#cy is gonna get this in her im with me because hello

[andfangs]

💖 | eduardo "lalo" salamanca (better call saul) for @babygirleduardo

[scarebats]

Top Gun and Top Gun: Maverick as Brooklyn Nine-Nine quotes

~

(Rooster after getting accused of something that went wrong at Ice and Mav’s wedding)

Rooster: Be very careful about throwing around accusations like that, because if you’re trying to say that I somehow ruined my dads’ wedding, then I am going to kill myself.

~

(Phoenix and Rooster fighting)

Phoenix: DO I LOOK LIKE JAKE TO YOU!?

Rooster: No, not at all!

Phoenix: THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SCREW ME!?

~

(Ice after getting yelled at)

Ice, talking about his shirt: It says, “what’s up beaches” instead of, “bitches,” for humour reasons.

Slider: But you hate humour!

Ice: Well im a joke now! So, it suits me.

~

Phoenix: You need to man up.

Rooster: Man up? sexist!

Rooster: I’m sorry, but i dont see gender, sir.

~

Maverick: Permission to take a selfie of the two of us, sir?

Cyclone: Permission denied.

Maverick, already taking the picture: Too late.

Maverick, looking at his phone and walking away: Ahhh, that was a good one.

~

Hangman: Did you finish your sentence? It felt like you were gonna say you were sorry.

Rooster: I did. Bob heard it.

Bob: Uh, I would remember if someone said my catchphrase.

~

Maverick: People fear me.

Maverick: Not brag, but I was name checked in my kindergarten teacher’s suicide note.

~

Maverick: I think I really would’ve gotten along with young Cy Simpson.

Cyclone: Yes, that’s why I decided to change everything about my life.

~

(Bradley after causing Mav and Ice to argue)

Bradley: Oh, I’ve caused a problem.

Bradley: I think I am… getting a text message.

Bradley: bloop

Bradley: Ah, there it is.

~

Phoenix: Wait, are you only hosting dinner so you can suck up to Mav and Admiral Kazansky? Not cool. This was supposed to be about friendship.

Rooster: You guys said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason that I was single or if it was my personality, “like you suspected.”

Hangman: Yeah, but that was before we knew we could get up on this high horse.

Phoenix: Love the view up here. Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.

~

Iceman: When people say, “good morning,” they mean, “hello.” When people say, “how are you?” They mean, “hello.”

Iceman: When people say “what’s up?”

Iceman: They mean, “I am not a person worth talking to.”

~

Slider, talking to Maverick: No hard feelings, but,

Slider: I hate you.

Slider: Not joking.

Slider: Bye!

~

Halo, leaving Top Gun base and taking her hair out: sighs

Fritz: That was a wig?

Halo: You didn’t think I’d put my actual hair in a bun?

Halo: Are you insane?

~

(before Bradley was born)

Goose: What if something happens to Mav and he never gets to meet my baby?

Goose: I don’t wanna hang out with some stupid baby who’s never met Mav.

~

(before the mission)

Hangman: If you wanna worry about anyone panicking in the sky it should Bob.

Bob: Damn straight.

Hangman and Bob high five

Bob: …Wait why’d I high five that?

Hangman: ‘Cause you’re a sucker for a high five.

Bob:

Bob, in an excited tone: Damn straight I am.

They high five again

~

(Hangman and Coyote in flight school before they got their call signs)

Hangman: Okay, just so we’re clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Deathblade

Coyote: And I’ll be Rum Tum Tugger!

Hangman: No, Javy, no characters from Cats. Dig deep, think of something scary!

Coyote, immediately after: Adolf Hitler.

