her out to dinner to thank her for everything she helped you with

“Y/N...I have to tell you something. When you were, well struggling, I found out you saw a woman...older than you so she could give you money. And I- well...I’m not someone who should tell you who to date or not, but it just made me feel very strange inside. I wanted to be the one holding your hand, to help you go through that rough patch...”

You smile warmly at Jaehee and caress her cheek.

“Thank you Jaehee. Really, you helped me through so much. And now I want to repay you for it! So I bough you front row seats to one of Zen’s latest musicals!”

Jaehee squealed and gave you a hug

Then you spent such a great time during Zen’s performance

Saeyoung:

Ok he may have maybe read one of your text messages

And then maybe a few more

He didn’t mean to you know?!

But he found out you were struggling at college because it had become super expensive

The first thing he did was help you by paying some things secretly

But then he found out when you were meeting with your SD

And guess what? He freaking set up a double date

You were confused when your SD had brought a friend of his to he cafe, but it all clicked when you saw a very beautiful woman with long red hair and very familiar mischievous yellow eyes come in the restaurant.

You quickly stood up and grabbed the woman who had come in saying a quick sorry to the other men and then dragged her to the bathroom

Honestly Seven thought you would yell at him, but then you started laughing maniacally

“Se-SEVEN!! What in the-HOW?! This is the best thing ever-pftt HAHAHAH I CAN’T SEVEN WHAT THE HELL”

He of coursed, laughed along with you but then he cleared his throat and spoke in a high pitched voice

“My name is Samantha, thank you very much! You’re not the only one who can get a sugar daddy you know?” He winked and grabbed your hand, leading you to the table. “Now lets go get us some money! I can’t wait together a new baby! I just found one online and fell in love with it so I have to get it as soon as possible!”

The both of you spent the evening flirting and acting all cutesy the whole time

Although Seven would intervene if he saw your sugar daddy getting way too comfortable with you, or if he saw him trying to touch you somewhere else,

He will fight your SD tried anything on you

Apart from that you two end up buying tons of shit you don’t need lmao

V:

One day he saw you hanging out with a really old dude

He didn’t think anything of it, maybe he was your dad or something

But then he saw he was getting kind of flirty with you

Then he remembered that one night you had complained about how expensive your college tuition had become and how you were going to get a sugar daddy

Well Jihyun thought you were joking Y/N, HoNeY pLeAsE

He watched from the sidelines for a bit but then he felt sort of...jealous

So when the date was over and you waited outside for your taxi with your SD, V got on his car and called out for you

You will blush and get on the car with him, your SD was actually pretty confused since V had a very expensive car

While he’s driving V will give you a huge lecture

“Y/N, I know you are having problems but you can’t go and start dating a guy just because of money. I mean, who knows what he could’ve done to you, he could’ve abused your situation and everything. If you need help please tell me, and we’ll figure something out, but don’t go out with guys like that. They’re bad news.”

You’re heart warmed at the thought of V caring so much for you

He made you promise to be more truthful when you were having problems, and you had to reassure him that he shouldn’t worry, but V insisted

If he can he will get you to model for his pictures and pay you a very large amount of money, which you WILL have to take of Jihyun could become angry for the first time in ages

Saeran:

Oh no

Oh boy

He heard from your friend that you had found a sugar daddy

She wasn’t joking you actually found a goddamn sugar daddy

Saeran will be kinda shocked and sad

So he will hack into your phone (he’ll apologize later) and find out where you’re meeting the guy

As soon as he saw your SD getting kind of handsy, and you being a bit uncomfortable, he will run over and punch him I’m not kidding

He will be ready to fightttt

You’ll have to pull him away and apologize, dragging Saeran to your car and quickly driving out of here

“Saeran! What was that? Why did you punch him?!”

He just stayed quiet the whole time, and when you finally drove him to his home, he turned around and cupped your face in his hands, squishing

“You were clearly uncomfortable. Why didn’t you tell me about the college problems? You know I could’ve been more than happy to help you. That guy...he didn’t give off a good vibe. And he was starting to grab you and you looked like you didn’t want to be there and I just- I got mad. Because I don’t want to see you with another guy, and I don’t want to see you getting used for some money.”

Saeran was blushing, but he wouldn’t take back what he just said.

You were red too, and before you could reply Saeran quickly kissed your forehead and ran into his home

Of course later the RFA found out about your SD plan and they all nagged you lmao

Jumin:

He was eating at this very expensive restaurant, he just had a super important meeting and it had just finished

As he was about to leave he saw a very familiar face come in with this guy. A really old guy, who was smiling in a very creepy way.

Like you said, my dear anon, Jumin is just : 👁👄👁

You had sat in the table beside him, so he will try to hide by covering his face with the menu

Jumin was actually really confused as to why he was doing it, since if were any other person he would’ve awkwardly said hi and left as quickly as possible

But he wanted to stay...to see what you were doing, why you were going out with a guy that could be your dad

“Thank you for the meal Mr. Lee” He heard your sweet voice say.

The man, Mr. Lee laughed, -a really horrible laugh by the way- Jumin thought

. “Y/N, sweetheart, you know you can just call me Ju-won, I won’t mind.” The man’s almost hoarse voice said.

Ju-won Lee...Jumin thought the name was very familiar, but he was too busy looking at you two that he didn’t think much of it.

“Hehe, well alright!” You giggled and looked at the menu

“Y/N. How are those earrings I got you? Did you like them? They were the most expensive ones I could find, and I got them only for you.”

You slowly looked up and gave Mr. Lee a forced smile. “They were great Ju-won, thank you again!”

He got you..earrings?

Jumin figured out what was going on, and he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of his lungs

Later, when the both of you ordered some food, you asked Mr. Lee how his day was

Jumin was still in the same spot, overhearing everything you said

He didn’t know why he was feeling so conflicted, so mad. He hated seeing you with that man, he even felt a bit disappointed.

“Ah, well work was the same old, same old. The boss suddenly decided that he wanted to do yet another cat project. I honestly don’t know how he has that job, you know if it were me, I would make sure the company actually worked better. He does an awful job.”

“Ah. Umm, Ju-won, where is it that you work again?” You asked

“It’s a big company, I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s called C&R International, but honestly work is such a pain. If it weren’t for Chariman Han I would’ve gotten the executive director spot, but just because Jumin Han -I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, but the Chariman is his father- and just because of that he got the job! I’m sure they didn’t even have to interview him, that brat. And he thinks he’s so great just because of his father, psh I’d like to give him a piece of my mind.”

Jumin for the first time every, felt really mad. He was finally about to say something but then he heard you slam the menu down.

“Mr. Lee, I’m sorry if I sound kind of rude, but Ju- I mean, Mr. Han actually does an amazing job. C&R has grown so much because of him, and I’m sure that he’s one of the people that works the hardest. He probably got the job because he earned it, not just because of family connections, so please don’t spread false rumors.”

When he heard you say that...

Jumin couldn’t help but blush

Before Mr. Lee could even utter another word he stood up and walked over to your table.

Mr. Lee instantly stood up, his face filled with panic, and you looked up at him with a blush in your face

“Mr. Lee, how are you doing this evening? If you’d excuse me for a moment I have to talk with your date for a bit. I don’t think I’ll bring her back, but don’t worry I’ll pay for the food, that way you will save that bit of money. You will probably need it, since I don’t think you’ll be able to afford these sort of activities any time soon. If you think working at C&R is such a pain, then I suggest you leave the company. I want your things gone by Monday. Have a good night.”

