#dave ryglaski

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls: S3/EP4/One's Got Class The Other One Dyes

Episode titles with 6 or more words (the first four seasons): Season 1: The Lorelais First Day At Chilton, Star Crossed Lovers And Other Strangers Season 2: Red Light on The Wedding NIght, Nick And Nora And Sid And Nancy

Season 3: One's Got Class The Other One Dyes Season 4: The Lorelais First Day At Yale, The Hobbit The Sofa and Digger Stiles, In The Clamor and The Clanger, Girls In Bikinis Boys Doing The Twist, Last Week Fights This Week Tights, Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospel (come on AmyShermanPalladino. Come on. She's just fucking with us with that one. She didn't envision a future where people like me would have to type that shit out). Anyway. This episode is a classic.

Let's have a look at what Jesstopher is reading...

That tracks. Lorelai: I think I'm in touch with the other side. Rory: Republicans? Ba dum tsssh.

What are we doing, naming things we see in the room? Dead cow, dead cow, non paying customer, non paying customer, old timey scale, the only business proprietor in America who purposely tries to drive away his own customers by insulting their selections from his own menu... Lorelai has been having premonitions about her own death. How does she know about the script for my Gilmore Girls horror movie trilogy titled "Blood In The Hollow"?

No, Lorelai will get a much more dignified slaughtering in BITH (at the hands of Rory? Luke? Jess? Her mother? Crusty? Possibly even DEAN, her jilted lover? The script is still in progress).

Now you're just naming all the hilarious ways I've imagined Dean's demise. TWWGG is chock full of "Dean Forrester should get eaten by a ____" , Most recently, it was a pair of T-Rexes. I may have suggested Death by Turtle before, I can’t recall. I do know that when he wore this sweater I said he looked like a turtle anus.

Stars Hollow has never once rocked and or rolled. Lane's got dreams of rock superstadorm. Not if AmyShermanPalladino has anything to do with it. Rory wraps her half eaten burger (The fakest fake burger I've ever seen) in a napkin (this is not a thing) and R&R leave Luke's without paying. INCOMING!

Lorelai's face. Lorelai mutters that Shane is a freak. Because why...? Sure, she doesn't have the best manners with all this barging through the door stuff, but you wanna talk about ettiquite, Miss Dine and Dash? So what makes her a freak? The girl has (horny, horny) needs and she knows how to get what she wants. Shane doesn't play silly games. On a random Tuesday at 6:17 pm, Shane thinks, "I want Jess Mariano's tongue in my mouth" And then she goes to the diner and gets that tongue in her mouth. That doesn't make her a freak, that makes her an example R&R should take after. Shane is a role model. Shane is Rock and Roll. Shane is a modern woman. Shane is a GOD DAMN HERO. SHANE IS SWAN FOOD (soon).

Nobody in the diner even blinks while this is happening.

There may not be any rock and roll in Stars Hollow, but there's certainly free porn, and Rory's going to grab a popcorn and watch the show.

"That was my intention, Uncle Luke"

Introducing for the first time, Zack Van Gerbig and Brian Fuller. I don't have any dog in this fight of "Which boyfriend was better for Lane". Well, maybe I do have a dog, but she's a sleepy bassett hound who can't be bothered to choose because anything that happens after season 4 (aka Lane's life trajectory after high school) doesn't affect me in the grand scheme of things. Alright let's briefly rate the members of Hep Alien: Zack: Lane's first sexual experience with Zack is a complete disaster. Zack enters into a teenage marriage with Lane, buys cheap off brand condoms and knocks her up with twins on their honeymoon, derailing her entire life and destroying her rock and roll dreams. (People on this show need to stop getting married right out of high school, for the love of all that is holy. And stop sleeping through Sex Ed! You live in a blue state where sex ed in school might actually be adequate and available! CHERISH IT). Zack is cuter than Dave. Zack is the lead singer, but I tend to crush on band members that are not the lead singers. Lead singers are trouble. That blond floppy hair is trouble. He looks like he might not shower that often. Dave: Dave didn't do any of those things. Dave definitely takes showers. Maybe too many showers + Impeccably clean, geeky clothes. Did you know Dave read the entire Bible in one night to impress Lane's mother? What a guy. He has curly hair which means he's a good guy. Got sucked up by the Male Gilmore Girls Character California Wormhole but unlike Jess and Max, She liked him so much she never spat him back out. Brian:

Lane gets a taste of the rampant sexism inherent in Rock and Roll when her suggestions for improving the band's sound are totally ignored by the men. Lane's paranoia about her mother is incredibly annoying and stifling to the other members of the band, and they almost walk out, and I'm not saying it's right to ignore her...I'm just saying, I understand.