Hangman: No—

this is basically just the main characters from the movies. im srry😭

[mcjour]

a dream the other day

it started out as a “normal” weird or bad dream. but then by the end it was quite a switcheroo as it turned into a CY nightmare. damn, so close lol. it actually felt a lot like a metaphor for everything that had happened. 

me and my extended family were at a restaurant (no covid apparently) (also i can’t imagine going to a restaurant with these people no offense) and this restaurant had these massive book-sized menus (cheesecake factory perhaps lol). the waitress comes over immediately and is like “hello what do you want, im starting with you” and i’m like wait i’m not ready. and she’s like ok fine and starts at the other end of the table. 

apparently my brother was just like so frustrated with me and my indecision that he was doing rude stuff at the table. i didn’t notice as i was focused on the menu. but one of my cousins got up to confront him and was like stop being so rude, she’s just trying to pick something out, stop giving her the evil eye. etc. 

now of course this was devastating to little ol dream me because of all the people to be mean to me, i would not expect my brother! (lol in real life i could not imagine him doing this either, maybe a playful hurry up but anyway)

finally i decide to get a burger seeing as that is the only thing on the menu i can eat (which is actually a joke in real life with one of my friends who is also a picky eater). but when i try to order a burger, the waitress says this is not actually on the menu. so this means there is absolutely nothing i can order off of this menu. once again devastating to me. so in combination with the nothing to eat, my brother being mean, and a bunch of bad memories of the past*, i am like inconsolable. just a crying heap in the restaurant. 

for some reason my mom is like well someone’s gotta feed her, maybe her dad can pick her up??? so now for some reason my dad is brought into this lmaooo

just feel like such a burden

then idk where i was next.. the retreat???? somewhere. i went to some blonde lady that i recognized and i don’t remember what blonde lady i went to but she called on her walkie talkie to let someone know i was there. so i go in the building and both my old (good) boss and my therapist were sitting there waiting for me and i’m like ok awk but i feel safe and trust this will be a productive conversation. but then my bad boss joins in and i am angry. this is an intervention. they are going to hospitalize me, i can tell. i am “crazy” because of the burger incident. 

like ok,yes maybe as an adult it was kind of a lot to cry over a burger incident but there was so much else leading up to that. i wasn’t just crying over a burger, but i was also crying about my brother and my bad memories and whatever else. but nobody cared about that. all they saw was me crying over a burger and i was crazy.

someone there also was telling me about one of my students and i was like “i know i’m never gonna see them again whether you fire me or i quit” so LOL

ok but actually so i woke up and was blown away because of all the comparisons between this random burger analogy and real life. 

like that people didn’t see what was upsetting me so much, and how it was actually everything building up and not necessarily one big thing.

or the thing with my brother. i trusted my boss as she was at one time a close friend of mine. that was what made everything even worse. 

there was definitely another thing that i forget...

* the bad memories (actually real):

- when i was in middle school maybe? my dad brought us to this random italian restaurant in the north end (?? not sure why we were in boston lol but ok). anyway i am not a big fan of italian besides pizza and pasta with butter despite being italian myself (LOL i am a picky eater, also i am ~slightly~ more adventurous nowadays but i was a traumatized little 12 year old (or however old idk). also italian is like the worst place to bring someone when the whole menu is like big italian words and shit like i don’t even understand the menu but know i’ll hate it all. so i got really upset in the restaurant because there was nothing i could eat there. my dad was pissed. i don’t remember what he said or did but we did leave the restaurant. the restaurant was also pissed because my dad had already ordered a drink and you’re not supposed to get alcohol and leave like it’s not a bar! anyway i don’t remember what happened afterwards.

------ but that does remind me of 2 other memories: dad getting mad and throwing my brother against the wall. or the time we went out for chinese and my stepmom got so mad at me because i ~called her old~ as a joke after  she called me young... lmao imagine picking a fight with a middle schooler.... anyway she wanted dad to take us/ her ? home immediately lol. i don’t remember wht happened? i think maybe we had already finished eating because i don’t remember abruptly leaving

- when we went to my good boss’ house and she made us a brunch spread and i couldn’t eat a single thing. like i even was like “whatever i’ll eat the fruit” but even the fruit was like the one fruit i won’t eat HAHAH. anyway she said she would make me scrambled eggs but she needed more eggs so then she had to go to the store and get more eggs and that was a big thing (i mean she didn’t MAKE it a big thing, but she needed to borrow money and a car LOL). anyway i felt like such a big burden and couldn’t help but cry at the table but i didn’t want to make a scene and feel like an even bigger burden so i couldn’t leave the table either and like just cried there silently and luckily(??) nobody said anything to me about it (but i do remember a friend (don’t remmeber which) later (like months later..?) confirming that they had indeed noticed LOL)

