#couldnt write aki without it

[hecksupremechips]

Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of

[notiddygxthgf]

2. Dance With Me

★ pairings: aki hayakawa x fem reader

★ ❝ Jealous? ❞ ❝ Maybe I am. ❞

★ c.w.: suggestive themes, drinking (more content warnings and tags)

★ a/n: ik i said id have an uploading schedule but UGH I JUST COULDNT LEAVE THIS OFF WITHOUT AN AKI/READER INTERACTION. this chapter is so deliciously tense im ngl i was ripping my shirt off like a werewolf god i love writing aki. anyway comment! like! interact w me and the story, it might encourage me to write more for u pookies ;)

★ w.c.;6.2k

shameless ; chapter index

THE PARTY WAS ALREADY in full swing by the time you arrived, the soft hum of conversation and the clinking of glasses filling the elegant hall. The Public Safety event was more formal than you had expected, with everyone dressed in sleek, sophisticated attire. You smoothed down the black slip dress you had picked up from the mall a few hours before.

Your friend was easy to spot, already a bit tipsy in a black dress shirt and slacks, her laughter echoing above the crowd. She waved you over to the bar, her eyes bright with excitement. As you approached, you noticed a familiar blonde sitting next to him. 

A man with a scar on his face. Kishibe.

That bastard.

"You made it!" Himeno exclaimed, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you into a half-hug. "I was starting to think you bailed on me."

"I came for the drinks," you teased with a smile, glancing around the room. "Looks like everyone from Public Safety is here."

"Yeah, it's quite the turnout," Himeno said, taking another sip of her drink. "Come on, let me get you something. What'll it be?"

"Just a glass of wine, thanks," you said, leaning against the bar as Himeno signaled the bartender. You scanned the room, noting the familiar faces of colleagues and higher-ups mingling together, their expressions ranging from relaxed to intensely focused, depending on their conversations.

And then there he was again – over at the other side of the room, chatting it up with a younger-looking guy with orange hair. Your apparent favorite Devil Hunter, clad in a Public Safety suit and slacks. He looked just about as thrilled to be here as you were, eyes dim and uninterested in whatever it was that the other boy was saying. His arms were folded behind his back.

He looked... rather dashing. You could see why Himeno had her eyes on him.

Quickly, you averted your eyes, turning your attention to your old coworker. "Kishibe," You put on your best smile. "How have you been?"

He grinned – it was a little unnerving, as on the rare occasion Kishibe did smile, it usually wasn't a good thing. "Good, kid. You been staying alive?"

"Yeah, I've been living," you replied, accepting the glass of red wine Himeno handed you. There was a brief moment of silence, during which you took your first sip of the crimson liquid in your glass – tart. 

"I fuckin' hate this song," Yoshida said, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He propped his chin up on his hand, eyes flitting over to Himeno. "Wanna dance?"

A few Devil Hunters had already found their way to the dance floor, swaying to the beat of the music. Himeno eyed them up precariously. 

"I was gonna wait for Aki to get over here. See if I could get him out there with me," She sighed. The orange cocktail pinched between her fingers swished around as she slid the glass back and forth. "Maybe she'll dance with 'ya?"

"Pass. I just got here," you said, taking a sip of your wine. The rich, fruity flavor was a pleasant distraction from the icky feeling in your gut – the one that had begun to brew when you saw him standing over there.

Himeno smiled, "Here he comes now."

You followed her gaze. Aki had long since left his friend at the edge of the dancefloor, and was now making his way over to the bar with that unreadable, solemn expression he always seemed to have. He was walking your way.

No. Himeno. He was walking towards her, you reminded yourself.

It didn't feel that way, though. Not when he was looking right at you.

Shit. He is walking towards me. You grabbed Kishibe by the sleeve. Suddenly, a dance seemed like a great idea. "You know what? Let's go!"

Kishibe whisked you away from the bar, his grip firm yet gentle. You glanced back at the scene you had left behind. Himeno smiled at Aki, but his eyes seemed to be tailing you.

"Didn't peg you for a dancer," you teased, trying to push thoughts of Aki from your mind as Kishibe led you into the rhythm of the song – and really, it was a terrible song. Some sappy love song from the 80s.

Kishibe smirked, a rare expression on his usually stoic face. "There's a lot you don't know about me," he replied, his voice low. The light seemed to reflect off of his face in such a way that he looked more tired than usual – the years had clearly taken their toll on him.

"Oh, do tell," you shot back, raising an eyebrow.

He chuckled, his grip on your hand tightening slightly as he twirled you around. "Let's just say I've picked up a few things over the years."

"Color me impressed," You retorted. It was easy to forget the tension when you were laughing, even if it was just for a moment.

"You're not bad yourself," Kishibe admitted, guiding you through the steps with surprising grace.

"Years of practice," you replied with a smile. "Mind your feet around me, though."

Despite the lively atmosphere, you couldn't shake the sensation of Aki's gaze lingering on you. Every spin, every step, you felt it—a tangible thread of tension that kept drawing you back to the bar, to him. Kishibe's presence was a welcome distraction, his steady demeanor and occasional wry comments grounding you, but even then, your thoughts kept drifting back to him.

