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#out of fear of something worse
bywandandsword · 1 year
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It's interesting how Jonathan keeps equating himself with women, first with the gothic heroines of books, now "sitting at a little oak table where in old times possibly some fair lady sat to pen, with much thought and many blushes, her ill-spelt love-letter" and feeling the first bit of comfort in a while in what he identifies as a woman's room. I know tumblr keeps identifying Jonathan as the book's Damsel in Distress, but it's interesting that Jonathan is consciously identifying himself that way, rather than identifying with any number of the action heroes in books of the time.
I wonder what men in 1897 thought about it, and I wonder if it was a conscious decision on Bram Stoker's part
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turtleblogatlast · 6 months
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I love Raph and haven’t said that enough so to be more specific I love that Raph is a soft boy who loves bear plushies, a gross boy who eats an assortment of things that are definitely better left alone, a smart boy who is more than capable of taking down villains through planning and fortitude alike, a strong boy who is dedicated to training his muscles and fighting prowess, a teenage boy who loves his brothers but is more than happy to tease and roughhouse with them, an angry boy who sometimes lets his anger take a hold of him to cover the fear, a gentle boy who is generous with hugs and affirmations to those he loves, a capable boy who takes on more than should ever be expected of a teenager, a good boy who just wants to be a hero and slowly comes to realize the cost of that duty, a good boy who has no reservations about putting himself in the way of harm coming to his family, a good boy who’s a great brother and son and person and deserves only the best the world has to offer.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt raph#rise raph#he’s so wonderful frfr#my poor boy is traumatized but still so proud of what they accomplished because they’re HEROES#what started as something fun - Saturday morning cartoon-like heroes vs villains esque - soon becomes his calling#and he loses himself a little along the way#because the world is TERRIFYING now#if they don’t do something about the bad things in the world then worse things will come#and Raph CARES too much to let it happen#even at the expense of his own happiness and youth#and he luckily reigns back that fear - knowing his family is there to keep an eye out with him#and he finally lets himself be a kid again#he’s very well rounded and his flaws are so good because (like the others) they are ALSO his strengths#I like how it’s softly implied that bears are his fav animal too bc that’s cute af#headcanon that he likes them so much because a stuffed bear was the first toy splinter managed to get Raph#but yeah one of my favorite things about tmnt is that the characters are well rounded and rottmnt exemplifies that immensely#with raph being no exception!!#amazing big brother and character#there’s a REASON in my tmnt main character tierlist he’s S tier!!!!#hot take but in terms of who should be leader I think it should be less who’s the better leader-#-and more who’s the better leader FOR THIS SPECIFIC MISSION#bc all four can be great leaders fight me on that#APRIL can as well 100%#doesn’t need a designated leader for them to succeed#they just need ~communication~#one of my favorite things tying Raph and Leo together is that they both *hide*#I’ve talked about Leo’s many masks a lot but Raph has one too#and it’s the mask of a hero - the mask of the protector
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stefisdoingthings · 4 months
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silence
also this is from Wolfwood's POV (in case it isn't clear) i have 0 normal thoughts (every song ever is VW)
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happi-dreams · 3 months
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whole bunch of inside out doodles cause hoo boy has it been festering in my brain
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puppetmaster13u · 10 months
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Prompt 72
 Crane is getting desperate. No matter how much he tries to offset it with human food, his stomach continues to feel like a ravenous void. His hands are shaking, vision just as shaky as he tries to continue the delicate process of creating his toxin, even though he knew it wasn’t going to work. 
 The last seven batches hadn’t had an effect, even as he made them stronger and stronger. He’s getting desperate, feeling more like a starved animal than a man of science. 
 His throat is dry and scratchy despite him just drinking water, and his fangs easily cause his lips to bleed as he bites at them nervously. He taps his claws impatiently at the table, nausea sweeping over his head for a moment before his vision righted itself while waiting for the fear toxin to finish. 
 It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. It’s strong enough to nearly kill anyone else but it does nothing and he’s going to starve. He was in that damn asylum for too long, and he’s going to die and he doesn’t want to- 
 He’s long since stopped being able to feel fear but at that moment he could almost swear he still could.
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pinacoladamatata · 3 months
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hella1975 · 1 year
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hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x
#seriously another shout out to my mutuals#id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being#and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting#bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!'#hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over#and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic#sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭#okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals#like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful#so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up#than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess#they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds#so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW#okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES#if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends'#then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context#but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic#and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF#okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this#ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day
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skunkes · 9 months
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
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at this point I'm starting to feel like I could graduate, get into residency, complete a superspecialisation program and have a whole ass career by the time Sarah Janet announces ACOTAR 5
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swiftcast-selene · 7 months
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Day 2: Home
sometimes it's hard to think of the shadow of a castrum as "home", but... it's much harder to deny the effect the Shroud and its people have had on him.
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purpurussy · 2 months
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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rapidhighway · 1 month
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Hnngg
#im so stressed ughhhhh#this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN#like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house#and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo#also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other#i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever#it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend#with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know#it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly#i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh#i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't#especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr#uhh like comment and subscribe#vent#i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since#everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is#but it's really stressing me out#idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore#and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really#feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..
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robotsafari · 4 months
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“Darkness is inside everybody… nothing to be ashamed of.”
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vampirecatprince · 7 months
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It's FASCINATING replaying through the MOTHER series and looking at it super granularly, especially seeing all the very unintentional similarities the series has with a lot of my creative works? Like- I got into it as an older teen, just out of high school, so I've been seriously underestimating just how influential it's been to me? Even on a philosophical level?
I think a very big chunk of that is I came across MOTHER 3 during a very dark time in my life. I was struggling with a lot of mental health issues on top of my family and home life being incredibly unstable at the time. I was non-functional and literally rebuilding myself, not knowing I had DID, and struggling to just... be a person... All while I had m many close family members dying and my main caregiver dealing with cancer and unemployment.
And in the middle of all that I found a game about a kid who's family is torn apart by forces outside of his control... Who despite it all, still saw funny little moments and made friends, even when it's made painfully obvious during Tanetane Island just how much he still hurt.
And then, at the end of it all. hearing a tyrannical, terrifying, immature, immortal monster of a man call your brother something less than human to your face. And knowing Lucas still tried to save everyone he could?
After all that? He still insists that your world should be kind to you?
I... I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that.
