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miss-smutty · 4 years

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The Destructive Secret - Chapter 1

A/N- So first of all, extremely mature themes, strictly 18+ only This is my baby, I love it and I'm so excited for it but oh my lord! My poor heart writing this. This is going to be a super angsty series. Since I got the idea I've been desperate to get it written, even though it's going to break my heart. The dynamics of it have been driving me insane because I want the first chapter to have a air of mystery to it but then how do I tag it without giving it away? 😩 So I've purposefully left out names in this chapter so you don't know who's who and all will be revealed in good time. Can you work out what's happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts ❤️

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction.

Word count- 2,197

Warnings- Mature themes, swearing, smut, angst, deceit, lies

18+ only!

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke

Posted: 25th Feb 2021

"Babe, don't hate me... I have to go out of town for another conference this weekend" The deep confliction you feel everytime you do this to your boyfriend, never gets any easier.

"I don't hate you, we'll make up for it next week. How about a little romantic trip, just the two of us" he says sweetly, making your heart tug, you wish he was a bad guy it would make this a lot easier.

"That sounds like a great plan, I'll make it up to you tonight" you say, distracted by your thoughts.

"Well that sounds... Intriguing. I'll see you tonight babe" he hung up the phone but you kept it to your ear, still deep in thought before finally realising and putting the phone on the desk next to your computer.

You finished typing up the letter you were working on before the phone call, looking back and forth from your phone to the screen of your computer, still distracted by your thoughts. The butterflies in your stomach making you feel sick. You gave in and grabbed your phone, typing out a text quickly.

-I've told him. Pick me up from work at 5.30 Friday - you stop typing to think for a minute, before finishing the text with two kisses - xx

You try to get your head back into work, the neverending pile of deadlines building up on your desk next to you. When your phone vibrates the desk loudly, you look around to make sure no one's watching you before giving in to your curiosity and picking up your phone.

-Great, see you Friday. I can't wait to see you xxx

You try to feel excited but the overwhelming amount of guilt you feel always overrides that. You wish it could be different, that you could've met in a different way. That you could actually thoroughly enjoy the time you have together rather than feeling a deep shamefulness everytime you meet.

You've got yourself into something so deep that you can't think of a way out of it, either way it ends somebody is going to be hurt. In fact, one way or the other, you're all going to be hurt.

*******************

"Hey babe, did you have a good day?" Your boyfriend greets you as you walk into the kitchen, filled with the aromas of the food he was cooking for you.

"It was ok, busy. This smells amazing. What you making?" You ask, kissing him on the cheek as he stands over the stove, stirring a pot of delicious smelling liquid.

"I'm just making a sauce for the pasta" he says letting go of his wooden spoon and grabbing you by the hand to spin you around and face him.

"Did you bring dessert?" He says into your ear, moving your hair to the side and planting kisses down your neck.

"What no, was I supposed to?" You couldn't remember him saying anything about dessert, yet you'd been pretty distracted most of the day.

"I'm sure you said something about making it up to me tonight?" He smirks, pulling you in for a lingering open mouthed kiss.

"Oh, yeah. That kind of dessert" you say, pulling away slightly.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda ... Distracted" he asks, a look of concern on his face as you shuffle though the papers in your bag.

"No, sorry babe. It's just work, I've had a lot on my mind today" you lie, sort of. You had a lot on your mind it just wasn't work related, even though you wish it was.

As you put the papers back into your bag you can feel your phone vibrating. Fuck sake, not now. Becoming flustered you accidentally drop the bag onto the glass table, nearly jumping out of your skin from the loud noise your phone made as it hit the glass.

You notice your hands shaking as you hold your phone in front of you, cursing yourself under your breath for being so pathetic. Reading the text has your heart beating at an unbelievable pace, making you light headed and dizzy.

-Can you meet me tonight? I hate this, I hate not being able to see you whenever I like. Please Y/N xxx

You pull out a chair and sit down before you fall down, why do you have to be pulled about in so many different directions? It was so hard leading a double life and keeping your dirty little secret, it literally ate away at your soul. You were a shell of the person you used to be, completely consumed with lies and deceit.

Sleepless nights, tossing and turning caused by guilt and work schedules and then still having to sneak away whenever you could. You lost yourself, trying to keep two people happy while completely forgetting about yourself.

"Babe?"

"Huh?" You say looking up from your phone, you hadn't realised he'd been speaking to you.

"I said, red or white? He asks, furrowing his brow at you.

"Sorry, what?" You look confused, shaking your head as if to shake the thoughts right out of there. You have no idea what he's talking about.

"Wine? Foods ready. Do you want red or white... wine?" Looking more concerned.

