#chris literally bleeding out 5 feet away: can i get some assistance here?

[booklove22]

Me: “cheating is unforgivable and disgusting”

Also Me, watching the Rookie ep where Chen and Bradford almost cheat on their significant others with each other:

[junker-town]

Shohei Ohtani is back, and baseball is good unless you’re the Orioles

It was a good week for baseball, unless you happen to be on the Orioles or a fan of the Orioles.

We’ve passed the mathematical halfway point of the 2018 MLB season. We’re approaching the figurative halfway point of the 2018 MLB season. And I’m not sure if any of us really know what’s going on.

[production assistant hands me an index card with nothing but MAX MUNCY in 30-point font]

Look, I don’t have time for this, please send your note through the appropriate channels. It’s hard enough to check the standings every day, much less all of the individual performances.

Watching videos until my eyes bleed? Oh, sure, I can do that. And it’s this sort of curation that keeps us coming back every week to review the previous seven days and 100 games of baseball. Because if we don’t do that, we’ll never get the chance to remember that ...

Baseball is good, actually

Click here for the video if you’ve discovered this on Google AMP or Apple News or Lycos Lynx. It’s worth it.

For on the first pitch of a game between the Orioles and Twins, Jake Cave made a stellar catch.

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It is our solemn right to pretend that the first pitch of a ballgame is more important than it actually is. Listen to the crowd cheer extra loud for that first called strike, as if to say, “Yes, good, everything seems to be in order.” And when that first pitch is hit over the fence, the pitcher on the mound has to hear the sound of tens of thousands of people rolling their eyes at the same time. We paid $150 for this.

Don’t forget to appreciate the actual catch, though. If you grew up playing baseball or softball, I’m sure at one point, you positioned yourself under a short fence and had a friend throw a ball just over it. Usually your idiot friend would throw it too high or low or off to the side, and you could never get it just right. Then after several unremarkable failures, you would have to go over the fence and retrieve all the baseballs, feeling stupid the whole time. I never did make one of those catches, even when I was trying to.

I think I might go to a park and have my daughter throw some balls just over the fence. I need closure.

Cave was ready on the first pitch to live our dreams for us. He was ready. He was capable. And the ball just happened to be in the perfect spot

Baseball is a hideous gully monster, actually

The decision to watch an Orioles game on purpose right now has to come with a long, extended sigh that resonates from deep within your toes. Within five seconds, you’re reminded that the taste of ash and feathers in your mouth is coming from the ash and feathers in your mouth. The Orioles shoveled it in there when you were sleeping.

The Orioles are in the middle of a six-game losing streak. It’s their fifth-longest losing streak of the season.

The Red Sox haven’t had a losing streak of six games or longer since 2015.

The Orioles are on pace to lose 11 more games than the 1988 team that lost 21 straight games to open the season. If they have to lose an obscene number of games, fine, pluck their nose hairs out on live TV. But don’t rob them of a homer on the first pitch.

That’s just being a jerk, baseball.

Let us study this baseball thing

Jeff Mathis pitched for the Diamondbacks on Sunday and got the loss.

On its own, this probably isn’t worthy of study. Position players pitch a lot more now, which suggests they’re likelier to come into close games. What we need to figure out is how hosed a team has to be in order to rely on a position player in extra innings.

Pretty hosed.

Stop that. All I’m saying is that we need to know what inning managers usually give up. We’ll look at the last 10 occurrences because it’s the golden era of mid-inning pitching changes, which increases the chances of a manager running out of pitchers. We’ll also limit our search to that many because I’m lazy.

Jeff Mathis Inning: 16th Score: 3-3 Result: Loss (1 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9 Did a starter enter in relief? Yes

Of note is that Wil Myers described Mathis as having the best stuff of any position player he’s ever faced.

Also of note: He’s only faced one other position player in the majors, which means his quote was basically a honking, rude subtweet of Dean Anna.

Ryan Goins Inning: 18th Score: 1-1 Result: No decision (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Darwin Barney Inning: 19th Score: 1-1 Result: Loss (1 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9, if you count Ryan Goins Did a starter enter in relief? No

John Baker Inning: 16th Score: 3-3 Result: Win (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Baker scored the winning run because he’s a proper legend.

