#but we know ourselves and have started packing some nonessentials

[invisible-goats]

packing is hard

[eallisnwndrlnd]

A Year Like No Other

Well this year certainly made quite an impact in history where no matter where one lived in the world, there was no way they were not affected by one if not many surprises 2020 decided throw our way.

I, like many, saw 2020 as a fresh start. A reset button for a new decade.

But alas, 2020 had other plans.

To annihilate all ours.

My plan, after a year of finalizing documents after graduation and marking off moving checklists, was to have us moved back to my hometown of Los Angeles, California.

We delayed the flight to May rather than February due to the sudden eruption of the Taal volcano. We were holed up in our house due to air quality and forced to wear masks to protect ourselves as travel was limited and flights were canceled for weeks.

All the while, knowledge of an unknown virus was already impacting China. We knew it was only a matter of time before it would reach us and the rest of the world. Little did we know how much wreckage Covid19 would leave in its wake as it traveled to every country and wreaked havoc across the world. It disturbed our normal lives. The way we lived daily was forever changed. Some more than others as people lost jobs, homes, family and friends to this pandemic.

As Covid19 barely rose to the forefront of a world crisis, my mother and I were packing for our move back stateside by May. I was aware of the seriousness of the virus in January as Taiwan and other Asian countries prepared for a possible repeat of the the last SARs outbreak. As the travel limits that stemmed from Taal died away and the alert level was lowered, we retained our mask wearing as we moved about metro Manila and back to Batangas.

Eventually Philippines began to see its first cases of Covid19 in February. The number of cases slowly increased but not quite as widespread as how it tore through my home country, the U.S. I watched the news, frustrated, horrified and embarrassed at how poorly my country decided to handle the virus.

By March 15, the Philippines was in full lockdown under level ECQ which stood for Enhanced Community Quarantine. Many strict guidelines went into place to mitigate the growing cases and death toll. Travel bans and limits were given for domestic and foreign travel. Travel within provinces and cities were limited to essential workers only. Transportation was completely shuttered from tricycles, jeepneys, buses, ferries, trains, etc, making commute for essential workers a daily nightmare. Nonessential businesses, schools and churches were forced to shut down for the time being. The only businesses allowed to continue were government offices at limited capacity, grocery stores and pharmacies, as well as wet markets but also limited capacity. Only those between the ages of 21 to 61 were allowed to leave their house. (This led to having a very cranky mother for over two months straight)

To enter any place of business people were expected to wear a face mask at all times. A guideline that difficult for some in the beginning only due to a shortage of face masks that stemmed from the Taal eruption and when the Philippines initially sent their supply to China in the beginning of the pandemic. About a few weeks later the masks were expected to be worn as soon as one left their house with a hefty fine of P5,000 ($100) if caught without one or a punishment of 6 months in prison. At entrances every person was checked for their temperature. As cases climbed and hospitals were heavily burdened, the guidelines became stricter by enforcing a quarantine pass that was given to each household where only one member of the household that met the age restrictions, was allowed to go out for only essentials. (This role of course went to me) For about two months we were assigned only one day out of the week we were allowed to go out for shopping for what we needed. (I was assigned Tuesdays.) If anyone was caught without their quarantine pass or going out on a different day they were assigned they risked the same punishment as not wearing a mask. (This meant heavy lifting of groceries and multiple trips in one day whilst walking for 5-13 miles on a given day.) After a while our province along with other provinces met the requirements to downgrade our ECQ to Modified ECQ, then to GCQ (which level we currently are still in since June or July) The quarantine pass was changed to being needed only during the week to not needed at all. (Although I still carry it just in case due to guidelines changing every two weeks or so.) Under GCQ, all businesses were allowed to open but with strict enforcement of guidelines and social distancing with restaurants at 50% capacity. Most businesses and all transportation require wearing full face shields aside from face masks. (This becomes a frustrating addition when my shield starts to fog and I can't freaking see) Schools have remained shuttered and gone remote. Movie theaters have yet to open at least that I'm aware of. Places of worship have opened at very limited capacity but have been shuttered again from time to time. Liquor bans were given during multiple periods of the pandemic.

Eventually our flight was canceled in May. Even if it hadn't been we would have canceled it ourselves since travel between cities and provinces were limited to essential personnel only for around two months and more in other areas. As well as the fact that by that time, U.S. was the most negatively affected with growing cases and deaths with many people becoming difficult tempermental raging toddlers in defying guidelines and refusing to wear a mask. We just did not feel it was safe to go back home any time soon. So here we are still where we were last year with only a non definite plan to move back stateside set in April. I hesitate to say that with any confidence whatsoever.

