#change ‘getting paid’ to “people openly trying to take money or stability away from you because they don’t understand your job’

[jenomark]

Part 6: WinWin, The Catch

➔Pairing:  WinWin x Reader (Female)  ➔Other Members/ Characters: Lucas, Ten, Hendery, Xiaojun,  Kun, & YangYang ➔Genre: Smut (+ angst, + fluff, + plot) ➔Warnings: angst, mentions of sex, yelling, cursing ➔Word count: 6,455

➔Summary: You don’t know what you do. You don’t even know who you are. Some would call you a whore. Some would refer to you as a sex worker. All of your clients would say you’re damn good at your job.

MASTERLIST

FOUR MONTHS LATER

  Life is a whirlwind of many things: emotions, disappointment, new beginnings, and things too complicated to understand. It’s years of fuck-ups, of getting lost in the shit that hurts you, and finding out that sometimes the truth should stay buried. We’re meant to live life like it’s the last one we have, but a lot of us can’t even choose what to eat for dinner. Maybe that’s the joy in living, in just being. Maybe we should all be proud of being fuck-ups, instead of trying to be something we’re not.

“I don’t think life can get any sweeter than this.” WinWin said. 

 You tapped your glass against his, the frozen, pineapple liquid spilling down the sides. The taste of the drink is refreshing and so sweet it makes your teeth hurt, but you don’t care. You’re sitting on the beach in a plastic chair, the sun dipping into the ocean, and the company of a man you enjoy right next to you. Life, through its ups and downs, was finally looking up.

“I don’t want to go home.” you said. “Do you think people at work even miss me?”

WinWin laughed quietly, just a little wind through his nose. “I would miss you.”

“I bet you would.”

  Since coming to the island for the past week, you and WinWin left the hotel room many times. You went snorkeling, exploring different parts of the culture, ate gourmet dinners, and got massages by professionals who avoided your sunburnt shoulders. On the days when you couldn’t seem to make it out of the door, you both fucked on the beautiful white linen bed, sometimes with the sliding door open, and every time without any inhibition. 

“I miss you every day.” he said. He leaned over to kiss you, the taste of the drink on the edge of his lips. 

  When he brought out his phone to text his family back home, you let your eyes gape openly at his body. He was so pretty on the eyes, every muscle put to good use. You didn’t regret the order of the way things happened to fall together, just that you hadn’t met him sooner. It seemed lifetimes ago that you were hitting him up for one last bang of the century. You smiled at the memory, letting it salivate in your mind until he was done texting.

“Is everything okay?” you asked.

  WinWin took your hand, which was something he did whenever he was feeling affectionate. You liked the attention, the way he put his phone down and focused on answering your question. “My family are asking what time our flight home is tomorrow. And if I’ll stop by on the way back to my house.”

“Did you tell them yes?” you asked. “I miss your mother. She’s just the face I feel I need to see.”

“You don’t know how happy that makes me feel.”

  He leaned over and kissed you again. There was a cheeky look in his eyes, as if asking how easy it would be for you to straddle him on the beach chair and take his cock right there. Neither of you were sex fiends during your regular life back home, but vacation time meant making time for your relationship. 

  Luckily for the public, you were both interrupted by the waiter asking if you’d like a bite to eat. After declining, you both gathered up your things and practically ran back to the hotel for a night of fun and pleasure.

  It wasn’t love, exactly. You would be the first to admit that love was hardly a driving force in your life. At first, though lust was an option, you ruled it out fairly early. Your entrance into WinWin’s life was less about pleasing someone sexually and more about pleasing yourself. You stayed around him because he was different. Deep down, you hoped it wasn’t because he was a culmination of all the boys in your life- Ten and his safety, Hendery and his optimism, Xiaojun and his hunger for life, Kun and his stability, and YangYang’s wholesome friendship. He even had Lucas’ taste for laughter and fun. 

 For a while, you wanted it to be love. You wanted love at first sight to be a  real thing so badly. You saw WinWin, you knew he was the one, and you fucked him real good. You chose to let it be more. Still, months later, you chose to keep the relationship because there was always the possibility that you were both lovable. You could be normal, even get the 9-to-5 job and stop fucking people for money. It could happen for you. 

 The car ride home from the airport felt a little off. Being away from the ocean made you feel stale. You didn’t know how to face normalcy again, how to ease your way back into a city that held so many awful memories. But WinWin held onto you like he could solve everything, made you feel like you could be the adult you needed all your life. 

“We’re here.” WinWin said as the car pulled up to his mother’s house.

 She didn’t know her son paid for someone like you, or that he was the last one ever. As far as she knows, he met you out with friends, and the rest was history. She didn’t know about your past, didn’t seem interested in it either. She was the kind of woman that judged no one, that welcomed everyone through her door with a hug and a feast fit for kings. It was far removed from the family you had grown up with.

“You both look sun-kissed and beautiful.” she said, hugging you, and then tugging on the edge of WinWin’s ear. “ Welcome home. I made you a nice home cooked meal. I know it’s not as good as the 5 star food you’ve been eating for the past week.”

“Mom, I’m sure it’s delicious.” WinWin said. “And I am starving.”

“Me too.” you said. “It’s really nice for you to cook for us. I feel so thankful.”

 Being with WinWin’s family made you feel safer than you’d ever felt. They truly welcomed you into the fold. It was easy to imagine the rest of your life like this: taking vacations, coming back to meals cooked by a mother who cares, and being lovingly accepted into another family like you were one of their own. Your past could easily melt away, along with any of the bad taste that got stuck in your mouth.

  You felt yourself getting misty-eyed. Thankfully, WinWin’s mother didn’t notice. She walked away to tend to her meal, leaving both of you in her living room. Unfortunately for you, WinWin was also an attentive boyfriend. He noticed you were on the verge of tears right away. He wiped them away for you, his brown eyes looking concerned.

“Is everything okay?” he asked. 

You nodded. “Yeah, it’s fine. I think I’m just tired and overwhelmed.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No, no.” you said quickly. “I’m happy to be here.”

  The smile WinWin gave you lit up your soul. He brought you in for a hug, his excitement growing in the childish way he had. You held him tightly, too afraid to let go.

No, it wasn’t love, but it wasn’t not love, either.

  That night, you made love.

  In the beginning of your relationship, all the men before him would pop into your mind. There was the roughness of Lucas, the tenderness of Ten, and the intensity of Hendery. Every so often, you wished WinWin was as good as Xiaojun was at oral. You incorporated the carefree attitude YangYang taught you into your sex life, taking WinWin for a wild spin. You avoided Kun, and every feeling he brought up within you. Every so often, you would dive back into the deep end and meet WinWin, and you would merge all the men together. He would never know, and you’d never ask if he had any inclination. 

  Something changed a few months in. The sex got better, and you were more present. You were with him for the whole time, pressing down on his chest and riding the high that belonged to only him. You fell hard. You two were good for each other, matched up right in all the best ways. He didn’t need help in any department. He was whole and complete, and he made you feel like a goddess. 

 “You’re thinking.” WinWin whispered, kissing your forehead.

 He pushed his cock deep inside of you, the words out of your mouth coming out breathless. “I’m not.”

  “Okay.” he said, giving up before he started.

 He fucked you so well that you both forgot about everything. It was only until you were dreaming that everything came rushing back. You dreamed of the men, of the paradise lost, of WinWin’s mother wishing you were her daughter-in-law.

  Office jobs on a Monday never once seemed glamorous, but it was all you needed to feel ordinary. You stayed at your desk and watched the screensaver on your desktop fade in and out, like a heartbeat. Cheek resting against the palm of your hand, you sighed. You waited for lunchtime like the rest of the office girls. You didn’t gossip, didn’t show anyone your new nails. Your desk wasn’t decorated, but you were settled in for a while. The company liked you so much that you moved on from being a temp really quickly, which either made people love you or hate you.

“How was vacation?” a colleague asked. 

