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emailed the therapist who i used to see in 2020-summer of 2021 to ask about maybe working together again and i have been obsessively checking my email for the past two days... please get back to me even if it's to say no i can't take the suspense
#i did kinda ghost her. like i missed a session with her right before i got hospitalized#and then just never responded when she tried to contact me#so i would get if she's like. this girl is flaky i can't do this again#or if she's just not accepting new patients#but she's lowkey one of the best therapists i've ever had i just... was not open to therapy and was not making progress with her#and i was just very very bitter at that time in my life#which i still kinda am.#but she was kinda woo woo which at the time i didn't always love#but it was also refreshing. and the therapist i just ended with was super by-the-book#'ERP is the only real treatment that works and you haven't gotten better because you've never really tried ERP'#and eventually i just got so sick of that. i was like i do not feel capable of doing ERP with ED stuff and he was like well too bad. can't#help you then#but tbh i need more support right now. i have my dietician who's great and my doctor who i can't get in to see#i just need more help it's going so bad#but i cannot do the whole thing of meeting a new therapist trying to trust them again. trusting mh professionals is uh. i can't do it.#and she already knows i'm gay which is important bc it's like. it's a problem for me. and i can't come out to anyone again right now#and we're really trying to avoid going back to monte nido bc if i have to do virtual PHP/IOP i will kill myself#and if i have to go back to res.... i like to think i'm not at that point yet but i may be and it will be a WHOLE thing#and i actually have a jewish life now and it's a huge motivation for me to recover but if i have to be IP/res then#i won't be able to do that.#plus they make you eat all kinds of weird things. you only get three exceptions how am i supposed to work with only 3 exceptions#i would end up having to eat oranges#and bananas#sigh#is it obvious that i'm kinda spinning out a little.
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