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t-lostinworlds · 4 years

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Hold On (Tom Holland)

a/n: hello, surprise? but yes, so, i was kind of in a funk for a bit and when that happens, i write angst. then i heard the song (i was listening to my sad playlist as u do aha) and here we are. i wrote this fairly quick so bear with it as it may seemed rushed (it is) so it may be bad heh. also, i suggest listening to the song while reading for full effect.

pairing: tom holland x female reader summary: You locked yourself in the bathroom when things got overwhelming. Tom felt worried when it went quiet inside for too long, heart stopping by what he saw when he broke through the door. based on song: Hold On - Chord Overstreet warnings: drug overdose (vaguely written & only on tom's pov), angst, brief panic attack, open(?) but happy ending. word count: 3.2k+

masterlist on bio & pinned post

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**US/UK HELPLINES & FREE 24/7 SUICIDE HOTLINES IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES**

~~~

"I can't do better in helping if you don't tell me what's wrong Y/N," Tom said softly, concerned eyes staring right into your troubled ones.

He had his arms open wide as he slowly inched towards your trembling form, making sure to not get too close, too fast. He doesn't want to overwhelm you by being all over your personal space, he doesn't want to stress you out even more by crowding you. Tom knew he needed to be gentle, patient, giving you enough space to breath but also showing that you can jump into his arms whenever you need to, whenever you're ready to.

"That's the thing Tom, I don't know what's wrong," you started with a shaky intake of breath. "I just feel this pit in my stomach and sometimes it gets so overwhelming in my head about everything, about what I'm even doing with my life, if I'm doing enough, if I am enough. I'm overthinking about everything and I just feel so lost and angry for not knowing what's wrong with me. And I—I am so tired," you admitted, tears slipping down your cheeks as you ran your palm over your face in frustration.

To see your agitated state, to hear the hurt and frustration in your voice, added with your heavy words, it just broke Tom's heart to pieces. You didn't need to elaborate what you meant by 'being tired' because he understood, both physically, emotionally, but especially mentally. And Tom's frown could only deepen as you continued.

"And you can't do better Tom, you don't need to. You've already done so much for me. You've put up with my shit for so long. I've already put you through so much," you trailed off at the end of your sentence, bottom lip quivering as you stared at him with utter guilt.

The look of distress on his features was hurting you so much. You just want to see him happy, that's what he truly deserves. But now it seems like you're not giving him that anymore. Not giving him enough happiness, just nights of him being worried about you, stressed because of you.

"I feel like lately, all I've done is be a burden to my family, to everyone in my life, but even more to you."

Tom shook his head frantically as he took a few steps forward. "No, don't say that love," he whispered.

Once he reached a safe distance, he gently took your hand in his, touch soft, comforting. You let him hold you, eyes trained on the way your fingers intertwined but never looking up. You couldn't bear to hold his gaze, especially with the obvious sadness that swam in them.

"Darling, look at me," Tom coaxed, giving your hands a tender squeeze. With a deep intake of breath, you willed yourself to meet his eyes again. Those brown orbs bring you so much happiness, and to see them filled with everything but, to know that you're the sole reason why they're not coated with that lovely glow, it only makes you feel guiltier.

"You know that's not true Y/N," he said firmly, but you only shook your head at him with a soft whimper, his voice unable to break through the loud screams that filled your mind.

"Angel, you are not a burden to me. I'll always be here for you no matter what, remember? Didn't I promise you that, love?" Tom tried again, both hands going to cup your face as he gently wiped your tears away with his thumb. "When I said I wanted to be here for you, with all the joy and the chaos, all the demons we're made of, I meant that with every beat of my heart Y/N."

"But you deserve so much better Tom," you croaked, nimble fingers wrapping around his wrists, leaning into his warm touch with bottom lip jutted out as fresh tears dampened your cheeks once more.

"No, I don't," Tom objected. "You're all I want, all I ever need, please believe that, believe me Y/N," he whispered, forehead pressed up against yours as his eyes held nothing but truth.

Still, it wasn't enough to help subside the roaring demons in your mind. Not because Tom didn't hold any importance or his words any power, no, he's everything to you. But tonight they just happen to be a lot stronger, the loud and guttural voices. They were blocking anything that's trying to get through to you, blocking the only thing that always seemed to easily get through to you which was Tom.

"I just—I need to think. I-I need to be alone," you muttered under your breath. Although reluctant, Tom nodded, figured that if that was what you wanted, then he will give it to you.

"Okay," he sighed, placing a tender kiss on your forehead, the warmth of his lips on your skin making you close your eyes with a shaky breath. It was a sweet, rather mundane kiss, but it was one that lasted a few seconds longer than normal before he lets you go. Tom's grip around you slowly loosened, your heart growing heavier as you feel his touch gradually disappear.

You quickly turned on your heel with your head down, arms wrapped around your body to stop you from crumbling to the floor. Tom hesitantly stood still in his place, a certain feeling in his gut growing as he watched you walk towards the bathroom. As you were about to shut the door, his voice stopped you.

"Y/N?" he called out.

