#cant wait to get stabbed thru the heart all over again

[caffeled]

shaking like a rabid chihuahua in anticipation for the new sao movie bc it's takin things from the top but from the reboot/rewrite of the first novel where side characters get more development & kirito n asuna actually get more time together to get to know each other. for all the eugh that's in the original & that got added in the anime, there is So much good & So much potential in there & i was, alas, hooked on this shit from the 2nd episode of s1 so. im making it everyone else's problem.

[theotherbloodfart]

A Forest Frolic

This one shot is for @sewer-clown-hype

WARNING: VIOLENCE, MILD GORE, LISPING

My repeat jams for this were Smocking Gun by Jay Kill and I Against I by Massive Attack

@ithoughtiwasan-alien it's a Penny

Her eyes shine out into leaf smattered moon rays. She knows he is here. Can feel his presence as surely as she can feel the sway and call of her own heart beat. A sound she knows he will capitalize on.

Her breathe steams out into the night air in soft billowing puffs. Silent. But she knows he will see them. Almost wants him to see them. Is ready for the tension to snap. He’d said she could not hide.

And maybe she doesn’t even WANT to hide.

A slithering hiss rustles the undergrowth to her right. Her sharp vision pierces into the thick foliage which comprises most of the woodland around her home. She sees nothing. Crouching low, claws extending softly and needle sharp, she creeps forward, tilting her head to listen intently. She reaches a long clawed hand upward as a feathery leaf upon a branch brushes against her cheek, tickling her skin, brushing it away.

And hears dark laughter inside her own mind.

“I can see you beastie. Cant hide from me! No you can’t!” His words melt into snickers. She feels her alertness melt into ire.

“Alright, asshole. Let’s dance.” She leaps out of her cover gracefully, landing smooth and level straight, feet together, arms spread wide at her sides, palms out, claws extended.

And she sees him. But only for a moment. He’s in a very low squat, craggy branches nearly obscuring his form. His ochre eyes shine out in the darkness. The moonlight accentuates his high set cheekbones and highlights the dark lines cutting up thru his eyes. His face is skeletal in this light. Beastly. She pounces.

But he is waiting.

She glides down, stabbing her claws forward. He is expecting this, yet still doesn’t manage to jerk backwards quite fast enough to avoid a rapid slash to his cheek. His arm snaps forward, his elegant long gloved fingers wrapping around her neck, squeezing it mercilessly, before slamming her down into the damp rotten leaves on the ground. She hears raspy chuckles as he rubs her nose into the leafy detritus.

“Eat it.” He’s cackling. Her vision grows fuzzy from rage. Shove her face into the dirt???

Her arm reaches up, digging her claws into the soft tissue under his jaw, yanking down. Pressing her other hand into the damp soil she shoves her upper body up. A satisfying crunch grinds out as his nose breaks upon his own hand grasping her neck.

The snarl he rasps out tickles her finger tips, which are embedded in the floor of his mouth, her claws pinning his fluttering tongue to his palette. His fingers grasp the hair at her scalp as he stands, twisting his body to throw her away from himself. She feels her claws scrape and hook into his jawbone. Feels this break as well. Then watches the dark trees spin around her as her body twists thru the air.

With a huff she straightens her body, bloody claws reaching out to catch a thick branch, using the momentum to spin around and land softly upon her feet.

He’s already advancing upon her, a dark shape with glowing eyes. She can hear cracking wet sounds as his jaw knits itself together and his nose begins to heal. He’s pissed. His gibbering snarls croak and then change pitch, getting deeper. His body writhes to a stop before her, his face splitting into an obscene toothy grin. His chest jerks forward as his spine lengthens. His arms flop forward, his claws sliding into the soil as he leans forward and puts nearly all of his weight onto his fingertips. His eyes meet hers as, one at a time, his legs extend and lengthen with dry snapping sounds.

“Time to grow up.” Raspy demonic cackles as his lower jaw, still not completely healed, snaps forward, extending from his face obscenely as his face bubbles forward more slowly to follow suit. He’s already nearly 3 times her size. Still in a jerking, morphing four legged crouch, he extends a clawed hand, stepping towards her.

Shit. She backs away blindly, her posture defensive. Tripping over an exposed root and falling onto her back. Fuck. Scrambling to her feet. Pennywise arches his creaking back like a kitten and massive pops are heard as his spine crunches another 3 feet longer. Shitfuck. She is gonna have to either react or be bite sized.

