#christ has that shit tanked my mental and sensory health so hard and there's a bunch of stuff i've wanted to watch/play/listen to

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

god it was a good idea to restock myself on this high-caf tea. it is a godsend to have a proper source of caffeine that doesn't make me jittery, nor would i have to drink two or three times as much for my proper dose, nor is it a roll of the dice whether it'll make me gag so hard i have to add ice cream and tons of creamer to cover up the taste.

finally having some disposable fuckin income to last me a while has been one of the few bright spots in this awful, awful goddamn year, and it legit makes me emotional to be able to afford--and stock up on--some things that are a bit on the expensive side but will improve my quality of life immensely.

[parent death talk under the cut cw]

it especially makes me emotional because i first discovered this tea when i was out of caffeine supplies in the weeks after my mom's death, living alone in the house where it happened--a few dozen yards from the room itself at most, 95% of the time, and that far only when holed up in my room. i get the impression it was a treat she had stashed away and never got the chance to have most of; and it made me feel closer to her to have it as medicine and comfort on those long, dark nights with my sleep schedule turned around and the footsteps of ghosts in my house, with jenny nicholson videos running in the background through to the sunrise.

among the many deep, dark lows of this year, those weeks were one of the worst and best parts of it, all at the same time, and it's a relief to be able to have this again. it makes me feel that little bit better about... everything. it's what she would have wanted.