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edanjoygelt · 7 years

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Hot Yoga Class Fail - this cracked me up!

A few years ago, a Seattle man was trying a hot yoga class for a first time and posted this classic ad on Craigslist after. It was too funny not to share - especially after my epic fail at my last Bikram class!

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p 140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p 150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness.

1:15p I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

http://www.edanjoygelt.com

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eviivescent · 7 years

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Newtown Tragedy Sociology Paper

My full Sociology Paper on the Newtown Tragedy located below the read more. TW.

The Evil Behind The Newtown Tragedy

It was a cloudy morning in Newtown, Connecticut, as the young students of the Sandy Hook Elementary school gathered for class. However, “evil” was brewing as Adam Lanza, a 20 year old male, prepared for a day that would split the nation on what some would view as a simple topic. 9:41 am, Connecticut State 911 receives a call from Sandy Hook elementary stating that “multiple students were trapped in a classroom, possibly with a gunman” according to a source from the State Police. However, it wasn’t until emergency crews arrived that the sheer magnitude of the situation could be assessed. Adam Lanza, strapped up with a bullet proof vest, had “forced” his way into the school armed with two semi-automatic handguns - a Glock and a Sig Sauer - and a semi-automatic rifle. He proceeded to shoot and kill 26 people before killing himself. But the killing had not just happened at the school, Adam had shot his mother multiple times before taking her guns and leaving to shoot up the school that his mother had taught at; leaving the total dead at 27, 28 if you include Adam himself.

The nation was shocked. “Evil visited this community today,” Dan Malloy, Connecticut’s Democratic Governor, said at a news conference that evening. In fact, in the weeks following, “Evil” seemed to be largely at blame for this event. A writer at The American Spectator, a small conservative news magazine, went as far as saying that, “No… law can ever abolish evil. Indeed, evil can rise anywhere at anytime.” But what is this “evil” they speak of? Evil is defined by Merriam-Webster as “Profoundly immoral and malevolent” and by that definition, I guess you could say that Adam was evil. But do you not think that by classifying someone as evil, we dehumanize them and forget that anyone is capable of such things? Adam Lanza was a 20 year old male, only a year younger than myself. He was believed to suffer from some severe mental health disorders of which I can also relate. I do not see this idea of evil that everyone else sees. I see a young man who had been ostracized by his peers. A man who lashed out of his sub-social existence in order to make himself known. In sociology, this form of feeling detached from the dominate culture, of feeling isolated from society, an inability to comply to the social norms is called anomie and anomie can often result in backlashes from an individual. One is more likely to harm someone that they feel no relation to.

Liberals will have you believe that it is all the fault of the guns and conservatives are quick to blame video games or mental health but could it actually just be our fault? A columnist for the Economist, a large political magazine, wrote in a story titled Fake Tears that, “Those of us who view the events remotely… unless we start to evince a newfound appetite for gun-control measures to prevent future mass slayings, are doing little more than displaying and enjoying our own exalted strickenness. This is an activity at which we, as a culture, excel.” The columnist is basically saying that, as a culture, we do not actually care. We pretend to, sure, but a few weeks down the road it will all just be a sad memory. We can pat ourselves on the back because we mourned for the loss but nothing will have changed and another terrible act as such will probably just happen again. But wait, do not the same type of events already happen as a day to day worry?

What does it say about our nation when we grieve the loss of 20 young kids in a neighborhood that is predominantly suburban raised and white and yet when shootings and murders happen in inner city areas where most residents are either minority or poor, or both, we just shrug it off and say, “oh, well that is just the way it is”? Why does our culture view it as deviant to happen in “suburbia” but not in “inner city”? I am using the term “Deviant” in regards to social deviance, which, in sociological context, is used when describing actions or behaviours that violate cultural norms including that of formally-enacted rules. So why is it a cultural norm for shootings to happen in poor and/or minority predominant areas and yet when it happens in suburbia, we all freak out? Are we still so set in these ideas of poor and minority stereotypes that we focus on an ideal based in prejudice (defined as the holding of unfounded ideas about a group, ideas that are resistant to change as opposed to discrimination which focuses on the specific treatment of people based on differences) in which they are just more violent so it is not a tragedy when it happens in their neighborhoods? I ask these questions because I do not know the answers. As this nation’s youth, I feel inclined to ask the more knowledgeable members of my society to answer such questions and if you have not the answers then go ahead and ask the questions yourself.