She freezes. Waiting. A plan forming haphazardly inside her mind. Pennywise continues to bubble forward, dipping and swaying as different body parts increase in size. He’s still on all fours. As if he’s too lop sided to stand. Or simply too entertained by the expression on her face to stand and have tree branches impeding his view of it.

“C'mon junior.” Sammy brings her fists up to her chest, extending her forefingers and wagging them. Motioning him to come. “C’mon that’s a good boy.”

Foam sprays from his jagged teeth as he snarls irritably. “Beastie has a smart mouth.” His eyes are luminous above her. Her neck cranes higher as he slowly approaches, his body smooth and fully formed.

“At least one of us is smart.” She quips. He roars and leaps.

She leaps as well, her body morphing and changing much more rapidly and smoothly than his had. Warm tingles ripple down her skin as her pelt feathers out of her pores. A wonderful stretching feeling flows thru her muscles as her own body stretches and morphs to that of her wolf. And that luscious feeling one has as their back is cracked by a chiropractor. This is the only way she can describe the feeling of her own size increase. At least…… if she’d ever been to one she supposes and barks a laugh. All in a few moments as she flies up to meet him. Paw to claw. Blow for blow.

They meet midair. Clashing in a violent embrace of jingling bells and rippling fur. Metallic snapping sounds ring out as tooth and fang collide. Pennywise’s sharp buck teeth lay Sammy's gums open and the taste of blood fills her mouth. Sammy yanks her face back only to wrap her jaws around his face, biting down. The moonlight sparkles off sprays of his black blood as it floats away in large droplets. She feels sharp pains in her chest as his claws dig between her ribs then agony as a claw pierces one of her lungs. She releases his face to howl in pain.

Bushes quiver and shake as her large voice pours out. She is nearly as large as a bus now and he is even larger, so there is no clearance as branches rip and scrape her eyes, making each pained cry that much more unbearable. Pennywise does not release her. He tanks her closer still, nuzzling his torn and bloody face into the soft black fur underneath her tufted ear. “Such a big beautiful beastie.” His gasping deep snarling voice hisses before he rips her ear off with his teeth. The shredding feeling makes her howls morph into massive yelps.

Now she wraps her own forelegs around him, claws scraping at the spine on his costume as she jerks her hind legs up off the ground, bringing her hind paws up between them to press on his chest. The unexpected shift of weight and balance makes him fall forwards upon her. As his weight lands upon her she releases with her forelegs and pushes off with her hind legs. This sends him in a backwards flip away from her. His body snaps thru a small tree before his fall is broken by another larger tree. The sound of air whooshing from him brings a wicked joy to her.

He sits up, his panting broken by snarls, to lay his ochre gaze upon her. His silver suit is dirty and torn with bits of leaves and bark stuck in places.

“You dance so beautifully! Yes you do!” His bloody maw splits into an unnaturally wide smile. She can see that their teeth snapping together has knocked out one of his buck teeth. Her body rocks with beastly laughter. He looks like a damn eldritch inbred like this. Giant ass gap in the middle of his grin. She snarls with the hilarity, tossing her own blood soaked muzzle, pressing her tongue against the ridges on her pallet so that her laughter comes out as a massive “THTHTHTHTH”. A wolfine interpretation of a gap toothed lisp.

Pennywise's smile withers and dies, replaced by a look of demonic disgust. Baring his jagged teeth in a lipless snarl, blood bubbles and floats away as another tooth pops thru to replace the lost one. He lifts himself to a crouch. She knows he will spring. Her lupine muscles tense and bunch, rippling under her pelt. She is swift. She will teach this clown the meaning of speed.

And spring he does, looming forward, limbs splayed wide. She waits till the very last moment. Till he is nearly upon her. She knows he thinks she shall embrace him again. Instead she leaps forward and very low, swinging her muzzle up to rip off an orange puff from his costume, the silk from his trousers tickling the tender flesh of her nose as it clears him. Barely. He lands heavily behind her, the impact reverberating a deep sound in the ever growing clearing they were making.

Fleet of foot, she whirls, the pads on her paws soundless, and springs upon his back, the puff still clutched in her teeth. He huffs as his own face is now shoved into the mud. She leaps back and freezes. He rolls over, spluttering and spitting soil. He is not expecting her to still be directly at his feet. His eyes are closed and packed with inky dark mud. As soon as his mouth is empty, Sammy pounces on his chest, cramming the orange puff into his maw. Then springs clear of his flailing claws, leaving wolfish laughter to tickle his ears. Doing that NEVER got old.