"Oh, white please. Thank you, this looks amazing" you say, putting your phone into your shirt pocket and tucking your chair under the table, ready to get started. It really did look amazing, you don't deserve him.

You watched him sit down opposite you, his ridiculously blue eyes catching yours as his fork passes to his lips. He smiles that sweet smile at you, the one that made you fall in love with him all those years ago. The memories of the years flash in front of your eyes in an instant, the first time he told you he loved you, the first kiss, the first time you made love, beautiful, beautiful memories. You can feel a tear prickling at the corner of your eye, lowering your head, hoping he didn't see.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks, reaching across the table to hold your hand in his. The feel of his touch on your hand sends shivers down your spine and the tears spill from your eyes without warning. You hear his chair screech as he pushes it backwards and rushes to your side.

"Babe, please tell me what's wrong?" He kneels In front of you while you rest your head in your hands, completely overwhelmed with guilt. This poor man, my man, how could I do this to him?

"Don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it" you say, self-loathing.

"What are you talking about? Come here" he pulls you up and sits down with you on his lap, lifting your face to look at him which makes you cry even more.

"I've been so distant with you, so consumed in my damn work that I've been totally neglecting you - " you cry, looking up at him sincerely, tears streaming down your face messily " - I'm so sorry" if only he knew how sorry you actually were. You loved him, he was your first everything, which makes it even harder for you.

"Hey don't be so silly. I'm a big boy, I think I can handle you being a little distracted, it just means when we do get time together it's more special. You've put up with so much from me, with the tabloids and papparzzi. You took it all on when we were still so young and never complained once, this is nothing compared to that" he wipes the tears away from your cheeks. Oh baby, please don't blame yourself.

"I would do it all over again, you know? It was worth it, I'd never change it. You're my childhood sweetheart, we've grown up together and I... I" you're balling like a baby now.

"Shh, baby. Please don't worry about it. You need a break, you've been working way too hard" if only he knew.

He nudges the side of your face with his soft bearded cheek until you give in and look up at him. The tears are also starting to well in his eyes and he smiles at you, at how silly and emotional you're both being. You suck it up and wipe the tears away with your arm.

"Come on, I've got some making up to do" you say, leading him to the bedroom. Your phone begins to vibrate in your pocket - an incoming call. You reach in and hold down the off button, you'll deal with that later.

He stops you before you make it to the bedroom and pushes you hastily against the wall, unable to wait much longer. His hands feel their way down your body until he reaches the hem of your skirt and pushes it up to your stomach, revealing your lacey panties. Your breath hitches as he pushes himself against you, the feel of his hard cock against your exposed panties makes you forget everything else for a moment.

"I love you so fucking much" he says against your lips, biting gently on your bottom one while his hands run up and down your body. You reach down to unbutton his jeans, it's all very rushed and desperate, you need to feel each other, feel the love you have for each other. You need to show him, a painful desire that burns in your chest to show him that you love him.

So you push him backwards towards the bedroom door, your hands still working his jeans as your lips lock, never pulling apart.

Shoving him slightly too hard back onto your super-king bed in the middle of the room, you waste no time straddling him. He reaches up to unbutton your shirt, thrusting into you as he does so, the need so bad it hurt. You stopped his fingers fiddling with your button midway down your torso so you could pull off his jeans and boxers, while he props himself up on the bed with his elbows. Watching intently as you take control.

You kneel between his thighs, smoothing your hands down those thick muscles. Waiting for him to position himself at the end of the bed, making sure he has a good view before you run your pierced tongue up the shaft, all the way to the tip. Teasing him, knowing full well how it makes him feel. The ways his head falls back, his mouth hung open and the sounds falling from his lips, stir something deep inside you. It makes you feel hot to know you're turning him on this much.

Circling your pointy tongue around the tip, a sultry stare straight into his eyes makes him groan. You take his tip into your mouth, swallowing the drop of precum, licking your lips for him. Sucking on his cock, feeling it throbbing in your mouth, growing impossibly harder.

You can tell he can't handle it anymore when he pulls you onto him so you're sitting on his cock, your walls stretching around him making you both suck in air at the sensitivity. He leans back up to finish unbuttoning your shirt while thrusting his big cock, deep within you. Finally getting your shirt off, he grips his fingers into your ass cheeks, squeezing them as he sits up. Bouncing up and down on his dick, while you stare into each others eyes, the intimacy overwhelming you. Lost in the moment for a precious amount of time, feeling the sensation of your loves cock filling you up beyond limits.

