#but we knew we werent fucking or dating each other and the expectation was ''cuddle and share funnies'' and that was it

[rubythecrimsonwriter]

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[peacedolantwins]

Clean (E.D.) Part 4

A/N: I know its been a while since I’ve last updated this I’m so sorry, but hopefully the next one wont take as long, I’m already working on it. so heres part 4, hope you enjoy! :) part 3

After your talk with James, you had texted Ethan and met up with him a few days later. You two got to talking and after some apologizing on both sides, you for overreacting and not hearing him out and him for saying what he did and how he treated you in the car.

That was three months ago. Thats also how you found yourself on the twins couch with Ethan's arm slung around you as he still slept. Everyone had decided to have a sleepover at their house and everyone was around the room in different areas. James was on the other couch across from Grayson while Emma and Ian were laid out across the floor in piles of blankets and pillows they must have stolen from the boys’ room.

While it may have seemed like you two were moving quick, it didn't feel it. You and Ethan just seemed to click right away and everyone was able to see it. He was more open when you were around and he smiled so much more. You were finally doing better than you ever were because he showed you how to have fun just living and doing little things. It felt amazing that he brought back your ability to feel childish which was something you thought you lost a long time ago.

Gently moving his arm off of you, you got up and headed outside. Your feet covered in fuzzy socks to keep warm softly pattered the wood floor as you quietly opened the glass sliding door not wanting to wake up anyone else. The sun was barely beginning to rise and it was always so beautiful and you had to take advantage of the view the boys had from their backyard.

You winced when the door made a loud click as you shut it, hoping no one else heard it. Looking through the glass, no one seemed bothered so you went and sat down next to the pool, pulling your legs up to your chest. Just breathing in the chilled air always calmed you down but at the same time, you hid your arms back in the hoodie you stole from Ethan to keep warm. You thought about how much your life has changed and you couldnt be happier for it.

So consumed in your thoughts, you didnt hear the door shut again and it wasnt until someone was next to you wrapping half the blanket around you did you realize someone else was here.

“Morning, kitty” James leaned over and pulled you into his side.

“Morning. Sorry if I woke you up, I didnt mean to,” you apologized and leaned into him, really glad for the warmth he was providing. While LA never really got too cold, that didnt mean it was always completely warm.

You two sat there in silence just appreciating each others presence. As your best friend, James could tell there was something on your mind.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Hm? Oh, no.. I just… I'm really happy about where I'm at right now. With you and Ian… I cant say thank you enough for still letting me stay with you after everything. And with Ethan too, I really like him and I'm so happy you brought him, well both of them into my life but I-” you stopped, not really sure if you wanted to get into this so early in the day.

“I'm scared.” While James wasnt sure what you were going to say, that wasnt it.

“Scared?”

“Im scared that if I tell them about before they'll leave.” You said it so quietly James wasnt sure if he heard you correctly.

“Y/N… why would you think either one of them would leave?”  

“Are you really asking why? You've heard them and what they say. They dont hang around with “people like that,” and I happen to be one of those people. Theyve even said it in videos how they dont like it. And thats okay that they dont but I just-” you took a breath in and looked away from James.

“I dont want either of them to see me as that. I dont want them to look at me the way everyone back home looked at me. You wouldnt even talk to me for a few weeks when you found out and you're my best friend but I get it.”

“Y/N, I'm going to stop you right there. Hun, I am so sorry I wasnt there for you during everything and I'm so sorry I didnt talk to you when you needed me or just about anyone.” He turned to face you and held you at arms length to look at you properly.

“I was so embarrassed and ashamed when you found out and I am so scared of what either of them will say if they find out. I know it'll only get worse the longer I keep it hidden away but I dont wanna ruin anything and I dont want to lose Ethan- oh god what do I even say to him? ‘Hi, really quick just wanted to let you know youre dating an alcoholic that also has videos and photos of her naked and doing god knows what else out there’?” You knew how they boys felt about drinking and partying and just the thought of either of them finding out terrified you.