You turned around with a hum, meeting those brown orbs you've grown to adore with every inch of you. So many emotions were swimming in them, but only one struck you the most, even more so when he opened those lips to let it out into the air, loud, clear and sincere.

"I love you."

You gave him a small smile, trying your best to suppress your sobs as more tears ran down your cheek. And softly, you said,

"I love you too Tom, so much."

There was something about the way your voice trembled that made Tom feel even more uneasy, but he decided to let it go, thought that it was just him stressing over nothing at all.

The bathroom door slamming shut was what he heard next, a frustrated hand running through his hair as he stared at the white painted wood for a whole minute. With a sharp exhale of breath, Tom looked at it for a few seconds more.

Once he heard the running water on the sink, he made his way out of your shared bedroom, body slumped with deep frown still intact. His demeanor was quick to catch the attention of his brother who was sitting on the living room couch, the only other person in the house as of the moment.

"Is she okay?"

Tom could only flash Harry a sad, forced smile, not speaking any words as he went straight to the kitchen to get you some water and a bit of food. You haven't eaten anything yet and it was worrying him even more.

It wasn't long until Tom was back in the bedroom, setting the glass of water and the plate of your favorite sandwich on the nightstand.

The silence that filled the room was uncanny, nervousness coating the lad slowly as he stood completely still. Tom's eyes landed on the closed door of the bathroom, a lump forming in his throat as he found the negative thoughts that grew in his mind harder to ignore.

He took long strides towards the door, pressing an ear on the surface as he tried to listen to something, hoping to hear anything. Tom felt his heart quicken its pace as the silence screamed in his ear, brain quick to jump into horrible, dreadful conclusions.

"Darling? Are you okay in there?" he called, fingers twitching as his eyes landed on the metal knob.

No response...

"Darling?" Tom tried again, voice even louder, fear growing stronger as he grabbed the doorknob, chills running down his spine once the cold surface touched his skin.

Silence...

"Y/N, if you're not going to answer I'm kicking this fucking door down," Tom growled frantically, grip on the doorknob tightening as he tried to shake it open.

Nothing...

With an anxious breath, Tom walked away until he reached a safe distance, lifting a leg up and with all his might, kicked the door just by the keyhole, the wood snapping in its place as it swung open.

Tom ran inside but immediately froze, blood drained out of his whole body at the sight of you, heart coming to a halt for a full second as he shook his head in utter fear.

"No, no, no," he rushed, scrambling towards your limp, unconscious form on the white tiled floor, the bottle of painkillers right beside you, so close to empty. Tom was breathing rapidly as he pulled you onto his lap, vision turning blurry as he cleared the hair away from your face.

"Y/N! Wake up love, p-please wake up," Tom stammered, fingers shaking as he brought it up to your neck to the side of your windpipe, urgently feeling for your heartbeat. Cold sweats coated his entire body once he felt a faint one. It was there, but barely.

"No, don't—p-please don't leave me!" he cried out, head pounding as he shifted in his place, adrenaline at an all-time high as he hoisted you up in his arms. "Harry! Harry please!" Tom screamed after his brother as he rushed outside the bathroom and into the hallway, the lad in question rushing towards his brother's voice with sheer worry on his freckled face.

"What—"

"Start the car! Her breathing is getting slower," Tom choked on his words. The twin didn't waste any time as he bolted towards the kitchen island to grab the keys and went straight to the front door, held it open until Tom was out with you, alarmingly unmoving in his hold.

Once the car door was slammed shut with you and Tom in the backseat, Harry veered right out of the driveway and drove fast like your life depended on it, because it did.

Tom kept you close to his heaving chest, mumbling sweet but desperate nothings against your hair, silently praying as he tried his best to contain his shock.

The slower your heart beats, the faster Tom's heart raced, your body cold to the touch, his head spinning at the dreadful feeling. Tom felt so helpless just staring at your expressionless features, his clammy palms resting on your cheek as he kept talking to you.

"Hold on, I still want you angel, please hold on," he whispered over and over, hoping that you were able to hear him, hoping that the sound of his voice will stop you from fading into the light.

He was glad that the drive to the hospital was only five minutes away, but with you lying still, turning colder by the second in his arms, time seemed to go slower, agonizingly slower. There was no doubt that it was the longest, most painful five minutes Tom has ever endured in his life.

***

The bright hospital lights were blinding the moment Tom rushed inside with you in his arms, his voice hoarse as he screamed for help until the nurses came to your aid. They took you away on the table, your whole body lying motionless as they checked for your pulse. He didn't want to let you go, didn't want to let you out of his sight in fear that it would be the last time he'll see you with a bit of life left. But despite his protests, he was met by double doors slamming closed on his face.

Both of Tom's hands tugged at his hair in pure agitation, bottom lip caught between his teeth to try and suppress his sobs. He was pacing anxiously as his eyes kept steady on the door of the room where you disappeared into, lungs struggling to provide oxygen, unable to keep up with his raging heart.

He felt a hand grabbed at his shoulder, unable to see the person as they immediately pulled him in for a tight hug. But he didn't need to, he knew who it was, he knew what his brother's embrace felt like. Tom's whole body shook in Harry's hold as loud and broken sobs came out of him, arms wrapping around his brother for mere support, knowing that his legs are about to give out any second.

