#danny's first two problems are: he is stuck in another dimension. he has to steal in order to make the gun to get home

[starry-bi-sky]

SURPRISE! I am still not done thinking about this.

-------

Danny has a problem.

No, actually he has two problems.

Three problems?

Four. All of them are related, and all of them are loosely connected to one another. Half of them are long-term, somewhat passive problems. Passive in the sense that he is not actively being bothered by it right this moment.

The other half are twins and are currently giving him active, in-the-moment 'oh shit' problems.

He ducks under Red Robin's bō, one hand secured tightly onto his backpack full of stolen tech -- tech being a loose term, he thinks. -- and, keeping half-a-mind on the weight imbalance, loosens a kick to birdie's face.

"You missed." He comments, his brain-to-mouth filter failing him as it normally does in fights, and watches as Red Robin manages to get out of the way in time before his heel can meet his jaw. Danny uses that pause and brief change in distance to righten his footing, and widen that distance between them both.

Well, as much as he can with the two of them on a rooftop. He needs to get off of here before reinforcements show up.

Red Robin twirls his staff, the action unsurprisingly graceful and just as threatening, and Danny politely ignores the thrill it rushes down his spine. "You too."

It's not often that Danny steals tech in Gotham, but he's pretty sure that in the handful of times he's been here, he's managed to firmly situate himself as a member of Red Robin's Rogues Gallery. Which; great, fantastic. It's not his fault that red-winged blackbird over there was always the one to catch up with him first.

How the hell did this happen when he doesn't frequent Gotham for his heists half as much as the other cities?

If it wasn't already obvious: Danny's current, active two problems are Red Robin. The first being that he was being pursued by him, the second, however?

Danny's pretty sure he's developing some kind of crush.

Red lunges at him, and on the downswing of his staff, Danny makes his backpack weightless and all but pirouettes out of the way. Reaching out to yank on Red Robin's cape hard enough that he loses his balance.

He usually has a strategy for these fights to avoid gathering more attention than he already has, and revealing the full extent of his powers!

That strategy is: Avoid getting socked, toss them around a little if need be, and then get the hell out of dodge the moment he can!

The uneducated may call it cowardly. Danny calls it a proportional response. Nobody kills a spider with a flamethrower.

As for that crush -- don't ask him how it happened. He doesn't know-- okay that's a lie. It's a complete and utter lie and Danny knows it. He knows why.

He'd like to say that it's because of his ghost half -- instincts, habits, new behavioral changes that result in his very physiology being altered. But that would ALSO be a lie. Danny just has weird fucking taste and he knows it.

There was a running theme, and he can deny it no longer!

He has a type for obsessive little freaks intent on ruining his day.

Valerie Gray: local ghost hunter who he (accidentally) ruined the life of, and who in turn swore vengeance against him and all ghosts. Obsessed with routinely kicking his ass whatever chance she gets.

Wes Weston (a crush he will take to his fucking GRAVE): Discovered his secret identity on accident, vowed to reveal it to the rest of school. Now obsessively stalks him any chance he gets. Danny has routinely stolen his camera to otherwise delete, destroy, or steal the photos he has on it.

(Danny's crush on Wes Weston completely blindsided him, and lasted him all the way up to the moment Danny was unceremoniously dumped into another dimension. Sam already gives him enough shit for dating Valerie, he can't imagine what she'd do if she found out he was crushing on the boy intent on revealing his secret identity.)

(His only excuse is that Wes' cringefail attitude, sheer dedication, and stalkerish tendencies charmed him. He never said it was a good excuse.)

And now Red Robin.

But there was another running theme, for Danny specifically, when it came to his crushes. Now a safe distance away again, Danny's mouth tilts into a cocky smile and his heart thuds loud in his ears. "You're off your A-game tonight, Red. Something got your feathers all clipped?"

That is: mercilessly teasing his crush. Danny genuinely can't explain it, but riling up the object of his affections created a thrill like no other. Something about seeing their faces turn cherry red and their pupils dilate. It's like a lion watching a limping gazelle across the savannah, the smell of blood urging it to pursue.