Before you knew it, the song had ended. You laughed, carefree, light, free, and clapped Kishibe on the shoulder.

"That wasn't so bad, actually," You admitted.

"Thanks for dancin' with me," Kishibe chuckled before straightening up and heading off toward the restrooms. "I'm going to take a leak."

And then he was moving away, moving towards the entrance at the front of the room.

You turned back toward the bar, your eyes scanning the crowd until they found Hayakawa. He hadn't moved, much to your chagrin. He was still there, his eyes fixed on you. The sight of him sent a jolt of anticipation through you, a mix of curiosity and something deeper, something you weren't quite ready to acknowledge. More importantly, Himeno wasn't there.

Making your way back to the bar, you couldn't help but feel the weight of his gaze intensify with each step. The distance between you seemed to shrink, the room around you fading into the background. As you approached, you braced yourself, your heart pounding in your chest.

You had his attention and he most certainly had yours.

You took a seat next to him at the bar. Though, honestly, it wasn't really next to him – you had been sure to allow one empty seat between the both of you. You told yourself it was so that Himeno would have somewhere to sit (next to her eye candy). A more dishonorable part of you felt as if that one empty seat would act as a barrier of sorts, a wall between you and him, between your thoughts and the man who seemed to occupy them.

Out of the corner of your eye, you watched him tug back his sleeve, glancing down at a watch. Was he waiting for Himeno?

"Where'd she run off to?" You asked, finally breaking the agonizing silence between the two of you.

He turned to you with an unreadable expression, brows furrowed. "Who?"

Who? Is this guy serious? You thought, but chose not to voice said thoughts.

"Himeno," You clarified. 

"Oh," He answered, "The bathroom, I think."

A man of many words.

You cleared your throat, glancing down at your lap for a brief moment before making eye contact with him again – a task that proved to be far more difficult than it would have seemed. "Lieutenant Captain Hayakawa, right?" When he nodded, you extended your hand towards him, introducing yourself by name once more.

"Yes, from the Kyoto sector. I remember you," He deadpanned, as if that much should have been obvious. Clearly, he hadn't forgotten your meeting on the train, and had no interest in pretending as if this was the first time the two of you had ever laid eyes upon one another. "We met on the train. What are you doing here?"

"If you're talking about Tokyo, then I was called in by Makima for backup," You sighed. Absentmindedly, you drummed your fingers against the bar countertop. There was only you, Aki, the bartender, and the other four patrons of said bar there. "If you're talking about here– this party, then I only came because Himeno invited me. The open bar's a plus, too."

"She invited me, too," He replied. He didn't sound too happy that such had occurred.

I know.

You chuckled, "Not a big party guy?"

"Definitely not," He agreed. "You?"

"I used to be, once upon a time," You smiled. "I think it was the drinks that used to liven me up, though. I don't remember parties always being so..." You trailed off, moving your hands as if you were trying to find the right words to say.

"Disappointing?" He finished for you.

"Yeah," You felt yourself laugh a little. "I guess. I feel like they can be overwhelming, sometimes. I'm too sober to party these days."

"Couldn't agree more," He sighed. The bartender – from whom, apparently, the man had already ordered a something-and-coke – placed a glass full of dark brown liquid in front of him. "Can I get you something to drink? We can fix that problem."

You waved him off – how would it look, after all, if you were seen getting drunk on another man's dime when you had a husband waiting for you at home? "Don't spend your money on me, I probably won't be here long."

"What's your vice?" He asked, eyes glinting with something you couldn't place. "Beer? Liquor? Dark or Light?"

You couldn't fight the toothy grin that crawled over your lips, "Wine, if you must know."

"What kind?" He asked.

"Red."

Without wasting another moment, he asked the blond bartender for a glass of Merlot. He uncapped a bottle of red wine. He poured you half of a glass, placing it in front of your trembling hands.

You turned to the young Captain, brow quirked, gripping the stem of the red liquid. 

"You tried it before?" He asked. When you nodded, he continued, a peculiar tone following his words, "I've heard it's pretty tasty."

Tasty. God.

Married woman! Remind him. 

"I have it at dinner with my husband sometimes," You answered easily, taking a calm, calculated sip of the wine. Good,you thought. Mention your husband. That should make him back off. "Pairs well with steak."

"Is he here with you tonight?" He asked.

You felt your eyes widen. "No, he's in Kyoto..." you muttered, taking a few more much-needed chugs of the wine.

He hummed. If he thought something about that, he didn't say anything. "The wine matches your lipstick."

He's looking at my lips.

The empty seat between the two of you felt a little smaller – like his buttery-smooth voice was drawing you in, enticing you to tell him things you knew you shouldn't say. Before you could open your mouth to tell him something along the lines of, "I really should get going now. Bye!", you were interrupted by the one person you really didn't want to see after making goo-goo eyes at Captain Hayakawa.

