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#but with creeps who's violations of your space and boundaries you have to tolerate
bywandandsword · 1 year
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It's interesting how Jonathan keeps equating himself with women, first with the gothic heroines of books, now "sitting at a little oak table where in old times possibly some fair lady sat to pen, with much thought and many blushes, her ill-spelt love-letter" and feeling the first bit of comfort in a while in what he identifies as a woman's room. I know tumblr keeps identifying Jonathan as the book's Damsel in Distress, but it's interesting that Jonathan is consciously identifying himself that way, rather than identifying with any number of the action heroes in books of the time.
I wonder what men in 1897 thought about it, and I wonder if it was a conscious decision on Bram Stoker's part
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pdztoronto-blog · 7 years
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PDZ rules
TO JOIN THE GROUP:
 Whether you apply to join PDZ on your own, or have been added by a current member, you will automatically be asked three questions:
 Do you agree to the group rules? (as stated in this document here, start to finish.)
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What is your interest / experience with polyamory?
 If you don’t reply within 48 hours, your request will be deleted to prevent a backlog of new member requests from building up. Feel free to send another join request, and continue the process.
 WELCOME
 Welcome to the group Poly Dating Zone Toronto. Everyone (18+) is welcome here, whether you're simply curious about polyamory, looking for new partners, or looking for advice or information! We recognize that poly doesn't look the same for everyone, and we welcome different types of relationships under the ethical non-monogamous umbrella, including open and non-monogamous relationships!
Read the following rules in full before participating in the group. Not abiding by these rules will result in a warning or a ban, at the discretion of the admin team.
 ADMINS
 You can find the current group admins by looking at the group’s Members tab - feel free to message an admin at any time with your questions, or if you feel that any of the rules below have been broken.
 PDZ GROUP RULES (see also PRIVATE MESSAGES at the end)
 First and foremost, be excellent to each other.
 Second, don’t be an asshole.
 Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia (including ISO posts specified for cis people only), ableism, ageism, slut-shaming, body-shaming and harassment won't be tolerated here. (This is not an exhaustive list. If something else that is shitty is happening, please let us know.) If any of this is going on in a post, or in the comments to a post, feel free to tag an admin, or take a screenshot and send it to an admin in a private message (PM) if you’re more comfortable going that route, or use the Facebook ‘Report Post’ feature and we will be notified. Please message an admin (with a screenshot wherever possible) if any of this happens in a PM from another member.
 Due to the nature of sexual harassment, both online and in real life, unwanted attention is disproportionately heaped on femme-presenting folks, generally from cis het men. If you are a cis het man, the onus is on you to be extra careful about not acting like a fucking creep. Of course, creepiness towards any members from any other members is absolutely unacceptable, regardless of gender presentation or sexuality; consider this an extra warning to the group of people we most often end up banning. This caveat is to address what the admins see happening within the group, and it’s overwhelmingly cis het men creeping on femme folks.
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 PRIVATE MESSAGES
 Okay, this is the big one. PDZ is a group about making connections, be that as a community or one on one - you’re going to find yourself wanting to send messages to someone directly. HOWEVER, we have a wide group of folks looking for a wide range of things, and some not looking for anything at all. The following rules are written in stone, and we WILL take action if they are broken:
 You do not have an inalienable ‘right’ to message other members just because you find them interesting / attractive. Do not spam the members list and message everyone whose profile pic is attractive to you. That’s fucking creepy and gross, and you will be banned.
 When can you message another group member? If they have posted an ISO (In Search Of - basically a post stating they’re looking to connect with others) and you fit into what they’ve looking for. (As in, you match with the gender they’re seeking, and the relationship style they’ve indicated, and any other preferences they’ve stated in their post.) Or if you’ve previously interacted with them, either in a comment thread or in real life at at meetup.
 It’s still polite in either of those cases to ask first, but as long as you fall within the above, you may send ONE AND ONLY ONE PM their way. Remember the general group rules above (don’t be a creep, or even the one PM rule won’t save you). If they don’t reply back, let it go. If they say they’re not interested, let it go. CONSENT, people - it has to be there.
 If you continue to message someone after the first message is ignored, you are in violation of our rules, and we will ban you. Do not send ANYONE a friend request without their express approval (unless they have stated in a post that they welcome friend requests). IF YOU SEND ANYONE AN UNSOLICITED PICTURE OF YOUR JUNK, YOU'RE GETTING KICKED OUT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. We will have absolutely no tolerance for any member who makes others feel unsafe in this space.
Again, because this is seriously the biggest point of misunderstanding. YOU CAN SEND ONE MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO HAS POSTED AN ISO, or with whom you’ve interacted directly in comments / real life. If you’re within those boundaries, you’re within the rules. If you aren’t, you’re breaking them. It’s that simple.
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