#continuing giving attention to al thinking about and missing isabelle made the pining all the sweeter

[booasaur]

Fear the Walking Dead - 7x06

[fairestlily]

Prompt #15: Ache

So, this one got out of control. 2000-ish words of Lily and Thancred finally figuring out the dance they’ve been doing.

This scene follows immediately on the heels of yesterday’s prompt - I intend to clean them both up and post them as their own single story on AO3 soon, but until then ... 

Set after 5.3, no spoilers in this one.

*

By the time she returns to the Rising Stones, Thancred is gone, dispatched to St. Coinach's on some errand by Tataru. It's for the best, Lily thinks - she's still not quite centered, not quite ready to smile and pretend that conversation never happened. And certainly not ready to address it head on, not yet.

She dives into some old correspondence, but after a while, she's distracted by new arrivals - some of the newer Scions arriving back from their missions, and later F'lhammin coming to introduce them all to Rowena's newest clerk. Someone starts pouring drinks, and it's not long until a full fledged party seems to be going. It's a welcome distraction - the quiet isn't quite as comforting as it was earlier, Lily finds. So she happily sets her correspondence aside and accepts a drink.

… or three. Or maybe five. Eventually, she loses count.

At one point, sometime after the alcohol has started to make everything seem a little fuzzy around the edges, Lily looks over to see that Thancred has returned. He's caught the attention of Rowena's new clerk (Isabelle? Annabelle? Something with a belle, Lily remembers that much). It's something she's seen a dozen times or more - some woman leaning close to Thancred, looking a little dreamy as he smiles at her. It's … oh gods, it's probably how she looked this morning. She sees Thancred raise his eyebrows and laugh, and the girl blushes, and the lingering ache in Lily's chest feels too heavy to bear. Fuck, she's drunk, and stupid besides. She takes a deep breath and deliberately turns away. Hoary Boulder has apparently started a card game across the room, and that seems like a much better option than this ridiculous pining she's doing.

She loses some money and maybe laughs a little too loudly during the game, but it's a distraction, which is all that matters. But eventually, everyone starts to disperse, and Lily is left on the downward slope of her drunkenness. She stands up, steadying herself on the back of her chair, and decides that no, she doesn't want to stay here tonight - tonight she wants her house, her own space. She wants to sleep this off and figure out how to get rid of this damnable ache.

She stumbles toward the door, only to be stopped by a hand on her shoulder. "Where are you going?" Thancred asks.

Lily swallows a curse.  "Home," she says instead.

"You have a room here, maybe you should just stay the night?"

He's probably right, but she can't. She just can't. "I want my place," she says, hating how pitiful her voice sounds. "I just have to walk from the aetheryte, it's fine."

"Lily." There's a quiet plea in his voice, and she turns around. He's seemingly sober, and looks concerned, which just makes her feel worse. He studies her face for a moment, then sighs. "Let me walk you home, then."

"Why? If you come through the aetheryte with me, you can't come back on your own."

"You have a couch. I've slept there before."

Gods, his presence is the opposite of what she wanted - and the only thing she wanted, but not like this. But it feels like too much effort to fight him; too much chance to say something she doesn't want to say. "Okay," she says, and turns to head outside again.

It's past dusk, and the Lavender Beds are quiet. They start the walk up the hill to her cottage, and make it halfway there before Thancred speaks again. "Can I ask what's wrong, or is that off the table?"

Lily feels her shoulders slump. "It's nothing," she says. "Just a mood that hit me, that's all."

"Ah." They make it to her gate before he speaks again. "I just wanted - that is, if what I said earlier made you -"

She cuts him off, almost afraid of how that statement might end. "No! No, it's not that." A lie of sorts, but a necessary one. "Nobody's ever said anything that - I don't know, good about me, I guess."

Thancred gives a small chuckle. "People say good things about you all the time."

"Yeah, maybe. But not ones that I believe." The words slip out before she can think about them. Beside her, Thancred stills for a moment, but she continues up the stairs and into the house ahead of him, afraid to turn and show him how embarrassingly red her face is.

She's in her small kitchen, drawing a mug of water before he follows her and closes the door behind him. "Is that what's wrong?" he asks softly. "You don't know what to do with someone who tells you how amazing you are?"

"No!" She downs the entire mug in one gulp, hoping it will stave off the headache that is threatening the edges of her vision. "No, I mean, I'm not very good at taking compliments, obviously, but it's not - fuck." She closes her eyes, and once again, her mouth runs ahead of her thoughts. "I don't know what to do with you."

Thancred goes still, and so does she. Gods, she said it, didn't she? "Gods, I'm dumb," she groans. "Can you just forget I said that, chalk it up to the ale?"

"No … no, I don't think I can."

Lily can't bring herself to look at him, doesn't want to see whatever's in his eyes - whatever it is that accompanies that slow voice, full of dawning realization, she can't handle it. Not now. Maybe in the morning she'll have the fortitude. She turns to the door leading to the basement, to her bedroom. "You know where everything is, make yourself comfortable."

