#but seriously don’t romantisize their bad personalities

[worthy-prince-i-knowt]

i feel like i keep coming back

tw: rape, SA, alcoholism, abuse, drugs

before i stop posting completely about tsh i feel i need to do the ethical thing and post the bad things about the characters so we don’t romantasize them, which is literally the point of the book (morbid longing for the picturesque at all cost)

Richard: literally fantasized about raping camilla

Francis: kinda SA’ed Richard in that one scene and everyone kinda brushed it off as oh, gay moment when Richard was telling him to stop

Charles: oh boy was he an abuser. he cared about his friends a lot but he was an alcoholic abuser who never addressed his behavior

Henry: Extremely problematic, literally the catalyst for the whole thing murdered two people and loved it even though one was his “bestie.” also highly manipulative and uses people for his own causes

Bunny: the list goes on and on, racist, homophobic, hates catholics (idk what that’s called but it’s not cool), antisemitic (hates jews), misogynistic woman hater, hates his girlfriend, makes fun of his friends, gold digger, manipulative, etc etc

Camilla: my bbg she did nothing wrong they were so bad to her i love her sm

and Judy did drugs but like she’s a college student in the 80’s so it’s not good but it was acceptable

and to lighten the mood

Richard: changed colleges and majors bc of pretty pictures in a brochure from 4 years ago

Francis: thinks smoking isn’t bad for his health

Charles: Blond Bitch

Henry: dog killer, was probably the one who bit Charles at the baccanal

Bunny: likes marches (jps in the morning???)

Camilla: didn’t lose her shit and kill that entire group

as you can see i love Camilla

and i have a love hate relationship with the rest of the characters bc they’re so problematic but so interesting at the same time

[punk-zionist-vibes]

Have you considered therapy for your problems instead of this one person who you seem to be heavily dependent on for your well being?

Alright going to answer this on foot-

I'm not sure how much I want to reveal but Imma be brutally honest for a second-

We tried therapy. I was rushed to the hospital, we were delivered there by police, to an ambulance, to I think a nursing home(?)

I don't remember much, since my memory has a lot of issues and I tend to forget stuff easily.

It was next to a school, and the parking lot felt a bit off but I hadn't much else to complain about other than the fact I was forced to sit in a room where they played movies on a tv- at least I got to watch a few disney classics,

They asked a couple questions, I had to answer- I got laughed at by my own parents. My mom wouldn't take me seriously, and I was ready to burst into tears. (They eventually went home, but it didn't calm much down after that.)

I stayed for a few days. Don't rlly want to go into detail but I ended up going home worse than before. I'm not sure what exactly it was, but I just felt something inside me click after that trip that went from euphoric, to just plain awful.

I had to pretend I was okay(?)

I was going to school after that so I couldn't just start having mental breakdowns in class. The other kids would look at me funny, I was nowhere near ready to handle that.

I was even sent to an asylum for children once, long story short I came out with schizophrenia and had very physcotic visions and ideals.

I even couldn't say the word schizophrenia, out of the fear that "they" would attack me. I'm not sure if I still even have it, "they" haven't come back in awhile but I refuse to talk about them.

(Also pretty sure me having it was mentioned about last year?? someone was like "omg you are romantisizing" or something when really I was putting it into a Don't Starve oc for projection reasons, and to probably cope(?)

I don't exactly remember what was going through my mind at the time, and the fact that it even happened still feels quite hazy.))

We tried group meets. I ended up feeling socially anxious every visit and hit my nose on the table. Became an instigator/"family friend" for every kid there until the pressure of preforming got to me and I refused to show up for most visits.

But anyway, we've tried about every trick in the book. Therapy record? we've got YEARS worth of time spent trying to "fix me",

I was even forced to take pills- Which is why I now have a bad history with them, and HATE taking pills. They gross me out, I just feel so unclean with the idea of them and- well, never again.

Long story short, I ended up meeting this person and began feeling things I had never felt before- Calm, able to reason, able to be open minded, able to listen freely. I felt comfortable, welcomed.

Gonna be truthful on this one, I probably messed up a lot around them, but they tolerated me.

I feel kind of bad, knowing I might be the reason I one day meet my own downfall, but being around them sort of picks me up from the dirt and takes away my irrational thoughts like no therapy ever could. I'm just not sure how they'll take it long term, no matter how much I'm honest with them-

But..., That's all I'm comfortable sharing.

(Have a nice day!)

[adren0chr0me]

i dont know what im doing and i hope to god that no one reads this

i just want what is inside my head not to be inside my head a n y m o r e

it feels like im going to fukign explode and i can’t talk to anyone about bc im embarrassed that i let it get this bad again

im fuckign 20 rotations around this sun and i should know better

but still when things get the least bit bad i want to tear myself open and scream and rip apart my wrists like there really won’t be a tomorrow (if ive done it right)

i want to abuse my body - take any substance i can get my hands on and it doesnt make sense even to me but its like i want to be bad again like theres an inner part of me thats romantisizing how it felt to be 17 back when i was younger and bloody and how it felt poetic to be desructive. ? ? like back how i used to burn the pages of my old testament as if it was anything less than getting off on shock value and blatant disrespect

i want to be day drunk and i want my gums to bleed amd i want to spit that blood into the sink and look into the mirror and

fucking feel something

and its fucking stupid and i feel so immature

but i haven’t felt anything in 8 months and when i do

i want it to be visceral

and i want it to hurt. because i deserve it; i did this to myself. and it’s so easy to blame other people, but i can’t, not if i’m being honest with myself.

and im hoping shouting this out into the void will at least release some of the pressure built up in my head because i cant take it anymore.

i want this all to be over. if i have to live through one more F U C K I N G D A Y i am going to

lose. my. shit.

the days never fucking end and i just want it all to stop. i’ve never wanted to die this much in my life. and honestly, i really don’t know whats stopping me anymore. i can’t think of a single goddamn reason. in fact, i can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t end up being better off. im nothing. a burden. a pestilence. I don’t even want me around.

i have so much hate for this body i was put into

its mean and ugly its a fucking joke

it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously

and when i say it hurts so much just to BE

people brush it off and i laugh with them because it IS funny: a sack of flesh and bone aware of its own consciousness.. its nothing short of a miracle and all it wants is to die. its F U N N Y

oops is my disassociation showing

i want to hurt you

i want to shout and hit and pound my fists

ram my head into the wall and press my palms down on rusty nails

i want to stretch until my spine snaps and my teeth crack and blood pours out my my mouth and ears

i want to scream until the blood vessels in my eyes rupture

i want to be e v i s c e r a t e d

i want to drink bad vodka mixed with my blood and teeth until im too fucked to remember this body

i FUckINg feel like im 17 again and its STUPID. its childish and it’s embarrassing but right now all i want to fucking do is tear apart my wrists until veins fall out and i lose feeling. i want to cut the numbness out of me. pull my veins out through my arms and cease to exist.

fuck it

i quit