#christensen

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Big Tech disrupted disruption

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/08/permanent-overlords/#republicans-want-to-defund-the-police

Before "disruption" turned into a punchline, it was a genuinely exciting idea. Using technology, we could connect people to one another and allow them to collaborate, share, and cooperate to make great things happen.

It's easy (and valid) to dismiss the "disruption" of Uber, which "disrupted" taxis and transit by losing $31b worth of Saudi royal money in a bid to collapse the world's rival transportation system, while quietly promising its investors that it would someday have pricing power as a monopoly, and would attain profit through price-gouging and wage-theft.

Uber's disruption story was wreathed in bullshit: lies about the "independence" of its drivers, about the imminence of self-driving taxis, about the impact that replacing buses and subways with millions of circling, empty cars would have on traffic congestion. There were and are plenty of problems with traditional taxis and transit, but Uber magnified these problems, under cover of "disrupting" them away.

But there are other feats of high-tech disruption that were and are genuinely transformative – Wikipedia, GNU/Linux, RSS, and more. These disruptive technologies altered the balance of power between powerful institutions and the businesses, communities and individuals they dominated, in ways that have proven both beneficial and durable.

When we speak of commercial disruption today, we usually mean a tech company disrupting a non-tech company. Tinder disrupts singles bars. Netflix disrupts Blockbuster. Airbnb disrupts Marriott.

But the history of "disruption" features far more examples of tech companies disrupting other tech companies: DEC disrupts IBM. Netscape disrupts Microsoft. Google disrupts Yahoo. Nokia disrupts Kodak, sure – but then Apple disrupts Nokia. It's only natural that the businesses most vulnerable to digital disruption are other digital businesses.

And yet…disruption is nowhere to be seen when it comes to the tech sector itself. Five giant companies have been running the show for more than a decade. A couple of these companies (Apple, Microsoft) are Gen-Xers, having been born in the 70s, then there's a couple of Millennials (Amazon, Google), and that one Gen-Z kid (Facebook). Big Tech shows no sign of being disrupted, despite the continuous enshittification of their core products and services. How can this be? Has Big Tech disrupted disruption itself?

That's the contention of "Coopting Disruption," a new paper from two law profs: Mark Lemley (Stanford) and Matthew Wansley (Yeshiva U):

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4713845

The paper opens with a review of the literature on disruption. Big companies have some major advantages: they've got people and infrastructure they can leverage to bring new products to market more cheaply than startups. They've got existing relationships with suppliers, distributors and customers. People trust them.

Diversified, monopolistic companies are also able to capture "involuntary spillovers": when Google spends money on AI for image recognition, it can improve Google Photos, YouTube, Android, Search, Maps and many other products. A startup with just one product can't capitalize on these spillovers in the same way, so it doesn't have the same incentives to spend big on R&D.

Finally, big companies have access to cheap money. They get better credit terms from lenders, they can float bonds, they can tap the public markets, or just spend their own profits on R&D. They can also afford to take a long view, because they're not tied to VCs whose funds turn over every 5-10 years. Big companies get cheap money, play a long game, pay less to innovate and get more out of innovation.

But those advantages are swamped by the disadvantages of incumbency, all the various curses of bigness. Take Arrow's "replacement effect": new companies that compete with incumbents drive down the incumbents' prices and tempt their customers away. But an incumbent that buys a disruptive new company can just shut it down, and whittle down its ideas to "sustaining innovation" (small improvements to existing products), killing "disruptive innovation" (major changes that make the existing products obsolete).

Arrow's Replacement Effect also comes into play before a new product even exists. An incumbent that allows a rival to do R&D that would eventually disrupt its product is at risk; but if the incumbent buys this pre-product, R&D-heavy startup, it can turn the research to sustaining innovation and defund any disruptive innovation.

Arrow asks us to look at the innovation question from the point of view of the company as a whole. Clayton Christensen's "Innovator's Dilemma" looks at the motivations of individual decision-makers in large, successful companies. These individuals don't want to disrupt their own business, because that will render some part of their own company obsolete (perhaps their own division!). They also don't want to radically change their customers' businesses, because those customers would also face negative effects from disruption.

A startup, by contrast, has no existing successful divisions and no giant customers to safeguard. They have nothing to lose and everything to gain from disruption. Where a large company has no way for individual employees to initiate major changes in corporate strategy, a startup has fewer hops between employees and management. What's more, a startup that rewards an employee's good idea with a stock-grant ties that employee's future finances to the outcome of that idea – while a giant corporation's stock bonuses are only incidentally tied to the ideas of any individual worker.

Big companies are where good ideas go to die. If a big company passes on its employees' cool, disruptive ideas, that's the end of the story for that idea. But even if 100 VCs pass on a startup's cool idea and only one VC funds it, the startup still gets to pursue that idea. In startup land, a good idea gets lots of chances – in a big company, it only gets one.

Given how innately disruptable tech companies are, given how hard it is for big companies to innovate, and given how little innovation we've gotten from Big Tech, how is it that the tech giants haven't been disrupted?

The authors propose a four-step program for the would-be Tech Baron hoping to defend their turf from disruption.

First, gather information about startups that might develop disruptive technologies and steer them away from competing with you, by investing in them or partnering with them.

Second, cut off any would-be competitor's supply of resources they need to develop a disruptive product that challenges your own.

Third, convince the government to pass regulations that big, established companies can comply with but that are business-killing challenges for small competitors.

Finally, buy up any company that resists your steering, succeeds despite your resource war, and escapes the compliance moats of regulation that favors incumbents.

Then: kill those companies.

The authors proceed to show that all four tactics are in play today. Big Tech companies operate their own VC funds, which means they get a look at every promising company in the field, even if they don't want to invest in them. Big Tech companies are also awash in money and their "rival" VCs know it, and so financial VCs and Big Tech collude to fund potential disruptors and then sell them to Big Tech companies as "aqui-hires" that see the disruption neutralized.

On resources, the authors focus on data, and how companies like Facebook have explicit policies of only permitting companies they don't see as potential disruptors to access Facebook data. They reproduce internal Facebook strategy memos that divide potential platform users into "existing competitors, possible future competitors, [or] developers that we have alignment with on business models." These categories allow Facebook to decide which companies are capable of developing disruptive products and which ones aren't. For example, Amazon – which doesn't compete with Facebook – is allowed to access FB data to target shoppers. But Messageme, a startup, was cut off from Facebook as soon as management perceived them as a future rival. Ironically – but unsurprisingly – Facebook spins these policies as pro-privacy, not anti-competitive.

These data policies cast a long shadow. They don't just block existing companies from accessing the data they need to pursue disruptive offerings – they also "send a message" to would-be founders and investors, letting them know that if they try to disrupt a tech giant, they will have their market oxygen cut off before they can draw breath. The only way to build a product that challenges Facebook is as Facebook's partner, under Facebook's direction, with Facebook's veto.