In my gritty unrated Gilmore Girls spinoff with cursing and nudity and realism titled the Hollow no one would be shielded from perversion. At one point, Kirk apparently had a rock band called "The Kirk Gleason 5" who played covers of Queen songs and Mrs Kim put the kibosh on them.

The people of Hartford to the people of Stars Hollow: Please stop coming over here. There are other cities in Connecticut you can visit if you want to escape The Bubble. What about Stamford? We're full. Lane has to find a way to make it to band practice in Hartford 3 nights a week while still under the watchful eye of Mrs Kim. Rory and Lane try to brainstorm how she might get away with this Super Secret Band Thing, even though Lane has no money, no car, and no instrument.

A circa 2002 Karen (real name: Debbie), calling the Gilmores. Lorelai doesn't remember Debbie-Karen because Rory can only describe Karen-Debbie, the mother of a former classmate, as blond haired and average height. We find out Rory actually had another childhood friend of sorts besides Lane, Debbie-Karen's daughter Kathy. Rory would frequently go swimming at her house. Lorelai claims she can't remember any Stars Hollow Moms because they all look the same, except for Mrs.Kim and a woman with a glass eye. I guess that's Lorelai's way of saying Mrs Kim and Mrs Glass Eye are the only two minorities in Stars Hollow. That tracks. Lorelai doesn't even know Dean's mom? Things might get awkward when Lorelai and Dean have to write out their wedding invitations. Karen-Debbie: The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business to talk to the students, you know, someone who knows about how much hard work it takes to run a business, and we thought of you. Bahahahaha. Lorelai, a hard worker. Don't make me laugh. Oh wait, I already did. I will laugh some more. Bahahahaha.

The Gilmore Girls California Wormhole is about to claim it's first female snack, Kathy. Things Googled While Watching GIlmore Girls We Owe You Nothing (first tried I Owe You Something because I couldn't see the cover), major cities in Connecticut, Brian's last name (it's Fuller)

[saltygilmores]

DANCE MARATHON EPISODE (AKA MURDER ON THE DANCE FLOOR)-PART 5

After a quick blowjob break out in the soon-to-be-bloodspattered Stars Hollow High football field, a certain homocidal maniac in a puke green church donation bin coat has returned, and he's ready to dish out some sass. Shane is not in tow yet, but we need to give her time to freshen up and make herself presentable for the remaining few hours of her life.

Lane's pointless bitterness towards Jess is such a fucking waste. My "Lane hates Jess for stupid reasons when they could have been pals" rant has been reheated in the metaphorical microwave too many times already, so I won't repeat myself, but yeah. It's still about that fucking car accident.

Getting your dick sucked on the high school football field before committing a gruesome homocide can really work up a boy's appetite.

Baby you're such a good noticer. *kisses forehead*

I can't think of anyone more deserving of a rock hard permanent public erection. Wait And now, for what is possibly my favorite five-word exchange in the entire series:

The most perfectly executed dry delivery. Ugh! Sheer perfection!

Well, at least egg salad sandwiches beat the Crack and Despair Sandwiches Liz used to pack in his lunchbox.

Miss "My Virginity Spared Me From Becoming Football Field Fertilizer" has arrived with Also-Not-Dancing Butthead in tow. If the food is for the dancers, I better not see him eat anything. I will smack that sandwich out of his hand so fast so help me god (virgins always survive the killing spree).

