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magic5ball · 3 years

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Nature Trail to Hell Arc IV: Megamart of Darkness (1)

Chapter 1: Dorkheads and Dragons (er, Dinosaurs)

Little fun fact about the Pennsylvania Elves: they’re not actually elves. Heck they’re not even Pennsylvanian most of the time! They’re just a flock of geese that are way too into live action roleplaying for their own good that, for some odd reason, decided that their homeland was some Pennsylvania backwater they only visit during the summer. I’ve heard tales from up north, talking about how they’re just regular geese up there, but I’ve never seen it. What I did know back then was that geese were right nasty little pricks if you get them in a bad mood, with a bite that could crimp chromium steel. I also knew (and this is what saved me) despite all their defects as both elves and Pennsylvanians, they were birds, which are dinosaurs, which meant I shared DNA with the turds. Which meant I just might be able to reason with them.

I’d been formulating how to best negotiate with my captors for a good half hour when we arrived at their camp. Granted, my stomach was empty, and my mind works five times slower without my morning bowl of Lucky Loops, so it was kind of a futile effort. Most I came up with was the ol’ puppy dog eyes, and if that trick couldn’t get me anywhere with raptor gangsters, it certainly wasn’t going to get me anywhere with these persnickety pricks. At the very least, Camp Wood-Elf looked festive. Ominously so, but worst came to worst I could pretended I was at a party while they ate my soul alive (‘alive’ relatively speaking, of course).

Not much to say about place, really, besides it was a round clearing in the woods; probably (definitely) once an old campsite. Like I said, the place looked festive: party streamers, balloons, gaudy polka dot table cloth hung everywhere. Only instead of a cake, in the center of it all was a cat climber so new it still had the price tag surrounded by a stone circle filled with strange smelling wood. Above the thing hung a banner reading ‘CONGRADULATIONS! IT’S A BOY!’ in colors that made my eyes bleed.

Not missing a beat, the honky little turds tied me up Joan of Arc style to the climber using the power of duct tape (or as they called it, geese tape). With the last of my energy, I asked them what in the hey was going on (in the dinosaur tongue, of course). You should have seen their stupid faces when they realized I honked their lingo! They were just staring at me dumbfounded, like this was the first time anything unexpected had happened to them their entire lives! Shame the moment only lasted a few seconds before one of the geese (little me couldn’t tell you which. They all looked the same to him) spoke up in an archaic version of the dinosaur tongue. And considering this is the dinosaur tongue we’re talking about, that’s saying something!

It went something like “Be silent, knave! Thou hast interloped upon the bountiful realms of the wood elves of Keystonia! Have all the patience for now, for with the passing of chrono sands thou shalt receive judgement from the Indelible Monarch of Potter County!”

As if trying me to a cat climber wasn’t bad enough, now they were back to forming a circle with their shopping carts. A bit much if you ask me, seeing how the most I could do was wriggle like a snake in a vice, the climber teetering, but never quite tipping over.

Then they stopped. A new circle was formed, shopping carts on the outside, a single elf in front of each on the inside, all looking at me like I’d been the guy to buy out the Butterfly Farm and turn it into an oil field. From beneath their feathers they took out pointed party hats, wearing them over their beaks like masks. The one directly facing me, who wore a particularly festive hat reading ‘BIRTHDAY BOY’ in bright yellow letters, waddled up to me.

“Fiendish cur! Who amongst our vile enemies has sent you to taint this blessed land?!”

“Wha-“

The little turd (whose name might have been Kelly Fitzpatrick or something, but for simplicity, let’s just call him Birthday Boy) bit me right on the knee! Have you ever been bitten by a goose before? Because believe me, it is a whole other realm of agonizing pain. Fortunately, one of the first things A-Hole made sure to (have F-Bomb) teach me was how to keep my cool under interrogation. Sure, maybe I screamed loud enough to spook every squirrel within a five mile radius, but the beans (whatever they were) remained in the metaphorical can. Not that this stopped Birthday Boy any.

“Hast the divine word of the Indelible Monarch fallen upon deaf ears? I asked you, o wretched hybrid- Who hast sent thee?! Tako Shak? Milky D’s? WEGMART?!! Answer at once, or I shall subject thee to the most eldritch forme of thine archaic tounge, upon which even the most scholarly citizens undergo cessation from sheer inspidness-“

“I’m from Tako Shak. And I’m not here to ruin your happy little elf paradise. In fact, I’m a refugee that escaped.”

The campsite grew so quiet you could hear the crickets chirping… in Canada!

One of the geese in the circle spoketh (really no other way to put it) first:

“’Twas an interrogation most underwhelming. I find thyself unamused.” Several other geese bobbed their heads in agreement.

“Crap.” Whispered another. “This was supposed to last all afternoon. Now how’re we going to kill the next three hours?”

Birthday Boy didn’t miss a beat. With a bite to my other knee he got the crowd’s attention.

“Thou maketh claims grandiose! But as they say in the colloquial- canst thou walk the walk?”

I nodded, confident in my testimony. “Take off my shoes, if you dare!”

Two geese immediately waddled up to do the deed, pulling as hard as geese could until my shoes came off with a POP!

Sure enough, there were still deinonychus feet under there. The crowd ‘ooh’-ed as well as geese can, which came off as more of a honk. I was living in the moment, at least until Birthday Boy decided to be a total buzzkill and ruin it!

“Silence, thou reckless wastrels! Hast thou forgotten how Wegmart hast attempted to use dinosaur human hybrids to infiltrate our divine kingdom, and how similar creatures were utilized in the first great kingdom in times of old? In just the past five months, twelve similar attempts have been undertaken in an attempt by Wegmart to seize our remaining LARPing grounds!”

I tried to imagine twelve other half dinosaur boys walking into this forest and getting captured. Then I tried not to think of what must have happened to them.

“Still, there be-eth a single test upon which to determine where this vagrants loyalties lie! He must speketh the Elvish Tongue in its’ most divine incarnation! The Tounge of old Kanata”

He turned to face me. I could tell that, were it not for his stiff beak, he would have been smirking.

“So, o wastrel, dost thou speaketh French?”

If there was ever a time my four years in Honors Spanish had felt like a giant waste of time, it was now.

“Uhhh… Parez vouz… IlikebigbuttsandIcannotlie!”

I offered a silent prayer to the Lord, hoping that by some weird coincidence, that actually meant something. Didn’t get my hopes up, though. The geese were honking like crazy, which probably wasn’t a good sign.

“You… you unruly cur!” Honked Birthday Boy, barely maintaining his archaic accent. “How dare you! How dare you combine the blessed tongue with the mindless dread hymns of Sir Mix-a lot! Such a crime will not go unpunished!”

The geese hissed, just like a snake about to pounce, but even more bloodcurdling. They demanded my blood, and nothing could quench it but my death (I was dead, but you know what I mean).

Several demanded I burn at the stake, to which Birthday Boy said

“Burning at the stake will do no good! We will not have the ghastly smoke of this villain clog our migration skies. This soul must be purged in the most paramount of fashions. Take him to PARADISE!”

There was a chorus of honking as they loaded the cat climber onto their backs, carrying me away on the world’s fuzziest coffin.

#My writing #Nature Trail To Hell #geese #dungeons and dragons

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