Next, regulation. Starting in 2019, Facebook started publishing full-page newspaper ads calling for regulation. Someone ghost-wrote a Washington Post op-ed under Zuckerberg's byline, arguing the case for more tech regulation. Google, Apple, OpenAI other tech giants have all (selectively) lobbied in favor of many regulations. These rules covered a lot of ground, but they all share a characteristic: complying with them requires huge amounts of money – money that giant tech companies can spare, but potential disruptors lack.

Finally, there's predatory acquisitions. Mark Zuckerberg, working without the benefit of a ghost writer (or in-house counsel to review his statements for actionable intent) has repeatedly confessed to buying companies like Instagram to ensure that they never grow to be competitors. As he told one colleague, "I remember your internal post about how Instagram was our threat and not Google+. You were basically right. The thing about startups though is you can often acquire them.”

All the tech giants are acquisition factories. Every successful Google product, almost without exception, is a product they bought from someone else. By contrast, Google's own internal products typically crash and burn, from G+ to Reader to Google Videos. Apple, meanwhile, buys 90 companies per year – Tim Apple brings home a new company for his shareholders more often than you bring home a bag of groceries for your family. All the Big Tech companies' AI offerings are acquisitions, and Apple has bought more AI companies than any of them.

Big Tech claims to be innovating, but it's really just operationalizing. Any company that threatens to disrupt a tech giant is bought, its products stripped of any really innovative features, and the residue is added to existing products as a "sustaining innovation" – a dot-release feature that has all the innovative disruption of rounding the corners on a new mobile phone.

The authors present three case-studies of tech companies using this four-point strategy to forestall disruption in AI, VR and self-driving cars. I'm not excited about any of these three categories, but it's clear that the tech giants are worried about them, and the authors make a devastating case for these disruptions being disrupted by Big Tech.

What do to about it? If we like (some) disruption, and if Big Tech is enshittifying at speed without facing dethroning-by-disruption, how do we get the dynamism and innovation that gave us the best of tech?

The authors make four suggestions.

First, revive the authorities under existing antitrust law to ban executives from Big Tech companies from serving on the boards of startups. More broadly, kill interlocking boards altogether. Remember, these powers already exist in the lawbooks, so accomplishing this goal means a change in enforcement priorities, not a new act of Congress or rulemaking. What's more, interlocking boards between competing companies are illegal per se, meaning there's no expensive, difficult fact-finding needed to demonstrate that two companies are breaking the law by sharing directors.

Next: create a nondiscrimination policy that requires the largest tech companies that share data with some unaffiliated companies to offer data on the same terms to other companies, except when they are direct competitors. They argue that this rule will keep tech giants from choking off disruptive technologies that make them obsolete (rather than competing with them).

On the subject of regulation and compliance moats, they have less concrete advice. They counsel lawmakers to greet tech giants' demands to be regulated with suspicion, to proceed with caution when they do regulate, and to shape regulation so that it doesn't limit market entry, by keeping in mind the disproportionate burdens regulations put on established giants and small new companies. This is all good advice, but it's more a set of principles than any kind of specific practice, test or procedure.

Finally, they call for increased scrutiny of mergers, including mergers between very large companies and small startups. They argue that existing law (Sec 2 of the Sherman Act and Sec 7 of the Clayton Act) both empower enforcers to block these acquisitions. They admit that the case-law on this is poor, but that just means that enforcers need to start making new case-law.

I like all of these suggestions! We're certainly enjoying a more activist set of regulators, who are more interested in Big Tech, than we've seen in generations.

But they are grossly under-resourced even without giving them additional duties. As Matt Stoller points out, "the DOJ's Antitrust Division has fewer people enforcing anti-monopoly laws in a $24 trillion economy than the Smithsonian Museum has security guards."

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/congressional-republicans-to-defund

What's more, Republicans are trying to slash their budgets even further. The American conservative movement has finally located a police force they're eager to defund: the corporate police who defend us all from predatory monopolies.

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

[pari-143]

I’m the cigarette guys!

[cheriedelune]

Factory Girl 🎀

[katiapostsss]

. . 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 p. I

// 🎬

ˢʸⁿᵒᵖˢⁱˢ:

"ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ˢᵗᵃᵍᵉ ʳᵉᵃᵈⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒᵐᵒʳʳᵒʷ

ᵃᵗ ¹², ᵃⁿᵈ ⁱᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ,

ⁱ'ˡˡ ˡᵉᵃᵛᵉ."

ᶜ ʰ ᵃ ʳ ᵃ ᶜ ᵗ ᵉ ʳ ˢ :

ʰᵃʸᵈᵉⁿ ᶜʰʳⁱˢᵗᵉⁿˢᵉⁿ x

ᶠᵉᵐ! ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

warnings! : mention of sex

(very vague and brief),

swearing,

rude remarks.

angst!!!

heavily inspired by: "la la land"

june.

〰️

you fell in love with his smile first.

hayden had the prettiest of smiles. so genuine, so pure, like his lips were siphons to filter what he felt in his mind. so unlike your own, timid grins, searching for reprieve, for sincerity. his smile made your own wilder and more unabashed than it had ever been before.

it was your first article you were writing for the wall street journal and more than anything, you wanted something big. something that the media would buy newspapers for, not the cheap propaganda and scandals on the pages no one really cared to look for. it also happened to be only months after the hit film "life as a house" starring none other than the hayden christensen, first came out.

it took a month or two, but finally, you had gotten a reply to one of the several emails you had sent him, a brief regard to your asking and an approval to meet and conduct an interview.

meeting with him was one of many surprises. first of all, it was a surprise to even be within the thresholds of his million-dollar home, and second of all, it was an even bigger surprise to be meeting him. he had—very embarrassingly—been your celebrity crush since his appearance in star wars came out, and while you were briefly upset he had gotten rid of the black-blue hair and multiple piercings, the charming guy beneath was just as beautiful as portrayed on camera.

the whole interview—you, jotting down notes, and him, offering reassuring smiles that sent your mind into a whirlwind—you were shaking horribly. you even had to pause the recording a couple times to excuse yourself to the restroom—which was bigger than your entire room—to compose yourself. once done and submitted to the wall street journal, it blew up more than expected. everyone was talking about it, boosting hayden's already rife and thriving fame into the stars, especially with more movies coming out.

he reached out to thank you again. one thing led to another, and he had asked you out to dinner—which got ruined by paparazzi and ended up being a star-gazing activity. you were already in love with him. had been since forever ago, and maybe it wasn't true love, but you had assumed at the time that it was close enough. the actual affection hit you when he first laughed with you, a hearty and low thrum in his chest that blossomed something in your own. then, you knew you loved him.

so in a way, you had fallen in love with his smile first. a smile you had not seen in quite some time.

it had been two years since then. everything he did was supported by your own approval, every breath you took was to love him even more. you had your ups and downs. from the very beginning, you knew how important and demanding his job was. anyone could understand. it did not mean you wouldn't get jealous when you watched him kiss other women in his films, but it was absolutely nothing you couldn't work through.

