#cinside voice

[cinsynate]

Why can something so simple cause your entire body to actually revulse I'm literally feeling sick

I just want to be free why can't I ever be free? I didn't fucking ask for this!

It's easy to tell yourself you're making strides or progress until you're hit with undeniable evidence to the contrary I feel like I'm going to throw up

0/10

I don't know what I was thinking trying to do anything about anything for fuck's sake I was better off being a dumb stupid bug under a rock the real world can't hurt me if I just lay here quietly and never leave I think

I hate everything about this but I don't hate you

[betterto-die-thanto-crawl]

When she stood up and then again when she approached, he flinched back hard into the wall behind his, causing him to wince, but he nodded all the same, even if he didn't look entirely convinced. "Swear ta me. S-swear ta me ya w-won't make me go back." His voice broke and he hated it. It was already too high for the role he wanted to play in life and that just made it worse, but he was serious. Deathly serious. He didn't even cinsider the rest of what she said, really, waiting until she had sworn to him that she wouldn't send him back.

He didn't laugh, but he chanced a small, cold smirk. And he didn't salute back... but he nodded. "'m Wi- I mean, Ben. 'm Ben." He gulped and shuttered, shaking right down to his breath. "An' no... I don't got no where ta go, 'cause I ain't goin' back where I come from... Nobody can make me." It was almost a threat, and he looked confused when she started talking about the lodging house. Finally, with an embarassed blush and matching gulp, he shook his head. "Don't got no nickel. B-barely got tha clothes on my back."

[imyrowlinson]

Language

16/11/20

The final week of workshops was focused on language and how it can play a massive part in branding,the language is used to help customers connect to specific words or ideas to speicifc products or companies. The word choice and the tone of voice is fundamental in forming a verbal brand identity.

To begin focusing on on the language I made some moodboards focusing on what elements of language would be cinsidered and how it would attract the attention of the audience, providing a good connection with them. From doing this I learnt that the name and strapline can hold a crutial part of this brand- the tone of voice used in these will determine the audience engagment with the brand. The ‘copy’ of something.

Throughout the workshop we were asked to focus on copy, researching both good and bad examples. From doing this I began to understand how to word things and format language to be effective. Initially I made mind maps of many different examples of good and bad copy, before focusing on just two in detail.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity as you are an ENFP I wanted to ask you how to do you see Si and Te in you? How was it clear for you that you were Ne dom and Fi aux and not the contrary? You said in the past that you cinsidered yourself socially introvert or shy, which I think is my case and I'm not sure about INFP or ENFP for me. Thanks a lot

My main way of recognizing my status as an extrovert, beyond my need for external stimulation all the time (NOTHING HAS HAPPENED IN TEN MINUTES, MY LIFE SUCKS) is that I am not a Fi-dom. So excuse me, while I once again travel into the land of indecisive Ne to illustrate my point; then I will return to your initial question.

If you compare the INFPs on this blog to the ENFPs, you will notice that the INFP’s Fi is often very prominent and “runs the show.” This is also true with real life INFPs, who as judging dominants, have and express very strong opinions. Since they are in contact with their inner self most of the time, they often know what they like and dislike, what they want to do or refuse to do, and how they FEEL about most things. There is rarely indecision on that point, especially when it comes to the strength of their inner moral focus.

While I have extremely strong opinions in a few areas, in the broader scope of reality, I am far more indecisive and disconnected from my feelings, to the point where half the time, I rationalize them out with Te, or question my “right” to feel this way at all, rather than just use them. Something I admire about INFPs is they tend to be more decisive than I am, especially in their likes and dislikes. As a Ne-dom, my likes and dislikes can change from day to day.

An INFP I know had a fight with her friends once and door-slammed all of them. She knew how she felt, that they were dissing her opinions and not respecting her true self, and after she had enough, she was done. And she did not waffle on that decision. She just quit. She made up with them much later on, but only after her temper cooled, and she had space and time to mature in her own way (and they matured also). She knew what she wanted: them gone. For now.

I complained the other day to my mother about Elizabeth of York in Philippa Gregory’s novel / miniseries, The White Princess. She is so indecisive. She changes her mind from one chapter to the next about who she is, what she wants, and answers “I don’t know” to half the questions posed to her. Some days she likes her husband, some days she doesn’t; she intends to give up on him, then turns around and falls for him again. It’s seriously annoying.

Once I got done with my rant, my mother smiled and said, “So she’s basically you, in literary form.”

Gee, thanks mom.

