#cyrellea

[rachelbflynn]

☮

☮: AN ARGUMENT I THINK MY MUSE WOULD HAVE WITH YOURS.  

( TRIGGER WARNINGS: implications of drug abuse + alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide )

FEBRUARY 9, 2019

Stay safe until then. It’s five in the morning and the irony of Cyrelle’s words aren’t lost on her. The warning signs had lined themselves up over the phone, providing a mental checklist of indicators that Cyrelle was the one who deserved the worry, who deserved the reminder to stay safe. Unsteady breathing, check. A voice rough due to more than the early hour, check. Chattering teeth, although she can't tell if it is due to emotional stress, the cold, or perhaps even withdrawal (except it wasn’t that bad, was it? had she missed the signs again?), check. No set answer on when she’ll be back, which could mean she’d see her next week or next month, check.

The redhead reaches for the water bottle that rests on the edge of her bedside table, swallows the water as if it’ll wash away the lump in her throat, the temptation to call Cyrelle back and echo those words. Stay safe. Come back. Let’s figure this out before it gets too hard to fix things. But Cyrelle chooses her words carefully, and there’s no guarantee that the other woman will answer even if she calls again, and they’ve always struggled with talking about the parts that hurt. So when Mac reaches out and puts his paw up on her chest, Rachel runs her fingers through his fur and closes her eyes, knowing sleep won’t come.

FEBRUARY 27, 2019

When she goes home for independent research and Cyrelle returns to Darkwood, the phone call lingers in the back of Rachel’s mind. Her friend’s voice isn’t as haggard, and when they brush shoulders while walking down the street, she can feel that her skin isn’t icy like she had imagined it to be that night. Still, she disappears at night sometimes, leaving texts left unread until a day or two later. Rachel overhears biting comments about that Abbott girl, narrows her gaze at the speakers, although she can’t see who they are. Perhaps her glares now are even more effective, the white scarring on her eyes more cutting than the former icy blue. 

One night, before Cyrelle heads out for a reason she doesn’t voice, Rachel speaks up. “You could stay, you know,” she offers, not specifying if she means staying the night at the Flynn’s small flat, or staying in Darkwood, in Oxford. Stay with her. Figure things out between them, even if they have to force the words out, because maybe the sunlight has a chance to be antiseptic. Maybe they have a chance at fixing things if they do it together, instead of fighting their own silent battles. 

Cyrelle still leaves, though, and Rachel doesn’t push it. She may only ever get her in bits and pieces, there long enough to remember what it was once like between them but not long enough to convince herself it’ll go back to the way that it was. If the choice was having Cyrelle in small doses or not having her at all, she knows which option she’ll pick. And addressing the crack that’s formed between them, the way she fears Cyrelle is getting lost in things she can’t pull her back from, feels as if it could be enough to lead to not having her at all. So Rachel doesn’t push it. She picks up the phone when Cyrelle calls, and takes what she can.

APRIL 17, 2019

A year ago today, Cyrelle had came to pick her up at Oxford, and they’d went home and spent the day with Mx. For hours at a time, it was almost like it used to be, Mx bringing up the strangest topics of conversation while Cyrelle and Rachel laughed at his antics, cans of Kopparberg held between their fingers. When she tried to picture it, she imagined the two of them just as they were four years ago, smiles bright, that shared mischievous look in their eyes. For hours at a time, it didn’t feel like anyone was missing, but the past always came back. Even when they tried to outrun it, even when they tried to let themselves forget for just a day.

This year, there’s no forgetting. This year, there isn’t even a reason to celebrate. This year, Jesse holes up in her student housing with her and they actively don’t talk about it. It’s by chance that she finds out about Cyrelle’s whereabouts, hears her voice on a video that comes up on Jesse’s phone. Her words are slurred, and the video is loud, and despite how quickly Jesse attempts to turn it off, she hears enough. It isn’t until hours later, when he’s fallen asleep on the couch and she’s restless in bed that she picks up the phone and calls Cyrelle.

It goes to voicemail. Either dead or intentionally unanswered, although she guesses it is more likely to be the former. Still, as she lays on her back and thinks back to what life was like a year ago, the frustration and anxiety bubble up and instead of biting it down, she speaks into the phone. 

“Remember when it was you calling me last month?” The question hangs in the air for a moment, and she hates the way her words never come out right when it really matters. “You sounded awful, Cyrelle. You sounded awful and yet you told me to stay safe. It’s almost funny.” Almost, but not quite. Because as much as she tries to push the worry and anxiety down, it always comes back. If things kept going the way that they were, who was to say that she wouldn’t be doing the same thing on Cyrelle’s birthday, spending October 29th wondering how she had missed the signs all over again? “I don’t know where you are right now, but I hope you’re doing better than you were that morning. And I want to talk about this, in person, when you’re here and I know you’ll get the message.” She’s quiet again, trying to keep herself steady, and Mac whines as he notices that she’s upset. Her hand finds his face, and she brushes her fingers down his snout, in a way that’s always been able to calm him. 