Me. Lee’s mouth was wide open, and he looked ready to get on his knees and beg, but before anything came out of his mouth Jumin grabbed your hand and dragged you to the roof of the restaurant, where no one was around.

“Jumin what-” before you could say anything Jumin pinned you against the wall and kissed you

The kiss was rough, and when he pulled away you were left a panting mess.

“Y/N, why were you eating with him. Please explain to me why he bought you a pair of earrings, and why he was flirting with you the whole time. I don’t want you to lie to me.”

Oh shit he was mad

You looked up at Jumin, your face red and your lips swollen, but then when you saw his cold expression you looked down

“I’m sorry Jumin...it’s just....recently my college tuition went up. And I, I couldn’t pay it. I got as many jobs as I could, but it still wasn’t enough. And then Abby, the girl I met at one of my classes told me that she knew how I could get quick money, and she gave me the number of this guy, who was willing to pay a lot for a woman that went out with him, and I was just so desperate! I, I didn’t want to bother anyone and I didn’t know what to do and I just- I panicked Jumin!”

You bit your lip as tears slowly fell from your eyes, and Jumin’s cold expression slowly faded as he grabbed your chin so you would be looking up at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you.” He whispered

“I-I didn’t want to. I-I know how you feel about people, especially women asking for money. I know you could’ve helped, but I didn’t want you to think I was friends with you just for that! I mean I like you Jumin, I really, really do, and if you suddenly felt, I don’t know, betrayed or hurt and if you ended up never speakingto me again I don’t know what I would’ve done, I didn’t want that to happen. I’m..I’m sorry. I know how you feel about this type of stuff, and I understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore...” you sniffed.

Both of you stood in complete silence, until Jumin slowly moved a strand of hair away from your face and smiled.

“Y/N. I would never, ever get mad at you because you asked me for help. I’m sorry for snapping at you. Honestly, I hated seeing you with that man. I don’t know how to describe it, but when I saw him there with you, I felt sort of mad, which was surprising since Indint do that often. And I realized hay I got angry because I don’t want you going on dates with other men because I want you to only go out with me. And I didn’t know why I felt that way. But when you defended me, it all started to make sense. The reason why I felt that way it’s because... I love you, Y/N”

Jumin kissed you, and after you both calmed down he got Driver Kim to give you a ride home.

If Mr. Lee had bought you anything Jumin made sure to buy them from you twice the amount, and then he may have gone and thrown away, or something, but you never saw them again.

Even though you insisted that it was alright, Jumin still helped you with your college fees, he was more than happy to!

And then a few days later, when you were both eating at his home, he asked you out.

Of course you said yes! And everyone in the RFA was honestly pretty jealous of your relationship lmao

Also when they found out you got a sugar daddy they teased you AND nagged you (multitasking lmao)

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Homestretch....the final Cyberverse episodes... :’(

Season 3: Episodes 21 - 26

Episode 21

Ok so before we start, I gotta fess up and say I got spoiled for something because Twitter Sucks, so I know Tarn is in this series. Here are my predictions about that: 

Megatron said he rescued Astrotrain from a tyrant. I thought he meant an Alt!Universe version of him, but now that I know This Bastard is gonna be in it, I’m guessing it’s Tarn

If Megatron DID save Astrotrain from Tarn, it’d be hilarious if Tarn & co. weren’t actually planning to kill Astrotrain, they were just using him as transport, in which case Megatron essentially car-jacked (train-jacked?) them.

As much as I rag on Tarn and the DJD I actually do genuinely love the idea of an Autobot + Decepticon teamup against the DJD THAT WOULD BE SO FRICKIN COOL....

Anyways, on to the episode!

Pics taken 10 seconds before disaster, rip Cosmos.

MEDIA BOT and Cosmos! :D GOSH COSMOS REALLY IS CONFIRMED FOR BABY THAT”S ADORABLE.....I’m so glad he’s finally back in a cartoon

OH WHOOPS I FORGOT WINDBLADE WAS FRICKIN DEAD (ish)

LUNA 3???

The “FORBIDDEN” moon? 

Chromia: You can go there anyways! Bee: Huh?  Chromia: When have the rules ever stopped you before? Bee: Fair point

BRO WHY DO YOU HAVE A TOY OF SQUIDSCREAM

aw I love all those photos of him and cosmos, that’s cute

Oh no did he quit the business because he lost Cosmos???

METEOR-FIRE what a cool name

I like this dude a lot

I love that he’s obviously depressed about losing his partner but immediately gets convinced to go break into Luna 3 lmao

HE’S GOT CUTE CAMERAS WITH HIM I love that

LMAO I was gonna say “Wow you just flip the switches alright” THEN HE JUST RIPS THE CORDS OUT I love this guy

Hmm suspicious

Aw I love the space-shots of Cybertron, what a gorgeous planet....

Oh hello cannon-fodder #418

SHOCKWAVE SHOCKWAVE SHOCKWAVE!!!!!

IT”S THE GRUDGE LMAO

It’s probably a sim that shows you the scariest thing you can think of

BLURR!!! AW THAT’S SO SAD

Ok I take it back, it’s probably like MTMTE’s “Cyberutopia” thing where it reads your memory files

Watch the cameras Bee!!!

“Bee, I don’t mean to alarm you, but the alien presence has taken over my circuits” *HEAD DOES A 180* GOSH I LOVE THIS FRICKIN SHOW

The facial expressions in this show are SO FUN Bee’s so expressive I love that

I like that Meteor-Fire is so chill about this, this ain’t his first rodeo

He just snaps his neck back into place that’s so freaky and they play it off so well lol

PRETTY SPACE BALL???? PRETTY SPACE BALL!!! HEY HASBRO CAN YOU MAKE A TOY OF THIS I WANT IT!!!!!!

Gosh I’d legit buy a gem like this if it had constellations engraved on it THAT’S SO PRETTY I LOVE IT

It’s a good thing that Bee’s got Meteor-Fire with him, this is his field!!!

Oh lmao JUST KIDDING I GUESS

Well so much for the alien, rest in pieces

I think Saling already said this in their liveblog but I love that Bee’s collecting Windblade’s parts a-la-Megaman X2 style

COSMOS!!!!!! Yay I’m so glad they got him back!!!

Meteor-Fire: Look everybody, Cosmos is back!!! :D ME TOO BUD I’m so excited to see my space-baby

RODDY AND ARCEE!!!! I love that Percy took over for Maccadam, but that’s also so sad!!! ALSO WHY HAS HE NOT FIXED HIS EYES, RATCHET PLEASE HELP THIS POOR GUY

Episode 22  

OHH PRETTY PLANET

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The background designers on this show are great

Rodimus: That place has nothing but bad memories for me Every Drift fan simultaneously: Mood....

I really don’t think they’ll bring Drift back (unless he’s like, a zombie, which would still suck) so that’s a bummer

Rodimus: *Talking about his trauma* Me, very distracted: Wow Bee looks really cute here

SERIOUSLY THOUGH THEY NEED RUNG IN THIS SERIES They need a therapist in every Transformers series, all these bots need therapy (though tbf they tried to give Starscream therapy and that sure didn’t help, pft)

GRIMLOCK MAYBE DON’T--oh ok too late WELL THERE THEY GO

Repugnis?? I don’t remember who that is

A CITY?????? PRETTY

INSECTICON

lmao the frickin voice actor for that grey dude cracked me up

BEE MAYBE DON’T IMMEDIATELY TRUST THEM

Energon masters???? What

Interesting that they used “She” for Grimlock

Affluence?? 