  You had become one of those people that shows vacation photos on her phone. There was WinWin laying on the beach, his toned stomach covered in sand. There was a photo of you posing by the sign of a restaurant, your arms thrown around him and your leg popped up. You hardly recognized the girl in the photos, though you’d spent 20+ years in her body.

“I wish I were in your shoes.” she said. “Your boyfriend is dreamy.”

“Thank you.” you said. It was hard to keep the amusement out of your voice. You were used to women fawning over him because he was so handsome, but when it was a married women with five kids, it made you hope you’d never be like that. 

“It looked like such a nice little vacay.” she said. “So luxurious. How did you pay for all of that?”

“Savings.” you said.

  Though you weren’t doing sex work anymore, the money from your secret apartment felt like it was never ending. You had sold so many things that reminded you of the men you saw over the years, choosing the money and a better life for yourself. It didn’t bother WinWin that you had more money than him, though he wouldn’t let you buy him a damn thing.

“Lucky.” she said before moving back to her desk.

  Your eyelids were heavy, and the bottom of your feet sore. You dragged your feet through the doorway of your new, modest apartment, and threw your stuff down on the floor. You didn’t check your phone, just sat down on the couch and let your head fall back. You drifted off to sleep and only woke up to a knock on your front door. Picking yourself up, you walked over, swung it open, and screamed when WinWin picked you up and spun you around.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

 He kissed you passionately, letting your body slide down his before he let your feet plant on the floor. You felt breathless, and could tell that your face was hot just from seeing him again. There were days you kind of wanted to share a home with him, to see him every single day. Maybe then you wouldn’t be so taken aback by him every time you saw him in the flesh.

  You didn’t fully get a good look at him until he moved away from you and went over to the fridge for a drink. He was wearing a dark blue suit and his hair was slicked back from his forehead. He looked expensive, and the smell trailing behind him reminded you of the vacation you’d just left.

“What are you all dressed up for?” you asked.

“You and I are invited to a party.”

“A..party?” you asked. “On a Monday night? I’m exhausted. I just had my full day of work after a week of beauty and sunshine. Baby, the last thing I want to do is party.”

  Then, as if everything suddenly made sense, you remembered that your birthday was in a few days. Your mind was whirring. You didn’t want WinWin wasting money on some nice party when he’d put up more than his share for the vacation.

“Please.” he said, pouting. He took a drink from inside the fridge and set it on the counter. “I wouldn’t go without you.” 

“I don’t have anything to wear.”

“I’ve seen your closet. You have plenty of dresses.”

“I won’t know anyone there.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t tell you who was going.”

“I’m running out of excuses, aren’t I?” you asked.

  WinWin smiled and came over to hold you. “Yes. I’m not a party animal either, but for some reason, I really want to go to this one. It’s at that nice hotel downtown that was just built. Imagine a night full of cocktails and dancing, coming home and collapsing in my bed. Fun, right?”

  You closed your eyes. When you opened them, you said yes. After all, you didn’t want to ruin a possible surprise. WinWin picked you up and spun you again. ‘Round and ‘round in circles you went.

  The dress you wore was too tight. You felt so bloated in it that, on the car ride over, you kept fidgeting. WinWin calling you beautiful didn’t help, but the sulking definitely did. Arriving at the party made you so nervous that you forgot about the ill-fitting dress. You weren’t ready to be in front of people you loved, if it was a birthday party. You were stressed about who would attend, and who would not. 

“Holy fuck.” you said, looking up at the hotel it was being hosted at.

 In another life, it felt like you had been there before. It was much too swanky for your new taste, but there was something so familiar about the exterior that you couldn’t help but stare at it. The cream of the building and the black marble accents were stunning to look at, even more so than your date.

“We’ll stay no longer than two hours.” he said. “Does that sound good?” 

  You were unsure, but you did agree. He took your hand and led you across the street, the red satin dress you were wearing flying up with the wind. You smoothed your hair down with your free hand and walked through the revolving door with him. Inside, the building was even more gorgeous. It must have cost a pretty penny, and would have taken years to import all of the textures.

“Who invited you here?” you asked. “Someone from work?”

“My cousin.” he said. “ You’ve met him before.”

  You were whisked into a ballroom full of people. It was clear that, by the lack of people you knew, it was not a surprise birthday party for you. It made you a little sad, but you tried not to show it.

 Being among crowds was never fun for you, but feeling his hand on the small of your back relaxed you. You were thinking you could enjoy the night anyway, but WinWin walking away to fetch drinks made the fear creep up your spine again. You sat down at an empty table and scanned the hoards of people dressed in expensive designer clothes, your eyes raking it all in. You assessed that the reason you were so uncomfortable is because the environment reminded you too much of the life you had four months ago.

“Here.” WinWin said, setting your drink down.

  You took a big gulp and set it back down, watching strangely as the condensation from the glass formed a ring on the tablecloth. For a bit, WinWin sat with you and held your hand, his eyes watching people laughing and chatting along.

“I can’t find my cousin. He’s not answering his phone.” he said, not able to peel his eyes from the crowd. 

“Should we go look for him?” you asked.

  There was a weird tension in the pit of your belly. You pushed the drink away and vowed to not drink anymore. You joined WinWin in looking for his cousin, even though you didn’t know which one he was referring to. His family was big, and they all looked so different from each other, but they all had the same cute laugh and love of ordering things online. 

“Let’s dance.” WinWin said, rising to his feet.

  You looked at the hand stretched out before you. He was speaking and moving too quickly. You felt like you were being pulled in every direction. The lights of the ballroom chandeliers were too bright, the air too humid. Still, you took his hand and let him bring you to your feet.The heels were killing you, but they were the only shoe that matched the dress.

“Are you okay?” you asked. “You’re acting really weird. “

“Weird?” he asked. “How?”

“I don’t know.”

  You wiped sweat from your forehead and felt nauseous as he led you both around the floor. It was the first time you wished you were anywhere but with him. Being at home and sleeping sounded much more exciting than the truth of where you were. 

“Can I spin you?” he asked.

  Before you could tell him that he couldn't, WinWin spun you around. You held onto his shoulders and caught your breath. He spun you one more time, your body losing slight control, and then he let you go.

  All you could see were the lights in a blur before they stopped. You were too aware of the arm that had caught you. You looked down at the floor, at your feet crammed into your heels, then you closed your eyes tightly, and opened them again. You looked up and was met with a chest that didn’t belong to WinWin. Clutching the arms tightly, you used the body to bring yourself up all the way.

“Lucas.” you said, your voice shaky. 

 Dressed in a white button down and a light blue suit jacket, Lucas was there. His face was a little slimmer, but the same eyes were looking back at you. They were wide and hard, not a lick of concern in them. For a moment, you were transported back in time. It was where you were supposed to be, with the man you thought you were going to marry. You blinked and started looking for WinWin.

“You like him?” Lucas asked.

  You removed your hands from Lucas’ arms and he dropped them to his sides the same time you did. You looked into his eyes and tried to muster something to say. The last time you saw him, you couldn’t get the right words out. Your storyline was very much unfinished. 

“Does he check all the boxes?” Lucas asked. “Safe. Able to pay. Puts up with your lies and insecurities.” 

“What?”

  You looked over at the right time to see WinWin moving up to your side. You felt relief. You waited for him to berate Lucas for talking to you that way, a hero to save the day. Instead, he held out his hand to Lucas, as if asking him to dance.

“Four months.” WinWin said to him. “I want extra for having to sleep with her so many times.”

  Lucas opened his jacket and took out a wad of bills. He peeled out so many pieces of paper that you lost count of them all. “Here is half. You get the rest of the money in a while.”

  WinWin took the bills without counting them and tucked them into his own jacket. He gave you the tiniest apologetic glance before walking away. Confused, you started to walk after him but was stopped by Lucas' big arm.

“What are you doing?” you asked. “I’m following my boyfriend. Let me go.”