“I miss him, and I miss you. And I can’t go back and help him, but you’re still here and I think  I think you need that. I think you need that help, and I don’t know how to give it to you, but I want to. I don’t want to have to miss you, Cyrelle. I really don’t.” Even if the redhead had wanted to say more, she doesn’t get the chance, as a tone comes through the phone. She can’t be sure if the message was simply too long or if Cyrelle’s voicemail was full, but she hopes that it makes it. She hopes they’ll get to have that conversation, no matter how messy or difficult it might be. She hopes that next year, things will be different.

[fckaugust]

actually ✍ ( ignore the other one, i'm indecisive )

✍: for what my muse has written about yours in their diary.

disclaimer: this is all hypothetical, of course ! also, all spelling errors he inevitably would’ve made have been corrected with the exception of jake gyllenhaal’s name.

november 17th, 2010:

today that nice guy mx took me to meet a couple people he’s friends with. they were all pretty cool i guess, but it was kinda weird because apparently a lot of them knew i ‘replaced’ this guy named eddie. maybe i’ll try to meet him. anyway, one of them was named syrelle (i think) and i think she was my favorite. she was really nice and honestly very pretty too!

november 18th, 2010:

update: it’s spelled cyrelle. with a c.

november 22nd, 2010:

cyrelle learned i was born (and partially bred, you know my story! you’re me!) in west virginia and had me watch this movie called ‘october sky.’ she was talking the whole time so i don’t really know what it was about, but that’s okay. i think i liked that better than just the general concept of watching a movie in the first place. she’s really smart. like... really smart. i also didn’t really know what she was talking about because she’s so smart, but i still liked it a whole lot. she gave me a copy of the dvd. i looked it up to see if it seemed like i should watch it without cyrelle. apparently it’s a combo of our worlds, if you will: west virginia and space. and jake gylenhal jake gyllinhall jake gillenhall jake gyllenhall (sp?).

january 4th, 2011:

so apparently cyrelle’s mom’s some kind of famous actress? i don’t know. there seems to be a lot of weird judgment going on about her family which... i don’t get? everyone has weird family things going on. unless she’s part of the manson family (and i don’t think they were actually related or really a family... right? also wasn’t that in the 60s? rip sharon tate), WHO CARES ABOUT LOCAL DRAMA?!?!?!

july 18th, 2013:

so ‘the conjuring’ is coming out tomorrow. i think i might try to actually ask cyrelle to hang out - like, go to the movies with me, that kind of hang out. the one you see in movies. 

july 21st, 2013:

ignore july 18th, re cyrelle. i didn’t send the text and i don’t think i will. i’m gonna be that guy who says he’s in the ‘friendzone,’ ew. i hope someone punches me if i ever say that or call myself a ‘nice guy’. or wear a fedora. so anyway, [ stuff about other people ].

september 20th, 2014:

i was so worried cyrelle and [insert various other names] were in there. i hate that i was thinking about all of them and i still couldn’t just... go in. i was so close. and now nina’s dead because i’m a damn coward. and george is dead because i didn’t do a damn thing even though i was so fucking close to it. all it took were five goddamn steps. and i just kept thinking... you selfish idiot. if you go in, you’re a selfish idiot because you just wanna be a big damn hero. if you stay here, you’re a selfish idiot because you’ll let your friends burn to a crisp. i’m really glad cyrelle and [the other names] weren’t there. rachel was though, and now she might be blind. we’re not close enough for me to know all the details yet, but i know it’s not... good. and jesse’s face is all disfigured which is unfair because he actually saved people. at least i finally have proof that karma doesn’t exist. 

november 28th, 2014:

i wonder how everyone else is doing... i wonder if they even wanna talk about it. i wonder if cyrelle is okay.

july 16th, 2018:

jesse keeps calling me. i don’t know why he hasn’t stopped yet. i know why. so i don’t know why he keeps calling - how he hasn’t gotten the message yet. but i’d be lying if i said i didn’t wonder every now and again how cyrelle’s doing. it’s been hard to keep in touch with most of my old friends, we’re all unreachable for one reason or another. i think the only person still even kind of keeping us together is mx...

october 15th, 2018:

he’s dead. i saw it coming and i didn’t do shit about it. a goddamn idiot. who else am i gonna lose now? and i don’t just mean to substances or a lack of communication. i’ve lost a lot of people that way. but to death. to literal death, probably caused by substances. i’m so fucking scared cyrelle’s gonna be next, but we haven’t talked in so long i shouldn’t just go fucking meddling. there’s no point in pulling a jesse. dean didn’t fucking listen to me about mx, so who the hell’s to say cyrelle would listen to me about herself? and why should she even care? what are we to each other anymore, just acquaintances? it’s so fucking funny how people can leave your life as quickly as they came into it. maybe i’ll be next. it’d be a lot easier that way.