Leury Garcia Inning: 14th Score: 4-4 Result: Loss (2 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Casper Wells Inning: 18th Score: 7-7 Result: Loss (5 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9 Did a starter enter in relief? Yes

Also of note: He was relieved by utility infielder John McDonald, who allowed one of the inherited runners to score.

Darnell McDonald Inning: 17th Score: 6-6 Result: Loss (3 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: McDonald was facing off against Chris Davis, also a position player. Wouldn’t you love to read more about this game? Well, lucky you.

Chris Davis Inning: 16th Score: 6-6 Result: Win (2 IP, 0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Davis’ changeup was so good, it made this dude squeeze his own armpit:

Felipe Lopez Inning: 18th Score: 0-0 Result: No decision (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Skipper should have let him pitch another inning.

Joe Mather Inning: 19th Score: 0-0 Result: Loss (2 IP, 2 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9, including Felipe Lopez Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: I can’t think of his name without thinking about this post.

“In life, you have to make your own trails!” he shouted as he bounded off into the clearing, the thirsty joemather crunching under his bare feet.

No, it’s not funny. I literally think of “the thirsty joemather crunching under his bare feet” whenever I stumble across Joe Mather’s name.

If one day I stop writing about baseball, don’t wonder why. Just know that I was someone who would accidentally stumble across Joe Mather’s name.

Anyway, what did we learn? That I wanted to link to a bunch of box scores of these extremely cool games. But also that Mathis came in slightly before the typical position player in a close game, but not egregiously so. That most managers will use a position player before they use a starting pitcher on an off day. And that most of these guys didn’t do well, probably because they aren’t pitchers.

I would suggest that the trick is to have one reliever who can pitch five innings in any given game, except the Diamondbacks had that with Jorge De La Rosa, and they used him for seven pitchers. The real trick is to see through time, and if that doesn’t work, sigh a lot and hope for a better fate than poor Jeff Mathis, who was one strike away from an amazing outing.

This week in appreciating the efforts of a husky fellow who tried really, really hard

Jesús Aguilar is a husky fellow having a breakout season, and he can do a lot of things for a winning team. He can hit dingers, hit homers, hit baseballs over the fence, and also hit baseballs super far. Yes, he can also hit for average, apparently, and he can play both first and a corner outfield spot, but for the most part, he’s not in there for his hit-and-run skills. He’s there to hit baseballs a long way.

He’s not there to run from first to home on a wacky play.

What I appreciate the most on this play:

Eddie Rosario’s throw

Bobby Wilson’s there-there pat

Aguilar turning his head and lying down to take a literal dirt nap as the catcher pats his hand in sympathy

That Aguilar peeks over his shoulder as he rounds third and realizes he’s going to hear it from everyone in the dugout

The tag

That Bobby Wilson is still in the majors and making tags and there-there pats.

This all leads to a new segment that I wasn’t even planning on.

Baseball, but a painting

I call this one “The Death of Jesús of Maracay.”

The catcher reaches out in vain to save his friend, but alas, it is too late. The human-sized streak through the batter’s box represents our mortality. The weird mud bog above home plate that you can see in the video represents a kind of weird mud bog. The guy on the right is the president, watching over us all.

I’m still working on this interpretation, leave me alone.

Bartolo Colon threw a complete game

He lost, but that’s not the point. The 45-year-old is the oldest player to throw a complete game since Jamie Moyer in 2010, and he’s pitching like someone who wants to keep pitching next year. If he does that, he’ll have milestones to chase:

46-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Satchel Paige Phil Niekro Charlie Hough Bobo Newsom Jack Quinn

47-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Phil Niekro Jamie Moyer

48-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Phil Niekro

Of course, Niekro was a knuckleballer, as was Hough. Moyer was a changeup specialist, and Paige was a master of illusion in his old age. When it comes to quadragenarians who rely mostly on differently gripped fastballs, Colon is definitely something of a freak.

I don’t know if he’ll make it to 48 without a knuckleball. But a showing like this at least gives me a teensy sliver of hope that he’ll have a chance. He’s not exactly the perfect baseball hero — let he who is without a PED suspension and a second family throw the first stone — but he’s a pretty danged fun baseball story. And with each complete game, I start hoping just a little bit more.