“Your boyfriend?” Lucas asked. “Wow, you really bought it. The con artist gets conned.” 

 Your brain was trying its hardest to make sense of what Lucas was saying. Any minute now, you would wake up from your nap on the couch and you wouldn’t be standing in the middle of a hotel ballroom with your ex-boyfriend. When that didn’t happen, you stormed off across the dance floor, your eyes searching for WinWin. You took out your phone and began texting, but a big paw of a hand snatched the phone from you.

“He won’t text back.” Lucas said.

“Give me that.” you said, swiping at him. “Why are you here? Did you follow us?”

Lucas laughed. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? You’re a psycho.” you said. “You broke up with me, remember? You left me. Let me live my life. I’m happy.”

  Without your phone, you walked outside, through the revolving door and down the rabbit hole. You could hear Lucas’ heavy  footsteps behind you. When you were out of earshot, he placed his hand on your shoulder gently and spun you around to face him.

“Give me my phone, or I will call the police.” you said, not enough bravado in your voice.

  Lucas handed you the phone, but you yanked it from his hands anyway. There were no messages from WinWin, and nothing of note. You looked for the car you arrived in but it was gone. You swallowed the lump in your dry throat and closed your eyes again.

“Why did you hand him money, and where did he go? What was he talking about?” you asked. It was the question you’d wanted to ask all along but was too afraid to ask.  “Please, nothing snarky. Tell me the truth.”

“The truth? Like you told me the truth?” Lucas asked.

“Lucas, please.”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

  You were facing him head on, tears rolling down your face. Everything felt too chaotic, too blinding. Your thoughts were swimming in your mind, each one making no sense from the last. If what you believed to be true was true, you needed to know how it all went down.

“I set you up.” he said. “Sicheng, that’s his real name, was never interested in you. I paid him to like you, to fuck you. “

“He was my client.”

“Wrong.” Lucas said. He moved out of the way so that people could pass by. “I paid him to pursue you. It wasn’t easy, I’ll give you that. I had actually given up hope, but then you came right in at the end.”

“You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.” Lucas chuckled darkly. “I paid him thousands of dollars. I paid for your vacation. I’m thousands in debt, but hey, who cares. I finally did it.”

“Did what?” you asked, wiping a hot tear from your cheek.

“Humiliated you the way you humiliated me.” he said. “Fucking guys for money behind my back? Why couldn’t you just cheat like normal people? Fuck, I wanted to marry you.”

  It was quiet, the traffic from the sidewalk dying down. You leaned against the side of the building and felt how truly tired your body was. The fire in Lucas’ eyes calmed down a little bit, too.

“I know.” you said quietly. “I saw the ring.”

“Shit, you really fell for everything.” he said. “I planted that ring. I thought that if you believed I was going to propose, you would catch yourself in the lie. I thought you were smarter than me, but tonight proves that theory. You’re not smart at all. You should have seen your face when you saw the house key. ”

“Why would you do this to me?” you screamed, grabbing the attention of someone waiting in traffic.

“You did this to yourself, sweetheart.”

 You turned around and put your arm against the wall, leaning your head down against it. “I don’t understand. WinWin and I are a real couple. I’ve been with his family and his friends. I love him.”

“The family thing wasn’t my idea.” he said. “I had nothing to do with that, but I find it funnier this way. How does it feel being so blind-sided that it’s ruined your life?” 

“Fuck you.”

“No.” he said. “Fuck you. Exactly, how many people have you slept with? Did you get tested before you fucked me?”

  You walked away, walking down the street to God knows where. You groaned when he kept following you, and you stopped in front of a well-lit display window. In the light, you could see how beat your reflection was. The dress was pretty,  but your insides were shining out and they were ugly.

“You thought you could fool me.” Lucas said. “I followed you to some places, you know? Saw all the freaks you were with. That one guy? Hendery? I talked to him, acted like I was a stranger. He was so fucking in love with you that I was jealous. Can you believe that? I was jealous of someone who had you about as much as I did. It’s a real shame what you did to him.”

“Shut up.”

“He thought you would be together forever.” Lucas mocked.

“You don’t know a thing about Hendery.”

“Wrong again.” he said. “I know a lot about men like Hendery. The sad, rejected men that tried to love you. I was one of them.”

  You checked your phone again, your last attempt at hope. All you wanted was to see WinWin’s name pop up, to text you that he was bringing the car around, and that he was going to take you away from the crazy man before you. 

“If you knew....” you began, feeling dejected. “...why did you let it go on for so long?” 

  Lucas seemed to really think about the answer. In the light, he looked so handsome and young. You were reminded of the man he was when you first met him. You felt a little pang in your chest where your heart used to be.

“I guess I wanted to see if you would change, if you would love me.”

“I did love you.”

There was hurt and anger in Lucas’ eyes. “Loved me enough to cheat on me?”

“It was just a job.”

“Was I just a job, too?” he asked. “ I knew about the extra apartment. I really meant nothing to you.”

“This conversation is going nowhere.” you said. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I should have been upfront about who I was and what I was doing with my body. I fucked up, and I fucked your life up. And you, in return, fucked me up for the rest of my life.”

“This isn’t my fault. This is your fault.”

“I don’t care whose fault it is, Lucas.” you said. “You and I were done. We never would have lasted.”

“So, you strung me along to make yourself feel better?” he asked.

“No I-”

“-Like you did with Sicheng.” he said. “I’m not an idiot. I know the ins and outs of everything that happened in the last few months. It’s a cycle. The people you fuck keep you feeling better about yourself long enough for you to move on to a new one. I was just the unfortunate asshole getting caught in the middle.”

“I’m not talking about this right now.”

“And there it is, the denial.” he said. “Look at how you turn away from me when I tell you the truth. All those men and not one of them could ever call you out on your bullshit? Where is the love there, huh? Where are any of them now?”

You threw your hands up into the air. “I don’t know. They’re not here, Lucas. You hate me so much, but you’re the only one here. The last man standing. Congratulations, you did it.”

  A car pulled up to the curb. You texted a friend for a ride, someone you didn’t know quite well. You didn’t have anyone else. While Lucas was talking, you were figuring out how best to run away from him. The knowledge hit you hardest where it hurts. You didn’t think anything could ever be the same again.

“I have to go.” you said. “I can’t be here anymore.”

“Yeah? Just like that?”

You held the car door open. “Yeah. Just like that, Lucas.”

“And you don’t have anything else to say?” he asked.

“I do, actually.” you said. “To those I’ve fucked and fucked over, I’m sorry.”

THREE YEARS LATER- LUCAS

  He stood very still, so still that he could hear the tiny giggling coming from the other room. Lucas smiled to himself and tried to ignore it as best he could. If there was one thing he was good at, it was acting.

“Ready or not, here I come!” he yelled, his voice booming. He loved pulling silly voices. It was something that brought him so much joy. “You better not come out until I find you-u-u-u-u-u.”

  With the heaviest of footsteps, Lucas walked across his house. It was dramatic the way he walked, and it only brought out another tinkle of laughter from the east side of the house. Lucas walked into another room and made fake footsteps like he was walking away.

 There, in the corner, the top of a tiny head peeked out from behind a toy box. As if sensing him, the head poked back down. Lucas fought the urge to laugh. He played dumb and moved around the room, loudly checking behind places no human could hide behind.

“It’s very difficult to find her.” he said. “I wonder if she is in this room.”

 Another giggle, another pull at his heart strings. Before he could move over to the toybox, a little girl ran out from behind it and into his arms. 

“Daddy! Daddy!” she yelled, giggling as her father Lucas scooped her up into his arms. “You found me!” 

  Lucas swung her around and planted kisses all over her heart-shaped face. His happiness was always with her, even when it was hidden. Lucas set his daughter down and knelt down to her level.

“Now,” he said, his face serious. He tried not to laugh as his daughter put on a serious face, too. “Now, we have to find mommy.”

 With her hand in his, they walked through the house to look for the missing puzzle piece of their family. 

