#but technically all the members have been on dropout at some point so it counts

[sourscratched]

thinking about the funny little fake emo band again

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22nd December 2019

It’s the special Christmas episode – or at least the climax of many – of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, where we discuss the UK Top 40 every week without fail, with a complete disregard for my deteriorating mental state. Let’s start with the top 10 and finish what is essentially season two of this show.

Top 10

I’m sure everyone knows the Christmas #1 by now. I’ll talk more about it later, I actually have a lot to say, it’s British YouTuber LadBaby’s “I Love Sausage Rolls”, debuting at #1 much like he did last year. I’ll elaborate in more detail once we reach the new arrivals section.

Steady at the runner-up spot is “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Burna Boy and Ed Sheeran, sadly pipped at the post even with the release of his sophomore album, Heavy is the Head.

At number-three, actually up one space this week, is “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi.

It replaces “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa, down one spot to number-four.

We have our first true Christmas song in the top five this year next, as “Last Christmas” by WHAM! is up two spaces to number-five. It isn’t the first time it’s reached the top five, or even its highest placement, but I think they’ll settle for top five this year.

At number-six, we have another debut, the second of three in the top 10, and first of two for Stormzy: “Audacity”, a pre-release single from Heavy is the Head, or “Audacitiy”, as the BBC’s page, in its typical fashion, misspells horribly. It features Headie One, becoming Headie’s highest-peaking song ever, tied with “18HUNNA” featuring Dave, and fifth UK Top 40, as well as second top 10 entry. It’s Stormzy’s 20th UK Top 40 hit and also his ninth entry into the top ten.

At number-seven, we have “ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas, down two spaces to number-seven.

Also down two spaces, surprisingly, is “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey, despite the release of a new music video. In reality, all of the top 10 has probably gained in performance, and Carey here was a victim of LadBaby and Stormzy.

We have Stormzy’s third and final debut here, “Lessons”, at number-nine, this time solo, which is his 21st UK Top 40 hit and his tenth entry into the top ten.

Finally, at #10, we have a nine-spot crash for “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I, hurt by streaming cuts that dumb UK chart rules implement, but also would have possibly cost LadBaby the Christmas #1, and at least his song is vaguely Christmassy, unlike “Dance Monkey”, which would have otherwise spent a consecutive twelfth week at #1 hadn’t it jumped down to #10.

Climbers

We have one non-Christmas climber this week, and it’s “Falling” by Trevor Daniel up nine spaces to #26.

Fallers

We don’t actually have many of these, either, though, but we do have a handful at the tail-end of the chart: “Heartless” by the Weeknd is definitely in freefall, down 13 spaces to #35, whilst “Don’t Rush” by Young T & Bugsey with Headie One curiously goes down seven spaces to #37 after going up seven spaces last week, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi crashes down 11 positions to #38, and “Netflix & Chill” by Fredo collapses down 12 spots to #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

As always with these Christmas weeks, we have quite a few drop-outs, yet very little returning entries. Streaming cuts have dragged out “Memories” by Maroon 5 out from #10 (Thank God), and brought out two other garbage top 20 hits with it: “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B from #13, and “Lose Control” by MEDUZA, Goodboys and Becky Hill from #18. Sadly, a pretty fantastic top 20 hit, Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” featuring Ariana Grande, is out too from #20. Also out from middling positions last week, #37 and #38 respectively, are “Down Like That” by KSI featuring Lil Baby, Rick Ross and S-X, and “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA, from the Frozen II soundtrack. Oh, yeah, and “Professor X” by Dave is out from #40.

In terms of returning entries, we only have one revolving around pretty depressing circumstances. The early death of 21-year-old emo-rapper Juice WRLD, one that we have seen a lot on this show, has propelled his song “Lucid Dreams” back to #27. For what it’s worth, the song has grown on me a lot since its release, and I’ve said my peace on the matter on Twitter. Rest in peace, Jared Higgins.

There is one returning entry and one drop-out that I’ve missed, but we’ll talk about them later.

IT’S CHIRSTMAS INNIT

First of all, the non-movers, climbers and fallers: If “River” by Ellie Goulding counts, it’s down three spots to #11, but otherwise... “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is at #14, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens is at #16, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid is up two to #17, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John is up six to #19, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is down one spot to #24, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis is up four to #25, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up three to #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard is up five to #29, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade is up five to #31, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee is at #32 and “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson is up six to #33.

