#deadnamed. bc it really is your own people! and sure everyone is learning but!!!

[albedobeheading]

last day in Rome probably ever

[redinkofshame]

Some late night ramblings Re: gender and toddlers bc I can't sleep.

I mentioned a while back that my kid's pediatrician asked if he could tell boys from girls and how much it upset me, like, can you?? (<-- I regret not saying it. I should have.) At the time I said no, he thinks everyone is a boy.

I soon realized I was wrong; he doesn't think everyone is a boy, he just only knows/uses he/him pronouns. Boys are he/him, girls are he/him, inanimate objects are he/him. I've been working on it with him every time he gets it wrong (but it's not working at all)

Ignoring for a minute that I don't particularly like that my 3yo can correctly (or as correctly as anyone else) say 'that boy won't play with me' or 'that girl took the ball'... (Like, how can he tell? They’re just kids...) Even though he can't grasp pronouns I'm glad that he's exposed to gender neutral on a regular basis thanks to the librarian that does toddler time at the library, Mx. Jude. I feel like it's scary to tell parents your proper pronouns because so many people are shitty but I'm glad they did. I guess I should write a comment card or something? Or is that patronizing?

I've been working on my own pronoun use, too. I try to remember not to assume and to use neutral terms unless I know otherwise. Kinda hard to unlearn a lifetime of cis stuff but I try. Sometimes I mess up in my head at work -- hard not to make assumptions when speaking with a nurse named Angela -- but I (think) I always remember when leaving a note saying who I spoke to be neuter about it. 

It’s already paid off. Kiddo is in swimming lessons and his teachers rotate all the time so I was introducing him to the week’s teacher. I don’t know if I would have caught myself if it wasn’t easy to see that the teacher was wearing clothes that came from a different department than their AGAB but it slowed me down enough that I remembered to use a they/them, despite my brain telling me I could just assume their gender and sexual preferences based on a glance. I’m really glad I did bc when I tell you their eyes just LIT UP and being called they/them by a new parent. 

So much so even my mom saw it, I think. Or maybe she picked up on me continuing to use those pronouns when talking about them later? I don’t think I ever mentioned them again though. I do know that I saw mom use the correct pronouns weeks later when we saw them again, in that way where she had to slow down before she said it to remind herself to use they/them. I know it’s a struggle for her. It’s hard to re-learn! She’s very good about Mx. Jude in front of kiddo but sometimes will slip when talking to be about them. 

I probably slow down the same way, though I try not to. It doesn’t come naturally yet. But I’m glad that I’m working on it. And I’m glad people from my mom’s generation are too. 

I grew up with Fox News playing like 24/7, except when we were in the car: then it was Rush Limbaugh. I believed all the rhetoric. But occasionally something someone said would seem Too Unfair to me, and if was coming from my mom I would say so. One time a butch woman (I think. Who knows.) was spending, like, a long time primping her hair in the Target bathroom. Mom muttered something like ‘she’s spending an awfully long time on how she looks for someone who doesn’t care how they look.’ and I was like ‘who says she doesn’t care?? Just because YOU don’t like women with short hair doesn’t mean SHE doesn’t like it. You don’t know she cut it just to say ‘fuck you’ society.’ (though, now that I’m older and wiser, more power to them if they did. I also like to imagine they were getting ready for a date or talking to a cute cashier.)

She used to say It’s okay to be gay but they shouldn’t be *married* they can just have ‘civil unions’. It took me YEARS to stop believing that, but when I did I found an excuse to bring it up again so I could say something about it. 

And folks? It worked?? Like I didn’t notice at the time. I don’t think she really responded either time and the subject moved on. But even she still remembers that time in the Target bathroom because it left such a ‘o shit the kid’s right’ imprint on her, and it’s made her think about some things more critically.

But now we’re at a point that my mom will text me about how my kiddo loved playing with Mx. Jude today, just casually in a text. I didn’t even know where she learned that Mx. was a thing. She didn’t learn it from me.  (I’ve since gathered she probably learned it from the teacher.) I’ve never really talked her much about gender outside explaining why some people go with bi and some pan and some other ones out there. 

Which! Side note. When her teenaged nephew came out as bi to her sister, and then the sister talked to mom about it, mom was able to explain ‘just because someone’s attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean it’s always all genders equally; sometimes it is, or sometimes people will still have some preference to girls or boys but are still bi’ because apparently of all the things I said to her about it that one was like a lightbulb for her. I have no idea why it mattered in the conversation tbh, only that she later said she was happy that she understood that now, thanks to me. 

I hope this isn’t patronizing to mom, and I don’t want anyone to think ill of her bc she’s super amazing and caring and works so stupid hard for this family. But it’s just great to see that other former Fox-News watchers can just learn to teach themselves to be progressive. 