- when i had to ask for accomodations for the retreat. it felt humilating. like my food ~preferences~ are not just me being childish, but legitimate sensory issues with texture and taste. and the guy was like oh you want chicken nuggets? and im like .... well ... yes i like those but no it doesn’t need to be nuggets like i can eat any chicken.... anyway he said the kitchen can probably make me peanut butter and jelly and i’m like ok that’s fine (not great, but if someone is going out of their way to accomodate me i am not going to be a brat). but the thing is that my anxiety is so bad that it was never actually a realistic accomodation for me. to walk up to the window and be like hello i would like a pb&j??? LMAO. yeah that’s not embarrassing at all even without social anxiety..... anyway on the last day of the retreat, i saw no breakfast items i could eat. like i lost it when i saw the french toast HAHAHAH. just a very loaded memory. i guess that’s a direct one to one with the dream in that i lost my mind over not having food i can eat

- also plenty memories of frustration with my indecisiveness. both my own and those around me, namely my mom. those are harder to remember specifics and also are not the ~most~ relevant to the dream so no use in writing them out. i do remember renting videos as a big one though. 

[mcjour]

the other day S reached out of me out of the blue to ask about what happened during the retreat. kinda caught me off guard. also, I remember S was a toxic friend to the point where i knew i had to end it, but I think I blacked out whatever it was that she did due to (other) trauma. i literally don’t remember what she did. So that’s awkward. but we are friendly and have just casual conversations, so i can live with whatever pseudo friendship we have.

and honestly it was a good conversation. i gave her the play by play of what i could remember from each of the days. and she was like wow what a shitshow. but then she disagreed about the last day. long story short, if anyone is reading this without context, the second day we did this shitty ass cross the line activity that was highly triggering and traumatic for everyone, (in what workplace is it appropriate to say cross the line if youve been sexually assaulted and make eye contact with the people across the line and other similar intrusive questions) but especially hard for me given that i have quite a lifetime of trauma and cptsd on top of it. so by the next day, i had totally lost my mind. like full mental breakdown triggered by my ptsd, lost control of my mind and body, felt like i was drowning, having trouble breathing, had weird visions of me cutting myself, etc. So i said listen like i need to go home, i can’t stay here any longer i am very sick, i literally can’t stop crying and i don’t even know what is going on. but they forced me to stay so i sat out of the activity. it was a bad situation because they activity changed to be a conversation about race. i knew i shouldn’t sit out of it as a white person, but like i’m not kidding when i said that i was very sick. they made me make a split second decision when my brain was fried and i chose to sit out, thinking that the last thing that the people of color in the room needed was me uncontrollably sobbing in the corner and taking up space during a very tense conversation (there were other events that led up to this tense atmosphere). i fully intended to try to catch up on what i missed, but also knew it would be no substitution for the real thing.

anyway S was saying that if she was there, she would’ve been upset that i was in the room and i totally got that. if anything, i have been waiting to have that conversation since that day, but my therapist is not quite there to have that conversation, she’s a white lady and while i think she generally is good about social justice issues, she would definitely be like oh no! you’re not racist! kind of a thing. S and I were on the same page, I think. We agreed that i was very triggered in put in a bad position where like no matter what i chose would be a bad choice sort of a thing. it wasn’t anything “new” but it helped clear things up all the same. and maybe she is right, maybe i DID make the wrong choice. But like I said, both choices were bad and i was literally not even in the right mind to make any decision let alone that. S was also saying that she would’ve understood anyway, because this was like a one time situation and she knows i am constantly standing up and speaking up on social justice issues and she would know i was supportive even if i wasn’t in the room. 