This year was a year of losses for many. So many of my friends and family have lost someone they knew and were dear to them. My dad's brother, uncle Rick, passed away mid year. I lost my nearly four year old cat, my fur baby, Gandalf "the Grey Whitewalker" only a month ago.

Every time I walk to the backyard to our outhouse, I am constantly reminded of him following me and keeping me company. Every time I look at my window near my bed, I remember him meowing at me to feed him. And every time I look out the front window, I see his little grave marker in our yard. He was my first real pet out of multiple fishes, a hamster, a duck, chickens, a mouse, and a turtle that I had the longest and the only pet I had in my adult years. I didn't realize how hard his loss was going to hit me until it did. The idea of him moving on to furry heaven left me very little to no comfort as I am not a person of faith. I just had to tell myself that it was his time to go and that I was blessed with the time that allowed him to be with me as my furry friend, companion, and confidant who followed my every move and meowed mama (as I taught him) when he wanted something. I will miss Gandalf very much.

With the pandemic holding its place as the suckiest thing to happen this year (...this century), other memorable events happened that held significant importance here and around the world.

Aside from the Taal eruption in January, Philippines was met with natural disasters one after another from multiple earthquakes to an onslaught of disastrous typhoons. Just recently on the morning of Christmas day, my province was hit with a 6.3 magnitude earthquake. Thankfully it didn't cause any damages in our immediate area.

Other disasters hitting other countries and multiple wildfires that took a major toll on my homestate. One fire in particular that threatened the home of my dad, step mom and where my sister was living, drew my attention for weeks. Thankfully them, the house and their area remained safe.

As political issues arose here which created tension and conflict, so did it in the U.S. and other countries.

Since I follow multiple global news media outlets, I was kept abreast of the increasing issues in not only my home country but many others. Some mirroring what was occurring in the states like police brutality, riots, authoritarian tendencies among its leaders.

I awaited with bated breath for the U.S. elections results along with much of the world.

At least for that moment, I, like many others, allowed a heavy sigh of relief when the final result was announced.

One silver lining I could find in an otherwise shity year.

Take all that aside, what else did I manage to accomplish with limited movement, limited funds, and limited access...

My freelance work dried up to nada so I put back my energy to the things I could do.

I studied a bit more of Korean.

Started vlogging again.

Submitted more of my photography into contests which garnered a few live digital exhibitions in a few galleries in different countries.

Began drawing and painting after so many years.

Delved into more current events and became more connected and acquainted with other foreign news outlets that far exceeded the quality of many of my country's national news outlets. (This came from my growing disappointment at how my country's news outlets covered the Taal eruption and the pandemic early on)

Got rid of more of my things and organized what will stay here and what I'm taking with me to the states.

Cooked and baked more and added newly learned menus into my forte.

Found joy and comfort in walking for miles in extremely hot weather.

Kdrama and Cdrama binged watched like never before.

There are of course many more things I didn't accomplish that I would have liked to but either couldn't do or couldn't bring myself to bother to do.

Travel. Cuz pandemic guidelines and pera.

Move. Cuz pandemic, and my home city is doing a piss poor job in dealing with it so we're stuck here where I'm not legally allowed to obtain work until my country and the rest of the world minus a few exceptions (I.e. Taiwan, New Zealand, etc) get their shit together.

Get new job. See above.

Lose weight. Cuz I ate through our pandemic food supply like a starved hippo, baked my fat ass to oblivion, and decided to wait until the possible apocalypse happens before I bother to put any effort into excercise. Cuz if the world's gonna end and the choice is between cookies and ab crunches...I'm gonna choose cookies. And ice cream. And cake. And garlic buttered chicken. Might as well go with a BIG FAT BANG and a smile on my face.

Now 2020 is finally coming to an end.

The world with it. A few hours will tell.

But if 2021 manages to happen in two hours and we're all still alive I'm going into the new year with cautious anticipation.

Do I think that everything will suddenly come up roses once the clock strikes 12?

I'm not delusional.

We're still deeply into a dangerous and deadly pandemic now with a mutated version slowly making its rounds across the globe. Millions are still in hospitals with covid. Millions are jobless. Millions are homeless. Millions have lost that and more.

Sure we have a vaccine but with knowing that less than half the world will have access or being willing participants...it most likely will have little effect on the outcome.