Birdie did not blush easy, but by the gods, Danny had fun trying.

Red Robin huffs, shooting back at him a sarcastic smile while he readjusts the grip on his bō. They circle around each other; "Just missed you, Luci. Heard you hit up one of Luthor's warehouses last month, I'm hurt, we've got perfectly good tech here."

Luci. Short for Illusa, which in turn is, apparently, a term for 'illusion'. Danny did not pick out the name, it -- like all his interactions with the media -- was assigned to him. He has to hand it to the guy who coined the name though; it's leagues above something like Inviso-Bill and Ghost Boy.

He huffs a low laugh, ignoring the flippity-flop of his heart as a croon rises in the back of his throat. "Don't be too mad at me, cat-food. Lexie had something I wanted." He adjusts his backpack so it fit more comfortably on his shoulders. Bits and bobbles he needed to build his portal gun. Wires, scrap metal, gadgets and gizmos he could take apart for their parts. Thats what he needs.

"And that is?" In the dim lighting, Danny watches the edges of Red Robin's mask raise like an eyebrow.

His smile turns sharp, baring. His mouth moves before his brain does; "Come over here for a kiss, pretty bird, and I might just tell you."

Danny Is An Alternate Version Of Ra's Al Ghul And Flash Already Called Dibs On Adopting Him

Danny In All His Sleep Deprived Slightly Scuffed Up From A Fight Glory Is On His Way To Clockworks Tower To Hopefully Get A Nap And Maybe Some Homework Done When A Natural Portal Opens Up In Front Of Him And Proceeds To Unceremoniously Drop Him In The DC Verse Just Outside Of Central City Before Promptly Closing Leaving A Tired Danny Behind In A Run Down Abandoned Parking Lot.

It's Times Like This When Danny Regrets Putting Off Learning How To Make His Own Portals, Cause Now He Is Very Much Stuck For The Foreseeable Future And He Has No Idea Where Or When He Is. Luckily For Him However Central City Isn't Too Far Away, Unlucky For Him However Is That Once In The City He Realizes This Isn't His Dimension. He's Pretty Sure He'd Remember Something Called The Justice League.

So What Do You Do When Supernatural Bullshit Fails You? You Fall Back On Your Mad Scientist Roots And You Make A Portal Gun. So That's Exactly What Danny Plans To Do.

Unfortunately Staying Alive And Building Questionably Safe Portal Technology Requires Money And Supplies, So He Ends Up Wandering From City To City Doing Odd Jobs/Fixing Up Busted Tech For Cash Or Unwanted Electronics For His "Operation: Get Home" Needs. This Obviously Ends In A Few Superhero Encounter Shenanigans.

Though He Always Ends Up Back Near Central City, Both On The Off Chance The Natural Portal Will Open Up Again And Because Out Of All The Superheroes That Apparently Exist In This Universe The Speedsters Are His Favorite (Red Robin Is Solidly His Second Favorite Ever Since The Gotham Vigilante Gave Him A Large Coffee Filled With Enough Caffeine To Kill A Man).

Unbeknownst To Danny However Is That Every Hero/Vigilante He Has Encountered Has Come To At Least One Of The Following Conclusions; 1. Run Away Meta Who Is In Desperate Need Of A Good Meal/Adoption Bait. 2. Possibly Red Robin/Tim Drake Clone 3. A Good Kid But Could Possibly Be A Future Rouge If Left Unsupervised. 4. Did Bats Get A New Kid And Why Is He Here?

All Flash Knows Is That He Saw The Kid First And Therefore Has Dibs. Suck It Bruce.

Fast-forward A Few Months And Danny Gets Hurt During A Rogue Attack While Trying To Help Some Civilians Get To Safety (Old Hero Habits Die Hard (Ha Die Hard) And All That Jazz) And He Nopes Out Once Everyone Is Safe And When The Paramedics Are Busy With Other People Unaware He Left A Blood Sample Behind.