We have become a nation in which half of us value our guns more than our children and the other half is too focused on being nice to do anything about it. Not long after the fuss of the shooting died down, an “independant truth seeker” (read as conspiracy theorist) posted an article and short film on how the Sandy Hook shooting was a hoax. He made a claim with his article that Sandy Hook was a plot by the government in order to push a gun control agenda in order to further control our citizens. I do not even feel the need to dispute such a claim and yet the internet and the youth of our nation were so ready to fall in line with this claim in order to protect our guns. But every once and awhile, we do get those gems in the rough.

A small solo journalist, who goes by the internet tag of justanothercommie, pointed out that, “Groups like the National Rifle Association and others will occasionally recognize the problem for what it really is – that dangerous weapons can too easily fall into the hands of the mentally unstable,” which is finally something we should be talking about. He goes on to point out that, “however they offer no solutions as a rational one would compromise their own position and standing among their supporters. Rather, they aggressively fight any gun legislation which is not congruent with their interpretation of the Second Amendment.” Just like the situation I had mentioned above, groups like this frequently resort to the tactics of Reductio ad Hitlerum, in which they paint their opponent as a tyrant bent on destroying civil liberties as we know them. And it seems ironic to me that one of the groups (the NRA) that are more representative of the “Powers that be” are pulling a stance that resembles the conflict perspective, a theory in sociology that emphasize the social, political or material inequality of a social group, which in this case is gun owners/”true americans”.

So tell me, in this society that values human life and emphasizes equality, are either of those actually the case? Or are we just too busy pretending to care in order to climb the ladder even just one more rung to a sense of narcissistic ego boosts? We blame the gun or the man, the mental health status or video games, we are even willing to blame such a vague concept of “evil.” But could it really just be our fault? Our politicians bicker about our “right to bare arms” and yet we cannot even assist our “lesser” citizens in achieving a decent standard of living. What about their rights as human beings? Their rights to not starve? What about Adam’s right to get help with his mental health?

We can point fingers and pass the blame until we turn blue in the face but when you remove all the political rhetoric, all that is left is the facts. Adam Lanza was a 20 year old white young male with asperger’s syndrome. He was recorded to be socially withdrawn (as is a normality when one suffers from aspergers) and to be incredibly intelligent. He had a broken home and yet what appeared to be a caring family. He is recorded to have felt isolated from everyone and “alone.” On December 14th, he snapped. With access to his mothers legally owned guns, he was able to gun down 27 victims and then himself. I do not see evil, I just see questions. So I ask you, who’s fault is it? Who really killed those 28 victims on December 14th, 2012?

#myramblings #tw

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thingstodoinvietnam1 · 4 years

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Weather in Hoi An 2020

The weather is showing the unexpected things around the world from the start of 2020. The biggest disasters are the bush fires, storms and earthquakes in different countries which are the reason of global climate change. The weather of Hoi An has also shown some drastic changes. Weather of different areas are different because of the locations like mountains, river side etc. The detailed weather of Hoi An in 2020 according to statistics is:

January and February 2020 in Hoi An

The January of Hoi An has rains and a little bit of fog. It rains for almost 5 to 7 days in the month of January. It is mild and pleasant to explore however due to unpredictable precipitation; you should be prepared. The hottest time of January is the first week. Pack your sunscreen, hat and sunglasses along with an umbrella. It is better to check the weather forecast in January before planning anything. It rains less in February as compare to January. The afternoons become a little warm in February. The humidity becomes high in both months. The evenings are colder so if you plan to go to a roof top restaurant or mountains then keep something warm to wear.