Then she gave speed a new definition, racing her eldritch lover’s ability to set himself to rights. The wind carded thru her pelt, feeling lovely and cool on her skin. The moonlight reflecting off the foliage around her making the forest sparkle. Stopping in a meadow, she cocks her head, her nearly healed ear pricked. Listening.

And she is not disappointed. She can hear him cursing and advancing. Mocking him, she lifts her muzzle and pours her wolf song into the treetops of the barrens. Before the sound dies away, she teleports herself to her silent living room, neatly and comfortably sliding back into her fawn colored human skin as she does so.

Tossing her curls over her shoulder, she laughs, leaning against the cool surface of a wall, gazing out a window. All is silent here. All is awash in the blue grey of the moonlight.

“Gotcha.” She snickers.

Then gasps as silk gloved hands snatch her wrists and swing her body, using the momentum to throw her over the end of the couch in her living room. The arm of it digging painfully into her abdomen. She snarls as she feels his large body cover hers, his hands trapping hers. His lips brush her ear as he growls.

“Mmmmmmm GOTCHA!”

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTERS 10 + 11

we had a week of peace and now we’re gonna get annihilated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have no clue how long this liveblog may end up but hell and high water i’m combining them both

she tore the jade pendant from her neck and flung it into the darkness.

let’s give a warm welcome, to sadness,

i’m very excited for all-new cinder content hhhhhhh if u havent gathered by now I Love This Bitch and I Love Her Many Problems so im thankful for this gift 😞

Cinder was a ruin, her pride carved and served like slabs of meat.

i can FEEL diesel n kc rly patting themselves on the back for every bit of wet meat they can toss at me!!!!!!!!!! U HEAR THAT I CAN FEEL U!!!!!!!!!!! but also i still love this shit w/ all my heart!!!!!!!!!! IM NEVER GONNA STOP SAYIN IT

She had never looked at Glynda’s files.

im so sorry cinder baby but that whole thing? is still HILARIOUS oh my GOD i cannot believe you fucked up that badly. u shoved yr entire head into a beartrap. u absolutely crapped yr pants on that one. yr gonna be thinking abt that on yr deathbed,

/looks at the chapter title again

hhhhhhhh im. so pumped. its gonna be hard to talk abt most of this w/o doing a million fingerguns a minute but i’m gonna try my best

Cinder approached the mirror and touched its silvered face with black-tipped claws,

I SAID IM GONNA TRY MY BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was iron barbs beneath the nail bed, glowing coals underfoot, the singular capacity to do harm. She was a beast, armed with fang and claw and a deep, dark void where her compassion should have laid, and she was dressed for dinner.

HHHHHH god YES THIS IS THE CINDER IM THIRSTY FOR............ i literally cannot say anything that isnt a massive 👈😎👈 but AAAAAAA

like im reading thru this and i cant cherry-pick lines this whole bit? is SO GOOD...  kc n diesel are Yet Again obliterating me w/ their mastery of the narrative style of offal hunt and i just love all of this i rly wish i could explain how offal hunt is EXACTLY MY BRAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F U C K

The final touch on her mastercraft disaster: the four sawed-off horn stumps which grew among her silver-streaked hair.

HOOOO B O I i am. Losin it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER HORNS.......... CINDR...............

Wretchedly, she wondered: did Glynda even respect her now?

any other villain: my plan didnt work and im mad >:( cinder fall: my plan didnt work and now im mad but also mostly sad :(

CINDER’S TRYING HER BEST GOD.......... i literally hate how the remaster has made her So Soft, Actually... I BELIEVE IN U CINDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YR BEST

Every part of her was hot and hollow. She was sick with loathing.

i LOVE HER.... CINDER I HOPE U KNO THAT YR LOVED... god tho i dont like how SAD I AM RN... cinder’s so small and the world is so big and wants 2 Shit On Her blease

honestly like. im rly- LOOK I SAID THIS BEFORE BUT. this is why im rly lovin the new cinder content because in the first version we only got glimpses of her internal machinations and now we’re in full-blown Always Sad territory and everything is suffering :)

She blinked. Her double did not.