(Dad’s changed a lot too but not in an anecdote-able way, not as socially, so idk how to describe it. Definitely thinks more critically though.)

 One more before I resort to sleep meds I guess. My cishet BFF just informed me that her spouse is a transwoman. She’s wanted to tell me forever (like 6 month I think) but they weren’t out about it yet and it wasn’t her place to tell, all I knew was that her and spouse were in therapy about something she couldn’t talk to me about yet. 

I focused more on her reaction to it when I was talking to her, because I know how much she hates secrets and has wanted to talk to me about it and I wanted her to tell me all the things she’s been holding back. And also their family’s reactions because they suck. (The reaction is that everyone thinks her wife is going to hell, even the wife’s mother.) But the first thing I asked was how to spell her wife’s new name. 

When the conversation was over and I had her permission to tell others I informed my spouse and mom, because they also know my BFF and might talk about her spouse and I didn’t want them to accidentally misgender/deadname her. 

My mom’s first question was how to spell her wife’s new name 😂 (and then if she was using she/her pronouns or smth else).

Idk. It’s exciting. I’m happy for all you funky little queer folk. I’m sorry my ass is taking so long to catch up. I’ll make sure my kiddo is better than me. Forgive him for misgendering over half the population currently (and most inanimate objects).

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

1 to 50

ok i just saw this existed, i live on tumblr mobile where i ignore the activity tab and scroll endlessly, bear w me

Animated character that was your gay awakening? uhhhhhhh,,,....,,,.. if i remembered anything abt my childhood i would tell u, im gonna say rukia from bleach because i want gorgeous short people to step on me

Grilled cheese or PB&J? peanut butter Always... tho if it was a fancy grilled cheese (there is a special preparation).... i would be torn

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? it really depends! i bounce around, i watch a lot of baumgartner restorations, i watch a LOT of nyx fears video essays on horror movies i would never watch, i watch longplays of, like, nier automata bc im still delighted by cryaotic?

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? i dont really get to order a lot of drinks at bars, itll depend, if im with friends ill order as many things off the cocktail menu as my money allows, if im with my parents ill order long island iced teas or whiskey and lemonade

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? i literally own like 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being the only pair i can actually safely wear haha.... but my favorite pair is the black red and gold converse that dont fit anymore but still remind me of high school

Top three cuisines? mexican, italian, whomever the fuck invented kasoundi

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? yeah as said above i have no clue about anything about my childhood so idk i think mum said once that my first proper word was just ‘no’ which sounds abt right

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? idk if my last job counts? i mean i used to do all round garden labor stuff until my pain got worse and i literally couldnt anymore so i got relegated to desk work

Look up. What’s directly across from you? oh a container of pesto i didnt like the flavour of and just... forgot to throw out.... i will do that tomorrow

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a rwby poster signed by ray and jack? its p cool

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? preferred right now? wrapped in a metric fuckton of blankets w my partner

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i..... dont like bagels

Brunch or midnight snacks? i live a weirdly scheduled life, midnight snacks and brunch are interchangeable to me now, so both

Favorite mug you own i..... dont really have one? all of my actual mugs that are mine have my deadname on them haha

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? overbrewed black coffee that someone left to go cold before dumping six packs of sugar in

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) ‘ And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me ‘ bc we all love a bit of mitski when we are feeling the self isolation creeping in

Fruity or herbal teas? fruity teas only! or rather i drink fruit tisanes! but if you mean actual tea then herbal, i only drink peppermint tea

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? fruits basket! everyone watch the reboot

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? all the books i read for class sucked but medea wasnt so bad

Do you match your socks? only when theyre very fun patterned socks, and even then sometimes i will match them to the wrong pair but the same pattern, aka my double watermelon combo (i have a pair of green socks w watermelons and a pair of black socks w watermelons so)

Have you ever been horseback riding? no and i never will because i am fucking terrified of horses

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) uh.... uh i mean im not sure if it counts as a phase but i was stupid into vampires (to the point of me and my friends constructing the intricate theory that our teacher was a vampire and we had to kill her by the time we graduated (she was not and we did not and i hate all of those people now) i was just the weird conspiracy kid i guess, we used to spend every lunch staring across the oval at a house we were SURE an alien lived in (it was just a plastic bag being rustled by a fan)

Have you ever been to jail? bkdnbrb god no

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? im a lazy susan

Puzzles? i cant solve a rubiks cube but give me a 2000 piece jigsaw and ill sit there for 6 hours trying to solve it

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? oh this is tough..... orange juice, the fancy kind but with no bits in it, i used to like the bits but these days i just want a clean juice experience