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spider-man-2o99 · 1 year
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makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again makes  you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again
#talking tag#spider-man 2099#spiderman 2099#miguel o'hara#vulture 2099#marvel#comics#comic panels#something something idk man i justt enjoy these issues theyre Fun#whag do u want from me. the bungled potential is tantalizing when i Want to indulge in ripping and tearing into canon?#as i always say lmao vulture 2099 COULD be a really interesting character. like. the Potential's there#reinforces how Lucky mig was that he came from a life of having as many privileges as he had when he got mutated... and that nobody Saw It.#plus yknow. can also serve as a narrative Mirror for migs worst fears abt himself! what would YOU do if ur intrusive thoughts made manifest-#--called YOU a coward and a capitalist pawn 4 not wanting 2 kill and eat people . and all while wearing THOSE tassled PANTS....#idk man just something real neat 2 me abt how vulture is the only villain mig kills On Purpose and even then he Runs b4 he hits the ground.#his anger burns out so Fast. he cant even like. make himself watch the Cannibal Gang Boss get turned into street pizza yknow#he feels worse about killing the VULTURE than he ever really did about killing the specialist because he actively CHOSE to do it this time#cutting the specialist's throat w/ his talons was just an Accident caused by him lashing out against an enemy determined 2 Kill Him y/k#yeah it still caused him a great amnt of Distress to accidentally Kill Someone but he does not spend any panels shedding tears over the guy.#but the vulture. the VULTURE stays on his mind for the next 30 issues AT LEAST......#god this miserable little man. great power and greater guilt and responsibility both a burden and inherent.
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red-the-dragon-writes · 4 months
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Fishing Habits
Summary:
“I know what you’re doing,” Dan said without preamble. “Huh?” Jay said. “Oh, right. I know you work for the school, but I didn’t think you’d be that much of a hardass.” “What?” Dan said. Jay paused, looking Dan over for a moment. “Actually, what are you talking about? I don’t think we’re on the same page.” “With the fish,” Dan clarified. Jay raised the odd ridges of flesh over his eyes that functioned as eyebrows. “I’m mer, you asshole. I can talk to them. They told me what fucked-up shit you’ve been pulling. What’s your problem?” “Sometimes I get hungry,” Jay said. “Can I see your notes now?”
Dan is an ordinary merman-pretending-to-be-a-human. Jay is... something else entirely. He seems like a really pleasant guy, except for how freaked out all the fish are. And Dan's college has just opened a new aquarium...
On Ao3 here.
There was an understanding, which had been in place as long as Dan could remember, that meant that one must not reveal the existence of The Supernatural to human society, and if one did the people they made the reveal to needed to be dealt with in some way—sworn to secrecy, brought into the fold of the Oceanic, or even, at absolutely worst, killed. Dan didn’t want to deal with it. There was a lot of paperwork involved in fucking up the order of things, and it was a huge hassle, and also there was a lot of risk involved. It wasn’t like Dan had any real need to reveal he’d grown up under the Pacific rather than in it, anyway. And his parents were living off the coast of Oregon now anyway, so he didn’t even have to do that much lying about it. It was easy and he kept it well under wraps.
He did five years of field work before they told him they were going to require him to come back to the university and teach at a handful of classes before he’d be allowed back out into the field or he’d lose his position, which also meant losing most of his source of funding and the grant he was working with. They offered to let him teach it remotely, of course—the department chair apologizing profusely the entire time—but Dan was doing altogether too much of the work from six hundred feet below the surface of the Atlantic and that just wouldn’t work out. No way to maintain The Secret. Instead he resigned himself to another few years living on land and away from the fishes, rented an apartment, and returned to Spokane to teach two sessions of classes about saltwater ecology in the Pacific to incoming students and one class on field work to older biology majors. Oh well. At least he could visit home on the weekends.
Since his own research was put on pause and the college did promise to pay for his tuition, Dan opted to take a handful of classes, too. What else was he going to do? He was still in touch with the rest of the field crew, and when they finally started writing, sure, he’d refocus onto that, but at the moment he wasn’t going to be of any help. And in one of the classes was a gray man.
You weren’t allowed to do that, but he was doing it. Dan was perfectly certain that there were laws against being out in the open with visibly-discolored flesh across all the major out-of-sight jurisdictions, and he was also pretty sure the Sideways Court was still offering free glamours for anyone who desperately needed into human society and also could prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they couldn’t just change their colors themselves, though Dan had also heard that the paperwork to prove either was a nightmare and the Sideways Court sounded just kind of awful to boot.  The Oceanic North-Pacific Authority was a lot better in a lot of ways. God knew applying for his visa was a nightmare of bureaucracy. But the point was: the gray man was openly flouting the rules. And worse than just being gray alone, he also had horns. His fingernails were blue, his teeth were sharp and needle-shaped, and his eyes had no pupils, just scleras and black centers that looked like hollow glass marbles. He had ripples crisscrossing his skin like vines growing just beneath the surface, and though Dan couldn’t be sure, he thought his body was a weird consistency, too, that he bent further than Dan expected when he bumped into things or wore a heavy bag over his shoulders. There was no way his appearance was legal. Dan felt for him, because it had to be difficult doing all that, but it wasn’t allowed. He’d probably get in trouble for just being around it, if someone came and found out and reported the guy and Dan hadn’t said anything.
Still. Dan had to respect it. And it was interesting to see how fast the other students got used to Jay and his gray skin and his horns and his eerie pupil-less eyes. Honestly, Dan was kind of disappointed in himself. His initial anxiety was unfair, wasn’t it? It was the laws that were unfair. Human society clearly wasn’t the problem it was cracked up to be.
Eventually Dan worked up the courage to tell Jay that he was mer. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. Jay had just nodded, shrugged, and said, “Cool.” That was it. And, honestly, as far as Dan was concerned, that was plenty. He didn’t need to be friends with a twenty-something nonconformist—or however old Jay was; he hadn’t asked, really—and just because they were both in the same class didn’t mean anything, really. They knew each other’s names, and Jay occasionally asked Dan for notes. That was plenty.
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Dan wasn’t much of a partier and he wasn’t much of a night owl, and he didn’t’ spend a lot of time out of the house. What he did was usually at a river somewhere. Spokane was gorgeous and full of lively fish, and by virtue of his heritage Dan could chat. Fish didn’t usually have a lot to talk about, but something had them in a tizzy when Dan finally made it out to his favorite spot, and they were particularly anxious to tip him off.