SO yeah. i left that conversation feeling good. ok not good. but felt like i had some clarity and i thought it was a productive conversation and we both listened to each other even though we were initially kinda disagreeing.

anyway turns out that wasn’t the end of hte conversation. the next morning she was brining up some of the people we both knew and she also mentioned someone had been talking shit about me to her and i was like oh? and she sent me screenshots.

the screenshot looked like it was in june, so it was in response to something else, not specifically my latest expose LOL. 

but basically this girl V was like saying that i am biased in my hate against the organization, i can’t separate my feelings from what is actually going on, i was fired because i caused harm to my team and with teachers and never take accountability for my actions.

would love to know how V thinks she knows all this shit..? like where is she getting this info?? her own asshole??? or fed to her from my abusive boss’ friend? like?? what’s happening???

can’t separate my feelings from what’s happening?? ok... so where do you think my feelings are coming from if not from what’s happening....? did i just pull some hate out of my ass? like i don’t just hate shit for no good reason LOL.

yep, i did cause harm to my team and and i took accountability and i actively worked on it and got positive feedback for it. so i’m confused what is happening here. did i right every wrong before i was fired? no. but to say i didnt take accountability is ... wrong.

the thing is just that i don’t just view actions in a vacuum. so there were legitimate things happening that caused me to act the ways that i did. aka my abusive boss fucking with my head. of course i struggled to support my team when my boss made it clear that she would never consider me a part of the team. and i don’t say that to shift the blame from me to her. but you can’t just focus on me and not her role in that?

and it’s wild you say that i caused harm on the team and with teachers? because my boss did all of that and at least ten times worse than i ever did and she didn’t get fired.

ALSO they told me i was getting fired for my mental health issues. which is fucked up. maybe they lied and V is right? i doubt that first of all. but ok, even if they did, they did tell me i was leaving as a compelling personal circumstance, on good terms, would still be eligible for my scholarship. of course i never got that scholarship because they asked for wild fake documents. BUT if i was getting fired for doing such a bad job, wouldn’t they have told me that? or at the very least not told me i was leaving on good terms??? IDK is it legal to lie in an exit meeting? 

and also wtf is the harm with teachers???????? i know my boss accused me of shit talking her with the teachers but that simply was not true lol. a lot of teachers actually came up to me on their own accord to shit talk my boss LOL. they decided on their own that she was shitty, they had their own eyes and ears and brains. but even then i would redirect them and tell them to talk to my boss about their problems with her! the only thing i can think of was a situation with the teacher next door.

the teacher next door hated her cy. she liked me better. it was super awkward. she was also really good friends with my teacher. so i was put in a weird uncomfortable position where i liked her (as a friend/ coworker lol) so i felt awkward telling her off especially when there was this power difference of her being a teacher and then with her being friends with my teacher too. like if i told her to fuck off, would i ruin my relationship with my partner teacher? my partner teacher was all i had left because of the way that my abusive boss isolated me from everyone else. i admit that i believed this teacher over the cy and i have since talked to the cy and we both apologized and understood each other’s perspectives so like, as bad as i feel, there’s nothing else to be done, i guess. well, not that i could do anything so long after the fact anyway. and like it wasn’t llike i did absolutely nothing anyway. i kept in contact with my manager about it but like i was already overworked and underpaid and all that and sorry but im getting paid below the poverty line so trying to solve this weird dispute that has nothing to do with me is a bit above my pay grade

but here’s the kciker: this woman was literally a pedophile who was manipulating all of us! like me, my teacher, the cy, even up to the assistant principal! so hello! no wonder i felt so trapped! how the hell was i supposed to outsmart a pedophile at this below entry level job! and i don’t say that to get out of accountability, V. trust me, it eats at me to know that i was blind to a lot of fucked up shit that was happening. but once again, actions don’t happen in a vacuum. this woman was a manipulative mastermind and she used us as her puppets! dude i am 24 years old and this is my first job out of college and how the hell was i supposed to see that coming without any training. 

so i would love to know how v came to these shit ass conclusions without ever stepping into my school or into my life or having a single ounce of perspective.

which is so fucking wild to me because these people are working with highly traumatized kids????? so if y’all keep viewing everything through your stupid tunnel vision eyes then you are gonna fuck some kids up the way you fucked me up.