Oh great these guys are the Cybertronian bourgeoisie 

Oh boy they’re just wasting energon huh

THE SHOCKS????

That’s a pretty bubble but JEEZ

OH NO WHY CAN”T HE TRANSFORM??

WAIT WHERE”S THE AUDIO oh wait no OP did mention there was an audio dropout

Is Grimlock gonna make friends with the bugs!!!

OH RIGHT the bug is Repugnis 

Aw the bugs are way nicer than the bourgeoisie, surprising absolutely no one

HELL YEAH, EAT THE RICH GRIMLOCK

“If we let you go, things will change! We like things the way they are” jeez

I wonder how the Shocks came about

It frickin figures

PRISON BREAK BEE!!!!

EAT HIM GRIMLOCK!!!

“Well this is quite astonishing” cute....

YEAH I WAS WONDERING IF THEY HAD THE SAME ALT MODE they looked like they had bug-bits, I didn’t realize that thing was keeping them from transforming though

Episode 23   

Oh right Megatron has a Matrix of Leadership I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

I ALSO FORGOT WHIRL WAS IN THIS SERIES, MY BABY.....

JETFIRE WATCH OUT YOU BIG NERD

“Rack ‘n Ruin and Ratchet” OH IS THIS GONNA BE A RATCHET EPISODE??? PLEASE?????? PLEASE SAY RATCHET EPISODE

Aw poor Rack n Ruin...

RATCHET BABY BOY!!! I forgot he was a New Yorker in this series lmao

“I LOVE Jetfire!”  “I know, me too!” CUTE....

I love that every continuity has Ratchet stuck with someone who annoys him in a ship

I love that Ratchet’s not even concerned

RATCHET’S DESIGN IN CYBERVERSE IS SO CUTE...

Wait UNSPACE???? Isn’t that where they sent a bunch of bad people????

Different Quantum Frequencies??? Dimensionally aligned??? MAN I LOVE THIS GOOFY SHOW

“It’s a blue-purple” CUTE....

UH OH HERE COMES ASTROTRAIN throwing dead-end??

I love that Astrotrain is so HUGE compared to everyone else, thank you Cyberverse for my life

“Every time..” LMAO GOSH THIS SHOW IS LITERALLY THE BEST someone please make a gif of that. I love that this implies that every time someone rides in Astrotrain they get ejected at 100 mph and skid 50 ft face-first, that’s such a delightful mental image. I think this 5 second scene is legitimately one of my favorite goofs / scenes in this show IT’S JUST THAT GOOD

You can tell I really enjoyed something when I make a meme of it

IT”S ILLEGAL TO BE THIS CUTE!!!!!!!!

OK IT’S LEGITIMATELY A LITTLE FRIGHTENING TO SEE HOW HUGE ASTROTRAIN IS WHEN IN ATTACK-MODE, HE SO EASILY PICKED THEM UP but that’s why it’s cool for him to be SO much bigger than they are, I LOVE BIG CYBERTRONIANS

LMAO I LOVE ASTROTRAIN he’s such a turd to DeadEnd

“Time to pay Ratchet a house-call. ‘Cuz he’s a doctor!” I almost snorted my drink up my nose, I LOVE THE DORKY HUMOR IN THIS SHOW

I swear this series was made with me in mind

TWO HEADS, NO BRAINCELLS

You wonder if Shadow Striker and Soundwave ever just rock-paper-scissor to see who has to deal with the latest Autobot bs that day

“And we don’t” OH SHOOT THEY’RE BEING LEFT OUT OF THE DECEPTICON’S PLANS TOO...This is more dire than I thought

Man I really do love Shadow Striker and Soundwave, they’re the only competent Decepticons

OH NO NOT RATCHET!!! NO!!!!!

Ohh so Astrotrain is still a triple changer in this series!! :O

WOW A SHOT TO THE HEAD REALLY DIDN”T DO ANYTHING HUH

REST IN PIECES DEADEND lmao he and Percy both have good survival stats it seems

NICE MOVES GRANDPA glad your hips still work lol

Oh good I’m glad they actually kept the purple thing

RIP Rack n Ruin

DEADEND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS

YEAHHHHH SHADOW STRIKER AND SOUNDWAVE!!!!!

“You’ve been told this area is off-limits” Oh shoot so Megatron really doesn’t trust them with this huh??? Must be some serious stuff they saw while universe-hopping

“Make us” SOUNDWAVE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY SASSY BOY

Love that he’s pissing off this dude who’s literally 4 times his height, love my son

Shadow Striker & Soundwave are Goth / Jock solidarity

Ratchet: Yeah yeah yeah I know Cuteeee

Wow they’re really not gonna help Shadow Striker and Soundwave????

THEY’RE LITERALLY JUST DOLL-SIZE IN HIS HANDS which is probably a not great reminder for Soundwave after that Dr. Tentacle Dude incident

Astrotrain: *bops their faces together* heehee Soundwave: BI Shadow Striker: >8(

JEEZ, BYE ASTROTRAIN

THE STYLE IS SO JARRING I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE UNSPACE AND HOW IT LOOKS (especially when contrasted with the regular drawing-style of the show. Really great artistic choice!)

Oh shoot so Astrotrain can just leave whenever huh

Aw what cute high fives, man this show has such good vibes

Episode 24  

NOOOO ONLY THREE EPISODES LEFT.....

:(((((

WINDLBADE!!!! I hope she’ll be ok

DID it work?? Wait you guys still have two frickin shards left, YOU”RE SO BAD AT THIS

A SHARK????? WTF

HE JUST PICKED HER UP AND DIPPED WTF WHO IS THAT

It’s not Skybyte obviously but he’s a shark too so WHO IS THAT

OHH IS THAT THE HALL OF RECORDS???? 

Wait wtf the Decepticons are attacking?? Oh wait RACK N RUIN DID YOU REALLY TELL THEM THAT

OH NO HE FROZE

WHOA  WHAT”S HAPPENING

WHAT OPTIMUS NO

WHAT”S HAPPENING!!!!! WTF

I WAS GONNA MAKE A BSOD JOKE BUT I TAKE IT ALL BACK OPTIMUS PLEASE BE OK YOU CAN’T DIE IN THIS SERIES

Is this referencing the other time when he glitched oh no....I knew that’d come back to bite us

In other news, I love that we’re learning more about the life and (cyber)biology of Cybertron, I’m so glad we got to have pretty much almost the entire series set on Cybertron

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THAT!!! THAT’S SO COOL!!! This is the stuff I want to see in Transformers shows!!!

Hasbro could literally make a nature documentary set on Cybertron and I’d be ecstatic. Gimme more details about their world and architecture and city stuff

“Fellow Primes, why have I been summoned?” Oh shoot so the other past primes can just jack OP’s consciousness whenever??? That frickin sucks. I do love the Atlantis vibes I’m ge HOLY FRICK IS THAT MAC

AHHHHHHHH MACCADAM!!!!!!!!!!! GRANDPA!!!!!!! PLEASE GIVE OPTIMUS DAD ADVICE!!!!!! IM SO GLAD WE GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN

Chromia: Bee are you crazy?? Bee: YES! *jumps off the ship*

I love that this weird storm cloud area is basically like an ocean, that’s so cool

OH NO BEE!!!!!!!