THREE YEARS LATER- TEN

“What is love to you?” 

 Ten sat across from his date. There was something in the question that made him cock his head to the side. His smile lit up when the person sitting across from him broke out into a similar smile, a clear embarrassment striking them unannounced. 

“Don’t be embarrassed.” Ten said. “It’s a fair question. Do you have an answer for it?”

“I don’t.” 

“Well, I do.” Ten said.

  It was Ten’s assertiveness that got him the date in the first place. That, and the way he was so open about everything. He didn’t know if the person across from him was his soulmate, or if he even believed in that. Still, it was fun getting to know someone. In a way, it was like getting to know yourself. 

“I think love is everything.” he said. “I think it’s in everything. It’s in the company you keep, in the weather you wish was different. Love is a painful reminder that not everything can stay the same. It’s the gentle way someone wishes you a good day. It’s an old blanket that smells like memories from long ago. Love is scary, but scary things are fun, too. We all want love, and we all want to be loved. It’s hope, and it’s full. I used to think love is never being left, but now I think leaving someone often means loving them so much that you do what is best for them. Love is...yeah..I love love.” 

THREE YEARS LATER- XIAOJUN

  He lit the candles, one on each end of the table. Getting lost in the flame was an option, but Xiaojun had many steps to take. He smoothed out the table cloth, the fine linen unwrinkling before his eyes. There was peace in watching everything come together, in the controlling things. 

“Perfect.” he whispered.

  Moving around the table, he fixed two of everything, even two napkins of the prettiest shade. The dishes resting on the table were cleaned so properly that not even a stray hair found its way there. The drinking glasses were sparkling. He could see his reflection in them both, his handsome face full of content.

“Whaaa, so perfect.”

 Xiaojun took a seat in one of the chairs. He felt the wood of the armrest, a seat fit for a king, and he smiled to himself. The dinner jacket he was wearing was a little oversized, but it was pressed in a way that made him feel happy.

 A man walked into the room and served food on both sides of the table, the tastiest feast money could buy. A bottle of wine was tipped into the glasses, not a drop wasted.

“Thank you.” Xiaojun said softly.

  After the waiter disappeared, he looked at the empty chair on the other side of the table. The steam from the food rose up high, and with it, Xiaojun’s expectations. He took one savory bite of food. After, he took a bow to the seat that would remain empty for the rest of his life.

THREE YEARS LATER- KUN

“Therapy is at five p.m, don't be late.” she said.

“I don’t know why we’re going to therapy if we’re not going to work on our marriage.” Kun said. “Please help me understand.”

  His ex-wife looked at him like she saw right through him. She was unbothered, not willing to waste a single emotion on the man before her. “It’s for the children.” was all she said before she got into her car and drove away.

  Kun sat by himself on his front porch swing for a long time. His new house was smaller and bought with his own money. There was only enough room for him, and for his children whenever they wanted to see their dad on the weekends. With the end of his marriage, everything else seemed to go, too. He no longer had a job after getting caught having an another affair with one of the real teaching assistants. He figured it was a fair bit of karma for all the bad things he’d done, but it still didn’t make it an easy pill to swallow.

 Occasionally, he would call your old phone number in hopes that you’d pick up, but you never did. It was probably for the best.

THREE YEARS LATER- YANGYANG

  The massive backpack on his back made him sway a little. He found it so funny that he couldn’t read any of the signs in the foreign language. He’d met a lot of people on his travels, and each one found it charming that he was so carefree and kind. All it took was a smile from YangYang and the citizens were cured.

“Where are you going?” a traveler he had just met asked. He was an older man, way older than YangYang’s grandfather. He’d decided to travel and live a bit after his wife died. He was everything YangYang aspired to be, maybe, without all of the death.

“I don’t know.” YangYang said. “I guess, wherever the wind takes me.”

“Well, that’s a start.” the man said. “The train is here. Best go on your way, then.”

 YangYang felt sad about having to say goodbye to the man. It was always like that over the last few years. He struck up conversations with so many good people, all of their stories worth telling, and then he’d have to say goodbye. Occasionally, they would exchange social media and whatever, but it never felt the same.

“This was nice.” YangYang said. “I really enjoyed hearing stories about your wife. She sounds like someone I would have liked.”

“You would have.” the old man said, his gaze on some distant memory. “Have safe travels and remember what I said, kid. Never stop. Take care.”

  YangYang accepted the man's clap on his shoulder, even though it made him sway even more. The train stopped before him, windows slipping by. In the reflection as it slowed down, he thought he saw someone that looked an awful lot like you behind him, but when he turned around, no one was there.

THREE YEARS LATER- HENDERY

  Since it was raining, the park was empty. Since he considered himself an idiot, he didn’t bring an umbrella. 

 Hendery approached the park bench like it was a bomb that could explode any minute. He looked around before taking off his jacket and stretching it across the surface to soak up some of the water. Then, he sat down and looked out over the grass. He blinked rain off his eyelashes and looked down at his lap. He did everything he could but check his phone. Over time, he looked up at the sky and let the water droplets hit his face. When he had done all the waiting he could do, he got up from the bench. 

“Well.” he said, looking down at his soaked jacket.

 Hendery picked it up from the bench and flung it over his shoulders. He took one last longing look at the bench for beginning to walk away. He was stopped by footsteps coming up from behind him. He turned around, placed the jacket back on the bench and sat down again. Hands on his knees, he stared straight ahead.

“You’re late.” he said.

  The person sat beside him on the bench, their hands on their knees, staring straight ahead. At the same time, the person and Hendery looked at each other. 

 There wasn’t an apology you could say that would fit the crime. Hendery knew that. He looked straight ahead again, but he moved one hand from his knee and used it to hold yours. Your clasped hands sat between you on the bench, solid and true.

 You looked at him before staring straight back ahead. Though it was pouring now, and your skin was slimy and your clothes wet all the way through, you didn’t seem to mind anymore.

[alexsmitposts]