october 29th, 2019:

it’s cyrelle’s birthday today. i don’t think anyone’s having a good one anymore, at least not the people who aren’t coping well. i haven’t had any good ones that i can remember. but i still hope something good happened. maybe neil degrasse tyson finally admitted he was mutually feuding with her? i don’t know. we all have so little time.

march 23rd, 2020:

happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me. happy birthday mr. carpenter. happy birthday to me. i never liked birthdays, i didn’t want people to wish me happy them. but i never actually thought about what it’d be like to not hear it once i started hearing it. cyrelle, mx, nina... it’s weird. it’s odd that only one of those three is still alive. physically.

february 27th, 2021:

i haven’t tried to talk to cyrelle again. she hasn’t tried to talk to me again. i don’t know why i’m still writing about her. consider this my last entry. forever. it’s been real, my sweetest friend.

THE REMIX:

february 28th, 2014:

so many entries are gone. so i guess i’m writing about her again, but now i can write about anyone... because we’re all alive? it’s kinda tragic, isn’t it? we talked. it really was like it was 2014 again, but before all the bullshit happened. i don’t know which is more tragic: having to face up to all the dead people who don’t know they died and will probably die again, or having to face up to all the lost friends and recognize that so much time has passed but so little has too. i don’t wanna miss it this time around -- this might be the only good part of being 22 again. but i also don’t want to sacrifice our second chance. but even if i do... what will it matter in the long run? it’s just gonna repeat itself. why get my hopes up for anything different?

[ravikarim]

@cyrellea​ 

maybe this was a bit unconventional for how things were supposed to be done, but ravi’s already experienced being too distracted. as soon as he lands in darkwood, he wants to get the ball rolling. even with the storm brewing outside and most of the power cut out, he went seeking his first suspect. 

now it was a bit extreme to bring cyrelle in for questioning simply because of the fact that she has no alibi, but he’s going with it for now. “there’s a lot of things on the record that point the finger to you.” those things are substantial at best, but the agent doesn’t feel like going too deep into that. 

“normally people at least try to cover up their tracks for the night of. are you sure that you don’t have even one person that can vouch for you?“ ravi doesn’t want to point fingers if there’s a way out for cyrelle, she’s just his first suspect on a long list. “i promise i’m not completely unreasonable.“ 

[alrightnik]

msg: nik ✈️ cyrelle

nik: Now that my mother and I are back on speaking terms, she wanted me to remind you to tell your mother that today is the day she was the centerfold of Playboy 🙄

nik: The mental image is scarring enough.

[lydiaturan]

holy! cannoli! | cyrelle & lydia

@cyrellea it was strange being back in a time that seemed so distant, there she stood in her apron with her frizzy auburn hair tied back in a ribboned plait. she remembered how badly she had wanted that job to prove to her parents she was going to make a positive contribution towards her own life, she had wanted to prove to them she was capable and able enough to stand on her own two feet. that had been the year of learning the hard way that things could go from bad to worse and that she could hold her own but she couldn’t hold everybody. the day had passed hazardously as she remembered, the apron still tied around her waist as the bell rang with the last colleague leaving. lydia was the trustee of the key that night, the one that was locking up. who would somebody trust more with their goods? the answer was nobody in darkwood. 

it was kind of weird how little had changed even though everything had. she felt the same, the memories and present tangled into one allowing her to go through old routines with new knowledge, it was seamless. 

she was bending down to lock up the under the counter safe when the bell jingled above the door, she hadn’t had time to lock up because she was so busy thinking about other things. cracking upright she opened her mouth, “we’re actually cl...” but soon she realised who it was that was standing in front of her and those words were lost. she blinked a couple of times before speaking again, a genuine question mainly consisting of puzzlement, “cyrelle, what are you doing here?”

[sanctuarics]

Who are the most attractive people in darkwood?

“ well that’s all SUBJECTIVE , isn’t it ? ” nat’s nose scrunched ; she was never one to admit to this kind’a thing . leave ‘em guessing , spare yourself the potential rejection . “ but i guess i can give you a few names , ” huffing , she tried not to put too much overthinking into it , “ cyrelle , fawna , andi , nik , eddie , & reggie are all . . . QUITE pretty people in their own way . i’d say dean , too , but he doesn’t need that ego boost . ” ––– @cyrellea , @ohfawna , @vndii , @alrightnik , @eddietm , @ofreggies​ .

