#ch/eckplease

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Thinking today about my Ch/eck Pl/ease fic setup, how to work everything in… and I just had Thee. Best. Idea.

Hol/ster sneezes when he gets drunk.

Loud. Wet. Messy. Poorly aimed. Dramatic ass drunk sneezes. The Haus treats it like an alarm: once H/olster starts sneezing, it’s about time for the kegster to wind down. Everybody’s gonna head for the exits anyway, since people can’t hear themselves think over those sneezes (although they can hear the sneezes, easily, over the music that is BLASTING).

Anyhow, this is more or less going to be my inciting incident and will probably lead to an initial Nurs/eyDex hookup which will result in the rest of the story unfolding.

Still trying to figure out how to make this all work time-wise bc I don’t remember if N/ursey and D/ex were ever in the Haus at the same time as H/olster and R/ansom or what so… plot plot plot. Much to consider!

[poinsciuri]

i tried to read omg ch//eckplease and i just found an article that pretty concisely explains why it skeeved me out

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“Dude, why are you even worried? So what, you sneeze a little loud…”

D/ex made a face.

“Or okay you sneeze really fucking loud, but like… hey, you’re at the Haus, they’re used to it! It’s not like you’re not gonna be worse than Hol/ster, right?” N/ursey tried to say this in a “reassuring (fuck)buddy” way and not a “depraved, disastrously horny kinkster” way. He didn’t think he succeeded.

In any case, his all-but-naked lust didn’t seem to have broken through the impenetrable barrier of D/ex’s spectacular capacity to judge himself harshly. “Well, I mean, first off…” D/ex began, as though he was making an argument in class instead of talking about their *shared* instant-orgasm-button topic, “Hol/ster didn’t have allergies. I do. Really bad. At least Hol/ster only goes off at the end of a kegster or when he gets a cold; I’d be, freaking, detonating twenty times a day in the spring. And also like…” He seemed generally worried about being honest here, and the fact that he wasn’t saying it to try and turn N/ursey on perversely turned him on twelve times as much, “Like Derek you… you’ve only heard them from a distance. And not even when I *really* have to sneeze, like… Up close? And when I’m really itchy? Dude, I’m *worse* than Hol/ster. Like… maybe kinda… a lot worse.”

He would not admit to it under pain of death but Derek maybe possibly squeaked a little.

“And on top of that, you know, it’s not, um… dry?”

Then Nur/se cursed in a few languages D/ex didn’t know.

Nurs/e found his composure—Nurs/e could always find his composure—but it was a near thing and if D/ex kept talking like that… composure was gonna be out the fucking window. “Dude I really want to encourage you to be yourself and not be ashamed of your body just doing what comes naturally to it and whatever but like… my dick is so hard right now I can’t really think straight? So I might need you to get me off before I can be a good encouraging bro, not gonna lie.” And then his brain caught up to his mouth. “Not that like, I’m saying you have to get me off just cause I’m hard like obviously you should only do exactly what you want to do but like I might have to bow out of this convo for just a sec and like take care of some things cause…”

Aaaaand Derek’s mouth was ahead of his brain again, which is what tended to happen when his brain was low on blood because 200% of it was in his dick. D/ex kissed him to shut him up. They were going to do that for each other a lot, huh?

“Or,” D/ex’s voice was suddenly an octave lower, “I can take care of you and keep talking.”

He would not admit to it under pain of double triple extra deaths but Derek definitely squeaked a little.

“Mhm, yeah, you can do that, you can really, really fucking do that immediately yes please—“

D/ex shut him up again. And this time his voice was back to normal D/ex, like he hadn’t just given sex god vibes for twenty seconds out of nowhere. “K, but like… I can’t tell you about my sneezing while you’re talking, bro.” And there went that lopsided grin, half-shy, half-cocky. Fuck, Derek was in trouble.

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Ahhh okay this is very niche BUT, I have a Ch/eck Plea/se scenario on the brain with these two characters Nur/sey and D/ex and maybe I will edit to explain who the characters are but my vision is basically like… they both have the fetish, their mutual friend Chow/der knows about Nur/sey’s but not De/x’s, they’re on a kind of enemies to lovers track in my brain, ANYWAY (putting more under the cut bc then I don’t have to put the dumb slashes in the names, right?

Okay so Dex has like The Biggest Sneezes, so loud, so wet, so desperate and intense, and Nursey is Into Big Sneezes BUT Dex is SUPER shy about the fetish (like one of those can’t say the word sneeze, can barely bless people types) and HATES sneezing because it draws so much attention to himself specifically about the thing he is awkward about. Anyway so like Chowder and Nursey are high and talking about the fetish and Dex overhears and he has All The Feelings like OMG this guy I have the hots for has my same fetish OMG how dare he TALK about it he’s going to EXPOSE US and also wow I wish I was that Free and Open but also WHAT KIND OF SNEEZES DOES HE LIKE DOES HE LIKE MINE I LIKE HIS SO MUCH. And Chowder and Nursey are like “okay okay what about me do I have Hot Sneezes?” “I mean yours are good, but like I can’t see you that way you’re like a) straight and b) basically my brother.” “Okay okay what about… Holster” “omg so hot so loud, excellent” (and Dex is over there like “omg me me I have loud sneezes but wait no I hate having loud sneezes ahh feelings are confusing!”)