At first, he couldn’t make heads or tails of why it mattered to him that someone had developed new lures (aside from how his job was kind of to keep an eye on what people were doing with his rivers and all). But it came together eventually. Jay had something weird about him. He’d started coming to the water just like Dan had—here and elsewhere—and chatting, just like Dan had. And Dan had lured them into a sense of security. They should’ve been secure, talking! Even when Dan was hungry he didn’t eat the fish he talked to! But to talk to Jay was dangerous. Fish that talked to Jay too long vanished. And he had strange lures, luminescent sweet blue worms that made fish dizzy and sick if they bit them off and which moved even when torn apart until they were eaten. The fish insisted, almost en masse, that this strange gray man who chatted up their waters was bad news, and on the whole they badly wanted Dan to find him and make him cut it out.
Dan didn’t even know what to make of it at first. He asked question after question, trying to understand what they meant first and then after to try to ensure they weren’t actually talking about his classmate. The fish were convinced he was unfathomably ancient, even though he was taking first-year classes. But it became too clear that they were the same person after not long at all. A handful even had his name to relay, and even though they pronounced it a little differently, there was no question that he was the same person with the same name. Brazen.
The fish generally knew what predation was and it—well, it bothered them, sure, but it was an understood way of life, and they knew Dan himself ate fish and was part of human society where fishing was done. They’d never come to ask him to put an end to regular fishing before. The first and last time any of them had banded together like this, it was six fish, and they wanted him to handle a chemical mess that he’d been almost completely useless about. The fact that he had nearly forty fish across a whole host of species asking him to put a stop to Jay’s hunting meant that something about that guy was very, very off.
At least, when it came to the fish.
Still, Dan didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Maybe he was just a weirdo. But he had access to most of the college labs, and there were fishtanks in several buildings, and so—nervously and feeling like he certainly looked a bit out of his mind—he went around, talking to the fish there. He didn’t like what he found. All the fish knew Jay. There was no doubt he could and did talk to them, often at odd hours when the fish said that they were typically bored, which meant he was on campus late at night and early in the morning sneaking in to talk with them. Several tanks were apparently head-over-heels charmed. Others, these fewer and further between and, Dan noted after a short while poking around, more likely to have deaths in the fish population waved off than more carefully-managed tanks, told Dan nervously that Jay wasn’t what he seemed. That he had been charming and pleasant and had these magnificent worm lures that they’d never seen before, and then without warning he’d coaxed one of them into his hands and ate them, just like that.
These were domestic fishes, indoor fish. Pets, practically. It was alien to them that a person would do that, and it scared them. But it didn’t seem Jay would willingly strike too many times in the same place, rotating tanks out at random. And what for? Sometimes, they said, he’d come back, and chat like nothing had happened even though they all saw him kill one of their number without a thought. There was something wrong with him. Dan, if Dan knew him, should be cautious.
These fish didn’t seem to understand that there was a world of difference between eating a human (or a mer, really) and eating a goldfish, but Dan promised to take the warning under advisement anyway.  
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Upon the day that Dan decided to confront Jay about his weird, creepy fish-eating behavior, several interesting things happened.
The first was simple. A colleague from the Environmental Sciences branch had invited him to downtown Spokane for no clear reason just before when Dan typically took his lunch. Alicia had been a close friend when Dan was doing his dissertation and she was currently working on her own postdoc research a little ways outside Spokane, just far enough from where Dan lived that they only got together so often. She told him that it was a surprise, and ot to look anything up about the location, so he obligingly didn’t.
It turned out to be an aquarium. More than that, it was an aquarium owned and run jointly by the college and a handful of others, and while it was still in the final stages before opening, Dan—by virtue of his employment with the school and his own degree focus in fish care and fish wellness—was welcome back whenever, provided he told them what he was doing and didn’t meddle unexpectedly. They wanted him to give his thoughts on a couple of tanks. And the tanks were fascinating. For some reason, whoever had done the design of the building had had a vision and they’d executed it; the tanks looked like classrooms-turned-reefs, replicas of desks and tables cast in plaster and then given coral to grow over them, furnished with lighting that looked like fluorescent strip lights in classrooms and even sometimes sporting false windows out to the street. And all the while, inside, sharks and huge groupers and small brightly-colored reef fish and schooling fish and others besides serenely went about their business. It was inspired, it really was. His parents would’ve gotten such a kick out of it.
Alicia had shown him around, and then they’d gotten food.  It was a very nice afternoon, all things told.
The second was less pleasant. Just as he and Alicia were going their separate ways, Dan got an email from the school about a missing student, a request for more information if anyone had any. They had last been seen about a week before, and their car had just turned up abandoned at Lake Wenatchee, a state park a little ways outside Spokane. Dan hadn’t seen that happen before. Unfortunate, but not anyone he knew. He filed it away mentally and had pretty much stopped thinking about it by the time he got back to his apartment.
The third, and most objectively inconsequential, was that his first afternoon class had been canceled. His professor had come down with the flu.  
And, finally, though they didn’t have class together today, Jay had called Dan and asked to meet with him. Evidently Jay had missed a lecture, or maybe several, and wanted to see Dan’s notes. The timing was just right.
“I know what you’re doing,” Dan said without preamble.
“Huh?” Jay said.  “Oh, right. I know you work for the school, but I didn’t think you’d be that much of a hardass.”
“What?” Dan said.
Jay paused, looking Dan over for a moment. “Actually, what are you talking about? I don’t think we’re on the same page.”
“With the fish,” Dan clarified. Jay raised the odd ridges of flesh over his eyes that functioned as eyebrows. “I’m mer, you asshole. I can talk to them. They told me what fucked-up shit you’ve been pulling. What’s your problem?”
“Sometimes I get hungry,” Jay said. “Can I see your notes now?”
“Sometimes you get hungry?” Dan echoed. It took him a moment to remember how to form sentences properly. “Go to the—fucking—there are vending machines all over campus, there’s a cafeteria, you’re an underclassmen, don’t you have a meal plan—you get hungry? Hungry?”
Jay looked at Dan as though he were completely unimpressed and completely unmoved. “Okay. Can I see your notes now?”
Dan took a deep breath. “Jay, I’m here on behalf of the fish to ask you to cut the shit.”
“Huh,” Jay said. “Are you, like, going to let me see your notes, or was this just, you know, pretext to yell at me?”
Dan sighed, pulling his knapsack around to see if he could find his notebook. “No. As much as I think the way that you’ve started going after these fish is creepy as all fuck, I don’t really want your grades to suffer. Stop eating the fish.”
Jay shrugged. “I guess I can go out of campus and—”
“No,” Dan said, cutting him off. “Not the campus fish, all the local fish. I first heard about this from the fish in the Spokane. Everyone at Riverside Park is sick of your shit. It’s creepy, Jay. What’s the point of getting all buddy-buddy with fish you’re planning on eating?”
