#but me being ace is prolly a trauma related thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cantskank · 4 years

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today i was going through it a bit, emotions-wise

so first of all: (fuck your fucking attitude/how could you be so fucking rude?/you look at me like when girls are jealous)

i didn’t get any sleep last night (like i stayed up literally all night, then had my remote classroom discussion period where i didn’t contribute a single thing, then had my meeting with my advisor, then passed out for like 3 hours, then had “lunch” at 3:00). i was already like physically a wreck.

so early early morning i saw a post from someone i follow on my actual tumblr basically about not using queer? or tagging it as the q slur or whatever. and it’s an entirely moot point because this person doesn’t follow me and (prolly) never will but it just really threw me. it seems like it’s not for sketchy reasons- p sure they identify as an nb lesbian so nothing like terfy going on, i think it’s from like family related trauma which is totally understandable! like i really wanna have a lot of compassion for people who feel that way for that reason (and no compassion for terfy reasons).

i think for asexuals in particular there is a lot of stake in how acceptable the term queer is. like, i quite literally cannot fit in the “lgbt community.” i can probably fit in the lgbt+, lgbtq, lgbtq+ communities; there’s probably room for me there; and i definitely fit in the lgbtqia+ community (assuming they don’t have the a for some ally fuckery) BUUUT queer is definitely a term that has always felt comfortable to me, even before i knew i was aro ace (but knew something was off with me, sexuality-wise. not that i vocally used queer before id’ing as aro ace but it was always a viable option for me and if i had been asked prior to learning about aspec orientations i might have said “queer in some way”). and i think a lot of aspec people feel the same way. as aspec people, excluding any allo orientations or gender minority, just as people who by some variety feel an absence of attraction (as laid out by society as a whole as “normal” attraction(s)) we are not, by definition, part of the lgbt community. but i think there’s very little issue calling ourselves queer based on being aspec. and terfs and exclusionists know this, and that is literally the reason they insist on queer being a slur.

also in defense of queer as a term: it is literally reclaimed!! meaning, the act of calling oneself queer is done in order to take back the term from the people who wanted it to hurt you with it. “queer is a slur” yes that is literally why it has been chosen to represent the community! “queer as a term has been weaponized against me so personally and intimately that i cannot associate with it” is maybe closer to what people want to say, since “queer is a slur” is like yes? that’s why people use it?

and like the thing is it’s been used, literally the first time i heard “queer is a slur don’t use it” was in my last year of university (~2017)- the same university where the organization for lgbtq+/queer students was literally “queer (name of university)”. i first learned about queer as a reclaimed term in 2011! and there was an acknowledgement of “yes this was/has been a slur, but it’s reclaimed” but absolutely not “this was a slur and it’s still a slur so always fucking tag for it since apparently reclaiming a word only goes so far as the people who care to reclaim it, everyone else gets to insist it is still a slur and has a negative power over people.” okay that’s probably not fair but it just feels like backwards progress. and i did just look it up and i did only go to wikipedia but wikipedia says it’s been used in a reclaimed sense since the late 80s (i would have guessed sometime in the 90s but i knew it wasn’t a new thing). how! can! this! still! be! a! contentious! issue!

(i mean we all know why it’s so popular now, it’s all terfs. and again, there are legitimate reasons to not like the term but i think the main reason it has any traction is because of terfs and that is just fucking depressing.)

so like, there’s a lot in terms of how acceptable and valid my identity is that gets tied up in this question, and to see someone i really look up to reject it really threw me. i was going to throw something in here about how i had a revelation that my moon in my 4th house meant i rely a lot on community acceptance and validation for my emotional state (and my internal acceptance of my own feelings- so like i can only validate my feelings if i feel a sense of community acceptance/consensus/belonging). then i checked my chart and i misremembered. my moon is actually in my 8th house (in gemini) which is still watery community vibes but 8th house is a lot more interpersonal i feel. still sourcing a lot of validation from others, lots of emotional interdependency i guess. and i just checked the cafeastrology blurb, and i do agree with it and don’t think my interpretation is too much of a stretch. and to me it explains my interest in partnership/a qpr down the line, as well as my emphasis on emotional intimacy and a bit of platonic jealousy.

anyway, so i was kinda emotionally thrown by that. then in dear prudence’s livestream today, the first q was about disliking the term queer. danny and grace are both trans so i was like nervous the “real” queer/lgbt people were going to kinda dismiss queer as a term but it was good! they did really emphasize how common that viewpoint is amongst terfs (a reference to “conservative lesbians” as well) also sidenote they are both beautiful humans.