‘well’, thought murphy. ‘that’s terrifying.’

she’d only survived thanks to a keen instinct for danger, cultivated during her tenuous teenage years.

i NEED. I NEED. CINDER BACKSTORY. all these lil nuggets dont constitute a meal! I WANT A BIG MAC AND FRIES. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS BABY DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also again. the body horror of offal hunt? peak content. Im Lovin It

its getting harder to divine what is and what is not a 👈😎👈 because we got bits sprinkled around and theres only rly a spoiler potential if u glue em all together so im still being extra careful and the answer is blared in everyones faces so this whole kondor scene will go uncommented unless some Bullshit Happens which it will, so,

When she had become so invested in Glynda’s approval? When had a desire to be recognized as something inhuman, something ferocious, something black and terrible and capable of keeping up with Glynda Fucking Goodwitch turned into this?

oh! oh! i have the answer! i do! i know the answer! it’s you a lesbian,

The spectres of her youth haunted this city, owl-eyed children and fox-eared teens. They’d been a second sort of family, the only kind she’d had within these walls, and she’d wondered what had become of them in the past decades, but…

It was too sentimental, and she wasn’t meant to be a creature of sentiment.

oh boy okay wow

okay so actually this bit made me cry??? fuck OFF im losing it!!!!!!!! LET HER BE SENTIMENTAL!!!! LET HER HAVE PPL TO CARE ABT!!!!!!!!!! IM LITERALLY CRYING IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

She would go barefoot from this point on, her heels clutched at her side. When she left the hotel room to steal into the night, she promised herself not to look back.

im sorry im just. so sad rn. i havent cried over a fic in YEARS and we still have another chapter ago i hate this SO MUCH..............

here comes chapter 11 

if i cry even once more im going to stab!!!!!! im not sure what BUT ILL STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even without his wings, the Manticore would easily have been twice the size of any of the other Grimm, far outstripping them in sheer bulk.

HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATI HATI HATI

holy shit we actually get to see him this time!!!!!!!!!!! WE GET TO SEE THIS LEGENDARY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS CHONCC,

also hes a manticore now which is, Radical, may i just say, and just a little bit sexy,

The effortless grace in each move betrayed power most Grimm would not live to achieve. Once he stood, he had to dip his head low to meet her eye to eye. His canines were the length of her forearm.

if u werent here for the remaster? we never even SAW hati but now hes here, hes Big, and rly thats all that matters,

Like a child who’d been allowed to lie and lie until at last they’d strangled themself in the web they’d spun, Cinder couldn’t speak. Could only wait on his verdict.

every single one of cinder’s inherent themes is killing me and this business w/ family? stop. im dying. this is rude

The scant space between them popped and cracked like an sparking flame, warm and effervescent, and this time, Cinder lingered, hugging Hati close.

IF I CRY ONCE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U ASSHOLES MAKE ME CRY ONCE MORE I WILL DOXX YOU,

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah im loving this content i rly dont have words for it dhjfgsdfgjh i just, rly like the words, and the order theyre in, and i honestly keep forgetting to liveblog it cause i just wanna READ EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tempting as it was—as it always had been, ever since she’d left the relative safety of the wastes and learned what happened to scraggly-limbed teens with horns and fangs and gleaming eyes—

with every chapter i desperately have 2 kno more abt baby cinder i HAVE to know i am so. UNBEARABLY CURIOUS... baby cinder what happened... what happened 2 u....

A lantern’s glow warmed her, bleeding into the darkness leeching at them both. It was a gentle gold across her skin, and like an answering signal from a distant outpost, Cinder saw a flush of light through the dark fur lining Hati’s throat, as though flames licked at his insides.

i forgot. that cinder glows like that when she feels Loved or full of pride and you know what i dont like these chapters. they were made to hurt me and i Dont Like That (im mclovin it)

From the safety of Hati’s neck, she found it easier—after all this time, he was still her bastion.

WHEN YOU REALISE? THAT YR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?? STOP,

For a regular person, the machine would be able to draw out short bursts of power, the likes of which no Semblance could ever channel. The taxation would eventually destroy the soul so deeply, so thoroughly, as to leave it empty for good.