Our politicians and governments are inept, corrupt, greedy, insane, just plain stupid to see any real change any time soon. Significant change takes time and a cohesive willingness to make those changes.

Still awaiting for the inauguration of my country's new president or the fall of its democracy once and for all this coming January. Frankly could go either way the way it's been going over there.

As for me and my plans for 2021.

Try to make the plans I made in 2020 happen.

Again I say this with hesitant confidence that I can make it happen. Frankly life has a way of turning those plans into merely contrived goals on a useless resolution.

I meet this new year with hope but prepared for whatever may come be it good or bad.

There's no use to be anxious about not being able to accomplish a list of goals I may have if life has other plans.

I can just call it detours.

Eventually I know whatever goals I want to accomplish, one way or another depending on my willingness to make it happen even if it doesn't meet a set timeline, I'll get it done.

If it takes me as long as it took me to finally graduate college or longer to check off those goals then so be it as long as I manage to find some little moments of happiness and snippets of accomplishments along the way.

Here's to 2021 being an improvement over the last.

May everyone (minus a few people I think of with detestation) have a Happy, healthy, safe, prosperous New Year.

May the world be allowed to heal.

May this pandemic go away.

May the year 2020 go frak itself.

[dwellingintheworld-blog1]

What does it mean to be a Christian? part 2- Creation

As I said in yesterday’s installment, there are three main categories that we will use to really dig down deep into what it means to be a Christian. The first category is orthodoxy and this is the one that people, both Christians and non-Christians associate with the faith. Simply what this word means is the right beliefs associated with the faith. Typically these are broken down further into essential and nonessential categories. What I mean by essential is that these are the beliefs that are necessary to be considered a Christian and that any deviation from them would mean that you are not in the faith. Nonessential things are still important but are topics that can be widely debated, even among Jesus followers. There is a healthy amount of variation in the Church and its history on these topics but differing beliefs do not automatically exclude someone from the flock. I will touch on the non-essential things as they come up but my main concern is to make the main things evident first.

As the title suggest, we are going all the way back to the first pages of the Bible and all the way back where it all began. The Bible says that in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. This is a massive statement because unlike so many of the polytheistic, pagan cultures surrounding the inspired writers of scripture, the world was not created by a cosmic war. Nor was everything created in some strange way involving deceit, jealousy, or murder. It is simple, God, the only God, The father, Son and Holy Spirit created the world and everything in it. We see in Genesis that God’s spirit hovered over the waters and was therefore present. As God spoke, He brought into existence every kind of plant and creature and gave them the ability to reproduce. (Gen. 1) This is very controversial in our day because evolutionary theory is just accepted haphazardly without any thought as to what this would have to mean for the world. There would be evidence in the fossil record, there is not. Intermediate species would presumably be walking around and trying to survive with their scaled, feathered bodies, they are not. Everything was created fully developed and ready to reproduce and this was all done by the WORD of God. He simply spoke and all these things came to be. Now of course anyone who knows the story knows that there was one creature that God did not simply speak into creation, humans. The Bible says that God fashioned the man out of the dust of the ground and breathed His breath into the man. (Gen. 2) Before this though, it say something very interesting about both man and woman. It say that we are created in the image of God. (Gen 1:27). By my estimation, this has a multifaceted meaning that comes from multiple interpretations throughout history. The simplest meaning is that humans are rational, emotional, relational creatures rivaled by no other on the planet. We have the ability to contemplate the world around us and think about ourselves in rational ways. We have emotions that mirror that of God’s that no other creature possesses but only imitates. Finally we are relational creatures, capable of relating to one another in a way that goes far beyond instinct and pack mentality. Most importantly though we are able to relate to God and this, I think, is the most important component of the Image of God. We can love God, talk to Him, worship Him, and do His will in a way that no other animal can. This is who man is and who humans are meant to be. As we will see later, that image will be tarnished at the very least although some say that it was lost entirely. But that is for tomorrow’s installment.

A final thought before I conclude. I mentioned up top that it was the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who worked creation. This might be confusing because upon reading the Genesis accounts you see no mention of the Son. While I will save the topic of the trinity for a different installment, I wanted to show where I am getting the Son in the creation account. In the Gospel of John the fist chapter, We have a retelling of the creation story by the Apostle John. He start his gospel with the phrase “in the beginning” the same as Genesis. In His rendering, John Speaks of the Word of God being with God, being God, and being the light of men. Then it says that this word made His dwelling place among men and was full of grace and truth. This word, light, and God is the Son, Jesus. Jesus was in the beginning with God. Not created but was in the beginning being the agent of creation with God the Father and the Spirit. This is what the Bible says, that Jesus is God and the world was created through Him. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit were all present at the beginning and created everything that we know.