anyway clearly i have lots of feelings about this but i want to get to bed so here’s a lightning round of the rest of the reasons i’ve been feeling vaguely shitty and mostly just overwhelmingly negative:

still stuck inside (duh)

also team pinata privated their videos because of online harassment, dissociadid is also taking a break and i’m just like really worried for both of them. like again, not feeling stably good and that is hard to see.

haven’t really been keeping in touch with people which means i’m feeling very isolated as well as very guilty for not reaching out to them, and also like “this is why you don’t have any friends. you deserve all the blame for having basically no one in your life, a thing which has become abundantly clear when you’re stuck at home and like people aren’t reaching out to you.”

someone who i have been in contact with (basically all my contact with) is my mom, which i feel like isn’t very healthy. and she’s probably doing it to check in on me which is really nice. but right now i’m struggling with questions about kinda who i am and what i want to do (like with my life) and i think i struggle with these questions 1 because i’m in fucking the middle of nowhere and hate my living situation and hate my life (this is really probably the biggest part of it, i feel completely hopeless and should probably be seeing a therapist because i would feel very unsurprised if i’m severely depressed) but also somewhat 2 i’ve always tried to live up to my parents’ (and let’s face it, mostly my mom’s since dad was not v available) expectations and would do literally anything to make them “not mad at me” which is a very juvenile turn of phrase that i think shows how like entrenched this is for me. i am just really used to ignoring my own signals in favor of their approval? so like i probably don’t fully know what i want. and being in grad school (which like i’m a year and a half in, this is not a new situation so idk why it’s hitting now) is the 1st time i haven’t been dependent on them?? which is a big like “thing” for me. i always felt i couldn’t be super confrontational with them because i was always supposed to be grateful for everything they did?? so like you can’t complain about how i’m talking to you because i’m taking the time out of my day to give you a ride. or you can’t talk to me with “tone” because we’re feeding you and you should be grateful. and like i was always trying to be less dependent on them for that, but if i did i wasn’t “accepting help”, i was “always trying to do everything on your own”, i was “pushing them away”. anyway, in university they were paying my tuition, in my year off i was living at home. and i’m super privileged to have that, and i’m unbelievably thankful. but, now i’m truly on my own and i’m trying to figure out what that means. and it’s hard when i’m constantly talking to people who bring me back there. also i worry i am “too okay” with talking to them now because they’re like actually nicer now? so like i’m ignoring my own valid feelings from the past which i didn’t feel like i had the space to acknowledge as valid because i was always trying to “be good” and “make it up to them” for like disagreeing with them? and now that they don’t have a hold on me in terms of like living with them- now that i have options- they are nice so i don’t reexamine the conciliatory ways i behaved towards them when i was younger? idk. it’s tough.

also had a meeting with my supervisor today re: my crappy paper that we’re trying to make less crappy. it went like mostly fine- like she didn’t tear me to pieces. last time i met with her was about a proposal and she started the meeting with “i’m questioning how much you want to be here” which is just like really hard to hear. so i didn’t hear that this time, which is good (great). some of the stuff when she was explaining seemed like aimed toward a super basic level and it’s like is that how slow she thinks i am?? like. i know i’m probably not smart enough to be successful at the thing i’m going for which is fucking terrifying. a year and a half in, i feel just way too dumb and idk what to do except just keep trying?? idk we’ll see. then she just sent an e-mail about like compiling the literature and i slack way too much on that and idk like we both kinda know that? so i’m a paranoid freak and i always read so much into everything but getting that was like “i’m trying to remind you that you’re behind on this and a failure!! but not addressing it because you’ve cried a couple times and so i don’t want to give feedback that might be hurtful.” like lol. i am good if you give me super harsh feedback. probably it’s better. i don’t deserve to really be handled super gently like that. it’s okay if you want to be more no nonsense about it, i can handle it. at least with that i know you’re mad at me?? as opposed to being nice? then i can’t tell if you’re genuine or if you’re trying a more passive-aggressive approach. i’m a bit dead inside, i can deal if you want to get your disappointment in my failures off your chest.

also my just severe difficulty with no order or routine. i’ve been wondering for like over a year now whether i have like executive function disorder?? it could also just be the being in quarantine where everyone has trouble focusing. i do relate to a lot of the things i see about it. i really should just be going to a therapist. probably once i’m off my parents’ health insurance (okay i’m dependent on them in that way, though i can also opt for the school’s insurance) so they don’t know/wouldn’t be on the hook for them (and feel entitled in some ways to know about that. i really really really don’t want to tell them. like, anything)

wow this is a fucked up amount of text. goodnight.

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