being an actor meant being devoted completely to it. it was something hayden had warned you himself time and time again. it was something you knew now, by heart. but no matter how distant his work made him, nothing stopped him from taking you out to dinner, finding ways to spend time with you, to love you through anything and everything. long hours spent away from each other were repaid for with his apologies and his refusal to leave your side. you knew he loved you.

but then, staring at anything but the food you had prepared on the table, now growing cold, you doubted it. dinner together was an effort to ease out of this distant period with him. it was an effort to know him again. the past few months, you surmised the most he had kissed you was 10 times. not because he didn't want to, but because he so rarely saw you. you slipped into sleep before he could even get home, and he was already gone by the time you were awake. you knew he was busy, but never like this before. even though he wasn't avoiding you or anything, still showing you love and care and affection where it was due even when it was not at a point it used to be, his behavior had led you to believe you had somehow upset him. the last thing you wanted.

so you allowed yourself a moment longer of waiting, watching the waning moon hanging limp in the sky like it would bring him home faster, before you finally got up from your seat and moved to pick up the empty plates first. the lock in the front door clicked and shoved open before you could.

he was so beautiful you nearly wept upon seeing him. the damp nightly mist had made his skin glow with a veil of effervescence, and his eyes—brought out by the true blue of his shirt—lit up when they met your own. immediately, hayden dropped his jacket and briefcase to the floor, keys clinking along with them, and swept you into his arms. his gaze did not even stray from yours, as you were spun around and around.

"hi, baby!" he exclaimed, littering your face with soft kisses and setting you back on your feet. his happiness was tangible in the way his lips were pulled into a grin, and you struggled to regain your footing before reaching up and kissing him right on those same lips.

"hey, hay," you responded buoyantly, the phrase something you used so often that he profusely rolled his eyes and pulled you closer, into a hug that folded you against him.

"what's this?" he hummed into your hair, his gaze no doubt flitting across the elaborately strewn dining table you had placed pots and pans of food atop. a low hum vibrated in his chest against your ear as he sniffed the scent lingering in the air.

you pulled away, keeping your hand in his as you led him to his seat and practically pushed him onto the cushions. his laugh lilted into the ceiling. "it's dinner!" you chirped happily, pulling the glasses his current character wore off his face and setting them by his fork. you pressed a kiss to his temple before taking your own seat at the other end, not even a few feet from him.

hayden's eyes glowed under the incandescent light over your heads as they took in every little detail, his shoulders involuntarily pushing back. it was something he unconsciously did that always left you smiling. "it smells amazing, love," he complimented, eyes meeting yours and asking for him if he could begin eating.

"thank you," you drawled as you stood up, your chair pushing back and hands pulling open the pot covering the vodka-and-sauce pasta beneath it. you grabbed the spoon and loaded it onto his plate, which he started digging into before you could even finish. you sent him a withering look, softened by a smile, that he grinned at. "sorry if it's a bit cold," you hummed and took your spot again. he didn't seem to mind.

"where did you find the time to do this? i thought you were real busy with that article?" he asked over a mouthful of your famous pasta, nearly groaning in adoration. he always emphasized how much he loved your cooking by trying to do it for you, too. it always ended up horrible. one time, he managed to burn through a spatula. that was... how many months ago?

you cleared your throat. "writing doesn't take a full day of sitting at home, hay." he laughed, and you banished your thoughts from your mind, laughing right along with him. it was true. lately, you confided in work to cancel out your own insecurities that followed with hayden's absence, flying through article after article after article. you were in the process of writing one about the dangers of jaywalking when you ultimately decided to cook the dinner he was shoveling quite promptly into his mouth at that moment.

"and how is it treating you, anyways?" hayden put down his fork only briefly to wipe his mouth with a napkin. he motioned for you to dig in, too, and you almost forgot you also needed to eat. "that new boss of yours any good?"

his gaze never let yours as you stood and shoveled a portion onto your own plate, leaning over the table in a way that made your legs strain. "he's fine," you responded, breathing in the scent of the pasta as you set it down in front of you and took your seat once again. "not as good as amanda, but still ok. he let me have an early lunch break today."

hayden nodded, humming lightly. another thing that unsettled you; his lack of jealousy. months before, your boyfriend would get angry whenever a different man's gaze even looked at you a moment too long. you loved seeing his possessive side. it never showed through anymore. "that's good, baby. i'm glad." he sent you a smile over the table, and you sent one back, eyes dead and so painfully fake with the coming of more doubts. he didn't look at you long enough to catch it though. "and the book?"

you went on to briefly explain the details of your current writings, even obliging when he begged you to read to him your progress so far. he nodded along the whole time and smiled and laughed at times necessary. soon, jazz was humming in the background from a speaker propped atop your piano and he was filling both your glasses with dark red wine.

"why did you come home so early, anyways?" you asked as he set the wine by the pot of pasta and settled back into his seat. you found it strange, how soon he got home. on friday's he always came back a bit earlier than usual, and you had cooked way before just in case the universe graced you with his presence sooner, but you expected to have to reheat it a couple times.

"didn't have to take any reshootings," he hummed, bringing the rim of his glass to his lips and slightly tilting his head back to sip. you gulped down absolutely nothing. maybe... maybe tonight... you and hayden barely ever got intimate anymore. if was so rare, nowadays. he claimed he never wanted to wake you up with his needs, even when you insisted it was fine. tonight could be different. "oh, and boss said it was a valentine's day gift, for the upcoming party we're gonna have on set later this week."

your eyebrows creased, and your mind didn't even let itself wonder whether or not you'd even get anything. "that's nice!" you smiled shakily, nodding your head. he hummed in response, helping himself to seconds of the scallion pancakes. silence, other than the faint hum of the refrigerator not too far away and the jazz music, settled over you two. in a moment of pure bravery, you cleared your throat and just asked.

"so— how long are you gonna be shooting this movie for?" he paused.

asking about his shootings or movies always led to fights that almost led to breakups. you never truly laid down all the things in your heart to him, all the feelings and terror within you, so that's why he always won. the most you said was that he had been so distant, lately, which he countered with his own set of excuses. the arguments ended with apologies on both ends and cuddling. it only took one morning afterwards, spent alone, for the cycle to continue.

hayden sent you a look. a warning look. one that withered below his brow as he glanced back down at his plate, leaving the scallion untouched. "i don't know, probably a while."

you bit the inside of your cheek, and the record player stopped as if on cue, setting the mood with sorrow. now, the only sounds were your shifting. "and— do you have any projects afterward?"

much to your surprise, he laughed. it was humorless, one of brisk bitterness and disgruntlement. you met his eyes. "of course, y/n. millions. i'll never stop having projects..." hayden's voice was nothing short of sharp. meant to be a dismissal. you didn't know why you pushed, but you did. perhaps because you could not handle it anymore.

"what do you mean, you won't ever stop?" you countered, voice growing stiff. "when do you plan to retire, when you are lying on your deathbed?" hayden bristled, tensing everywhere. what you said blew low, you knew it, and you said it more to yourself than him. but you still said it.