For a Witch? For—

the fact. she cut herself off before she could think ‘for glynda’. has me on the FLOOR. this bit is just So Much i dont like it

Glynda Goodwitch would not abandon this hunt. Cinder knew it, had read it from her palms like an open book—Glynda Goodwitch did not know how to stop. If it had been anyone else on Remnant, they might never return, might never pull themselves back into action after today—but Glynda did not have a shred of self-preservation.

me, knocking against cinder’s head: u kno for someone w/ so many schemes in yr brain yr pretty dumb and gay, huh,

firstly let’s talk abt cinder’s “””””””””””””””””””self-preservation””””””””””””””””””” instin-- whats that? not found? yes

[Glynda’s] eyes were empty, hungry, insatiable.

i feel like ive read this line before! lets jump back a chapter--

In [Cinder’s] eyes, there was a subtle, endless hunger.

WAKE UP CINDER SHE’S YR SOULMATE!!!!!!!!!!! THE COFFEE’S READY U CAN SMELL THE BACON FROM HERE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a fluid leap, they were in the air, the ground quickly shrinking beneath them. Pressing her face against his neck to shield herself from the wind, she closed her eyes and prepared herself for what was to come, trusting Hati to deliver her safely.

that said i ADORE my boy hati is literally the best part of offal hunt kc and diesel do not interact,

He was frozen in horrific anticipation, like watching an imminent tragedy and being absolutely helpless to stop it. Like all the tension was mixed with grief and hopeless, futile fear.

when will offal hunt be nice to me. when will any of these characters get to be happy. hello. im full of sadness.

The sound was like a saw working back and forth, but resonating inside her head, rattling every tooth in her jaw, deafening to her ears.

im literally gritting my teeth at this i can hear it in my own head and its Very Bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay god i can barely handle to quote anything more this bit is hurting ME so lets swiftly move on before I Die

Cinder closed her weary eyes, sinking into sleep like a shallow grave.

BE NICE TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE NICE TO HER JUST THIS ONCE, PLEASE, IM BEGGING YOU,

They only knew death, only ever sought death; fangs and claws slicked with blood, magic rending meat and marrow apart, and everywhere that choking, scalding heat, spilled blood like magma, like the core of a planet.

hmm... that seems like a 👈😎👈 ~reference~

They were all alert, ears pricked, hackles raised like Hati’s. They all fixed on the same spot, somewhere beyond the darkness of the cave opening, and though she could barely think, she knew:

She was out of time. The Witch was here.

oh no.

okay so THATS CHAPTERS 10 AND 11! i only cried ONCE and u kno what thats. a Victory. these two chapters were VERY GOOD i rly loved em and i can tell new readers r gonna have a blast w/ this shit!!!!!!!!!! meanwhile i, a veteran reader, am full of peril,

terrible.

[lonerism2105]

11/7/21 (archive)

i just dont know man... it feels whatever i perceived myself as is so fuckin incorrect. like i am just the opposite of what im supposed to be. my friends and i had a long talk and like they told me that i made everything about myself and that i dont sense another person's pain... that if someone tells me what they are going thru i say "oh yeah i went thru that" or "oh yeah no my friend went thru that". i just feel so shitty because that is not the person i wanna be. and why cant i share with people... like what makes me hesitare to share my things with others?? its just eating away at me when they said that i take more than i give... is it really true?? is that how people perceive me?? this is just fucking with my mind so bad... and about aarya... i just dont know man, her voice is ringing the loudest in my head... her words are like repeated stabs into my heart and they make me want to reach for the scalpel and actually hurt myself...

 • "dont you have other friends" this was legit a stab in my heart yikes like lol it made me want to stab myself

 • "sachi and i are going to always be closer to me than to you. she is MY best friend and she is always gonna choose me."

 • "you have no loyalty"

 • "i am saying this because we are already talking abiut it- sarah actually called me... you know how sachi is my best friend, sarah is my bff. she actually asked me how could you be friends with pani. like im actually disappointed- and the way she spoke shows that there actually hasnt been any growth since then." okay lets make one fact clear... i have never really spoken to or been that close to sarah and eleventh grade me idk... i dunno what caused her to jump to that conclusion and what triggered her to assume that about me. i just dont know...

 • "sachi has gone thru even worse than you yet she doesn't do what you do."