"Hiya," Himeno greeted the two of you, plopping down on the stool between you and Hayakawa. "What are we talking about over here?"

Hayakawa answered smoothly as the words died on your lips, eyes never once leaving your face. "We were just bonding over a mutual distaste for parties."

She rolled her eyes, throwing an arm around you, "Don't worry. She'll liven up as soon as she gets a few drinks in her system. She used to be the life of the party."

"That's an exaggeration," You shook your head.

"Hardly," She retorted. "Back in the day, she could outdrink anyone, including me."

You took a few more sips of your wine.

Hayakawa pulled his drink up to his mouth, "I find that hard to believe."

"I'm being serious," She reaffirmed. She was about to say something else when a hand on her shoulder interrupted her – it belonged to an older looking man in a black tuxedo. Her eyes widened with recognition.

"Can I steal you away for a moment?" He asked her, voice gruff.

"Of course!" She smiled, bright as always. She turned to you apologetically before rising from her seat,  "Sorry, I'll be back later."

Then it was just the two of you again – you and Hayakawa, whose gaze was so heavy that you felt as if you were suffocating beneath it.

"Can you really outdrink her?" He asked. "She's got a liver of steel."

"Damn right she does!" You laughed – really laughed, this time. "Seven-eight years ago? Yes. Now, I'm not so sure."

Something in his gaze shifted at the sound of it. He leaned closer, inching towards the empty seat, the unspoken line between you and him. "Finish up your wine, then. Let's test that theory."

"Is that a challenge?" You asked him.

"Maybe," Hayakawa said, a faint smirk playing on his lips. The tension between you was thick, almost electric. "What if I don't believe you?"

"I don't know," you hesitated, glancing at your nearly empty wine glass. "I probably should head home soon."

"We'll be fast," he assured, his eyes locked on yours.

"I don't know about that," you replied, looking in the direction Himeno had gone. "Himeno can talk for a while. God knows when she'll be back."

"Forget about her, then," he said, his voice low and smooth, bringing you back to the present – where it was just you and him, only a foot apart, speaking quietly. "Drink with me."

His boldness made your heart flutter. "Right now?" you asked, trying to steady your voice.

"Yes," he said, leaning closer, the smirk still lingering. "Unless you're forfeiting the match?"

He had you there. You couldn't back down from a challenge, not when he was looking at you like... that. 

What would your husband think? A part of you resented him just a little bit for taking you away from that lifestyle, from this, but you were still married. You had to do right by him.

Still, it wasn't like you were actively doing anything wrong. It was just a drink. 

So, deciding to follow through on your mission to 'loosen up a little', you downed the rest of your wine. "Alright," You sighed. "But we're taking tequila shots. I want this to be quick."

"Fine," he agreed, his smirk widening.

You called the blond bartender over again and asked for six shots of tequila. He set down six small glasses, pouring a shot of clear liquid into each of them. He garnished each of the six glasses with a lime wedge. 

You leaned over the empty seat, sliding three of the glasses over to him.

"Here's how I used to do them," you said, placing salt on the back of your hand. "You lick it," you instructed, holding your hand out to him. "And then you take the shot, then suck on the lime."

He hesitated for a moment before leaning in, his tongue flicking out to taste the salt on your skin. The muscle was hot and wet, drawing a line from your knuckles to your wrist. Perhaps it was the warmth of his mouth on your hand, or the way he peered up at you through his half-lidded eyes and lowered lashes so shamelessly. Perhaps it was the wine in your system doing its work already. Either way, you couldn't help the heat that spread over your neck and your face – the stir in your chest that you tried to ignore.

It's just a shot. You quickly salted your own hand and licked it, trying to focus. You clinked glasses with him, and together you downed the shots, immediately sucking on the lime wedges.

Both of you winced at the strong taste, but you couldn't help but laugh at the face he made. You could feel the warmth of the alcohol spreading through you immediately. It could have been that, or the way he was looking at you with those pretty blue eyes of his, but you felt different.

"Not so tough now, huh?" You teased.

He licked the remnants of the lime juice off of his lips.

Oh. Oh. He's dangerous.

"Don't be so sure of yourself. Only one shot down," He replied, reaching for the second shot already. "Two more to go, right?"

This time, when you clinked your glass against his, it felt an awful lot like you were sealing your fate. You tilted your head back, and then the tequila burned its way down your throat – searing hot, like his mouth had felt against the back of your hand, like his eyes had felt on your red-tinted lips. .

The next shots flew by in a blur of laughter. By the time you took your fifth, it was clear that you couldn't hold your liquor as well as you used to. The room felt warmer, the lights a little brighter, and your inhibitions significantly lower. Dangerously lower.

Somewhere along the way, he crossed the unspoken line and moved a seat closer to you. Somewhere along the way, you put your hand on his knee, hunched over, shoulders shaking with laughter – and still, no sign of Himeno.

"That's ridiculous," You said. "All of that for some sliced bread?"

"12 different kinds of jam. Wasted." Hayakawa deadpanned. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, he's fucking ridiculous."

"That's not so bad," You added. (Trying to play the devil's advocate, as always), "Did he clean up after himself, at least?"