Jay’s eyes narrowed. “What, should I kill without a thought, then? What if I catch a fish with obligations?”
“That’s not why you’re doing it.”
“You’re right,” Jay said. “It’s not. But it is a consideration, among many. I don’t think it’s as bad as you think. And, no, I won’t be stopping any time soon.”
Dan shook his head and threw the notebook at the table. “Give it back to me when we have class again. And after that, I don’t want to hear from you.”
“What’s the big problem?” Jay said, suddenly sounding much more concerned. “Acanthis, they’re just fish.”
“They’re not just fish to me,” Dan snapped. “I’m mer, you asshole. It’s not the same. And—the way you do it is creepy. I don’t like it. Just because I know fish aren’t people to you doesn’t mean they don’t matter to me.”
“Oh,” Jay said. “The issue is that I eat fish?”
“I eat fish!” Dan said. “Are you being—are you being willfully stupid now? The problem is that you’re making friends with the fish you eat!”
“Ah,” Jay said. “Yeah, no, sorry, there’s nothing you can do about that. It’s been good knowing you, Acanthis. Thanks for the notes.”
“Fuck yourself,” Dan said, rather charitably, as far as he was concerned, and stormed back out of the library.
-
Jay did not stop preying on the fish. He did stop asking Dan for notes. He did also return Dan’s notebook, in about the same condition as he’d taken it, but there was an odd blue stain on one page.
 And life continued as it normally did. The class continued. Dan got familiar with the professor, a lovely older woman called Dr. Bernadotte Maragou, who was very sweet and worked in the Health Sciences department but was still nonetheless teaching an ecology course because the school was lacking a professor to teach it and she had the necessary bioinformatics background. Unfortunately, Jay did, too. He was—to everyone else, at least—charming, or at least something like it. To hear Bernie speak, he was sweet and helpful and wouldn’t hurt a fly.  But if she could hear the fish, she’d think he was the devil. All everyone else’s adoration served to do was make Dan like him even less.
Still, the end of the semester approached apace, and Dan kept his focus on himself and his friends as much as he was able. Most of the fish that Dan was familiar with knew better than to trust Jay by now, and he heard that Jay was venturing further and causing trouble in different places instead, but he left it alone. Realistically, what was he going to do? It was the only reasonable thing. He stopped by the aquarium on occasion, which was a delight in and of itself, and he got his work done, and he kept in touch with his colleagues in the Atlantic and they kept him posted on what they were seeing with the shark populations they were monitoring. There were some instances of bad news—the missing student never showed up, and another one or two, Dan wasn’t sure, joined them in vanishing off the face of the earth, but it was a city and these things happened and it didn’t happen to anyone Dan knew. At the end of the day, all was as well as it could really be.
Until it wasn’t.  
One week before the end of classes, Bernadotte announced to the class as a whole that the university was going to launch the aquarium publicly, explaining briefly what it was and much more rapidly turning to something worse: that, as a pre-opening event, the Environmental Sciences college was hosting an event and anyone enrolled in an CoES class was welcome, for free and everything. Dan watched Jay perk up, visibly interested. Absolutely not.
It was one thing to be eating goldfish from the tank and wild fish out of the river. It was something else entirely to start eating out of an aquarium. Dan couldn’t help but feel protective over a project he’d helped with, too, even if it hadn’t been that much help. He knew a lot of those fish. He was absolutely not letting this rule-flaunting, skeevy asshole fuck it all up.
He accosted Jay outside class. “You are not going to that aquarium.”
“The one with the art installations?” Jay said. “Yes I am. Do you want something, Acanthis?”
“Would you quit calling me by my last name? Stay out of those fucking fish tanks.”
“No,” Jay said. “I have another class to be at, Acanthis, would you get out of my face?”
“The second anything goes wrong at that aquarium, I’m pointing the finger at you,” Dan said. “Don’t even fucking think about it. I’ll know if even a single fish is fucking hurt. If you even speak to them.”
“Acanthis. I have places to be,” Jay said. “Move, or I’m pushing you.”
“This is the only warning I’m fucking giving you,” Dan growled. “Take it. Stay out of the fucking aquarium.”
Jay scoffed and shouldered past Dan. Dan made no effort not to be pushed out of the way, but called after Jay, “I mean it!”
Jay shook his head, like he was rolling his eyes where Dan couldn’t see them, and kept walking.  So the aquarium was screwed, basically.
-
Dan knew he was being a little unreasonable. He wasn’t going to let that stop him, though.
Asking around turned up that Jay likely didn’t have a car, so Dan figured that he was going to try to catch a ride with someone else to the aquarium. It was hardly walking distance, from campus to the center of downtown Spokane. Trying to stop Jay from getting a carpool was going to be hard, but not impossible, of course. He’d figure something out. If he could even figure out who was bringing Jay…
…which turned out to be easier than Dan had expected. Two days after the announcement in class, Bernie had announced that she’d gotten some students who were struggling to make it to the aquarium location, and she would be organizing carpools. That just meant that Dan needed to see who got Jay’s name and somehow convince them not to bring Jay. These were students. He could probably bribe them, or ply them with cookies and alcohol, or something. Wouldn’t be too hard.
It wasn’t to be. Bernie ended up with three kids on overflow, and Jay was one of them. Bernie was a really lovely lady, and sweet as they came. And there was absolutely no way Dan was going to be able to tell her what the issue was without having to answer difficult questions about himself, and besides, she’d probably insist that he was being too hard on Jay and there was a good reason to eat goldfish after telling them you thought they were the best individual fish on the planet or something. So just telling Jay’s transportation to leave him behind unexpectedly was out of the plan.
Eventually, in a fit of desperation, Dan asked Bernie if he could catch a ride with her along with the other three students. She said that he could, and that it’d be a little cramped but there would still be room for everyone.
The night before the event, Dan started asking around again, trying to find Jay to warn him off a second time. This time he didn’t succeed. Everyone knew who he was, of course, but no one could quite find him. One girl even asked Dan if he thought Jay was ”next”—baffling Dan, and when he asked what she meant, she started carrying on about mysterious disappearances and serial killers like she thought they were living in a movie of some sort. No one else Dan spoke to was any more helpful. Jay had to be off-campus somewhere, or maybe he’d vanished into thin air. Dan wasn’t optimistic enough to trust in the latter, but he crossed his fingers anyway. That would be one disappearance Dan wouldn’t mind, that was for sure.
The inexorable march of time went on, as it always did. Tomorrow rolled around. Dan woke up on the morning of the aquarium event and knew that this was it. He was out of time. He just had to find some way to make it happen.