You ever think about what a monstrous hell it must be for Jess living in a place like Stars Hollow? I think about this a lot. But I like to think that off screen he gets in his car and gets the fuck out of there as much as possible. Anyway, this is another perfectly dry one liner that I absolutely love. I want to fil out adoption papers and take all of his sarcastic one liners from this episode home from the shelter. R: You have nothing better to do than sit in a gymnasum staring at a dance marathon? J:Idk, do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon? R:Do you think you're bugging me sitting in front of me and staring like that? J: Do you think you're bugging me dancing and staring at me like that? R: I'm not staring at you! J:How do you know I'm staring at you?

Dean: It's been two years. Maybe you can glance at my dick for once, Rory. Has Rory ever said anything supportive of Dean that wasn't said with the same conviction as if she were a bank robbery hostage? Deany has that constipated look on his face again. Is he sad because no one was staring at him? But someone was. I'll give you a hint, it's a certain MILF who wants to turn that 34 into a 69. Lorelai is 34 years old in this episode, by the way. He's proudly displaying his love of young milfs on his literal sleeve. Listen, you could power Stars Hollow with the combined sexual frustration of these three people + Lane and Dave Ryglaski to make it extra nuclear. When nobody puts out, you get three teenagers eating egg salad and having an "I'm not staring at you!" argument in a school gymansium at 10pm.

Ooooh. Jess is shakin in his little murder boots. J: I'm supporting my town. R: Go back to New York. Oh Rory babe, if only he could, he'd be home now with a smile on his face with a pushcart hot dog in one hand while some easy alt chick rode his dick. Well, yeah he's got that now but he's going to feed her to the swans then take an 8 month vow of celibacy for some reason.

Got em.

He's so LAME. Jared: Hey AmyShermanPalladino, can't Dean get any fun comebacks for once? Why does Milo get all the good sass? AmyShermanPalladino: You can pick from the reject pile. We've got "my former comment still stands" "Are you trying to act tough, you're wearing a tie" and "You're the one who's going"

She's so horny. God help her.

Shane Campbell stars in the newest WB Network vehicle, "My Favorite Murder Victim." He keeps picking at that sandwich like he's going to find a $100 bill in the bread.

You want this poor girl to spend the last precious hours of her life doing math problems?

I guess egg salad will wash the taste of dick out of her mouth.

We heard you the first time, Ice Vagina. What is Dean even doing here, lol.

There's something incredibly erotic about this line.

Dean is like, what the hell is going on? Why is she touching me?

*immediately pushes her off*

Don't give him any more ideas, Jess.

I just want to point out that on the table behind them, fresh fruit and brownies are available for consumption. You know you guys don't have to eat those sandwiches.

Code for "I'm gonna go find the murder implement I stowed away in the bushes earlier"

[saltygilmores]

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS: S3/EP4/ONE’S GOT CLASS THE OTHER ONE DYES (PART 3)

This post is going to be a bit of a quicky. Scene: Lane's bathroom, where Rory is assisting Lane in dying her hair the color of Dean Forrester's balls. Purple. The dude's been waiting over 2 years to get past second base. Come on Rory. Throw him a handy. (Speaking of...the lack of Dean in this episode so far is making me fearful for when he may suddenly appear). Rory expresses her concern that using bleach in an unventilated bathroom might kill them both, but Lane is, like leave those windows locked! i want my mother to smell bleach when she arrives home! Because when she smells bleach she'll definitely think "Lane must be dying her hair" and not "someone is covering up a crime scene"

My belief is that deep down, every Gilmore Girls character is a potential serial killer, and they all have one specific event that will set their killing sprees into motion. Dave Ryglaski suddenly getting sucked into the Male Gilmore Girls Character California Wormhole may just be Lane's.

This episode's got the words "hell" AND "condoms" in it plus not one but TWO rapidfire pop culure references from the 1990's, and not 1973? We're getting bold and spicy in Season 3! Ole! The procedure goes horribly wrong and causes Lane tremendous scalp pain, so back to the beauty supply store they shall go in a few moments, where Shane has returned after servicing Jess on her smoke break. I really love the word "servicing" as a stand in for "blowjob", quite honestly. Per Wikipedia: Vin Diesel's birth name is Mark Sinclair. Sinclair began going by his stage name "Vin Diesel" while working as a bouncer at the New York nightclub Tunnel, wanting a tougher sounding name for his occupation. Vin comes from his mother's married last name Vincent, while the surname Diesel came from his friends due to his tendency to be energetic.