"Denji's not so bad with that. Took the fucker long enough," Hayakawa commented. He moved his straw to the side, taking a sip of what was left of his drink (which you had learned was a whiskey and coke after he'd offered you a sip), "The other one..." He added, pausing to frown. "I don't even wanna think about it. It'll ruin my mood, and I only just started to enjoy myself."

Your drunken laughter could have been heard from the fucking moon. "Don't say that. You've been here longer than I have."

He knit his brows together, "Been bored out of my mind all night, until you came around."

Had the world always been so blurry around the edges? "Why's that?" You asked. "You could've gone out on the dancefloor, or something. You only live once."

You really wished you could be sober again – only because it meant that your verbal filter would return, and you would stop being a blubbering idiot.

"Didn't feel like dancing," He replied.

You patted his leg, giggling sarcastically, "Why not?"

"Because," He said, "You were dancing with someone else."

Your face was alight, on fire – you blamed it on the booze. 

"Jealous?" You asked, only partially joking.

You should have known better. You should have stopped drinking about thirty minutes ago. No, better yet; you should have walked away the moment he offered to buy you a drink. You should have done the right thing from the start – turn away from the captivating Devil Hunter and his soft lips against your hand, the desire in his eyes – but you didn't.

"Maybe I am," He replied, voice deep and velvety and – fuck . "You seemed like a good dancer earlier tonight. It's a crime, wasting skills like that on a man like Kishibe."

"So, what, you're saying you wouldn't dance with Himeno but you'd dance with me?" You asked.

"Yeah," He answered with a great deal of certainty. "I guess that's exactly what I'm saying."

You blinked, momentarily taken aback. The man before you was a far cry from the stoic Captain you met on the train. This version of Hayakawa was carefree, almost boyish, and undeniably charming (and drunk).

Still, you were undeniably married, and people talked.

"I'm married, Hayakawa," you hesitated, glancing around. "I shouldn't even be drinking with you right now."

He pouted, a surprisingly endearing expression on his usually composed face. "Dance with me."

"Is that the captain's orders?" You asked with the slightest, breathiest chuckle, the slightest roll of your eyes.

"If that'll make you dance with me, then, yes," He replied, much to your surprise. "Captain's orders."

"Aren't you, like, 20?" You asked. "A little young to be so cocky, don't you think?"

"I'm your superior," He shrugged. 

"I'm not used to being spoken to like that by a man I met once on the train," You retorted. "You may be my superior, but I'm older than you. Have some respect."

He leaned a little closer to you. "If I'm not dancing with you, then I'm getting out of here and going home."

You raised an eyebrow. Wow.

You shouldn't. You really, really shouldn't.

Against your better judgment, you sighed, "You better not step on my toes."

"Never," he grinned. "Lead the way."

Despite yourself, you couldn't help but smile. The combination of his charm and the alcohol had eroded your resistance. You took his hand, feeling the warmth of his skin against yours, the contact sending a jolt through you. It was something you hadn't felt in a long time.

You led him to the dance floor.

The music was lively, and the atmosphere was buzzing with energy. You guided him through the steps, your bodies moving in sync. He stumbled a bit at first, but his determination to learn was endearing.

"It's a simple two-step," You told him. Tapping his shoe with the toe of your heel, you replicated the movement for him. "Like this, see? One, two – Left, right."

Hesitantly, he followed your rhythm, swaying to the left, then the right. He tripped over himself the second time around, muttering, "Shit, sorry."

Laughter bubbled up between the two of you as he tried to follow your lead. He was surprisingly light on his feet, and his genuine effort made the experience enjoyable. There was a sense of camaraderie, a shared moment that felt almost... intimate.

The ghost of his touch down the open back of your dress, your spine, over your waist nearly made you gasp. 

His words were a low whisper against the shell of your ear, "Is it okay if I hold you here?"

His hands rested on your waist, firm yet gentle, as he tried to mimic your movements. Every brush of his fingers against your skin gave you chills. The closeness was intoxicating, each movement drawing you nearer to him.

Fucking hell. He was going to be the death of you. It was a big mistake – this whole thing was. You and liquor didn't mix well. Combine that with a devilishly handsome Captain, and...

You could do nothing but nod.

"There you go, you've got it," you said, your voice breathy from the exertion and the intoxicating proximity – his cologne, the scent of him, it was all intoxicating, as matter of fact. "Left, then right, then left. Just like that."

As the song continued, the space between you seemed to shrink even further. You could feel the heat of his body, his breath mingling with yours. Your heart was racing a mile a minute – or was that your head spinning? You couldn't tell.

"Are you having fun?" he asked, his voice low.

"Maybe a little," you admitted, your eyes locking with his.

And there it was again. That invisible magnet that always seemed to pull the two of you together. For a moment, he made it easy to forget about your morals and obligations. It was just you and him and only a few inches of space between your body and his much larger one. 

His hands slid up your sides, settling just below your ribcage. Your breath hitched as he leaned in, his lips brushing against your ear. "Me too."