This time, he succeeded in waylaying Jay. It was by chance, even—he caught sight of Jay’s stupid gray horns just barely peeking out over the sea of faces at the front doors to the library and zeroed in on Jay as fast as he could. He grabbed Jay by the arm and couldn’t suppress a second of distaste at the texture of Jay’s flesh—strangely squishy and stiff all at once, like a very full water balloon instead of flesh with bones in it—and then Jay whirled around. “Acanthis?”
Dan opted not to call him on the name thing this time. “This is the last time I’m going to say it. Stay away from the aquarium.”
“Didn’t you say last time was going to be the only warning?” Jay said.
“I am so serious,” Dan said. “You do not want to test me on this. Stay away from the aquarium! Do I make myself clear?”
“Uh-huh. Enjoy the rest of your day, Acanthis.” Jay started to pull away from Dan, and Dan grabbed his arm tighter. His odd glassy eyes narrowed. “You’re going to want to let go of me right now.”
“Tell me you’ll stay away from the aquarium.”
Jay wrenched his arm away from Dan’s grip, much harder than Dan expected. His knuckles ached at the sudden force; he could swear he heard one of his joints crack. “I told you to let go of me, didn’t I? I don’t know how to say this politely, Acanthis—stop telling me to stay away from the aquarium. I’m allowed to be curious about it just like everyone else is. Just because you have a problem with me doesn’t make it my concern. I’m tolerating this, because you work here and I’m probably leaving after another semester. But if you push me, I’m going to start pushing back. Do I make myself clear?”
“I don’t have a problem with you, I have a problem with you eating—” Dan realized abruptly that they were in public and lowered his voice. “Eating the fucking fish! I think that should be fucking understandable.”
“No, you also have a problem with me,” Jay said flatly. “You are not the only one, and I do not care very much. But you will never be able to dictate what I do and don’t do. You had better get that through your head right the fuck now.”
Dan, disbelieving, shook his head. “I can’t fucking believe you.”
“Great,” Jay said, shoving past Dan. He hit Dan in the chest with his shoulder, clearly intentionally. “See you at the aquarium, Acanthis.”
“No you fucking won’t!” Dan called after him, but he vanished seamlessly into the crowd before he was even done speaking.
Fucker.
-
Finally, out of ideas, Dan called up a local friend who did some contract work with the Sideways Court and asked them to temporarily hex Bernie’s car. He felt bad about it, but it wouldn’t be any real harm done, and it’d just keep the car from starting for a while. It would stop the other two students from getting to the aquarium either, but Dan was willing to call that an acceptable loss. He turned up at the parking lot next to the cafeteria at the appointed meeting-time even though he knew it wasn’t going to get him anywhere; it seemed only fair to miss it, and besides, that let him keep an eye on Jay.
Jay gave Dan a very dubious look when he arrived. “You’d better not be waiting here for me, Acanthis.”
“Nope,” Dan said. “Carpooling.”
Jay gave him a long, hard look, and then shrugged and pulled out his phone. “I assume you’ll be dogging my steps all night?”
“You’d best believe it.”
“I don’t mean to insult you, Acanthis,” Jay said, “but this strikes me as a phenomenally stupid plan.”
“I keep telling you, my name is Dan,” Dam said. “And my plan is fine.”
“I’m sure it is,” Jay said, not looking up from his phone. “Look, for all anyone knows, you’re the concern here. Everyone at the library saw you getting handsy and aggressive with me. You have fuck-all in the way of evidence. And I’m—”
A car pulled up along the cement, and Jay cut off, picking his head up. “Ah, there’s Doctor Maragou,” he said, in exactly the same casual tone.
That was weird, and eerie. “Hey, Bernie,” Dan called, trying to keep any sort of distrust out of his tone of voice. “How’s your day been?”
“Oh, hi, Dan,” Bernie said. “Hi Jay! It’s great to see you both. Have you seen Sophia and Luke?”
“Not yet, but there’s still plenty of time,” Jay said, smiling warmly. “Dan, I know you’re closest with Doctor Maragou. Do you want to sit up front?”
“Generous of you,” Dan said, “yeah. Bernie, should we get in now?”
“Yeah, why not?” Bernie asked. “I think I see Sophia coming over now, anyway. It shouldn’t be too long.”
True enough, Sophia was cresting the small hill between the walking path and the parking lot. As Dan watched, Luke, the fourth student, walked over as well. So that was the whole crowd.
Dan didn’t need to jostle around, not in the front seat, but in the back Sophia, Luke, and Jay had to work out seating arrangements; Jay had volunteered to sit in the middle, but there was a little bit of difficulty with the seatbelts, and it took a few minutes of shuffling about before Luke finally announced to Bernie that they  could start driving. Bernie nodded, smiling, and made to pull out of the parking lot. And then her car made a terrible backfiring noise.
“What the hell was that?” Luke blurted. “I mean, um, sorry Professor.”
“What the hell was that?” Bernie muttered, stepping on the gas again. Nothing happened.
“That’s… weird,” Sophia said. “Professor M., has that ever happened before?”
“Nope,” Bernie said. “I’ve never had any car do that before.”
“I can take a look at it,” Sophia said, already opening the door. “I’m good with cars.”
“Hang on a minute,” Bernie said, turning her key in the ignition. Nothing happened. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Yup,” Sophia said.
“How sure?” said Bernie, pressing on the gas again.
“Very sure,” Sophia said. “I like cars. Pressing on the gas isn’t going to do anything good if it‘s not igniting, so maybe stop doing that.”
Bernie stopped pressing on the gas very quickly. “Okay. You can look under the hood, if you want. Let me come out and look at it with you.”
The two of them stood outside the car looking at the hood for a good ten or eleven minutes. Jay made dubious eye contact with Dan through the rearview mirror. Dan pretended not to notice.
“Um,” Luke, the other classmate, said awkwardly after about two minutes of sustained silence. “So, uh, you’re Professor Acanthis, right?”
“You can call me Dan,” Dan said.
“Yeah, but you teach the fieldwork for nonmajors class, right?”
“Yeah,” Dan said. “Why?”
“Is it particularly hard?” Luke asked. “I mean, work-intensive. I’m setting up my schedule for next semester.”
Dan paused, trying to think about that. “I just started teaching it this semester. I think it’s pretty light, but you’re better off asking one of my students.”
“He means it’s very easy,” Jay said tonelessly. “Acanthis, tell him your late work policy.”
“It’s Dan,” Dan said. “As long as it’s in before the end of the semester, I don’t take points off late work.”