One DNA Test Brought To You By Paranoid Bat Concerns Of A Possible Red Robin Clone Later And They Find Out That Dannys DNA Matches One Ra's Al Ghul.

They Now Think Danny Is An Escaped Ra's Al Ghul Clone.

Memes For The Vibes:

[mischiefandspirits]

Doppelgänger (9/?)

Previously on Doppelgänger ~ Masterlist ~ Next time on Doppelgänger

Danny, Sam, and Tucker were just 14 when they took a look inside the portal Danny’s parents had built. From there, everything changed. They woke up with white hair, green skin, and powers they could learn to control. They were hybrids, halfas.

They were the hero Doppelgänger.

{Lucky in Love, Part 2}

Danny glanced over his shoulder as he led Valerie through the park.

“What are you looking at?”

“I just… thought I heard something,” he lied, turning back to her. “How about we find a quiet place to sit?”

She smiled and leaned into him. “A quiet, private place, huh?”

“Y-yeah.” Johnny better hurry up.

As he led her towards an empty part of the park, Danny checked his phone. Still nothing from his partners. He really hoped this wouldn’t come to a fight. The last thing he needed after all this was Johnny or his girlfriend finding out he was half-ghost.

Guys, we really need to talk. Please answer, he texted them. After a moment, he started another text. Come to the park, Joh-

“What are you doing?”

Danny closed his phone without sending the text. “Just texting Sam and Tucker.”

She grabbed it from him and put it in her pocket. “Don’t think about them right now. You’re with me.”

“Right. Do you want to get some ice cream?”

She smiled and dragged him over to a tree, pinning him against it. “I think I’d like something a little sweeter.”

Danny turned his head and pressed his back against the tree. “I don’t think -”

She grabbed his chin and brought their faces together. “Don’t think then.”

The sound of a motorcycle washed over them and she pressed their lips together.

“Hey!”

Her response to Johnny’s shout was to press closer to Danny and try to force her tongue into his mouth. He pushed her off before she could and then Shadow was dragging her away.

“Get off me! Danny, help!”

He ignored her, turning to Johnny. “Took you long enough.”

Likewise, Johnny ignored him as Shadow dropped Valerie next to his bike. “Come on, Kitty. Quit wigging out and come back to me. I’ll be good.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, low life.” She turned to Danny and he held up his hands.

“Forget it, Kitty. Your boyfriend already sold you out.”

She pouted at him then glared at the biker. “Beat it, Johnny. I’m Danny’s girl now.”

“No one’s my girl,” he muttered, leaning back against the tree and crossing his arms.

“You know I love you, babycakes.” Johnny took her hand and knelt. He glanced at Danny with a pinched expression, but forced it off to smile up at Valerie. “And I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were anything but the only girl for me.”

She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t pull away.

He reached into his jacket and pulled out a bouquet of blood-red glowing chrysanthemums and a box. Holding them up to her, he said, “We were made for each other, Kitty. There’s no other girl I’d want to spend the rest of my afterlife with.”

She took the box and opened it. Her eyes widened as she pulled out a familiar silver knife with an iridescent green blade.

Danny stood up straight, “Did you steal that from my parent’s lab?”

“It’s beautiful,” Kitty said, running her thumb along the dull edge.

“Just like you,” Johnny said and she smiled.

He stood up and they hugged. Then she grabbed the back of his head and shot him a look. “No more checking out other girls?”

“I’ll do my best.” He cupped her cheek. “Do you want to finish this conversation back home?”

Her eyes went half-lidded then Kitty was slipping out of her. Danny shot forward to catch Valerie before she could hit the ground as Kitty stuck the knife into her boot and took the flowers. Johnny and Kitty climbed onto the bike and Shadow slipped into his place beneath Johnny. The biker revved his bike and hit a button on the handlebars.

A portal opened in front of them.

“You can ride in and out of the Ghost Zone whenever you want now?”

Johnny smirked and winked. “Later, kid. Thanks for the help.”

Then they were gone.

“Note to self, track them down and kick his butt later.”

Valerie groaned in his arms and he looked down. “Danny?”

“Hey, Val. How are you feeling?”