“If you dont want to tell them, thats okay. Me and Ian wont say anything to them.” He tried to comfort you after seeing how worked up you were getting.

“But I dont want to have to hide it. I fucked up in the past and I know that. Im dealing with it. These past few months have been exhausting trying to cover everything up. Im tired of having to come up with lies about where I go twice a week a night for meetings. I dont like seeing you or Ian getting asked all the time why you take my money and ID when I'm upset and leave the house. I dont want to ever have to deal with what would happen if Ethan saw my phone and saw me calling my sponsor and thinking I'm talking to some other guy. Everything is so good between us and I dont want to mess that up but not saying anything could also ruin everything and I dont know what to do.” You wiped away the few tears that fell with the sleeves you- his hoodie and fell into James's arms.

He held you and patted your hair while you got your breathing under control and once you were doing better, he peeled you off of him.

“Listen, if and when you feel ready to tell them, I'll still be here for you. Ian and I arent going anywhere. If you want, we can be there with you when you tell them, okay? I know you're older than me but you're still our little sister and were not going to let anything bad happen if we can help it.” You nodded your head in his chest and turned back to face the sunrise. While your morning may have just got a lot more emotional than you were planning, you were still going to appreciate the little things you still had.

You heard the glass door open and shut behind you, but you didnt bother turning around, assuming it was probably Grayson since he was always up early.

When someone plopped down next you, you werent expecting them to pull you from James and tuck themselves under your am and end up basically laying on you. Looking down you found Ethan cuddling into you and pressing his head into your chest.

“Found you,” he pulled hard on the blanket to take it away from James to which he let out an “excuse me” at that made you laugh as Ethan threw the blanket over the two of you. Knowing he wasnt a morning person, James left it alone probably for the better considering how close you all were to the pool.

“C'mon, lets go back in,” You patted his back and tried to sit up but his weight kept you down.

“Ethan, lets go back inside and we can cuddle on the couch okay?” After a very long and over dramatic sigh, he finally got up and pulled you up with him. He started walking in, taking the blanket with him and left you and James still outside. After helping your friend up, he turned to you.

“Sweetheart, that boy is all over you and does anything you ask. He’s never up before noon but he got up because you werent next to him. There's no way he's going to leave if you tell him.” You both walked over to the doors and watched as Ethan stole another blanket off the ground and threw himself down on the couch.

“I really hope you're right,” You smiled at James before heading back in to join your boyfriend in a much needed cuddle session.

[thataspdfeel]

i really hope this isnt too intrusive but i was wondering if you have any tips on keeping up a good relationship/friendship as someone with aspd? ive gone through so many friends and partners over the years and i always end up alone like i am right now and im honestly lonely and my therapist doesnt really understand because he just said its for the best because abusive behaviour is common w aspd which made me scream and i dont know anyone who actually has aspd either :/

long answer so under a cut

ive kept this in the inbox and stared at it over and over again because of that fucking last bit like

fuck your therapist like deck him in the face. aspd etc people arent inherently fucking abusive thats not how that works. we have a really hard time connecting with people due to low empathy and have low tolerance for bullshit at least imo

oh also dont worry i dont find many things too intrusive. frankly, if anybody wanted to know how to keep a sex life nice, id answer that shit. like i have 0 concept of too intrusive lmao

also if youre lonely id honestly start out with a pet or two. that sounds really weird but if you get used to some asshole who cant communicate living with you, you start to tolerate others more. plus less lonely so win-win