"don't start with this." he leaned back, shaking his head and looking at a stray piece of lint on the table.

"i have every right to."

"no, you don't!" his sudden brusqueness made you flinch back. he met your eyes again and was suddenly reclining over the table, forearms braced by his plate. "it is my job, and it is my life. you have absolutely no say in what i do!"

"i am your girlfriend!" if he wanted to play mean, you would too, your posture straightened until your neck ached and your eyes narrowed. "the last time i checked, your future is also mine, if you wish it to stay that way. of course i have a fucking say!"

"maybe, but only to an extent," he growled, rubbing salt in the wound. he spoke as if you were just another one of his bitches. "i did acting years before you ever came into my life, and i'm not going to stop now. not just because you tell me to."

tears stung, and your lips pulled into a twisted frown. "i'm not just telling you to!" you felt as though you were screaming at a painting frozen in time.

"oh, so torturing me for months about quitting isn't 'telling me to'." his nose scrunched in anger. something snapped in your chest. how could he be so blindsided?

"i never told you to quit, hayden! i told you that you've become distant lately, but—"

"and i warned you about that! i told you so many times—"

"i know you did, but at least a couple months ago—"

"god, how many times am i going to have to hear this talk?!"

everything was a mess. you were talking over him, and he was in turn, talking over you.

"if you would just listen—"

"i have fucking listened, and all that im hearing is whining, non-fucking-stop whining. maybe it's not me that's distant, but you that's too fucking clingy! maybe, you want to bash me for my own success because you're so sour that you're on your ass, earning 60k a year and leeching off of me!"

silence. silence so acute, that your own mind had to fill in for it, sending a wave of shocked ringing into your ears. he had... no. there was no way. hayden would never. hayden would never. the hayden christensen you loved so deeply, so irrevocably, would never say such a thing, after you had cried to him so long about how bad you felt, having to borrow money so often because being a journalist meant earning horrible salary. he would never, ever say that. tears marred your vision, but you barely even felt them streak your face. they obscured you from seeing his own expressions, but you didn't even want to. you didn't even want to look him in the eye right now, after he had just confessed that you were too clingy, too suffocating, too annoying, too incessant, too stubborn. all in a couple of sentences.

the only thing that you felt was your own body heat, the only thing you heard was the ringing in your ears, as you stumbled to a stand and basically tripped your way to the door, throwing yourself out. you knew that he was not following. you knew he was not following, because you two were so similar. petty, stubborn. but you also knew he regretted it.

none of those thoughts came to mind as you aimlessly stumbled down the street until you had somehow managed to call your friend and ask for her presence.

---

it had been 2 weeks since that night. since you had left hayden to contemplate everything he said, and he was a fucking mess.

he knew that if you were ever to bash him so thoroughly—which you would never even think to do—he'd want privacy. he'd want time to himself. so, he called, and texted, and begged, and begged some more, but not more than a couple times a day. even valentine's day passed, and the flowers he had left on you friend's doorstep, knowing you were there, were wilting. he drove past her house each time on his way to work, hoping to see you in the window, but no. all he ever saw were those stupid carnations—your favorite flower—withering away.

he refused to go to work the first 2 days, but when he had gotten a call from his boss, explaining how his job was compromised, he didn't have a choice. still, hayden was getting home around 4 in the morning because of how frequently they had to reshoot scenes. he was a mess. everyone could see it. his coworkers, his family, even his home felt so damn empty with you gone, your absence keeping the bed constantly cold.

you were no better.

hayden was not your first love, but at times, he made you feel like he truly was. to lose him was to lose yourself, and no amount of binging gilmore girls and eating ice cream with aleah would fix that. you did not block him, even when she told you that he deserved to be alone for the rest of his life, because that felt too official. you were still dating, and a part of you would always be pulled back to him even in times of distance. often, in the spare bedroom, all alone, you'd stare at his texts and apologies and listen to his voicemails in the dark, the only anchor keeping you sane being the reason behind why he was even apologizing in the first place.

as if your already-horrible insecurities and doubts weren't enough, they only got worse after what he admitted. working at the wall street journal was an honor some people could never get, but it didn't mean the money was good. in fact, being a journalist was awful. hayden always told you he didn't mind because he loved you more than you could ever love him, and that always worked to ease your thoughts, but after what he said, they started right back up again.

"he'll come, love," aleah strung an arm over your shoulders, meeting your eyes in the mirror before you. it was the night of your publishing celebration, your book finally having been accepted to be officially laminated and sold. your whole life, you wanted to be an author. it was the reason you wrote, the reason you did journaling, to kickstart your already thriving career until your historical-fiction novel came out, and hayden knew it. "he's been so desperate to talk to you. he'll come."

one could only hope. aleah ran a hand up and down your upper-arm, kissing your cheek. smiling, you lifted your own hand to squeeze hers. "thank you." it was all you could say, all that came out of your throat. but you truly couldnt thank her enough for all that she did for you. you stared at each other in the mirror before she finally got up, pulling you with her, and into the party.

---

hayden was fucked.

"hey, man, what time is it?"

the new photoshoot for the cover of vogue was taking longer than anticipated, though he didn't really notice. without you, time seemed to blend into itself. he was behind stage afterwards, getting dressed back into casual attire and grabbing his things, when his coworker pulled him out of a trance. quickly, hayden pulled out his phone from his pant pocket and checked the time, eyes lazily sweeping across the screen.

"eight thirty f...." he trailed off, horror enveloping his soft features and heart dropping simultaneously. below the big font of the digital clock, was a reminder. hayden almost always kept his phone on loud, but it happened to be behind stage while they were photographing. on the little inbox were the words, "y/n/n's publishing party!!!" in bold letters. it had come in more than 1 fucking hour ago.

"shit," he choked out, eyes blowing wide with guilt and a breath stuttering in his chest. "shit shit shit shit shit." nearly bolting out the door, he barely heard the sound of his coworker calling after him or recognized that he'd have to come back later for the rest of his stuff. the only thing on his mind now, was you, and the fact that he was missing the party he had helped plan and had first-hand witnessed how excited you were for.

hayden ran every red light, broke every speed limit, as he flew down the streets to the nice place he had rented out weeks ago for the celebration to take place at. the moon taunted him in the sky above, laughing as he near-cried when he arrived finally, jumping out of the car and bolting to the front door. locked. it was a nice restaurant that he had temporarily bought so it could only be you, him, and your friends for the occasion, and he nearly fell to his knees when he read the "closed" sign. he was screwed. you'd break up with him and never look back.

still, he tried the window, which was covered in elaborately welded bars, knocking incessantly at the glass. nothing. pure terror. pure horror. then, a key jangling and a door opening, high heels against pavement, and you.

you were so damn pretty. so fucking stunning. you were wearing the same dress he had bought for you, a royal blue, sheer gown that flowed past your knees and was tightly fitted everywhere. most likely to surprise him. your hair was even done up in the way you knew he loved it so much, a messy bun adorned with pearl accessories. the last time he saw you was 2 weeks ago, and he was relieved to see that you looked healthy and okay. relieved to just be standing in front of you at that moment. but then your face contorted at the sight of his disheveled state, into something he had so rarely seen before.