You pull his shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully, tanned body. Holding on tightly to you while he pushes himself up the bed so he can lean his back against the headboard. Watching your tits move as you bounce on his cock, thrusting into you with his jaw clenched. You know that look, the way he's desperately trying not to come too quickly.

Both of your breathes are getting faster as you bounce harder, the gripping sensation rises through you.

"I love you" you say between breaths, leaning down to say it into his ear.

"Fuck - " he groans, pulling out of you quickly before he come, your rising orgasm fading away.

" - fuck Sorry, babe. That was too fucking much" He rolls you over underneath him and quickly positions himself back at your entrance, easing in painfully slowly.

Now thrusting into you at an unforgivable pace, making you gasp everytime he slammed into you. Pushing your knees back towards your face and settling himself between them, holding your head with both hands and gazing into your eyes. He's ready, you're ready, you can feel it rising as he rolls his hips into you. The look of love in his eyes making you feel emotional, he's panting and you're moaning as he lets go and pumps into you making you lose it and scream out as you gush everywhere. Holding onto the sheets, tightly, as you wait for your toes to uncurl, still inside of you he lays on your stomach trying to catch his breath. Your muscles cramp up and shake making you wince as you try to move out from underneath him

"Are you ok?" His head snaps up, concerned.

"Yeah, just cramp" you whine, stretching out your legs when he rolls to your side.

"I really do love you" you say moving into his arms.

"I know you do. I love you too" he says kissing the top of your head. You're brought back to reality when you hear your phone vibrating again on the floor, in the pocket of your shirt.

"You're popular tonight" he says noticing the sound of your phone as it vibrates the floorboards.

"It's just work, it can wait until tomorrow" you say, content being in his arms for a little longer and forgetting that anything or anyone else exists. Even if it is only for a moment.

#chris hemsworth #chris hemsworth smut #chris hemsworth x reader #chris hemsworth x you #smut #angst #chris hemsworth fanfic

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animeyanderelover · 4 years

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You added more prompts?! Wow! I'd like prompt 90 with Ronald please. If that's alright? I've never requested him before(if you don't count my request with all the Reapers) so I'm interested how it would turn out?!

I always wanted to write more about Ronald so I’m all up for this.

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, manipulation, killing, blood, violence

Prompt 90: “Babe...! Shit! I’m sorry you had to see this, but please believe me! He deserved it! No,no,no, don’t be scared of me. You know I would never harm you.”

You had to have a bad nightmare. Yeah, that must be it. In reality you were right now laying in your bed and just had a bad dream. You just needed to wake up. That was all. You quickly pinched yourself in your arm, hoping to wake up like this. But you didn’t. The only thing you gained from it was a burning pain from where you had pinched yourself, staring almost hypnotized at the red mark that was slowly starting to rose on your skin. A mark that showed you that this wasn’t a dream. No. This was reality. The harsh and painful reality. Something that you didn’t want to accept. He had lied to you. He had lied all this time to you. You should have known that someone like him couldn’t be a human. He had been too nice, too friendly, too charming. Too good to be true. And you had fallen for that. Who wouldn’t have when a young and handsome man had been wooing someone like he had done with you? Ronald had always been there for you, even after you had suddenly somewhat became lonely. You didn’t know why suddenly all contact you used to have had been died out, but you had at least Ronald with you. Ronald had been always there for you. He had been your shoulder to cry on, had always given you enjoyable times and had always tried his hardest to make you laugh. You had sometimes felt like you didn’t deserve him. You had always thought of him as an angel who had appeared in your life to keep you safe.

But with blood soaking his clothes, hair and spectacles you had to overthink this because right now he looked everything, but angelic. He had killed that guy...He had killed that guy! Why? Why had he killed this man?! What had he ever done wrong?! You could only stand there, watch the scene in front of you displaying. How had you even gotten in this position? Why had you been here in the first place? You knew you had a reason and motivation for why you had decided to go that late that night out. But in that moment your mind was too messed up to think of that reason, being busy with sorting the thoughts that were whirling around in your head. You didn’t know what to do, not wanting to watch this anymore, but also not being able to move. You were rooted on the ground, watching Ronald and the still flowing out blood from the man. Ronald didn’t look like he had noticed you so far, just sighing annoyed and letting one of his hands run through his, now blood covered, blond strands of hair. “You’re honestly just a nuisance. Because of you I have to do more paperwork now. But you know what? I’m fine with that. If it means that you won’t be able to put your plan into action I’m willing to endure the pile of paperwork. Everything to protect my sweet (y/n) from scum like you.”

