#but no that boy is a conspiracy theorist ain’t nothing boring about him

[professorsta]

I actually think Mabel created a cultural shift because Alex Hirsch created this hyper feminine, boy crazed, art loving weirdo and decided she will also be morally grey and chaotic as fuck. People didn’t like her but she was necessary for the cause, which was showing people that feminine girls can be a menace to society just as much as bland boys (no offense dipper)

[machonachos]

1-50 for Valak! (sorry if this is too much I just love the demon boi)

1. A little-known talent of your OC?

Valak is an urban sketcher. Whenever he’s really, really got nothing to do, he likes to sit around in public places and draw the architecture of the areas. Buildings, bridges, fountains, overpasses... p much any structures in view.

2. What trait does your OC like best about themself?

His personality! Valak happens to think he’s quite the charmer, for a hellspawn.

3. How many pillows does your OC sleep with?

One when he’s living alone but ideally he’d want two.

4. Is your OC good at keeping secrets?

He’s kept his entire a identity a secret for hundred years so yeah, most def.

5. Your OC’s worst habit?

His bathroom etiquette is appalling.

6. Does your OC prefer tennis shoes/sneaker or flip flops?

Definitely sneakers. He only owns one pair of shoes and they’re sneakers.

7. What is your OC’s opinion on body modifications?

He’s totally into it! Whenever he gets really bored, he’ll go out and get a new piercing. Tattoos never really got his attention tho, likely because of how similar they are to being marked with a sigil.

8. Your OC is given a full-ride scholarship to any college they could want to go to. Where do they go and what do they major in?

Lmao Valak is an inhuman being that, for all intents and purposes, is dead. He has no use for schooling.

9. What chore does your OC hate the most?

Cleaning. He really finds it tedious as all hell.

10. Would your OC prefer to live in the city, the suburbs, or the country?

Definitely city. Easier to blend in when there’s tons and tons of people around.

11. Is your OC a blanket hog?

Nah, he’ll start off under the blankets but he ends up pushing them off while he’s sleeping.

12. Would your OC play by the rules in a fight or take cheap shots?

He would do whatever it takes to win a fight even if it’s underhanded.

13. Does your OC have a widow ’s peak?

Nah.

14. Happy birthday! What kind of present would your OC want?

He wants his peeby in some holes, or vice-versa.

15. Something that grosses your OC out?

When Angelo’s all whacked out and licks up his tar.

16. Your OC is suddenly on an adventure! Where do they go and what do they do?

Start chatting up the locals. Can’t figure out what to do and where to go if you don’t make friends first, right?

17. Is there a real person that looks like your OC?

Well, his faceclaim is Noah Centineo so,,,

18. Something that makes your OC laugh without fail?

Vines of toddlers faceplanting.

19. Something that makes your OC cry without fail?

I don’t know about cry without fail, but finding out that a cat from the cat cafes that he likes has died makes him feel some type of way.

20. A obscure/ridiculous fear your OC has?

He’s terrified of bodies of water.

21. Does your OC have any type of disability, whether it be mental, physical, etc?

Nope.

22. Does your OC get frustrated when people forget to close the door behind themselves?

He’s not too anal about privacy so he doesn’t care.

23. What is your OC’s first memory?

Drowning.

24. Something you like that your OC would hate?

Getting pampered.

25. Your OC is going into battle/on a mission! What song is their anthem?

The Bomb Dot Com V2 by Sleeping With Sirens.

26. Does your OC have good or bad posture?

Good posture.

27. Most despicable thing your OC has ever done?

Well, he’s a demon so... a lot.

28. Is your OC a conspiracy theorist?

Nah, being non-human gives you hella perspective.

29. Someone does something awful in front of your OC. How do they handle it?

It depends on the awful thing. If it’s not something directly affecting him or Angelo then he wouldn’t really care.

30. What is your OC’s favorite drink?

Diet sodas.

31. Does your OC prefer to sleep in a warm or cool area?

Cool area because he runs hot.

32. Would your OC like you if they met you?

Lmao nah, I’m not his type.

33. A song that reminds you of your OC?

Party Nights by Strawberry Girls ft. Andres

34. Is your OC a nail biter?

He sure is.