(Weather in Hoi An 2020)

March 2020 Hoi An

The month of March becomes hot during afternoons. The areas near the river and mountains are pleasant. This is a good time for outdoor exploring activities whereas the villages should be visited early in the morning because locals of the rural areas usually rest a bit in the noon. Climate change is bringing huge diversions in the weather graphs. Normally March is full of activities and exploration. The temperature and weather is perfect for beach activities like snorkeling, scuba diving, hiking etc. The temperature of March 2020 is similar to last year until 20th however it increased in the end of the month.

(Weather in Hoi An 2020)

April 2020 Hoi An

April is the peak of spring in Hoi An. It is warm but pleasant with the maximum of 30oC in the mid-day. The weather in March 2020 showed a lot of changes like the irregularity of rainfalls and heat. The weather remains enjoyable during April. The expected temperature during the hottest day of April is up to 30oC. The spring starts ending with the end of April so the tourism also decreases as the month reaches to its end. The Lunar new year festivities are celebrated.

(Weather in Hoi An 2020)

May 2020 Hoi An

The month of May is hot but tolerable in Hoi An. The temperature during the noon reaches a maximum of 32oC and it falls maximum to 25oC. You should plan the trip to explore villages and city center early in the morning so during the afternoon you can relax. It is a normal routine in summers that most of the Vietnamese take rest in the afternoon. The precipitation decreases and limits to 15 days. During the summer of 2015 the temperature reached the record of 40oC in May. Otherwise it reaches the maximum of 32oC. If you plan a visit in Hoi An during May, then most of the afternoons remain limited to early mornings or evenings. If you plan a visit to the villages or country side then keep your portable fan, water bottles and sunscreen with you along with umbrella.

(Weather in Hoi An 2020)

June 2020 Hoi An

The month of June is extremely hot with scorching sunlight. The temperature reaches a maximum of 30oC with direct sunlight. The precipitation remains for 19 days in a month. However, with the passage of time the temperature is changing drastically because of climate change. The weather in Hoi An 2020 is completely unpredictable. The statistical data of the previous year cannot judge the exact temperature and precipitations. The month of May had a bad weather as compared to past years. The evening and early in the morning usually falls to 26oC. The bridges trips become pleasant because of the light winds, rains and low temperature. This time is not suitable to visit the country side and rural areas because of the unexpected rains. The day time you have to be mentally prepare for a heat wave and rain anytime.

July 2020 Hoi An

July is also a really warm month and the temperature reaches the highest of 33oC. However, weather in Hoi An becomes a little mild in the evening with the lowest of 26oC. This is a very dry month with an average rainfall for 19 days. The sun remains tough for almost 6 hours a day. The expected weather in Hoi An 2020 during the month of July is extremely hot with the average of 35oC. The thunderstorms will also remain strong so it is better to keep the sunscreen and umbrella with you. The temperature never falls to a cold scale even after rains. It becomes mild and pleasant. The starting of the month will be extremely hot with thunderstorms and rains in July 2020.

August 2020 Hoi An

The third warmest month of the year in Hoi An is August so it is expected that it will remain extremely hot because of the climate change. The temperature in the day time reaches the maximum of 33oC and the lowest of 25oC. The precipitation is on the maximum point that sometimes it rains for almost 26 days in the month. Weather during the month of August shows the navigation from the mid of the month and by the end it becomes a little cooler. The early mornings and evenings become pleasant and rainy. This month is the beginning of tropical monsoon due to that the thunderstorms occur almost every day with rain falls and warm weather. The heat waves are also common in August. This is an extremely unfavorable and unpredictable month. The heat wave of August is also dangerous for the people with cardiovascular diseases. The weather in Hoi An 2020 during August will remain completely unpredictable because of the climate change. You should check the weather forecast with prior to your trip and be prepared for every type of weather situation.