Your breath hitched slightly in your throat, feeling your heart picking it’s pace overwhelmingly fast up. He had killed for you?! No! You didn’t want this! You had never asked him to go that far for you! He could be sent into prison because of this! But then you remembered what you had just seen. You doubted that the police would be able to overpower him and this...tool of his. How could he look so perfectly fine whilst standing above a corpse which he had killed in the first place? He acted so cheerful. No signs of regret or guilt, giving you the terrifying thought that he might have done it a lot of times before. And he looked indeed like he had done it a lot of times before, making you flinch when he suddenly started whistling. How could he?! How could he be like this?! Your emotions were out of your control, you felt like they were bullets which hit you over and over again, making you somewhat dizzy and leading you to having a harder time to breathe. Everything in front of you started to become blurry, but only when you felt something wet trailing down your skin did you realize that it was due to your own tears. The many emotions inside of you caused your head to hurt and your heart to clench. You were angry, confused, heartbroken and sad, felt betrayed and disappointed at the man you had thought to be able to trust the most from all people. But that had been a lie. He was just like everyone else. But that didn’t mean that the knowledge of it still stung. You didn’t even notice when a guttural sound escaped your lips, not being able to hold it back.

It sounded strange, your whine echoing through the dark night, building a contrast to the silence that was crawling in it, making it stand out even more. And Ronald must have heard it as well because he suddenly tensed up, his whole body being alarmed by the sudden noise before quickly snapping his head around, eyes narrowed in suspicions. But the moment he layed eyes on you they widened in shock and surprise. “Babe...! Shit!” You flinched visibly when he called you by the nickname, one of the many he called you, you had used to always love. But now it didn’t cause the butterflies to erupt in your stomach like it used to always have. Instead it caused a sickening tingling somewhere deep down in your core, giving you the feeling of being able to throw up at any minute. The fact that you got a, oh so nice, look on the dead body didn’t make it better, watching all the blood still flowing out of his already dead body and noticing how his eyes had so far rolled back in his eyes that you only saw the white in his eyes. You had never taken Ronald for someone messy, but in this case it looked like he had lost himself a bit. You desperately tried to tear your gaze away from the corpse, but for some reason it stayed frozen on it, not being able to look away. You started trembling, suddenly feeling very cold. But not because of the chilly night air.

“I’m sorry you had to see this, but please believe me! He deserved it!” You didn’t even fully registered his panicked words nor did you register when he quickly stepped towards you. The only thing your brain was able to focus on was the dead man, your thoughts seemingly drowning in the dark red liquid surrounding his body. Your mind repeating the same sentence over and over again, seemingly the only thing you were able to think of right now. “Ronald killed him! Ronald killed him! Ronald killed him! Ronald killed him! Ronald kil-“ You were thrown out of your loop of anxious and shocked thoughts as well as your paralyzed state when you felt Ronald laying one of his hands on your shoulder. And your body responded the only way it would respond in every situation when a killer would touch you. Instantly jerking back and getting into a run-or-fight state. Every muscle in your body was strained, ready to be used to it’s full potential. You felt adrenaline starting to get pumped through your system, giving you a sudden boost of energy. But it also caused a boost in your emotions, letting you feel the fear inside of you even greater. You bit your bottom lip to prevent it from wobbling, but the way you always took a step back when he stepped forwards or just the look with was almost screaming I’m scared” told him only too clearly how you felt. And you instantly noticed the frown on his face upon seeing you being afraid of him.

“No,no,no, don’t be scared of me. You know I would never harm you.” There was a switch in his tone. Before it had been panicked and shocked. But now it had changed. It sounded almost like he was cooing at you, his voice sounding so sweet and charming that it made you feel even more ill than you felt already. It was the same tone he had always used when you had cried over something and he had tried to comfort you. And this tone had normally always been something that had made you fell better, but now it had the complete opposite effect. The scene of him looking all too much like his usual happy self appearing in your head when he had talked to the dead. He was two-faced. Who could tell if he wouldn’t kill you at any moment too? Ronald seemed to read your thoughts from your facial expression, trying his hardest to keep his composure. “(y/n), do you seriously think I would ever hurt you? Haven’t I proved my love to you countless times?” He sounded somewhat disappointed and hurt, making you stop in your tracks and look at him. His friend visibly deepened, twisting in a somewhat painful mask. And to your huge surprise you felt guilt sparking up inside of you, his actions pulling on your heart strings like he had intended too. He wasn’t completely wrong. For as long as you could remember Ronald had only been sweet and doting to you, always helping you with whatever you had needed. You really didn’t want to believe that he would hurt, or even worse, kill you.