Betrayal of the Kurds, Trump Joins His Predecessors, but Why? America has done little but betray the Kurdish people, over and over. You see, you can only betray someone that trusts you and the Kurds, to a fault, are trusting people who love Americans. Problem is, the Americans the Kurds love don’t run America and, quite frankly, maybe just don’t exist anymore. We begin with this quote from the Daily Beast, a media outlet once controlled by powerful Israeli/American Congresswoman Jane Harman, whose career plummeted when she was caught aiding superspy Jonathan Pollard. That’s another story, the public story is that Pollard was aiding Israel with intelligence on Palestinians. The truth? Pollard destroyed the CIA by accessing lists of deep cover operatives which were sold to the highest bidder, and that would be the Soviet Union. Over 1000 were “liquidated.” I only bring this up as we will, as we go on here, enter a differentiated reality. I served in the KRG with the UN mission at the height of the American occupation. As a diplomat and American who was critical of US policy, I built strong relationships, strong friendships and angered more than a few when I failed to buckle under to US pressure from Baghdad. As with any issue, the first thing we address is or should we why a reader should care, why does it matter now, even if one lives 3000 or 7000 miles away? Always an answer are issues of right and wrong, good and bad, there is a place for morality and justice, even today. Here is our Daily Beast quote, as promised: “It’s clear that Donald Trump feels no remorse over his decision to abandon the U.S. military’s Kurdish allies in Syria to make way for an attack from Turkey. The White House announced late Sunday that U.S. troops will withdraw from northern Syria and leave the Kurds, who have carried out the majority of the fighting against ISIS and led the fight to take down the terror group’s “caliphate,” to face an invasion from Turkey. Writing Monday morning, Trump more or less said “tough luck” to the allies he’s abandoned, saying the Kurds “will now have to figure the situation out.” He wrote: “The Kurds fought with us but were paid massive amounts of money and equipment to do so. They have been fighting Turkey for decades. I held off this fight for almost 3 years, but it is time for us to get out of these ridiculous Endless Wars, many of them tribal, and bring our soldiers home. WE WILL FIGHT WHERE IT IS TO OUR BENEFIT, AND ONLY FIGHT TO WIN.” The president added: ‘We are 7000 miles away and will crush ISIS again if they come anywhere near us!’” The Kurds exist in Turkey, Iraq, Syria and Iran in significant numbers. The land the occupy changes as they have both been ethnically cleansed and acted as “ethnic cleansers” when backed by the US. Thus, Syrians have always had a Kurdish population north of Aleppo and in some Eastern regions but generally deny a historical Kurdish region in Hasakah or particularly in Deir Ezzor, where Kurds removed Arab populations and have acted as a hostile occupying force as demonstrated by widespread uprisings in some areas against Kurdish rule. Inside Iraq, Kurds had held regions north of Bagdad until removed by Saddam Hussein in the 1970s, moved north as their presence threatened control of the massive Kirkuk oil reserves. We are also going to supply some background material now as well, as context is everything and as Trump so often rightfully acknowledges, what the public is told is 100% fake. Run the clock up to 2014 and the lightning ISIS takeover of much of Iraq. I was there at the time, representing a defense group out of the UAE, Britain, France and the US, trying to reorganize Iraq’s military. I won’t go there but saying it was a “fools’ mission” is understatement. You see, the CIA had preceded me with bushels of Saudi cash and a story. They were going to put the minority Sunni population of Iraq back into preeminence but in order to do that, a fake terror group had to be created, one tightly controlled, which would start a civil war that would destroy the powerful Shiite militias backed by Iran and foster an American return. The CIAs goal was to rebuild infrastructure and a political climate that would allow the US to manipulate a divided Iraq into hosting an American invasion of Iran from its soil and ISIS was going to make that possible. Thus, Americans in Iraq during the war on ISIS primarily bombed Iraqi militias fighting ISIS while supplying ISIS and using American resources to keep the war going as long as possible. General Soleimani of Iran had other ideas and had not been considered. In early October, the US again tried to assassinate Soleimani, the 4th or was it the 5th time? We have other stories, Syria is clear, al Qaeda and ISIS allied with Israel and Saudi Arabia with the US both fighting them and aiding them. What the public never understands is that it is the war that matters, not who is fighting or even who is winning or losing, the long game is always built on conflict. Only during conflict can oil and gas prices be openly manipulated making billions, can huge arms contracts be given away and more billions stolen and governments openly corrupted while the public is lulled into permanent hopelessness under newly empowered police state apparatus in the former Western democracies. Do we talk “Turkey,” the plot to overthrow Erdogan? He says it was the CIA, yet he still sits at the table with NATO and regularly visits the US. Thus, we have a Turkish army poised to enter Syria to slaughter the Kurds who soft of fought ISIS, but mostly stole Arab land and channeled Syrian and Iraqi oil, several billion barrels, through Turkey and into world markets enriching whom? We are then reminded of the Kurdish war on ISIS that allowed ISIS oil convoys to drive right through the Kurdish capital of Erbil for years, right though “battle lines” in a war that was 99% “sitzkrieg” and 1% “blitzkrieg.” Yet like the Palestinians, the Kurds wish their own state. Instead, they were pushed to take someone else’s land, empowered by the CIA’s plots against Turkey, Iraq and Syria, a tool to be used and discarded. They fell into a trap any idiot should have seen, one they had been in before, over and over. Where can they turn? Will Damascus and Moscow save them? Some Kurdish units fought alongside Syrian forces to liberate Aleppo. I have spoken with Syrian leaders and Syria is willing to support a Kurdish autonomous zone predicated on US withdrawal and a reestablishment of Arab communities that were crushed by an American/Kurdish incursion that had little or nothing to do with fighting ISIS. Time and time again, ISIS forces were evacuated from areas where claims were made that ISIS forces were “defeated.” Time and time again, ISIS forces were moved to training camps for redeployment in Syria or Afghanistan when it was claimed they were defeated in battle. Reestablishing trust is a problem for the Kurds and, to an extent, why they face obliteration now. Yet there is an inherent decency to the Kurdish people and if they may be faulted it is for trusting the wrong people or for grasping and opportunities “too good to be true” which of course did turn out to be exactly that, “too good to be true.” We then look at Turkey and ask ourselves, is a potential Syrian sovereignty predicated on real security issues? That answer would generally be “no,” a quite emphatic “no.” Turkey hardly has “clean hands” when it comes to Syria. In Idlib, Turkey has worked hand in hand with ISIS and al Qaeda for years, has violated every agreement and only complies when forced with economic sanctions and military defeat. Turkey continues to consider Hatay Turkish land though that region is ethnically Syrian and has been since time immemorial. Across the border into Idlib, the Turkish occupation, hand in hand with Saudi paid al Qaeda, yes, the same al Qaeda at one time accused of staging 9/11, is an undeniable reality. Yet, with the decline of American power, having lost a “playground fight” threat-match with Iran while Saudi Arabia begins to crumble from both within and without, it is clear that Russia holds all the cards. The question isn’t whether the Kurds will be punished but how much punishment will be allowed as the Turkish incursion spits in the face of Russian guarantees of Syrian sovereignty. Behind this all is the survival of Syria. Idlib province, occupied by Turkey, sits on large oil and gas reserves coveted by Turkey and their Israeli partners. A further threat to Turkey is the proposed oil pipeline from Iran to the Mediterranean, which would cut Turkey’s revenue from Iraq’s Kirkuk oil fields. One might also add that Turkey allowed the theft of Iraqi oil, sold through Turkey, largely to Exxon and BP, for many years, under both US and ISIS occupation. A further reminder is Turkey’s role in the looting of Northern Syria. Entire factories were removed, banks looted, everything that could be moved from the most industrialized regions of Syria were trucked into Turkey and divided up by key families loyal to Erdogan. The Ministry of Justice in Damascus has a list, a long list, endless evidence and is unlikely to “forgive and forget” the theft of $100 billion in assets by Turkey. I have reviewed these records personally. Iraq has a similar list and the Baghdad government cites Kurdish complicity in the looting of Iraq by ISIS. All roads to Turkey and the world’s markets go through 100% Kurdish controlled regions, those thousands of oil trucks for instance, escorted out of Iraq by Kurds, not ISIS. Not everyone in the world is ignorant of geography. Yet, when the Kurds face wrath, particularly under the hand least offended, that of Turkey, should they not be defended, particularly by America? Behind this is a longer game, one of preventing the inevitability of an Islamic “super-state” capable of stabilizing the region and setting up a broad trade zone between Europe and China. This, of course, is not just the southern route of the “Silk Road” but something more. Playing the “great game” of divide and conquer, pitting Sunni and Shiite against one another, supporting the terrorist MEK or toying with the Kurds are only ways of putting off what is an inevitability. It isn’t an Islamic nuclear superpower that is feared but rather the most dangerous threat the “elites” and “oligarchs” face of all, of peace “breaking out.”

[xtrafreelancers-blog]

Freelancing in Japan — from Side Hustles to Full Independence

A look at the opportunities available and what is involved in establishing a side-hustle and expanding it to become an independent operator.

As a foreigner resident in Japan, there are likely three freelancing scenarios that you’ve considered.

Stepping Stone: Perhaps you want to work as a full-time employee but need some income to tide you over while you look for a new position. Or, maybe you want to use freelance work to gain skills and connections to help you change careers.

Side Hustle: If you’re currently working full-time, and you don’t have an exclusivity contract with your employer, you may be looking for something that you could do to supplement your income and grow your experience.

Full-Time Career: Perhaps you want to eventually work as a freelancer so that your income is diversified and you have more control over who you work with.

In this article, we’re going to take a look at some of the options available and the logistics involved in getting set up.

The Benefits of Freelancing

Freelancing isn’t a fit for everyone all the time, and I’m not going to try and sell it to you if you’re not ready for it. Also, it may take a while for you to get established, so I’m not going to tell you it will be quick or easy. That said, let’s take a look at some of the benefits you may enjoy if everything comes together for you.