Jeez that startled me, the shark sounds just like Bee

“Well you’re doing a scrap job” lmao Chromia please

Oh it’s the Argon Sea, it IS an ocean pft

“An ancient evil” hooo boy

BEE he’s so cute. Wait don’t just jump down a random hole AT LEAST WAIT FOR CHROMIA

CREEPY TENTACLE STUFF AGAIN, JEEZ CYBERVERSE

KICK HIS BUTT CHROMIA

Aw man, not you too Bee

MISTRESS OF FLAME!!!! I get so excited about every IDW reference haha, I love Caminus and I love that they’re letting that still exist

JEEZ THAT”S NOT CREEPY AT ALL

Is this a Titan???? IT IS A TITAN

It’s like a Cthulu titan huh

Chromia: That is THE creepiest thing I’ve ever heard THANK YOU CHROMIA, SAME THOUGHT

Chromia’s just like “This doesn’t even come close to my Top 10 list of BS I’ve had to deal with lately”

More weird smoke, oh great

JEEZ THAT’S A FREAKY TITAN

Me, crying softly: GAY RIGHTS....(and Bee). MAN THE FRIENSHIPS IN THIS SHOW ARE SO GREAT :’)

ALCHEMIST PRIME!!!!!!!!! I FRICKIN KNEW YOU WERE A PRIME

“But this is not about me” I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THOUGH

Wait why is a part of Windblade in Megatron’s Matrix

WHY WOULD THEY ALSO BE IN THE OTHER MATRIX oh they mean alt-universe them

It’s frickin HYSTERICAL that every time Optimus has some ~deep spiritual~ conversation with the past Primes he’s just standing there frozen while the Autobots wait for him to unfreeze like he’s some kind of ancient computer doing updates. Like, that’s legitimately one of the funniest pieces of information canon’s given us so far, thank you for my life Cyberverse writers.

I wonder if Arcee and the other bots ever take selfies with him while he’s frozen like that THERE’S SO MUCH POTENTIAL FOR COMEDY HERE

Optimus: *is frozen for a couple hours while talking to old Primes* Autobots: *put on PJs and unroll their sleeping bags so they can have a slumber party while waiting for him*

Heck now I’m just imagining them playing truth or dare or some similar game while waiting for Optimus to wake up. 

I’m sure at some point during their voyage on the Ark, Optimus froze and they all played the “who can do this silly / embarrassing thing in front of Optimus and get away with it before he wakes up” game. Like, Rodimus somersaults down the hall while spouting fire in front of Optimus, Bee does a handstand while singing the alphabet backwards, etc, and whoever’s in front of Optimus when he “wakes up” loses. (It’d be even funnier if Optimus kept pretending to be frozen while they played until someone did something REALLY embarrassing and he unfroze to freak them out. Then again, the Matrix going back into his chest would probably be too much of a giveaway huh)

OH NO I WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN THE EUPHORIA OF THIS IDEA I FORGOT THERE’S ONLY TOO EPISODES LEFT NOW....

Episode 25

I love Astrotrain’s design (both in bot-mode and his alt mode) because he just looks like a grumpy evil train and that makes me so happy.

Also RAIN!!! I love rain and this looks so pretty

LMAO ASTROTRAIN YOU’RE SUCH A TURD I had no opinion of him before this show but now I frickin love him

HE PULLED THE CHAIR OUT FROM UNDER HIM

“I HAVE HIS MATRIX” OH NO DID HE STEAL THIS FROM SHATTERED GLASS’ OPTIMUS OH FRICK

Megatron running like that while holding the Matrix in his hands reminds me so vividly of a younger sibling stealing their older sibling’s diary and fleeing at top-speed from said older sibling and that’s hilarious to me. Megatron is so petty

Dang, so that’s how his eye got messed up. Ngl it’s a good look

CYBER COWS!!!!

Wow that wall is so WEAK the Decepticons are so dumb lmao

Oh yeah they have a new furry on their team

Rodimus: Math isn’t my strong-suit.

Arcee: Especially me!  Arcee you are ADORABLE

OH SHOOT MEGATRON CAN TALK TO THE PAST PRIMES TOO...DANG

WINDBLADE!!! MAKE WINDBLADE A PRIME YOU COWARDS

Ok I know I said “Shattered-Glass Optimus” earlier but based on that spoiler some moron on Twitter posted, IT’S PROBABLY TARN...man I wish I hadn’t seen that spoiler but despite that IM STILL EXCITED

Makes you wonder how TARN got the Matrix though (not that I can’t guess 8( )

Oh my gosh I just realized we have the potential to see Windblade kick Tarn’s butt in this series. Cyberverse PLEASE, I’D LOVE TO SEE THAT

Ah so Astrotrain is the new scientist

Ur bugs are probably dead dude

LASERBEAK!!!!

RAVAGE??? Oh no that’s the furry dude MAN I GET SO EXCITED EVERY TIME, I KEEP FORGETTING

As much as I Die for loyal Soundwave, it’s really cool seeing him being his own character and acting on his own in this series and trusting his own judgement / surveillance! It’s so good. Soundwave you’re so smart (and I love that he loves Laserbeak :’) )

*SOBBING* CASE IN POINT...HE PET THE BABY..

OHOHO IT”S *THE* INSECTICONS

Oh shoot the Insecticons are deserting 

“No one can stop him. Not even you” dang son

“He doesn’t want us. He wants you” OH BOY

MY BABY WHIRL!!!! THAT’S MY BOY

SEEKERS!!! I forgot we still had a few who Starscream didn’t frickin kill

NICE JUMP-ATTACK OPTIMUS I love that he cuts the dude’s weapon in half meanwhile Grimlock just frickin eats the guy lmao. So much for Optimus’ mercy

FRICK FRICK FRICK IT IS TARN

OK TARN OBJECTIVELY SUCKS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I ACTUALLY DO LOVE HIM BECAUSE HOLY FRICK IS HE A DANGEROUS CHARACTER AND THERE’S SO MUCH TO PLAY WITH THERE, I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM AND HOW THEY USE HIM FOR THE STORY AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dead End: Yeah, I see your point Lmao I love this guy

Everyone’s gonna frickin die in this series

OH NO WHIRL oh wait yeah he and Dead End know each other, Whirl’s fine

SOUNDWAVE CAN YOU AND SHADOW STRIKER CHILL FOR 2 SECONDS

I love Skybyte’s voice

WOW MEGATRON, YOU”RE ONLY PROTECTING HALF THE PLANET, JEEZ

OH SHOOT

OH SHOOT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh so that’s why they had a wall, Megatron you turd

WHIRL NO!!!!!!! oh he’s fine thank goodness

Did Megatron get taller??? He looks taller than Optimus now

Just use Optimus’ matrix you big baby

“It’s time I called in that debt you owe me. Now it’s time for you to save me” I LEGITIMATELY SHRIEKED OUT LOUD, AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

THERE HE IS, THERE HE IS THERE HE IS!!!!!!!

SCREW PAST ME’S OPINION, TARN IS FRICKIN COOL AS HELL

OH SHOOT THERE’S A TON OF HIM WTF

WHERE’S THAT FRICKIN “THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS, THERE!!! IT!!! IS!!!” MEME BECAUSE THAT’S BEEN ME THIS ENTIRE EPISODE HOLY HECK

Episode 26

MORE PRIME NAMES!!! A) that’s very pretty B) LEGIT THOUGH IF WINDBLADE’S THE ONE WHO KICKS TARN’S BUTT I’LL GO APE

OH FRICK IF OPTIMUS IS THERE THEN TARN REALLY DID KILL HIM or it means he beefed it in that universe, as he usually does

“I wish I’d gotten to know you better” 8((((((

What happened to Alt!Universe Optimus!!!!!!! How did you die!!!

