#can you tell im doing better mentally? i can indulge in my hyperfixations again

[biipbop]

I feel like my Jun hc doesn't align with fanon Jun.

Like I compare him a lot to Ruan Nanzhu from KoD but I really do see them being the same kind of brat. The kind to act cute and docile while snickering in the background. And to a degree if you see him snickering it means he probably likes you to some degree to see the real version of him.

I like the idea of Jun being cute towards Tatsuya and getting him to flirt in front of other people. Tatsuya would be shy about it at first but want to indulge his boyfriend. Jun would want him to do it both because he's possessive ("uwu isn't my boyfriend sooooo handsome? Well keep looking cause he loves me and only me") and because he wants to tease his boyfriend. Tatsuya would soon come to realize this and of course would just lay it on thicker and try to get his boyfriend to blush.

He and Lisa would be best friends in the long run but have the most toxic mean girl start before realizing they're so much more powerful together. They're both outsiders so they get the need to be a certain level of mean especially towards people who act on bad faith. But they wont realize that until they're adults. Until then they're friends but they do try to outshine each other and fight over a boy. When lisa eventually gets over Tatsuya she'll try and flirt with other boys. Jun would have 0 interest in them but would 100% flirt with them just to one up Lisa. It would be a problem between him and Tatsuya. It would be their first real fight as a couple. And a good growing moment for Jun.

When they're adults and more well adapted Jun and Lisa will be able to sit down and have a difficult conversation where they'll be able to forgive each other for their actions when they were younger. It'll be the start of their best friend era. They're the kind of best friends who will call each other everyday just to see how their day went. Lisa would be the one to teach him to express himself through fashion. He would have a secret interest in visual kei thanks to eikichi. Lisa would be the one that teaches him that clothes have no gender (in the future when eikichi Tatsuya and Jun start performing Jun would be iconic for his outfits)

Eikichi is protective of Jun and Jun takes full advantage of that. "My big brother can kick your ass" leads to Eikichi getting his ass kicked more often than he wants to admit before he starts working out. His first and only attack is lifting Jun over his shoulder before hauling ass out of the scene. Jun is all devil horns when it comes to Eikichi. All his fights would never be against bigger guys. He would instead target girls (mostly Lisa) knowing eikichi would not fight back.

Eikichi is also unfortunate in that he never really understands that his bros are dating. Not in the sense that he doesn't know Tatsuya and Jun are dating but in the sense that he doesn't realize they're on a date and he just wedged himself between. It becomes a problem early on that the two can't get alone time between Lisa trying to sabotage their dates and eikichi just being there. Jun, in hopes of making eikichi understand, would start some excessive pda. Eikichi still would not understand. He at most would turn his back to them before continuing the conversation. Eventually this is just normal to them. On tour during their broke era the 3 would share a room. There would be at least 3 incidents where tatsuya and Jun would have sex in the room with eikichi in the room before they all realize maybe they need to set boundaries. They never actually set boundaries.

Also, miyabi is very aware of all this. The need to set a boundary is brought up by her. ("I don't think either of you would be comfortable with Eikichi and I sleeping together while you're trying to sleep" 3 confused faces would stare back at her "but Id be sleeping?") When in highschool Jun would plan double dates only for Eikichi to show up alone. Jun would later learn that if he wanted Miyabi to show up he would have to plan the double date through Miyabi. It isn't anything intentionally malicious. Eikichi just thinks they're having boys dates forgetting that the other 2 boys are boyfriends.

With Maya Jun is pure sugar. He goes full baby boy energy. Maya knows the horns are there and can see it when adding another person to their interactions (especially Tatsuya. As cute as he acts with Tatsuya he can't help but tease him and Maya can see it clearly). He can never be a little mean to Maya so Maya teases him knowing he'll never do anything back.

This is all super rambly but I have no other idea how to express how I see him besides trying to get across that while he's a pretty boy he'd also be a stinky boy. The kind who wears all black and steals his friends clothes. He knows how pretty he is and the older he gets the more he uses it to his advantage to start drama and walk away. He would be the type who would see someone checking him out and if they have a partner would come up to flirt and then walk away from a disaster. The type who gets himself into trouble and then laugh as they away with the person who came to save him.

The type who would be a nightmare teenager that smokes and drinks and goes out late at night. Not sneak out because he lacks the adult supervision but would for sure be out late at night. Probably sneak into Tatsuya's room if Tatsuya can't sneak out, or go to music venues with eikichi if they can.

And as corny as it is I love the idea of them becoming more tamed with becoming a parent (bc y'all know I love that flower child au). Tamed not in the sense where they suddenly become perfect parents but in the sense that they would work hard to hide the fact that they smoke. Going to extreme measures to make sure Akira never catches them smoking. Eventually Tatsuya would quit and Jun would follow just because he wants to be a supportive husband. Jun would regret all his social media posts and fame when Akira gets older. Everyone jokes how Jun is being punished for his own antics when Akira takes after him personality wise (dramatic and bratty).

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!