"I d-don't want to lose her, I can't lose her H-Harry, I—" Tom felt his throat start to close up, his grip around his younger brother turning vice-like as he gasped for air.

"Hey, hey Tom, breathe," Harry rushed, grabbing Tom's shoulders, pulling him away and holding him in arm's length. "You're alright, just breathe."

Tom shut his eyes tight and tried to regain his breathing, calming himself as best as he could. A whimper came out of him as he shook his head slowly, opening his eyes to meet Harry's with nothing but utmost fear and pain swimming in them.

"I c-can't imagine a world without her, I can't—"

"Then don't. You're not losing her Tom. She's going to be fine. She's a very strong girl. You, out of all people, know that," Harry reassured, giving his shoulder a squeeze for good measure.

"Fuck, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have left her alone. I knew something wasn't right before she even—I should've tried harder," Tom sobbed as he ran his shaking fingers through his hair, bottom lip quivering as he casted his eyes on the floor in shame.

"Tom you did the best that you could. No one could've seen this coming. Y/N wouldn't want you blaming yourself. You know it hurts her when you blame yourself," Harry said softly, rubbing his back comforting as he shot him a knowing look.

Tom rubbed the nape of his neck as he nodded with deep, strangled breaths. He pressed his lips into a tight line as he didn't say another word because Harry was right. You always get even more upset when you see him blame himself for something out of his control.

"You just sit here and wait alright? I'm going to get you some water."

He only shot Harry a small but thankful smile, the younger lad giving him one last hug before he disappeared down the opposite side of the hallway.

Tom cleared his mind and thought of nothing but you being safe. You are going to be safe, alive and well, because he wouldn't know what to do with himself if you weren't.

***

It was an hour and half later until the doctor came out. Tom scrambled on his feet as she asked about who was there for you. His nails were digging into his palms, creating crescent shapes on the skin as he held his breath, dreadfully waiting for her to speak.

"We've managed to pump all the drugs out of her system. She's stable now but still unconscious," the doctor said. Tom lets out a big puff of breath, his whole body relaxing as he felt the weight of the universe lift off his shoulders. Tom grabbed onto Harry for support once he almost lost his balance, just feeling relieved to hear that you were fine, still breathing.

"Is she going to be okay?" Harry asked when Tom can't seem to form any words, the older brother squeezing his shoulder as a way to silently say thank you.

The doctor nodded with a small smile. "We still need to keep a close eye on her until she makes a full recovery. There are still a few dangers that can occur given that she's consumed quite a handful."

Tom stood straighter as he cleared his throat, "Can I see her?"

"Right this way."

***

The sound of the soft beeps of the heart rate monitor oddly felt comforting to Tom as he entered the room. It was a mixture of relief but also hurt the moment his eyes landed on your sleeping form, hooked up to all these wires and tubes as you lay peacefully on the white bed.

He would've just stood still on his place, just staring with a deep from if Harry hadn't given him an encouraging tap on back. Tom flashed him a small smile before Harry closed the door, giving Tom some time alone with you for as long as he needed.

Slowly, he made his way over to your side, pulling up a chair beside the bed and letting out a shaky breath once he sat down. It was when he reached over to hold your hand did Tom start to bawl his eyes out, body shaking with full on sobs as he lifted your nimble fingers and pressed it on his damp, flushed cheek.

"You're okay. You're going to be okay love," he whimpered, not sure if he was saying those words to reassure you or himself. He turned his head to place a warm, tender kiss on your palm before he cupped your hand with both of his, his thumb sweetly stroking the back of it.

"It may sound selfish but you know I can't just let you go. I'm not that strong. Not as strong as you," Tom paused, giving your hand a squeeze, just waiting patiently for you to return it. "So, come on, darling, come back to me," Tom begged, a choked sob following after as his teardrops soaked the white sheets.

"I still need you. I will always need you," he continued, voice merely above a whisper as he tried his best to keep his breathing steady. "You're going to wake up and tell me to take you home, yeah?"

"We're going home," Tom breathed out with a small nod. "You're going to come back to me, and we're going home." Tom's voice broke at the end of his sentence, his head dropping low as he screwed his eyes shut, an overwhelming feeling rising in him that he couldn't stop the tears from falling continuously.

Tom just wants you to be back in his arms, wants you safe and warm in the comfort of your shared bed. He just wants to hear your hearty laugh echo in the kitchen as you make breakfast together. He wants to hear your scolding whenever he leaves dirty clothes on the floor, or the little arguments on whose turn it was to load the dishwasher.

Tom just wants to take you home.

Then once you do, once you come back home, he will take your hand and make things right, help make things better. And with all that he is, all that he has, with every beat of his heart, Tom will swear to love you all his life.

"Come home to me Y/N."

It was then Tom felt it, the light squeeze around his hand, his head shooting up as he looked at you expectantly. It was completely unmatched, the utter joy and relief that coated every inch of his bones. The sound was music to his ears, happiness filling him up to the brim once he heard your sweet, lovely voice.

"Tom?"

~~~

“Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.” – Unknown

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