We have one Christmassy returning entry, and that is the festive albeit creepy “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia back at #36. Combined with the Christmassy new arrival and the songs within the top 10, that means we have within 15 to 17 holiday songs on the “Christmas chart” (More on that later). So, basically, we’re 50% Christmas here on the UK Top 40... arguably, disputably, whatever. Here are the Album Bomb(s)?

ALBUM BOMB(S)?: Heavy is the Head by Stormzy and Fine Line by Harry Styles

This is a pretty awkward album bomb as I’ve already covered most things about Stormzy in the Top 10 section and it’s really disputable if Harry Styles had an album bomb but he had one debut and one re-entry as well as a faller, all from the same album, so I’m counting that as an album bomb. Rod Stewart, however, the damned fool, didn’t get an album bomb however he got the Christmas #1 on the albums chart, trumping both UK rapper and songwriter Stormzy at #2, and former One Direction member and current rockstar Harry Styles at #3.

I haven’t heard Heavy is the Head but I’m excited to check it out. I’m weary of its length, but some of the features seem intriguing. Its impact on this chart is weakened by both UK chart rules only allowing for three songs and the fact that, well, it’s Christmas, technically. That would also explain why Harry Styles’ “Lights Up” dropped out from #33 this week, as it was the single that performed the least, whilst “Watermelon Sugar” is back at #18 and “Adore You” has dropped off one spot from its debut, landing at #12 on this chart. Before we even get to exciting new music from Stormzy, let’s cover some weaksauce garbage from Harry Styles.

#39 – “Falling” – Harry Styles

Produced by Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson – Peaked at #62 in the US

Aw, do I have to? Well, I’ve already said how much I disliked Styles’ sophomore record and why, back on last episode (And the last paragraph) actually, so I don’t need to bring it up again. “Falling” is Styles’ fifth UK Top 40 hit, and the third best-performing song from the album; three is all allowed from one album on the UK Top 40. Styles had an actual album bomb on the Hot 100, and this one charted decently high there too. Also, fun fact: since Trevor Daniel is still here, this marks the first time in forever that two identically-named songs with entirely different lyrics and content (I.e., aren’t covers) have charted simultaneously. Somehow, and I dread to think, the Trevor Daniel song may be better. The pianos here are reverb-heavy and saturated so much to the point where I geta feeling of drab, moist dread, which is represented in the production overall, especially when Harry Styles belts and his vocals clip pretty heavily in the mix here. The lyrics are specific and do resonate to some extent, especially the self-referential and dare I say meta second verse, and I can’t exactly say Styles’ delivery is unconvincing, despite it reminding me too much of Lewis Capaldi than it probably should – you’re a much better singer than him or this, Harry. If the production wasn’t so shoddy and it wasn’t four plodding minutes, perhaps this gross, distorted excerpt of a power ballad wouldn’t be so excruciating, but alas, here we are. Good effort, I suppose.

#9 – “Lessons” – Stormzy

Produced by Ed Thomas

I have no idea what to expect. It’s the penultimate track on the album and it’s produced by some guy I don’t know. I haven’t been this clueless about a song before hearing it on this show in months, but it’s actually pretty high here because of how it touches upon Stormzy’s personal life, specifically his relationship with television presenter Maya Jama... and I really want to like this. The song is honest and soulful, with Stormzy admitting his faults in the relationship multiple times, and I enjoy the theme of childhood that he toys around with in the verses, but it’s really vague to exactly how he “disrespected” her, and I’m not asking for a vent that details his entire relationship with Jama but it feels somewhat insincere if the closest you get to a specific memory is either having candles lit up, which is overwhelmingly common, and pacing around the kitchen after a fight, “like this s**t is foul”. Some of these rhymes are also pretty painful. Rhyming “Maya” with “Maya”, and then, “fire” with “desire”? Come on, man, you’re better than that, and there is a lack of internal rhymes or even a comprehensive flow to the whole thing. I do like the vintage R&B beat with some very 90s keys sprinkled through the fake finger-snaps, and the blocky percussion is pretty smooth, albeit too stiff to make the chorus work at all, as it’s just really odd, aimless, multi-tracked rambling, with really half-hearted singing vocals from Stormzy. I don’t know, I really want to like this, but the content is overly vague, the production is dull and uninteresting, and the performance is just the same, as he sounds like he hasn’t slept in days. Maybe that’s the point? Probably, but it doesn’t make this song any more endearing. Sorry, I really wanted to like this, so a half-decent single here sounds like the biggest disappointment, but it’s just passable at best, really.