“What happened?” She sat up and looked around. “What are we doing in the park?”

“You were overshadowed.”

“WHAT?” She leapt to her feet, reaching for her backpack, only to realize she wasn’t wearing it.

“It’s alright,” he said, climbing to his own feet. “They’re gone.”

“You-you got rid of them?” she said.

“Is that so hard to believe?” he chuckled, then shrugged. “I knew the ghost. Well, technically I know the ghost’s boyfriend. I managed to get him to get her out and take her back to the zone.”

She blinked, then smiled. “Sounds like there’s a story there.”

“Kind of. I’ve got no plans if you want to hear it.”

“Over dinner? I’m starving.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danny took a deep breath then walked towards where his partners were standing by Sam’s locker.

Tucker spotted him first and the two turned to him as he came to a stop a few feet away.

There was a moment of silence then they all said, “I’m sorry.”

They laughed.

“Really, I’m sorry. You guys were right, I shouldn’t have put myself in danger like that,” Danny said. “Especially since I risked your secrets too.”

“We’re sorry too.” Tucker threw an arm around the smaller boy. “We know better than anyone how protective you are of… well, everyone. We should have been more understanding.”

“You guys were just worried about me.”

“We were being overprotective,” Sam said. “And overly possessive. We should have trusted you more. Both with Shadow and with Valerie.”

“I was being reckless.”

Danny was shocked when she grabbed his shoulders and kissed his cheek. While his partners appreciated his kisses, they’d never returned the favor. He didn’t mind since they had their own ways of showing affection, but it was kind of nice being on the receiving end.

“You had to make a quick decision and you worked with what you had. We should have respected that more. You’re our partner, Danny.”

Tucker wrapped his other arm around Sam and pulled them all together. “So Danny will try to be more careful from now on and we’ll try to be more understanding about the Valerie thing, agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“Yeah, agreed.”

They melted against each other for a moment before pulling away.

“So how’d it go with your new girlfriend anyways?” Tucker asked.

“For the last time, she’s not my girlfriend,” Danny said.

“You might think that, but she -”

“Was overshadowed by Johnny’s girlfriend,” Danny finished, crossing his arms, and his partners’ eyes widened.

“What?”

“His girlfriend, Kitty, overshadowed Valerie at the waterpark. That’s why his shadow attacked, he was trying to track her down.”

Tucker shook his head as Sam grabbed his shoulder and looked him over.

“When did you find this out? Why didn’t you call us?” she asked.

“I tried.”

They flinched.

“Oh, man.”

“Sorry, Danny.”

He shook his head. “It’s okay, guys. Nothing happened. Johnny came to me when he found out Kitty was hanging around me. Apparently he ticked her off so she was using me to make him jealous or something. I got him to apologize and they both went back to the zone.”

Tucker started snickering. Sam shot him a look, but that only made him start laughing for real.

“It’s not funny, Tucker.”

“Is… too,” he said between laughs and Danny felt his own lips twitching up.

“Danny?” The trio turned to see Valerie walking up hesitantly. “Am I interrupting? I can come back later.”

Sam’s face went blank and she marched up to the other girl.

Valerie’s face went blank as well and she stood firm.

“I still don’t trust you.” She glanced back at the boys and sighed. She held her hand out to Valerie. “But I’m willing to give you a chance, for Danny’s sake.”

Valerie’s eyes widened and darted to the blue-eyed boy before she took the hand. “For Danny.”

Tucker came over and draped his arm over Sam’s shoulders. He gave a smile the boys had learned from Sam. “Of course, if you prove us right and hurt Danny, no one will find your body.”

Valerie crossed her arms. “I would never hurt him.”

“Then we won’t have a problem,” Sam said with a matching smile.

{Maternal Instinct}

Sam tossed a ball of ectoplasm back and forth as she floated over her partners, who were both staring intently at spots across the lab from themselves.

“Are we done yet?”

They both ignored her.

A minute passed, then Danny disappeared in a swirl of red comets.

Only to reappear in another swirl a foot in front of where he had been standing.