THIS IS GOING TO SOUND HELLISHLY BIZARRE BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS: try dating sim games. this isnt to make you less lonely but to help you get better at communicating with others. like this is an actual scientifically studied thing. i cant remember where i found this out cause my memory is bullshit but hubs pointed me to it. its how he managed to keep my attention for so long. he knew how to properly engage with me and keep my interest through practice via dating sims. and when things are stale, he goes back to the dating sim textbook. like brings me flowers or goes back to wooing me AND IT WORKS

thats not to say his feelings arent genuine cause they absolutely are. these dating games just let him interact with me romantically easier for him. especially because hes like the human embodiment of golden retriever puppy with sunshine out its ass and he can EASILY come across as waaaaaay too much and these sims taught him how to tone himself down. whereas for people like us, theyd help us to play ourselves up so to speak. or just generally interact with partners easier

now if actual interaction isnt your problem, that you make friends or get partners easily but have a hard time with the maintenance, now thats a different problem and requires a different solution

first, find people you find interesting. it's so much easier to pretend to give a shit about people when you find them interesting because you actually listen to them when they talk to you. and this sounds like bullshit like ugh why do i have to pretend. well you do. you have to with everybody until you make a connection. the key is to find somebody interesting you dont mind listening to

make sure they dont mind listening to you either or they at least pretend to this is because relationships whether romantic or otherwise all rely on communication and listening to each others problems. ive had a few "friends" who expected all kinds of emotional labor from me but would turn tail or come up with excuses if i needed them. those arent friends tbh. those are leeches and dont keep those people around. also dont be one of those people cause emotional labor should go both ways

communicate. communicate. COMMUNICATE!!! ALWAYS!!! EVEN IF ITS PAINFUL!!! even if opening up is the last goddamn thing you want to do. in order to connect with people and to keep connection alive, you need to open yourself up and be vulnerable. and it can suck! it really can! but you dont have to cut yourself open just for a connection. basically share what youre comfortable with at first

later, once youve established honesty (and honesty is the key here) later, if youve got an issue with them? you can bring it up and be like hey it bothers me that you leave your socks everywhere. or i hate that you seem to only need me when your mom is being shitty. this lets them confront you too about things that make them uncomfortable. and, yknow, change when they mention something (so long as its not ridiculous like you drink too much coke or i hate that you have blue eyes)

AND ON THE HONESTY THING be honest about your dishonesty. what that means is letting the other person know you lie if youre a chronic liar like me. you have to be like ok so i lie a lot and usually its about stupid stuff and heres how you can tell. anybody who gives an actual shit about you will be like oh ok thats irritating but ok. just dont EVER EVER lie about big shit EVER like cheating or something like that (i mean dont cheat in the first place but you get my point) 

ive had like an empty bag of chips in my hand and hubs will be like "did you eat the chips" and i'll be like "no?" and it kinda goes back and forth like "i see the bag in your hand right there!" "no you dont" until about half an hour or so later im like "sorry i lied about the chips" and hes like oh its fine i get it. but he knows that while id lie about that or brushing my hair, etc i wont lie about if i took my meds or not etc etc. like be honest about your dishonesty dont hide it or itll create problems for later

let the other person know when you need space. because we all need space at some time or another. be like hey imma need to flake for like a day or so my life is a clusterfuck and i need some time to myself. or, like with one of my partners, im like do you mind if i just chill in the other room with video games/books/netflix/whatever for roughly x amount of time. i let them know its not them (even if it sometimes is at which point, i do let them know later what the problem was) and that i just need to be by myself. and yknow what? its made us all so fucking close when we've told each other when we need space

be honest about needing connection too. sometimes your life just goes all to hell and you need a cuddle buddy or somebody to go to coffee with. its scary making yourself so vulnerable and admitting that but honestly? the payoff is awesome because you have somebody there for you who will hold you through those times. and if they wont? walk the other way

and if it werent already clear, YOU HAVE TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL EFFORT because its not fun to be on anything one-sided. you dont have to magically develop empathy or wanting to be around people 24/7. you just have to make the same effort you expect with others

anyway those are the basics to making things work imo. IF NONE OF THIS IS HELPFUL or not the case for how to make things work for you, message again with specifics and i’ll do my best on the advice thing. just your ask was kind of broad so i answered it broadly

i hope this helps!!

[ihavea-lottosay-blog]

I have a lot to say. Things i need to get off my chest, just talk about, and somethings that are just me being critical of other people. This blog is going to have a lot of spelling, grammar, and life mistakes so bare with me if you read it and dont expect me to post everyday. I’m literally talking to this thing like its a person and no one follows it so thats a good start! Oh well, crazy is also included. Heres the shit ill start off with...

