#cooka da boiga

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Fluffy SFW Bob Velseb Headcanons Because Surinnit Knows What They Did

@surinnit *Hugs You* YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID.

He LOVES to snuggle. The only ""Problem"" is that he LOVES to be "the dog" as in under you but you're not actually on him.

Sneaky kisses. You're working? Kiss. You're cleaning? Kiss. You're cleaning yourself? Pokes his head in the shower, Kiss. You're Sleeping? Lil' smooch. I think you get the point? Kiss.

Since I head-canon he has severe brain damage a few disabilities from getting ran over four motherfucking times, sometimes he takes his hearing aids off and signs compliments to you. Either that or he wants to talk about bedroom stuff without sounding like an awkward teen. Or his hearing aids died and he enjoys talking to you.

Another Head-canon! He has Tourettes. Although it's usually not severe or dangerous, sometimes he has little attacks and hurts himself {e.g pulling a muscle when his arm or leg jolted the wrong way, hitting himself in the face when he shrugged a little bit harder than expected, getting a case of false whiplash when he turned his neck a bit too fast} And he INSISTS that you kiss it to make him feel better [if it's in a convenient spot, of course] and an extra little kiss on the lips to seal the deal.

He loves giving little Q&A talks when you want to know about how his body works or how his parents met. How many times in your life do you get to date an eldritch-Esque quite literally the son of sin with both fly and moth features??? Yeah, yeah Cool ass boyfriend but is his mom Beelzebub herself????

You make fun of his accent a LOT. You actually gave him a few pet names based on it. A "Heya, bumpkin." or "Hello, my cowboy." has been uttered more than a few times.

You are the only one he has shared his birth name with. And occasionally you use that fact to your advantage. You usually use it like a dog's full name; when he's done something wrong. "ABEZETHIBOD R. VELSEB, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?"

Bob is a dog person. In fact, you two have a Pit Bull-Borzoi mix. The problem is that they think they're a lap dog. You're used to it though because Bob thinks he's a lap dog too.

He trusts you more than anybody. You're actually the first person he came out to as a Transgender Bisexual AND you're the only person he doesn't try and actively hide his disabilities or extra abilities from. He occasionally takes his prosthesis, hearing aid, and/or glasses off in front of you.

He melts at your touch. You touch his horns? Melt. You touch his face? Melt. You touch... Actually anywhere on that touch-starved man's body? Melt.

that's about it, for now. lmao bye

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Mother

Rick, sauntering up the stairs and into the attic with a cup of coffee: What are you doing?

Bob, sitting on his knees, rummaging around a worn leather trunk: Just lookin' through some old stuff... Hey, this is an old photo of me an' my 'Ma!

Bob, beaming: {//Hands the picture to Rick\\}

Rick, pointing to a young woman in a flower print petticoat holding hands with a little girl sporting a scribbled-out face and a matching kilt: This is her?

Bob, with a soft smile on his face, a small lump in his throat: Yeah. That's her alright.

Rick, breaking character and actually showing emotion for once: She was beautiful, Robert.

Bob, letting a tear or two roll down his face: 'ah know.

Bob, voice cracking and starting to break down, wiping rapidly flowing tears from his face: She was kind too, a Mama you could talk to and she would understand, even if you were sobbin' and speakin' gibberish. She would hold your hand to one of the first legal pride parades when you came out to 'er, flailing around a homemade white, pink, an' blue flag like she was crazy. She would bye you skin-safe tape and make sure you took it off by dinnertime. She would tell you that you were beautiful when she saw ya' lookin' at yourself in the mirror a certain way. I loved her so, so, so much.

Rick, his lip quivering and tears welling up in his eyes, holding out strong arms: C'mere, Hon, I know you need it.

Bob, almost leaping into the hug and weeping profusely into Rick's chest: Thank you. So much.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Bob is Nocturnal

Frank is Cathemeral or Crepuscular

Rick is Diurnal

Rick trying to fucking sleep while Frank is on the edge of sleeping but still has too much energy and Bob is sprinting around the house on all fours, howling and barking like a dog while their Pitbull-Borzoi mix does the same because they somehow ain't tired either.

In short, Rick:

Frank:

And Bob:

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Sigh

Sometimes Bob has a bad day and he just goes into a fucking room and screams. Loudly. He ain't holdin' back, babe. He's not trying to sound manly either. Sounds like an adult woman just got hit in the balls, Bob probably had a bad customer that just got out of Sunday service and decided they wanted to go full Karen on the manager of a Boys and Grills because they gave her a hamburger with ham in it when she asked for a hamburger with ham in it like that green guy from Spongebob asking for another Krabby Patty because there weren't exactly 456 sesame seeds on the top bun.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

FUCKING FUCK WHEN WILL IT END

Bob's laugh varies. It does not stay the same for long. One day it'll sound like a completely normal belly laugh and then there's a hyena in the living room watching Family Feud.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