September 2020 Hoi An

The September of Hoi An is normally wet and full of continuous rainfalls. The statistical data and the past ten-year weather is showing some changes due to climate change and unexpected happenings around the world. The weather in Hoi An 2020 will be unpredictable according to the statistical data. Normally it rains for almost 22 days during the month. Temperature starts decreasing and the maximum temperature of the day is 31oC and the lowest is 24oC. Thunderstorms and rainfalls become frequent with warmth. The sky remains cloudy with hot afternoons and the first week in September is very hot. During the 2020 it is mandatory to check the weather, according to the previous months before planning the trip. Be prepared for the scorching summer heat and rainfalls while being on the tour.

October 2020 Hoi An

The weather becomes better as compared to the previous months. Rainfalls start decreasing and the continuity breaks along with the milder climate. The maximum temperature in the mid-day reaches to 29oC whereas it drops to 24oC. The record of the weather broke during 2014 when the temperature reached 35oC and fall to 20oC in 2010. According to the last ten-year climate statistics, it is expected that during 2020 there might be some unexpected changes due to the climate change. In the city of Hoi An, the weather becomes pleasant in October. The decrease of rainfall and the monsoon clouds make it very nice to explore the village and country side areas. You can check the weather forecast to see the exact calculation of temperature and rainfall. The afternoon is hot with wind and a light breeze. Evenings of October are very pleasant. However, mostly visiting the islands are restricted which are only reachable by boats and ferries.

November 2020 Hoi An

According to the statistical data of the last ten years, most of the floods occurred in the month of November. The weather becomes worst as compared to the previous months of the year. Due to the global climate change in unpredictable weather is expected in the month of November 2020. It is highly recommended to check the weather of Hoi An during the month of November and if you are planning to visit then take extra precautions. The rainfall decreases whereas the days when the rain falls is continuous. The floods occur in the village and coastal areas. It is better to avoid island visits and boat tours because Vietnam doesn’t have the boats of international standards. The maximum temperature is 27oC and the minimum is 22oC. Sometimes the days become extremely hot and sunny and sometimes foggy. You should be prepared for any kind of climate situation in the month of November. It is better to learn about the weather or plan the trip during the pleasant months. The climate change has made the month of November more unpredictable, so you should get the chart of complete weather forecast before your trip.

December 2020 Hoi An

The month of December is better than November. The rainfall also decreases, but the weather becomes colder. The highest temperature is 26oC during the afternoon and the lowest temperature is 20oC. The country side has cold river breeze and the evenings are also cold, especially the locations near the river. Villages and city center also have winds but it makes the afternoon very pleasant to explore the city. The unexpected rainfalls also end and it becomes nice to visit different areas. However, the water on the beaches is cold and they are windy so check the temperature of the day before visiting the coastal side. The weather of different areas is different from each other according to the location like mountains, seaside or main city.

Some additional tips:

During the very hot months keep sunscreen of SPF 30+.

Pack full sleeved shirts and trousers for forests and country side. Avoid wearing short skirts especially for the forests, bicycling and hiking trips.

A lot of eco-tourism areas are very well conserved so keep your trash bags with you and do not spill the garbage while exploring.

When going to the islands or other leisure place check the prices because food is very expensive at some places so you should keep snacks with you.

Never forget packing the general medicines and anti-allergic medications with you.

Some of the public toilets do not have toilet papers so keep your sanitizer and toilet paper rolls in the bag pack.

In the year 2020, the weather of the whole world is showing drastic changes. There are bush fires, earth quakes, volcanic eruption chances, disease outbreak (Corona Virus) and many other unfortunate disasters due to the climate change and global warming. It is mandatory to check the weather and the social condition of the place before going there. Some months of the year are generally unexpected in Hoi An so it is better to be prepared before travelling.