Windblade: Optimus, you’re speaking in riddles... Optimus: I always do, it comes with the job of Prime. Windblade: Oh right

“A perfect Decepticon race” HOO BOYZY.....

“All because I spared your life” MAN THAT HURTS

At least they aren’t attacking them right now?

HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY RESOLVE THIS SERIES IN 10 MINUTES

ASTROTRAIN YOU COWARD not that I blame him, every bot for themself I guess

OH NO THE HURT PUPPY WHINE MAKES ME SO SAD

HELL YEAH SOUNDWAVE SAVE MY BABY BEE

I TAKE IT BACK TARN IS CANCELED, HE HIT SOUNDWAVE

*AND* HE GRABBED CHROMIA, YOU”RE CANCELED, ALL THESE CLONES ARE CANCELED

SOUNDWAVE IS THE ONLY VALID DECEPTICON

Optimus: Can’t keep-- Megatron: WE MUST! Me: *SOBS*

OPTIMUS AND MEGATRON BACK-TO-BACK FIGHTING AHHHHHHHHHH, IT”S THE LITTLE-THINGS

Definitely not the right time for this joke but: AU where instead of saying “Powers of Cybertron, unite!” they say “GAY RIGHTS” to activate their Matrix powers

Frick what if they kill MEGATRON in this series

HECK YEAH EVERYONE’S GETTING AN UPGRADE

Megatron: We must join our Matrixes together! Optimus: Now REALLY isn’t the best time for a marriage proposal Megatron: What Optimus: What

Thank you for telling Optimus to get down for once instead of just blasting him AND the Tarn-copies, Megatron

OH FRICK IT IS ALT-UNIVERSE MEGATRON NOT TARN WHO’S THE BIG BAD

I LEGIT STOPPED BREATHING DURING THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE AHHHH

THIS IS INFINITELY BETTER (AND WORSE) THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THAT MEANS ALT!UNIVERSE MEGATRON DID KILL OPTIMUS...MEANWHILE OUR UNIVERSE’S MEGATRON SPARED OPTIMUS...MAN THAT HURTS ME SO BAD

MEGATRON NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OPTIMUS SAVE HIM SAVE HIM PLEASE SOMEHOW SAVE HIM!!!!!

OPTIMUS LITERALLY FRICKIN RAN ACROSS THE ROOM TO CATCH HIM, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS DRAMA

NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN”T DO THIS TO ME CYBERVERSE

“Prime...one shall stand...one shall....” THIS IS THE SADDEST FRICKIN THING THAT”S HAPPENED IM LEGIT GONNA CRY, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hold on...my friend...” IM GONNA BAWL MY EYES OUT OPTIMUS

I legit had to take a moment to get up and do a lap around my room while processing what happened LIKE OK I KNOW THEY PROBABLY (???) WON’T PERMA-KILL MEGATRON BUT FRICK DUDE THAT WAS SO EMOTIONAL

MEGAOP RIGHTS....BUT AT WHAT COST

What’s fricking me up rn (granted, several things are fricking me up right now) is that this universe’s Megatron knew he could’ve achieved his goals if he’d just killed Optimus. He said so himself; he could’ve had it all but he failed “all because I spared your [Optimus’] life”. Whatever he saw in that other universe convinced him that killing Optimus just wasn’t worth it (or perhaps, deep deep DEEP down, he really doesn’t want to kill his old friend).

I’m rewatching that last minute and this feels like a frickin fanfiction. I’m Living but also Dying

I KNOW THIS IS A VERY TENSE SCENE BUT MEGATRON’S “I won’t pay for anything!” MADE ME LAUGH

SOUNDWAVE STANDING BETWEEN SHADOW-STRIKER AND MEGATRON!!!!!!!!! STANDING UP TO MEGATRON!!!! SOBS I LOVE SOUNDWAVE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ALSO PLEASE BE CAREFUL MY SWEET BOY!!!!! IF YOU GET HURT ILL NEVER BE OVER IT

Two reasons he could’ve done that: to keep Shadow Striker from getting super pissed off and lashing out at this enemy who’s way above their level, or because the “jacked up Frankenstein experiment” thing is a sore subject for her and Soundwave recognizes that (and frankly I’m leaning toward option B because SOBS....I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP)

GOTH FRIENDS!!!

OH OK THANK GOODNESS, MEGATRON ISN’T DEAD DEAD YET

Dang so Megatron did kill Optimus

OH NO WE’RE GETTING A FLASHBACK

FRICK THAT”S SO GRUESOME, HE JUST RIPPED OPTIMUS’ CHEST OPEN

YOU ALREADY KNOW THE MOST PERFECT DECEPTICON, HIS NAME IS SOUNDWAVE!!! YOU JUST DON’T APPRECIATE HIM YOU BIG BULLY

Oh shoot so the Quints came to that world too

DANG HE JUST WRECKED THEIR SHIP HUH....

I’m loving this throwback to the IDW design

WOW Y’ALL JUST IMMEDIATELY WENT “SURE WE’RE ONBOARD” (I mean, good way to stay alive but C’MON GUYS....)

“I have no need for any of you” WHOOPS SO MUCH FOR THAT should’ve seen that coming

THIS SUCKS SO BAD

NONONONO!!!! MEGATRON!!!!

HECK NOW HE HAS THE MATRIX

wow you guys really just let Megatron fall to the floor COME ON OPTIMUS WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SMOOTH MOVES

NICE ONE BEE!!!!!!

YEAH WERE ARE ARCEE AND HOT ROD

FRICK YEAH WHIRL, MESS HIM UP!!!!!!!!!

YEAH SHADOW STRIKER!!!!!!

RATCHET PUNCHING TARN HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

FRICK HE CAN JUST MATERIALIZE LIKE THAT TOO

WELL THAT DIDN’T LAST LONG

BEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And now you will pay the price...for being a hero” DANG THAT”S A COOL LINE BUT DON’T HURT MY BOY

FRICK HIM UP OPTIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WINDBLADE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO SAVE EVERYONE

YEAHHHH WINDBLADE!!!!!!!

Yeah don’t turn your back on the body please

YO Astrotrain came back

ASTROTRAIN THAT SOUNDS SO CREEPY AND ALSO THAT’S SUCH A BAD IDEA, JUST KILL HIM

I know this is a kid’s show but PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO MAKE SURE HE WON’T POP BACK UP IN A FEW YEARS WITH ANOTHER ARMY

IM GLAD WINDBLADE IS BACK AND IM LOVING THE HUG BUT DID MEGATRON LEGIT FRICKIN DIE????

WHAT!!! WHAT THAT CAN’T BE IT!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU END IT LIKE THAT NO!!!!!!! THAT WAS SO ABRUPT nO!!!!!!!!!! 

The last few episodes were such an adrenaline rush I CAN”T BELIEVE WE CAME DOWN FROM THAT HIGH SO QUICKLY....IS MEGATRON ALIVE??? KICKSTARTER TO FUND ONE MORE EPISODE???? SPARE ANOTHER EPISODE FOR A POOR FAN???

MAN I wish we could’ve stayed in the universe of this show for a little longer but dang!!! That was really really good!!! I’m so grateful we got to have such a wonderful series like Cyberverse! :’) Thank you to everyone who worked on this incredible show!!!

Man now I gotta wait for WfC for new Transformers content....at least I can look through the tag w/out getting spoiled now

A few more thoughts now that I’ve re-read my liveblog:

If Megatron could hop into the Matrix of Leadership he possessed, I wonder if he ever had a chance to talk to that universe’s Optimus Prime... :( based on what he said, probably not, but that makes me so sad!!!! Did they ever get the chance to work things out!!! IS MEGATRON ALIVE OR NOT.....