"fuck, y/n. i am so fucking sorry, you don't understand how fucking sorry i am," he rasped out, his voice a near sob as he stepped closer and extended his arms to pull you into a hug. you walked right past him, leaving him cold and empty, your face turned to the ground. "please, baby, please. i am so so so sorry."

hayden followed you down the street, his blue eyes brimming with tears as you full-on ignored him. did not even meet his gaze again. you stopped at your car, opening the door and shoving your things into the back seat. it was only when he reached out to tug at your elbow that you responded, still not facing him. "im going home," you uttered, voice laced with malice. even though you sounded like you couldn't hate anyone more than you hated him in that moment, his shoulders slumped with relief.

"okay, of course. i'll see you ther—"

"no. im going home." you cut him off, circling around the car and opening the driver's seat. hayden's heart paused for a good three seconds, and he wondered how much longer it would take for it to stop working all together.

"what? no, please, y/n, please don't do this to me! you have to understand, baby, i love you, i love yo—"

"dont fucking say that."

"you can't leave me! please, y/n, please! i'll be better, i know i don't deserve it, but i'll try! please, y/n!" hayden did his absolute best at not grabbing at you then and pulling you into a hug. the thought hurt you beyond how hurt you already were. and because of it, you turned around and finally looked him in the eye, back pressing against your car.

"i wish you'd realized that sooner, hayden," you started, voice quivering more than your bottom lip did. "i wish so badly you did, because then, i needed it most. do you know how much shit i went through? how many horrible thoughts i was thinking? or were you too busy with your acting to notice, even when i laid it right in front of you? i would've done anything to hear those exact words come out of your mouth a week ago, but now? now, i don't give a fuck. you ran me to fucking shambles, hayden, but in your eyes, i was perfectly fine, because anything worse than fine would mean you'd actually have to care."

you did not give him the pleasure of uttering one more word before you shut the door, turned on the ignition, and drove off, leaving him all alone once again. your words were his breaking point, partially, because seeing you in such a state was so worrying, and partially, because they were so fucking true. he did not care that people were watching. he did not care that cameras were clicking, as he sobbed and sobbed, trying to stop you, and failing, watching your car disappear around the bend.

---

summer was slowly easing into autumn, leaves already turning outside of your parent's house and the air chilling as the world turned its back on the sun. it had been a full month since you had last seen hayden, and what had happened seemed more like a fever dream, than real life. like at any moment, you'd walk into your childhood bedroom and see his perfectly-proportioned face resting peacefully against your pink pillows. but you had blocked him. on everything.

to say you missed him was an understatement. you knew your parting was your own doing, but it wasn't like you wanted to leave him. you never expected you even would.

being home was just as strange. you didn't really visit your parents often, despite the intact and very happy relationship you had with them. they lived a good hour from where you used to, which wasn't a lot, but still pretty far. that, and the fact that anytime you did, it was always with hayden. your mom and dad loved him like their own, treating him as if a little kid, their little kid. they did not ask even one question when you stumbled into their house a month ago with your bags packed and tears staining your cheeks.

it was also a pain. you had given up. quit your job, did not even think about the book you had written that was probably out there now, left untouched, unread. even if it was, you couldn't bring yourself to care for that past you, for that dream you had once harbored. you were officially done being an author, because it hurt too much. seeing the stupid little storybooks you had written when 12 hurt too much, reading them over and over hurt too damn much. so you left it all behind.

to blame that on hayden would not only be cruel, but incorrect. what had been said at that dinner table oh so long ago hurt just as much as his absence at your party, but that wasn't the reason you quit. you quit because you knew damn fucking well that if you even checked up on the status of your book's copies sold, you'd break down. you quit because it was a reminder of the love you still had, a little girl that was no longer. it was no use, that stupid dream. even if your writings went world-wide and managed to sell millions of millions of copies, you couldn't imagine that you'd care anymore. it was a piece of you that had been left back at home, where you could only assume hayden still lived.

hayden. even thinking his name made you want to believe everything had all been in your head. made you want to start packing your bags and drive back into his waiting arms at that very moment. you surmised if he apologized again to you, you'd immediately forgive him. you were over it, now that you had left your dreams behind. but still, you stayed.

that party, that day, that feeling, sitting surrounded by your friends with a big cake in front of you and happy smiles everywhere, was so distant now. then, it seemed like the end of the world, watching the door so hopefully, willing him to walk through and sweep you into his arms and just kiss and kiss and kiss you. he never came. you knew it was most definitely a mistake, but it didn't make it hurt any less. not a month before that, you knew he would've remembered. he would've come. sometimes, you even wondered if leaving him was a mistake. aleah reminding you of your worth over the phone reassured you every time that it wasn't, that anyone would've done it.

so, you stayed. in the span of that month, your parents had asked maybe twice, and you explained briefly what had happened. lots of ogling and tsks and disapproved shaking of heads came out of that conversation, and it made it all seem so... real. so official. you guessed it was because your mind couldn't really comprehend the fact that you two weren't together anymore, because you never suspected you wouldn't. it was... eye opening. you cried harder that night than you did on the actual day it happened, listened to his earlier voice mails and texts like they were the only things keeping you sane... because they were.

---

hayden's phone rang on his bedside table.

again that hope. that stupid, infantile hope that you were the one calling. his mind found any scenario to think about you, latched onto you like a drug he'd never be cured of. he was falling apart at the seams, and quickly. shooting was finished, and he rejected all projects after that. if you ever came back to him, he vowed he would quit acting. before, after his first movie ever, he didn't even consider leaving the program. let alone for a partner. but for you, he'd give it all up. in a heartbeat. in less.

to say he fell into a depressive state while you were gone was an understatement. his friends often had to drag him out of the house, force him into clothes and get him outside just so he wouldn't rot in his bed all day, which was what he'd been doing for the past month. after you left him, he tried calling, texting, anything, and found his number blocked. he couldn't even be mad, either, because he understood why. a bitch was what he was, but he needed you. he needed you to live. his mind was spiraling as much as his mental health was, and it had gotten so bad that his mother, alie, had quite literally forced him into therapy.

he was getting no better.

with you by his side, hayden's mind was in a constant state of tranquility. just knowing you were home and waiting for him was enough to calm his nerves before, but now, he had nothing to put him at ease. in fact, the thought of you was becoming the exact opposite.

what he said was spoken in a moment of adrenaline, of anger. hayden could never get annoyed by your worrying or concern for him, finding it cute, but sitting there, at the dining table, he spoke words he knew would strike you deep. regretted it immediately afterwards. but regretting would never help, not even apologizing would, after what he said. if he could, he'd take it all back. if he could, he'd spend even one more moment with you, even if you hated him for every second of it.

he was easing into a routine. but it was still bad. every minute was spent wondering about you, about whether you'd tell him to fuck himself or kiss his cheek if you ever saw him again. probably not the latter.

hayden immediately shot up on his bed, hair disheveled from sleep and only wearing a white shirt and a black pair of sweatpants. he leaned over and quickly swiped his phone off the table, inspecting the contact name with his heart in his throat. it immediately fell back down to his chest upon seeing it was in fact, not you. just a random string of numbers. he laid back down on his back again and accepted the call.