Why does that jacket make such a difference on Luke? When he takes that jacket off he looks super dorky, but jacket on, he looks pretty dang hot. More layers for Luke, fewer layers for Jess. One of the moots told me this event is supposed to be taking place at 4pm for an after school club, which is supposed to explain why L&L are talking to a classroom of teenagers while the main Teens of The Hollow are carousing about town, bleaching their scalps and getting serviced in closets.

In my regular Post-Post discussion with @frazzledsoul, we discussed how Luke, I mean, Butch here, graduated in 1984, the year Jess was born. At the same time Liz always refers to him as "big brother", so she would have been younger than 17 when she gave birth to Jess? Even though the writers retconned some of the other Liz Lore established in 2x5 (like that she was married) I think it's generally accepted that she was around 18 when she gave birth and not quite as young as Lorelai was when she had Rory. This is what 80% of the fanfics about Jess’ early life that I used to read had seemed to share a consensus on anyway. So we discussed the possiblity that Liz and Luke may be very close in age, even less than a year apart so they ended up in the same grade, which is plausible, or less likely, they're twins, but I'm not sold on that. Lastly, it's possible she just calls him "big brother" merely because she's annoying and the drugs have fried her brain and she doesn't even know what day of the week it is no less how old her own brother is.

That's the best part about Gilmore Girls.

The bleach appears to have seeped into Lane's braincase and she's delirious. She's not making any sense. I'm afraid there is no saving her now.

I mean, this has always been Rory's typical expression whenever another person reminds her that she's supposed to be so freaking in love with Dean, but she's aware she's actually dating a pile of camel droppings while everyone else has their heads so far up their asses that they don't see it, but now she's got the JessSweats on top of it. She's in a real pickle.

What is the "feeling" of dating Dean Forrester exactly? Is it that feeling Rory has been experiencing for the last 2 years, the feeling that there's vomit stuck in the back of her throat that is always so close to spewing out but it never does? Is that what you want Lane?

This is one of the clearest views of the Quarter on a String I've seen thus far, and now that I can see it so clearly, it actually looks more like a dented bottle cap and not a quarter.

All this time I've been giving Dean Forrester credit for spending 25 cents on this thing when he actually paid nothing because he stole it from Lorelai's business competitor, the homeless man who scours The Hollow for scrap metal and change with a metal detector. I was thinking an after school business club at Stars Hollow High School where you had to listen to Lorelai Gilmore speak would be pretty sucky, but then I remembered the alternative is being not at school in Stars Hollow instead and that's worse.

Lorelai Gilmore everyone, the Prominent Local Luminary. Beautiful handwriting on the chalkboard, did Jess write that too?

Oh how I love 35 year old high school Extras. "You all know Luke Danes from his fabulous diner." Yeah, it's where these "high school students" hold their AARP meetings. Luke Danes seeing a room full of high school students: I've never seen any of you people in my god damn ife but if you want a job waiting tables at a place where nobody tips and I flout child labor laws and pay you in lettuce scraps then come on down and fill out an application. Also, my nephew could use some friends. Lorelai Gilmore, seeing a room full of high school students: Which one of you handsome boys want to become my daughter's stepdad?

Yes, I have a question for Ms. Gilmore. After Crusty got you pregnant the first time, why do you still keep letting him stick his CrustyWiener inside of you again and again? Take your time I'll wait. By the way, did you know that David Sutcliffe recently said women shouldn't have the right to vote? Just putting that little nugget out there. What was surely going to be a motivational speech for the ages by Some Lady Who Barely Works At Some Inn is totally derailed when the 50 year old students keep asking Lorelai how babies are made. Despite her best efforts to change the subject, she fails miserably but for some reason KarenDebbie is put out by Lorelai's handling of the affair. I'm not sure what Lorelai was supposed to do exactly.