35. What is your OC’s favorite quote?

“If ya ain’t getting your dick wet then what’s the point?”

36. Your OC’s favorite fashion era? (20’s, 70’s, etc)

90′s grunge.

37. Does your OC get excited when they get mail?

Nah, never because it’s likely just spam.

38. Random thunderstorm! How does your OC react?

Takes minute before picking up the pace. Valak doesn’t mind getting wet so long as he’s not submerged.

39. A strange talent of your OC?

He can make his pecs pop.

40. Assuming your OC doesn’t have them already, what superpower would they want? If they do already, would they change it, keep it, or get rid of it?

He’s already got plenty of supernatural abilities and he’s content with them.

41. Does your OC like/make puns?

Yeah, he thinks they’re decently funny. He likes them best when they’re dirty puns.

42. What kind of shampoo does your OC use?

Whatever’s available at Angelo’s place, so probably very fancy stuff.

43. Your OC wakes up with a coin super glued to their forehead. How do they react?

He’d probably get Angelo to try and scrape it off because his nails are way too short.

44. Can your OC sleep if there’s any kind of light?

Fuck yeah, he can sleep through anything.

45. What kind of self-esteem does your OC have?

Grade A self-esteem.

46. A word that your OC can’t stand?

Psalms 75:1-10

47. Does your OC fold their clothes, hang them up, or just leave them in the basket/dryer?

Valak just leaves his shit lying around.

48. Would society call your OC a good guy or a bad guy? What would they say they are?

Society would probably call him a bad guy but he doesn’t see himself as one. He considers himself a pretty reasonable demon.

49. Your OC’s most prized possession?

His wedding band.

50. What is your OC’s happy place?

Anywhere so long as he’s nestled with Angelo.

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 110: Onion Gang

“No more weirdo friends.”

There have been a handful of Steven Universe episodes that I only watched once, didn’t like, and didn’t watch again until reviewing them for this project. Time has been kind to many of them: I’ve come to appreciate Ronaldo (especially in Rising Tides, Crashing Skies, which I was super down on) as well as Say Uncle and The New Lars. I don’t necessarily love all these episodes now, but they’re a lot better than I once thought.

But yeah sometimes my first impression is right on the money.

Onion Gang is the most boring episode of the series by a country mile. The show has meandered before in the likes of Cat Fingers, Steven’s Lion, and Open Book, but these stories at least resolve in interesting ways. Looking forward, Escapism has even fewer words than Onion Gang, but it’s designed to simultaneously add to Steven’s many ordeals and act as the calm before the storm (and it’s also, y’know, watchable; silence can be a good thing, ask any episode of Samurai Jack). But Onion Gang is relentlessly uninteresting throughout.

The glacial pace isn’t helped by comedy bits falling flat at a rate that’s almost impressive. I try pretty hard to find things I like in episodes I don’t, but there’s literally nothing here for me. That is not easy. Especially considering how much of a sucker I am for Onion, slapstick, and weird goofy side adventures. This should be right up my alley, but hoo boy is it not.

Still, I’ll give it a try: the most generous reading of Onion Gang is that it focuses on Steven misunderstanding Onion, and if you squint, you can draw a parallel between his assumptions about Onion and his assumptions about Rose (both silent, mysterious figures in his life) being proven wrong. False narratives are a recurring theme in Steven’s arc, and another one pops up here. But even if that broadest of strokes is an intended connection, it doesn’t stop Onion Gang from being a catastrophe.

The only Onion Pal that leaves any impression is Garbanzo, and the impression is that Garbanzo is the worst character the show has ever produced. Villains like Kevin and Aquamarine are horrible, but that’s the point. Irritating secondary characters like Ronaldo and Lars have actual depth, and otherwise further the plot and are reliable for decent humor at times (it’s a shame that only one of them grows, but still). Garbanzo is a kid who shouts the word “Garbanzo” as if this is inherently amusing, and uh that’s it. The joke isn’t funny the first time, and doesn’t become funny through brute force repetition. It’s just annoying.