"hello?" he cleared his throat.

"hi, is this y/n l/n?"

now, his heart was in his stomach at the mention of your name. even hearing it made his ears ring with sorrow, his skin prickle and tingle. the person on the other end had a high, female voice, and what was most likely a french accent.

"no, sorry." he didn't know who it was, but he imagined you had given them his house number for a job interview while you were still together or something, which made him choke on air wondering what you were doing now that you had parted ways with him. "uhm— what— what is this about?"

"bummer. we were calling to ask if she'd be open for a stage reading. her hit novel has been blowing up and fans are asking worldwide for a meet-and-greet. do you think you could give me her number? tell her that nia kratt from the lincoln publishing company is reaching out?

hayden gaped, a smile spreading on his lips despite himself. this... this was good. this was so, so good. god, you'd be so happy, you'd be ecstatic! he could already imagine the look of pure excitement on your face, could already see you bouncing on the tips for your feet in that cute way he loved so much.

"actually, i don't think i have her number anymore." blocking him somehow got rid of your contact from his phone altogether, and he imagined you'd changed it anyways. "i— i can pass this onto her directly, if you'd like?"

the woman tutted happily. "sure! thanks for your help, sir."

he was grabbing his keys not even a second later.

---

dinner was especially quiet today.

you pushed your mac and cheese around your plate, lips twisted into a frown. across from you, your parents chatted with each other, sometimes flirting so horribly you punctuated your uncomfortableness with an eye roll and a small smile that they laughed at.

"how's that book of yours coming along?" your father asked, which immediately ruined your mood. you hadn't yet told them that it was already published, and certainly didn't tell them you were quitting, either. the most you spoke of it was that you had left the wall street journal. they understood.

"it's fine," you muttered, your fork scraping against your plate. you did not meet their eyes, but could feel them give each other looks ahead of you. you bit the inside of your cheek.

"well that's good honey," your mother responded quickly after, filling in the silence that fell afterwards once again. then, noise. she startled and the cup of wine she was bringing to her lips fell to the floor, and you jumped out your chair. it was a car honking, loud and incessant.

"what is that!" your dad rasped, looking around. quickly, you shuffled to the window by your front door, pulling the curtain to an open and inspecting the area outside. it was already dark, the street lamps being the only thing that allowed you to see.... him.

you choked on air, your hands suddenly shaking as you took him in. he was leaned over the front door of his car, which had no roof atop it, holding down the honking button on his steering wheel. he was too far away to make out his face, but you knew it was him, not just because of his vehicle, but for an inexplicable reason you didn't let your mind wonder about. without another word to your parents, you bolted to the door, throwing it open and jogging outside.

the air was cold. you found yourself regretting not shrugging on a coat immediately upon stepping out of the house. a dog was barking at the noise somewhere and someone even threw a newspaper roll at him from his own house. but he barely even noticed. his eyes caught on yours, and there, they stayed.

"what are you doing!" you tugged at the off-the-shoulder, blue top you had on, folding your arms at your stomach to ration body warmth. upon closer proximity, hayden finally retracted his hand from the car, looking you over and over again in a way that made you feel naked.

he looked... good. if you weren't so pissed that he was waking up your whole neighborhood on a random tuesday night at 7 pm with his honking, you'd be practically floored at the sight. he was wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt, hugging the taut muscles of his chest, and his hair was ruffled in a way that you loved. his eyes. god. you hadn't realized how much you missed his eyes until they were all over yours, inspecting you for any minor cut or imprint. you hadn't realized how much you missed him until he was standing in front of you with that perfect stance and perfectly-cut features.

and you? hayden nearly fell to his knees at the sight of your own presence. his yearning for you was so much worse than it had been even at home, with your tiny hands gripping your shirt and your legs pressed together. he did not want anything more in life than to fold you into his arms and weep, but the adrenaline that had been flowing through his body the whole ride there was still coursing through him, so he grounded himself quickly.

"why— why did you come here?!" you whisper-yelled, twisting your lips into a scowl. hayden bit the inside of his cheek, laying a hand on the closed door and staring at you incredulously.

"because i have good news," was all he responded with. your face hardened even further.

"what."

"nia kratt, y'know, from that publishing company you worked with?"

"yea?"

"well, she says your book has gone worldwide. she says everyone loved it. and they loved it so much—" his eyebrows were raised in almost a comical way, one hand on his hip. "—that she wants you to conduct a stage reading. in front of all your fans." hayden looked down at the car, slamming the metal with his hand to punctuate just how amazing the deal was. as if he was expecting you to jump up in joy.

you searched for that joy, inside you. and found nothing but a void of emptiness. silence fell, and you looked to the ground briefly, eyes shifting everywhere and your hands falling at your sides. why did you feel nothing? you hadn't expected your book to go worldwide, and it was surprising. you were surprised. but you weren't happy.

"i'm not doing it," you whispered, looking out at the neighborhood beside hayden's shoulder. "i'm not— no. i'm not going to that," you spoke louder. "that's gonna be—"

"what?" he spoke at the same time you did.

"yea, no. that's gonna..."

"i'm sorry?" hayden jutted his head down, as if to try and hear you better. you could not read the expression on his face as you finally met his eyes.

"that will— kill me." silence. then...

"WHAT?!" he yelled suddenly, so loud you feared he'd wake everyone up all over again. hayden's eyes burned with anger, invisible claws ripping at his chest. you jumped, eyes widening.

"what?!" you squeaked back, surprised at how loud his voice had abruptly came back. your eyes strayed to the houses behind him, the ground, hands flexing. "what?!" you repeated. "shhh! stop! stop!"

"NO!" he yelled again, with the same fervor and anger in his voice.

"shh! shhh!" you pressed your hands in front of you in a prayer, posture so straight your neck ached. "you have to be quiet—"

"and you have to start making some damned sense—" he pointed at you.

"—people are sleeping! you're gonna get everyone mad and—"

"if you want me to be quiet, you gotta start making some goddamned sense—"

"—my neighbors are gonna call the police—"

it was a mess of voices talking over each other. you could see the absolute rage in hayden's eyes, and he could see the absolute plea in yours.

"you're gonna tell me why you're not going—"

"because! because." you finally managed to quiet him, eyes wide with fear and hands still pressed in front of you. they dropped a little, remaining flexed and practically shaking. "i'm— i'm done with it—"

"why. why." with his finger pointed directly at you, you felt so diminished, so small beneath his gaze.