Mobility: You can work from home or from a cafe. If the type of work you do doesn’t require meeting your clients face-to-face, you may even be able to travel.

Income: If you find the right niche and can secure the right clients, then you can end up earning more than you could at a traditional full-time job.

Security: Since you’re not dependent on a single income source, so you have greater stability and more options.

Appreciation: When clients know that you have options and can walk away at any time, they are more likely to treat you with respect and show appreciation for your work.

Learning: Working with a variety of clients that have diverse needs will force you to learn new things and pick up new skills.

Choice: If a client doesn’t appreciate your work or is difficult, you can politely end your working relationship and move on to more appealing opportunities.

Qualifications: While some fields definitely require formal qualifications of some sort, many don’t. If you can show a portfolio of work that demonstrates your competence, then often that is enough.

Online Work

Even though you’re located in Japan, it may not always be feasible for you to attend events to find potential clients. Ditto for visiting client offices for an initial interview and subsequent meetings. In that case, one option is to do work for Japanese companies who are hiring online.

Freelance Job Marketplaces

Conyac is a freelance job marketplace based in Japan. While the site’s interface is available in English, most of its job listings are currently in Japanese, and most clients struggle to communicate in English. Thus, it is best suited to those with advanced Japanese skills.

It can be a good way to get experience working with Japanese clients, it is easy to get started, and you can get paid via PayPal — so you can continue working on the site if you leave Japan.

These are their top job categories:

Translation: Various translation tasks, proofreading, interpreting, localization

Writing: Articles, email newsletters, copywriting, and transcription

They’re working on getting more job listings in these categories:

Business: Legal, tax & accounting, HR, recruitment

Design & Creative: Web design, app design, logo & identity, art & illustration

Digital Content: Images, video, music, animation

Marketing: SEO, branding, social media, research & analysis

Tech & Programming: Web, mobile apps, infrastructure, and data analytics

Other Tasks: Data creation, voice data collection, image data collection, agency work

You can also set up a profile and offer bespoke services via Conyac. Prospective clients might hesitate to inquire to an individual’s website, blog, or social media. However, since platforms such as Conyac have various safeguards in place, clients are more likely to feel confident in trying you for the first time.

Of course, there are some things that don't change when working freelance jobs with clients you find online. Once the project begins, you'll want to communicate openly and clearly and work to create a successful outcome for all.

Work That Requires Offline Availability

Teaching

Online lessons are popular with busy people. However, unless you’re offering something that is specialized and in demand, the rates are likely to be quite low relative to the cost of living. It may not be worthwhile if you’re living in Tokyo. Check out sites such as ClassDo to see if you can find an approach that works for you.

Working Direct

Another alternative is to set up an online presence that showcases what you're offering and attempt to reach prospective clients directly. For example, if you are a graphic designer, you could set up a website showcasing your portfolio, explaining your services, and then try to contact companies that might need your services. Ditto if you’re offering editing services.

Note that unless you’re targeting international businesses in Japan, you’ll need to be able to communicate in Japanese. Perhaps there might be scope to partner with a local who will handle the client sourcing side of things while you take care of the specialized work.

As a foreigner in Japan, you’ll want to position yourself in a niche where you’re leveraging skills, experience, and knowledge that most locals are lacking. Here are some examples that I’ve encountered.

Language Teaching

Language teaching is often the first option that foreigners take and if you’ve been living here a while you’re likely familiar with the options. There are agencies that will send you out to schools and businesses to give lessons. Also, you can offer one-on-one lessons either directly or via an agency. The key is to work towards arrangements that give you more control over your time, location, and pricing.

Consider combining your language teaching skills with something else. For example, parents might like to have their kids take fun art or dancing classes in English.

Photography

Language: As a general rule, most local clients and models will not be able to communicate in English. The flipside of this is that you will stand out somewhat if you are fluent in Japanese.

Location: Most work is in Tokyo, but that shouldn’t discourage you from trying to break into the field if you’re located elsewhere.

Camera: Although the latest top-end smartphones are capable of taking great photos, most clients will still expect you to show up with a “proper camera.” However, one way around this is to impress clients with your portfolio, explain that everything was taken with a smartphone, and then ask if they mind. However, you are likely to command higher rates if you look the part by having an impressive-looking camera.

Portfolio: Decide what you want to focus on. For example, weddings, events, corporate profiles, architecture, real estate, fashion, or food. If your portfolio is lacking, then you may need to take on some free work until you have enough samples to convince clients.

Clients: Don’t expect people to discover your portfolio online and inquire about hiring you. Likely, you’ll need to do some networking at relevant industry events to secure your first gig. Perhaps carry along a tablet so that you can flick through your portfolio and show them relevant works. Have business cards ready with your URL and make sure it has your rates listed. Also, check out local photographer directories or introduction services such as Go Cameramen.

Scope: Make sure clients are clear on exactly what they’re getting for their money. Give them a detailed list of your process and what they can expect in terms of final deliverables.

Web Design & Development

There is a niche business of foreigners who offer web design and development services. A growing number of Japanese companies are open to having either an English version of their existing website or creating a separate site to cater to English-speakers. Other popular languages include Chinese and Korean.

Furthermore, some foreign companies operating in Japan prefer to work with a native speaker of their own language who can set things up the way they want it and coordinate with a Japanese counterpart for the local language sections of the site.

Since the advent of the web, it has become progressively easier for companies to set up websites. However, many still prefer to sit down with a designer or developer who will take a consulting style approach and give them what they need. Similarly, while machine translation has made it easier to offer a multilingual website, it is still preferable to have one that has been properly localized.

There are two ways foreign specialists tend to get business:

Networking at relevant events

Developing a relationship with an agency who outsources work to them

Software Development

Japan is suffering from a lack of engineers in various fields, including software development. It is common to hire freelancers who might visit their office for face-to-face meetings when required. Sometimes foreign engineers are more likely to have expertise in specific software languages. Or, it could be that they need a native speaker of a foreign language for some reason.

Scour local job boards to find work and attend relevant networking events with a business card that links to some kind of portfolio — or perhaps your GitHub profile.

I am not a lawyer or accountant, and the laws are evolving. Rather than risk giving you erroneous advice, and assuming you already have an idea of how things work in Japan, I’ll just say the following.

Visas, Tax, Health Insurance, Pension, etc.

Visas: Visit the nearest office of the Immigration Bureau of Japan.

Taxes, Health Insurance, Pension: Visit your local city office if you have any questions. In any case, always be sure to pay everything on time otherwise you’re unnecessarily making life difficult for yourself by damaging your records.

Sole Proprietor vs. Company: Unless you plan on hiring full-time staff, you’re probably best off going the route of a sole proprietor. It’s generally cheaper and more straightforward. However, having a company can give you more options.

Documents: Keep a copy of all documents, including records of any bills or payments. You’re going to get a ton. I use the Genius Scan app to “scan” them into PDFs, have it send the files to my Google Drive account, and keep everything organized in folders. I suggest you take a similar approach because you never know when you’ll need to be able to dig up and refer to some obscure document.

Consultants: There is no legal requirement for you to use any kind of consultants, such as a lawyer or accountant. However, they can be very helpful if you can afford their services. As a general rule, the ones which offer services in English cost more.

Assistant: If you are earning enough, you might find it makes sense to hire a local assistant to handle the administrative side of your solopreneur business.

Closing Words

As with anything in Japan, building a successful career as a freelancer isn’t going to be quick or easy. However, it is possible if you position yourself in the right niche, figure out how to get clients, satisfy them with excellent service, and maintain relationships.

