#but yea kept it together didnt say anything didnt ruin my bffs bday
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#brain ran out of wwdits hype juoce and now i am profoundly sad#it is just cause its late but man....😔#I'm thinking about my shit 20th birthday#sent a 'hey its my bday does anyone wanna go for drinks' text to the gc (sweating hands shaking almost passed out muted my phone for 8hrs)#and then everyone came and talked about their own relationship/mental health issues for like max 3hrs and then went home#and last week my best friend had her 20th bday#and the other friends had like. baked a cake gotten her gifts wrote cards#and like i know im not as close w the other ones as my bff is#but man it did sting a lot#at one point one of em said like 'we did all this because we care about you we wouldnt do it if we didnt care'#and ngl i almost cried then and there#but yea kept it together didnt say anything didnt ruin my bffs bday#and the rest of the party was rly fun#but it just#i wish i had friends like that#and ik im not like. like i dont know how to talk n stuff ik im not as easy to be friends with i know im super anxious n awkward like always#but like#u didnt have to say the whole 'we wouldnt do this if we didnt care'#on my birthday i cried from like 3am to 6am and then pulled myself together and went to a hotel breakfast w no sleep#and like. didnt even feel like shit in the morning so it turned out ok in the end i guess#but looking back it was kind of. fucked up#but yea even the fact that im thinking about it now means i should just go to sleep probably#or i guess i didnt ever rly process it but still#lets hope writing this to my diary (the internet where everyone can see it)#releases some of the pent up. stuff#yeaj#my post#vent#rant#whichever it is
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