You see, I'm the kind of person that makes weird ass literally-how-could-that-even-be-an-option headcanons that make no sense. Rick from spooky month is a fallen Powers angel???? What???? He is this random fucking background character that does nothing and contributes to the plot as much as if you threw a pebble at solid metal with a broken arm and yet???? He's this whole dude???? HUH???? He's Just this fucking guy that does nothing and I love him so. I would kill and die for him. I feel this way about every single one of my blorbos. Like Bob. He's here for one episode. That's it. I mean it's the latest ep but none of the other villains stayed. As soon as I get my grubby little autism-festered brain on him he's this transgender angst machine. This man has had every bad thing that could happen to a person happen. HE IS A FUCKING FICTIONAL SERIAL CANNIBAL FROM A CARTOON BY THIS RANDOM MEXICAN DUDE. WHY IS HE MY ENTIRE LIFE????

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

THE TRAUMA TRIO'S HEIGHTS BECAUSE I CAN

Frank Hallow {I made him a last name don't ask}| The Candy Dealer: 7''11'

Richard "Rick" HEDONY{Fuck everyone except @zombiedeers. They're fren now}: 7''7'

Robert "Bob" Velseb |The Devil: 6''10'

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

lmao another random headcanon

Okay so, Bob can shapeshift but with a twist. He can only shapeshift into things that have something to do with decomposition, is parasitic, poisonous, eats carrion, are invasive, Or is just a shat-on animal in general. Vulture Bob, Possum Bob, Raccoon Bob, MOSQUITO BOB, FLY BOB, MAGGOT BOB, SPIDER BOB, SALAMANDER BOB, MOTH BOB, LIONFISH BOB, EVEN MOTHERFUCKING BAT BOB. Also, he can only adapt the creature's features, he cannot entirely turn into the Animal | Insect | Fungi.

Like this:

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

lmao random headcanon

Bob cannot eat veggies without meat or his stomach acts like he ate five tons of Burrito Bell. I say Burrito Bell with throwing up uncontrollably in mind. This man is vomiting stomach acid because he ate a single basil leaf without a four-course meal of various types of meat. And the sad fact is that he LOVES fruit. Pretty much a lactose-intolerant person devouring cheese like there's no tomorrow.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Is it bad that I feel like Bob's singing voice would sound almost exactly like Autoheart's? I just listened to Agoraphobia the other day and could not make myself think of any other character. But Kitchen Fork {By Jack Conte} and Under My Skin {By Jukebox the Ghost} have more of his vibe y'know? An Autoheart cover of Kitchen Fork would scream ROBERT VELSEB so loudly the AMV in my head might have a frame drawn out for once.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Stage 5: Acceptance

Rick has a list of Bob's seemingly random mannerisms so he could help him during his nonverbal days.

So far he has collected this much data:

Sniff + Gentle Shake of the head: Calm no, Maybe.

Huff + Normal shake of the head: No

Stare Down | Trying not to blink: I do not feel safe and I am uncomfortable, Stop, I am scared.

Slow Blink: I feel safe and comfortable, Continue.

High-Pitched Whine + Furrowed Brows + Rapid Nodding: I want to be alone, I do not feel well.

Low Whine + China Cat Wave | Knocking: I am scared, Leave Immediately.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

I can't fucking stop help

Bob is an Asian Latino that was raised in Texas. He straightens his hair and puts on that Halloween vampire oil makeup to hide his vitiligo btw because none of my blorbos are white for some reason. Kill me.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

I love how QuittingCandyCannibal is literally the only ship of mine where the characters don't have the Opposites Attract Trope or have more than two things in common. They're all switches {Rick and Frank top mostly but aren't opposed to getting that strap-on out[Bob's trans btw]}. They're all tall af {Frank: 7'11 Rick: 7'6 Bob: 6'10} And they are all non-human. It's amazing. They also have mullets. Also Yellow really is Rick's colour even though nobody has ever drawn him in it and he would look great in a turtleneck. Primary colours. Would look great in a bigass turtleneck. Tall. Bisexual. Switch. Compatible base shapes. Yeah, they're poly. This is how I decide btw.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Guys, I love how we all came to terms with the idea that Bob was muzzled like a dog because we didn't want him to bite anybody. I mean that's literally why we have human muzzles and it was the most reasonable thing to do, but I'm glad I can scroll the Bob Velseb tag and see him in a muzzle at least twice.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Frank had a monsterfucker mom, and Bob had a monsterfucker dad. Rick had a mosterfucker Parent™️. Bob's mom is a literal sin/demon overlord *Cough cough* Beezlebub *Cough cough* and now he's this Half-Human-Half-Fly | Moth {hehe Floth} and is in love with a Half-Human-Half-Forest Eldritch and a Half-Human-Half-Seraphim or some shit. They kiss.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

What do these flags have in common?

Yes they're all pride, but they're also

BOB'S FLAGS!! HE HAS NO DICK OR BALLS, HE WILL GIVE THE LIGHT-SKIN-STARE TO LITERALLY ANYONE, AND HE HAS TWO MEN IN THE BED.