#6 – “Audacity” – Stormzy featuring Headie One

Produced by Fraser T. Smith

This is the banger of the record, with an up-and-coming UK drill rapper, that would burst onto the chart with a wham... whilst also being right next to WHAM!, but that’s a coincidence. T. Smith is on the boards, Stormzy and Headie One are on the mic, and they sound hungry. Any time Stormzy starts off a track with that trailing “It’s like...” ad-lib, I know it’s going to be ferocious, and this is what this track is. Over looming 808 bass and crawling synths, Stormzy is losing his breath, rasping through his bars because of his insistency to do an angered one-take, like a madman, and it sounds angry and really violent. I’m genuinely kind of scared, it kind of works like Bobby Schmurda’s “Hot Boy” because its purpose is to paint such a vivid picture of gang violence that it gives you goosebumps. Stormzy is talking about inexperienced rappers dissing him... and in the first verse, he goes into detail about why he wants to kill this man, in an oddly calm demeanour before he starts losing it once he starts talking about how he’s going to “skeng-fry his dome”, even accepting the gunsmoke (Both literally and figuratively) that this person tries to use to intimidate Stormzy as just weed smoke, which sounds a lot more savage than I made it sound. Headie One is more melodic on this mix of nasty grime synths and UK drill bass beats, but his more casual delivery really makes the pretty funny bars somewhat intoxicating, especially when he says, “Knowledge is power, ask Gandhi”, which is just hilariously nonsensical... but it’s still not great. It runs way too long at four minutes, and feels pretty repetitive and like a drone by the end, especially due to lack of a true climax. Also the beat just fades out and leaves Stormzy’s isolated vocal, which is abruptly cut off by the end too, so that just sounds awkward. I wish I liked this more, but it sounds more like a weak “Wiley Flow” than the anthemic “Vossi Bop” or the pounding “Sounds of the Skeng”. I still like it, though, it’s just a fair bit duller than Stormzy’s usual offerings in this trap banger lane. Speaking of that, I listened to “Big Michael” out of curiosity and that was freaking amazing, so why didn’t that chart instead of these comparatively mediocre offerings?

One week, it’s “Blinded by Your Grace” / Next week, it’s bang you in your face!

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 –“Happy Christmas (War is Over)” – John Legend

I have no production or chart data for this one, because, guess what? It’s another Christmassy cover song released by an aging and increasingly irrelevant pop star exclusively on platforms that provide more sales and hence boost its false chart placement. I’m glad this is only a holiday thing because it’d drive me up the wall if this was done often. Legend released his Christmas album in 2018, called A Legendary Christmas, and it included many covers, including the infamous “woke” “Baby it’s Cold Outside” rendition with Kelly Clarkson on the 2019 deluxe edition. Of course, this song’s not on said deluxe edition for whatever reason... he really couldn’t just cover a nice old Christmas song, he had to do the controversial songs, huh? The whole album is really disposable garbage filled with novelty and commercialised merriment. I used to really like this guy but he is far beyond receiving my best wishes at this point in his career. Uh, the original song is a hot mess as well. Let’s just get to the meat and potatoes, no pun intended.

#1 – “I Love Sausage Rolls” – LadBaby

Produced by LadBaby

No, not DaBaby. LadBaby. Okay, so, first of all, this potentially isn’t the true “Christmas #1”, as after all, this chart was released before Christmas Day and doesn’t count sales that were made on December 25th, although the press seems to have accepted this as the Christmas #1, and have highly publicised it as such, so I’m allowing it, even though I guess you could dispute that. Second of all, LadBaby is a YouTuber who makes comedy videos or vlogs or something? I don’t know, I don’t pay attention. The video for this that they showed on Top of the Pops (Yes, this was aired on Top of the Pops) had his family in, all wearing sausage roll outfits, so maybe he’s a family vlogger? Speaking of those outfits, the same family is featured on the cover, which is a parody of the famous Abbey Road album cover by the Beatles. Not only is that not a Christmas album but it equally doesn’t work because this is a parody of a Joan Jett song, “I Love Rock and Roll”. Finally, LadBaby got to the top before with “We Built This City” in 2018, a parody of the Starship song with the exact same punchline as this one. Bottom line, this is just a novelty song with a dumb punchline and pretty terrible production, because as with all YouTube songs, it sounds cheap and very royalty-free. These guys can’t sing, especially not LadBaby himself, but it really doesn’t matter because we’re not supposed to actually listen to this. We’re supposed to listen once and have a chuckle, and move on, but sadly, this isn’t even funny enough for me to snigger. I’m not a fan, and if Tones and I’s song hadn’t crashed as hard as it did thanks to dumb UK chart rules, LadBaby would be even less liable to stick the landing next year, and I really hope he doesn’t.

