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sofwen · 5 years

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A MESSAGE TO ROXANNE ANDERTON, SAVED ON THE DESKTOP OF ONE OF MY HACKED LAPTOPS, WHERE SHE COULD ACCESS IT AND READ IT.

ENTITLED ‘GIANT’

(Autumn 2014)

There are certain essential things which were a mystery to me before, however much they intrigued me, which have since become as clear to me and as certain as the sensation of the ground beneath my naked feet.

The pattern is so impossibly intricate, so impossibly infinite, that the mind can't fathom it in life.

I was shown things, within and without. I heard no voices, and saw nothing unusual.

I was physically thrown to the floor, and something poured into me which was more than knowledge.

There were four of us in the room, it happened to all of us. To different degrees.

Since then, the world has a new aspect to it.

As if I'd been introduced to a new colour, or met an absolute silence for the first time.

The notion and experience of lack was an illusion. Only abundance.

The notion of God as Authority is childish and clumsy. The knowledge of God is knowledge of enormous powerful love and humour. His power is larger than nature, He IS and denial of Him is Impossible.

Rebelling against one's own nature, and body, and mind is futile. We're always returned to ourselves. Atheism is just delay.

God is mournful not moral. God nudges and moulds, until we judge ourselves, and gently. The pain of sin is suffered slowly over lifetimes, endlessly moving towards the strength required to be humble and redeem ourselves.

Everything is paradoxical.

God is Love, and terrifying in His consolations.Because he does console and love beyond scope, size and magnitude that I became filled with hope for everyone and frightened I would be killed by the emotion. It was too big for my heart.

Call Him whatever you want, He doesn't care.

Since that day, it's happened twice more on a large scale and suddenly (with others and witnesses). And most days in smaller, gentler ways. Also there have been a great deal of strange occurrences around me, small events but prolific (almost always witnessed, by various changing witnesses). And telepathy, precognition, small scale telekinesis. It's frightening, and humorous. It's entirely benevolent, and only works to encourage the better side of my nature.

My use of Tarot is my fascination with that present pattern and our interaction and relationship with it. I don't need to seek it out and bother it as much as I do, but it responds generously so it interests me. I have physical sensations when reading Tarot, which is something that happens to me now whenever anything significant is happening mentally or emotionally around me or within me (and this is a completely new thing for me, nor anything I'd ever heard of before).

I've been tempted and goaded by negativity and violent urges. I'm being helped with that, it seems, when it gets particularly difficult.

I'm physically very tired, because it's disorientating and draining. But I'm buoyed up and strengthened by the fantastical and completely unexpected news that this Godmind is demonstrable and intervenes.

I have been told certain things, which I expect to occur. But my vision is very very partial, and I don't know how long the path from here to there is. Or what other obstacles are in the way.It's not even my vision, it's the vision of the Giant, or whatever you want to name it, and I don't know why he shared it with me. I assumed it was for it to be communicated to others.

I have anxiety, hatred, weakness, despair because I'm a very flawed human being.

But I have a better understanding of their irrelevance now, and it's easier for me to overcome them.

Faith is the only response to the overwhelming and weird presence and evidence I've received, so I have Faith of course that whatever comes of all things we're Held.

It's a very beautiful, grieving and wry Mind.

The Demonic, if you call it that, is not in equal opposition. It's weak, a dog on a lead. And no damnation is ever eternal.

I've been offered certainty, and I don't know why or what to do with it for anybody else. People see and hear what they want to see and hear, and it's not my place to persuade people anyway.

A lifetime of reading, a towering intellect, the dissection and debate of ideas won't bring a person closer to this. It's like a new sense has awoken in the body, and words will only ever be approximate.

I've had a huge and very damaging amount of Fear and Rage to experience, and shed. I'm not entirely there, yet.

But what's happened is, I've been saved.

(No church, no rites, no text. Head, Heart, Hand.)

And that's the fucking crazy story of the last twelve months of my life.

* REWORK THIS (TWEET IT?)

* She's writing about repentance, and delusions of spiritual importance / being the chosen one. I'm constantly frustrated at lack of communication, although no communication would probably ever be heard or listened to anyway.

I also knows she plays with me. A cold clear mind, a child's need. More than one personality. More than one colour in her head.

I want her to understand that what happened to me, didn't just happen to me. I was no more special than anybody else it happened to. Why did it happen at all? I don't know. Something to do with the intensity of feeling. The intensity of mood, of prayer. Me screaming out for help, intervention guidance.

It seemed to happen not because of me, or who I am, but because of the kind of emotions I was carrying. Because of the feelings of love, concern and protectiveness I felt towards her despite her threat, violation and enjoyment of my fear. It seemed to come because I called it with the intensity of what I felt, and it seemed to confirm me in my emotion. I said that she believed in nothing, that she was profoundly nihilistic but that she was a very precious and important chess piece. When I said that, lights went out and people became frightened (this was a different occasion).

When it happened it was not telling me that I was important, but that my love for her was important and that I was right to stand by it regardless of threat, mockery, provocation or the possibility of strategic denial. It was telling me that she was important and that she should be loved, regardless.

And that could be done without being submissive to violation, but in strength and in honesty.

Also, everyone else who was there had their own experience which was entirely private, to do with themselves and nothing to do with me.

I'm trying to have faith enough to let her decide to go in to her own self destruction, because I know that she will be loved and looked after whatever happens to her. Because if my heart can hold that despite knowing her mind and knowing what she has enjoyed doing to me, and then THIS Giant experience can happen to me because of it, she is completely and utterly and always safe in His care.

I love her, but my love has hurt her because of her relationship to love, trust, hatred, power, control, violation, rejection.

And so her love has hurt me.

His love never fails.

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