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from Things To Do In Hoi An https://thingstodoinhoian.com/weather-in-hoi-an-2020/

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thehairypickle-plusone-blog · 7 years

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Fractures of my broken mind

To this day I truly believe the month I spent in the Mother Baby Psychiatric Unit in Melbourne was the first time I have been truly open and honest with myself. As rewarding as this was. Things don't change overnight. I was discharged on December 9th 2016. That's 4 months of living with my new sense of self. 4 months of stripping everything back and baring the naked truth. 4 months of battling with what I know and don't know and have yet to understand. It's been a roller coaster of anxiety, crazy highs and massive lows. A battle with the bottle, my past boozy habits and Valium sanctuary taking a firm hold of me. Being frustrated that I'm not "better yet". I keep wanting this overnight fix. But every morning I wake up it hasn't happened. We talk about trauma and something traumatic. When I hear these words I think of a car accident causing trauma to the head or a traumatic event witnessing a terrorist attack or murder. I don't bring it home to me personally on a lifestyle of living. To be told you have had a traumatic childhood and upbringing just sounds odd to me when I don't use that word in context to a family environment. It also panics me because if I don't get well if I don't take a firm hold of the reigns in my life, will that mean I'm subjecting my son to a traumatic upbringing? Am I already doing that when I can't cope and put him in his cot to go close the door and cry for five minutes in the bathroom on my own whilst he screams out in his cot. Am I already being a bad mother? Am I already setting the stones to a shit upbringing? Why is my head so cloudy? Why do I just not want to hold my son somedays? Like he's a stranger to me? Yet when he's out of my care for more than an hour I'm lost and I need my little boy back in my arms. I suppose a lot of this is just part of being a first timer at this Mum business. I think too what is everyone else's crazy and dramatic is my normal in my head. You see my mind isn't wired quite the same as most peoples. My mind overreacts in what's usually an easily resolved scenario. My mind talks to me and tells me everyone hates me. That I'm a burden, a failure, a misfit. That I don't "belong" that I don't know where home is meant to be? I see things very much for black and white. I often fail to see and correspond to criticism or people's alternative opinions to mine. I'm extremely passionate though. I take a lot to heart and hold intense values and morals over a lot of things in life. If I don't like you, I actually am terrible at not showing it and playing nice. I cut people off when their values and morals don't match mine. I used to change boyfriends like I changed my underwear I don't think I've ever had a consecutive relationship without a break up lasting any longer than 18 months. I jump into the next relationship as I can't bare to be alone. I have holes in my heart of emptiness that started when I was 4 according to psychologists. How I've tried to fill those holes has been an unhealthy cycle of, booze, boys, sex, drugs and raging metal covered in tears of frustration. It's seen me surviving life and never properly living it. It's seen me drop to all time lows just to keep the lifestyle I so badly wanted. Moving forward my anxiety is rife at this current stage. Borderline personality disorder has been made my diagnosis. There is no drug to "cure" this. Just therapy and hopefully by my mid 30s it will ease off with its intensity. When someone has been exposed to a traumatic upbringing, for example violence, sexual abuse, neglect, drugs alcohol etc. they do not learn the fundamentals of what a healthy relationship is and what love truly is. What is ok and what is not. We are seen to be erratic and attention seekers but are anything but that. I believe BPD to be a mental illness that people fear along with schizophrenia as we can be so unpredictable. I have the ability to be loving and kind and warm and the whole time despise myself. I also have the ability to be a cold hearted bitch who will do whatever it takes to seek justice. I'm a sunflower I blossom and shine so brightly in full bloom but I can also be this lonesome wee seed not knowing where to start out. I always thought I just had depression & anxiety but my moods did not actually match those of that description hence after 26 years I was told the words I didn't want to hear but words that I had suspected where what my diagnosis actually was and that was that "Hannah you have borderline personality disorder". I guess in a way I am like my Mums favourite song by the Verve "bitter sweet symphony". "I'm a million different people from one day to the next I can change I can I can change". I see how she related that to her own mental illness of schizophrenia and likewise I can relate it to the unpredictability and irrational behaviours that come with BPD. However I won't sit and allow myself to wallow in this or have this diagnosis define me. I've recognised things are getting worse lately and I've reached out and spoken up to furthermore gain help. I have a support worker who comes over for 3 hours each fortnight to help me out with Ollie and household things that somedays just seem to overwhelming for me