[yakumtsaki]

We don't like to do too much explaining, story stayed the same through the money and the fame, cause we... STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM NOW WE’RE HERE ♪

As loyal readers may or may not remember, my original plan was to faithfully follow legacy rules and slowly build a greek house for the kids, using w/e money we had in junior year. Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions! Which doesn’t really apply here but i like saying it. I’m actually not sure I even get what it means. Point is the nll update came in the meantime and despite my lawful intentions I was too done to build a house, so we commandeered the sorority house, banished DJ and co in the sim bin, added a gorilla statue and our proud letters (U-U-U) and here we are! I gave the house an extensive 10 minute makeover, bringing our funds to an impressive:

NOICE. We’re gonna starve but at least we’ll do it next to our bowling alley. Joining us in this glorious endeavor are Brit Brit, Melody and Frances J, while Wyatt and Ti-Ning have pledged and are expected to move in shortly. I doubt the sim world has ever seen such a bunch of assholes under the same roof.

Our first night is off to an incredible start, as everyone is starving, no one knows how to cook, we’ve ordered both pizza and chinese food and are thus completely broke, and megabitch Brit Brit has been hitting poor Fran with a baseball for 3 hours:

-Ooops, I did it again >:)

Idk but I have a feeling me and Brit are gonna get along great!

Finally, it looks like Fran is concussed enough to make a move on Jojo, which marks the start of the 3-man race for his tiny, vicious heart. Place your bets and take some dramamine cause it’s gonna be a wild ride. 

Case in point, it’s a new day in a new kitchen and Jojo’s mind is occupied by thoughts of everyone’s fav french-arabian prince, Wyatt Monif. Since Wyatt is a pledge and there are term papers that need writing we invite him over..

..and things are heating up. You know, if heating up means Jojo continues to be a pain in the ass and still doesn’t have a crush on Wyatt even though they’ve made out a hundred times. Jojo WHAT IS YOUR DEAL

-It’s called being a stone-cold motherfucker, you should give it a try. Now Wyatt, just because we’re best friends and semi-lovers doesn’t mean you’re still not a lowly pleb pledge completely at my mercy, so don’t get any ideas.

-Of course not, I’d rather die than disappoint my dear Jojό!

-Well let’s see which happens first.

-Oh, don’t worry, Gunthèr, it is I who will win Jojό’s heart!

-Yeah, I’m the complete opposite of worried.. whatever that is.

-Calm?

-WHATEVER THAT IS

-..Are you sure college is the right trajectoire for you?

Finally. THE TIME IS NEIGH. Hope you’re all ready for Ti-Nings personality panel........................

.............................................LMAO. Perfect Jojo match!

RICH BITCH CONVENTION. Seriously these 3 have a combined of what? 7 nice points? Put them all together and you make one bearable person.

-Aw, Jojό, is that a hunting knife in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

-I’m happy to see you!

-Ok I lied it was a hunting knife.

-Oui, I can tell :(

Small dick jokes aside, Wyatt is now not only officially in love with Jojo but apparently ready to commit his life to this monstrosity. Which you know, Jojo is a Union and I’m under contractual obligation to love him but Wyatt, seriously. You’re still young, a lot of fish in the pond, normal, nice, non-serial-killing fish..

-LOCK.THE.WANT.

Fine, can’t beat young love I guess! I mean if Romeo and Juliette teaches us anything...

...it’s that only death can.

For whom the bell tolls..

Oh Max........... the pleasure will be all mine.

One last kiss for the road... The road which leads to me never seeing Max’s fug clone ass on Jojo’s panel again.

Oh you’re a crafty one aren’t you!! Trying to charm your way out before I lock you in!! Thankfully Jojo has your number.

-Absolutely not, Max, I already have 3 people pursuing me, this is just excessive! Now get in there and die!

-Ugh fine, but my heart’s not gonna be in it.

Meanwhile, disaster has struck our house in the form of that stupid fucking coach, resulting in me facing the sight of Gunther doing lunges in this indescribable outfit. I don’t know how long it will be before I can look at him with the same eyes again.

-I suffer now but Mel is gonna thank me later ;)

Remember when you were an innocent weird little kid and not a sex demon??? Those were the fucking days.

Back in the yard and while the world awaits Max’s demise with bated breath, Frances has resorted to pulling dirty tricks. For shame, what did Wyatt ever to do to you, he’s a sweetheart!

-Well I’m not. And that’s why I deserve Jojo, unlike that family-aspiration-6-nice-points flop.

Yea you definitely deserve each other, no arguments here.

OH MAN, Wyatt is not playing around, he’s in it to win it. 

-Your move, Frannie. 

-Name your price, you french harlot. 

-Forget about it, mon ami, can’t buy me love.. Though I’m sure you’ve tried with that mug.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG FINALLY

-Ohoho suck it, Fran, I’m going napoleonic wars on your pasty british behind!

-Yes, that’s an apt metaphor considering the FRENCH LOST. Don’t get comfortable, pal, you won the battle but I’ll win the war.

-EXCUSE MOI, CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF JOJO FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME

I don’t mean to interrupt this thrilling conversation...

....BUT WILL MAX EVER EAT THE FUCKING CAKE

-Please bitch, the cake is a lie. 

God, fuck you, Portal, you overrated piece of shit.

Seriously guys, Wyatt is diabetes-inducing-sweet. He doesn’t even get mad when the cow does that pillow fight thing on him, instead he actually starts playing with him? What an angelic creature. I’m really starting to feel the urge to protect him from Jojo. If that plan goes as well as my plan to kill Max, WHO IS NOW BIRDWATCHING, you can count on them getting married by the end of this shitshow.

This rando ass prof comes to visit us and Ti-Ning has been mercilessly bullying him for the better part of the day. Ti-Ning, as much as I appreciate your relentless evilness, maybe you should focus your energy on something else, like perhaps going after Jojo aka THE REASON I MOVED YOU IN?

-Lol whatever, I have Jojo in the bag, he wants the one he cannot have...

Yea he also has 2 hotter guys than your bird ass after him, so time to step up! I mean look at this shit:

Wyatt has the relationship advantage, Fran the chemistry one, and you have shit even though you’re the biggest freak of the 3 and the closer one to Jo’s terrifying personality points! Take what is yours boo!

NOOOOO #REJECTED. Man that was some bad advice. Sorry Ti!

-UGH can’t believe I listened to you, ‘express my feelings’, what am I, 12?

Yea yea I’m sorry, let’s go back to your strategy of being a massive bitch.

The day is coming to an end. Jojo is eating pizza while his suitors work out..

 Gunther is back to doing ballet while Brit has picked up the mantle of torturing the prof..

AND MAX HAS YET TO DIE. JFC. At this rate he’s gonna die of hunger before he gets eaten which is not how I roll, I wanted something quick, painless and fun for his murder but WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS CAN WE. Even in death you decide to be a fucking pain in the ass GOD. YOU ARE THE WORST. While I’m contemplating ways to solve my little Komei clone problem a little window pops up and my first thought is ‘someone died of hunger’ but then I look and what do I see....

A PLOT FUCKING TWIST, THAT’S WHAT. Our good Jojo here waited until Wyatt and Fran were conveniently both at class to go for it! And now the real race for the crown begins. In the game of thrones, you win or you die birdwatch next to a cowplant, apparently. JUST DIE ALREADY MAX. Be a pal.