My mouth hung open for a couple of seconds, while my Fi had a little tantrum, and then my Te immediately snapped in and I went: “I guess. But I’d make a BAD heroine. Heroines need to be decisive! Books need plots! Heroines need to know what they want, or at least figure it out, and get there, not be lost in indecision! The plot must move forward!”

Unlike me. =P

Ne-dom makes me changeable. And it annoys me. One day, I might want this. The next day, I might not. One day, I might decide that this friend sucks. The next day, I might think I was wrong and they’re awesome. They did not change. My Ne flipped the situation around for a different perspective. It runs right over my Fi and what it wants, all the time. This means that I either do not KNOW what I want or cannot ADMIT to myself what I want, nor give myself permission to want it. It annoys me, it annoys my parents, it annoys my friends, and it annoys my cat. But that’s how it is.

I WISH I had some Fi to haul Ne’s ass into a chair and decide: NOPE. But no, instead Ne hauls me around with Fi going “Um… I don’t know how I feel yet?”

But anyway, rant aside: back to your question.

How do I see Si and Te in me?

I see Te a lot when I ‘temporarily loop’ in order to avoid dealing with my feelings. I do not LIKE my feelings. I consider them a major pain in the butt. When my grandpa died, I was a wreck before it happened. I didn’t even know him that well, but it took him a long time to die. His organs slowly shut down. I was so immersed in the pain of what was happening to my loved ones, that I cried way more than any of them. But after his death, my Te immediately kicked in. Mom wanted to clear out his house. Like, immediately. That’s how she copes.

So we did. I put aside my emotions, went into that house, and went through all my grandparents’ stuff. We filled a dumpster. I organized everything we decided to keep in piles for the family to choose from after the funeral. A lot of my decisions were people-motivated – my cousins loved playing these games with Grandma. Shall we keep them? I’ll make sure they have all the pieces and put them in nice piles. I did the funeral video. Everyone needs a Ne-dom for that. It wasn’t just about Grandpa, it was about his life. His dreams. His parents. The culture he grew up in. I managed the voice-over, without falling to pieces.

And then, I moved on.

My Si is very poor. I may be adverse to CHANGE when people announce it (and I have to deal with it a lot, my parents literally cannot live six months without changing their house around, the yard, etc) but I am not stuck in the past. Half the time it never comes to my mind. The past flows beyond me. A day can seem a week ago, and three years ago can seem like yesterday. I gaped when a friend showed me a picture recently with 2014 stamped on the bottom. That was that long ago!? My grasp on time sucks. My awareness of time sucks. My own carelessness with time… sucks. A Si-friend recently said, “You should take more pictures with your cat. You will want them when she’s eventually gone.”

I stared at her. “I will?”

See, I don’t think like that. When people, places, things, are gone, I miss them. I love them. I still think about them sometimes, but they are gone. I do not pour over pictures. I do not sit and endlessly talk about the past. I do not want to think about the past. I moved on.

Sometimes, people tell me I should slow down, or take more time with that, since they do not want me to “look back one day, and regret this moment.”

Thing is, that probably won’t happen. I rarely go back.

Unless I hurt someone badly, and never received their forgiveness, or am beating myself up about something I should have done to stop something bad from happening, I don’t look back and regret. You cannot drive a car staring into your rear view mirror. In that way, I am careless. But I don’t know how to NOT be careless. Things matter right now, and then they’re gone. I loved that show, but it’s canceled. There’s new stuff to watch. I take in so much of it (as a Ne-dom), only a few things stick longer than six months.

And sometimes, I desperately want them to stick. I sit with someone or something loving it, immersed in its beauty, and think, “How can I hold onto it? I already feel it slipping away! WHY CAN’T I APPRECIATE THIS MORE?”

Inferior Si.

This is going to sound weird, because it is weird. But, under stress… I start obsessively tinkering with sensory elements. I’ve been editing and rewriting a book for what seems like forever (forever to me is four months, but I don’t want to talk about how this is the eighth draft of the fourth version of this book in two years) which is very tedious, Si-driven work. My Te is happy to help out with deadlines, and charts, and word counts, and I have a nice little sheet of paper with things marked on it, where I enter my progress each day to keep myself motivated. But I swear on my soul, yesterday when I opened the file, my Si went nuts and said: I don’t like this font. It curls funny. Change it.

So I did.