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? ,,,,,,the ya fiction section, i never buy anything from there but i like to see if series i read as a teenager ever got new instalments after i stopped liking them

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? how to sleep like a normal person

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? uh, it depends! lizzo or my playlist of musicals! (which is literally just starkid/tcb stuff)

Where could someone find you in a museum? i could literally be anywhere, probably in front of some old piece though, just staring for an hour bc im struck by the majesty of it (and my legs probably locked up so i couldnt move anyway)

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? so i have a nice white button up and some really nice jeans i just got, and my suspenders, and my cool blue heels that i know i cant wear bc my legs cant handle walking in heels anymore, but it would look cool am i right

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? i look up at my roof which is almost entirely covered in glow in the dark stars and then stare into the camera (i wish every day that my roof was like the roof of the healthy harold van, i still have fucking dreams of that beautiful ceiling)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? non traditional? id want a lizard that could curl round my shoulders like a leathery scarf

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i dont have any photos on my wall so art by default

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i just want the pensive emoji tattooed in the small of my back so if i wear a crop top everyone has to suffer with me

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with fuck superheroes they suck, can i hang out with jason todd red hood style

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? oceans, i want to go to the beach so fucking bad

Favorite mid-2000s song i dont really have a Big Favorite but like..... i constantly thank god for esteban

How do you dress when you’re home alone? ive been in the same sweatpants and old paint shirt i got from my painting and decorating course for three days

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? armchair closest to the kitchen, perfect to make a quick escape if dad comes in

Knives or swords? knives, i dont have the upper body strength for swords

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving? oh uh run away with me by crj, *bwoooooooo buhnuhnuuuuuu buhnuhnuuuuuhhh buhnuhnuuuuhhhhh*

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN PARTS FROM EACH OF THEM BC COLLECTIVELY THEY SUCK BUT PARTS OF THEM ARE PERFECT

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? no caption i dont want people to really acknowledge that i post things

Name a classic Vine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQds9PQ7CA

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? hash browns hash browns hash browns ONLY

How do you top your ice cream? god its been so long since ive been able to eat ice cream.... with the reeses peanut butter ice cream shell topping

Do you like Jello? jelly is the pinnacle of our society and i wish i were eating it right now

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? i wish i had a picture of myself and my partner so i could set it as my phone lock screen (that or i wish i had a picture of me and a friend i really dearly miss bc i have pics of her in my phone but not of us together and i want some but i cant bring myself to say so)

How are you at climbing trees? theres a tree in my front yard i used to be able to hang off but nowadays i think id hurt myself just trying to lift my nasty meat sack off the ground trying

[quantumghoul]

i wrote this a while ago, a rewrite of fox’s last interaction with father but didn’t post it bc institute fans used to be fuckin’ nuts. i’m sure they still are but the demons have returned to hell from where they came.

fox hates their monstrous son who deserves to be dying

warnings for misgendering, deadnaming, and mentions of dubious consent also idk if you find this child abuse bc they fuck him up a bit? he’s a 60 year old awful man but okay

“So, have you come to gloat?”

There he stood. He was waiting for them. Waiting to give them one last lecture, obviously. Most of his weight shifted on a cane, he still managed to shove his awful little finger in their face, and raise his awful voice to them. “Do you enjoy this? Ruining my life’s work? I gave you chance after chance. Despite your ties with the railroad. Your obvious activities to disrupt my work and the work of those here. I ignored it all, I gave you a position those here would die for. To lead the Institute into a better tomorrow. And this is how you repay me? I’m your son.”

There’s that famed guilt, it must be in the Houndstooth blood. He didn’t even have the blood. 'I don’t owe you anything.’ It’s what Fox wanted to say, it stained the back of their throat. They noticed Pat-- the Synth, watching them from the corner. As always. Diligent. It stayed in their throat. “I’m here to give you one last chance to actually help someone. I need your terminal, evacuation for the populous and deactivation codes for the synths. No one needs to die further.”

“No one needs to die further? You’re dooming it’s last, best, hope for humanity, right here, right now. Destroying the Institute-- there will never be anyone better than us. You think that those simpletons on the surface will ever come close to what we’ve accomplished? You decide to destroy everything because what, what reason? The synths. Those railroad people really did poison you, thinking they had any value to be saved. You are the one killing people right now. I have no reason to help you. To think such a thing.”

“Shaun, enough. Just give me access to the terminal, and the codes.” Why was their voice so quiet. They were shrinking. Into a corner. Just like with their father. He sounded so much like him, all the time. He’d be so proud. Eck.