But that didn’t help erasing that you had just seen him killing someone in a way no human could, raising two questions inside of you. Why had he killed that man? And what was he? You were still shaking like a leaf, but now you stood frozen on your place, not moving an inch. Not even as Ronald took slow and more cautious steps towards you, not wanting to risk you losing it and sprinting away from him. This situation had been already complicated enough as it was from the moment you had seen everything with your eyes. And if you should run away it would get even more difficult. And in all honesty, he would prefer it if he could have it the more easy way. Ronald wasn’t a person who liked making things more harder to deal with than they could be. So he silently hoped with every step he took closer to you that you wouldn’t have a change of mind in the last second. He only allowed himself to be a bit more relaxed when he stood right in front of you, placing both of his hands on your shoulder and letting a small sigh of relief out. You hadn’t done everything. That meant he hadn’t have to terrify you even more of him than he had already done.

You still didn’t have enough courage to look him into his face, letting your head hang low in an attempt to avoid his eyes. His face was still smeared with blood and having him so close to you caused the smell of blood to invade your sense of sense, making everything spin in your head for a few moments. That was until Ronald moved one of his hands under your chin and forced you to look up, right into his face. Your eyes instantly started darting around, refusing to see the sticky liquid splattered on his face and soaking his hair. That was until you heard him saying in a charming, yet also somewhat strict voice:”Look at me.” And you listened, the sweet tone he was using drawing you in, like it had always done. You knew that face he was giving you too well. The face filled with adoration for you, ready to charm you in whatever way possible to make you just as infatuated with him as he was with you. Back then you had found that cute, but now you realized how dangerous this was. The way he was able to make someone fall so hardly for him was a problem. The way he was gazing over you and causing a mix made of fear, but also warmth bubble up inside of you was dangerous. He was dangerous for you because he had the ability to make you addicted to him. And you knew if you wouldn’t do something now the already tight grip he had on you would only keep getting stronger until you wouldn’t be able to escape. But how could you run away from someone without leaving a part of yourself behind?

So against your own will, or at least part of your own will, you could slightly feel yourself relax after a minute or two in his grip. This made Ronald smile slightly, starting to feel better due to seeing that he still held some power over you. “I have a lot to explain to you, don’t I? Let’s just leave this place before someone sees us. I promise I’ll tell you everything once we get home. Alright?” You didn’t know whether to feel disgusted or not when hearing his gentle voice, luring you to him like he had done all the many times before. And just like in the past it worked this time as well. “O-okay.”

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere ronald #yandere ronald knox

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gffa · 4 years

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Hi anon again. I used ellipses, didn't know. I'm sorry. I don't remember what I said exactly but in short part (1/2) was me lamenting how I discussed a Star Wars book on reddit and mentioned, among many other things, that it was sexist. I've been insulted by everyone who bothered to comment for two days now and I'm just tired of this hatred, and rudeness, and hatred of prequels, and hatred of Jedi. And I know it's kind of my fault because

because I should have said it in a gentler way because people like this book and I offered them. But to be honest they got to me. I didn't think they would, but they really managed to hurt my feelings. And I know I sound like a teenager and not an older woman that I am, but I am just so tired of all this negativity and people's first reaction to be cruel. I am glad your Tumblr exists. Sorry for dumping all this on you. 2/2) And they just got so personal and insulting... they got to me. I didn't think they would, but they really hurt me. I just want to crawl away and enjoy Star Wars on my own. I am so tired of insults and attacks about a fictional work that should bring us joy. But I also want to share with others and I just keep on coming back for more. I sound like a teenager finding myself, but I'm an old woman, I should know better. Sorry to bother you but your Tumblr feels like a refuge sometimes. - D.L.