 • "yeah and you know who else got out of her home and is independent for the first time? sachi." lol this actually hurt xD and it's been on repeat in my head ever since yesterday.. i slept with this ringing in my head and i woke up with this ringing in my head... like damn everybody's trauma is different and everybody takes time to heal and it's not a fucking competition and sachi is way different than me... she is much more better at dealing with this shit and she had a headstart alright?? i let myself sink into that shitty gaslighting cycle and for the longest time i was convinced that being told to die was a normal parenting thing and that my parents were good hence they practiced so much control on me... but at the same time the way everyone kept in saying that "we have gone thru the same thing as you, you aren't any special" really makes me doubt that i have just made this all in my head and its so FUCKIng scary🥺 i am so scared that i have just been lying to myself and making this up and my parents were actually right that i have just put a label on it to get more attention.... just hahahah existential crisis has risen again...

im just... it's painful hehe. like i dunno where will we go from here and i honestly dont know what will happen to me. will i slip into that familiar welcoming sadness where i become numb and dissociate from reality... just like headless zombi with no direction? to be honest that sounds so ideal and so well known that i actually feel like letting myself fall... to not care about how im wasting, to starve and make myself suffer, to cause me physical pain so that it can take my mind off the deep pain and grief i feel inside me... i want to hurt myself more than anything else.. i want to punish myself and i want to beat myself i want to make myself feel such incredible pain... dont know if that makes me a sadist but to cause pain to myself feels like the only better alternative than to become numb... because being numb is like floating with no sense of time and just losing out on yourself while carving myself up will atleast remind me that im human that i bleed like other do and that i have some sort of semblance to others despite being so fucked up... maybe mama was right.. maybe i am a habitual liar and maybe i deserve to be alone

yes i want to therapy and that always gonna be around but my self destructive bitton has been pressed and to think about anything that will make me better feels so yuck

i dunno man... guess im just gonna stop talking about myself altogether. i actually felt comfortable with this group to talk about things that i haven't really told many people and thats perceived as being insensitive... singh actually told that im making my personality all about being sad and yikes that just means i got too comfortable and in turn made other people uncomfortable. never talking about my trauma ever again. never ever EVER. i either type it down or write it down ir just shove it to the side and distract myself. i am never gonna talk about what im going thru or if im suffering because i don't need that kind of power struggle. from no one im going to work to make my facade so strong and so impenetrable that no one can know... not even the people closest to me because im a ticking time bomb and i cant risk losing the few people i have... arushi literally said kitne din aur tera randi rona sunanana padega xD well not anymore now onwards im just not gonna open up. i am gonna shut myself up completely so that nobody can know me. too late that these guys know way too much and i wanna kick myself for it but going forward, no on absolutely no one will know about me.. you can call me mysterious or whateva idc... im just gonna be a massive bitch and towards the people i care about im gonna be funny, nice and all things nice. yesss this sounds so much better... being jaded and stoic really sounds like a nice idea ❤️ if only i could get an unhealthy coping mechanism like smoking along with it.. it would just be perfect. numb everything, sounds so beautiful and attainable than actually facing my demons. like Aastha said, just think of this as character development well yall would definitely enjoy this new character arc 😁 of course i would be funny and the comic relief and yes im gonna be a better listener and be more empathetic but im never gonna talk about my joys, my sadness, ny trauma, my happiness, my family relationships... nothing. radio silence. im closing my heart up hence forth such a pain in the ass... its what fucks me over the most so im just gonna kill all the hopes on having "my person" or having a "soulmate' because that hope has always hurt me. and i was born alone so im gonna die alone and that's a fact. hope is such a bitchy thing... always got me ahead of myself and always fucked me over. no more hope... we are just gonna fake it till we make it... im gonna fake my happiness, my humor, my joy everything because absolutely no one can know how i am dying a little everyday. no one can know the amount of hate for myself i hold in my heart. no one can know the things that pain me. no one can know the things that give me joy. no one no one no one. no one is getting closer to me because i need to reduce collateral damage... i am not gonna kill myself obviously but oh... the things i have in store for punishing me?? its gonna be fun 😁 if im not a person anyone can give a second thought about then that definitely means i should not care about myself either. but of course... im gonna be kind and polite and definitely work on being generous.. im gonna continue being a good person even tho aarya says otherwise. i am good and i will stick to that part of my upbringing. im gonna excel in my studies most obviously... gotta play to my strengths so i can convince just how much of a perfect life i have 🥰 being fake sounds so much fun 😁 and i cant wait to fake about my entire personality as being funny, edgy and kind at the same time... sounds beautiful

therapy is always gonna be there bit i really need this for now... imma tell papa that my exams are coming close so i really cant give much attention to therapy maybe after that

damn this is actually a nice thing... to write/type it all down makes me feel lighter and more resolved.

