#Draculok

[howtohero]

A Field Guide for Communicating With Werewolves and Vampires

The world is a weird place. Gosh, how many blog posts have I started like that? Weird. Anyway, blah blah chocolate milk hurricanes. Blah blah blah talking neck warts. In your travels as a superhero you’ll get to talk to a lot of para-folk. You’ll have tea with the Troll king of Salt-Lake City and you’ll play shuffleboard with the Octomen of Madrid. Some of these para-folk will be relatively easy to communicate with, but some others might be a bit trickier. To make life easier for you, we’ve reached out to some friends of the guide to assemble this guide of handy phrases that you might need translated when talking to werewolves and vampires. It should be noted that since most werewolves and vampires were at one point human, they can understand human languages just fine, so this guide is just for you to use to understand what they’re saying back to you. So, without further ado:

Common Werewolf Phrases, Sayings, Practices and What They Mean (with input from professional werewolf: Wolfgang Amawolfus Wolfzart)

Awoooooo: “Ain’t the moon looking mighty fine tonight pardner?”

Awooo: “Gee golly wouldn’t I like to eat a chocolate chip cookie right about now.”

Awooooooooo: “Hey have you seen this here tree! This is the best tree I ever did see!”

Panting while drooling: They’re going to eat you. Play dead. They hate having to work for their meal.

Panting without drooling: They’re psyching themselves up for a werewolf dance off. Play dead. They’re going to need a pre-dance off protein snack.

Howl: “Howdy.” (More like howldy.)

Hooowl: “Do you want to buy a chair? I bought this chair, it’s a really good chair. It’s got a cushion. It’s got arm rests. And it’s only lightly chewed on to boot. See, I bought this chair for myself as a bit of a gift. I’d been having a good day, taking care of all my responsibilities. And I thought, hey, I deserve a chair today. So I bought this really nice chair. But then I got bitten by a werewolf. So I guess you can say my day took a turn. It was a bit of a hairy situation wasn’t it. Heh. So anyway, now that I’m a werewolf I rarely have any cause for sitting. Always on the hunt you know. Eating deer or whatever. But I’ve got this really really nice chair just kind of gathering dust in my house now. So anyway, are you in the market for a chair? It’s a really good one. You seem like you sit. So what d’you say friend? Do you want to buy a chair?”

Hoooooowl: “Hoooooowdy.”

Taking off their shirt: This means that they have seen you and think that you have a better shirt than they do and they want you to give it to them.

Hijacking a spacecraft: They want to go to the moon. Good luck stopping them. (To stop them please take a look at our post on fighting human/animal hybrids.)

Snarling: It’s difficult to give an exact translation but this means they’re bemoaning the current state of their home country’s political system.

Baring their teeth while growling: They want some scratches behind the ear. Or, that they want to go for a dip in the hot tub and they recommend that you vacate the area because their wet hot fur is going to be smelllllly.

Woof!: “Aw lookit me I’m just a big ol’ puppy I promise I won’t eat you.”

Ruh roh: It’s exactly what you think it is. They’re just making a cute reference.

Loud yodeling: This is a werewolf mating call. Don’t go out wearing a fur coat. 

Common Vampire Phrases, Sayings, Practices and What They Mean (with input from Draculok, the first vampire)

I vant to suck your blood: This is a very friendly greeting. You have nothing to fear. They’re inviting you in for a hug.

Bleh!: Your breath smells like garlic and this upsets them.

Bleh bleh!: They wish they could look at themselves in mirrors. They just know there’s some flesh caught in their fangs but they just can’t tell where it is!

Bleh bleh bleh: “Dorris you are being just absolutely batty tonight. Ah how you slay me. You’re simply too much Dorris.” (This one probably won’t come up unless your name happens to be Dorris!)

My still-beating heart is as dark as the blackest pits of the abyss from whence man’s greatest sins are born. With my every step I carry with me the unbearable weight of my past and unfathomable pain of the actions I know I must commit. Every night I awaken to the screams that rattle inside my head and when the sun rises I embrace the cold sleep of my crypt. You can never understand me, mere mortal, and so, you can never judge me: They really need to go to the bathroom but are too embarrassed to just come out and say it.

Bleh bleh bleh bleh: They saw a really cool cloud but unfortunately do not possess the vocabulary to properly describe it. Just go outside and look for any cool clouds. 

Sparkling: They’re just trying to add some dazzle to the world. I’m proud of them. 

Hi we’re “Fangry and Confused” and we put the amp in the “vampire”: The sickest band in all of history is about to explode your tiny minds and shred your stupid ears. 