I’m glad you came back (tumblr is strange, if you don’t know about these things--BECAUSE TUMBLR NEVER TELLS US THESE THINGS, WE HAVE TO FIGURE THEM OUT FOR OURSELVES--there’s no need to apologize, we figure these things out as we go!) but I’m very sorry that you’ve been going through this. As someone who’s been hurt by a lot of the shitty things people have leveled at me in this fandom, my advice is based on what helped me, but hopefully it can help you as well. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t (it may not for everyone!), I still offer you my sympathy and empathy both. First off, give yourself permission to be hurt and upset for awhile, take that pressure off yourself to just get over it, because piling extra guilt on will only make it longer. Recognize that you’re human, you’re going to go through these feelings, it’s part of being a regular thinking person and is the first step to being able to let go. Second, after you have some time letting yourself be upset about it, recognize that these are people who are not worth the time and vulnerability from you. It still burns when they react like this, Star Wars is a hell fandom, but ultimately they’re not the people you really care about their opinions of you. I get that it’s hard for people to hear criticisms of their favorites, literally everyone is like that, especially when we disagree on what constitutes “valid criticism”, what is valid for one person to level at a book isn’t going to be valid for the next person--the trick is in respecting boundaries, that you can’t overwrite the other person’s view of it, just as they can’t overwrite yours. And resorting to personal attacks and personal derogatory commentary (which happens a lot in this fandom) is a really shitty thing people do that you have to figure out how you want to deal with it--do you want to fire back? do you want to rise above it? do you want to leave? I ask these honestly, there’s no right or wrong answer, only the one that will work for you. (It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Is it fair that people make shitty vague blogs about me? No, but they’re going to do so anyway, so what’s my response? What can I handle? What do I want to handle? What’s my response, given that I probably cannot change this about fandom.) Maybe you were more aggressive than you had to be, but that’s still not a reason for them to respond with personal insults. The only thing that’s on you is to decide what amount of this kind of reaction you can/want to handle, not that you’re responsible for other people’s shitty behavior. One of the major ways I dealt with fandom being so overwhelmingly anti-prequels and anti-Jedi is that I set up my camp here on tumblr, I established my boundaries, I enforced them hard (mostly through blocking because I was not up to pushing back for a long time, but occasionally talking about my personal experiences, being as careful as I could not to be pointing fingers at people, but truly speaking of what it meant for me in my position and what I was going through, trying to always recognize that other people are allowed to disagree with me about opinions on fictional things and they must be respected for that, even if I strongly disagree with them, just as the reverse must be true--or at least I must demand it in interactions I have) and it’s worked out really well. Not everyone in this corner is going to agree with everything I say, I disagree with other pro-Jedi fans on some things, but they’ve been really kind and gracious about seeing things differently that even if it’s something I feel very strongly about, I respect that they disagree and I hope I give that back to them at least half as much. That’s generally my advice--seek out the people you know who also find that book sexist and talk about it (while allowing room for people who disagree, because it’ll make you happier in the long run, as well, but that they do so in a civil sort of way) or make your own posts talking about it, simply because you want to talk about it. When I started writing pro-Jedi posts, I knew I had to do it because I wanted to do it, not because it was going to win me internet points or whatever, I had to be willing to do it in a vacuum (another question I often have to ask myself: “If this [project] gets crickets/some sort of bad response, would I still have enjoyed the process of doing it?” and it’s helped me a lot to be honest in that answer) or just seek out people who seem like they’re doing the same thing you want to be doing, redirect your efforts into things you enjoy doing in this fandom, because I promise that “I am spitefully going to double down on how I view this thing” can eventually turn into “I love talking about this thing in this vein just because I love it!” if you focus on what you want to do. And also remember that there can be very cool people on reddit (or any other social media place) but there can also be fucking awful people who are going to be fucking awful and it’s normal that it hurts when you get blasted by them and it’s normal that you want to retreat into a refuge for awhile, I fully support that. Find what makes you happy, whatever that is, and just crank up the “I love this thing so much I’m gonna BARF RAINBOWS about it!” to the max it can go. It’ll make you feel better after awhile. (But give yourself the freedom to be hurt, take that burden off yourself, face that part of it, and eventually it gets easier to let go of it, I hope. *hugs* I don’t know if any of this was helpful, but at the very least you have my sympathy and my empathy for how shitty fandom can be sometimes.)

#lumi.txt #Anonymous

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anodyne-sunflower · 7 years

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I've debated doing this for a while now

But, after receiving so many messages and asks asking for advice on this or that, I think the best I can offer you all is a story. And whatever lessons, or knowledge or whatever you want to take from it…is yours. I hope in some way it helps you.

All I ask, is that you do not reblog. A lot of you tend to reblog my stuff before reading it lol so if you accidentally do well…try and delete it. I know regardless this story is still out there but just for my own tiny comfort, no reblogs. I’m not gonna go into every single detail of my life. As that’s not something you guys need in your heads, but I’ll explain the gist of it.

***

My parents divorced when I was 9, they argued a lot when I was a kid, and my dad did drink often. I’m assuming because of everything piling on. The reasons behind their divorce are their own and I won’t share them because that’s their personal history, not mine to tell. Needless to say, I was expecting it. Even at a young age I just knew something wouldn’t last. I grew more closed off, and my brother grew more rebellious. As children do during these times.

I learned I had to grow up fast, because custody battles suck, and being a teenager and growing up through all that is tiring. Parents, even if their heart is in the right place sometimes, can guilt trip. It’s a horrible feeling, and you love them both so you try and figure out what to do but you’re also a kid and that’s not your responsibility to carry. That’s my background. I developed mild anxieties from it, but nothing awful.