“I gave you everything.” He motioned to the synth in the corner. Like he was an object. With Pat’s face and the implication, it all but made Fox’s stomach turn. “We could have been a family, we could have another chance. You stupid, selfish woman!”

That was enough. That broke what small self restraint that’d kept chained down. “Did you ever think to ask what I wanted?” They grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hoisted him right off his feet and into the air. He dangled, weak, frail body gasping and flailing his cane. Didn’t dare hit them. They’d hurt him worse for it. They pointed to the corner, to the synth. “Do you think I wanted this? Did he want this?! You didn’t ask us, either of us. We’re both just OBJECTS to you? Do you think I wanted some fucked up child version of you?

Pat stepped forward, hands raised. “Henrietta, I must advise against that. I am instructed that while your safety is of the most importance, prime directive refuses to let Father be hurt. I will have to hurt you.” There was hesitance as they pointed their claws at him.

“You, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear you speak. I never want to hear you speak again. And you--” They gave Shaun a hard shake. “You don’t know anything. About me. You don’t care about me, I’m an experiment to you that you can’t even dare respect the identity of. I am doing what I am doing because no one has given me any choice, no one cares what I think or what I want to do. Not you, not the railroad, but at least in the wastes, I found something worth while.” 

They slammed him down against his desk, rattling and knocking everything off. Shoving him to the terminal. “I have given you enough chances. Enter the code, or I will have to try and make you. You’re weak, you’re old, you’re dying, and I’m not afraid of you. But I think I can make you afraid of me.”

“No.” They slammed his forehead against the pristine white surface. Blood splotching. And again. “They never will learn a better way of dealing with things on the surface, hmm? Not without us.”

Yet another crack to his skull. Going for the head when you needed someone to work a computer isn’t the best idea, but then again, Fox didn’t have the highest intelligence. Not as much as mister ego here. “You act like I’m dooming the surface to live in utter squalor, like they haven’t gotten along without you. Since when do you give a shit about the surface for anything other than your personal petri dish. Enough excuses. Do you care so little for your own people, or are you going to be so much like me to let them die out of spite?”

“I am already dying, as you pointed out, and I am sure you killed many of them. Why help furthering the destruction and stolen property. Not much logic with those muscles.”

Another crack against the desk.

“Fine-- fine. Enough. I will.” That seemed just as persuasive as whatever they might have said. He didn’t seem to have much tolerance for pain. Probably didn’t even know what a bullet wound felt like. (There was a creeping feeling in their gut, curling around their spine, reminding them to care, to feel, to-- something over him, that they should feel bad, but they ignored it.)

They kept a strong hand on his back, pressure keeping him down. The other hand with deathclaw gauntlet ready to tear through flesh, Pat still off in the corner of their eye. His hands slowly found their way to the keyboard, beginning to unlock the damn computer and go about doing what Fox had ordered him. Typing surprisingly slow. Clearly reluctant.

They scowled, muttering to themselves. Also him. 

He clicked his tongue. “Resorting to violence. The wastes truly did infect you.”

“Are you still-- are you still like this? Do you have to die on your high horse?”

“I am simply stating a fact. Let this old man have one last review of his experiment then. Since I am not your son.”

Teeth gritted. He had to salt the wound to the very end. “Fine, you want to be my son so bad? How about a bed time story, something to put you to sleep. And! It’s informative and helpful to you. I can tell you’re a boy who doesn’t like fiction. The story of sad little Henri Jones Houndstooth. Someone who had never been taught to say no. That poor... poor child.

“Her parents told her she was a girl, and she said yes.

“Her parents told her she should go into medicine, and she said yes.

���Her father told her she was a disgrace and unladylike and ugly, and she said yes. Her mother said she should be grateful they bothered to keep her, and she said yes.

“When asked if she liked men, she said yes.

“When he asked her to marry him, she said yes.

“She wasn’t very happy, mind you, through all her life. But. She thought. Perhaps she was the one at fault. Everyone else was always so happy, everyone else was always right. She was wrong, you see, and if she stuck around... if she spent enough time with these pretenses. She’d he happy just like them.

“And when he wanted a child, well… she didn’t say yes, that was for sure. But it happened anyway, didn’t it. You’re here, aren’t you?”

He was deathly silent. Hands hovering above the keyboard as Fox crooned in his ear. “That is the end of Henri Jones, you see, as she died soon after that. She didn’t want to go in a vault, you see, the idea there was so... trapped. Stuck. She’d never escape. But she didn’t know the word no. Never no, always yes. Vault-tec surely didn’t know the meaning of no, so it all worked out.”

“What a cruel person you are,” he turned his head slightly, eyes down to the floor. Not at them.

“You had to inherit it from somewhere.”