#but objectively i'm like 98% sure i have autism
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#midnight thoughts before going to bed (feel free to ignore)#but today i realized two major things about myself and my mental illness#1. i was reminded that when you have an anxiety disorder your body has a hard time telling the difference between anxiety and excitement#and suddenly my whole life made sense lol#the amount of times i didn't do something that i really wanted to do because it caused me MAJOR anxiety#and it was probably excitement actually but my body went into full fight or flight mode#and 2. i realized that my masking is actually causing me physical pain#like this is of course of i am actually autistic. i still feel like i can't say i am cause i have no right you know?#but objectively i'm like 98% sure i have autism#ANYWAYS masking is usually just forcing eye contact or not stiming in public (as much)#but today i realized that when i hear loud noises or too many at the same time my instinct is to cover my ears#but i don't because that's ''weird'' or will make people ask questions that i don't really know how to answer#so i don't cover my ears i just sit through it in actual pain and hope for the best#and the worst part of this is that when i say ''masking in public'' i mean in my own damn home#because of my mom and the fact that she doesn't believe i have issues#i think it's my fault tho i shouldn't have mentioned my self diagnosis while we were watcing the good doctor (and later attorney woo)#because those two are her only reference for what autism is/looks like and i'm not like that#i mean for the most part... the good doctor was the reason i realize i might be autistic#and woo's struggle with revolving doors hit a bit too close to my heart lol#but anyways...#i need to deal with my out of control anxiety#and i'm pretty sure i am autistic...#those are the conclusions of this post lol#angel talks#personal
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