Then I graduated high school, and started college and thought ‘yay new beginning’. I met some wonderful people and even my best friend there. But, I also met the boy that would cause me such pain that taking my own life actually seemed plausible to me.

I was 19, young, and even though I know I’m a smart person, when you’re young it’s inevitable that you’ll be naive sometimes.

This boy, I had him for a class, and he started talking to me. I never had any romantic experience before, and he was cute so I liked him. But, my own insecurities kept me from dating him that whole semester. Next semester came and I had him for the next level course and long story short he wore me down and we started dating. At this time, I lived by myself in an apartment off campus. An hour away from my parents. Within weeks of dating him, he changed from the sweet guy I met, to a controlling, angry, cruel person. I found out he had a girlfriend back home when I confronted him all he had to say was “yeah.” As if I asked him the time of day. My naive self decided to stay with him still. I wish I could give a good reason, but I can’t. I just did.

A few days later he would take my virginity by force, in an awful way. Even writing this now feels weird. But, it’s what happened. And the only thing that made me cope, was that I told myself at least I knew him. Sick as it sounds, it was the only thing that somewhat helped me deal with it. Because I need that one thing, to keep me grounded and keep me sane. And he would continue to take by force the entire time we were together. Our relationship got worse, threats, verbal abuse, physical. And this entire time, I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my friends. I turned to absolutely no one and the only reason why, was because I was ashamed.

Ashamed that someone as strong and mature as me could allow myself to let this happen. I blamed me. And I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Because in my head they would be disappointed in me, and I thought that was something I couldn’t handle. I stayed with him for 4 months. And the only happiness I take from that, is I was strong enough to leave after such a short time. There are many who stay in abusive relationships because they’re frightened, rightly so.

I didn’t tell anyone about him, until 3 years later. Because at that point I had no choice. I went in a binge, I was taking pills I shouldn’t have been taking, I was depressed, anxious, and insomnia just took over. Everything felt uncontrollable for me. But, years later and I still couldn’t tell my parents why. My boyfriend at the time tried to help, but it was too much for him. And I don’t blame him at all for leaving. I do blame him for other dumb shit, but not this. Sorry…trying to throw in some humor.

Right..so, my life felt empty then. And I was mad at myself for so many things, and when I actually tried to get help, the psychiatrists just stared at me, then wrote down a prescription. Pills weren’t what I wanted or needed, I felt like no one could help me, and as against suicide as I am, I actually contemplated it a few times because what else was there. Then I broke down, and told my mom after a visit to the psychiatrist. She was angry (justified in my opinion) mainly at him, but also because I never asked for help. And it hurt her to know that while she was only an hour away, her daughter was being hurt and she couldn’t do anything about it. I’ll stop there. But, I want you all to think about some things.

When tragic things happen, they can’t be prevented. They’re going to happen, and how we deal with them is our choice. We get to decide. Life is unfortunately not fair to us all, and that’s okay. We live and learn that way. I want you to remember that people can certainly effect us, but they can’t get the final say on who we choose to become. And they can only hurt you as much as you let them. I chose not to let what he did to me continue to cause me pain in my life. I had a life to live, and he wasn’t going to take control of that. I could move on, and I could be happy. Taking my life, thinking of that now just makes me want to cry because all you have to do is look at the faces of the ones you love, your pets, family, friends, whoever. I can’t begin to imagine seeing them in pain.

Just know, that no matter how strong you are, no matter how smart, that does not make us immune to bad things. We can all suffer harsh moments in our lives. Rich, poor, it doesn’t matter. But, that doesn’t mean we have to suffer it everyday. Things can and do get better. You just have to give it a chance.

If any of you ever need to talk, I’m here, and I’ll certainly be as honest about anything.

Thanks for listening.

And many of you are still growing, hell we all are, but don't ever feel like you're alone. I'm not your parent, or even your best friend, but if you need to vent by all means, go ahead. That's what I'm here for. I won't vent to you because I'm an adult and my problems are not meant to be dealt with by youngin's lol but regardless, I'm here.