Danny frowned and looked around.

“Did we even move? A little.”

Sam rolled over onto her stomach and let the ball dissipate.

“That was better than last time. But still nothing compared to when Ember or Vlad teleport. At least we’ve been able to do something.”

Tucker was still staring at his spot.

Sam rolled her eyes.

“As we’ve said, teleportation has to be a one of us thing. It fits the space theme. It’s not fair for it to be a one of us thing.”

Tucker pointed at himself, then Sam, then Danny.

“Technokinesis, chlorokinesis, and pocket dimension creation. One each. Maybe it’s two each and we just don’t know it yet.”

Tucker and Sam turned to Danny, who shrugged.

“We found out about teleportation by accident. Maybe we haven’t discovered all our powers. That makes sense. Good thing we have the whole weekend to -”

“Hey Danny!”

The trio quickly transformed, Sam dropping to the ground in a roll and popping up to her feet next to her partners as Danny’s mom slid into the lab.

“Pack your bags! We're going to a mother-son science symposium in Florida! Doesn't that sound fun?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam looked up as Tucker floated through her wall.

“Animal ghosts? Animal ghosts!” they said and Tucker dropped onto her bed.

“There were seven of them this time,” he said after he transformed, voice muffled by her pillow. “Two got past me and Mr. Fenton saw them so now he and Jazz are going full ghost hunter. We might have to just leave them to it unless you want to risk getting hit.”

“We want to know where they’re coming from. And why they’re attacking the Fentons. Any word from us?”

“Nah. I tried calling him again on the way back, but it went straight to voicemail. Maybe his mom confiscated his phone for the trip.”

“Hope we’re at least having fun.”

“Doubtful.” Tucker looked up at her. “Unless NASA haaaaaa-Sam!”

“Yes?”

“Why do you have two heads?” he squeaked, glancing between the two heads sticking up from her shoulders.

“We tried to see if we could duplicate. Good news, we can. Bad news, we need practice… We also might be stuck.”

Tucker sat up, throwing his hands in the air. “First Danny can teleport, now you can duplicate! This is so unfair.”

“We might be able to duplicate.”

He shook his head. “I’ve tried. I got nothing. Just like for teleportation, pyrokinesis, shapeshifting, sonic attacks, and talking to animals.”

“We tried all that?”

“And none of it worked.”

She reached over to squeeze his shoulder. “Sorry. Maybe there’s something we haven’t thought of yet.”

He sighed and stood up. “Maybe. Let’s just get you fixed up before your mom finds you like that.”

“We almost wish she would.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tucker and Sam stared at their partner as he finished his story.

“Dude.”

“I know.”

“That’s it, you’re not allowed to take any more trips out of state without us,” Sam said, pulling him into a hug. “I’m going to feed that fruit loop to Audrey II.”

“I can’t believe he stole your powers then set his animals on you. What happened to making you his son?” Tucker asked.

“He still wants me to be his son. I don’t know how he thought sicking his ghosts on me would help.”

“That’s really messed up,” Tucker said. His fists clenched as he imagined Danny, running for his life through some forest in the middle of nowhere. No technology to help. No partners. Just alone and scared. All because of a man who claimed he wanted to be his father.

“Uh, Tucker, you might want to calm down.”

“Calm down? How can I calm down, Sam? The fruit loop did all that to Danny and we weren’t even there to help him! Aren’t you mad? How can you even ask me that?” he growled, glaring at her.

She raised an eyebrow. “Because I don’t want you to destroy Danny’s room.”

“What?”

Danny grabbed Tucker’s chin and turned his head so he could see the books, model rockets, and video games hovering a few inches off his bookshelf, a neon purple glow surrounding them.

Tucker blinked and they dropped back into place.

He turned back to his partners to see them smiling at him. “Did I do that?”

“Guess we figured out your power,” Danny chuckled and kissed his cheek.

“How did you not check telekinesis? That’s peak poltergeist right there,” Sam added, shaking her head.