"because... i gave so much— so damn much to my career and my life, thinking i'd get somewhere," you spoke rapidly, your tone on edge. "and i gave and gave until i had nothing left in me. i don't care anymore. i don't care about— about... writing— or— or talking— because it hurt me so damn much." your gaze strayed everywhere. to the ground, his shoes, his eyes.... "and even thinking about it... hurts. i'm not who i was. i can't be who i was. i don't care anymore. i have nothing left in me to care about."

he stared. and stared. and stared. you were terrified he'd start screaming again, until the neighbors truly called the police and hauled him away. his gaze never left yours, searching your eyes and only finding sorrow and hurt there. for a brief moment after the terror, you thought that maybe he'd pull you into his arms and kiss your head. you thought that if he did, you'd weep. but he did the exact opposite of that.

"so what— you're just gonna— gonna rot at your parents house even though you have a perfect opportunity right in front of you?!"

"an opportunity i don't want!"

"oh, bullshit, y/n! bullshit!" hayden threw his arms out at his sides, shaking his head, smoke nearly billowing out of his nose.

"no— no! not bullshit, because— because— maybe i'm not good enough. maybe this is a sign from god that it's time to move on, or that i'll never get what i once wanted so badly. maybe it's a sign to do something else with my life. something more meaningful. the world doesn't need another damned author. i'm just— not good enough—"

"you are—"

"maybe i'm not."

"you are."

"maybe i'm not."

"you are."

"maybe i'm not." tears marred your vision. your body shook. it was all too much in that moment, standing in front of the man who you still loved, who you knew you always would. "maybe... maybe i'm one of those people— who... who's always wanted to do it, but it's this... this unrealistic dream. for me. y'know?" you shook your head, looking away from him and shifting incessantly on your feet. "like— i've wanted it. i've always wanted it, for as long as i can remember. it was what i planned for. so i have nothing else to do with my life now that i don't want it anymore."

your ring clinked against the metal as you set your hand on the car, gaze falling to the cement below you.

"why."

"why what? i just explained wh—"

"that was a sorry excuse. tell me why."

you shut your mouth, meeting his eyes again. they burned with surprise, with confusion, with anger. how many days did you spend looking at those beautiful eyes as you talked about the same dreams you had discarded now? "because maybe it hurts too much."

you sniffled, but all he did was shake his head, a hard expression marring his face. "you're a baby."

you bit out a humorless laugh, eyebrows raising and mouth falling agape. "i'm not a baby—"

"you are. you're a baby. you're acting like a baby."

"oh my god," you scoffed, messing with your nose.

"and you're crying like one too." hayden opened the car door. "you have a stage reading tomorrow at 12. i'll be waiting for you out back at 9, and if you don't come, i'll leave." he sat down on the seat and started the car, roughly shutting the door behind him. you shook your head, shock still enveloping your features.

the only sound for a moment was the engine as he settled in. "how did you find me here?"

hayden did not meet your eyes as he pointed a thumb to the building beside you. "the house by the library." and drove off.

your only thoughts as you stumbled back to the house was the emptiness within you and how he had remembered where your parents lived even 2 years after you had told him.

.

| part 2 >

this is only part 1! sorry if part 2

is a little delayed or lateee

anyways, thank you sooo much

for reading! reblogging is fine!

[gavidaily]

FC Barcelona vs. Real Betis 29.04.23

[actuallytrissy]

if someone tells me they're bunch of professional models i'd believe it (part 2)

[itlswhatltls]

It's Christensen's bday ❤️!! Y'all can be nice boys and win for your friend right @/fcbarcelona?!?!?

[peligrosapop]

BACK - Barça defense line

Balde, Araujo, Christensen, Koundé 💙❤️

[brassknucklespeirs]

Hᴇ Dᴇꜰɪɴɪᴛᴇʟʏ Dᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ Hᴀᴛᴇ Mᴇ [Rᴏɴᴀʟᴅ Sᴘᴇɪʀs x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

Pairing: Ronald Speirs x Female Reader

Genre: Funny fluff

Warnings: uhhh i guess warfare talks and mentions of firearms

A/N Just a random Speirs mini-shot that i had a fun thought of while watching The Breaking Point...

“Good luck ladies.”

Easy company was moving back to its old position in the forest that sat looking over Foy. Four were left tethered to the end of the line made up of Dog company men. Perconte sat behind Christensen as they both chuckled at the comments of the leaving Easy men that had been about a particular D-Company officer. The new kid had watched the other men wander away but looked more confused as every passing remark was made. He glanced at the two men and the woman beside him before deciding he too would try to look entertained.

“Been nice knowing yah.”

“Wouldn’t drink too much if i were you.”

“Hey. Be careful if he offers you a cigarette.”

“What are they talking bout? If who offers us a cigarette?” The new kid had finally decided to speak up as pure confusion finally set in and the opportunity to ask had arisen.

“Speirs.”

“Who?”

Toye and Guarnere shared a look before smirking in Y/N’s direction as she sat pretending to clean her rifle, an amused smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she glanced up at the two of them passing. They knew, of course, as did a few of the other men she had grown close with; Toye, Guarnere, Lipton, Buck, hell even Nixon. The legendary officer with the reputation for violence and the sergeant with the honey coated smile to kill, what a match made in heaven.

“Lieutant Speirs.” 

Lipton had patted Y/N gently on the shoulder as he passed muttering a quiet ‘be careful’ to his friend. She’d replied with ‘careful’s my middle name’ as she dropped her eye in a sly wink to which he rolled his eyes at before moving into the distant snow covered forest. Y/N had watched the remainder of her company disappear, leaving only the four of them to sit in the somewhat shallow foxhole. 

“The stories about Speirs are probably all bullshit anyway.” Christensen had said, earning a snort from the woman beside him. He glanced at her with a smirk though he had misinterpreted her reaction to his comment. The new kid had begun to ask about Speirs’ menacing reputation as he seemed to grow more and more intrigued by what he had heard.

“Well supposedly Speirs shot one of his own men for being drunk.” Perconte had answered with his trusty toothbrush held between his teeth, his arms wrapping around himself to find some warmth.

“You’re kidding. That’s unbelievable.” The kid had replied in awe.

After cleaning her rifle, the woman had kept a watchful eye on the line as the men, or two men and one boy, talked beside her. She’d seen his shadow moving in the distance as he approached, holding off from holding her firearm up as the familiar walk of the man confirmed who it was.

“Yeah. And there’s another one about him giving cigarettes to 20 POWs before killing ‘em.”

“If you wanted to know more bout the shit he’s been up to ask Y/N here. Apparently he dislikes her almost as much as our first CO did, ain’t that right Y/N/N?” She let out a huff to cover her amusement as she remembered the day that rumour was started, though she guessed it didn’t cause any problems and in fact, got quite a laugh out of Ron when she told him. She could see the look on Liebgott and Malarkey’s face when they’d come over to her concerned when Speirs had finally wandered off. The man had been angrily yelling, yes, but it wasn’t directed at her. After one too many screw ups from her newest CO, Lieutenant Dike, Ron was sent into a fit about how he was supposed to be ensuring her safety, and yet that was far from it. Obviously the boys had believed he had been yelling at her, as she had appeared upset. She had, indeed, been upset after Ron had whispered several comments like ‘the thought of losing you is almost physically painful’ and ‘if that bastard would spend less time going on walks and more time ensuring his company is looked after i wouldn’t have to be sitting here so fucking worried Y/N’. So you could say there had been more evidence to believe this rumour compared to the others but even this one wasn’t completely right. “And also I heard it was more like 30.” Perconte had continued. 