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suudonym · 8 years

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ah do you have any tips on planning/writing long fics that you'd be willing to share? bc you do a great job of it and I've only ever written stuff like oneshots before so it's a lil itimidating ahh... thank you Q-Q

aahh I never know if any of the advice I can provide about writing is useful at all but I’ll try and see if I can come up with something decent!!

let’s seee I think the first thing you can do to reduce the intimidation factor a bit is to think of it less as a long story and more as just…. a story. ‘cause at the end of the day that’s really all it is: a story that would be a bit too much to read all at once so you’re breaking down into more easily digestible chapters

I think a good way to approach a multi-chapter fic is with a sort of open-ended idea that can be expounded upon easily. like, the entire concept behind chf was “I want to write a story about a stalker,” and for tata it was “man the time loop aspect in re:zero is so cool I wanna write about something like that.” they’re both really simple concepts that COULD be handled as one-shots but become longer and fuller the more you want to put into it

so, for me, once I have that sort of vague concept in mind, usually I start thinking about different scenes and events that I’d like to write. for example, lately I’ve been thinking about the holy knight story in the back of my head and thinking that I want to have Totoko in some kind of active important role (not really sure what yet, the natural route is to have her be a songstress like Nyaa-chan but then what significance does that have to Kara and the story in general hmmm). anyway it’s hard to describe but what I’m trying to get is like... just..... think of a ton of shit. anything that relates to your base idea and appeals to you, doesn’t necessarily have to be connected or even coherent at this point

personally I find it easiest to get going when I have a very very loose sequence of events but still know generally what order things go in. usually I have a series of scenes that I’m really really really looking forward to writing, like so much. and it’s good to have those milestones to have something you want to aim for. most of the time I don’t really have a very good idea of what happens after a certain point towards the end. like I have a vague idea of “and everything after this is the ending” but what actually happens in said ending? anyone’s guess until I actually get to writing it. that’s where I’m at with plans for tata right now in fact

re: scenes that you can’t wait to write - some people like to jump around and write the things that come easiest first, and for some people that works really well! I don’t have any luck with it myself, I prefer to write completely painstakingly chronologically because sometimes plans change along the way and I just HATE writing things that ultimately don’t get used, plus it’s good motivation for me to get through boring parts when I know I’m eventually going to get to write the stuff I’ve been imagining since the beginning. some folks don’t operate as well that way and actually it just occurred to me that this probably isn’t an issue that’s unique to multi-chaptered stuff and you probably already know your preference from writing one-shots so NEVER MIND

something that helped me a LOT with chf and is helping a LOT with tata is having people you can talk to about your work. they can help keep you motivated and get through the boring stuff that you don’t feel like writing as much and figure out things that you’re stuck on or things you’re not sure about and find unexpected ways to make things better in general and just. endless benefits. that’s another “for me personally” thing though, I’m sure there’s plenty of writers who go it alone and it’s certainly perfectly possible to do so!

mmm okay lemme try to like summarize important points in roughly chronological order

find yourself an idea that can be expanded a lot (actually thinking about it now you probably already have one of those which is why you asked about planning/writing long fics and not about coming up with ideas for them so again, NEVER MIND)

think about it until you’ve got some scenes in mind that you really like and want to write

think about it a bit more until you know more or less how you’ll probably go about getting from point A to point B

choose a starting point and dive in!

deal with it in parts, aiming for one milestone at a time. keep yourself open to change and don’t worry about shuffling events around or changing them or even discarding them altogether if you think it makes the story better/more fun to write

consider giving yourself a daily word quota? I find it useful to pick a number that feels doable based on my current condition and aim for it. a while ago my daily quota for tata was 1000 words, then I cut it down to 500, and right now I’m... finding it difficult to even get to 150, but even five words a day is still progress! heck even just thinking about writing is its own kind of progress, the important part is that you keep on taking steps forward - even if it’s only the smallest of steps. and don’t beat yourself up if you slow down or get stuck because the process of creation is huge and challenging and you can expect to feel more of that enormity the longer you spend trying to bring the same thing into existence. probably. I admit that I lost my train of thought a bit just now.

commit! do what you gotta do to stay invested! for me, it’s posting it on ao3 because I get a huge guilt complex over abandoning projects after making them public. probably not an effective tactic for everybody and I’m sorry to say that I don’t have much else to recommend in that regard but if not that then I’m sure there’s somethin out there that’ll work for you when you find it!

uhhh come to think of it that huge pile of words is probably not doing much to dispel the intimidation but despite the fact that I just rambled for who knows how long about way too many intricacies the simplest way to go about is just to do what feels the most natural! I imagine it’s probably a bit weird switching from one-shots to something that takes much more development but really, in the end what is a long fic but a one-shot that got way too out of hand? that’s.... not a good analogy actually, you can probably more or less ignore that.

ANYWAY best of luck anon! multi-chaptered stories can be a bit tiresome but in my opinion they’re also a lot of fun and really rewarding to build and create! I hope you’re able to pinpoint a process that works well for you and can tell the story that you want to tell in a way that makes you happy!! (❁´◡`❁)

#eeeeeh sorry for the length I really just don't know when to stop myself #hope there is something useful to you in there somewhere!#saydonym

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