{Life Lessons, Part 1}

“There they are, the prey that got away. I hope you've enjoyed your freedom, children, because Skulker has returned to finish the hunt,” Skulker muttered to himself as he watched the three halfas fly towards their school. All he needed was for them to split for just a moment, then he could pick them off one by one.

Suddenly a blast shot at the group and they scattered.

“What? A weapon was fired? By someone other than me?” He looked around and spotted a human flying towards the trinity on a hoverboard.

“Thought I'd forgot about you, ghost?”

“No, but we’d hoped you had.” The three shared a look then two darted off while the last went to engage the girl.

“They all seem formidable. Maybe I should hunt the girl,” Skulker mused as the halfa was knocked down by one of the human’s blasts. The halfa retaliated with a blast that knocked her off her board, the device having to swoop down to catch her on its own. “Of course, I have sworn a blood oath to have the ghost children’s pelts on my wall.”

“Look, we don't want to hurt you!” the halfa said, voice soft and pleading as they watched her regain her footing.

“What makes you think you can!” she shot back and pulled out a large blaster.

The halfa warped their body around the blast then fired at the gun, destroying it.

“I should force a contest between the hunter girl and one of the ghost children. And to the winner, the honor of me using their skull as a tetherball!” Skulker decided.

A bell rang out and both looked down at the school they were flying over.

“Later for you, punk!” the human announced and flew off.

“Yeah, bye Val,” the halfa sighed and flew off.

“That’s interesting,” Skulker hummed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valerie scowled down at her new child as they left the class.

“You okay?” Danny asked and she sighed.

“Yes, it’s just… My grades are in the toilet and I really need to pass this class, but I just got a new job so I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this.”

“New job?”

“Yeah. It cuts into my hunting time, but I want to help my dad with the bills and save up for college.”

“I understand.” He took the flour sack from her. “You know, it is a partner assignment. I can take care of it if you’re busy.”

“I can’t ask that of you. We should be sharing the work evenly.”

He shrugged. “What are friends for? Besides, I’ve got Sam and Tucker if I need help. I can even come by after you’re done and drop it off if you want.”

“You sure,” she asked, frowning when the sack started to cry.

He frowned down at the sack unsurely, but nodded. “Yeah, it’s not like I have a job so it will be like you’re the working parent and I’m a stay at home dad.”

“You’re the best,” she said, hugging him. “I’ll let you know the moment I’m off then we can meet up.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

[chaoticaddict]

So I was soldiering my way through the Jurassic Park movies to get to World, and I liveblogged the entirety of 3 to my friend Ian.  Join my insanity.

Danni:  i’m going to try and make it through jurassic park 3 in my half delusional haze, wish me luck

Ian: Alright! Have fun! 

Danni: wait so after all the shit in 1 about not having kids the two didn't hook up are you serious?

Ian: Yep, I guess something between them couldn't get worked out. *shrug*

Danni: WHY DIDN’T SHE HOOK UP WITH GOLDBLUM

THEY HAD CHEMISTRY

Ian: I think Ellie was more amused by Ian than attracted to him.

Danni: “no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island” 

have fun going on that island

Ian:"Alan Grant Returns to the Island" 

 It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Danni: pffff

oh this contrived romance in archaeology, hot?

jfc“let’s use the toothbrush” is not something i should ever go “oh boy here’s the forced romance scene” and not only that, but be correct about

don’t say you want to go to the jesus fuck

you should see the face i’m making

Ian: LMAO

Danni: “we want to go somewhere special for our honeymoon"“endangering our lives sounds fun"

THERE WERE PTERODACTLYS

I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG BUT I DON’T CARE

THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID

oh of course the money

grant your greed is what got you into this in the first place you fucking moron

can we please go back to malcolm

he was smart

he was so fucking smart

“an hour and a half, not too bad” i told myself

“how do you know the kirbys” “through my church” yeah you look like a churchgoing fellow

HAHAHAH WHAT WAS THAT SHIT

NO NO GO BACK TO THE TALKING RAPTOR

HOLY FUCK

I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS GREENSCREEN I’M JUST LAUGHING TOO FUCKING HARD

Ian: The Kirby's are like your dim-witted next-door neighbors you can't help but love.