"Lily...."

She's a coward. She doesn't want to be, she wants to be the brave, shining person he talked about this morning. So she gathers the tattered remnants of her courage around her and turns back to him. There's something soft in his eyes, and she's far too afraid that it's something like pity. She opens her mouth, but nothing remotely eloquent comes out. After a moment, all she has is a near-whispered, "Please, Thancred." It shames her.

His response is not what she expected. "Anything. What do you need?" His voice sounds strangled, almost as if he's having the same trouble finding the words.

She doesn't know what she needs. "Grace," she finally settles on. "I need you to give me tonight, let me sleep this off. I want - I don't want to lose anything with you, anything we have, just because I feel -" Lily swallows around a lump stuck in her throat. "Like this."

Thancred's expression changes, to her surprise. There's a confusion in his gaze now, one that seems to be shifting into another thought altogether. "Like what, Lily?"

He's going to make her spell it out. Her courage will only carry her so far, so she closes her eyes as she finally says the words. "Like I might be in love with you."

Silence greets her confession, and her courage runs out. She reaches for the door and flees to the basement - she won't cry, not until she's buried in her pillows and can muffle the sound, she swears it.

She barely makes it to the bottom of the stairs before she hears footsteps following her - not enough footsteps, almost as if they skip more than half the stairs on their way down. There's no time to yell at him, or say anything at all; hands grip her shoulders and whirl her around to face a wide-eyed Thancred. He's trembling, she notes faintly, as if from somewhere outside of herself. "Gods, Lily, you think …" And then he shakes his head, as if the words just aren't working right.

And then he kisses her.

Lily flails for a moment, as his hands cup her cheeks, and his chapped lips press firmly to hers. When it feels like he might pull back, though, she recovers enough to fling her arms around his neck and hold him close. She can feel his indrawn breath, and then a small chuckle vibrates against her mouth. Normally she'd poke at him for laughing at her, but she's too … everything right now. Too fuzzy. Too shocked. Too godsdamned happy, when she didn't expect to be. So instead, she kisses him again, her lips parting so she can taste him properly. At the touch of her tongue, Thancred groans, a primal sort of sound that makes her knees go weak. They stumble backward, her back hitting her dresser - she hears something fall, maybe multiple somethings, and she will worry about that later because Thancred is pressing his hips into hers, his tongue sliding into her mouth and - maybe she's already passed out and dreaming, that's a distinct possibility.

By the time they part again, Lily has to gasp for breath. When she can focus on his face again, she finds him in the same condition, lips wet and parted. "Well …" she murmurs, feeling a ridiculous smile cross her face. "Fuck."

"A brilliant idea," he answers, leaning his forehead against hers. "And a really fucking tempting one, but I have just enough willpower left to suggest we wait until you're sober."

That makes Lily laugh. "I didn't exactly mean - but I will point out that right now, I'm closer to hungover than drunk." Her head is pounding, but that's the least of her concerns.

"Still. The point stands." He kisses her forehead gently, which somehow feels even more intimate than their previous kisses. "By the Twelve, Lily," he whispers against her skin, "I have no idea how you missed how much I …" He exhales, and she can feel his lips curve into a smile. "How I feel. About you."

She doesn't begrudge him the word. It still feels like an open wound to her, to be honest, just having it out there between them. She's not going to expect him to do the same, not yet.

His arms loosen from around her, and Lily finds herself making an utterly embarrassing noise of disappointment. But, she thinks, the embarrassment might be worth it for the brief look of delight on his face as he pulls back. "Before I forget I'm at least marginally a gentleman …" She snorts at that, which just gets a grin. "I should go back to the couch."

She wants - gods, she wants so much, but right now, in this moment, what she really wants is simple. "No," she says softly. "Will you stay? To sleep? I mean, my bed is big enough, and more comfortable than the couch."

The sound he makes is gratifying - something between a sigh and a pleased groan. "I suppose I can keep my hands to myself, if you want."

"I mean, I'm not asking for that," she says with a grin, before turning away to start stripping off her clothes. There's another groan behind her, which is most definitely flattering. But she hears the soft sounds of him doing the same, as she pulls her sleep shirt over her head.

They crawl into bed, and before Lily can think about how this should work, Thancred is tugging her against him, back to his chest, curling around her and wrapping an arm around her middle. The fuzzy edges of the hangover recede a little, replaced by a primal contentment she didn't expect - but really, how long has it been since she's just been held by someone, anyone? Much less the man she's in love with? "This good?" he asks, his voice muffled in her hair.

"Mmmmmm," she hums, closing her eyes.

Maybe she'll wake up alone tomorrow, she thinks as her mind begins to drift. Maybe this is just a really vivid dream, her own wishful thinking. But right now, her lips yet tingle with the memory of his kisses, and her body drowses in his arms. That's enough. Right now, it's enough.