One... two... three ah! ah! ah!: They’re counting. They really just think math is hilarious. Those vampires are so kooky.

I’ve got to Drac out of here: This is just nonsense new age vampire slang. I’ve no idea what it means. I assume they’re paying homage to me? The greatest of vampires? Or maybe they’re just saying “good bye”? Honestly I’m at just as big of a loss as you are my tasty mortal friends.

Loud bat shrieks (bat mode): “Help! I’ve no idea how to actually fly! Why can’t I see anything! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Being a bat is so stressful!!!!!!!!”

Loud bat shrieks (vampire mode): “I’m done being social for the day everybody please just file into the walk in freezer and we shall reconvene when I awaken!” 

Hissing at sunlight: These pasty nerds can’t deal with the sunlight. This isn’t a genetic thing. I, the first vampire, can walk in the sunlight no problem. 

Draping their cape over their face dramatically: They’ve got bad acne and don’t want anybody to see their face.

Literally sucking the blood out of your neck: Uh... Well, take it as a compliment. You must have very nice blood. It was nice knowing you. There’s like a 50/50 chance that you’ll end up becoming a vampire too so welcome to the family. You don’t need this silly guide anymore that’s for sure. (This one’s actually a bold faced lie. You still need this silly guide! You will always need this silly guide!) 

[carlaverita-blog]

CARLA VERITA Dia de los Muertos

A little art piece I made for Día de los Muertos, with characters from my webcomic "CARLA VERITA: New Ghoul In School", those include OC's, characters from Monster High and Undertale. In order from right to left and up to down: Skella Bones: An irritating and bossy ghoul that always takes advantage of her big brother Sleek to do what she wants from him. (From Monster High, based on the Create-A-Monster skeleton doll.) "Draculita": A truly skeleton ghoul, not to be confused with DraculOK, and she neither is a vampire, she swears that for her bones. (A Monster High OC created by Juan Hernan Castro Prieto.) Sans, The Skeleton: A very lazy skeleton, he likes to sleep a lot, and he's an all day comedian. He's the big brother of Papyrus. (From Undertale, created by Toby Fox.) Bonita Femur: An hybrid ghoul between a skeleton and a moth, she's sweet and caring for her friends, but is also very nervous and mistrustful with her environment. (From Monster High) Carla Verita: The main character of the story, a very curious skeleton "fanghoul" that loves Monster High and its characters, she's capable of breaking the fourth wall sometimes. (A Monster High OC created by me, COMBOY.) Sleek Bones: A very silent skeleton manster that prefers to stay on the background, but not for being shy, instead, he gets to say strong words when the readers of the comic don't see him. He is very passive with his little sister Skella. (From Monster High.) Papyrus, The Skeleton: A very extrovert skeleton that dreams of being very popular and to have many friends around him. He's the little brother of Sans. (From Undertale, created by Toby Fox and designed by Temmie Chang.) River Styxx: The daughter of the Grim Reaper, she loves parties and confetti, when her father doesn't go around, she converts his boat into a party yatch. (From Monster High.) Skelita Calaveras: She came from Hexico, she's quiet and soft spoken, but very passionate with handmade art and everything related to Día de los Muertos. She loves her "familia" so much, and dreams of showing her own fashion designs to the world. (From Monster High.)

[carlaverita-blog]

CARLA VERITA: New Ghoul in School # 10

Surprise test! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DraculOK was created by Juan Hernan Castro Prieto. Based on the story of the videogame "Monster High: New Ghoul in School". Monster High and all of its characters are trademarks registered by Mattel Inc.

[carlaverita-blog]

CARLA VERITA: New Ghoul in School # 9

Carla's first class. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DraculOK was created by Juan Hernan Castro Prieto. Based on the story of the videogame "Monster High: New Ghoul in School". Monster High and all of its characters are trademarks registered by Mattel Inc.

[carlaverita-blog]

CARLA VERITA: New Ghoul in School # 3

DraculOK is teaching Carla Verita on how to use the Monster High map application. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DraculOK was created by Juan Hernan Castro Prieto. Based on the story of the videogame "Monster High: New Ghoul in School". Monster High and all of its characters are trademarks registered by Mattel Inc.

[carlaverita-blog]

CARLA VERITA: New Ghoul in School # 2

During her first steps in Monster High, Carla Verita meets a very unusual weird-looking ghoul. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DraculOK was created by Juan Hernan Castro Prieto. Based on the story of the videogame "Monster High: New Ghoul in School". Monster High and all of its characters are trademarks registered by Mattel Inc.