You were gonna pass out. You were gonna pass out and explode all over the dance floor, and he would have to scrape your remains off the floor.

You swallowed hard, trying to maintain some semblance of composure. 

You tried to lose yourself in the music, focusing on the lively beat and the sensation of Hayakawa's hands guiding you. The rhythm pulsed through your body, each beat a lifeline in the chaotic sea of your emotions. You forced a smile, trying to appear as if you were in the moment with him, but it didn't work. The guilt gnawed at you, every pulse of the music reminding you of the boundary you were too close to crossing.

"I–" you began, your voice barely audible over the music – which wasn't actually all that loud, but sounded like a blaring roar in your mind.

Whatever you were going to say effectively died in your mouth the moment you looked up at him. Those pretty baby blues of his, his plump lips wrapped around something you didn't quite hear.

Every time you closed your eyes, flashes of your husband's face invaded your thoughts. His smile, the way he looked, the quiet moments you shared in the comfort of your home. Each memory was a sharp pang of guilt that contrasted painfully with the thrill you felt in Hayakawa's arms. 

You felt the warmth of Hayakawa's hand on your back, guiding you effortlessly across the dance floor, away from the memories. 

"Hey," He said, "You look a little faint."

You forced a laugh, trying to mask the turmoil inside you. "It's a little hot in here, isn't it?" 

Ignoring the guilt became increasingly difficult as his hand slid up your arm, sending an electric shiver down your spine. The touch was both thrilling and terrifying. You felt like you were standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering dangerously close to falling. His fingers left a trail of fire on your skin, each touch a reminder of how far you were straying from the person you believed yourself to be.

"Is everything okay?" Hayakawa asked, concern flickering in his eyes. "You seem a little distracted."

You nodded quickly, trying to steady your breathing. "I'm fine," you lied. "Hayakawa, look, I–"

His gaze softened, his thumb brushing gently, almost unnoticeably over the back of your hand. "Aki," he said, his voice sincere. "Call me Aki."

You knew you were drunk, too drunk to be making any rational decisions. You should go home, you told yourself, but his eyes held you captive. Deep and intense, they seemed to see right through you, igniting something inside you that you hadn't felt in a long time. The pull was irresistible, and you found yourself leaning into him, your body betraying your mind.

You hadn't been touched this way – so intimately, yet so respectfully – in years.

"Aki," you breathed, practically reeling in the way the syllables felt as they slipped off your lips – utterly taboo, two sinful tricks of the tongue. "I don't think," You swallowed the guilt down, "We shouldn't be doing this."

Aki's smile was faint, almost altogether absent. "We shouldn't," he said, his voice filled with a determination that made your heart skip a beat, "Do you want me to stop?"

You looked away, trying to regain control. The room spun slightly, the alcohol clouding your senses. You must have drunk too much. Trying to steady yourself, you scanned the room, and then you saw her. 

Himeno stood at the edge of the dance floor. Her cocktail was clenched in her hand, her eyes filled with sadness and betrayal. The sight of her hit you like a punch to the fucking gut – how must this whole thing have looked from her perspective? The image of the man she'd been trying to get with for a year swaying side to side with you, faces only inches apart, dancing around the elephant in the room.

Oh my god. What have I done?

The guilt surged forward, stronger than before. How could you have let it go this far? 

You felt suddenly sick, the weight of your mistake crashing down on you like a fucking anvil. 

This needs to stop, you thought, panic rising in your chest. I'm making a huge mistake. Snap out of it.

You pushed Aki away, your movements abrupt and forceful. His eyes widened in surprise and confusion, a hurt look crossing his face. He opened his mouth to speak, you spoke first – you knew that if you let him utter another peep, he would convince you to stay.

"I feel sick. Excuse me," you blurted out, your voice trembling.

Then, like the coward you were, you turned and fled, your steps unsteady as you wove drunkenly through the crowd. 

The pounding music and the murmur of conversations faded into the background, the room spun around you as you hurried toward the exit, Your mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. 

I have to leave. Oh my god. I've ruined everything. I have to leave.

Bursting through the door into the lobby you took a deep breath, hoping it would calm the storm inside you. A little calmer now that you had escaped the scene, you marched towards the entrance. You didn't know where you'd left your jacket and, to be frank, you didn't care.

The first gust of wind against your hot face felt like heaven. The night was quiet, save for the quiet traffic noises only a few yards away.

I need to call a taxi.

You knew you had narrowly avoided a disaster, but the guilt and confusion remained, gnawing at you. What had you been thinking? How had you let yourself get so carried away? 

Practically running into the road, you waved your hand around, calling, "Taxi!"

Out of the four or five cabs in the road, of course, nobody stopped. Just when you thought your luck was going to change, the taxi you had originally thought to be headed towards you drove right on past your waving arms.

You huffed out a frustrated sigh, kicking your heels into the gravel. The quiet sounds of the nocturnal city of Tokyo accompanied your misery. I fucked up.

A call of your name a few feet behind you made your stomach do a backflip. Fuck.