to do. I also asked my psychologist to change my sessions from fortnightly back to weekly whilst we go through a difficult chapter. Furthermore I've recognised there's only so much mindfullness and deep breathing I can do before I need medical intervention. Hence going back onto valium. Pharmaceutical drugs are not a bad thing and I wish we would stop labelling them as being so. I honestly don't know at times if I would cope being off them and have been strongly advised not to come off my anti depressants. So there you have it there's my crazy. I know I'm the crazy friend. The colourfully wild, unpredictable one. The one you all love one minute then go what the fuck Hannah the next. But that's just me. For now anyway, for now whilst I travel down this what is a very new and untraveled road of healing, educating, and pushing through the factors in which I need to learn to strengthen myself. To heal old wounds and learn how to properly smooth over the new wounds and issues that I face. I've loved I've lost. I cannot tell you how many people I've lost. Usually just out of not knowing how to deal with a situation. However now if I cut people off it's because my over exposure and awakening of myself has also made me look deeply into the friendships and relationships I have and what purpose they serve and if they are healthy or not? I know a lot of this is quite repetitive, I've spoken before in my blogs about all these different feelings. But now I have not a label but a better understanding and insight into what I believe to be my fractured unique mind. A mind that is so powerful it can have the ability to overrule my heart and hurt, lash out and push away the ones I love the most. It's usually the ones closest to me that suffer. It's not their fault and nor is it entirely excusable on my behalf, but it is a part of this journey as I learn what in fact are the fundamentals of love, Life and caring. What it means to be loved. Until Ollie was born I feel I can honestly say I never truly loved anyone. I was selfish and protective of myself. I sought out to empower myself and if it meant it hurt people along the way then so be it, I took no responsibility. Now I've taken back responsibility. I've looked at times and situations in my life that were not ok, where I put not only myself but others at risk. Where I lied to protect my own image whilst crumbling others. To be very clear in saying that I've lied this does NOT mean I lied about Ollies paternity nor does it mean I lied about my sexual abuse when questioned over both issues of in fact I had lied. I can be a cunt but not a sociopathic cunt on that level. To say I'm a mess isn't true. I'm colourful, and loud I'm also painfully awkward and reserved on many levels. I'm grateful for as I've learnt whom my true friends and family are as I've gone through this journey. Having seen through my own bullshit I'm also beginning to see through other people's bullshit. I once read a saying and it's so accurate "don't play victim to the circumstances you created". I grew up with people who did this. I too for a long time did this. I now see through it. It's a scary thing to be honest. To admit to your own faults. It's a beautiful thing to have purpose in life and I feel now I have found my purpose. Nothing greatly spectacular I'm not going to be the next Florence Nightingale or Frida Kahlo, but I am going to be uniquely and amazingly me and a vessel of love to my son and as a partner, friend and family member and general citizen of society.

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meditationklaus · 7 years

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Funny Yoga Mat Craigslist Ad Describes Hot Yoga Hell

Craigslist, that bottomless pit of barely-used blenders and secondhand patio furniture, is also a goldmine for hilarious ads.

This particular Craigslist ad has been doing the rounds for a while, but it still makes us giggle.

A Seattle man has posted a yoga mat for sale at a measly $1. The yoga has been used just once, but it’s gone through a LOT, as has its owner, hence the rock-bottom price.

The ad describes his harrowing experience at his first hot yoga class in five years. We’re spared no details , from the way his sweat forms a mustache above his lip, to how body odor and excessive perspiration led to the untimely end of a (totally imaginary) relationship with the cute yogi on the next mat.

Read the full text of the funny yoga mat Craigslist ad below:

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:59a Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:10p It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

12:33p It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

12:44p I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

1:01p 140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, b*tch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:15p I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish b*tch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:30p Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:47p Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

4:29p Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Hot yoga can be a bit challenging to the uninitiated, but once you get used to the heat, the benefits can’t be beat! Check out 10 Essential Ways to Adjust to Hot Yoga for ways to get yourself used to the extreme temperatures, if you aren’t yet.

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