And then I sat there for at least ten minutes, changing the font, again and again, then the sizing several times. I printed out a page to see how it will look in book form, then promptly forgot which configuration I used (poor Si!) and had to print several more sheets in different sizes. I never did figure out which was the font and what size I used for that first sheet. (Shame, I like it the best.) Then I resized the file across my screen, to try and get the font to ‘curl’ how I like it, so I could read it. I cannot read it, unless it’s the right size. And font. And I must edit so there are no paragraphs that end with one word on the next line.

(Are you laughing yet? Is that not pathetic? Welcome to my life.)

Screw inferior Si. It’s bullshit.

I never know how to say this without hurting feelings but… Fi-doms are sensitive and since INFPs have higher Si, they do not forgive you fast.

Think about two terrific insults against NFPs (from future husbands) in literature and compare them to how you process things.

Gilbert Blythe pulls Anne Shirley’s braid and calls her carrots. The little INFP smashes her slate against his head and screams at him in class. She then tells Diana “the iron has entered my soul: I shall never forgive him,” and proceeds to ignore him, compete with him, and refuse to speak to him. For years. Gibert has to grovel to get on her good side, many times. She is super sensitive and her emotions flare up immediately. “You hurt me EXCRUCIATINGLY,” she says. She means it. He DID.

Mr. Darcy insults Lizzie’s appearance (she is not handsome enough to tempt me into a dance – ie, she’s not that pretty) in Pride & Prejudice. ENFP Lizzie gapes at him, then promptly turns it into a joke. She never brings it up again. She’s mad, but more mad about what he does to Jane than his insult. She finally confronts him when he proposes, but not about that. No, it was not the insult that hit her; it was the impression she formed of his character, based on it. And when he writes her a letter that basically calls out her family for being loud, obnoxious, inappropriate trash, she is pissed but has enough high Te to realize: he has every right to feel that way about us, based on what he saw. Once she realizes WHY he thinks how he does, her anger cools. And her mind changes about him. The anger dissipates.

Did he hurt her? Sure. Deeply? Not so much.

Someone walked up to my INFP the other day and insulted her appearance. It hurt. A lot. She will probably never speak to him again.

A person insulted me to my face at dinner a few years ago. He basically implied the people I work with and the caliber of their work is poor, and I should do a better job selecting the material we work on together. (IE: Wow, you suck.) I bitch-slapped him good with a Te-snarl comeback and … promptly moved on. I was mildly annoyed by it, and it certainly colored our interactions from that point on, but I wasn’t hurt by it so much as annoyed. We stayed “friends.”

I can count the number of times people have actually hurt my feelings on one hand. My Te is strong.

How do I know this?

I’m one of the first people to come up with a rational, non-emotional “fix it” to problems. I often discount my own feelings or put them aside entirely, to get a job done. I remember one time, a friend PM’d me after I wrote a movie review and said, “But did you LIKE it?? You wrote an excellent review, but it was so non-emotional I don’t even know what YOU thought of it.” I criticized the poor elements and talked about the good ones, but there was none of “me” there.

I admit, I was a little more emotionally reactive as a child / young teeanger, but Fi still wasn’t running the show. Most Fi-dom children are very sensitive. When asked what I was like, various family members (without consulting one another) have laughed and said, “Your focus was on being a comedian. You wanted to make people laugh. But you were not especially emotional.”

I’m not. It’s true. Sometimes to my own determent.

- ENFP Mod

PS: If you get to the end of this certain you are an NFP, but you don’t know what you do in a situation in order to compare it to Lizzie or Anne’s emotional reactions, congrats: that’s shitastic inferior Si. You are an indecisive Ne-dom.

[onepiece-imagines-bartoloclub]

Besides, even if Luffy has the Voice of All Things, why would want to read the poneglyphs when part of Robin's dreams and ambitions revolve around it? It'd be pointless to have Robin if Luffy wanted to read him using that skill. Also, every strawhat serves a key role in the crew that doesn't involve fighting, sure they fight, but in the end that's not their purpose and there's a reason why they trust the monster trio to handle the fights (or at least the bigger fights) for them. Robin is an archeologist first and assassin second; her mind and her years of experience when it comes to espionage are what she's great at. To those that cinsider useless, please don't disregard her talents just because she doesn't fight as much or often as the rest.

Hi. I wanted to get your opinion about some fans who think Robin's useless, even including her ability to decipher the Poneglyphs since Luffy can read them with the Voice of All Things.

Do people really say that?

Wait, don’t answer. Of course they do. They’re probably the same ones who start bitching whenever there’s more than two chapters without a fight. 