____________________

Written by DLKR

Cover photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash + edits

Originally published on Xtra.blog

[simonmeadows]

CHARACTER CHART:

Character’s full name: Simon Benjamin Meadows Reason or meaning of name: The name has greek/Hebrew roots and basically means “He (God) has heard”. In his case, however, the name came from his deceased Grandfather. Character’s nickname: No known nicknames have been given to this date. Reason for nickname: Birth date: 20th April, 1990

PSYCHICAL APPEARANCE: 

Age: 29 How old does he/she appear: Depends on whether he shaves or not, but around 26-28 Weight: - (i never bother with this part sorry) Height: 6′2 Body build: Broad shoulders, look far more fit/athletic than he is. Shape of face: Soft, oval/round Eye color: Blue Glasses or contacts: None Skin tone: Caucasian Distinguishing marks: Light freckles Predominant features: His eyes, he has a unqiue shape along with his eyebrows. Hair color: Dirty blond Type of hair: Flat Hairstyle: Short, messy  Voice: Garrett’s own (bc unf) Overall attractiveness: This would be biased to answer so I’ll let you rate him on your own. Physical disabilities: None, atm ;) Usual fashion of dress: Casual, t-shirts/sweatshirts and whatever pants he can find clean. Favorite outfit: Simple one colored t-shirt, jacket and dark colored jeans. Jewelry or accessories: None

PERSONALITY:

Good personality traits: Helpful, open-minded, supportive Bad personality traits: Unlucky, paranoid, prideful Mood character is most often in: Mostly helpful and chatty, a little tired at his worst. Sense of humor: Dark, ironic and sarcastic Character’s greatest joy in life: His daughter Character’s greatest fear: Losing the little he has/not being enough Why?: Due to his parents' constant habit of ripping everything he cares about and for out of his hands and because of emotional/mental abuse. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?: Losing his stability, mostly Hayley. Character is most at ease when: He’s home or out doing things with the people he loves and cares for. Most ill at ease when: Stuck with his parents, especially his father. Enraged when: Something unfair happens to him, Hayley or a close friend of his; or when his father starts to demand impossible tasks out of him/demand too much. Depressed or sad when: He’s tired/had a fight with someone. Priorities: Hayley Life philosophy: He doesn’t have one. If granted one wish, it would be: To cut off contact with his parents and gain full custody of Hayley.  Why?: Because it would remove at least 70% of his overall stress and pressure.  Character’s soft spot: Children, cooking  Is this soft spot obvious to others?: Children are, cooking not so much as it’s a new hobby he picked up after Hayley’s birth. Slowly building his skills!  Greatest strength: His ability to get back up after a harsh experience. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Is easily stressed out, panics when it gets too much and his daughter, of course. Biggest regret: His teenage years. He was quite an asshole during high school.  Minor regret: Not trying harder during high school. Biggest accomplishment: Finding a form of stability for himself. Minor accomplishment: Actually graduating from the University with a degree. Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: His criminal records and dyslexia.  Why?: Hm, wonder. he has a pretty heavy stigma around his dyslexia as well. Doesn’t want to acknowledge it.  Character’s darkest secret: His actual relationship with his parents. Unless you’re involved with them/know about their closed-door behaviors he’s not gonna breathe a word about it. Does anyone else know?: His aunt and cousins + old babysitters/employees.

GOALS:

Drives and motivations: Making sure Hayley has a stable childhood. Immediate goals: Get better at cooking, learn some further life skills!  Long term goals: Same as drive!  How the character plans to accomplish these goals: By powering on and becoming a better parent. Keeping Hayley away from her mom and his parents is another.  How other characters will be affected: Thus far, no one beyond Simon and Hayley. 

PAST:

Hometown: Montréal, Canada Type of childhood: Wild/Unstable Pets: None First memory: Often recalls himself playing in the backyard of their mansion, digging around in the dirt and pulling up plants, much to the gardener’s disliking. Most important childhood memory: "I think that would have to be my first Christmas at Merveille Hotel. I was six and my parents had decided to go out of town for the weekend so I was stuck with the staff during the day. Yes, my parents paid someone from the staff to babysit me whenever they left, always someone who wanted to spend two days in a big house and make a quick buck. Anyway, Christmas at that place is just… amazing. Lights everywhere, people who are dressed up to entertain kids, live shows, candy and food in masses and it’s basically heaven for a six-year-old. I spent the day following my babysitter around and her family came by during dinner and we sat together around the main family table – I remember everyone laughed, awe:ed at the live music and I ate so much I didn’t even own the will to drag myself home. Sadly enough she quit her job only a few months after that… but I still appreciate that she had the heart to treat me like a person. I’ve always lived to give Hayley that same feeling whenever a holiday comes around.” Why: It reminded him of everything he wanted to have and it’s the feeling he often lean on during his own parenthood journey as he wanted Hayley to have the same reasons to smile and feel at home. Childhood hero: The typical 80′s - 90′s action heroes. Dream job: None, wasn’t allowed to have one. Education: Has a business degree. Religion: Atheist Finances: Wealthy

PRESENT:

Current location: Perfection Valley, Nevada Currently living with: His daughter Pets: None (but Hayley always ends up with a cat named Thomas omg) Religion: Atheist, but wouldn’t mind discussing religion if it happens with the right person Occupation: Waiter at Saloon Finances: Lower to middle class

FAMILY:

Mother: Patricia Meadows Relationship with her: Bad, if she’s drunk she can’t even remember his name. Father: Benjamin Meadows Relationship with him: Bad, strict. Siblings: None Relationship with them: Spouse: None.  Relationship with him/her: Children: Hayley Meadows Relationship with them: Close, not about to change. Other important family members: His aunt, two cousins

FAVORITES:

Color: Yellow or green Least favorite color: Pink Music: Rock and electro Food: Hamburgers Literature: HAH. (Has literally never finished a book) Form of entertainment: Social activities Mode of transportation: Car or by foot Most prized possession: Besides a few pictures Hayley’s made, most of his possessions are fairly new.

HABITS:

Hobbies: Cooking Plays a musical instrument?: No Plays a sport?: Used to play basketball How he/she would spend a rainy day: Watch a movie with Hayley, play around with some new recipe he’s found. Might even take Hayley outside if the rain isn’t too rough.  Spending habits: Slim, he has learned to value money quite a lot. Smokes: No Drinks: Recently started again Other drugs: No What does he/she do too much of?: Worry What does he/she do too little of?: Make choices of his own Extremely skilled at: Nothing, he hasn’t been allowed to really discover anything to such a degree. But he has things he’s slowly working up his skills with. Extremely unskilled at: Math, processing information, focusing on too many things at once. Nervous tics: Avoids eye contact, laughs Usual body posture: Straight, feels confident and open.  Peculiarities: None

TRAITS:

Optimist or pessimist?: Tries to be an optimist Introvert or extrovert?: Extrovert Daredevil or cautious?: Used to be a daredevil, is now something in between. Logical or emotional?: Also in the middle, depends on why or what Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?: Very messy Prefers working or relaxing?: Both! As long as the work is right. Confident or unsure of himself/herself?: Acts confident, is unsure. Animal lover?: Not quite. Scared of dogs. 

SELF-PERCEPTION:

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Due to abuse, Simon doesn’t value himself highly. He’s not proud of the person he used to be and often thinks people can spend their time more wisely than with him. One word the character would use to describe self: Stupid One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: Simon would describe himself as unstable, but reliable to those who matter to him. Insecure, but confident enough to establish his part in this world as a hardworking father. He wouldn’t call himself bright, but he’d tell you that he tries – even if it might not always be enough. He’s a man constantly learning from past mistakes and someone ready to fight for a better future. What does the character consider his/her best personality trait?: His newfound compassion What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait?: His paranoia What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic?: His face, it has gotten him far What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic?: Nothing, really, he’s actually pretty confident when it comes to his looks. How does the character think others perceive him/her: Outgoing, positive and helpful What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: His attitude against himself

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS:

Opinion of other people in general: They’re fine, often fun to be around. Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others?: Opinions, no, emotions, yes. Person character most hates: His parents Best friend(s): Audrey Wright Love interest(s): None atm Person character goes to for advice: Audrey Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Hayley Person character feels shy or awkward around: None atm Person character openly admires: People with a good spirit, those that mean well and care for others. Person character secretly admires: People who seem to have their lives together Most important person in character’s life before story starts: His cousins, they’ve always been pretty tight and it was a welcomed break whenever they came to visit.  After story starts: Hayley, Audrey (maybe some more later on!)