You ignored him, wrapping your arms around yourself, rubbing your hands over your skin to soothe the goosebumps all over it. You walked further away from him, to the other side of the curb. 

And, of course, your efforts were entirely in vain. You could hear the dreaded footsteps as they slowed to a stop behind you, then feel the gentle weight of a heavy fabric over your shoulders – a black suit jacket. The notes of his cologne that lingered on the fabric surrounded you – comforted you, blanketed you.

"You're gonna catch a cold out here like that," Aki spoke finally, breaking the silence. His voice was so deep, so melodic, that you almost wished he hadn't. 

"Why are you here?" You asked rather harshly. Your tone was cold, biting, something that seemed a little out of character for you, considering that you were just swaying with him on the dance floor a moment or two ago. "Are you leaving?"

"I should be the one asking you that," He sighed. 

You swallowed, finally turning around to face him head on. He looked desperate, bangs frizzy and hair a little messy, donning a loosened tie around the collar of his partially unbuttoned white shirt. He was so fucking gorgeous that it physically hurt to be this close to him, to have him leaning over to get his face close to yours, his jacket draped over your cold shoulders. 

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I overstepped," He added. "It wasn't my intention to make you feel uncomfortabl–"

"Stop, just–" You interrupted him. You sounded a little breathless when you said it. "Stop it. Go back inside. Go–" You swallowed, voice trembling only slightly as you finished, "Go back to Himeno."

Although fairly uncertain as to why, you knew you were acting unwise. What was your fucking problem tonight?

His eyes were unwavering pools of passion – ocean waves crashing against the sandy color of his skin, luring you deeper into the abyss. He lifted a perfectly arched brow, uttering innocently, "Why? I want to be where you are."

"Stop it," You hissed. Any minute now someone would step outside for a cigarette and see this whole thing going down. They would hear everything he was saying to you, and with your luck, it would be Himeno. You didn't need to act a fool in front of anyone else tonight.

You finished, "If you're a good man, you'll forget about this whole– this whole thing and just– leave me be." 

Correction. Apparently, Aki was an exception to your previous statement about not acting a fool.

Finally, finally, a cab pulled up to the curb. In fact, it just might have been the first good thing to happen to you that entire evening. You waved it down frantically, rejoicing internally when it didn't drive away. 

A hand on your shoulder physically stopped you from bolting into the cab the way you wished to, "I can't do that."

Desperate to get it through his thick skull, you clipped back, "I'm married!" 

He took a step towards you. You inched backwards.. 

"You weren't acting like it," He retorted. "I can't forget about tonight. I know you felt it, too–"

"Enough!" You finally snapped – you weren't fully aware of how loud you had shouted that word until he looked at you with wide, hurt eyes. With a sigh, you went for the cab door, finishing the conversation without so much as turning around, "Goodnight, Captain Hayakawa."

He's still your superior. Be polite.

You got into the cab and practically slammed the door shut behind you. Adjusting yourself and buckling in, you told the driver, "Hilton Shinjuku, please."

The moustached man hummed, "Of course." The distinct sound of a phone ringing broke into the atmosphere, and he quickly excused himself before taking the call. 

You sighed, laying your head back against the headrest. Fuck. 

Being alone with your thoughts was bad enough, but adding alcohol into the mixture proved to make not flipping the hell out even more difficult. You had fucked up real bad – you couldn't even think straight, let alone think about what consequences awaited you after you sobered up. What would Himeno think of you? What would your husband think of you? Fuck.

Absentmindedly, you toyed with the fabric draped over your shoulders. Wait– Did I forget to give him his fucking jacket back?

The cab driver flipped his phone shut before driving off. "Sorry, for the wait, Ma'am."

The day couldn't have gotten any worse if it tried.

"Shit," You hissed quietly, moreso to yourself than anyone in particular. 

As you flopped back against the backseat of the cab, your fingers brushed up against something in the pocket of his jacket. It felt like a little gum wrapper – a paper sheet, or something like that. Against your better judgment, you pulled it out and unfolded whatever the object was. 

A small paper slip sat in the palm of your hand. One that had a phone number on it.

You looked down at the slip, noticing his handwriting—strong, confident strokes. You rubbed your thumb over the ink, tracing the numbers absentmindedly. 

Fuck, that was smooth. You couldn't help but feel a pang of something—admiration? Attraction? Annoyance?—as you thought about how effortlessly he had slipped the note into his jacket pocket, of all things. What am I supposed to do now?

Throw it out. Burn it. Anything but call it, for certain, you thought.

Still, you couldn't help but cast a subconscious glance out the rear window to where he had been standing – where you knew he probably was still standing.

And, sure as rain, there he was, standing six-foot-something on the edge of the sidewalk, gaze chasing the back of your cab. You could feel the heat of him even after the driver pulled out. You watched as he pulled out a cigarette, lighting it with a practiced flick. The flame briefly illuminated his face, highlighting the intensity in his eyes as he took a drag and exhaled slowly, the smoke swirling around him in the cool night air.