[howtohero]

#051 Photographs

We’ve mentioned this before but cameras are everywhere. They’re on traffic lights and atms and cellphones and yo did you know that there are cameras in space? People are probably taking pictures of you all the time. So I hope you brushed your hair this morning. (Also again, someone needs to go through all those pictures and just nail down a location for this Chupacabra fellow?) So it stands to reason that superheroes are going to show up in lots of pictures. They’re pretty huge spectacles. If I saw a power-armor wearing woman fighting a man made of spiders on top of a dam or something you can be sure that I’d snap a pic of that for my Instagram. (As it stands now my Instagram is like 80% cow puns, I’ve got one for every day of the cow-lendar.) But, understandably, being the subject of multiple high quality photographs could be problematic for a superhero for whom anonymity is key.

So it’s important for a superhero to minimize the number of pictures they appear in by any means they can. Just remember that every picture you show up in is another picture that’s gonna go up on a cork-board in some dude’s basement while he strings together every public appearance you’ve made ever in an attempt to uncover your secret identity. (More often than not these people are fans not enemies and they just want to find out your home address so they can mail you a sculpture they made of you out of hairs that they’ve found at super-battle scenes that they think might belong to you. But still, you don’t really want that either...) To this end you’re going to have to somehow resist the urge to photobomb every picture you see being taken (a superhuman feat on its own). You’re also going to have to decline to take selfies with adoring and grateful fans and civilians. This will certainly disappoint them but I think you’d rather some people be disappointed than someone figuring out who you are and tying your mother to some train tracks or some other convoluted villain trap.

But yeah, we get it, some pictures will inevitably need to exist of you. News outlets are going to want at least one stock photo of you to attach to reports and there’s gotta be something on your Wikipedia page (or in people’s shrines to you). But you can use that to your advantage. You can take control of that situation. Create a heavily touched up picture of yourself, such so that many of the details are just off enough that nobody would make a connection between your two identities, and then send it off to every news agency you can think of. Soon enough that picture will be the image people associate with you and your secret identity will be much safer.

Certain individuals actually don’t have to worry about any of this (and I guess are only here for the cow puns? Which makes sense, they’re pretty a-moo-sing). Speedsters, for example, can just vibrate their face really fast so it always shows up blurry in pictures. Shapeshifters can just change their appearance, invisiblers can turn invisible, people who have the very specific power to corrupt photographs can very specifically corrupt photographs.

Similarly, Vampires fall into an interesting category, where, depending on the type of camera used, they won’t even show up in a picture at all. See vampires and silver have a decidedly antagonistic relationship. The story goes that the very first vampire was invited over to the very first witch’s house for a fancy shmancy monster party (not unlike the one described in the Monster Mash song). So the vampire, let’s call him Draculok, first of all he shows up late, which is rude. Then he doesn’t even bring a gift. And sure the witch said “no gifts” but everybody knows that you still bring a gift. So anyway Drac is late, he’s rude, he straight up spits out the food, some garlic dish, the witch spent all day brewing in her cauldron and asks if she has any blood instead. Then when she says “no, nobody just keeps blood in their kitchen,” he tries to kill one of the other guests and suck on their blood. Luckily it was a zombie so everything was fine. But anyway then, in a rage, ol’ Drac just starts throwing things. He throws a huge tantrum. Then he starts to go for the witch’s silver candelabra, a family heirloom and at this point the witch has just had it up to here with this guy so she just places all these curses on him. So now no vampire can go near silver! (Or garlic, she was petty like that.) So anyway, in ye olden days, film contained a layer of silver halide crystals which prevented vampires from showing up in pictures. But these days most people use digital cameras. So this isn’t like super relevant to this post. (We apologize for the major tangent; we’re just trying to milk as much as we can from this topic).

Anyway… If a superhero ends up being blackmailed or guilted or something into taking a selfie with a fan you should encourage them to put lots of fun, detail obscuring filters on them before they upload them to social media. Let them know that #nofilter is for losers and that everyone uses filters in the superhero snapchat group which is almost certainly a thing. You should avoid sending out superhero holiday cards. Except to your parents, they’d probably get a huge kick out of that that would make them happy. But no one else! And make sure they don’t hang it on their fridge!

All of these problems could really be avoided if you follow the proper masking protocols that we outlined in like our second week. But for those who don’t want to cover their entire faces for whatever reason (it was too sweaty, you have a really nice looking face, if you don’t see your face when you look at yourself in the mirror you get scared and/or confused etc.) photographs are something you need to be aware of. It only takes one over caffeinated conspiracy theorist (or should we say… over-calf-inated) to unravel everything you’ve worked so hard to do and all they need is a couple of pictures of you to do it.