[hanzi83]

The Real Birthday Blog

So it’s another year that has gone by. The last several birthdays that have passed by, which have never been strong since my inception, there has always been horrible birthdays for me, whether it is just people not making a big deal, or arguments breaking out, leading to months of awkwardness and tension consistently building. I have already done a periscope, but I figured since I wrote a blog yesterday, then deleted it, and I don’t know why I do that, because anything I have written or thought about, they are fully aware of it. I can’t be too much of a wildcard for these people, because they can’t afford to have my thoughts wandering, without them keeping a careful eye out on it, and again this could be true, but there are no facts to pass it up, so just assume this is just some delusional theory I have concocted from out of nowhere.

I hate this time of the year, and if the curse of my birthday being shitty every year wasn’t enough, I am currently in a position where it is extremely difficult to out maneuver these loops they keep throwing me and I constantly feel like nothing will be resolved, and the fear of the future and what has transpired behind my back, mixed with the potential of people I know who will try to politic their way in my life and I feel have never forgive me for whatever I have said or done. I would much rather not be here to see all of this take place, and if I am completely off the mark, then what is the point of being here? I am not being malicious? If there are secrets that exist in my world, and I constantly have to act sane and not lose my temper, because they are waiting for that so they can use my mental illness against me.

It has come clear that I am not important to some people anymore. It is mostly my fault, but the distance has driven me further down the depression and now realizing the elite association that people in my life have and I have been reduced to be being a discredited loser in his mothers basement and because part of that is by design and the other part is this self defeated mentality, I have to deal with what is presented and what is presented has made me seem like a delusional piece of shit who is extremely narcissistic and egotistical because he thinks the world owes him something, and don’t buy into the industry type who spew out how the worlds owes no one anything, and then you are told to be a man. It sounds simple of enough, while they withhold the hidden rules that they claim doesn’t exist, and they use it as a way to push down mentally ill people who have to cope with the sad reality that this world is.

I only ask for death for my birthday present. Nothing malicious, just a simple send off. I know I will not get that wish met, but it would be so much easier on people I know. They can live openly and honestly and not worry about my childish tantrums, and if they system was ever to give me power to accumulate at the end of all this, it could go amongst them, because you know that if I have power, I will be forced to do the same things that the older generation have done to keep the power, and I am not sure I could be that person, while also realizing that the more power you have, the more it is likely you will be that person. It scares me. I am scared to try and succeed.

I don’t know what anyone’s agenda is. I can write these thought out blogs, but the stuff these trolls, who claim they are fans of mine, will focus on the extremely negative and lie about what my social platforms entail. It really makes me sad that these people could be known, paid or maybe they just locally know me, and the fact they would partake in this behavior makes me question what is the point. You can just fucking end me. I am sick of having one good night for a year and then being put back in the basement. I know this will never end, because it is too fun for the ones who hold the power over my head and pretend it is just a normal life we live.

I will always be bitter and insecure and will always be haunted by the mental torture that has been bestowed upon me, and what is scary about it, is that it comes in such a subtle form where it makes people look like they are the sole problem, and not that there is a system in place to fuck with these people, then you wonder why so many people out there have problems and are blamed for things they never even did. There is never real justice. I am too scared to go out and do anything. I am not worthy enough to be here. It is becoming clear as each birthday passes. I thought I could enjoy this “fame” things for my 20’s and early 30’s and now I am 34, and even though people think its still fairly young, I still feel like I am 50, and I feel like it will never go back to being at a satisfactory level. I will constantly haunted by these memories, and the envisioning of how this all plays out, and the potential political moves behind the scene. Why even be here to find out how this plays out? Just give the people who want it all, everything and guess what we don’t have to ever talk about it.

They have teased me over the course of the last several years about getting to know the answers, and me having to make changes, and I obliged, but not enough to the point where the next phase in their plan has stepped up and it is like they are testing my irrational behavior and making a mark mentally to make lose my temper. They capitalize on my anger, and due to me being an attention seeker, I give in because it has been difficult, when you were on one of the biggest radio shows ever and now I am ranting on periscope about sex cults and politics within social circles and industries that exist.

Every year I put on a tough exterior and say I don’t care about my birthday, but the truth is I do, but I am smart enough to be aware that nothing will ever be done to make it a good day, because I have been set in my own ways and pushed everyone away, and now I am afraid of knowing what the reality in what is going on, and who is associated with who, and it has made me just sit in my basement regretting everything that has taken place. I waste my creative energy on these blogs, but I need to get these thoughts out. It feels like I will never be able to shake this trauma, and as far as I can tell, they have plans to continue this. I think their goal is to try to get me to snap. I just want to sit back and cry to myself like the pussy I am, because you can’t be emotional, and it is considered being a sad sack all the time, but guess what that is the reality of mental illness.

I know a lot of these trolls would rather troll with their negative behavior to make themselves feel good, than actually deal with their real emotions and how they are even more miserable than me, even with the perks they are awarded, or the benefits they reap, but they will constantly come towards me to make me feel less than, when I am better than most of these people, if they need to constantly harass me or make me feel like shit just to test my mental stability. It is tiresome. I wish I could leave. It will never get better.

Look at how I am spending my birthday, I am writing a fucking blog. This is probably where the summer for me peaks, I know it doesn’t beat private gatherings, perks to go to concerts and sporting events. I get it, I am living a pathetic life, I am getting high off the likes on face book and likes on my social media platforms, and those well wishes. It is sad that is what is considered a highlight in my existence. I know it seems pathetic to put it all out there, but I am willing to be vulnerable and I can do it on the surface, because anyone who tries to make it seem like a horrible thing, and I admit it isn’t a favorable thing at times for my image, but what image is there really? So it is easy for people to judge someone like me for speaking my mind, and being irrational and analyzed the thought patterns, while you sit behind anonymous accounts and chastising people about safe spaces. It angers the fuck out of me. I guess that is the point.

I don’t know what this blog accomplishes, but like the many that came before it, it will probably make matters worse, no one likes when I rationalize myself, even if you don’t believe me or buy into anything I type, you at least know I come from a genuine place. I know I will never have vindication, and I know they will continue with these tactics. It makes it even worse to know that without any remorse they will continue these actions. I have been fucked with this technology and have been addicted to all of it because you have to know what is going on and what the latest trend is, even though I don’t follow trends completely. I have dated clothes, I don’t know what money I should have access to, I don’t know the overall plans of what will happen. I know the common misconception that seemingly everyone doesn’t know what will happen, but I don’t believe that, because I think if you are an enlightened one, you have some idea where to go, and what to do, and when to prepare for your demise. It is just me. and there is no proof to all of this officially.

Anyways, thanks to the ones who wished me happy birthday. It sounds sad and pathetic, but those are probably the highlight of my birthday because I am so alone and can’t trust anyone ever again because I have been screwed over too many times, and it will keep continuing. So as much as  I never wanted this to be my outcome of life, I have to deal with it, and that people in your life will constantly lie, whether its for my protection or for their own agenda. It hurts and it will continue to hurt, but these people at the top thrive on it and they love people suffering in agony, because they can manipulate them and no one will believe a fucking word.

Enjoy the perks, enjoy everything you got. I will try to enjoy my birthday but quite frankly I will just escape to my alternative reality in the form of a dream and its extremely pathetic I concocted a theory that my dreams are where things take place, but we are told a limited story because they are afraid to tell us how powerful our minds are. So that is what I have. It will always sit on my conscience. I am forever haunted. I think I have to accept it. No one really gives a fuck about me, or at least it feels that way.