He watched you drive off into the night. You watched him watch you until he disappeared behind the sea of cabs and cars that dotted the streets of Tokyo. Then, once you were absolutely sure that he was out of sight, you sank back into the seat, releasing a breath you didn't know you'd been holding in.

A soft chuckle escaped the cab driver, who caught your eye in the rearview mirror. "Rough night?"

You nodded sadly, pressing your cheek against the icy cold window, "You have no idea."

a/n: kekeke MUAHAHAHAAA!! ugh i love him sm. lmk what you all thought!! love u bunches

credits: UNKOWN ATM. I found the cover pic on pinterest unfortch. If you know the artist, please let me know, so I can credit them properly for their work!!! This is NOT MY BEAUTIFUL DRAWINGGG. I obviously do not own csm or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

also: come find me on my wattpad if u wanna interact more!

taglist: @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505 , @acethebrave , @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505

wanna join the taglist? | shameless ; chapter index

[belligerentbaddie]

Ik people dont fw that “power and denji wrote hayakawa as their last name” edit/headcanon but i Cant stop picturing denji and power filling out some random paperwork, being super loud and irritating to aki as hes waiting for them to finish and they start complaining about what to put under family name. They goof off before power announces she’ll just write hayakawa which bothers Aki for a second. Only a second. Denji is about to protest before Aki cuts in saying

“It’s fine. You guys can use it if it makes u finish faster, hurry”

But in reality, he couldnt care less about when they finish now. Rather,

Hes just excited for them to turn it in

Time after their deaths, when the mysterious nayuta comes to be and becomes (part of) Denji’s life, like his little sister in their old shared apartment, he walks with her to school one day. before leaving, administration catches up and says they need to correct paperwork that Public Safety sent in. He groans and tells them thats not his job, he’s the last person they should be making do this but hes looking over it anyway. Thankfully its not too complicated, but he sees the red underline underneath the empty box next to Nayuta’s name, a blank space reading above it “family name”. Denji is about to ask what he should put there, but its only for a second until he knows his answer.

Without much else thought, he writes in Hayakawa.

[luvulyy]

Feel free to reject this but what about Aki with a male reader who acts like Megumi? Again feel free to reject this, I don’t want to push you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing.

𝐈𝐂𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃. ✷

𝖠𝖪𝖨 𝖧𝖠𝖸𝖠𝖪𝖠𝖶𝖠 𝖷 𝖬𝖠𝖫𝖤 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: 𝐒𝐌𝐎𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆, 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 & 𝐈𝐍𝐉𝐔𝐑𝐘

𝗔𝗨𝗧𝗛𝗢𝗥'𝗦 𝗡𝗢𝗧𝗘: putting these two favs together was wild. hope the megumi-ish came though, i tried ! <3

Aki didn't understand you.

He admired you, respected your dedication to your work and efficiency getting jobs down. After enough mandatory meetings he began to gather a sense of who you were. You made no effort to talk to him, and vice versa. Still, as he finally learnt your name you shouldn't have been anything special, just another blank face in the corridors.

Keyword, should.

It was your personality that made his thoughts always circle back to you.

There was some thing about your gaze that was different. You always stood to the side, watching and the last one to speak. But when you did it always enraptured his attention. Your natural lack of expression did nothing to hide your intellect, your abilty to analyse and calculate.

He almost lept out of his skin the first time you joined him smoking. You lazily hung a cigarette between your teeth as you stepped up to join him on the balcony, and he instinctively lit it for you. It was a comforting moment. Just the two of you and the scent of mingling smoke, silent and gazing over the moonlit city.

He didn't miss the glimpse of your box of cigs, the same MEVIUS resting in his pocket. It was oddly annoying, that you'd have the same taste.

You were cold yes, but endearing. His frown learning you were to be partnered up was far too forced for his liking.

It became quickly apparent how kind you were, to the right people. There was no hesitation towards those who stood against you, but you cared quietly for the that mattered in a way he felt he'd miss if he blinked. Despite your walls, it was like you had a heart of gold. So rare in this line of work, he almost wanted to protect it. Almost.

He'd lost count of the times a can of coffee had been wordlessly pressed into his hands on a late night, or bentos magically appearing on his desk when he'd be working so hard he'd forget to eat. It was like second nature to you, passing and lighting a cigarette for him whenever he got too lost in thought.

You payed far too much attention to small details like that, but Aki couldn't bring himself to feel anything but awe, unwavering gratitude for your silent actions.

Still, you were an enigma.

Aki wasn't the most public person but getting to know you was like pulling teeth. It was months as partners before he even learned you liked guys. Or how you put it, you prefered personality and those 'morally good. Aki wasn't sure if he qualified as that, driven solely by revenge, but your heavy implication came as a shock.

Not that he needed to know. Nor did the knowledge made his heart flutter. Liar.

He should've seen the signs - how he'd admire you for a second too long, smoke under the stars wishing you were there or feel an emptiness when you weren't at his side. Before he could help it, he'd fallen head over heels for you. Each accidentally touch or almost laughs warmed his veins like no one else.