Baseball picture of the week

The best picture of the week? That was probably taken by Rockies team photographer Matt Dirksen:

This picture is not filtered or Photoshopped. Promise. pic.twitter.com/FOf6aq24vA

— Colorado Rockies (@Rockies) July 6, 2018

I can appreciate the majesty of Charlie Blackmon leaving the cornfield to not invite Ty Cobb to the next game. There are a lot of entrants in the “badass ballpark scenery” genre, which is why baseball is truly for the aesthetically minded, but the sky in this one gives it an extra boost.

Can you get the same kind of majesty from a football game? Yeah. Kinda.

Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

For my money, the difference is in the stadium or ballpark lurking in the background. If a football goes there, it probably means someone screwed up. But the stands of a baseball game are inactive participants stored with charged energy. If the baseball goes there — and it often does — it makes the entire section buzz. If it’s hit in the right section, it makes the entire ballpark buzz.

Maybe I’m overthinking it? I’m probably overthinking it.

Well, in that case, here are my runners up, in which Billy Hamilton loses six months off his life in the same week:

Photo by David Banks/Getty Images

Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

I don’t know the context of these pictures, and I don’t care to. All I know is that they make baseball seem like some sort of post-apocalyptic sport from a 1974 Roger Corman film called Smash, Smash, Smash, and I’m very interested in this new iteration.

Maybe you should just watch football.

Stop that.

what the shit

https://www.mlb.com/news/twins-record-no-putouts-at-first-base-in-game/c-284106326

When Blanka tries to hit you with a rolling attack, so you slide under him and counter with a hadouken

Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

What Shohei Did

Rose from the disabled and renewed the hope of his wavering team. That’s all. Or, if you want to be technical, he went 3-for-17, with eight strikeouts and a 634 OPS. Which isn’t great.

He still snuck in a game-winning homer, though:

He took a tie game from zero-to-Vasgersian in just over a second, and he’s now 3-for-6 in his pinch-hitting appearances. The biggest surprise this season isn’t that Ohtani has been pitching or hitting as well as he has, but that he’s been used as a pinch-hitter just six times. Just like when it comes to rising gas prices and climate change, I blame the designated hitter. In the National League, he’d get four pinch-hit appearances per week.

But we’re not here to get picky. We’re here to celebrate that Ohtani is playing at all. In the Angels’ walk-off win against the Dodgers, he went from an 0-2 count to a walk, then stole second before scoring on a two-out single. It would be much, much better if he were still Max Scherzer stapled to Cody Bellinger, because that sure was a delight to follow.

Given the choice of watching him only hit or not watching him at all, we’re in the better of the two timelines. I’m not sure if I’ve rooted for anything this season more than the platelet-rich plasma that’s sloshing around his elbow, but even if he’s done pitching for a year, he’ll still be around, reminding us that he’s one of baseball’s rarest talents.

This week in McGwire/Sosa

McGwire 13 AB this week 281 AB for the season

3 HR this week 40 HR for the season

.308/.471/.533 this week .310/.483/.779 for the season

Sosa 16 AB this week 349 AB for the season

2 HR this week 35 HR for the season

.250/.333/.625 this week .321/.382/.665 for the season

All-Star break! Time to rest a bit and JUST KIDDING, IT WAS AT COORS FIELD, AND WE WERE ALL HIGH OFF DINGERS.

Note that there is no apostrophe in that last word, which would have left you in suspense.

If you don’t think baseball was excited to showcase dingers at Coors, you are being a silly contrarian:

And, of course, Sosa didn’t participate and McGwire didn’t make it out of the first round because that’s what happens when you even pretend to care about the Home Run Derby. It will break your heart.

Spoonerism of the week

Okay, so Wookie Milson is maybe — maybe— a 45-grade spoonerism. Yes, it makes you think about Chewbacca, but it’s not really spelled the same way (Wookiee), and “Milson” isn’t inherently funny.

What puts it over the top for me is that you have to pronounce Wookie to rhyme with “Mookie,” which means you have to pronounce it like George Plimpton. And now I’m picturing a movie in which George Plimpton has to take care of an irascible eight-year-old because of circumstances beyond his control, and there’s a scene where he says something like ...

Charles! I command you to pick up your Wookiee.

Except he rhymes it with “Mookie” and I can’t stop laughing at this thought, and the movie also stars Shelley Long as the neighbor and love interest for Plimpton’s adult son and, look, it’s been a long column, and we should probably end it here.

Until next week!