[wallythayer]

The Art of Enough

Do you sometimes snack mindlessly on mediocre food? Buy clothes that don’t really fit? Binge-watch TV shows when you really need sleep?

You’re not alone. Our culture has become almost fanatically centered on consumption of all types, and it’s affecting our health, happiness, and well-being.

“The average person now consumes twice as much as 50 years ago,” notes Annie Leonard, whose 2007 documentary, The Story of Stuff, tracked the cycle of commodities from production to disposal. In our grandparents’ day, she says, “stewardship and resourcefulness and thrift were valued.”

Our propensity for consumption began after World War II, Leonard explains, when the United States ramped up its production of consumer goods to rebuild the economy. Along the way, new advertising strategies tied emotion to consumption, promising happiness with certain products and emptiness without them. This soap will make your skin glow! This coffee will make your spouse love you! This lawnmower will make your neighbors jealous!

To say the approach was successful is an understatement.

“We are like fish, and consumption is our water,” says Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. “We don’t even realize how much it surrounds us and becomes a part of us. We’re swimming in the idea that if you have more, then you can be happy.”

If that were true, the United States — which has 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes 30 percent of its resources, and creates 30 percent of its waste — would be the happiest place on Earth. But according to the 2016 World Happiness Report, it’s ranked 13th, well behind the Scandinavian countries, Switzerland, Canada, and others. And our overall happiness has declined steadily over the last decade.

This leads to what happiness researchers refer to as the hedonic treadmill — a cycle that begins with a purchase and postconsumption buzz, followed by a disappointing crash, which is then chased by a search for another buzz.

“At a basic level, we’re all just looking to be happy,” says Michelle Gielan, author of Broadcasting Happiness: The Science of Igniting and Sustaining Positive Change. “But at a certain point, many people start to notice that any pleasure from what they consume just doesn’t last. That’s because it doesn’t enrich us in ways that really count.”

This cycle trains our minds to be in a perpetual state of craving. “Consumption . . . often comes from a feeling that you lack something,” says Gielan. “If your brain is focused on what you don’t have, then you’ll be unhappy.”

The false promise of satisfaction present in so many advertising messages can trap us in a cycle of endless pursuit, convinced that if this product or that experience doesn’t do it, we must just need one more.

Habits of consumption don’t just affect our happiness; they’re also tough on the planet. Our discarded stuff all ends up somewhere, whether that’s clogging a waterway, overstuffing a landfill, or polluting a landscape.

The average U.S. household generates more than 20 pounds of hazardous waste a year, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. This waste is harmful all along the disposal chain — for the sanitation workers who handle it and for the places where it’s ultimately deposited.

And “ordinary” waste is equally hazardous; it just takes a little longer to do damage. More than 60 million plastic water bottles end up in municipal landfills every day. These dumping grounds are the second-largest source of human-related methane emissions in the United States and contribute to the overall warming of the planet.

The massive floating islands of trash in the Pacific Ocean, often referred to as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, are composed almost entirely of post-consumer plastic and have been described as twice the size of Texas.

It doesn’t have to be this way. “We just cannot sustain an endless pursuit of more,” says McKeown. “That hurts our hearts as much as it hurts the planet. But the positive news is that we can turn this around.”

Reduce, Reuse, Rejoice

Breaking the cycle of overconsumption is not always easy, but it’s entirely possible — and it gets easier as you go along. These strategies can help you consume less and get more pleasure from the items you do choose to include in your life.

1.  Understand that the energy you save may be your own. 

Purchasing fewer products breaks the environmentally damaging chain of buy-use-dispose-repeat. It can also make us feel considerably more energized, suggests Joshua Becker, author of The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own.

“When you ask people what they want most in life, rarely would someone answer, ‘I want to accumulate as much as possible.’ Because that’s not what feels important,” he says. We want strong relationships, we want to make a difference, we want to love ourselves. Most of all, we want the time, energy, focus, and passion for whatever we choose to pursue.

“What if we could have all those things as a result of consuming less?” Becker asks. “Wouldn’t that be mind blowing? Because it can actually work that way.”

The more we accumulate, he says, the more mental energy we expend to take care of it. When you begin to accept that what you have is enough and start to let go of some of that consumption — including shopping, social media, overeating, anything that involves “input” mode — it can be exhilarating.