Conclusion

On principle, I feel like giving a tied Worst of the Week to John Legend for his annoying exclusivity and really garbage album that “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” is connected to, alongside LadBaby, for hitting the #1 spot with a cheap novelty song in “I Love Sausage Rolls”, which is a joke he’s done before, instead of Stormzy or, you know, an actual Christmas song. In reality, I haven’t heard the John Legend song and I don’t even want to, and the LadBaby song isn’t really worth getting angry about. The Best of the Week is just as hard to pick due to the sheer lack of quality on display here, but I’ll give it to Stormzy and Headie One for “Audacity”, I guess.

I hope you guys enjoyed this second season of REVIEWING THE CHARTS – I know it was a rocky one, but we got there in the end. I can’t really say happy holidays because I’m a day or two late from Christmas but I’ll definitely say thank you for reading this past year. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week – but that’ll be next season, and possibly next year.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

[cheetagon]

Another 100 questions thingy

1.Sunrise or sunset?  Both are fucking pretty

2.Are you mentally ill? Per definition, I am

3.Are you physically ill?  Not that I know of?

4.What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Probably my current computer

5.Do you have a job?  NO IT'S FINE, RUB IT IN

6.Are you in school?  NOPE HAHA

7.Are you a dropout?  More or less?  I mean I've been to school for 10 years an graduated properly, but I was offered the chance to try my hands at the A-Levels so I did but couldn't even keep going past the first 6 months due to depression

8.Are you in college?  Used to

9.Introvert or extrovert?  Introvert

10.What do you think when you look at your body?   Ugh, disgusting.

11.What have others said when they look at your body?   Depends on who was looking at it.

12.Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?   I need Love by Akira Yamaoka/Mary Elizabeth McGlynn

13.Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?   Early 2012, I think it was. I don't know why or how it happened, but a series of days in a row I'd just get up in the morning and feel super good, for my standarts anyway.

14.Are you confident wearing a bikini?   Not entirely. I can wear the tops but usually wear bathing trunks to cover up my upper legs

15.Can you look people in the eyes while talking?   Not particularily well... But I've been getting better.

16.Has anything terrible happened to you?   Do you mean my life

17.Has anything wonderful happened to you?   My friends <3 And my kitty

18.Favorite part of your personality?   I'm snarky and sarcastic as fuck

19.Least favorite part of your personality?   Everything else

20.Favorite part of your body?   My hair

21.Least favorite part of your body?   Everything else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

22.Favorite quote?   "Decide to be fine till the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you’re alive and that’s your job. Then do it again the next week. I call it being professional. Do it right, with a smile, or don’t do it." ~Frank Devereaux

23.Do you have friendships with all genders?   Dude the gender spectrum on its own is nearly infinite so don't even go there

24.Do you have a good relationship with your father?   I guess

25.Do you have a good relationship with your mother?   I guess

26.Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?   As good as it can get :')

27.Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?   Physically? Nah. Mentally? You betcha!

28.Have you ever had a near death experience?   ....I think. One time I went roller skating and let's just say I didn't pay much attention to what I was doing.

29.Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?   Technically, but I hardly remember anything about that person except that he was our landlord. And when he killed himself I was only 5 or 6 so, yeah.

30.Have you ever tried to take your own life?   -

31.Biggest lie you have told?   I told my mum I was out with my friend when I was actually out with my boyfriend, OOOOOO SNAP. I don't usually lie tho so I think that was the biggest one I ever dropped that wasn't an emergency lie. :U

32.Do you follow any conspiracies?   Conspiracies are interesting, but I don't follow any actively.

33.Do you believe in a New World Order?   shrugs

34.Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?   I think. I mean I couldn't do it any better if I was in charge, so lmao

35.Is there currently any strife in your country?   Don't think so??

36.Have you ever been displaced within your country?   No??

37.Are your friendships healthy?   Most of them are, yes. The ones that matter, anyway. <3

38.Are you currently fighting with a friend?   Nope!

39.Are you jealous of a friend? Why?   I am on a constant basis, but that's because I'm jelous of nearly everyone for one thing or another lmao

40.Do you believe in the Illuminati?   The Illuminati did infact exist. If you do mean the conspiracy Illuminati-Run-The-Government however, then no. (Everyone knows it's the Patriots who run everything anyway 👀)

41.Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?   See above

42.How can people tell you are nervous?   Not speaking much, tense face, intense gripping on stuff or keeping hands occupied, FOOT TAPPING

43.How can people tell you are sad?   I try my best not to show it, sooo better ask others

44.Do you ever express your true feelings?   To my friends, I do.