Danni: THE TALKING

RAPTOR

TALKING RAPTOR

Ian:"ALAN!" LOL

Totally forgot about that part.

Danni: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT

THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE

oh god let everyone get eaten

there’s one down

you’re all stupid

Ian: You even want Grant to die?

Danni: this is the kind of stupid shit i expected from 2

GRANT WAS SO BORING

HE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES

MALCOLM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SAY “FUCK THIS” TO EVERYTHING

Ian: So true.

Danni: but seriously what is this cgi

what is this dinosaur doing, hugging his food

yeah you can outrun that thing sure

is this movie TRYING to be a comedy

Ian: Kind of. It's not meant to be taken as seriously as the others.

Danni: i want a “wah wah” button for this movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk

this

i want a button with this

i’m going to sad trombone the fuck out of this movie

Ian: Keep that button handy.

Danni: oh trust me i just hit it again

“maybe we should split up” are you shitting me

Ian: Which was better? Alan's dream or this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1aRB_ETfJk

Danni: Grant’s dream hands down

a talking fucking raptor

SAD TROMBONE

he took the eggs

he took the fucking eggs

grant you idiot

Ian: Tsk tsk tsk.

Danni: THERE’S NO WAY HE DIDN'THE TOOK THE EGGS

the phone is not going to work

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THE PHONE WOULD WORK

THERE’S SHIT GROWING ON IT

that raptor is alive

that’s not a display

that’s

SAD TROMBONE

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING IN THE LAST MOVIE WHEN I SAID THEY LEARNED TO CLIMB

EVEN MY CAT IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE “MOM THE FUCK IS THIS"

Ian: Super raptors!

Danni: i mean okay this is actually a somewhat intelligent move

if you go into a stampede raptors aren’t going to want to follow

oh hey that’s number 3

they don’t waste time in just murdering everyone

Ian: Sad trombone.

Danni: “i’m sure he’s just lying on the ground for fun"

WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THE RAPTORS SET A TRAP, YOU’RE THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAN WHO JUST CLAIMED EARLIER THAT RAPTORS WOULD HAVE BEEN DOMINANT SPECIES

ANOTHER SAD TROMBONE

oh no… raptors.. don’t like smoke????

jumanji child to the rescue

Bisco just sent me thishttp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jeff-goldblum-joins-jurassic-world-sequel-997569Jeff Goldblum Joins 'Jurassic World' Sequel (Exclusive)Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are returning for the follow-up, which will be directed by J.A. Bayona.hollywoodreporter.com

Ian: Perfect Jumanji reference.

Danni: oh good you mention malcolm in this movie just to shit on him when he's the ONLY REASONABLE CHARACTER FUCK YOU MOVIE

I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A DIVORCED COUPLE REALIZING THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT DINOSAURS

“i’m the assistant and i’m suddenly the villain"i’m going to just make a dubstep remix of sad trombone and put it over this entire movie

Ian: Why do I get the feeling Malcolm is coming back purely because the fans demanded it?

Danni: I’M OKAY WITH THAT TBH

it cannot possibly be worse than what i’m watching right now

Ian: Goldblum: "Fine, I'll do another one! Now shut up already!"

Danni: more like “Ah ah ah alright"

A L L  H A I L

Ian: Seriously though, he's probably excited. I get the impression he's fond of those films.

Danni: considering he quoted them in independence day reliving his glory days i would say yes XD

the cell phone in the stomach

the dinosaur is like “buddy can you help me here"

“shit’s annoying i don’t want phone bills"

YEAH JUST INSIST ON GETTING THE BAG BACK

OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE TOOK THE RAPTOR EGGS

IT WAS OBVIOUS AS SHIT

THIS MOVIE IS AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE

Ian: He took the fucking eggs.