“People think it’s a sacrifice to consume less,” Becker adds, “when actually it feels like freedom.”

Try This:

• Open a stuffed junk drawer and notice how it makes you feel. Now, open a nearly empty drawer. Without judgment, feel the difference between the two.

• Pick one item in your home at random. Ask yourself, Does this bring me joy? Does this serve a purpose? Or even, Do I really need this? If not, consider donating or recycling it. Repeat the technique for two objects tomorrow, three the next day, and so on.

2. Let go mindfully.

People often assume that scaling back their possessions means chucking everything but a backpack and some underwear. (And, hey, do you really need underwear?) But it’s really about understanding what each item you own means to you, says Ryan Nicodemus, cocreator of Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things and TheMinimalists.com.

When Nicodemus decided to downsize his belongings, he and a friend packed up his entire apartment as if he were moving out. During the following days, he unpacked only what he needed. After three weeks, about 80 percent of his stuff was still boxed up. So he pulled out a few seasonal items, like his winter coat, and a few extra dishes, then donated the rest.

“I admit, that’s a bit extreme,” he says, with a laugh. “But what about packing up your clothes and noticing what you take out?”

Knowing what’s important to you is just as crucial as understanding what to discard, Nicodemus notes. And clothes, in particular, can be a fantastic starting point.

Make your scale-down efforts into a game, he suggests. He cites a campaign called Project 333, which challenges people to dress with 33 or fewer items for three months. “Doing something like that gets you into the mindset of using less,” he says. “Plus, it’s just a fun challenge.”

Try This:

• Pack all of one kind of clothing item in a box — sweaters, shoes, etc. — and for the next month, take out only what you need. After 30 days, consider donating what’s left over.

• Put a week’s worth of clothes in a suitcase, as if you’re going on a trip. Then wear only what you’ve packed for those seven days. See how it feels to work with a smaller wardrobe.

3. Live within your means.

Nicodemus decided to change his consumption patterns because he wanted more control over his life while working 80-hour weeks at his six-figure corporate job. Over two years, he focused on buying less, spending less, cutting his bills, and paying off his debt.

Then, without notice, he lost his job. As the HR rep went over the details of the downsizing, he remembers thinking, This is the best thing that could have happened to me.

Nicodemus had become so adept at living cheaply that when this drastic transition occurred, he knew he could cover his necessities and still have a future filled with possibilities.

He realized that, thanks to his new lifestyle, he’d “be able to avoid finding another job that takes most of my time and opt instead for a mission I enjoy. I’ll have more time for the people I love, which has been a huge struggle for me ever since I started my corporate climb.”

Try This:

• Make nonspending into a game. How many days can you go without buying clothes, nonessential trinkets, or little “rewards” for yourself? When you do buy something, start over the next day and see if you can beat your record.

• After your next grocery trip, see how long you can go without buying food again. You’ll be surprised how creative you can be with leftovers. Plus, it trains you to use what you have and reduce food waste.

4. Go for quality.

Sustainability expert Robert Shapiro suggests a useful phrase to help guide your spending behavior: selective materialism. By focusing on high-quality, durable, long-lasting products, you might hit the top of your affordability range. But consider the return on investment.

Paying more for a well-made item means you can use it for years — sometimes decades. You’ll be able to shop less often and replace fewer goods, keeping more out of the waste stream.

For example, “fast” or cheap fashion has a higher cost than you may realize. Consider the low wages and hazardous working conditions garment workers face, and the environmental impact pesticides have on fabric crops. “The environmental impact of cycling through so much clothing is astounding,” Nicodemus says. “We’re now at the point where a pound of rice and beans costs more than a pound of clothing. We pay for it in resource depletion.”

And not all quality goods are expensive. “My table is made from an old door that I found, and it will never leave my house, because I love it,” Shapiro says. “That’s really the key: Own only what you absolutely love and what you want to live with for a long time.”

Think of your possessions as a collection with a certain, stable size, Shapiro adds. So when you get something new, something else gets donated or recycled.

Shopping this way can help create a sharp distinction between need and want that will serve you in multiple ways.

“We are taught to want what’s new, but when you begin to deprogram yourself from that, some amazing things can happen,” he says. “You start to feel satisfied with what you have, and you bring in only what you really love. When you extend that to all aspects of your life, it feels liberating.”

Try This:

• Before you walk into a store, make a list, or stop and ask yourself exactly what you’re going to buy. Then make a beeline for those items and head to the cashier. This will keep you focused on your intentions, and it honors your resolve.