[youhealmyworld]

Repression: A Slam Poem

If you're a person with schedules, with duties, with obligations... you are repressing something.

Whether it be a joke or a choice or a dark past, you're always hiding something.

If you are a person unoccupied and has large amounts of free time, you are always expressing yourself. No matter where you are or who you with, you express and you let it out and I watch you in awe.

I stare at you from my busy schedule and I watch you release your emotions and confess certain secrets and I say nothing. I want to scream, to get angry, to throw things at you, to even let tears flow...but they didn't come.

Staring in silence is all you'll ever see from me, until you never see me again.

The suffocating hug of repression is one I've never been able to be released from. It sees you across the bay of your lake of emptiness and it embraces you're dead soul, it cherishes it. It knows it's the cause of this consequence, but it only reveals a small and dry smile. You cant smile back, you stand staring into Oblivion as it keeps hugging you and whispering reassuring words in your ears trying to soothe, but long ago you stopped listening.

You stopped caring, you let go of that will. You let yourself go because you couldn't bear to see everyone around you change. You gave up your entire life and heart just so others can have normal days. You fake some laughs to sound enthusiastic, you muster some fangirling so you sound relatable. You are a machine that has no controls, your surroundings push those buttons and switches.

Sooner or later you'll find yourself sitting in a stairwell, wishing you were dead. Tripped over your anxiety and lying on the floor, breathless and lost. You're heart beat increased and covering every corner of the room, the bass boosted deep in your ears. It's like the party you agreed to go to to be social and happy but it backfires, it's exactly like that except one difference...you feel your world is crashing down. If you can't be helped or left alone to breathe one more second, you are going to die.

It's never a rewarding experience, even though it's been classified as a human mental illness. I don't use terms often, I feel they only encourage those ignorant views, from the people who've done the least to help me...to notice me.

Or maybe you're in a hotel room, sitting alone and waiting. Waiting for a new distraction to take the thoughts away, but nothing comes. You've insisted on spending this time alone, but it's the worst decision you could ever make.

You could be in a bathroom, with two blades on the counter and your phone to the side in case your ounce of humanity deep within decides to change your mind. All the lights are on but you still feel dark inside, you can't see anything except those memories sinking in. That searing pain in your chest grows, wondering if it's a medical explanation or a mental issue that needs a medication but you're all alone at the moment so you wait...wait until it fades and you go ask someone how they can help. But then you realize, this issue always brings more conflict when it's not supposed to and that without the remedial consequences there's nothing anyone can do for you.

In your bed, you stir awake at 3am. Your blankets tossed around and your pillows stabbing the back of your skull, you lie on your back facing up at that dreaded ceiling. It's blank, one dull color reflecting back at you, in the absolute darkness, in the middle of the night. Your first response is go back to sleep but something swims through your thoughts, a new entity that wants to express its opinions. Being an open person you let it in, too tired to know its true intentions. It pulls at you, it calls your name, it speaks its mind...then tears flow smoothing your rough acne filled face. It caresses your cheeks, convincing you this pain was a good thing. Its a release of emotion, it's opening up from your repression. It would be healthy...if it wasn't every night. Those same emotions holding you close at each hour you count down, each time of day you least expect it...it's always got you in it's arms.

The internal conflict is screaming at me, It keeps screaming to never make a fool of yourself but also to never care what others say. It's not devil vs angel, it's something more. One side wants the past to die, while the other wants to atone for it. One side wants to repress to make everyone's lives easier, the other wants to ask for help. One side wants to end me while the other wants to find me. It's a game of thrones of hurting and helping one brain in one body with one beating heart. It's when your mother tells you in the car at Wendy's drive-thru that your childhood wasn't all that bad and it wasn't as horrible as you say it is, but your brain retaliates, knowing you were a shame to even think about then. It's a story that you close the book for... but it still doesn't end.

Memories flooding in, a tsunami of experiences present in your sunken city. From fake friends, to lies on the internet, to dumb choices, to cringe worthy moments, to tragedies exaggerated...then back to you on your chair at midnight facing a computer screen. Its one cycle at one location with multiple memories but during one time...the time where you forget to remember and then it's too late.

Your body magnified on the clear glass mirror, your insecurities crawling under your skin. They make your muscles tremble and shake, your face grow paler while noticing every mistake you've given yourself. Knowing you've failed to keep in shape and create a diet that's gonna fuel your taste buds to cut it out, to stop sabotaging your efforts.