“They meet once a week, there’s a lab report due but you can work on it in the class, and it’s for nonmajors,” Jay added. “Very easy class. If you want an easy A you should take it.”
“Huh,” Luke said. “Thanks… Jaaaaaames?”
“Jay,” Jay said, but now that Dan was listening he pronounced it a little oddly, sort of more like ‘Joy’ than ‘Jay’. “Luke, right?”
“Yeah,” Luke said. “Are you planning on taking it next semester? I thought you and Professor Acanthis had… um.”
“Drama?” Jay asked, and laughed under his breath. “No, it’s nothing serious, but I’m on the pre-med track. Have to take macrobio field instead. I’m only in class with Doc Maragou because it qualified as an elective.”
“What’s the deal, actually?” Luke said. “Like, if you don’t mind me asking, because I heard you guys were really, uh… but you seem chill now.”
“Like I said,” Jay said, “it’s nothing serious. Me and Acanthis have a couple disagreements over… I don’t know, I don’t want to get into it. And a friend of a friend was talking shit about me that he believed, but I think we’re over that. Mostly it’s personality clash.”
“It’s not personality clash,” Dan said. “He’s fucked over a few friends of mine and won’t stop doing it.”
Jay raised his eyebrows at Luke, who smiled rather tightly back. “It is really not that serious. He doesn’t like that I don’t do what he tells me. I get it. I don’t like to be told what to do. It’s a personality clash. We’re working it out. This time next year, I imagine you won’t even hear that me and Acanthis were arguing.”
“Huh,” Luke said. “Right.”
Dan willed himself not to argue, even though that was blatantly untrue. He didn’t need to hash the whole thing out in front of a human audience. Fortunately, about that point Bernie came back around. “We can’t figure the problem out,” she said through the driver’s-side door, “so you three might as well come out. I’m not sure what we’re going to do here.”
“Damn,” Luke said.
“It’s a bit of a walk,” Jay said, “and it’ll get us there a little late, but we could take the Six over to Riverside.”
Dan turned to look at him, uncomprehending. He could see the other three do the same.
“The bus,” Jay said. “Don’t any of you go anywhere?”
“I only take the campus shuttle,” Luke said. “Sorry.”
“Huh,” Jay said. “Anyway, if that’s the plan, we should probably get moving. If we miss the bus we’re going to be waiting for a good hour for the next one.”
“I think the event ends at eight,” Bernie said.
“And it’s, what, six now?” Jay said. “So we’ll basically miss it. I don’t particularly want to do that,” he said, making eye contact with Dan with a weird little sedate smile on his face, “so unless anyone has objections, let’s get moving.”
“How far of a walk is it?” Bernie asked.
Jay shrugged. “Maybe a few miles? It’s at the transit center. Do you know where I mean?”
“Oh!” Bernie said. “Okay, I think I can do that.”
“Fan-ta-stic,” Jay said. “Luke, Sophia, you two on board?”
“Yeah, sure,” Sophia said.
“You didn’t ask Dan,” Luke said.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Jay said. “He’s going to follow me no matter what I ask him.”
“Oo-kay,” Luke said. “Yeah, I’ll come.”
Jay smiled, waving a hand and starting to walk rather briskly. “Alright. We have half an hour. Let’s move.”
Dan had never walked between the campus and the transit center like this before. This part of Spokane—of Washington, really—was gorgeous. Jay kept them hurrying along the side of the road, but Dan and Sophia kept slowing down to look at the trees or the rock faces or the rivers and falling behind. Dan wished he could say it was intentional, but it really was just that beautiful. And because they kept stopping at the same things, he and Sophia had started talking, aimlessly commenting on the trees and the water.
Then the road they were walking along turned into a bridge, high over a wide waterfall. All of them stopped, even Jay.
“This reminds me of where I grew up,” Sophia said to Dan. “I was walking distance from Wairere as a kid.”
Jay turned as though that had caught his attention. “Wairere Falls?”
“You’ve been there?” Sophia asked, looking a bit surprised. “Yeah.”
“They were more impressive than this, I think,” Jay said. “I don’t know, the last time I was in New Zealand was nearly thirty years ago.”
“Aotearoa,” Sophia said.
“Couldn’t have been,” Luke said, at about the same time. “How old are you?”
Jay laughed. “You think someone with a face as plastic as mine looks my age? I appreciate the vote of confidence. I’m pushing forty.”
Was that his cover? That he’d just undergone a bunch of surgeries?
“Oh, wow,” Bernie said. “What did you do before you decided to go into medicine?”
Jay glanced sidelong at Dan. “Professional fishing. Do you still need a moment to ogle?”
“Not hassling us to get moving again already?” Dan asked.
“We’ve got a little time,” Jay said.
“You were on us the whole way here,” Sophia said, still staring at the falls.
“Yeah, because I knew you were all going to stare here. It’s a nice waterfall. Take your time. I’ll tell you when we really have to get a move on.”
Dan turned that one over in his head for a moment. Was Jay expecting him to have delayed more intensely? Was that what that actually was? Or was this actually a moment of… what, generosity in disguise? Jay was such a strange person.
It was a nice waterfall, though, and the water below it looked deep and clear. Dan walked to the part of the railing Jay was leaning on, trying to look subtle, and leaned over. “Between the two of us, we’re the only ones who can breathe under water.”
“I can’t, actually,” Jay said. “I don’t breathe at all.”
Dan stopped, looking at him properly. Jay shrugged. “No lungs. Don’t breathe.”
“But you can  live under water, right?” Dan did his best to clarify.
“Yeah, that I can,” Jay said. “What about it?”
“Have you ever gone over a waterfall like that? If you’re here, and you were in New Zealand around waterfalls.”
Now it was Jay’s turn to look at Dan oddly. “I have, actually. Not often, but I have. Are you about to ask me for advice?”
“I just… wonder, I guess,” Dan said. “Does this one look like it’d be good to jump off of?”
Jay was quiet for a moment, studying the water. “Well, depends what you mean by good. You’ll probably get spun really hard. Impacting the water will probably hurt, but you don’t want to dive or anything here, or you’ll risk hitting the bottom, I think, it doesn’t look that deep to me.”
“You could’ve just said no,” Dan said.
“Those are the only problems. If you don’t like being disoriented, that’s on you,” Jay said. “The water is clean and clear and there’s no rocky outcroppings to hit yourself into. It’s pretty damn good, as far as these things go.”
“Sounds kind of unpleasant.”
“It’s  one of those things,” Jay said, turning toward the other three. “If you liked it, you’d probably already know that by now, and if you don’t, you’ve never thought about it. I’m not sure what kind of thrill-seeking mer adolescents get up to, though.”