• Look around one room in your home. If you were to suffer a natural disaster and lose everything you see, what would you miss? Would you feel relieved if certain items were lost? What is so durable that it could survive a flood? Let that information be your guide to future choices.

5. Cultivate contentment.

Whether you’re consuming food, drink, media, live entertainment, or the sights and sounds of recreational shopping, stay present. Take a moment to consider whether you’re actually “full.” Notice if you’re consuming out of habit or boredom.

Many of us are used to sailing past our satiety point. We numb out and eat the rest of what’s on the plate or watch a lackluster TV show. But cultivating presence can help, Gielan says. That means developing an understanding of what truly brings us pleasure, and knowing how to savor what we’re doing, eating, or watching in the moment.

“Research has indicated that about 90 percent of our happiness comes from how we process the world, which means how you look at your circumstances,” she says. “Only 10 percent is external, which means the stuff you consume in some way. The way you think about what you have really matters. In fact, it’s everything. It can lead to happiness or unhappiness, depending on how you’re looking at it.”

Try This:

• Whatever object you see first when you glance away from reading this, keep looking at it for 30 seconds. Try to view it as if you’ve never seen it before. Notice the detail, the color, the shape. This meditation technique trains your brain to focus on one thing at a time — and appreciate what you’re seeing.

• Track the moments of your day in a journal: what you eat, read, work on, drink, even daydream about. Just jot down a couple of short sentences about each. Then read them a few days later. You might be surprised to find how many moments you don’t recall because you were operating on autopilot.

Making the Connection

Annie Leonard believes that the best way to stop climate change is by inviting your neighbor over for tea.

The more connected you become, the more likely you’ll feel comfortable sharing rather than buying. You’ll be able to ask to borrow an onion from your neighbor instead of driving to the store for one, or you’ll pitch in with a few people on your block to buy a single lawnmower to share.

“When you forge strong connections, you come up with strategies,” says Shana DeClercq, community engagement manager at The Story of Stuff Project. “Making a change is really all about multiplying your personal power by the power of your friends and neighbors.”

Curbing your consumption doesn’t have to be a grim task. In fact, it can be joyful.

When you learn to engage fully with the people, possessions, and experiences that already surround you, and use your skills and creativity to make the most of them, you just might recognize that what you have is simply enough.

Get the full story at https://experiencelife.com/article/the-art-of-enough/

[keepyrkeepsakes]

i keep track of everything neurotically but somehow it still seems like things have passed me by without my knowledge. but maybe it’s a general sense that everything is moving fast and changing. we’re gonna move out of this apartment in the summer. i work a lot and somehow i’m on a tight budget again and turns out i’m pretty good at what i’m doing at least i have some level of intuition and skill but i mean i’m still overwhelmed as hell despite this but this week was better than the last one. every day is so jam packed and it just flies by. i want to be a really good, calm, strong, loving person but i feel little seeds of resentment and disappointment and defensiveness in me. i wanna say i don’t know where they came from but this is how we all seem to know how to relate to each other and relate to ourselves. i want to change but i’m emotionally exhausted and there’s things i resent not having more time for like exercise or having sex or hanging out with friends. but really i’m on a path i’m so happy to be on and j and i are closer than ever and to be honest so am i and most of my good friends so. it’s just this culture i’m still so immersed in of comparing myself to others and/or obsessing over how others see me. but i’m getting better. i’m on social media way less. i’m trying to actually call friends although usually we just play phone tag or people don’t answer and their mailbox is full. soar went on a short tour and the night before r was in a freak accident so i visited her at the hospital. she’s gonna be ok but fuck life is scary. i wish i could capture how amazingly complex and beautiful and painful every instant is. i feel like the narration for a bad indie movie but i really feel consumed with awe lately. i love all of the youth i get to work with so much. i don’t even know them that well but the feeling overcame me with little time or effort. i wish i could protect everyone. i wish i was lighter and more optimistic and didn’t waste time being consumed with negative energy. but like i said i’m working on it and i guess i am who i am and in the work i do that’s where i will derive my strength; by being authentic and by genuinely caring. god i mean wow sometimes it’s just like everything is totally fucked in our country in the world in our schools for so many of my friends and everyone is so complexly human and fallible and i’m so tired and i feel afraid a lot of the time but like besides all that i’m fine, i’m doing fine. j will support me financially in the next year when i need it and we’ll start a home together and i’ll start to feel more capable and on top of my shit and as i get older and better at being a person i will let go on the nonessential and the negative and maybe i’ll get really good at this.