45.Regrets in your life?   Sure, a lot. But none I could name specificaly on the top of my head right now.

46.Achievements in your life?   *looking around nervously*

47.What did people say about you in school?   lmao fucking loser

48.What did you say about people in school?   Flithy peasants I hope all of you die in a fire you set off yourself

49.Is there something you have never told anyone?   Oh there are quite some things

50.Have you committed an illegal act?   What are you a cop or something

51.If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?   Probably invite my friends to go on a shopping spree and give parts of it to my parents so they can pay off their dept

52.What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?   Age 5: I'll be an artist!   Age 10: I'll buy a shop to sell Sonic Merch in there! (go ahead, laugh at me)   Age 15: I'll be a famous person!   Age 18: I'll be in a fulfilling relationship some day!

53.Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?   My bf didn't know how to kiss AT. ALL. Needless to say it was awful.

54.Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?   Average I guess, tho my dad always went out of his way to afford gifts for me.

55.Are you from a broken marriage?   Nope!

56.Have you been raised by a solo parent?   Nope!

57.Do you know both your parents?   Yup

58.What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?   Eyes: Green/Grey   Hair: Black/Red   Skin: The Whitest™

59.Have you abused drugs or alcohol?   Nope, done my best in the past 25 years to avoid any contact!

60.What languages can you speak?   English and German fluent, basic Italian and Spanish.

61.Do you conform to your societies standards?   ahahahahahahahahahahaha

62.Do you cry often?   I WANT to cry often.

63.Do you tell people what you think of them?   Depends on the person.

64.Are you comfortable accepting compliments?   Absolutely not, I am the worst when it comes to those.

65.Are you comfortable giving compliments?   Yes. TAKE MY LOVE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

66.Is any mental illness hindering your life?   Is the sky blue?

67.Is any physical illness hindering your life?   I have super super SUPER. Shaky muscles, the more precise the work I need to do, the more likely it is for me to fuck it up because WHOOPS one of my arm muscles decided contract instead of just standing still.

68.Do you keep up with current events?   I guess?

69.What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?   Trump insisting he is being treated unfairly lmao

70.What have you done today?   :')

71.Do you sleep well?   At the moment I do, thank god.

72.Do you sleep badly?   What even

73.Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?   Yes.

74.Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?   Yes.

75.Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?   Not in the regular sense. I just stopped talking to or meeting that person and we grew apart.

76.Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?   Don't think so

77.Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?   Nope

78.Do you like your laugh?   Got the diabolic laugh down quiite well at this point, so yeah, sometimes.

79.Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?   Hoarding Bottlecaps 👀

80.Do you have any funny family stories?   My mum walked straight into a glass door once and my dad took a picture of it at the exact moment lmao

81.Are you religious?   Not really, no. Tho I do like religion itself.

82.Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?   If they're well executed, sure, why not.

83.Are you interested in cults?   Depends on the cult, but usually not

84.Would you like to raise a family in your country?   Since my country is pretty cool about pets, yeah sure why not 85.List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?   Those stupid shoes that light up when you walk   Super Soaker water pistols   Slot Car Racing Track   A certain type of body wash because the bottles were FUCKING FIGURINES AND THEY LOOKED SO PRETTY I REALLY REALLY WANTED THEM   Animal Action Figures with joints that would bent properly   A shitload of computer games that didn't run on a Mac, which is what I grew up with

86.Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?   Define large, I don't think 3 years is that much

87.Are you from a blended family?   I don't think so?

88.Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?   Shrugs

89.What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?   "Since you don't have a patreon I'm just going to give you a 5€ pizza tip on paypal every month from now"

90.Do you keep a journal?   Nope.

91.Would anyone be hurt by reading it?   -

92.Do you have children?   Do Fur-Babies count?

93.Have you been pregnant?   Heck no

94.List your favorite movies?   Silent Hill and Scott Pilgrim vs. the world

95.List your favorite people?   My friends <3

96.Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?   I have a SHIT ton of birthmarks on my body and a few scars here an there. The most visible ones can be explained with one word: CAT.

97.Do you look after yourself?   Shrugs

98.Do you put yourself or others first?   Others. Always.

99.Are you happy today?   Eh.

100.Are you loved?    I think?