Danni: OF COURSE HE DID

BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING POOR AND CONTRIVED TO DRIVE THIS CONSIDERING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FLATTER THAN A PIECE OF PAPER

grant COULD have something to him

that’s what frustrates me

but like nope he gotta be dumb and do it for the money

he can’t be like malcolm and be like FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS and the only reason he went back is to rescue someone he cares about OH LOOK BILLY’S LEAVING EITHER TO TRY AND REDEEM HIMSELF OR BE A DICK, EITHER ONE

MAYBE BOTH

Ian: And Grant isn't even getting money. HA!

Danni: and still finds the time to shit on malcolm

likeeee a prick

okay grant kick the pterodactyl i’m sure it loves that

i’m sure it lOVES that

you fucking maroon

Ian: I know he and Malcolm had different personalities and had an awkward relationship, but I always wondered what Grant had against him. Malcolm stuck up for all the victims while the suits covered everything up.

Danni: exactly

and grant calls him preachy and stuck up even now

you think they would’ve bonded over that shit

DID THE PTERODACTYL JUST LOOK AT US, THE VIEWERS

LIKE “IT’S A LIVING"

“MURDERING PEOPLE"

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RAPTOR EGG STEALING FUCK

NO, HE DESERVED IT, HE WAS JUST LIKE JOHN HAMMOND, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WERE

THAT WAS HIS DIMENSION

Ian: YES THEY ARE!

Danni: IAN I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING STUPIDER

omg the cell phone again

i love that this fucking thing is a fucking plot device

Ian: They went from ripples in the water to cell phone ringtones.

Danni: oh hey, it’s literally the movie, people digging in shit

Ian: OMG, so many Internet forums made that same observation.

I was waiting for you to react to that and I wasn't disappointed.

Danni: so glad you entrusted your fucking life to a child who is going to get distracted by barney

didn’t kirby say it could only make one call.  and you used it without his permission to call your old girlfriend in an emergency

you deserve to get eaten

oh and somehow she’s going to put this shit together

Ian: Barney steals the show.

Danni: HOW DID YOU SET THE WATER ON FIRE

Ian: Impressive, right?

Danni: OH GOOD, YOU KILLED THE DAD

A FUCKING PLUS, GRANT

OH NO WAIT HE’S THE LOVE INTEREST

HE’S FINE

I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED IF HE HAD DIED

IT WOUDL HAVE SHOWN SACRIFICE AND GROWTH

NOPE

GOTTA HAVE THAT WHIMSY

oh good MORE FORCED FUCKING DIALOGUE BETWEEN A DIVORCED COUPLE

Ian: Are we sure Spielberg didn't direct this one?

Danni: he did not

but.  yeah i see your point XD

the whimsy is just as forced

the raptors are back ey

you guys look like shit in this movie

Ian:The ol' *Spielberg dysfunctional family* (TM)

Danni: barking raptors

what the fuck is grant doing

what the fuck was that shit

WHAT IS THE ARMY DOING HERE

Ian: "Summon the eagles! I mean the Marines!" - Gandalf

Danni: OH SOMEHOW BILLY IS ALIVE

FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF THIS

YEAH THEY’RE LEAVING THE GODDAMN ISLAND

THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAD AT THE END OF TWO

Ian: The pterodactyls?

Danni: MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING AS THEY’RE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD AGAIN

HOW FUCKING MAJESTIC

I AM TEN TIMES DUMBER THAN WHEN I STARTED THIS MOVIE

Ian: YAYYYY!!!

Danni: CHRIS PRATT YOUR RAPTOR PACK BETTER BE WORTH THIS

Ian: Oh come on, it was at least somewhat fun, right?

Danni: thiiiiis was awful

i feel like my iq dropped

Ian: I remember leaving the theater after my first time watching it and I remember overhearing someone say "That was good, but not enough people died in it."

Danni: PFFFFF

10/10

(but no seriously what the fuck even was this movie)

Ian: Most fans consider JP3 as the "cash-in" sequel.

Danni: i would agree

Ian: For what it's worth though, the same fans agree that Jurassic World redeems it back.

As do I.

~~~~

And then I watched Jurassic World and fucking adored the movie more than the first three.  FINALLY.