By now, Y/N was staring straight into her lover’s eyes as he stood so close, the look of pure amusement swimming deep in them as he listened. The woman’s lips tilted in a smirk as she waited for the other men to get the fright of their lives.

“Christensen.” He spoke suddenly, causing everyone save Y/N to jump out of their skin. They looked at him trying to not show how intimidated they were by the man that crouched before them. Ron’s eyes had wandered to Y/N quickly, giving her a once over to ensure she was okay, and when receiving a nod of confirmation, had turned back to look at the man he had addressed as he replied. “I got the name right didn’t I? Christensen?” 

Ron continued to ask the men some questions, with Y/N sitting there quietly watching the line while trying not to laugh at the way the men had all tensed up. Her attention had turned back to her lover fully when he had questioned Dike’s insistence on not reinforcing their shallow foxhole, the bitterness clear on his tongue as he all but hissed the question out. His eyes had moved to her on her place at the edge of the foxhole, her body leaning slightly over the side with her hip pushed against Christensen’s side to make her as comfortable as possible in the small space. The men had watched the fiery look that the officer had sent her, once again, assuming nothing but the worst. But she had known the meaning behind it and was only able to send him a reassuring calm look to try and cure his anger. 

His jaw had tightened as he pushed himself to stand, beginning to all but stomp away from four of them. Perconte had let out a quiet breath, glancing at Y/N quickly before whispering about how much the man must hate her. Ron’s ears had perked up at the comment before he spun around quickly, one of his hands moving to grasp at his lucky strikes.

“Oh, anyone care for a smoke?” He’d asked, and he watched as the smirk rose quickly to Y/N’s lips. She’d glanced at the three of them and took in their expressions, taking a mental picture of the amusing moment. They had all but furiously shaken their heads ‘no’ aside from Y/N who tilted her head as a thought popped into her head. 

“Yeah i’ll take one, Sir.” The woman said feigning a completely innocent, naive look, causing all three of the men to snap their heads to her. Ron pursed his lips to stop himself from breaking his expression with a smirk before nodding his head and holding one out to her. She leant forward so the man was able to place it directly into her mouth before staring straight up at him through her eyelashes. The man’s eyes flashed dangerously as he pulled his lighter from his pocket and lit it. 

After taking the first inhale, the woman took it from her mouth and flashed the most charming smile she could muster before blowing the smoke directly into the man’s face. Ron looked almost taken back but no sense of anger crossed behind his gaze, but he trusted the woman was only having her fun as she always did. Perconte had proceeded to drop his toothbrush from his widened mouth in shock as he waited for the coming demise of the woman he’d come to adore as his friend. Christensen looked on in similar fashion as he glanced between the two figures, one who still held a witty smile and the other who looked like he wanted wreck the young woman; guess that wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Thank you Lieutenant.” She had said while taking another drag of the cigarette. The man had only nodded, his eyes squinting curiously at his lover as he rose from his crouched position and took a single step back. The three other men had looked at her like she’d grown three heads and sprouted wings as she took a glance at them, her lips only twitching into an even bigger smile. She had made a decision in that split second as she revelled in the situation she was in, turning back to Ron who still stared at her, now with a much softer look.

“While we’re at it, maybe I could get a kiss too, baby?” She’d boldly exclaimed and she was sure she’d heard Perconte almost collapse in shock, a quiet but clearly strangle gasp leaving his lips. Ron had caught on by this point to her fun little game of amusement and just let play away as he crouched once more. She had leant over the edge of the foxhole again as she had when he had passed her a cigarette while he had moved his hand to grasp the back of her neck, his fingers intertwined with the braid that had sat there. She had smiled at him, rocking onto her hands to push herself higher to him before placing her lips firmly to his as he did the same in return. She felt as the tension swept off his shoulders while she kissed him so strongly. It had been so long since they’d even been able to hold each other and now they were lost in the idea of one another’s lips. 

Ron pulled away first as he remembered his place, but not before he leant his forehead on hers and sending her the smallest of smiles.

“You look after yourself, you got that? Or so help me-”

“Baby, I’ve got this.” She’d replied gently while he pulled away fully, and moved to stand. He briefly glanced at the men and held back a smirk as one of them looked ready to pass out and the other two were borderline shell-shocked. He nodded once more before wandering off into the mist and disappearing completely. Y/N watched him until her was gone with a dreamy look in her eyes until she shook herself from her own loved up mind and turned back to the men beside her. None of them were even able to form words, with the closest communication being Christensen as he just pointed towards where Ron had left with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. In all honesty, she was surprised Perconte was still breathing as he just stared with the widest eyes at the woman before him. She just smirked at them before wiping the back of her gloved hand across her lips dramatically. 

“I think now would be a good time to let you know, he definitely doesn’t hate me.”

[enzofernandezsgf]

andreas christensen i will love you forever 💌

[lewan9rl]

Christensen covering Lewandowski from the camera

[erinkeifer]

Not me, unable to focus on my lectures, because I keep picturing Hayden in the classroom. And yes, I imagine him in random places I happen to be and overthink, with that specific feeling in my stomach.

I'm not ok

[ikram1909]

Gavi kiss for the goalscorer

[cheriedelune]

Have a good day/night, angels🪽

[didishawn]

i’m soo pissed like imagine how pissed they are😐😐

Don't tell me about it.

Like obviously it would be hard without Pedri, Frenkie, Dembele and Christensen, but this was more terrible than I ever thought possible.

I haven't checked yet if the rumours about Messi on the Camp Nou were true, but if he has seen the match, I hope he takes this in more of a 'they need me as much as I need them way' and not in like a 'in no way am I returning to this sinking boat'.

The referee part didn't help today at all, someone who has confessed himself as a Real Madrid follower cannot possibly be on a match against his beloved club's greatest enemy, as seen on the moment he didn't call penalty on the foul against Lewandowski, then the non-existent foul and finally the corner for Barça after a shot from Araujo that wasn't whistled and that ended up on a penalty for Real Madrid over Kessie.

On the other part, a very special thank you to Marc Andre Ter Stegen, for being the great goalkeeper he is, because without him this could have ended up in an 8-0 for Real Madrid.

I adore Ferran and Ansu, but for fucks sake they make it so hard for me to defend them, I know it's hard for them, but this is Barça, we cannot have players on the field that makes us feel as if we were playing with 9 and not 11,so that's something Xavi should check as well as improving the approach towards game like this.

Today we didn't play good, apart from other factors and excuses, the only thing we can do is think about La Liga, make sure this is not a title we lose because anything is possible really.

[emmacarsword]

missing them sooo muchhhhh