“Me either, really. I lived most of my life on land after I turned twelve.”
“Huh,” Jay said. “That’s why you’re like this.”
“Like what?” Dan started, but Jay was already walking toward the other three. “Jay!”
“We’re going to get moving again, guys,” Jay said, waving. Bernie, Luke and Sophia reluctantly fell into step behind Jay again. Dan, for his part, hurried up to stand next to him so he could ask what the fuck Jay was talking about.
“What do you mean, that’s why I’m ‘like that?’”
“Do you want them hearing? I thought your being here meant you had to be super hush-hush.”
“Honestly, I’ve been wondering this whole time. Why don’t you?”
Jay gave him a disbelieving look. “Obviously I’m supposed to.”
“Well—you’re not, and no one’s tried to arrest you yet.”
“You’d be surprised at how low-profile I can be. Plastic surgery,” he said, tapping the ridges of flesh around his eyes, “tattoos, nail polish, and sometimes I can pass the horns off as a headband. Sometimes, if I’m really worried,” he glanced back at the other three, “they’re not looking. Watch this.”
Dan turned toward him, not sure what he was about to do, and was completely unprepared for his horns to just—sink back into the top of his forehead seemingly of their own volition. “What—?”
“It’s uncomfortable, though,” Jay said, replacing them with a gesture that looked more like spitting something out than horns protruding through his face. They were now streaked with some sort of bluish, viscous fluid, like dish soap. Jay ran his hands over them, and then rubbed his hands together, and when he went back to talking neither the horns nor his hands were wet.
“Neat trick,” Dan said, totally astonished.
“Handy, yeah,” Jay said. “Look, not that I’m not appreciating the conversation not suddenly being you yelling in my face and all, but can I ask what prompted the change of heart?”
“No hearts have been changed. I don’t want you to eat my fish,” Dan said. “But I can’t see a way to stop you getting to the aquarium, so I guess I’ll just have to tag around all night like you said I was going to. Might as well make it a little fun, right?”
“I suppose that makes sense,” Jay said slowly, not looking as though he understood at all.
-
The bus was miserable, but the aquarium was fantastic, so it balanced out. Dan did tail Jay the whole time, though Jay obligingly let Dan pick over the remnants of the sushi bar before they went around to the exhibits instead of trying to lose Dan so he could go start snatching schooling fish or something. Dan asked him if he wanted anything, concerned as he was for the live fish in the exhibits; Jay demurred. Something about a food allergy, or something; Dan wasn’t sure exactly what he meant but he sure made it sound like there wasn’t anything at the table that wouldn’t somehow make him sick.
Jay was fascinated by the first-floor exhibits that looked like classrooms. Eventually they made it to the second floor, after Jay had done a long loop around the expansive ground level and spent a lot of time in the touch-tank mumbling to a nervous epaulette shark until he could coax it up toward him. Dan didn’t like it then, but it hadn’t been sinister after all, and he was trying to relax. But just after they made it to the second floor, Jay slipped off into the shadows, and Dan just barely caught up to him before Jay—with Dan’s keys—slipped behind the Employees Only door and beckoned for Dan to follow.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” Dan hissed, as soon as he was inside. “They’ll kick you out if you’re back here.”
“Not if I’m with you,” Jay said, which wasn’t true.
“Yes, they will. And they’ll revoke my clearance.”
“Come on. I want to talk to the nursery sharks.”
“Absofuckinglutely not,” Dan said. “I’ll tell on both of us.”
“What the fuck is the big idea?” Jay said. “Look, you can hear both sides of the conversation. And they’re nursery sharks, and I’m not even hungry. I’m curious about living in those drowned fake rooms. Do you know which tank we should be looking for?”
“We’re not doing this,” Dan said.
“Alright, I’ll find out without you,” Jay shrugged, and started walking. Dan reached out to grab Jay’s arm, and—
Well. Dan didn’t actually know what happened, only that his hand closed on solid-ish flesh, and then it was suddenly not solid under his hand at all, and Jay had sort of just pulled away around his fingers. Weird.
“You can come with me or you can stay there, but you’re not grabbing me in private,” Jay said. “I’m not interested in being yanked around, I don’t give a damn how worried you are about the fish. I’m not even going to put my face near the water.”
With deep misgivings, Dan hurried up and followed behind Jay. “It’s, um, door seven. The exhibit you want.”
“Thank you,” Jay said, sounding legitimately a little bit surprised. “Appreciate it.”
“Don’t expect a repeat,” Dan said. “And I will be warning them about you later.”
Jay hummed, pushing through the door slowly. Beyond, they could hear the pump and the water splashing.
Jay bent down by the side of the tank, reaching out with one hand. “This is going to look strange.”
“Everything you do looks strange,” Dan started, but he was right—it did look real fucking strange. The palm of his hand… uncoiled? Rippled and widened? And from the inside came slightly luminescent blue tendrils, about a half-inch wide each and visibly very soft, and slick with some sort of fluid with the consistency of honey, or maybe laundry detergent. He stuck these into the water without a worry, and then said, not too loudly, “Hey. Up here.”
Abruptly Dan remembered the lures. “You have those inside you? You feed them to the fish!”
“Sometimes they’re hungry,” Jay said.
“What are they, worms?” Dan asked. “Some sort of… fungus?”
Jay looked up from the water to squint at him. “Are you trying to fuck with me? Like, is that a joke?”
“What?”
Jay reached over with his normal hand and grabbed one tendril firmly, and then pulled. Hard, actually, hard enough that Dan thought it looked like it had to hurt, and then with a quiet squelching sound a small octagonal segment of his gray skin pulled free from the side of his hand and so did the tendril, still moving freely. “It’s me. I feel like that should be obvious, if the fish were reporting on me to you. That one bass got a good mouthful of my leg a few months ago.”
“What are those?” someone else said, and Jay and Dan both jumped and turned to see that there was a small nursery shark staring up at the both of them. Dan wasn’t terribly familiar with her, but he thought her name started with an s sound, or maybe an m. “Can I eat them?”
“Sure,” Jay said.
“They make fish sick,” Dan said quickly. “Better not.”
“They make fish sick?” Jay repeated. “They shouldn’t. Just drowsy, maybe.”
“Dizzy and sick, is what they told me.”
Jay looked down at his own hand curiously. “So, I’m Jay.” He said it oddly again. Maybe Dan was mispronouncing it. “My friend here is Dan.”
“Danistei,” Dan said, because he gave his real name to the fishes, thank you, and then registered that Jay had said his actual name.