Excluding the fact that Robin is a wonderful character with a very specific skill set that’s incredibly valuable to the crew–just read these last few chapters as proof–just because Luffy has the Voice of All Things doesn’t make Robin redundant. For one, Luffy isn’t searching for poneglyphs, and even if he were he’s not really the intellectual type that’s going to figure out what they actually mean. It’s Robin’s dream that’s brought the Void Century into the story, and it’s Robin who’s going to be the one to put all the missing pieces together.

Secondly, have these people read the Saboady arc? Because this specific thing was brought up by Rayleigh during the Saboady arc.

Roger may have had a supernatural ability that bypasses the language barrier, but he was limited by his knowledge and experience. Robin is a fully-fledged Oharan scholar, and if anything this Saboady scene implies that the truth Roger found may be incomplete or otherwise lacking. 

So yeah, Luffy’s ability (which we still don’t really know much about, and therefore people should hold off making huge assumptions on) isn’t a substitute for Robin’s intellect. 

As for the rest, I don’t know what else to say. Do people think Brook is useless because all he does is play music, or Usopp is useless because his dream isn’t important to the plot? There are a lot of people out there who are kinda missing the point of the entire series, and at this point I almost feel sorry for them   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[caramellody]

So turns out the AA dub started releasing clips like. A month ago and i never noticed???

[cinsynate]

there are more good things than before

the bad things do persist but there's more good things around at least

Jackbox is a good game. Fuck the Police, Girliepop.

3/10*

[cinsynate]

still bummed... trying to manifest feeling better tomorrow and actually improving my situation. fingers crossed!

I had soup at least and also the world is weirdly small...

0.5/10 I am gripping

[thewickedocean]

She didnt get far at all, honestly. Her disorientation kept her from truly being able to navigate the otherwise foreign territory and before she could truly get somewhere that would offer some sort of hiding place the cadaver had pounced, sending the surfer toppling to the ground. Supplies clattered and the Hawaiian woman stared up in horror at the taller, decidedly deader figure.

She wasn't very tall nor was she much sturdier than Wes- even when he had been alive, Walani could be cinsidered comparably fragile. It wasnt like he had to be concerned about things like starving to death anymore on account of already being dead; he was fortunate to find her when she had a full belly instead of on a couple days of not eating.

She opened her mouth to scream, and the only sound that came from her lips was a half-choked squeak. Even when panicked, Walani had a lovely voice.

There are many such mysteries one could question about in The Constant. Mysteries as to why there can be random graveyards strewn about the landscape- graveyards that shouldn't have to be full considering that people in this world don't permanently die. Mysteries such as why people will come across such graveyards by mere happenstance. Mysteries like the uncomfortable feeling of being peered at by undead eyes... (@mutegraveyard)

It bothered her at first- the number of graveyards she cameacross. The fact that the headstones didn’t have names or she would come acrosssome that were populated by nothing but endless scrawlings of clawmarks readingher own name over and over again but, perhaps, those had never been real. Noneof them were unfamiliar with their sanity slipping, but Walani wasn’t usuallyshaken by such things. She was calm, but when something started to wear on hernerves it gnawed and took a little longer than she would have liked for it tocrawl back up to an acceptable point.

Graveyards had that effect on people; this one hadn’t comeup as a place she was looking for, but rather, just another location she hadmeandered across in the hopes of finding a better place to camp than the oneshe had originally found. The hike was slow, and her stomach tensed when shecame upon what was otherwise a very ordinary cemetery. This one, however, feltdifferent. Felt wrong, felt… inhabited.

Walani started her slow crawl forward into the area, herpath was meandering and not unlike an aging river. She was always careful in theseplaces to make sure she didn’t walk on graves- a carryover when she rememberedthat the dead, whether they were there or not, deserved their respect.

[cinsynate]

Ok uh been a while since I did a one of these but

Man the vibes are bad I'll be honest! Very grateful to my friends for dragging me out of bed to watch survivor, if not for that I would have stayed in bed fully all day

1/10 mental health day and we're declining ugh I need like, 30 more fully restful hours per day I swear to god

[cinsynate]

Ok. This is going to be a nuanced as fuck vent text and I don't have anyone following me I don't think that isn't capable of employing some basic critical thinking but disclaimer up front regardless: I'll be discussing the concept *of* self harm without actually going into specifics, tl;dr I'm not doing it myself if you wanna keep scrolling

Before I get to the nuance I want to acknowledge that self harm is terrible, and I literally can't imagine what someone suffering from it is going through. I've never been there exactly, and like I mentioned above I'm not now, but I in no way think it's a walk in the park!