[deanlombardi]

Most attractive people In darkwood?

he only ever had eyes for one person in darkwood, and she could hardly stand to look at him anymore. people would probably expect him to say cyrelle too, but what happened between them that night had nothing to do with attraction. it was one of those right place, right time kinda deals (or, more accurately: wrong place, wrong time). she was simply an instrument in his own self-destruction; it really could have been anyone. not that cyrelle wasn’t physically beautiful — obviously she was, — but attraction required more than that. attraction required a connection that he’d never been able to find with anyone but her. “if you think the most attractive person in darkwood is anyone but lydia, you need to get your eyes checked.”

@lydiaturan @cyrellea

[dxrcymoore]

most attractive people in darkwood?

”Well, I suppose most people in this town are fairly attractive, in a conventional sort of way,” she said with a shrug. “It really depends on what you find attractive. George and Reggie are quite good looking, aren’t they?” Fuck. Why did she say it like a question? They clearly were attractive but- she was blanking. Ash was the most obvious answer in her mind, with Nina and Nat also making a rather intrusive appearance. 

”and - you know, August.. Eddie, Luca?” She was just saying names she knew at this point. There was not a moment in her life she’d ever thought of Luca. Not in the way she’d thought about his step-sister at least. -and August? No. He made her nervous. But, not nearly as nervous as Cyrelle made her. For much different reasons. “Oh and Penny is quite gorgeous isn’t she? Everyone says so.” Nice. Nobody will suspect anything odd because every man, woman and small child knew Penny was a sight for sore eyes. 

”Well, I don’t know everyone in Darkwood so, my sample size is lacking.”

@gxorgx @ashtoashes @nina-heilig @sanctuarics @fckaugust @eddietm @lucasolana @cyrellea @penelopecar @ohfawna​ 

[fckaugust]

📱

NEVER SENT:

july 21st, 2013: so i wanted to know... are you free saturday night? the conjuring is out 😮 september 10th, 2013: Weird that the leaves don’t change much here we had these weirdos called leafers back in the mountains they were all real old fuck why am I talking so much about myself nevermind Siri don’t send november 28th, 2014: how are you? august 28th, 2017: Siri I said Siri not Cyrelle they don’t even sound alike I don’t want to do that again it’s too late for that God Siri just tell me a joke december 15th, 2018: i got this commission today and it reminded me of u. *image of a beautiful woman with a likeness to cyrelle in pop-art style*

SENT:

october 29th, 2019: hope ur birthday’s going well :)

@cyrellea

[fckaugust]

@cyrellea​

august believed that his theory made sense. and he wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not. if it were true, then there could be thousands of him out there that he had no control over. the man he just was was no longer him. did it disprove or prove the existence of a soul ? although such were usually in line with religion, august still took a certain comfort in believing they did exist, even if they ceased to just as soon as you did. but would this mean he had one and there were thousands with none ? would it mean he had thousands ? or would it mean he had none ?

however, he hadn’t even gotten a second opinion on how logical it was ( well... he kind of had in the form of lydia, but that was more a case of him sharing an idea and her listening ). it seemed to line up with the ‘parallel universe’ theory, but was that a legitimate theory ? or closer to conspiracy ? he knew of only one person he trusted to tell him how likely it was... 

“ i’ve been thinkin’ more about this lately, ” he prefaced ( with a very dangerous sentence ), “ and i was thinkin’... there are people here who do and don’t remember the ‘first’ 2014. but what if that wasn’t the first ? what if it was just... our main one. our 2014. ” he cocked his head to the side and continued, “ ‘cause everyone’s actin’ like we just rewound, but what if it’s more like... our 2021 selves still exist, but they ain’t... us... anymore ? like, it ain’t that this is the same timeline but new, it’s... a whole new one, ‘least starting when we all woke up... ” august rambled, finding great difficulty in verbally articulating his theory to cyrelle. maybe it was because it was cyrelle, maybe it because he wasn’t much of a talker, maybe it was because it was too big an idea to flawlessly vocalize... “ that make any sense ? ”

[alrightnik]

FMK: fawna, penny, cyrelle's mom

fuck: cyrelle’s mom marry: fawna kiss: penny

@cyrellea @ohfawna @pennyxcarmichael​

[hisporation]

created by @cyrellea

[fckaugust]

don't you get tired of fighting love?

“ y’know what ? i’d love to know what that feels like, but love ain’t ever worked out for me. thinkin’ i could be loved in any way and it not get ruined somehow ? that’s just false hope. ” even when the love was genuine, he found that it was ruined. from a childhood perspective, one big lie had ruined the best potential home he’d ever had. and a cruel lie it was. from a recent perspective, his best friend died and his kindest friend died. the woman he found himself smitten with had lost herself, just as he had. greg and julie said they loved him, but they’d uprooted him entirely, forcing him into an outsider role. “ so... yes, but no... no -- no, because, four years from now, ain’t gonna be anyone else left anyhow. ”

@mxvirani @nina-heilig @cyrellea​