I am 20 years old turning 21 soon (woo!) a college art student and  a photographer. Basic shit, almost looks like a tinder bio i know. I guess the first big life event that comes to mind with me is dating the wrong guy. I know i couldnt be more boring or cliche but its really whats got me fucked up and this wont be the only story you hear about him. I spent 2 years with this kid in high school and half my freshman year in college. He is the exact manipulative, phsycho, cheating boyfriend every main character has. His name is Manny. Now thankfully an ex but there was a time i thought forever was possible; not sure why though, he wasn’t attractive or smart, and although he was kind and funny sometimes he quickly killed it with something he did wrong. Example: He was my best friend for years and it took me 3 weeks into us dating to figure out i was in love with him, that same night his ex told me he cheated on me with her. case. in point. Now he did have those shining heroic moments that made me feel like he was just misunderstood. Onetime our friend screwed us out of a place to sleep at a music festival and my sister and i were trapped outside a nearby church in the rain in the middle of nowhere with both our phones dying. He insisted he would come pick us up and bring us home. But overall he’s a down right douche that fucked up my ways of thinking. Its been 2 years since we’ve been broken up (i broke up with him cause i found out he had an entire relationship with his ex and me at the same time, yeah she knew about it and didnt care,  all while still banging sluts behind both of our backs) and he stalked me for a year and a half of the break up. He harassed me online mostly but a couple months ago he showed up drunk to my apartment at school which ive never given him the address to (he got it from a friend that knows my scummy roommate) and yelled at me how much he loves me and all this other shit that i honestly laughed at. I now have a restraining order against him so i doubt any other stories i tell about him are going to be recent unless i heard something from someone else but all the past stories i will probably tell have to do with my current feelings. 

In this case I can honestly say Manny fucked up the idea of love for me. He was my first real boyfriend, first love, and first time. I dont know if its possible to have a love like your first again but i hope i dont and do all at the same time. I hope i can love someone as deeply as i loved him but i hope i dont loose myself or my self respect for love. i hope i find at least some kind of love out there again. ive dated a little before him and had one boyfriend after that i honestly dated out of loneliness and because he was the exact opposite of manny. But i’ve never even liked any of my boyfriends that much they were just there. I pretty much became a whore after him. I fucked 17 guys in 2 years of being single. This one guy this summer though made me start to think that its possible to fall in love again. Doug and i went to our friends lake house together. I guess the first night i got so drunk i forgot but i was told we were making out in front of everyone. we grew closer that trip and the second time we went north to the lake house its almost like we were in a mini relationship up there. We were always together, cuddling on the couch or sitting next to each other, and sneaking off to make out. We became the butt of the joke for the trip cause our friends teased us about dating. After we came home things were so different. I was traveling a lot so seeing each other was impossible but we always snuck the word date into conversation. But i guess his friends weirded him out about our 5 year age difference and he heard rumors about me that werent true and felt weird about getting attached cause i’d be heading back to school soon (i live 2 hours away). But finally we found a day to play frisbee golf together (he plays a lot and i never had so he wanted to take me) and he was distant and weird so i got the hint about being just friends.  But then after that he kept snapping me and texting me first and then we were gonna hang out another day and he pretty much treated me like a booty call so newly entitled me decided to rip him apart for treating me like that. I regret some of it cause i was drunk and i just wanted him to like me but  fucked it up for good after that. 

Pretty much i dont know if ill find someone soon, or close, its not that i wont find someone because i can (not to sound conceded) i think im attractive and i could lower my standards a bunch to just be with someone but i’ve done that in every relationship ive had. I’ve always dated down in appearance, personality, education, etc. I dont want to anymore. I want to find someone im at level with and obsessed with and everything i deserve after the mountains of crap ive shoveled through. I’m lonely but i dont want just anyone anymore.

I told you i have a lot to say.