What this post is about though, is my individual experience as someone suffering from terrible terrible depression and anxiety that are seriously impacting my quality of life, that has no desire to bring physical harm to myself in any way but is nevertheless continuously doing emotional self sabotage and otherwise ruining my own life by getting in my own way.

I had a phone call with my doctor recently where I was finally brutally honest about how bad my symptoms were. That I was too anxious to go to class, or even leave my apartment most days, how I spend several days barely even leaving bed, my sleep schedule an utter mess as my life passes me by unlived. I don't derive the same joy from the things I'm suppose to like, I can't accomplish my goals, and I constantly feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. I have no energy, I will skip entire days of eating, dishes piled up in my sink because I can't bring myself to wash them in order to cook and I've both worked through the remaining easy food in my cupboards and can't afford more food to be delivered.

I know I'm not a special case, this situation will probably even resonate with others, especially on the mental illness website. What kills me though is this: One of her first questions, understandable and legally required of her in this instance, was to ask me if I had any self harm or suicidal ideation. It's the common concern for someone like me, but the answer is honestly no. Maybe it's just that I'm a wimp, but I'm way too scared of death and don't particularly enjoy the idea of hurting myself at the end of the day, so it's never been a problem for me. I want to live, but what I'm doing doesn't currently feel like I am living, so much as not dying.

Great, so she's reassured I'm not at risk of immediately killing myself, but then once I've laid all this out for her she says she's referring me to a psychiatrist to discuss medication plans. Awesome! This is unfortunately probably necessary for me, but apparently she couldn't help but add on she was referring me as a moderate, borderline severe case of depression, and I couldn't help but sit there wondering what the hell in her books justifies an unquestionably severe label.

Because when she went through her questionnaire and asked me the appropriate questions to make that decision, I gave her the blunt truth to each one, which struck me as the worst possible answers as she read them out. So the only metric I can think of that I failed to meet was the self harm one and. Is that a prerequisite now for severe depression? My life feels utterly hopeless and devoid of any joy or meaning and I can barely take care of myself. I may not be actively harming myself with intention but my body is going without proper sleep or food or joy thanks to my own inability to provide for it.

In this case I'm getting the referral either way, which definitely removes some of the bite of what I'm saying next, but it feels like the medical system only cares about mental health when it's literally already too late, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of needing to scramble to make sure my insurance will cover therapy, or worse yet the adhd clinic she also referred me to which will cost $2200 canadian dollars to go to when I may not even be diagnosed with it ultimately. I'm tired of always being forgotten or ignored or only afforded the bare minimum of care because I'm not actively holding my own life as hostage to get people to pay attention to me, and no I don't think that's the reason people are out there hurting themselves, but it feels like that's what the system sees it as. And the system seeing it that way feels like how a lot of those people are driven to that point in the first place.

[cinsynate]

Someone on tumblr armchair diagnose me

I've been sleeping on my couch for the last few days.

My bed is perfectly functional and unoccupied, and undeniably more comfortable than the couch.

As far as I can tell, the only reason I'm doing it is to provide my mind with the barest hint of variety.

It's been several days now though, so it isn't even novel.

This is not the first bout of couch sleeping I've done.

It's literally even worse than what's written here but I'm too self conscious to go into more detail.

Anyway 3/10

[cinsynate]

don't trust anything you feel after 3 AM...

And then spend the next day ignoring it until it's late again

never ending vicious cycle

[cinsynate]

I just want to scream into the void a lil don't mind me

Kind of like a digital stim I guess BLAH. Bleh. Eke. Etc.

googles how to cope with individually being shit while the world is also shit around you 0 results ok we soldier on

[cinsynate]

Today should have been good... I went to Dentist... I fixed car... I watched a beautiful movie with a wonderful new friend! By all accounts, I should be seeing big numbers.

The fucking clouds persist though. I don't know what to do about them... My keyboard is still broken... Feeling super emotional and thinking about pits of tar...

I can't give today a single score I think.

8/10 for content, but brought down to 3/10 because I'm an emotional wreck... I wish I could just accept it for what it is. u_u

[cinsynate]

Ok wait I'm... blogging again uhhhh

I'll be honest. I haven't done anything about those clouds... I'm just a leaf in a river and it's frustrating

the p key on my keyboard is broken. Been using copy paste to write the letter.

I made lemon pepper chicken with spinach salad though, so.

4/10 day. Sigh.