Squash, Soup, and Pinto are...there? They mostly exist for the gag of Steven naming all of them, a continuation of his unusually domineering presence in Onion Gang. Because oh yeah, on top of everything else this is a dreadful Steven episode. It’s not Sadie’s Song, because his presumptuous attitude doesn’t cause actual harm, but this is a bad look on a hero whose powers are supposed to be based on empathy. His narration of Onion’s actions mostly acts as another gag, and like Garbanzo, it’s not a funny one, but that doesn’t stop the episode from repeating it ad nauseam.

Steven’s weird behavior doesn’t stop there. The overlong go-kart scene ends with Steven seeing Garbanzo spray ketchup on himself, then instantly forgetting he saw this and openly wondering if Garbanzo is hurt. Which makes this the dumbest Steven has ever been. It makes zero sense that he would be bamboozled by something he saw faked with his own eyes, to the point where the gag itself becomes confusing: this would be like if he saw Amethyst eat his dinner then asked where his dinner went, it requires Steven’s intelligence to plummet so perilously that it confounds what we’re supposed to find funny about the joke in the first place.

But the most bizarre misfire by far is Steven declaring that he’s “the lonely boy with no friends his age” when Connie Maheswaran exists. She’s busy (as is the underused Peedee), but our hero makes the flying leap that this means he’s utterly friendless. This is a kid defined by his ability to make friends. He saves the ocean once and the planet twice by making friends. The entire show hinges on his fundamental friendliness. This plot point is ludicrous, even when we take into account that Steven is being annoyingly melodramatic.

A nitpick, but one that fuels the Ronaldo-level conspiracy theorist in me, is that Connie was prepping for school in Buddy’s Book and is attending school in Mindful Education, so if she’s shopping for school supplies in Onion Gang then either she’s doing it super late (which doesn’t sound like something she or her mother would ever allow) or this episode, which mind you is stated to take place as summer ends, should've aired between the two Connie episodes. The conspiracy theory is that Onion Gang would’ve looked even weaker when shoved between two episodes about what good friends Steven and Connie are, so it got moved to settle between two Crystal Gem stories.

I think that it’s theoretically possible to make a good episode that evokes unambiguous pathos from Onion. But considering the character works because he’s this strange, menacing force of nature in an otherwise pretty normal population of humans, I’m not sure he’s a character that needs the depth. Onion Friend hit a sweet spot of making him grow a little, but maintain his creepy charm. Onion Gang goes further, but in doing so removes everything interesting about Beach City’s resident weirdo. Gone is the kid who two episodes ago was robbing the arcade with a crowbar and a bandit mask. Here instead is an odd but sensitive kid whose mischievous friends somehow render him less mischievous than usual. It’s bad enough to have a boring episode, but a boring episode with Onion as the focus? Again, it’s almost impressive.

There’s no reason to watch this episode instead of any other Onion-centric episode if Onion is your jam. There’s no reason to watch this episode instead of any other Steven-centric episode barring Sadie’s Song if Steven is your jam. There’s no reason to watch this episode instead of rewatching Last One Out of Beach City if being charmed by friendship is your jam. There’s no reason to watch this episode instead of Buddy’s Book if thematic resonance in regards to false narratives is your jam. There’s no reason to watch this episode instead of any episode of Craig of the Creek if kids playing outside is your jam. Only watch Onion Gang if you’re a glutton for punishment.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Part of me wants to rank this higher than Fusion Cuisine and House Guest, where I find more insulting mischaracterizations. But both of those episodes have enjoyable elements that are weighed down by lousy depictions of Connie and Greg; Garnet’s a riot in the former, and there’s a sweet song in the latter despite being muddled by context. Whereas there are no real bright spots in Onion Gang. It’s an unbearable eleven minutes that I’m never going to watch again.

Sadie’s Song is worse because it’s the worst Steven episode in the series and it misses the mark so much, and it’s important to Sadie’s arc so it’s harder to skip, which makes me resent it more. Island Adventure is worse because its moral is that abuse is a reasonable method of communication. But that’s all that’s stopping Onion Gang from reaching the very bottom.

The good news is that this is it for my No Thanks list, and while I might’ve had a bit of fun dissecting why I dislike Onion Gang so much, it bears saying that 6 stinkers in 180 episodes and a movie ain’t shabby.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

When It Rains

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure