#but we've actually got a fair few fans in the supervillain community

[howtohero]

A Field Guide for Communicating With Werewolves and Vampires

The world is a weird place. Gosh, how many blog posts have I started like that? Weird. Anyway, blah blah chocolate milk hurricanes. Blah blah blah talking neck warts. In your travels as a superhero you’ll get to talk to a lot of para-folk. You’ll have tea with the Troll king of Salt-Lake City and you’ll play shuffleboard with the Octomen of Madrid. Some of these para-folk will be relatively easy to communicate with, but some others might be a bit trickier. To make life easier for you, we’ve reached out to some friends of the guide to assemble this guide of handy phrases that you might need translated when talking to werewolves and vampires. It should be noted that since most werewolves and vampires were at one point human, they can understand human languages just fine, so this guide is just for you to use to understand what they’re saying back to you. So, without further ado:

Common Werewolf Phrases, Sayings, Practices and What They Mean (with input from professional werewolf: Wolfgang Amawolfus Wolfzart)

Awoooooo: “Ain’t the moon looking mighty fine tonight pardner?”

Awooo: “Gee golly wouldn’t I like to eat a chocolate chip cookie right about now.”

Awooooooooo: “Hey have you seen this here tree! This is the best tree I ever did see!”

Panting while drooling: They’re going to eat you. Play dead. They hate having to work for their meal.

Panting without drooling: They’re psyching themselves up for a werewolf dance off. Play dead. They’re going to need a pre-dance off protein snack.

Howl: “Howdy.” (More like howldy.)

Hooowl: “Do you want to buy a chair? I bought this chair, it’s a really good chair. It’s got a cushion. It’s got arm rests. And it’s only lightly chewed on to boot. See, I bought this chair for myself as a bit of a gift. I’d been having a good day, taking care of all my responsibilities. And I thought, hey, I deserve a chair today. So I bought this really nice chair. But then I got bitten by a werewolf. So I guess you can say my day took a turn. It was a bit of a hairy situation wasn’t it. Heh. So anyway, now that I’m a werewolf I rarely have any cause for sitting. Always on the hunt you know. Eating deer or whatever. But I’ve got this really really nice chair just kind of gathering dust in my house now. So anyway, are you in the market for a chair? It’s a really good one. You seem like you sit. So what d’you say friend? Do you want to buy a chair?”

Hoooooowl: “Hoooooowdy.”

Taking off their shirt: This means that they have seen you and think that you have a better shirt than they do and they want you to give it to them.

Hijacking a spacecraft: They want to go to the moon. Good luck stopping them. (To stop them please take a look at our post on fighting human/animal hybrids.)

Snarling: It’s difficult to give an exact translation but this means they’re bemoaning the current state of their home country’s political system.

Baring their teeth while growling: They want some scratches behind the ear. Or, that they want to go for a dip in the hot tub and they recommend that you vacate the area because their wet hot fur is going to be smelllllly.

Woof!: “Aw lookit me I’m just a big ol’ puppy I promise I won’t eat you.”

Ruh roh: It’s exactly what you think it is. They’re just making a cute reference.

Loud yodeling: This is a werewolf mating call. Don’t go out wearing a fur coat. 

Common Vampire Phrases, Sayings, Practices and What They Mean (with input from Draculok, the first vampire)

I vant to suck your blood: This is a very friendly greeting. You have nothing to fear. They’re inviting you in for a hug.

Bleh!: Your breath smells like garlic and this upsets them.

Bleh bleh!: They wish they could look at themselves in mirrors. They just know there’s some flesh caught in their fangs but they just can’t tell where it is!

Bleh bleh bleh: “Dorris you are being just absolutely batty tonight. Ah how you slay me. You’re simply too much Dorris.” (This one probably won’t come up unless your name happens to be Dorris!)

My still-beating heart is as dark as the blackest pits of the abyss from whence man’s greatest sins are born. With my every step I carry with me the unbearable weight of my past and unfathomable pain of the actions I know I must commit. Every night I awaken to the screams that rattle inside my head and when the sun rises I embrace the cold sleep of my crypt. You can never understand me, mere mortal, and so, you can never judge me: They really need to go to the bathroom but are too embarrassed to just come out and say it.

Bleh bleh bleh bleh: They saw a really cool cloud but unfortunately do not possess the vocabulary to properly describe it. Just go outside and look for any cool clouds. 

Sparkling: They’re just trying to add some dazzle to the world. I’m proud of them. 

Hi we’re “Fangry and Confused” and we put the amp in the “vampire”: The sickest band in all of history is about to explode your tiny minds and shred your stupid ears. 

One... two... three ah! ah! ah!: They’re counting. They really just think math is hilarious. Those vampires are so kooky.

I’ve got to Drac out of here: This is just nonsense new age vampire slang. I’ve no idea what it means. I assume they’re paying homage to me? The greatest of vampires? Or maybe they’re just saying “good bye”? Honestly I’m at just as big of a loss as you are my tasty mortal friends.

Loud bat shrieks (bat mode): “Help! I’ve no idea how to actually fly! Why can’t I see anything! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Being a bat is so stressful!!!!!!!!”

Loud bat shrieks (vampire mode): “I’m done being social for the day everybody please just file into the walk in freezer and we shall reconvene when I awaken!” 

Hissing at sunlight: These pasty nerds can’t deal with the sunlight. This isn’t a genetic thing. I, the first vampire, can walk in the sunlight no problem. 

Draping their cape over their face dramatically: They’ve got bad acne and don’t want anybody to see their face.

Literally sucking the blood out of your neck: Uh... Well, take it as a compliment. You must have very nice blood. It was nice knowing you. There’s like a 50/50 chance that you’ll end up becoming a vampire too so welcome to the family. You don’t need this silly guide anymore that’s for sure. (This one’s actually a bold faced lie. You still need this silly guide! You will always need this silly guide!)