The final straw was so mudane. You'd been out on patrol togther, when suddenly he felt you weren't at his side. It was concerning, how second nature knowing you were there had become. Panic rose in his throat as he looked around frantically, and froze.

He'd never questioned your abilty to summon animals in battle, clearly a result of your demon pact.

That didn't stop the sight in front of him melting any fragment of ice inside his chest. Clearly you'd seen a dog on the side of the street, and gone to greet it summoning your own. The view was mesmerising. Your laugh carried like music through the air to him, as you cooed and squeled as a mountain of fur licked and jumped on you. You were so at peace, so alive in that moment, Aki regretted never bringing you near animals sooner.

It was a purely lovable sight, and love it he did.

It was a undeniable realisation, a crescendo of every endearing detail about you. He liked you, needed you in his life. And was clueless on what to do about it. But before he had to, the universe acted for him.

It was supposed to be simple errand, after which you'd agreed to grab drinks with him. Aki tried to hide is excitement, ignoring the bounce in his step as you arrived at the scene. A quick collection and he was free to spend the evening with you. You'd even smiled when he asked you, a sight he'd only dreamed off. It was cruel, how rare he got to see how handsome it was.

Lost in thought, he couldn't even react.

Before either of you could move, there was a gunshot. Straight at Aki. You screamed. A hand grabbed his shoulder roughly and pulled but it wasn't quick enough - he felt fire explode in his side.

As he recoiled all he could think was how he'd never heard you so loud, so full of emotion. He hit the ground as his world tilted. There was nothing but pure rage dripping from your tongue as you tore into the culprit, roaring in Aki's direction. 'Stay awake, you idiot!'

Maybe it was the blood loss, but the sight of you fighting for him was breathtaking. He'd never seen you so enraged. You weaved around and battered the shooter with a hunger, vengence powering your fists. Your speed was inhumane, clearly spurred on by your partner by your feet. All the while, wearing a maniac grin.

If he wasn't in so much pain the sight would've made his stomach flip.

He couldn't tell how long the fight lasted, just watching your inhumane display. As quickly as it had begun, it was over.

As his vision started to fade Aki thought he could feel your hand on his cheek. It had to be his imagination, you'd never willingly touch him if you could help it. Scratch that you'd just saved his life. Just as his consciousness ebbed he could've swore he heard you curse 'If you die I swear I'll kill you myself.'

It was a full day later when he came to, bandaged up and disorientated. And the first thing he did was ask for you. Your display of raw emotion had sealed it, he had to tell you how he felt. Especially when you learned you were coming running.

When you came to visit him in the hospital, he confessed. A simple 'I like you.' He wanted to spill all his cliche thoughts, of wanting to cherish you while you both could, with how dangerous your line of work is.

But as soon as the words were out his mouth he trailed off.

Your entire face was flushed, heat spreading to the tips of your ears. The sight was the cutest thing Aki had ever seen, wishing he could capture image of how you pulled up your collar in an attempt to hide. To see you so shy in contrast of your usual stoic expression made him only fall for you more.

It only reaffirmed for Aki, you were the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

A hopeful grin spread across his face. He forgot how to breath as you moved closer. Your touch tickled his cheeks as he stared into your gorgeous eyes, framed by sinfully long lashes. In an instant, you were kissing him.

Lips met and time stilled. All that existed was his lips, and yours. You kissed back with a furiosity he hadn't expected. Overwhelming heat radiated from you but he still needed more.

Aki deepened the kiss, earning a surprised squeak from you but returning with just as much passion. It was intoxicating, the sensation of your lips.

Not long enough, you both pulled back to breath. He rested his forehead against yours, basking in your presence, and the still tingling feeling in his lips. He felt hazy, unable to believe this was real. He almost missed your whisper, so so glad he hadn't.

'Be my boyfriend?' You breathed, quiet but full of love. God, you were beautiful. And now his. He didn't hesitate to meet your lips again, showing his answer with a severity words wouldn't do justice. It was earth shattering, how quickly he grew used to your touch under his fingers, even as he sat in a hospital bed.

You were untouchable, a brief moment of solace in his storm of a life. And he swore to treasure every moment, every smile and kiss. Your personalities were so similar yet different, complimenting perfectly. On and off the battlefield, you were in sync.

And if the next time you were smoking, he leaned in to light your cigarette with his, there was no one to see how you both blushed.

𝗕𝗢𝗡𝗨𝗦 𝗥𝗔𝗠𝗕𝗟𝗘𝗦: once dating - he'd love how stoic you are, taking it as a challenge to break through and make you laugh or blush. he'd love cooking for you, always offering no matter how tired you both were & sticking to your preferences. he'd adore how relaxed your style was, easily cozing up to you in your loughwear & wrapping arms around your waist from behind and nuzzling into your large sweater. would also 100% ask you to summon your dogs just to see your mirth, and definitely not to cuddle into their fluff on the couch. would also always offer you the last cigarette in his packet, how romantic pfft

[windsweptlassie]

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners: 

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves: 

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love: 

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters: 

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose: 

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live.