Chowder: “okay uhhhh… how about Jack? Did you ever hear Jack sneeze?”

Nursey: “ughhhhh noooo but I want to so BAD that guy is gorgeous I mean no offense to Bitty not tryna steal his man but that ASS goddamn!”

Dex: *feeling identical feelings very intensely and also why is this man strumming my pain with his fingers and singing my life with his words* (he only knows that song bc Nursey yes it’s the Fugees version).

Chowder: “how about… Lardo?”

Nursey: “oh. 100% yes, ten out of ten, her and Shitty both—I have heard Shitty by the way and like… okay hers are lowkey so LOUD especially for how tiny she is and then his aren’t as loud but they’re like… so desperate and he’ll go like five times in a row… lmao I can’t believe I’m telling you this shit you must think I’m SO weird.”

Chowder: “nah dude, like you always say we’re all weirdos. I mean you know about my thing.”

Nursey: “it’s like adorable how pink your ears get when you even mention it hahaha”

Dex: *wondering if Nursey would find his pink ears cute*

Chowder: oh! Oh! What about Dex?

Dex: *stomach drops, rises, roller coasters, heart does a whiz bang flip flop*

Nursey: “ugh… that guy.”

Dex: *heart craters*

Chowder: “Nursey, don’t be that way. I mean doesn’t he do that like… he doesn’t let it out, but isn’t that like a… sexy mystery or something?”

Nursey: “I mean… it would be but he’s such a prude I mean. I could never talk about this with him he’d look at me like I was so disgusting. And besides, I know the mystery… he like… never let’s it out. He ALWAYS stifles. I’ve been his roommate for like months now” (did I mention they were roommates??) “and not. even. once. And like, not even on my kinky shit but like it looks like it hurts him. And I told him it’s his room too he can sneeze but nope. Repressed, like everything else about him. Kinda sad.”

Dex: *emotionally flailing, on life support, smushed, a Kafka-esque insect (and actually he had read Metaphorphosis before he met Nursey ThankYouSoMuch) beneath the boot of Bad Feelings*

Chowder: “maybe he just doesn’t feel comfortable. Still… you are curious aren’t you.”

Nursey: “well I mean… I don’t want to take advantage of him but like… maybe it wasn’t tooooooootally true that there’s noooooo kinky curiosity there…”

Chowder: “I knew it! Called it! You totally wanna know.”

Dex: *emotionally revived, risen from the ashes, also so confused, nearing emotional shutdown, everything is happening at once how do I get out of here without making noise they cannot know I was spying on them like this omg omg omg he’s gonna hate me internal roller coaster noises*

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Yeah okay, I’m a little obsessed with the idea that D/ex can EITHER stifle OR blow out your eardrums with the Loudest Most Desperate Dramatic Angry-Sounding Sneezes, like those are the only two settings and then there’s a little fic where N/ursey and D/ex experiment with whether or not D/ex can find a middle ground and he just freaking can’t and it’s like “Well, I mean… Will, if you can stifle it into nothing like… can’t you just… I dunno not… breathe in as much? Not sneeze as hard?” “Dude, that’s just not how it works for me, I’m telling you, I can just like make it go away, or I can, you know…” D/ex mimed an explosion, which was a pretty good point of comparison for his sneezes. “But like you don’t make it go away, you do the little like… face… squeeze… silent stifle thing. If you were building up to that as much as you are to your real sneezes, you’d blow your eardrums out, I just KNOW you would.” D/ex rolled his eyes. “No, N/ursey, I would not blow my eardrums out, that is actually *not* how the human body works” “oh there’s no way your sneezes are normal physiology, I just don’t believe it.” “Just ‘cuz they affect *your* physiology in an abnormal way doesn’t mean *my* physiology is abnormal…” “Have you heard you, De/x? It’s definitely abnormal.” Bickering ensues, subsequently inducing—if D/ex even needs to induce, maybe his allergies are just that bad they just have to basically go outside for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths through his nose—and sneeze style testing ensues.

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Idk if anyone on here knows or cares about OMGC/heck P/lease but there are two big dumb (very smart) hockey bros who are best friends and platonic life partners except obviously not platonic in fanon (lol have you met the internet?). And one of them is like a hyper extrovert and just the biggest loudest sweetest golden retriever man and the other is more like... meticulous and full of planning but also stresses out easily and ANYWAY, I am super horny for loud!sneeze Hol/ster (guy 1) and sneeze!kink Ran/som (guy 2). Like I can just see Hol/ster waking up the Haus with a thunderous sneeze and saying like “whoops! Feels like it’s gonna be a sneezy day... better batten down the hatches and take cover.” and Ran/son (who sleeps in the bunk below Hol/ster) is just dying and exploding and passing out from sheer lust.