“What’s your name?” Jay continued, as though nothing had happened.
“Svisa,” said the nursery shark.
“Nice to meet you, Svisa,” Dan started.
“We’re delighted you’ll speak to us,” Jay continued, coming very close to cutting Dan off. “I have a couple questions about the environment.”
“Oh, like he’s always asking,” Svisa said.
“Probably,” Jay said. “Do you know what your environment is a replica of?”
“It’s a replica?” Svisa said.
“It’s a replica of a human classroom,” Jay said, rapid-fire. “Thank you, Svisa. What do you think of the lighting on the side of the wall?”
“Oh, he really is always asking that one. It’s fine.”
“You come here from anywhere interesting?”
“Not really,” Svisa said.
“Captive-bred,” Dan cut in. “Svisa, are you bored?”
“A little bit,” Svisa said. “Nothing left in here to catch, and I know all the hiding places. When it’s light out, I can watch the other tank, but they’re dimming everything now.”
“They’re dimming everything,” Jay repeated. “Okay, Dan, up, let’s get out of here before we get caught.”
“Caught,” Svisa repeated.
“We’re not technically supposed to be back here right now,” Dan explained hastily, getting up. “Thank you so much for chatting, Svsia. Jay, was that what you wanted to know?”
“One last question,” Jay said. “How dark are the hiding places?”
“Dark enough,” Svisa said, delicately closing her jaws on a big chunk of Jay’s exposed tendrils. They sheared off cleanly, and started to leak thinner, less viscous blue fluid into the water; Jay rapidly curled them back up without even a hiss. “You’re leaving, I’ll see you some other time.”
“Me, maybe,” Dan muttered. “Jay, if she gets sick, I’m holding you to account for it.”
“She should be fine. It’s like weed,” Jay said. “Bye, Svisa, thanks for talking. Might see you again, might not. I’m curious about the way it feels down there. Dan, hitting the road?”
Dan sighed and followed behind Jay, and the two of them stepped out of the tank room and then into the Employees Only hall and then back into the rest of the museum. It was dim. “What time is it?”
“You have a phone, don’t you?” Jay said, but he was pulling his own out as he said it. “Eight ten.”
“They closed up fast,” Dan noted, a little surprised. “I wasn’t expecting them to kick everyone out and turn the lights off ten minutes after the event ended.”
Jay shrugged. “Maybe they’re just efficient. Let’s make sure they didn’t lock us in.”
They hadn’t, so the two of them walked out the doors and tried not to look suspicious. Or at least Dan tried; Jay looked casual as anything, sauntering out confidently.
“Stop looking over your shoulder,” Jay murmured out of the corner of his mouth, and Dan straightened up. “No, that’s worse, you look even more like you’re sneaking into the pantry to steal cookies or something. Do you just not do this sort of thing?”
“No, I don’t,” Dan said.
Jay paused. “Why were you messing with me so much, then? Starting out strong for your first few bits of mischief?”
“I,” Dan said, trying to wrap his head around that. “It was about the fish. It has always been about the fish.”
“But you had to know I wasn’t going to go after the fish in a new aquarium,” Jay said, sounding almost stupefied. “Right?”
What? “What? No.”
“If I’m going to an aquarium, there’s going to be close monitoring, people around,” Jay said. “And it’s not like they’re filling, anyway. Obviously I’d just go pick someone off in an alley beforehand, if it was that big a deal.”
“I told you, I don’t like you eating the wild fish either,” Dan said. “But I guess—”
“Fish?” Jay repeated. “No, I mean—” And then he stopped, and turned to gesture Dan toward an alley. “Come take a detour with me.”
“What do you mean, not fish?” Dan said, following easily.
Jay looked Dan up and down, still walking. The alley was longer than Dan expected. “I know you said something, at some point, about the ‘patterns,’” and here he made air-quotes with his fingers, “of the way that I ate the fish being ‘creepy.’”
“Yeah, because they are,” Dan said. “I mean, I might’ve been judging you wrong, but it still seems real fucking creepy to me. I don’t really get—”
Jay raised a hand and cut Dan off. “And I read into that, I think. I thought you meant the patterns I ate everything with were creepy.”
“I mean,” Dan started. “I don’t know.”
Jay smiled oddly, waving for Dan to walk a little faster. “And I thought to myself that that was fair, because you were right. And I didn’t know how much you’d told anyone, or how much trouble I’d be in if you had.”
“Jay. What are you getting at.”
“Fish are very unsatisfying, you know.” Jay sighed. “They don’t have much to talk about. Their secrets are inconsequential and not very interesting. And, now, I have a problem, the kind you’re not likely to have heard of. “
“Where are you leading me?”
“You’ll see,” Jay said. The alleyway had gotten so dark that it was difficult to make out anything except for the points of light reflecting off his eyes from the distant billboards on the street. “I need a secret—given freely—before I can eat my fill. Makes it had to order off the dinner menu. Told myself, hey, hospice care, that’s got to be the gig for me. But it doesn’t leave me a lot of time to hunt. So I’ve been scavenging the fishtanks. But do you know what one of the first things you told me was?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Dan stopped walking.
“This explains why threatening you didn’t seem to do anything,” Jay said. “Did you even know I was threatening you?”
“When the hell were you threatening me?”
“That’s what I mean,” Jay said. “I’m full, now, I’m not eating anything. Or anyone. But you know what I’m getting at, don’t you?”
Dan shook his head. “You eat fish, and you’re implying you’ll eat me.”
“About the gist of it, yeah,” Jay said. “Keep walking, we’re going to get to the bus stop a few blocks early. I didn’t want to take you through here if you already knew I was likely to maybe eat you. Didn’t need that kind of thing getting me in trouble, you understand. You cannot do anything about me, but if you decided to start running and screaming it would’ve made my life inconvenient.”
“Are you,” Dan said, trying to find the polite term for it. “Are you a… person with a vamparasitic affliction?”
“Am I a what?” Jay said. “Vamparasitic affliction? Can you not say vampire now?”
“I think it’s offensive,” Dan said.
“If I were a vampire I wouldn’t be offended,” Jay said. “But no. I’m an obligate carnivore under a curse, but it’s a different one. You’ve seen me walk in the sunlight.”
“Can you eat garlic?”
“I can’t eat any plants.”
Dan could start to see the lights at the end of the walkway now. “Why do you eat people, if you can just eat fish?”
Jay looked at Dan for a moment, and despite the low light Dan thought he could see Jay’s needle-sharp teeth glinting in a very sharp smile. “Why does anyone prefer to eat anything? Just tastes better.”
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