You're watching a video, from a date you are no longer reminded of until now. You press play knowing the quality is already going to trigger you. One second is all it takes before you jump up in a shivering motion, starting to twitch and turn away in pure disgust. Unable to watch a person from the past, a person you wish you didn't recognize.

Mom says I was a happy child, that I was who I was and that I didn't care about anyone else's opinions. Yea that's true, from her point of view. Even she didn't know the mentality I had back then, even she didn't understand how stupid my decisions were and how cringe worthy everything I did and said really was. But I was a kid so it couldn't have been so bad right? I'm just a kid so my problems weren't really real life problems right? But kids still feel pain...they can keep secrets..and one of those secrets can be their pain.

Repression is the only thing I can call home, the only word I understand through and through. It's made it's way into slowly ruining my life, It's always keeping me from telling the truth.

And I hope that your repression doesn't mold you into depression like mine does.

[muzdiir]

au where keith isnt involved in voltron until much later. lance, pidge, & hunk find the blue lion themselves, along w shiro, & end up on the castle w allura & coran. they do their “find ur lions” thing, w lance being sent to find the red lion & its pilot. except its in the most unlikely of places: tucked away on an erupting volcanic island on a literal waterworld

when he tries to land on the island, hes nearly blasted to bits by volcanic debris & lava. blue is knocked out the sky & rockets into the surrounding waters. the collision is enough to not only knock lance out cold, but it also cuts communications to allura & the castle. he wakes up, stranded on an alien planet, no way to contact his crew, hundreds of feet below the surface & sinking fast.

hes staring out, watching the waters get darker, murkier, alien fish swimming by in ever decreasing amounts. massive, bizarre creatures swim pass, vaguely reminiscent of earth’s sea creatures, but just slightly off.

minutes go by & all thats about him now is inky darkness. blue creaks & groans under the increasing pressure, but shes built with the best materials, stuff that can survive warp space, laser battles, hundreds of years of disuse (thats what lance keeps telling himself, anyway).

his head is full of stabbing pain & the lights on the dash are a cosmic swirl in his eyes. hes desperately trying to get blue to respond to any of his button-mashing, gear-jerking attempts, but shes silent. lances eyes prickle with tears & his heart slams out a heavy, erratic beat, & he finally stops, overcome with frustration. he hunches over the console, eyes squeezed shut, nails digging into his palms.

he hiccups a sob & then suddenly he cant stop. he cant help but think about his family, about pidge & hunk, allura & coran. he’ll die down there, looking for some robot lion to fight some alien super villain hes never heard of, no light, no working ship, no one to say goodbye to.

he cries until his throat is sore, his nose hot and tender, eyes crusty, until he has no more tears to shed. exhaustion washes over him, heavy & sudden. he looks around in a daze, the lights around him a blur of blue and red and green and purple—wait, purple?

lance snaps to attention and there it is again: a flash of lavender across the viewing screen, once, twice! is it another foreign sea creature? some sort of alien angler fish? his gaze is trained on the screen, watching, waiting for another glimpse—there! thru black depths swims a long, thin creature, gliding slowly past. just barely, lance makes out the vague form of a humanoid.

it takes a moment, but once the connection is made, lance’s hand snaps out, slaps desperately at the dash controls, hoping one of the buttons does something to draw the creature’s attention. it works—the tint of the screen changes, slides off, & the light from the…fish man? shines a little brighter.

whatever it is, it catches the things attention. suddenly, thru the darkness appears a face, remarkably human but at the same time, distinctly not. glowing yellow eyes stare back at lance, framed by a swath of billowing black hair. its highlighted by the same lavender light that caught lances eye in the first place; it emanates brightly from strange, rune-shaped markings all over its body. its arms are human, ending in lithe, clawed fingers, each connected by a thin stretch of flesh. from what lance can see, the—person?—has a decidedly sharklike body, streamlined and fit. long fins, each with their own glowing rune, protrude from its tail, sharp, pointed, keen-looking.

lance is taken aback. it looks like some sort of mermaid—definitely not the redheaded singing type, tho. hes scared; what does one do in a situation like this? do they stay in a dead & sinking ship, or do they take their chances w an alien shark person?

lance wastes hardly a minute before running to the back of the cab & climbing into his suit.