#by trying to squish and bargain and rationalize the queer out of me
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#gods it is. really annoying how being autistic interacts with trauma#i'm in a house with relatives and every time someone enters the room i'm in i lose all capacity for focusing on work#because i'm hyperfocusing on the person who entered the room. are they going to walk over? are they going to figure out that i'm queer? etc.#(i mean at least some of them already know that i'm queer they just pretend not to but y'know)#like literally anything changing about my immediate surroundings literally anyone present is so LOUD to my brain#the thing is i'm normally not all that sensitive to noise and movement at all! like i get work done in public places all the time#but my brain is convinced that if i let myself get absorbed in what i'm working on and tune out the distractions i will be in grave danger#like i must notice every noise and pay attention every time something moves in my peripheral vision.#and i must go into high alert every time a family member enters the room. even if they're just here to go about their business#and like. my brain's kinda right about all that. because every time my family notices a trace of queerness on me it eventually leads into#them forcing me to come out to them#and every time they force me to come out to them they immediately respond#by trying to squish and bargain and rationalize the queer out of me#but it's so annoying because the stuff i'm working on is only tangential to queerness anyways#and also this constant distraction thing is REALLY bad when mixed with adhd bc. like.#the whole thing with adhd and executive dysfunction is that it's easy to keep going once you've started but it's hard to start#and having to restart every time someone enters the room is extremely not good for my work speed#anyways#i'm very very behind on work rn#i want to scream#venting
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