[dearmeiguo]

On Valuables - 论贵重物品

Since coming back to Beijing in September, I’ve turned the gas on the burner all the way down instead of turning it off three separate times. It’s a strange and dangerous mistake to make, a worse one to repeat. The reasons the mistake is dangerous are obvious: Turned down instead of up, the knob looks like it’s off, and a flame that low almost invariably goes out when the drafts in the apartment pick up. I don’t know if the stovetop turns the gas off automatically. I do know there isn’t an alarm. 

The reasons the mistake is strange are less clear. What I can say is that I can’t remember doing this once all last year. In fact, one of the first things I noticed when I moved into the apartment was that every time I cooked, the air became filled with the unmistakable smell of gas. Within a few days, the building maintenance men had gotten to know me as the American on crutches with ok Chinese who had insisted on replacing a perfectly good stovetop because she smelled gas no one else could smell. In the weeks that followed, my Chinese friends who came to my apartment would comment on how even though the apartment was very old and the bathroom was not that great, the stovetop was pretty good. “It’s new,” I’d say, proud to have advocated for myself, “It was leaking gas, so I made them replace it.” Sometimes, if I felt especially spirited that day, I’d add: “It’s the only thing in this apartment worth money!” 

It wasn’t true, but it was a good story, and I liked to tell it. Meanwhile, the man who later became my fiancé bought me a combination smoke and gas detector. It was a sweet and maybe useless gesture. I’ve burned a lot of things and left the stove top on three times already this year. It’s never gone off.

One of my first nights out in Zhengzhou, I heard a story about a woman on the 19th floor of a high-rise apartment building who’d committed suicide by leaving on the gas in her kitchen. It was early in the morning--between 6AM and 8AM--when something finally caused the gas in the kitchen to explode. No one besides the woman was seriously hurt (the woman died), but the explosion tore through the building’s main gas line, and inspectors quickly declared it unsafe for habitation.

I heard the story from an American woman who had been living just three floors below the woman on the 19th floor, and she understandably told the story from her perspective. That morning, she’d gone out to swim and come back to find the ground in front of her building covered in glass (from the windows, which had blown out). Here my memory becomes hazy; did she uncomprehendingly push through the fire department to get up into her apartment or did she somehow get to the scene before them? I can’t remember, but I do know what happened next: She entered her apartment, realized not the extent of the catastrophe but that there had been one, and gathered just enough things to survive before dashing off to her on-again-off-again boyfriend’s place. 

The explosion had led to a series of disasters for the young American. She hadn’t been able to return to the apartment to get her things because she was frightened of how unsafe it was, and she hadn’t wanted to continue paying rent for an apartment that was uninhabitable. Her landlord, in a fit of pique, left all of her belongings out in the hall and changed the locks. When the American finally returned, she found most of her most valuable things missing and herself with no recourse to reclaim them. Now she was leaving the country, and she wanted to sue her landlord for the value of the things that were missing and also her deposit. 

“Most of it is just stuff,” she said in a practiced, weary way. “But there was also jewelry and art.” She sighed. “The art is irreplaceable.” 

When I was leaving Zhengzhou, the women downstairs, who would eventually collaborate with each other to try to prevent me from getting a good deal on selling my furniture, asked me if I’d forgotten anything while packing. “I think I have everything,” I’d told them. They’d nodded, knowingly. “Just remember your jewelry,” they’d said, gesturing toward the plated gold necklace they were constantly insisting was evidence of my wealth. “Everything else is replaceable.” I never told them that the necklace was $35 and that it too was replaceable. Sometimes people need to tell themselves stories about you in order to live.

I’ve often wondered about the story of the woman on the 19th floor. How would we tell the story from her perspective? The American insisted that she committed suicide over a lover’s quarrel with either her boyfriend or her ex-husband, and that’s what the papers said too, but that doesn’t sound quite right to me. In Zhengzhou, every woman’s suicide ends up being about love, regardless of whether it is or not. 

For example: There was a suicide at a local mall in 2014 precipitated by a lover’s quarrel that everyone knew about. It’s strangely common for malls in China to be the sites of multiple suicides, and at one mall, a woman jumped from the eighth floor to her death during the mall’s opening week. Local Zhengzhou-ers gossiped that the mall had bad fengshui and was doomed to fail. Before it had been this mall, it had been another mall that had been forced to close after only four years, and before that it had been another merchant street that no one ever shopped at, and before that it had been a mass grave. “From the Cultural Revolution? From the Great Leap Forward? From World War II?” I would ask, taking notes furiously. 

There have been enough natural and manmade disasters in Zhengzhou that no one could tell me for sure which one had precipitated the mass grave, but they were sure it had been there and that there were ghosts. It was the ghosts who had made the girl jump. Onlookers had seen her fighting with her boyfriend and accusing him of not loving her when he refused to buy her something--a bag? Shoes? The tellings diverged on this point--and the girl, distraught, had thrown herself over the railing, falling down between the 16 sets of escalators and landing in a mess of blood on the immaculate white tiled floors.

“To kill herself over a bag!” one local scoffed, “It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not worth it! Before I’d kill myself, I’d break up with the boyfriend, earn the money, and buy it myself. A bag is not worth dying for!” She paused for emphasis. “That’s why the ghosts must have made her do it.”

Phrased that way, it was hard to disagree. Sometimes we tell stories about dead people in order to live.

The night I met the American woman who lost her irreplaceable art after the woman on the 19th floor committed suicide, I also met the local who told me the first version of this story. She was working as a waitress at the bar where the American had come to meet the lawyer she hoped would help her sue her landlord (she’d lose the case). The American was trying to bake a pie in the bar’s oven, and even without a command of basic Mandarin had managed to communicate her disdain to the woman who would eventually become my best friend and favorite interlocutor, full of stories about ghosts under malls and in swimming pools. “I liked you because you were different from that other American,” she’d later tell me, “She was sad and tense, but you were happy and relaxed.” At the time, I’d tried to defend the other American. Now I don’t know if I’d make the effort. Much later, someone told me the American and the boyfriend she left Zhengzhou for broke up. I haven’t heard anything else about her though. 

One way to do fieldwork is to focus in on stories that seem valuable or confusing to you and repeat them to others. Valuable and confusing are for me the same thing; anything I don’t understand immediately is an opportunity to learn from others’ interpretations. That’s how I ended up repeating the story of the mall suicide to another local friend of mine who I knew to be particularly superstitious. He stopped me in the middle of the telling.

“Which mall are you talking about?”

I told him and tried to continue. “Can you believe it! She killed herself over a bag--”

“She didn’t kill herself over a bag.” He stopped me again. 

In my memory, he was driving me to dinner, but I might be wrong; always, we are either driving together or else eating things he doesn’t like, (”We are bad at picking restaurants together but good at drinking together,” he jokes, loving to remind me that we too met at a bar.) Maybe we were driving, but we may also have been eating mediocre Italian pasta or mediocre Korean fried chicken.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because I know that person,” he said sadly. “Her mother is my friend. She was there with her mother, not her boyfriend. She’d had depression for a long time. Those days, she’d been ok, so her mother left her by herself while she went to the bathroom. She was in her twenties. She wasn’t a child, it should have been fine. But in those few minutes when she was gone, her daughter jumped.”

The air left the car. Or the restaurant. Or maybe the dark, empty bar. I didn’t say anything. He went on to explain that the family was rich but the parents were divorced, and the mother felt particularly close to her daughter. She knew the depression was dangerous and real, and for years she had tried to do everything she could to cure it, getting her daughter doctors and drugs, anything that might help. That month, the daughter had seemed ok, which was why she’d agreed to go to the mall opening in the first place.

“Can you imagine,” he continued, “You leave your only child alone for a minute and then she’s gone forever.”

The month before I got engaged I started to have a recurring nightmare. Or not a nightmare, because I was always awake when it would come to me. It was more like an invasive thought. I’d be washing dishes and suddenly I’d feel a rush of adrenaline: my then-not-quite-fiancé was out there in the world somewhere. What if he were dead? The fear ramped up when I knew he was about to get on airplanes or go on long bike trips, but it was lurking even when I rationally knew he was fine, just sleeping away in his apartment in New Jersey while I puttered around my updated Chinese kitchen. Even though I was by that point--like now--too tired to keep a diary, I made a quick note to myself: Do not confuse fear of loss with love, and, There must be better ways to love than fear. 

What space can we make for those lost, for valuable lessons never internalized? When my cat came into my life, I woke up the first night in a cold sweat, convinced I’d rolled onto the tiny creature and smothered her with the weight of my dumb, unlearning body. That same week, a man delivered a pizza, and when the cat didn’t emerge for minutes after, I knew in my chest that she’d somehow scurried out the door and would be lost forever. Weeks later, I confessed to a friend that I irrationally worried about shutting the door on the cat each time I left the house, and when she teased that maybe we had, I stopped dead in my tracks ready to turn around and undo the unforgivable thing I’d done till she touched my arm and apologized: “I’m joking, of course, I’m joking.”

Now, months later, I talk about the cat as teaching me about my own capacity for love, and that’s true. By living with and caring for an animal that cannot reciprocate the kind of care I’m giving her, I’ve learned something strange and dangerous about how to love unconditionally, without expectations. Strange because why love an animal so much, and dangerous because it’s shown me just how conditional the love in the rest of my life is. I love the cat when she settles in my lap and meows in my face to stop me from sobbing and I love the cat when she sprints around the house while shitting. She is, I half-joke, the only thing keeping me here in Beijing, which feels less like home and more like a trap every month.

The cat has been alive now for exactly the same amount of months that I was engaged, which should be meaningful but isn’t. I haven’t grown out of the fear I felt when she first came into my life. Last night, I woke up gasping from a dream where she’d choked on her own vomit; instead I found that she’d overturned her food and water bowl and was happily tracking the contents of both all over the kitchen. Just a day before I’d cradled her with one arm while rinsing cat puke out of the e-collar she’s wearing while recovering from surgery with the other. The day before that, I’d cried quietly in the back of a cab for 30 minutes, convinced she was going to die from the spaying surgery I’d elected to give her and leave me with nothing. Here it is, the depth of my love, and it’s so big and yet so shallow: the certainty that I will lose myself if I lose this dumb sweet creature because I wanted her not to reproduce. 

Could my sense of self be that tenuous? After all, I’ve lost those things I dreaded losing before. Not the way I feared losing them (to car accidents, airplane crashes, or natural disasters), but it’s hard to see what difference that makes. I’m still the same person, aren’t I? Even if I do turn the burner down instead of off, I can still say that I’m not completely lost. Sometimes you have to tell yourself a story because you can still live.

Here’s another strange story: my friend who drove the car or ate the pasta or drank the beers also believed that the suicide had happened because of ghosts, specifically the ghosts from the mass grave that the mall was built on top of. Otherwise, he reasoned, it didn’t make sense. Sure, she had depression, but so did he. Why would she be fine one minute and throwing herself over the railing the next? It didn’t make sense. Lots of places in Zhengzhou had bad fengshui, he went on. The swimming pool in the office building across from the building where his failed coffee shop had been had a demon living below it. How else could I explain the cold he’d gotten after swimming there that had taken months to go away? From other vantage points in the city, fortune tellers could see the bad luck and bad energy lurking underneath Zhengzhou’s newest buildings and most developed boulevards. The city was like the movie Poltergeist, except at a much larger scale: Everywhere was an American Indian graveyard. 

Weeks after we had this conversation, news broke that construction crews had discovered an ancient Shang Dynasty tomb underneath the basketball courts at the city’s athletic facilities. The response was incredulous. “Discovered”? Everyone in Zhengzhou knew the real estate industry had sacrificed countless irreplaceable national treasures in its quest for new kinds of capital. I read the news and imagined my friend, sneaking a knowing look at me from the driver’s seat and saying, “See?” 

Sometimes only one version of the story can be told if everyone else is going to live. Is it dangerous to ask whether the woman on the 19th floor might have also died because of ghosts? Because of an accident? Because of any reason that isn’t her failure to keep a man? I’ve been thinking a lot recently of this story, “Du Tenth Sinks the Jewel Box In Anger.” It’s very old, and almost too on the nose--you barely need me to tell it to you. All the tellings are the same. A woman chooses a man, and she is wrong to choose him. He betrays her out of fear and for money. Horrified to have committed her whole self to a man who could recognize neither her value nor the fact that she was going to be able to secretly fund them with priceless treasures for the rest of their lives together (hidden in the title jewel box), she commits suicide after dumping everything of value into the river that would have otherwise taken them to their happy life together.

When I first read the story, I remember not understanding the story’s climax at all. “Killing yourself over a man when you’re already rich,” I remember thinking, “It doesn’t make any sense! Why not just keep living and build a better life by yourself?” My teacher guessed that it was less about the man and more about her inability to live with herself; in a world where the only true choice a woman might be lucky enough to have is who she has as her partner, Du Tenth’s failure to love correctly might have been too much to bear. 

Or maybe not. There could be other things at play. The story doesn’t guess about the fengshui of the river port where Du Tenth met her early end, though she herself comes back as a ghost to terrorize the man who tried to buy her until he too commits suicide. She spares, however, the cowardly man who betrayed her, and there’s somehow nothing mysterious about that: an irresponsible man never having to bear the consequences for outliving the better woman he should have valued. It’s an old story. I’m surprised I even want to tell it anymore. 

When I tell the story of the woman on the 19th floor to people in Zhengzhou, the metaphor I think of is clucking. No one connects her to Du Tenth or to the depressed woman jumping into the space between the mall escalators because of ghosts. No one wants to talk to about the fengshui of the ordinary apartment building whose gas lines she destroyed. Instead, everyone is suddenly a mother hen, brooding over the irresponsibility of it all. “How selfish,” they cluck, their heads bobbing back and forth, “If she was married, maybe she had children! If she wasn’t married, maybe he did! Certainly there were children in the building.” At the beginning, it was hard for me to understand the connection between the woman dying in her enclosed, oxygen-free kitchen and these phantom children, but now I understand.  It is a story that makes it hard to live. The woman’s actions disrupted the necessary fiction of an actually isolated urban life and laid bare just how connected each family in each Chinese high-rise apartment building were to each other. Through the woman on the 19th floor, people became aware of a danger to their own children that they’d been able to repress before.

There are children in my building, but they are not my children. And anyway I feel differently about children now, somehow. There was a period of time when I got back from Zhengzhou when just the sight of a stranger’s baby on the street would make me start to cry. “It doesn’t make any sense,” I told my therapist, and she told me that maybe it wasn’t about the children themselves but what they symbolized: innocence, newness, a future. Precious, irreplaceable things that we should spare from economic metaphors like value. Now I cry more, but not about babies, and never in those moments when I am cooking and can hear the school children playing outside the window of my pretty good kitchen, where I haven’t smelled gas all year.